July 2001

No Title

I work for a company that provides support for the banking industry, and we have service contracts all over the state. So when we get a call that someone is not up and running, we of course try to diagnose it over the phone. The site in question calls up and tells us they have a pc that is not working and that we need to get down there "NOW" not later. We rather than anger a good customer, I drop everything and drive an hour and a half to get there. I get there and check the pc out, everything lights up, but no video, so I pull the monitor and plug into a pc that is up and running and low and behold, no video. This was an AOC 7Vlr which uses a single control knob on the front to control everything(it is even a push button), I bring up the controls and discover the contrast is on 0(this means no video), so I crank it back up and put it back on the desk and write up the work order. The Bank Manager comes over and asks me how is it going, and I explain to her that it is fixed, and she asks how did this happen? So I stick my finger in the control and crank the contrast back down to 0 and explain that it was on 0. She asks me Does this happen often to this monitor? I tell her no, it takes someone sticking their finger in the control and changing it. And then I listen to her trying to tell me that she is not responsible for what goes on with the computers. All I could tell her is that I was not responsible for acts of god, stupid people, and ID10T errors. Later I get a call from the bankchain's Main VP, thanking me for my prompt service and taking care of their idiot users(his words)

Thanks to: Galon

Power strips are He!!

Some people shouldn't be allowed to have a pencil,
let alone a computer.

Me:XXXX Corporate Help Desk. This is me.
Luser: Yeah, this is M***. My computer won't come on.
Me: (after going thru a lengthy Q&A session with her on possible solutions
including asking if she powered it on.) OK, I will turn it over to our
PC Support Staff.(we hang up)
Luser: (30 minutes later)Can you cancel that call, please?
I didn't have my power strip turned on.

Ya gotta love it.

Wardog

Thanks to: Wardog

Diary

All support companies have those nightmare customer and we have a few:(

One of them had his computer for 2 years and that is not strange but the %¤&%#%&& has a little diry so everytime he has a problem he starts by reading his computer diry :(
You cant stop him because he will repost you or just scream and so on..

A normal call with him ;)
Me: welcome to this and that support my name is "Very tired tech"
C: Hi I got my computer 2 years ago and I took it home and started to set it up. The cables was no problems bla bla bla for about 20-30 minutes before getting to the d**m point :(

Thanks to: Very tired tech

No Support!

We have one guy who been calling in for about a year. He has over a 100 cases here and always calls atleast 3 time to ask same thing. He is a real pain in the a*s. For some reason noone took the serial number on his computer.. We all just wanted him to hang up ;) He want to change windows programs. Example: In calculator the program has some button he dont want . can we remove them? And so on...

Well on tech here finally asked for the serial number and the answer he got was:
I sold the computer 8 month ago.. The support goes with the computer??? I thought the support was mine!

The idiot thought the support was his not that is belonged to whoever owned the computer.

Do I have to say we all are happy to not having to answer his questions :)

Thanks to: Very tired tech

Spell Check - Whazzat???

The spelling on a lot of e-mails tells me that there are a few people who can do anything with a computer - except, maybe, run "Spell Check"....

"Callous" describes a thoughtless person - "callus" is the thick, dry skin on your foot.

A "biro" is a "pen" in the U.K. - for those Americans who don't read British mysteries......

"Paid" is what your bills are after the check clears the bank - "payed"??

"Stollen" is a German pastry - I was not sure what "stollent" might mean - but he mentioned calling the police.....

I could go on.....but this would be long & boring....

So - we'll find it easier to laugh at your joke if your spelling isn't so "funny" that we can't decipher the punch line!

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Rancid stack of rhino dung

===============
Case Summary:
===============
Lotus Notes is a rancid stack of rhino dung.

We just found this case that had been submitted via webpage on our intranet:

===============
Description:
===============
Would someone please call I.B.M and 'tactfully' inform them that their 'LOTUS NOTES' application platform is a rancid stack of rhino dung.

Response from the Xxxxxxx location is not only non-productive, but greatly exceeds the "web eight second threshold of user tolerance". Luckily, Lotus Notes is NOT a choice for me, it is a standard business application for [outsource company].

However, due to it's grandios disappontment in performance I may soon force me to use my Yahoo mail, onsite at [main company], for business purposes.

I appreciate all your efforts.

===============
Work Log:
===============
called cust to give him the [outsource company] Lotus notes support phone number. Cust already had the phone number and requested that the case be closed. Closing case as per cust's request.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Nothing's changed

My favorite tech support call of all time:

Customer: This program crashes every time I try to start it. It was working on Friday, and now it won't work.
Me: Has anything changed since Friday?
C: No.
Me: Nothing at all?
C: No.
Me: OK, let's check ... (we then spent about 15 minutes trying to troubleshoot the application, the files, the hardware).
C: I don't understand it. Some of my other applications don't work either.
Me: Oh! So this is not specific to (the application I was supporting)?
C: No.
Me: And you're sure nothing changed?
C: No. Nothing changed. I mean, lightning struck the building on Saturday, but that shouldn't matter....
Me: Do you have business insurance?

Thanks to: Catherine

Desktop Found

Tech services.

I am trying to find a file but I don't know how.

OK, go to your desktop and double click on My Computer.

hear tapping noise

OK now what?

Can you see your r drive?

No.

Can you see your desktop?

Yes.

Tell me what you can see on the desktop

My coffee mug, phone, pens.

Sorry, I'll try again. What do you see on your computer screen. That's OK I'll just log into your screen so that I can see what you are doing.

Without going into great detail I had to explain that I couldn't actually see her as such.

Thanks to: Kevin

No Title

Shouldn't people be required to pass a test or something before they own a computer?

A lady at work says she's having problems with her computer and would I look at it. Sure, no problem.

I boot the thing and I find what had to be (no kidding) at least 100 icons on the desktop - four or five for the same application. Even though this didn't have anything to do with her problem, curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask the painfully obvious . . . why in the world . . . .

She screams, "Don't touch those picture-thingies! It took me an hour and a half to get them all lined up!"

I think it was truly five minutes before I quit laughing uncontrollably.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Job preperation

I am part of tech support for a small university and one day I was talking with the boss who was describing his days in college before undertaking a career in IT. To better put you in the picture he was born 100% blind.

Boss to tech support - My monitor is not showing anything

techo - OK is it plugged in and turned on.

Boss - Yes, I checked all that. I just turned it on and couldn't see anything (I think you might see where this is heading)

Techo - OK, we'll just go through it again, just to be sure.

Everything OK.

Techo - OK, I'll come down and have a look for you.

The techo comes into the room and examines the monitor turning it off and on and can't find anything wrong until she turns around to talk to him and immediatly recognises the problem. Of coarse he cant see the monitor.
She gives him a mouth full and leaves.

He still pulls jokes like this much to our humour

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

No Title

On this one call I was trying to determine if his OS was DOS or Windows. I asked him if he had windows, he said "Hold on" I heard clunk, clunk as he dropped the phone on the table. After about a minute he comes back to me and says "No man! Theres no windows in here... Im in a basement and only have a door!"

Thanks to: John G

Save me....

Dear lord. The first of the following stories isn't "tech support" so much as an example of just how bad the day was.

I recently went to visit a friend who works in a software shop that mostly sells video/computer games, as well as periferals thereto. So we get to talking, as we are wont to do, when a little old lady and her SCREAMING eight year old walk in. She promplty bumps me out of the way and SLAMS a box down on the counter, exclaiming that there were awful things in the game and it shouldn't be able to be sold to little kids. A quick glance at the box reveals a huge black-and-white "M" rating, and two distinct "For mature audiences only!" warnings on the front alone. My friend calmly explains that there's no possible way that the child purchased this game by himself, and (albeit MUCH more politely) listed the many ways that she would have to be a complete imbecile not to have known the content of the game. Also, the store did not give cash refunds, only exchanges or credit towards a future purchase. They left with a copy of Pokemon Stadium, if I remember correctly.

Shaking my head the whole time she storms out of the store, just about smashing the door into the face of someone else coming in. He is returning a copy of a very popular first-person shooter, saying it didn't work and tech support couldn't help. Knowing a few things about computers, I started asking what I thought would be the usual questions:

Me: Were you experiencing any other problems before installing this?

Guy: No.

Me: Did it instal properly?

Guy: No.

Me: Did you get any error messages from the instal software?

Guy: I couldn't get it to run.

Me: Okay... when you put the CD in the drive did the computer realize it was there?

Guy: Yes.

Me: GOOD! What happened when you went into the CD?

Guy: I got all these weird files, and none of them worked.

At this point I frowned and asked to look over the box to see the requirements. I asked him what type of specs his PC had.

Guy: What do you mean?

Me: Well, what's your hard drive, how much RAM, what version of Windows you have---

Guy: I have a Mac.

..... I then pointed to the large "PC" and "Windows" logos on the package, and that "Windows 95/98/ME" were among the requirements. He was absolutely stunned, and traded in the game for the Mac version.

And my mother wondered why I enrolled for the Software Engineering course instead of Help Desk....

Thanks to: Chazz

The squirrel

Customer calls in and is having problems getting online. We start going into the settings and he tells me there is a damn squirrel on my mailbox. He said hold on while I try to get him. I held on and 2 seconds later heard a gun shot, well not 2 seconds later heard another one. I happen to be in training so I had someone listening in on the call. Caller got back on the phone and I asked him if he got he said no. He stated that he hated those damn squirrels. I never laughed so hard. Neither did the person that was listening in.

Thanks to: Stacy

You will have good discount!

) From: (spammer@example.com)
) To:
) Subject: to Web Designer
) Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001 20:39:50 +0200
)
) Hello,
) My name is Jeff, and as i know you are Web Designer,
) I'm work in one Hosting Company, maybe you needed this ?
) If you will have buy for your customers my hosting, you will have
) good discount!!
)
) contact to me in my email,
)
) Thanks,
) (name deleted)

I will have good discount? You will set me up the Web hosting! All my site are belong to you!

Thanks to: Raichu12

When the light goes on!!!!

O.K. this happened a number of years ago, will see if my memory still works. After agreeing to go out for an afterhour call to work on piece of computerized Graphic Art's equipment. It took a few hour's but we finally got the equipment to work right for him. But next morning when I arrive at work I get this call from this same guy. He's calling me every name under the sun and then some. I'm being told how I'm ripping him off for all this money he spent on last nights service call and now the #### machine dosen't work. After spending about 5 minutes trying to and eventually calming him down I suggest I'll try to help him on the phone. I ask him to tell me if there's any lights or error codes on the machine now. So he goes off and comes back and tell's me I don't think so the display look's blank you see were having a power outage right now!!!
???? As the light bulb in his brain starts to flicker! Could this be the problem??? You tell me I ask. Sorry he say's as he hangs up the phone.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Umm, mom, look down...

I work tech support for a major national ISP (I won't say
who cause I want to keep my job!), but this isn't about
anything that happened on the job...
(p)
Like so many people, my mother is, well, not all that good
with computers ("Do I click this little picture thingy
once or twice to start it?").
(p)
Recently, for reasons known only to her, she had some
cosmetic surgery done, and came out of it with a somewhat
larger cup size... ;) (this is important to the story -
you'll see)
(p)
One night she called me asking why random letters and
numbers kept appearing on her screen when she was running
Word. Well, neither of us had any idea why, and we were
baffled.
(p)
This kept happening over the period of a couple of weeks,
and it was frustrating to deal with, as she lived on the
other side of the state, and I didn't have a car, so I
couldn't just pop over to take a look.
(p)
Finally, something came up where I had to go over to that
side of the state, so on the way, I stopped at her house
to take a look and say hi. I asked her to show me what
was going on.
(p)
LOL... Because she had accidentally set her fonts to
small, and her eyes weren't as young as they once were, she
was leaning forward with her reading glasses on to read
the screen. And guess what *new* part of her anatomy was
pressing on the keyboard!
(p)
Poor me had to break the news to her as gently as I could.
She was an awfully good sport about it, and we were soon
cracking up over it.
(p)
Solution, I set her fonts a little bigger, and she was
happy. :)

Thanks to: Fred

It never stops....

Regrettably, our family business TVL (my father designed hard/software that, plugged into PC's, creates/controls major corporate presentations, my mother was the "office manager") had to close down. Our "engineer" now handles the repairs (but refuses to honor warrantees) and a few customers offered to contribute their units to rentals. Well, we got a call at home from a customer that was also a friend the other day....

Okay, back-story time. Some time ago, we had two clients in Mexico that did business with each other from time to time, both named "Grupo" something-or-other. They had the Director, the first product TVL offered, made on 486's. They sent it in, no notes, only a garbled phone-call saying the software no longer works. Well, after reconnecting all the internal cords because they just put the computer in a box and shipped it internationally without padding, we fire the thing up.... to find they have installed Windows 98.

WINDOWS NINETY-EIGHT. On a 486, 66mhz machine with 32 megs of RAM. And are wondering why the software made for WINDOWS 3.1 isn't working. We call in a former employee that now has his own business, and collects odd things. Like the 16 floppy disks needed to install Windows 3.1 in Spanish. We call up the Mexican company, and I get the wonderful task of talking to the one guy who speaks English and try to tell them that we have to completely wipe out the drive. He starts shooting off in (at least) three different languages about how the hard drive is fine, but he had to give the board to someone that "knew a lot about computers".... que? We hadn't even checked the boards yet, the custom-made boards, nearly a decade old. We unplug it, flip it over, and now there's a whole bunch of wires soldered on very sloppily. Congratulations Juan, you just bought yourself a whole new $15,000 board. Well, eventually, we ended up finding a functioning board down in the basement, we got through the installation of Spanish DOS and Win3.1, replace the serial/printer plugs which had been DUCT TAPED into place with ones in a proper cover, spend two hours trying to navigate sites to find drivers for their archaic system, and (putting it back in a box with proper packaging) return it.

A month later, we get a horrific phone call. We now get THREE systems in.... the one we fixed, another belonging to the same company, and yet another belonging to their "sister" company. All three machines have virtually identical specs. All three have Windows 98 on them. All three (including the one we fixed) have some sort of significant damage, either superficial or in the parts. It takes a week and a half to fix all these machines, all of them requiring complete reformatting (and, in one case, replacing) of hard drives. El Mexicanos aparently don't believe in back-ups, at least I THINK that's what he was yelling about.... After this point, anyone calling up and screaming in some broken Spanglish hybrid was directed straight to Abe.

Well.... two weeks ago, we get a call from one of our "buddies." One of the Mexican companies is searching desperately for new systems. On a whim, I call up the guy doing repairs. Nobody's really sure how, but they were somehow able to CRACK THE BOARD IN HALF in one machine, and jostle the other one just loose enough so that the machine wouldn't boot properly, and just left it running.... until they smelt smoke. Smoke coming from the: motherboard, on-board-video-card, riser-card (so that the boards could be inserted horizontally as opposed to vertically, since the early desktops weren't tall enough) and several other plug-in connections on the board.

Anyone else want to make donations for my "Nuke Mexico" fund?

Thanks to: Chazz

Password trouble

Working at the local credit union, we have numerous programs and systems that require passwords. Everything from network passwords and email to software specific passwords; you name it, we use it.

This morning I got this call through the Help Desk line:

ME: "Computer room, (Me) speaking..."
END-USER: (whining) "Whenever I try to type in my password, it won't wooork..."
ME: "Okay...which password are you referring to?"
END-USER: "Flower..."
ME: (sound of me smacking my hand to my forehead...)

This had the other techs in my department rolling...

Thanks to: Anonymous

No Title

My last year of High School, our school district we should have a "Computer Technician Training" class (to make our school look more technically inclined). Well as the new school year quickly approached they needed to hire "ANY" teacher. And of course who is the first choose: The football coach from the middle school. He was nice enough but he gave us quite a few Tech Tales.

Two thing important for these stories. One most of the stundent that were enrolled are more than computer literate. And second one of the intresting things about this class was we repaired any computer than the district owned. That included a "few" 286s (This was in the 99-00 year).

anyways here goes.

1.Networking
We had just recieved a pretty big shipment of old PC to fix. Our teacher's big concerns was that all the PCs should connect to the school's network. That was ok but he only had one disk with the drivers for the NICs. We were about to make a few more copies to speed up the process when he comes in and tells us to stop what we are doing. We announces we don't need to make any more disks he already put the drivers on the network.

2. His PC
Now him been the "Comp Tech" teacher the school saw fit to give him an 800Mhz PC loaded. The type of system gamers dream off. Well he calls me and one other tech in to "talk about the program". Thats his little code for he messed up his PC again. We get in to his system (he reset his password and forgot about it), and erase the virus that he got on the PC. And then we start looking thru his setting. He has his 21" monitor set on a 640x480 resolution with 256 colors. Instead of the 16 bit resolution because "256 is bigger than 16" so it gives more colors.

3. Boot Disks
We are asked to go offsite and fix a few PC at another school. We need a boot disk to fix their problem. He says we can't take the book disk because that "each school has to pay the lisence fee to use boot disks"

Well that all for now
more to come

Thanks to: Albert Rojas

Missing email

I am the CEO of a computer Sales & Service business in Texas. You can bet I get my share of "questionable" calls and Emails. So it comes to pass. I received this Email from a customer whom was having a problem with thier email. Keyword is RECEIVED the email.

This is from the person with the "Virus" I can receive text and mail just fine on explorer but I cannot send or reply. I'll bring it back in one day next week when I have move(more) time. If I changed services I guess it would be solved or do they all use explorer?

Jerec

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Can I get a cable thingy?

I work at Off--- De---t, a big box retailer, and I get the, whall we say, "lower end" of the technically proficieient. Hence this tale:

Cust: Hi. We need a cable for our internet thingy.

Me: (stifling groan) You need a telephone cable?

Cust: No, no, we just plug it into the computer, adn away we go.

Other Bus. Mach. Assoc.:So you have high speed internet?

Cust: No, we just plug it in and turn on the computer and we get internet.

Me: So which cable are you looking for? You need the cable from the wall plate to the modem or the other cable from the modem to the PC?

Cust: No, this cable just goes straight from the wall plate to the back of our computer.

Other BMA: So you need a telephone cable.

Cust: No, it's not like that. We just have a cable with many more connections.

Me: (Walking custs to telephone area [there were actually two of them but only she did the talkiing, since he sounded like a weasel with sinusitus]): Do you mean this? (holding up a two-pair phone cord)

Male Cust: It's quite different. It looks kindof like that, only bigger.

Me: (the light dawns): OH! Do you mean... (walking gthem over to the Networking section) ... one of THESE? (holding up a UTP Cat 5 Cable).

Female Cust: No. I don't think so.

Male Cust: Actually dear, it's the right item, you just thought it was wrong 'cause it's the wrong colour.

Male Cust: Oh, Yeah.

Me: So, you don't have a modem?

Male Cust: No, we just plug it right into the wall. It's integrated into the condominium cabling.

Me: TYou mean you have fibre optic in your building?

Female Cust: Yeah! That's right! I just turn on the computer. We just had plugged it in and got our internet.

Me: So you just needed an ethernet cable, is that all?

Female Cust: I don't know anything about that techie stuff (Gee could you tell?). All I know is that I turn on the computer and I get my internet.

Sheesh!

They ought to have to write a basic computer literacy test before they buy a computer!

Thanks to: John Weintraub

The inkjet guru

I work in a big box retailer (Off--- De---t)and we get the "lower end" of the spectrum here for computer literacy. This one happens to me almost every shift:

Cust Service assoc.: Can you help this gentleman with a printer cartridge?

Me: Yes, of course. How can I help you?

Old fogey customer: Yes, I need a new printer cartridge please.

Me: Do you know the model of the printer?

OFC: I know it's a HP.

Me: Yes, sir. But do you know the model number?

OFC: Well, I was hoping you could help me with that. Do you have any I could see?

Me: (Walking the old gentleman to the printer aisle): Do you see your printer here?

OFC: Well, it's a big square one.

Me: Do you see it here, sir?

OFC: No, I don't. But can you tell me how much a colour cartridge would cost?

Me: Well I can't really do that, unless I know the model number sir.

OFC: But you don't know the model number?

Me: Well, sir, that would normally be something that YOU would know.

OFC: Well, I know it's a few years old.

Me: But that doesn't really tell me anything, sir.

OFC: What do you mean by the model number?

(I walk him over and show him a model number on the outside of a printer)

OFC: Oh. But I don't happen to know that.

Me: Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I can't really help you then.

OFC: I guess I will go home and get that information. I was just hoping to stop by and pick one up.

ME; I understand, sir, but there's really nothing I can do to help you.

OFC: Well, thank you anyway, young man.

Me: You're very welcome, sir.

Note to cartridge buyers: (1) Make sure you know if it's a LASER or an INKJET! (2) Who made it? (3) What's the model number OF THE PRINTER! Cartridge model numbers don't help us!

Thanks to: John Weintraub

Are you a computer expert?

I work at Off--- De---t, a big box retailer, in Business machines, and we get some nasty critters along with the usual collection of idiots and novices. Thus:

In the middle of Back to School Week (ehll week for us) when I had LITERALLY twenty!!!!! customers awaiting my attentions, I get this from a VERY IRATE customer:

CUst: Look here! I've been waiting for twenty minutes for some help. Are you a computer expert?

Me: Yes sir, But I have twenty other customers ahead of you.

Cust: Look! I'm a very important person in my company! I DEMAND service Right now! Are you the best computer expert here? I've asked onthers but they said the ewren't. Are YOU?

Me: Well, sir, I am finishing my MCSE, how can I be of service (feeling very browbeaten).

Cust: Oh, good, I need a seriosu computer expert. Do you see that list of computer features there on that computer?

Me: Yes, sir. I do.

Cust: Good. Can you photocopy it for me?

Thanks to: John Weintraub

"My husband played Netwk Admin"

I work first level customer service for a cable modem provider. Here's my gem of the month.

Caller is a woman who sounds like a youngish, intelligent, and truly knowledgeable computer user.

Tech is me.

Tech: [standard opening spiel and info gathering] And what can I do for you today, Caller?

Caller: Well, my connection isn't working. We had a problem with not being connected sometimes, and that was traced to a bad network card, so we replaced it and now we can't connect at all.

T: And you've got all the drivers installed for the new card, I take it?

T: Let's see what we can do for you. you've got all the drivers installed for the new card, I take it?

C: Yes, I show all three cards now.

T: Three?

C: Oh, yeah, I didn't remove the ones from the old card. [does that]

T: [I've already determined that I can ping to her modem, but not to her computer.] It looks like I can see your modem on the network. Let's check some settings on your computer. What operating system are you running?

C: Windows 2000 Professional edition.

T: Great. Can you right click on "My Computer" and select "Properties" for me?

C: Okay, done.

T: Now click on your "Network Identification" tab and tell me what you have in there.

C: [reads off ID, which checks out right]

T: Okay, close out of that and go to "Start | Settings | Network and Dial-Up Connections" for me.

C: Okay, I've got two Local Area Connections. See, I'm running Internet Connection Sharing to my home network.

T: Alright . . . you can identify which one goes to the cable modem?

C: Yes, I disabled the other one to make it easier to troubleshoot.

T: Good, and the cable modem one is active? Double-click that one and let's go through the properties.

C: Okay. [all tcp/ip properties check out]

T: Hmm. This home network you're running, it's not through a router or hub between the cable modem and your computer, is it?

C: Nope. The ethernet cable from the modem goes into one ethernet card, and the hub is connected to the other.

T: And what, exactly, happens when you open a browser?

C: Well, it looks like it's looking for a site for about a minute, then it says the page can't be displayed.

T: [thinking that seems like a long time] Okay . . . there's one more thing I'd like to suggest. This may sound stupid, but have you checked that the ethernet cables are going to the right adapter? You might try swapping them and seeing if anything changes.

C: No, I don't think . . . wait a minute. My husband did play network administrator, and he just might have . . . there it is! It's working! And you know what the best thing is? I now have ammunition against my husband that just won't quit!

--
I feel sorry for the poor guy, a little, but . . . well, he *did* bring it on himself.

Thanks to: adalger

Can you find My brother?

Ok the first thing im going to say is sadly this story is 100% True. Even if I wanted to make up a story about people not having a clue I cant top this. Anyways on to the tale.

I work for in tech support for a rather large group of isp's through out the United States. One day I get a call from a hysterical woman asking me if I work on the internet.

C: Do You work on the Internet?
Me: Yes , How can I help you today?\
C: Well I need you to Find my brother He works on the internet in Wilmington.
I have no clue what she expects me to do for her but I resign myself to do what I can .
M: Well I will try to help but the goes a bit beyond what we do here. We are just Internet Tech Support I can't really help you find someone.
C: Well I need to find Him soon. Its storming pretty bad outside and my kids need their supper. He said he would bring it home to us.
At this point she is half screaming half crying and I have no clue what is going on.
M: Well Ms. Do you know the name of the Company he works for? Maybe you can call him there?
C: No, I have no idea where he works , all I know is he is in Wilmington.
M: Well without that information there really isnt much I can do to help Ma'am.
C: You better help me .. My kids are hungry and I dont Like storms.
M: Ma'am I really wish I could help, but I cant find someone on the internet from where I am.

After about 45 minutes of Going back and forth that I would need more information to help her she became really Irate and hung up, Asking me Well what good are you then?

I shrugged it off thinkin it was just another crazy person loose in the world. Two Days later I get a priority callback to due.I call up the number Introduce myslef and what do you know... It's the same crazy woman! I ask her if she ever found her brother. Her response.. yeah he was in the garage out back the whole time....

*sighs* and I m thinking that she needs more help than Tech Support can give. Am I incorrect in my thinking?

Thanks to: NurosaD

We won't support it, no matter HOW many times you call.

Tonight(12/22/00) this guy from one of our sites called saying he was getting "you are not authorized to view this page" for every webpage he went to.
He was using an internet appliance with some browser called "enliven" or something. I told him we don't support internet appliances, and the only browsers we provide support for are Netscape and Internet Explorer, then told him he'd need to call @home so they could help him go through the settings on his internet appliance.
He wanted to know why we don't support them, I told him we only provide support for real computers running Windows 95, 98, 2000 or ME, and the MacOS 7.5 and above platforms, as well as only providing support for Netscape, IE, Outlook Express and Netscape mail.
He said "An internet appliance is a real computer"
"No, it's not, if it were a real computer it would be called a computer and not an internet appliance, and it would be running either IE or Netscape for a browser ***Most users aren't bright enough to know that there are other options***. "enliven" is more than likely some propriatary browser that comes with the machine. Is it even running windows?"
"I dunno...I don't think so..."(what DO those things run anyway?)
I give him the speech about only supporting PCs, what OSes we support, and the browsers we provide support for. He tries to convince me it's a problem with the site, I dalup to the site(with both dialup numbers) and can get to the sites he's trying to go to with no problem. I tell him this, he tries to weasel support out of me again, I give him the speech again, he says "Oh, so I need to call @home then?"
"Yes."
"Oh, okay, thanks." and he hangs up..
2 minutes later, the other tech here gets a call.
Same guy, same problem, the other tech tells him the same thing I told him.
He hangs up.
5 minutes later I get a call from a guy with a thick spanish accent. Same problem, same site, I say "You're the guy with the internet appliance"
...silence..."I am calling for my friend, yes."
"and your friend has the @home internet appliance with the 'enliven' browser, and is getting 'you are not authorized to view this webpage' errors all the time, and you're from *site name*, right?"
"....yes."
So by now, I'm really annoyed, this dork thinks he can trick us into supporting his PoS internet appliance, so in my best "Okay, I'm at the end of my rope, you've been told three times we don't support that PoS you have, now LISTEN TO ME and do NOT call back!" voice, I tell him "Sir, I told your friend that we do NOT support internet appliances, we do NOT support whatever the 'enliven' browser is, and we ONLY provide advanced support for COMPUTERS running *list of OSes and browsers*. We DO NOT PROVIDE SUPPORT FOR INTERNET APPLIANCES. Your friend needs to call @home so they can go over his settings with him."
....silence.....
"Okay, sir?"
"So he needs to call @home?"
"Yes. We CANNOT and WILL NOT provide any support beyond giving him dialup numbers and DNS numbers."
"Oh, okay." and he hung up.

Thanks to: Tviokh

"But it worked when my uncle had it!"

User has a 386(yes, that is correct, a 386) running Windows 95 with a 2400 baud standard modem and can't get a connection.
Honestly, all I could think to suggest(since she had already rebooted) was to have her unplug the phone from the modem and try it that way. Other than that, if she still can't get connected I don't think it's going to work.
---) 2001-02-02 at 20:21:46 by ME:
Still can't get connected. *SYSTEM TECH* suggested that I make sure she has log on to network unchecked, and to uncheck any protocols other than TCP/IP.***heh, you always think of the obvious AFTER you've hung up***
I had her do that.
>From what she told me she has NO system software/CDs/etc...so we can't mess with anything in network control panel, and it's an internal modem, so we can't have her just powercycle that.
After talking with *SYSTEM TECH* we figured that if doing this didn't do any good, her only other alternative(short of cancelling her account) would be to buy a new modem for the machine.
---) 2001-02-02 at 21:11:29 by ME:
Still can't get connected. I tried to explain to her that the reason was her modem was so old and was having problems communicating with our newer equipment. She only kept repeating "but I took it out of my uncle's computer and it worked fine in his", and was either not listening to what I was telling her or wasn't understanding.
I asked again if she had any system software with the machine and she said no. She also had no cab files(unless she mistyped it in the search) so there is literally nothing else we can do for her unless she gets a new modem.
I tried explaining this to her and she just repeated "but, what I'm saying is, I took this out of my uncle's computer and it worked fine in his"
I reiterated what I had just said and told her that there was literally nothing else we could do for her unless she

Had system CDs/floppies/Windows 95 on CD
Got a new modem
She hung up on me.

Thanks to: Tviokh

...yet I'm the stupid one?

I had a man from one of our Southern sites call up, nightmarish...it went something like this:
C: "I done want ta set up..ah, ah, I done talked to some laaady at, ah, the, ah, office yestah'day, and she done tol' me that I gots ta do steps that she done tell me ta do and I done can't get ma' email!"
Me: *translating from redneck to English on the fly...we have a lot of customers in backwoods places in the South* "Okay, did you sign up with a new account yesterday, or did you sign up for an extra email address?"
C: "I done don't know what yew mean...I done talk to this laaady at that office there and she done set me up and I done can't get ma' email! I done follow the steps she give me over tha' phone and I done can't get ma' email!"
Me: "Okay, do you remember any of what she had you do?"
C: "No, I sure don't, I done can't get ma' email, she had me doin' all these steps and I done don't remembah' what she have me do, an' I can't get ma' email!"
Me: "Did you have an internet account with us before yesterday?"
C: "I sure did, ma' wife she done have an account with you all, and this laaady she sign me up with *username/password* and I done can't get ma' email."
Me: *SUCCESS! We just need to set up an identity in OE* "Okay, sir does your wife use Outlook Express for her email?"
C: *yelling across the house to his wife* "She do."
Me: "Okay, open up Outlook Express."
C: "I done can't! It don't do nothin'!!"
Me: "Did you double click on the little picture that looks like an envelope with two blue arrows?"
C: "I done did but it don't work, it just this screen with ma' wife's email, it don't done do nothin!"
Me: "Okay, does it say Outlook Express at the top?"
C: "It don't say nothin'! It just got her email, it don't done do nothin'! It just this screen with nothin'!
....edited for length, we went in circles like this for 10 minutes...finally...
Me: "Okay sir, is there a File menu?"
C: "There sure is."
Me: "Okay, click on it, then click on manage identities."
C: "I done did that, do I click on Add Identity now?"
Me: "Yes, then enter your name, and..."
C: "It done ask me for a password, do I done put one there?"
Me: "If you want a password, you can enter one, but if you forget it we can't help you get it back."
C: "Okay, I done want one, I type one in..does it matter what it be?"
Me: "Nope, just make sure you remember what it is.
C: "There done be two fields, what do I done do with the second one?"
Me: "You have to enter the same password twice, it's to make sure you didn't mistype something the first time."
C: "Oh, okay." So he miskeys and it asks him to type it again...."It done didn't work, it done ask me for the password again!"
Me: "Okay, that means you accidently miskeyed something, just type the password in EXACTLY THE SAME in both fields again."
C: "I don't done have anyplace ta' type it, it done not work, I can't type nothin'! It just ask for password in them done two spaces."
So, I tell him again to retype the password...and he says:
C: "Y'all better talk to ma' wife..." THEN he starts yelling, like I can't hear him, "Honey, you done come talk to them, they don't know what the hell they're doing, they done better hire some peoples that knows what they's doing, 'cause this one don't know a damn thing, she done don't know nothing and she done confusin' me. They got damn stupid people workin' there."
By this point I'm pissed, this guy is a MORON!!! And the morning tech is laughing because he's been listening in...so I say:
Me: "Sir, you can't even manage to follow steps a 7 year old child could follow and create something as SIMPLE as an identity in Outlook Express, and I'M the stupid one?!" and hung up.
He didn't call back.

Thanks to: Tviokh

"Is that 'write' or 'right'?"

Setting up an older guy with his first computer...let me mention I loathe family members who buy an elderly relative their first computer, then leave without teaching them how to do the basics...like set it up and turn it on! Anyhoo...
"...okay sir, now I need you to right click on *ISP*'s icon and..."
"Is that write or right?"
*stunned silence...maybe he's kidding?*
"Uh...no, um, with the right hand mouse button, click once on *ISP*'s icon and..."
"I know, I got that, but is it 'write' or 'right'??"
*more stunned silence.......he's not kidding!!*
"Sir, it has nothing to do with your keyboard. You have two mouse buttons, click the one on the right hand side of the mouse."
"OH!! There we go!!"
>From there it went pretty smoothly. I'm not sure what he was intending to do...

Thanks to: Tviokh

"Why won't it take my password? I put a new modem in!"

Tonight(4/21/01), I got a call around 4:30am from a customer in Missouri...I am now convinced that there is something terribly, horribly wrong with people from Missouri.
C: "I got this email saying my account was past due, and yesterday my password didn't work, so I bought a new modem and installed that and my password STILL doesn't work! What's wrong?!"
Me: I look, his account is indeed suspended for non-payment. "Your account is suspended for being past due on payments."
C: "But, I put a new modem in!"
WHAT the hell was this guy thinking?! That a new modem would trick us into not knowing he hadn't bothered to pay his bill?

Thanks to: Tviokh

"freezed" out of email.

"I get freezed out every time I clicks send and receive."
"Okay, what do you mean by 'freezed out'?"
"Like it freezes me off the internet and I have to reconnect."
"So, it disconnects you when you click send/recv?"
"Yes."
"Okay, do you have your mail program open?"
"Yes."
"Using Outlook Express?"
"Yes."
"Okay, click on the tools menu, then click on options..then..."
"Wait..click on outlook express? Where's that?"
"???...do you have your email program open?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, click on the tools menu, then click on options..."
"There's no outlook express to click on!!!"
"No..okay..ma'am, you're already in outlook express, I need you to click on the tools menu, ok?"
"I thought you wanted me to click on the outlook express..."
"No, click on the TOOLS MENU!!"
"I thought you said outlook express"
"Do you have OE open?"
"Yes."
"Then click on the TOOLS MENU and then on OPTIONS"
"There's no Outlook Express to click on!!"
"Okay...okay...do you see something across the top that says File, Edit, View, Tools, Message,
Help?"
"Yes..."
"Click on the word TOOLS"
"Oh okay..."
"Now click on the word OPTIONS"
"Okay..."
"Now click on the tab that says CONNECTIONS"
"I can't find any Outlook Express to click on!!!"

WTF?!?! What...is...she...thinking...?!

Finally I did get her over there and had her uncheck(after explaining five times that to uncheck a
box you just click on it...) hang up after send/recv. Not being rude to these people had better
count towards something in the afterlife...

Thanks to: Tviokh

Please keep your lies straight.

Guy calls up with the phrase I hate, "Are your servers down in the *city* area?"
Me: "No."
C: "Well I can't get anywhere."
Me: "When's the last time you rebooted your machine?"
C: "It's not a problem with my machine."
Me: "When's the last time you rebooted your machine?"
C: "Just now."
Me: "Okay, exactly what's happening then?"
C: "Well I can't get to nothing."
Me: "Okay, if after disconnecting/reconnecting and rebooting if you still can't surf we'll need to reinstall TCP/IP. What kind of machine is it?"
C: "It's NOT a problem with my machine! I can get to eBay!"
Me: "You just told me you couldn't get anywhere..."
C: "Well, I could get to eBay but the rest of the internet is down."
Me: "The 'rest of the internet' is not down, if you can get to eBay, there's nothing wrong with your connection. If you can't surf, we need to reinstall TCP/IP(quick fix, that'll usually take care of most surfing problems), or at the very least look at your browser settings."
C: "There's nothing wrong with MY computer!"
Me: "Well, there's nothing wrong with ours either."
C: "Well, I can't get to anything."
Me: "You just told me you were able to get to eBay, which would indicate that we're up and running fine."
C: "I just told you I couldn't surf!"
Me: "You also just told me you could get to eBay, which is it?" ***NOTE TO CUSTOMERS: Please keep your lies straight. Don't think we're not listening.***
C: "I can't do anything. What's wrong with your servers?"
Me: "Nothing, we need to check your browser settings and reinstall TCP/IP."
C: "No we don't! The problem's not on my end!"
Me: "Yes, it is."
C: "That's not what we need to do!"

Okay, so by this point I'm annoyed. What does he want me to do? Say, "Oh yes, Magnificant Customer, the problem is on our end, please allow me to plug the Internet back in."? I want him gone, but I can't hang up on him...nothing says I can't persuade him to hang up on me. They allow us to get "snippy" with problem(i.e. rude, uncooperative, totally ignorant without ability to learn, etc..) customers, we're even encouraged to suggest they find another ISP so we don't have to deal with them. :)

C: "So, are you going to fix your equipment."
Me: "There's nothing wrong with OUR equipment. YOU, however, need TCP/IP reinstalled."
C: "No, I don't!!!"
Me: "Tell you what, since you seem to know what you need to do better than someone who's been doing this kind of stuff for years, why don't you fix it yourself?"
C: "The problem is on YOUR end!"
Me: "All of our systems are currently 100% operational, you need to reinstall TCP/IP."
C: "NO, I DON'T!!!!" *click*

Thank you God.
Funny thing is, he probably only needed to disconnect/reconnect, reboot, or simply click "refresh". But, oh nooooo, he'd "already done that". Right, and I have wings.

Thanks to: Tviokh

"Well, isn't my password stored in RAM somewhere?"

This paranoid guy calls and is all pissed off and frantic that he doesn't have his personalized MSN page for his homepage anymore and that it takes him to a "please sign in" page.
He tells me his friend had been over that weekend and had used hotmail.
I tell him to just login using his MSN passport username and password.
He swears he doesn't have one for like 20 minutes, then finally says "I don't remember what it is." and wants to know why he can't get his personalized MSN page.
I explain the concept of cookies, and that when his friend logged in, it logged him out, and he'd have to log in again.
He said he didn't remember his MSN passport UN/PW and demanded I get it for him.
I tell him we can't do that, we don't have access to MSN's database.
He demands I get it for him.
I tell him this is impossible.
He demands I get it for him.
I tell him this is impossible.
This repeats for many long minutes.
I get sick of him, he keeps demanding to talk to a "smart tech" who will get it for him. I tell him no other tech will be able to get it for him. He demands to talk to my supervisor. I tell him my supervisor wont' be able to get it either.

He's convinced I'm lying.

I send the guy to my supervisor.

My supervisor has the same conversation I had with him, only it lasts about an hour this time.

Finally my supervisor says "you can either contact MSN through this forum page I took you to, or you can create a new MSN passport login and recreate your personalized page."

This guy says "I'm going to cancel my service if you don't get my personalized homepage back"

Supervisor says "That's fine sir, if you want to do that you'll have to submit it in writing or stop down here."

This guy says "I'll go to another provider who can get my personalized page back."

Supervisor says "No provider will be able to do this for you. I can help you get a new MSN passport ste up if you'd like."

This guy says "I don't want to spend hours customizing my homepage again!!"

Supervisor says "Then there's nothing more we can do for you."

So, this guy says "Well this computer is WORTHLESS to me if I can't have my personalized page!! I'll just go out and buy a new one!"

The entire tech office was on the FLOOR after the supervisor hung up with this guy.

Thanks to: Tviokh

LISTEN ALREADY!!

People who don't follow directions and just plain don't listen are fun, as seen below:
"Yeah, I was at this website and I got disconnected and it prompted me to redial. I don't want it to do that, I want it to automatically redial when I get disconnected."
Okay, simple problem, "Are you running Win98, or WinME?"
"Windows 2000ME..."
"Sir, Win2kME isn't a real OS..are you running Win2k?"
...silence...
"Okay, click your start button, what does it say up the side?"
"Windows 98."
"Okay, you have Windows 98. Double click on My Computer then go into Dialup Networking."
"Go into the computer?"
"No, DOUBLE CLICK on My Computer, then go into Dialup Networking."
"Okay, I'm in there."
"Good, now..hang on a sec.."*This is where I draw a blank as to where the setting in Win98 is, I haven't used '98 in many months.*...okay, click on the connections menu then on settings."
"Okay."
"Okay, now check 'Redial' and..."
"Wait, what? I don't have that!"
"...oookay, what do you have on your screen?"
"A:\, C:\, Control Panel, Dialup Networking..."
*sigh* "Okay sir, please go into Dialup Networking."
"...scheduled tasks, my documents..."
"Sir, PLEASE GO INTO DIALUP NETWORKING!"
"Oh, you want me to go into dialup networking? How do I do that? Do I double right, or left, or do I explore?"
*Wishing to explore his skull with a blunt object...:)* "You double click on it with the left mouse button, the same way you double click on everything else."
"Okay, so..that's two clicks, right?
"Yes..."
"Okie dokie, I'm in dialup networking, I have make new connection, and connection to *our ISP*, and nothing else."
"Okay, we're going to pretend the icons don't exist for now, okay? Click on the connections menu then on settings."
"Got it."
"Is Redial checked?"
"I have general, server types, scripting, multilink, and the phone number..."
*AAAAAARGH!* "Sir, you right clicked on the *ISP* icon and left clicked on properties."
"I may have, I don't remember."
"Close that window and look up where you see the words file, edit, and view...do you see a word that says connections?"
"Yes."
"Click on that then click on settings."
"Is that double left mouse or right click?"
"Once with the left button on connections, once with the left button on settings."
"Okay, got it."
"All right, is Redial checked?"
"I don't have redial..."
"What's on your screen?"
"General, Server Types..."
"You right clicked on the icon again...."
"I don't remember, I think I might have, isn't that what you wanted me to do?"
Repeat this scenerio about 4 more times...then, finally, I say...
"Sir, you are going to NEED to follow my directions EXACTLY if we're going to get this working for you, okay? PLEASE do exactly as I say, don't try to get ahead of me, don't assume you know what I'm going to have you do, and PLEASE only click on what I tell you to click on! Okay?"
"Okay..."
"Good, now please click ONE TIME with the LEFT mouse button on the word CONNECTIONS."
"Got it."
"Now, click ONE TIME with the LEFT mouse button on the word SETTINGS."
"I'm there."
"Okay, do you see the word Redial?"
"Yep."
"Is the check box next to it checked?"
"I have *goes off listing ALL the check boxes, checked or not...*"
"Okay sir, IS REDIAL CHECKED?"
He lists off all the boxes again...
"Okay, forget about the other boxes, let's focus on the one next to the word redial, okay?"
"Okay..."
"Is there a check mark there?"
"There's a check box."
"Is there a check in it? If not, put a check there."
"There's a check box there..."
"DOES IT HAVE A CHECK MARK IN IT?"
"No, there's just a check box there."
"Put a check mark in the box."
"Okay."
Okaaaaay, so we get through that, get it set to redial on its own...
"Click the OK button now."
"Okay...I did that, it just took me back to the Dialup Networking window! It's not working!"
"Sir...you need to get off the phone with me and redial before it'll work..."
"Really? I thought it was supposed to dial on its own!"
"It will REDIAL on its own, you have to tell it to dial intitially, and you only have one phone line, so we have to get off the phone for it to work."
"Oh! Okay then! Thanks, buh-bye!"(Yes, he actually said buh-bye).
Pardon me while I go beat my head against something hard and stationary.

Thanks to: Tviokh

Business Machines???

I work at O--ic- De---t *Big Box Retailer) and I get some very amusing phone calls, because of the "low level" ( computer literacy-wise) of the clientele we get here. Thus:

Me: Good Afternoon, O--ic- De---, John speaking, how can I help you?

Cust: Hi, I 'd like to speak to someone in your computer department, please.

Me: I'm in business machines, how can I help you sir.

Cust: No, I need to speak to someone in your computer dept.

Me: Well, sir, business machines INCLUDES computers. Maybe I can help you.

Cust: Aren't you listening? I said, I need someone in your COMPUTER department!

Me: Sir, We don't HAVE a computer dept.

Cust: So you don't sell computers?

Me: We DO sell computers, but we don't have a computer department.

Cust: Wait a minute. I'm confused. You sell computers even though you don't have a computer department?

Me: That's right sir.

Cust: Don't you have, like, a techincial department? Can I speak to a technician?

Me: Well, business machines IS our technical department. And I am a technician.

Cust: No, Look! I want to speak to someone who knows something about computers!

Me: (very slowly and carefully) Yes, sir. I am in the business machines department, I DO KNOW a LOT about computers. How (pause) can (pause) I (pause) be (pause) of (pause) service?

Cust: (sounding almost depserate) Look!!!! I WANT TO SPEAK TO A COMPUTER SALESMAN RIGHT NOW!

Me: Yes sir! I AM A COMPUTER SALESMAN! how can I help you?

Cust: You said you were in business machines! I want to speak to someone who knows something about computers. You know, CPU's and all that junk?

ME: I am what you are looking for, sir! How can I help you?

Cust: Do you sell computers?

Me: Personally?

Cust: yes.

Me: Yes.

Cust: so can you help me? I'm looking for a computer.

Me: (through very gritted teeth) Yes, sir. How can I help you?

Then we proceeded on from there. But honestly, how difficult is it to figure out that Business machines could INCLUDE computers, and that I could be both a tech AND a salesman? Honestly. SOme of these people. Ya wonder how they got through elementary school. Sheesh.

Thanks to: John Weintraub

Webpage Updating?

I was chatting with my friend on AIM (Not the best program in the world, but it works), and he mentioned that people kept messaging him to tell him that his webpage was down. I figured if his page was down it was probably that the server was down as well, so told him to tell them that so they'd leave him alone.

At which point my friend replied in a manner that made me want to smack him.

(F=Friend, M=Me)

F: Huh? The server's down!?! How do you know??? This screws everything up!

M: Well if they can't see your webpage I'm guessing the server's down. It'll probably be back up in a few hours or so.

F: Yeah but I was just in the middle of updating my webpage and now I'll have to start over!

M: No you won't. Just save what you've got so far and upload it when the server's back up.

F: It's already saved, I just don't want my computer to lag.

M: ...Huh? What're you using to do your webpage?

F: Oh I'm using an HTML editor and then FTPing it to the site.

M: Yeah, like I said, just save it and upload it when the server's back up.

F: No no no, but my computer's going to be laggy till I can do that!

M: Okay, hold on. *Why* will your computer lag?

F: Because it's full of my webpage files.

M: Er... Wait a second. How exactly do you update your webpage?

F: I save it to my computer, then update it and upload it.

M: Okay, yeah, but it's just a few HTML files. That's not going to cause your computer to slow down.

F: No it's about 100 files.

M: HUH?

(At this point realization is begining to dawn on me.)

M: Wait... Let me get this straight. Do you download your webpage, including all the files on it like pictures and stuff, then upload it all again?

F: Yeah, I upload it after I delete the old stuff. It won't update if the old files are still there, but now I'll have to start over in case I missed any.

Thanks to: Neeri

No Title

A buddy of mine once worked Tech Support in Germany. He told me about one call from a customer who complained that her floppy drive didn't work. He ran through the troubleshooting tree, and the drive appeared to be exhibiting some odd behavior. It would format and write, but reading was hit-and-miss. He arranged for a service call to replace the drive.

The customer was an artist living in an upscale apartment in Berlin; the place was decorated in a neo-Japanese style, including a corroded steel wall. When he arrived, my friend laughed out loud when he saw that the woman had very artistically arranged her floppy disks by affixing them to the steel wall with powerful magnets.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Sad install techs...

A friend of mine recently showed up at my place, cable modem in hand. It appears he'd had myriad problems with the installation (by a cable provider rhyming with "Lode Runner"). After the techs installed it, it never worked, and they told him that "the server is down". This despite the fact that we share the same server, and I'd seen nary a glitch since installation several months ago.

Anyway, he had guessed that he had a bad modem, and wanted me to install it on my system just to be sure. I did, and sure enough, I got no internet. I ran through every troubleshooting routine I can think of, and the results were all the same. He had a bad modem. Just to be sure, I took my modem to his place and hooked it up. Sure enough, the network worked properly.

He called tech support and described the situation. The tech-support person praised his genius on thinking of such a creative way to diagnose the problem. He then requested a new modem, and was given a service date.

When the magic day arrived, my friend told the tech what he had done to figure out the problem (despite the fact that he told them he had a bad modem in the first place, and was repeatedly given the "server down" excuse). Apparently, the tech's eyes got big, and he said "You didn't connect ANOTHER modem to this machine! Now the system will think your computer is his!" The tech then insisted on re-initializing all his user information, which means my buddy now has to enter all his new user info, reset passwords, etc., because the tech was a moron.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

THE STICKERED CARTRIDGE

This tale is a sweet short one but is quite amusing, lets call him (The Customer) Person "A", Person "A" brings in his printer which has a 1 year total replacment warranty, the print swaps out the faulty unit for a refurbished unit and finds during the swapout process that the black cartridge is empty, he places a sticker on the cartridge warning the customer of this fact. the printer is dispatched...... 2 Days pass and the customer comes back in saying the printer wont print, when checked the customer had removed the "this cartridge is empty" label off the black cartridge and reinstalled it into the printer trying to get it to go again.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Training the support peope

I do network support at a large company but I was at home when I noticed that I was timing out when trying to get to various sites on the net. So I called my ISP (Qwest) and knowing that I'd be waiting a while on hold I decided to do some checking on my own. So I dug out Neo Trace and started doing some traceroutes and figured out that it was on of their upstream providers and not them. I was surprised when I was only on hold for about 2 minutes so I figured that people hadn't started calling yet.

So I told the tech support person what the problem was, where it was at and the ID of the switch. She wanted to know how I had found out all this suff , so I spent about 10 minutes giving her a lesson on how to use the tracert command and what it all means. She told me that they had been told that they had that program but had never used it.

Thanks to: David

Monitor needs ink

Last summer I worked the Help Desk for a large Dept Store Chain. It begins with a D and ends with a D and has illar in the middle. One of my coworkers took a call and then announced that her caller wanted to know how to put more ink in her Monitor because it was fading out. We had fun giving her suggestion on how to handle the call. I told her to have the caller look for the dip stick on the back of the monitor to check the ink level. If the caller was not able to find the dip stick she should use a pocket mirror to look behind the monitor for it. If she could still not find it she should hold the mirror straight out in front of her and look into the mirror and she if she could see the dip stick NOW. Because she was one.

Help Desk How can I help you
Howie

Thanks to: Howieone

SneakerNet

I once got a call from a doctor while I was a database support technician. He described his issue to me as a "network problem." I asked what he meant, and he said that when he attempted to back up his database to the network, he was getting a message that the destination directory was out of space. I asked him where the physical location of the network directory was, and he said it was a computer in the next room. I suggested he check to see if the computer had enough hard drive space remaining to store his file, and he said, yes it did, he had already checked that. I asked how big the database was and he said it was 1.5 MB. So then I started in on what kind of network he was using; was it 10mps, 100mpb, Ethernet, Token Ring, whatever. He said he didn't know anything about that.

After having him describes cables running out his computer to me I was confounded by the fact that nothing seemed to match a standard network cable. I asked him to run through exactly what he did when he backed up his database. He started copying the database over the network, and got the same message again. He said, "At this point, if it worked, I would go to the other computer." I asked why this was necessary, and he said "Well, I have to go put the floppy disk in to copy it over!"

Thanks to: Joel Tanzi

Free shares

When they encounter a problem with a Microsoft product, many end users are quick to call it a bug. Sometimes they are right, sometimes not, but often they believe they are the first to discover it. I once got a call from an Access user who indicated that he had found a bug in the product and wanted to prove it to me. He demanded 100 free shares of Microsoft stock for this discovery (no, I'm not kidding). I did attempt to explain that stock was not something we usually dole out over the technical support line, and the fact that I did not even work for Microsft did not seem to deter him. So I settled on determining first if his "bug" was in fact legitimate.

I asked him why he thought there was a bug, and he said he had created a query to restrict a record set to just those records that fell under a certain date. He was entering "9/31/98" as the date in question. When he did this, Access would change this value to "9/3/1/9/8" as soon as he moved out of the field. He triumphantly pointed out that his coworker's PC with the same version of Access installed performed in exactly the same manner. Now, I had been supporting Access for several months, and had covered a pretty good range of issues but this one did catch me off guard.

While I tried to think of possible causes and workarounds for this, I had a recurring memory of a little poem I used to recite in the fourth grade. You know it: "Thirty days hath September, April, June..." and so on. I said this out loud to myself without realizing it and the customer broke in to ask what I was doing. I apologized and then suggested the possibility he was having this problem was that September has only 30 days. He was silent for a moment and then sheepishly agreed that yes, this was probably it. Needless to say no stock exchanged hands.

Thanks to: Joel Tanzi

The Only Thing Worse Than Clueless Users

The only thing worse than clueless users is clueless tech support.

I have a laptop that I use on my company's network and on my DSL at home. I had been trying to work at a place we just purchased, and when I couldn't get on their network, support refused to help me until after I deleted my ISP's DNS IPs. I didn't find out until later that the problem was that their system was Novell and we run NT, so I didn't have IPX/SPX bound.

So I got back home and tried to get on the DSL. And I can't get any pages to open. Okay, sometimes I have system problems. But pages will open with IP addresses, just not the URLs. Good thing I wrote those DNS IPs down before I deleted them. Bad thing I wrote them in my scheduler, which I then left in the rental car.

I use dial-up to get online and go to my ISP's online tech support. Five minutes later I am chatting with a "tech."

Me: I need the IP addresses for the DNS servers.
Tech: You do not need those if you are using DSL.
Me: Well, I cannot open Web pages when I type in the URL. But I CAN open them when I type in the IP address, and I can ping and FTP to that IP address. Sounds to me like I can't resolve the URL.

Total "silence" on the part of the tech. What is he doing? Reading the manual?

Me: Okay, how about humouring me? Why not give me the DNS IPs just to prove me wrong?

He did. I entered them, and Lo and Behold, I can now resolve URLs.

I get every penny's worth on my free tech support.

Thanks to: Lauren Eve Pomerantz

Computer Store Advice

I recently overheard this:

clerk: "Oh, how much memory do you have?"
customer: "128"
clerk: "RAM?"
customer: "Yeah"
Clerk: "Well, maybe you have too much memory, and that's why you're computer's overheating."

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Backlash I mean Backslash

I do Tech Support for a Major University in Canada. I support a ever growing list of products, Pine mail, Windows 95/98/nt, Lotus Notes to name a few. However what gets me is the Little things. Heres a small sample. ( these happen ALL the time over and over and still they won't listen to me)

ME-Q, Are you Logged into the machine?

USER-A, Yes. (No im not, I really dont know what that means even though this will greatly effect and attempts to help me solve my computer issues )

ME-Q, Are you using the backslash? Above your Enter key? The one that LEANS to the LEFT? If it was drunk it would fall to the LEFT? Right hand of the keyboard to the LEFT of the delete key?

USER-A, Yes. ( No I'm using the other slash due to lack of information on the exact planetary location of the "backslash" button you speak of)

USER-Q, My Netscape email does not work! All I did was change a few setting like my Office mate!

ME-A, Im sorry The University and my self do not support Netscape as a email package, I can help you with Pine or Lotus Notes. ( official sounding voice )

USER-Q, But my officemate has it installed, and helped me install it! I cant read my mail!

ME-A, Well since we dont support it, we didnt install it I dont know about it I'm not too sure how I can help.

USER-Q, But I cant read my mail!

ME-A, Im sorry The University and my self do not support Netscape as a email package, I can help you with Pine or Lotus Notes. ( official sounding voice )

USER-Q, But I cant read my mail!

ME-A, SO WHAT! USE THE &%^%$%^ SOFTWARE WE GIVE YOU! YOU SCREWED IT UP! YOU FIX IT!

I feel so much better!

Thanks! SkyHacker007

Thanks to: SkyHacker007

Err... Green Button???

The first one us cincerning my dear sister of 16 years. She is not the most computer savvy of blondes, but she sure likes her siolitaire.
I was at work and in between calls tying to play with my website which is runnng off my personal server at home. The key word here is trying. I tried pingint it with no sucess. I figured the recent storm had probably knocked the power out of the unit.. No big deal.. it happens every now and then. The process to get it back up isn't all to hard, just disconnecting the power cord from the back, replacing it, and pressing the power button.
So I call home and my favortie sister answers the phone.
"Hey Holly, Mind doing me a tiny favor."
"ummm.. sure!"
"Go into my room and disconnect the power from the back of my computer, plug it back in, and presss the green power button."
*gives me a perplexed look over the phone.."ok..... wheres the power cord at?"
"It's in the back right when facing the front...."
"Ok.. now what?"
"pres the green power button.."
"errr.. green power button?"
"Yea.. it's in the middle of the front of the computer.."
"Ummm.. Ok yea.. got it..."
"Ok thanx sis."

I then proceed to ping my server... not found... I figured I must have wiped out the program or something so i wait till I get home. When i do arive home I find my monitor moved around and it's power light shining orange. It dawns on me... that my sister had mistaken the monitor for the computer. Poor thing, my parents gave her a hard time on that too hehe.

Thanks to: Mark

It Says What?!?

I work as a phone tech support agent for a major printer manufactuer. I work primamrily with consumer modles so the majority of our callers lack great computer knowledge.

I was working with this really kind sounding lady who had just gotten a new computer and a printer to go with it. She had a very attractive voice and she was very patient with our long call. I had her open up wordpad as i often have customers do to test if applications print fine. I had her type in "This is a test." and told her to goto file ) print ) ok. Nothing printed, but she did get a blue screen o' death so I had her press any key on the keyboard to continue.
I was in mid sentence explain the next step in the process when she stopped me with this:
"I prolly shouldn't tell this to a complete stranger half way across the US, but I HAVE to tell you. When we got that blue screen and I pressed some keys to continue.... from that my WordPad now says "this is a testicle"."

We laughed together for about 5 minutes, and I still laugh today.

Thanks to: Mark

Static DHCP? / Send that tech / Oops

Two from me today, me being cable ISP Tier 1 CSR.

(H1)Static DHCP?(/H1)

Dramatis Personae:
Caller (C) -- a young woman.
Caller's Husband (H) -- a young man.
Me (M) -- . . . well, yeah.

[M on phone, alarum via headset. Enter C.]
/Ad lib standard greetings/
C: I need my IP adress and nameserver IP address.
M: [Brief pause. She's using jargon, so I can too.] Okay . . . you can't use DHCP?
C: I have no idea what that means. I just know my husband told me I needed those things.
M: [Ooh, great. Knowledgable person leaves clueless one alone on the phone.] Umm . . . can I walk you through some settings? I think we can get you online. [Looking at report that modem shows up on network, computer doesn't.]
C: Oh, I guess.
M: Okay. What operating system are you running?
C: You mean like Pentium?
M: No. [Bang head.] What version of Windows?
C: I have no idea. I'm going to give you to my husband. You two "computer people" can talk.
M: [. . . why didn't /he/ talk to me in the first place?!]
H: Hi.
M: Hi. What operating system are you running?
H: Windows 2000.
M: [/He's/ the one that knows jargon. Okay.] Can you set that up to use DHCP?
H: Sure. So that's all we need?
M: Yes, that should work fine for you.
H: [pause] So . . . can I get the IP address?

(H1)Send that tech(/H1)

DP:
Caller (C) -- An elderly gentleman who doesn't sound too swift.
Me (M) -- same-o

[M on phone, alarum via headset. Enter C.]
/Ad lib standard greetings/
C: I don't want to talk to a technical person there, I want you to send that tech out that came out before.
M: [dingdingding! Danger, Will Robinson!] Umm . . . I have no way to do that. Can I ask what the problem is?
C: He said all I had to do was give you his technician's number. I've got it right here, last time he just plugged me in and made it work.
M: [staunchly holding ground] What is it that isn't working? [seeing that computer responds to ping]
C: My email! I want you to send that tech out! I've had people calling me, asking whether I got that email they sent.
M: If you want that tech, you'd have to call your local cable office. [I probably /could/ do this, but we /don't/ do that.] [casually:] Is it okay if I check a couple things in your settings first?
C: Well, I guess.
M: Okay, I'd like you to click on "Send and Receive" in your Outlook Express.
C: Okay. It doesn't do anything. Down at the bottom it says, "The requested operation was completed successfully."
M: [bingo] Okay, let's see what happens when you try to send. Click on "New Mail" and type your email address where it says "To:" ok?
C: Ok.
M: Now type "test" in the subject, and put a few words down below in the body, and click "Send."
C: [sounds of typing] Ok. Oh, it disappeared. I guess it sent.
M: Hmm. [babble and stall for half a minute or so] Let's try clicking "Send and Receive" again and see what happens.
C: Ok. [well-known OE new mail sound] Oh. Well . . .
M: Sounds like you have mail. Everything seems to be working ok.
C: [a little bewildered] I guess it does . . .
M: Anything else I can do for you today?

(H1)Oops(/H1)

DP:
Caller (C) -- a young woman, or perhaps an older girl
Me (M) -- why do I bother putting in this part?

[M on phone, alarum via headset. Enter C sobbing.]
M: Blah blah blah phone number blah blah
C: [sob gasp]What? Yeah, it's 555-555-5555. [gulp sob]
M: /and other info/
C: /answers interspersed with sobs/ and I've called three times and I've wasted my whole day walking back and forth to the library trying to get my email because my computer's broken.
M: Okay, let's see what we can do for you. [quick look at case notes, other two calls referring to web-based clients] Are you at your computer now? [tech being a little thick]
C: Yes, but it's BROKEN! I CAN'T USE it. [sob]
M: Oh, I'm sorry. Umm . . what can I help you with today?
C: I've got a lot of email messages coming in, and I'm trying to get to them, and I've called and gotten all these different sites to try to get my email, one of them even cost me ten dollars, and I still can't get my email!
M: Okay. [best reassuring voice] What sites have you been sent to?
C: [sob, sigh, and voice near hysterics] Okay, I've already wasted my whole day, let's start wasting my whole night too. I've tried [lists some sites] and none of them work. I tried to get to [our start page address] and it says "Click here for help" and I click there and it goes back to the same page!
M: [Finally understanding what she needs] Okay . . . I'm going to break the rules here. [I know how to do what she needs, and I know how to do it.] Do you have *any* web-based email account?
C: [slightly exasperated because she doesn't know what I know] Yes, hotmail, but I need to check my [our service] mail!
M: Right, Caller. Here's how you do that. I don't know if hotmail has this option, if they don't, you can get a free yahoo account and I know they do, but you want to check a remote POP3 account from your webmail account. Here's your mail POP3 server name: [gives name]. Now, just let me check something . . .
C: [most hopeful and gratitude-filled voice I've ever heard] Okay, sure!
M: [looking at outage board] Caller . . . I'm *really* sorry to have to tell you this, but the email server in your area is down at the moment.
C: [sob] Great! Well [sincerely] thanks for saving me another half-hour walk to the library, at least.

side note: I knew to check this because my previous call had been from a person who had disconnected near the end of troubleshooting with another CSR. That tech had checked, and there was no reported outage then. By the time she got on the phone with me, the outage was on the board. I had to explain this to her when she started complaining about how bad a tech the other person was -- the outage report was literally one minute prior to when I answered her call.

Thanks to: adalger

what password?

I recently had to distribute new Lotus Notes passwords to about 100 employees of my company. I decided to do it via email rather than using the phone coz they are long, complicated case senditive passwords. As you might have guessed, lots of people replied saying it wouldn't work, mainly coz they can't type 5 characters without making a mistake but all of them worked when I manually changed their password to something simple for them....
One lady rang up and said she COULDN'T type in the new password. I said "why not?" , and she said "Every time I try to type the password, all these X's appear ..."

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

SPACE Cadet

This happened to a friend of mine while we were both working on a National Help Desk.
He was helping a caller with her problem by walking her through the verious steps required to correctly set up her software.
Everything went fine for a few minutes, then she started getting error messages about the commands she was entering on the command line.
After having her re-enter the commands several times, he asked her to tell him what she was entering, key by key.
It turns out that instead of entering "D I R (space) C:" (or something similar), she was entering "D I R S P A C E C:". We all had a good laugh over this one and I have never forgotten it even though it happened several years ago.

Thanks to: Dan Hill

Right Click Horror

Being mostly a Windows 95/98/NT University I deal with a lot of Windows issues, Disapearing Printers, Network drives.
But in my travels none of these devices throws a collective monkey wrench into a tech call than introducing the "Right Click" to a novice Windows User.

Me-Now can I please have you "Right Click"...

User-???

Me-The button to the right side of your mouse offers you choices, a menu etc...the left mouse is used to select or highlight a object or icon.

User-Ok so I "Right Clicked" do I right click to choose it?

Me-No use the regular "left" mouse button

User-Ohhhhh! It went away!

Me-Did you "Right Click?"

User-Yes...

Me-Please right click to display the menu...then follow that with a left click...which SELECTS an option. do NOT use the right click after the menu has appeared. A simple normal click will work.

User-*CLICK* Ohhhhh! It went away!

Me-Did you "Right Click?"

User-Yes is that wrong?

Me-Yes, Im afraid I can't help you. Your grasp of the english dialogue is not on par with this service call. Thank you for your call goodbye! ( Id love to say this )

Thanks to: SkyHacker007

The Modem

Anyway, this is only a short one and its not so much a story of tech support as a story of tech.

I spent some time as a senior network admin & system support 'guru' at a small city based web company. The Managing director of this particular company was a nice guy to work for and generally treated everyone with respect (strange I know). He also had absolutely no grasp of computers whatsoever.

so.. Basically the whole office ran on a lan and internet access, email and all the rest was catered for thru this network. What I couldnt get for ages was that the boss had me move heaven and earth to get him a modem so he could dial out from his computer. We didnt have a direct dial PBX so everything had to go thru the switchboard. He had no fax software or dun connections at all and just expressed his dire need for a modem to be installed in his computer. After several months of searching I managed to locate a modem for my boss and he was truly delighted when I installed it. Now before I installed it I impressed upon him that he could access everything he needed (websites, email, etc) thru the company network. But no luck, he still wanted his modem. So I left him to his own devices and installed a modem and a second phone extension to his office (we had a cramped enough PBX as it was and really needed the extra line). Thinking nothing of it I worked away happily for months until I heard the boss moaning about the phone bills. Our ISDN bill was seperate to the voice lines. I managed to cop a look at the bill over one lunch time and after seeing a truly unbelievable amount of international calls I smelled a rat. On investigating further, I found about 20 of those direct dial porn dun connections on my bosses pc desktop.

Now maybe he just didnt realise that he was dialling long distance to get his thrills or perhaps he's just truly stupid. Not only that however, I also found his 1gig home folder on our file server practically full of very low quality amateur porn. I nearly died laughing and had to lie down for about half an hour before the laughter pains in my stomach stopped. I explained the situation to my boss and offered to transfer his beloved porn back to his own computer to save valuable space on the server. At first he said "What porn?" but about ten minutes later he rang my extension and said quietly "ok, but do it fast and quietly".

God bless him.. our phone bills took a sharp drop after that tho.

Thanks to: Rymus

Strippers are the dumbest species

Before I started working as a computer tech, I was a mechanic for this shop that shared a parking lot with one of the more popular strip clubs in town. Needless to say I have some interesting stories. One summer im out in our typical 110-115 degree heat working under the hood of this car. I'm all covered in grease and oil and in front of the shop. This stripper comes up and actually says to me "Hi, do you work on cars????" I said "Depends, what do you got for me???" She tells me that the headlights on her car are stuck. I look over and they are in the full up position and it just happened today. I went right over to her car and pushed the button inside that locks the headlights up so ice won't freeze them down. She said "oh that is what that button is for" I tell her "Yeah, you really don't need it here. Especially in the summer time." I wonder what she would have given me if I actually asked to be payed for that. Hmmmmmmmm

Thanks to: Obi Ron

MCSE my A$$

I've had my share of the standard "click my computer and hear the mouse tapping the screen and 'how am I supposed to click your computer'" calls but who really take the cake are people with all thier certs or have degrees.

I had one call I listened in on while I was a Sr tech at a DSL provider(if you want to call them that as bad as thier network was) and the agent got a call. The first thing out of his mouth was "I'm MCSE certified in blah blah blah. I know everything and if you have a question you ask me." of course SOP for this at a help desk is mute the customer, bang your head on the desk and and moan "Oh god, it's gonna be one of those calls." So this guy goes through the blah blah on what is wrong and it was a simple fix. The tech said "OK lets reboot the computer." There was about 5 seconds of silence and he comes back with "Does that mean turn the computer off then on?????"

Hint for all the certified people, when you call the help desk or tech support your certs don't mean $#!+. Our qualifications are, well the one you should be concerned with, is that you are calling us for help!!!!!!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot
Obi Ron

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Printing woes

I’m attending a local (Norwegian) high school. At school, we have a class called Economics, where we rely heavily on computers (For spreadsheets, word processing and research (Using the 'net, of course). Combining computers with 28 wild & crazy seventeen-year-olds… Can you spell “disaster”?

One time, the old HP LaserJet printer hung and decided not to print any more pages. Since I am the most tech-savvy person in class, I’m called in to help. (My life is computers…).

First, I check if the printer is out of paper, which is usually why it hangs… Nope, there is paper in it.

OK, so I hit the power-button, shutting it down, waiting a minute or two, then starting it up again. No go.

This particular printer is connected to the local Novell Netware file/printserver using a HP JetDirect (Or so I think) device, which converts from LAN to LPT (And back again). So I try to shut it down (by pulling out the power-plug, the only way) and start it again. Still no go.

Nothing… I check the print-queue from my computer. 56 jobs in the queue… None printing…

OK, so I get an idea. How about I try to delete all those jobs, then restart the printer and the JetDirect device. That should cure it… The only problem is that since the school is using Novell for printer and file-access authentication, there is a thing called user rights, which means that neither I, nor the teacher, has access to delete other peoples print jobs…

That, in turn, means that I have to run around to 25 different workstations, deleting each job in sequence. And, of course, the best-known cure to printer problems is to hit the print-button several times… Even though the teacher several times ordered people to stop printing, the queue grew to about 75 jobs from 25 different workstations before I got that far. Instructing these computer dummies to open such an advanced thing as a printer queue is not easy (I learned the hard way – I tried…). So I had to run around and delete print jobs. Even though I told each and every one not to print until I said they could, guess what? They did anyway, which meant having to revisit at least ten workstations. Ugh…

The end: I got the jobs deleted, restarted the printer and the JetDirect, and all was well, the printer printing as usual.

The end II: A week later, the same thing happened… I was not happy, but knew what to do. And, of course, none of the others had learned anything from the first time…

Oh, well… I’m glad I’m finished with “Economics”. I don’t think I’d be lying if I said I spent about one third of the time in that class as combined tech support, computer use 101 teacher and sysadmin… (Not that I mind, it probably bumped me up one grade level)

_Mist_
You’ll find me in the Lockergnome chatroom
(http://www.lockergnome.com/chat.html)

Thanks to: _Mist_

Who's That Lady

I got a call from a elderly gentleman with a deep southern accent , he wanted to know if I knew a lady who worked with me , he didnt know her name but she kept coming on his phone line when he tried to go online , he wanted to know how she knew when he was trying to go online ( he was alittle upset too ) so I tried to explain that it was an operator message and he would not take that for and answer , so with alittle time and a few laughs we got he dialer to dial the right number and got him online .

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

I didn't know our software could do THAT!!

I currently support a software package that some colleges and universities use to track their student data. One identifier the software uses to manage the data is the students Social Security Number.

One day a user called in with what seemed to be a minor problem with the database. I walked her through running the standard database utilities, one of which would flash the Social Security Number of a student record being fixed by the utility.

Well, while running this utility, the caller's own SSN appeared on the screen. Since she was not a student she wondered aloud why her SSN would be in the database. She then said "Oh yeah! I remember when I first got the software I didn't have any real student records so I played with myself!" Silence. "Um. Heh. Heh heh."

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

is it working or networking???

I work for an ISP in Montreal and I just got that call from a guy who subscribed today. He was getting disconnected every 10 minutes, and had one of those crappy HSP onboard modems. We have a string for those modems that work quite well, so I wanted to apply it for the poor fella...

Me = Guess who :p
Dumb = Guess who :p

Dumb: Your connection is not worth a penny. It keeps on disconnecting me every now and then!
(I proceed to do all regular checks, which modem he has, etc.)
Me: Alright sir, are you in front of your computer?
Dumb: You damn right I am!
Me: Okay, double-click on My Computer
Dumb: Mmmkay
Me: Now, do you see an icon called Dial-Up Networking
Dumb: Well yeah, of course my computer is working! It's YOUR system that doesn't work!
Me: Sir, I didn't said that, I only asked if you see an icon called Dial...
Dumb: Don't give me excuses, it is YOUR system that is crap!
Me: Sir, do you want me to solve your problem or not?
Dumb: Well, yeah!
Me: Then just listen and follow me. I KNOW what the problem is!

Later in the call, I went to lower his modem's fifo buffers, and here's what happenned:

Me: Okay, do you see a button called "Port Settings"?
Dumb: umm... no.
Me: Okay then, look at the bottom left of the screen.
Dumb: No, I don't see a button left either...

>From that point, the call went downhill BIG TIME!

God, tell me why can't we issue computer-operating licenses?

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Boat Man likes hold music

a nice older man called in tonight and waited in our LONG que for about 80 minutes... when i answer the phone i do the full speil giving my name and company name and asked for his e-mail address...

he suddenly bursts out into a long rant telling me that his boat motor wasnt working any more and he has this fishing trip coming up and we needed to send him a new one... and he went on and on about what parts he needed and gave me some code number for the motor...

i kept trying to interupt him and all he would say is "you gettin all this sweety?"

finally when i got him to shut up he was like... "well... shit atleast you had nice hold music"

we all got a nice laugh out of this one.

Thanks to: Rayne

You supply tech support for WHAT!!!

I have just spent a very fustrating morning with a most idiotic tech support for Rock(not)well.

I currently working on an urgent project, creating H.M.I. (Human Machine Interface), for a pumping station.

The operator interface is a industrial computer with Win.CE O.S., and I am creating the project using the manufacturer's studio software, with screens, data entry, and data logging.

Before going for this software, I checked the manufacturer's tech support, to ensure that it was man enough for the job, and was told, "Yes it can log 300,000 values". Great just what was required.

The software arrived, and work comenced, I then noticed that, according software help screens, it could only log 10,000 values, (TROUBLE).

So back to tech support, pointed out the difference, and asked why?

The software being sold to the public, was version, with its limit of 10,000 values, but tech support had got version 1.5, which they based all their answers on. BUT version 1.5, is still in development, and therefore only available to the Beta testers.

The tech support guy, refused to accept that this discrepency, was leading to incorrect tech support info being given.

How they expect to support any one other than the Beta testers I have no idea.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

The 3 Year Virus.

Me-Hello Helpdesk

User-*sharply* I need help I have a virus on my computer.

Me-How do you know that if I may ask?

User-It says so when you turn it on, I have had this virus for three years, and your Dept continues to ignore me! For three years!

Me-*calming* Ok thats a problem my name is "skyhacker" and I have worked here for only one year, Do you take disks to and from work?

User-Of course! So do my roommates! We all have had this Virus for years! We cant work at the College because of this! I used to use just paper and ink as a girl...( Freaks and and starts to SWEAR and F this and F that and how her IBM typewriter is better...goes on for 5 minites )

Me-Ok this is awful! Lets work together to solve this problem. You and Me. ( still new, should of ended the call )
So you mean to tell me over the last 3 years yourself nor your roommates have used your pc here at work and work only at home? How do you do your job? ? ?

User-Well I don't have time right now to deal with this...*click*

Me-???

Morale of the tale.
1. Dont let a user swear at you and gain control of a service call.
2. As a user do not call and swear for 10 minites and then when offered service say you dont have time.
3. Do not work for a major university if you fear change or computers.

Personally I would bet my collection of 486 SX's that she had Mcafee (C) running and scanning at her boot...scanning her MBR and files, Thinking this was actually a virus. hahaha. This site rocks. Im making it my morning duty to send you stories. Use the Force (C)

Thanks to: SkyHacker007

Too much of a good thing?

I have this friend, he's one of those Amiga die hards. Nothing wrong with that, I'm a PS/2 diehard. Anyways, he has a PC, that he built himself, as he's more then able to do such. It's a Linux machine. Duron 800 or something, top of the line graphics card that he paid way too much for, huge harddrive for his art archive. His other machines in the past have included Next boxes, other Amigas, Macs, PC's, and his hoard of obsolete game console systems.

Recently with the cost of ram dropping, he added 256mb to his 128mb machine (at this point in time he was paying around $75 for 256mb). And again the next week added another 256mb of ram, bringing his grand total to 640mb of ram.

Being a computer geek myself, I can understand wanting to have more than 128mb of ram in my system, but I was very curious as to why he would go so far. I could think of nothing he ran (He runs a lot of games, being a serious gamer and other than that mostly webbrowses, chats and downloads picture archives (Over a 56k I might add). He dosn't do any high end graphics, rendering, large databases, programming, anything memory intensive, it's his game machine, not much more)

So, being curious I ask him "What on earth do you do that could possibly use that much memory?"

HIM : "Under Linux I run Enlightenment, Netscape, some mp3 players, and that kind of thing"

Doing the mental calculations, Netscape = 16-32mb unless the cache is set to be HUGE, Enlightenment = 32mb at most, mp3 players, his X terminal, and picture viewer, couldn't take more than another 32mb. I guestimate that this would all fit quite nicely in 128mb of ram.

ME: "That can't possibly take more than 100-150mb of ram"

HIM: "If I run top" (A system process usage monitor, a linux task manager essentially) "it says that I have only 7mb of free ram"

ME: "That's because Linux will use any extra ram as a disk cache, right now you have over 550mb of disk cache"

He had no further comments, oddly enough.

I wonder how come he never noticed that no matter how much more ram he added, he always had around the same ammount of ram free.

Thanks to: PosiCat

Sewing Machine

I had an elderly woman call me for internet support a few months back. All we were trying to do was R&R the dialer. I asked her to right click on the dialer for about 20 minutes trying all kinds of things. We just couldn't seem to get it to work. I asked her if the mouse was turned up-side-down, it was not. I finally asked her where is the mouse??? She says, its on the floor. I said well pick it up!! She had the computer for over a year and didn't know the mouse and pad layed on the desk. She looked at it like a sewing machine pedal. She had been using her feet and toes for a year. No wonder shes couldn't right click.

Thanks to: Lori

Moving files

All our users have access to a shared drive on the server, and they are encouraged to keep their working files on this drive for security and positive backups. One user went on vacation and while she was gone, we updated her machine with a brand new PC.

Upon her return she went to her server drive only to find her files missing. She found some files in folders belonging to others and could not account for it. Some files were lost forever. I attempted to explain to her that someone who had access to her files must have moved them to use while she was gone.

Another office worker piped in, yelling, "The files are gone and it's YOUR fault. I saw you taking her old machine out of here and you were tilting it around, it was YOU who spilled the files out of her folder into other folders!"

With logic like that, all I could do was apologize and walk out.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

What did they Expect??

Real email I received from a customer:

It has come to me attention that there are web sites on (the internet) that teach how to make bombs, poisens, etc. How do I block these? My 17 year old does not make the smartest choises. He has been browsing these websites. He even made a molitoff coctail, but was talked into getting rid of it. This cannot be allowed to continue. This needs to be blocked. We need to know every single website that teaches/shows how to make these dangerous things, so they can be blocked. If it continues, even one more time, I will discontinue the service, instantly. Please tell me what I need to know, so this computer will be safe for teenagers. I know that lots of things happen

I think I told them to seek out a psychiatrist.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Superman

I am a system administrator for a collections department automated dialer. People tend to come to me for all ends of technical questions, but this morning....! As I am monitoring my system (reading tech tales!) a young lady is trying to use the fax machine nearby. She asks me if the outgoing fax should be placed type up or down, not too terribly stupid of a question with all the diff. fax machines out there. I let her know to insert text up and go back to my reading. A moment later I heard the fax machine dial, and before it was done, it was giving a busy signal. I looked up and asaked if she had hit 9 first to get out of the building, she said no. Soooo, she tries again. a minute later, she asks the zinger....do you also have to dial one? I asked is the call long distance? The sheepish reply was yes. I let her figure the rest out on her own.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

yet another clueless tech

I was just on the phone with an AT&T @home cable modem tech named Jan.

me: I'm not getting a signal on my cable modem.
Jan: Okay, let's power cycle the modem. First unplug the power cord from the modem, then unplug the ethernet cable from the modem and from the back of the computer.
me: .... What? Why should I unplug the cable from the computer?
Jan: Well, the ethernet cable can hold settings.
me: (hysterical laughter) Can I talk to someone who has technical knowledge?

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Famous Last Words

My Cow-orker was talking with The Unix SysAdmin - He mutes the phone, laughs and says "Famous Last Words for a SysAdmin - 'What the hell command did I just run?'" then points at the phone. I know he's not joking too; How funny is that?

Good thing it wasn't 'rm -fr /'.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Details...

I've worked at a couple of ISPs by now and this is a funny one from a couple of days ago.
Me: "ISP, how can I help you?"
Client: "I'd like to set up my internet connection."
Me: "Great, are you in front of your computer."
Client : "Yes"
Me: "Okay, I'm going to need you to click on Start..."
Client: "Oh, did you want me to take the computer out of the box?"
Me: "Why don't you give us a call back when it's all set up sir?"

Sometimes it's all in the details.

Thanks to: MtlTechChick

what help?

The cable light on my modem went out. It went back on for 15 minutes, during which time I contacted the online support. They told me there were no problems. Ten minutes later, it went out again, for 6 hours.
I tried to call them on the phone. You input your phone number and a recording tells you if there is an outtage in the area. Then the recording hangs up on you. So I borrowed my parents' computer to contact online support again.
The following is the transcript
(parenthesis are side comments, not made during the chat)

T-Marsha W says, Is this for cable TV or internet?
You say, my service has been out since 4. I'd like to know when it will be restored
You say, internet
T-Marsha W says, let me check on that, one moment please
T-Marsha W says, Is this *****
You say, yes
T-Marsha W says, Have you power cycled your modem?
You say, yes
T-Marsha W says, OK, I'm not showing any outages, other than the email
T-Marsha W says, What are the lights on the modem doing?
You say, power and pc are fine
You say, cable is either bllinking slowly or is off
T-Marsha W says, And is your cable TV working?
You say, data is blinking every once in awhile
You say, I don't have cable tv
T-Marsha W says, OK, let me check a few things, just a moment
You say, ok
T-Marsha W says, *****, when you power cycled, exactly how did you do that?
You say, the same way I have done it every single time your cable goes out
You say, unplug everything turn off the power wait and plug it all back up
T-Marsha W says, OK
T-Marsha W says, Just making sure
T-Marsha W says, OK I just sent a signal to the modem, do you see anything?
You say, ty computer I'm on
You say, my cable is out
T-Marsha W says, Are you at home?
You say, no
You say, my cable is out
T-Marsha W says, OK, we really can't help you if you're not there to power cycle the modem, let me set you up with a service call
You say, how precisely do you expect me to be online with you on a computer that can't access the internet because the cable is out?
T-Marsha W says, Well, I've always had 2 dial up accounts in case one doesn't work (so basically she is telling me the ISP she works for is so sh**ty that I need another one)
You say, I don't have a phone
T-Marsha W says, do you want me to set up a service call?
You say, is there any point? (I asked this because the earliest I've ever been able to schedule a truck is 3 weeks, and that's after using the service for 6 months)
T-Marsha W says, Apparently not
T-Marsha W has left this session!
The session has ended!

I gave up and went home, during which the cable was on for another ten minutes, and off for four more hours. Apparently (this is my guess, mind you) when they fixed the email that had been out in my area, it caused the entire network to go down)

Thanks to: Irish Chit

Cheeseburger

I work for a small Cellular/Pager/Internet company in a small rural area, so naturally I get a lot of PEBCAK errors. Two of the best, however, come not from our customers, but from my boss who has been working here since the company opened, hence the title, and his nickname

First, one day while checking out a customer's computer (we do in-house internet tech support for free) I was working away happily when I heard him on the other side of the room mutter "What the #$&! is wrong with this? This monitor port is backwards." One of the other guys in the office took a look and saw he was trying to plug the monitor into the serial port. Kicker is, the monitor port was next to it.

Second tale involving cheeseburger is similar. This time, he went to check out a modem in a customer's computer on our workbench where the modem wasn't responding properly. Unfortunately, he failed to notice the four little lights next to the ethernet port when he plugged the phone cord into it. Nope, no modem physically installed either, however, windows reported a 300 baud modem running in perfect order...

Thanks to: Aneirin

Broken Monitor

A coustomer came in with a monitor that he claimed was broken. I took it in and connected it to a computer, started the computer up and looked at the monitor.
All i could se was a very faint picture of the normal windows desktop. So its broken right ?
Wrong ! the coustomer had somehow turned the contrast down to zero and then you couldn´t see anything. All I had to do was turn the contrast up again and everything looked fine.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Ten-dot-zero-dot-huh??

I work DSL tech support and the other day I had 3 customer's in a row that made me cry out of pity, here's how the last one went.

Me: "Okay let's type in P-I-N-G space 10.0.0.1"
C: "Hold on hold on!! P-I-N-G and then what?"
Me: "space"
C: "S-P-A..."
Me: "No! Use the space bar."
C: "OH! okay space"
Me: "now type 10.0.0.1"
C: "10.0.1?"
Me: "No, 10.0.0.1"
C: "Slow Down!"
Me: *grrr* "Sorry, TEN-DOT-ZERO-DOT-ZERO-DOT-ONE"
C: "Okay, P-I-N-G and a space then 10.0.10.1?"
Me: (AM I NOT SAYING IT RIGHT???)

We finally got it in right! But I about had a mental breakdown. 3 Calls in a row just like this!!
Love the site, it helps me vent :-Þ

Thanks to: Heather

Good People

I work internal tech support/help desk. We have a lot of password changes because of company polices. I have the person open the control panel window and have them change the password step by step after every user has a copy of how to do it. She even had the sheet right in front of her, So she restarts and logs in. I hang up 10 secs later she call's back.

Her: "I can't use my program, it will not let me access it"
Me: "Please describe the screen."
Her: "It says control panal"
Me: "please click the X in the upper right corner"
Her: "Where is the X"
Me: "Can you please if a coworker is nearby"
Her: "yes stand right next to me"
Me: "please give them the phone"
Well they knew what I ment and handed the phone back to her
Her: "Thank you now I can do my work agian"

It was a shortcut on her desktop and she had never seen a window open she has been using a computer here for 3 1/2 years. God help the stupid people

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Click on MY COMPUTER...

I have worked ISP for almost two years...

My most memorable moment ever was asking a user to click on my computer and getting the response, "How the hell do you expect me to click on your computer?!!"

How the hell was this guy smart enough to purchase a computer is my question?

Thanks to: (the) Amethyst!

The I is an L

We have a remote mainframe that several people in our office access from here via the Internet. We have been having problems with one particular user not being able to get in. We tracked it down to the terminal ID that she had configured to access the mainframe. If we substituted someone else's ID, it worked fine. It would only abort with hers. So we emailed their support people and asked to make sure we had the correct Id. The email reply said, "I checked on the Terminal ID and it is Terminal ID AAA11I the last letter is a L". So the I(eye) is an L(el)? Or is the L and I?

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

Free Cable Internet

My brother-in-law is an installer for cable internet. At one of his normally routine house calls he is performing an install for a college student and all is well. That is until he notices that the cable line has been spliced and runs into the roommates bedroom.

When he follows the cable he discovers tha the shielding on a sectio of the cable had been removed and a telephone wire has been spliced to the cable. The roommate had decided to access the cable internet (for free of-course) by using his dial-up modem spliced to the TV cable.

Go figure.

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

I Love My Mom but...

Here's two incidents.

1. My mum calls me into her room cause her computer is beeping.
One power cycle later it is beeping. I look around and notice the keyboard,
or in this case the pile of clothes on the keyboard. Figure out the rest.

2. My mum wants me to install a new game. I said fine.
During the game's start up it says **Cannot run in DOS**

I wondered why. I asked her what version of Windows my cousin had.
She said Win ME. MY mum has 3.1

Thanks to: DJ

Reset actually DOES something... wow!

Not really computers, but still tech... and it's the techies with the ID Ten T Error.

I work at the local Science Center, where we just finished renovating our Planetarium; everyone was being trained to work in the redone area. During my "immersion" training (walk around with a clipboard and think what visitors might ask), I saw six tech guys huddled around the "Cosmic Crank." The Cosmic Crank shows how big the universe is- turn the wheel once and you go one light-year; it shows on a bar-graph how far across the known fifteen-billion light-year universe you are. (The graph doesn't budge... that's the point of the exhibit. The numbers keep going up, but that's it...) There are also two counters- one for Total Turns, one for Your Turns. Every turn of the crank increases both numbers by one; a RESET button will reset the Your Turns number and not the Total number.

I went over to see what the Tech Squad was doing, and I heard them make comments like "why isn't the number changing...", "only the total's going up, not the yours...",
"the bar graph isn't moving..."

I came over, looked at the situation, and said only two things.

"One, the bar graph not moving is the whole point- you can turn as much as you want, but it's not much in a galactic sense."

I continued...

"Also, you're leaning on the RESET COUNTER button."

Thanks to: SmartGamer

User Account

We have an Intranet site. You NEED a user name and password in order to access the secure areas. Heres a user call i JUST took.

Me- Hi Helpdesk how can I help you?

User- Yes hello I have made a made a number of requests for an account on your system.

Me- Ok and you have filled in the on-line forms? You can send them in using the PC or through direct mail...

User- I was told that would take to long and I am here only on a contract. Is it possible to have one setup?

Me- Yes of course, but the process is to fillout the online form sir...

User *pissed*- Well I really need to access that area! Could you please put this in place by noon?

( note to users...If you really want to make your local helpdesk tech laugh make a request you should of made months ago, except wait exactly one hour before you need that resource. )

Me- The chances of that happening are very slim to none. However if you fillout the online form we can...

User- Grumble swear grumble....etc etc click.
____________________________________________________________

Point 1- Dont bitch cause I can't create you a Unix-NT-Windows-Novell account in less than an hour

Point 2- Never call a helpdesk with an time critical request that has to be done in the next hour. Its not gonna happen

Point 3- Find out what resources you need for a job before you complete 2/3 of your contract THEN bitch to the helpdesk, we have root baby and can erase all records of your even being born.

Peace!

SkyHacker007

Thanks to: SkyHacker007

Coffee Mate...

This is one of the calls when answering phones. After getting the main information on the customer, and their computer.

ME: How can I help you this morning?
THEM: It seems that the box for my laptop was wrong...
ME: Knowing either that this was going to be a fun, or very bad call.... I asked the customer what they meant.
THEM: Well, I thought the box was coffee proof, and therefore the laptop too... I guess that my thinking was wrong....
ME: Oh no... what happened?
THEM: Well, my coworkers and I were enjoying our morning dose of Starbucks, and ummm somehow the coffee jumped from the cup, and onto my laptop... Now it won't work... Is there anything that I can do?
ME: Well for starters, I would definitely send the box back for a refund....:)

That got a laugh out of the customer, and then I told him that he would not be able to use the laptop for about a week while it is in for service at the laptop service location.

I just loved the description he had given me...

Thanks to: Anonymous Tech Supporter

You surf how?

I do helpdesk and techsupport for a big university in Canada...eh. Once again I love my users but DAMM sometimes they need to stop drop and roll.

User-I seem to have problems logging in from home.

Me- Ok lets look at your settings....

( Insert tech stuff here )

Me- Looks ok, when did this all start?

User- Just today...It has failed 3 times.

Me- Interesting...you are aware we only have 8 modems?

User- Oh yes but ive never had issues like this before.

Me- Do you have a ISP? Maybe you can have better luck through them...as we only have 8 modems.

User- I dont have a ISP, I do all my email and surfing through the university.

Me- You surf through a remote connection using our servers on our T3 line using one of out 8 modems?

User- Yes. ( straight faced )

Me- well may i suggest...

____________________________________________________________

Point 1- Dont dial into a remote location ( Non-ISP ) for emai