Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I work in the tech support department for a software developer. Many of our vendors also teach their dealers how to use our software.

One of them called me one day to tell me about the woman who couldn't put her 3.5" floppy into the drive. She kept telling him it wouldn't fit.

He's going crazy trying to figure out why it wouldn't fit. Finally he outright asked her what was wrong with it. Her reply: "It's got too much air in it!" Totally baffled now, he asked her what she meant.

She had left the disk on the dashboard of her car, and it got baked and puffed up. Therefore, it had too much air in it and wouldn't fit!

We all have bad typing days sometimes. While checking a user's prior call history, I ran across a great one.

Problem: User is unable to type while in Netscape. Resolution: Had user shitdown then restart Win95. Problem cleared.

Of course we know now that choosing our words carefully is very important.... To wit:

me: Okay now click on the OK button.

user: I don't have an OK button.

me: It would be right there below the username field, at the bottom of the window.

user: Nope, the username field is the bottom of the window.

me: OK then, you'll need to drag that window to the center of your display so you can see the entire window.

user: How do I do that?

me: Well, you see the solid colored bar across the top of the user info window, right?

user: Yes...

me: OK, put your mouse on the bar, click down the mouse button and just drag the window higher on the screen until you see the OK button.

user: It's not working.

me: are you sure? You're directly over the bar, then you click...

yser It's not working.

The user continued trying for about 5 minutes, with both of us becoming more and more impatient. Eventually I could distinguish a distinct, frustrated "tink, tink, tink" noise coming from the other end of the call...

me: Sir, do you have the mouse directly over the solid-colored bar at the top of the user info bar?

user: I think so, I mean, how am I supposed to know that? When I put the mouse over the bar I can't see it because my hand is in the way....

In a rare moment of clarity (and something I haven't forgotten since ) I said, "OK, let's try this... put the mouse back down on the desk and hit the enter key on your keyboard."

user: Oh... that worked. Why didn't you just say that in the first place?

me: Sorry, my bad...

I work for an major canadian ISP as a tech support agent.

I got a call from a lady, she couldnt connect.

tech: OK, click on start/programs/accessories/DUN

member: "pause" oh....oh...it's so hard with this thing

so im wondering, ok her mouse is probably screwed.

It took about 5 minutes for her to get to DUN.

tech: right click on the connectoid, goto properties.

member: I cant seem to right click.

tech: the button doesnt work?

member: It's hard my foot keeps slipping.

tech: youre foot?

So now im thinkin she's handicaped

tech: are you physically disabled?

member: no why?

tech: why are you using youre foot with the mouse?

member: Well my gas pedal should go on the floor , no?

tech: man , the power it took to contain laughter, **** man

READ PEOPLE! hehehe.

anyway i told her she could put it on her desk and use it

with her hand.

some people! you just dont know

A client asked to have his computer upgraded with a new video board. He did try but was having trouble removing the old one so he could get in the new one. When I opened the case I realized the task was not going the be very easy. Every expansion slot was filled with silicone caulk. When asked why, the client said that he was worried about moisture and rusting. I asked if he thought that might be the reason why the video board would not come out he said no, silicone is slippery. Don't figure.

I'm a person who is relativly new to computers when this call took place. I was still afraid to do anything i havn't done before without checking to make sure I won't mess anything up.

When we first got our computer a few months ago, I wanted to set up individual desktops for my family. Well, not knowing how, and not finding it in the owners manual (I would regret that) we called Gateway 2000, where we got the computer. They said they would help us with ANY problem.

Tech:Hello, this is **** filling in for *****, how may i help you?

Me:Yes, I would like to know how to set up individual desktops?

Tech:Huh?

Me:You know, everyone has their own icons and background,etc. I was thinking about looking in Control panel on the start bar, but I wanted to check.

Tech:Ok,well,are you in windows?

Me:um,yes.

Tech:Windows 95?

Me:Yes...

Tech:okay, look in the start bar.

Me:I just told you I looked, is it in control panel?

Tech:Just look in the start bar (sounding really annoyed)

Me:okay, fine...I'm in the start bar.

Tech:Click on the button that says start.

Me:(having done this the second i was in the start bar)Okay.

Tech:Look in settings.

Me:Are you sure it's not in control panel, in settings?

Tech:Sir, if you are going to be difficult I can't help you.

Me:*sigh*Okay, I'm in settings.

Tech:Do you see the opotion that says "Control Panel"?

Me:yes.....

Tech:Go in that one, then find display properties..

Me:I could have just right-clicked on the screen for that.

Tech:I wasn't fininshed, Look for a desktop option.

Me:Look, I'm not an idiot, there is no option for desktops in display properties.

Tech:Then you can't do it.

Me:Well, fine, I suppose I click on passwords to add a password?

Tech:Yes

Me:okay......Hey wait, It's right here!

Tech:What is?

Me:The desktop option!

Tech:Sir, lying to try and fool someone with GREATER computer knowledge than you.....

Last I know, the real tech. came back. I have since began to dabble in programing. I sometimes wonder how he got that job ;)

I worked with a major ISP about a year ago that had a slew of attacks to some of our customers via Trojan horse programs. Despite copious warnings to *NOT DOWNLOAD ANYTHING FROM SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW*, people cheerfully downloaded "free programs" that bragged being screen savers, hacker tools, and porno files. One version of this TH would take your password and login keystrokes, and send them to someone on the Internet when you logged on. One of our developers found a way to detect this TH, and soon, an automated process started where the customer's account would be shut down, a ticket would be generated, and an experienced tech rep would call the member at home to make them aware, and have it removed off the system. This was hard because the TH would be in your registry, have dozens of hidden files labelled genuine-sounding names like "win386.exe" and modify your system tray. So a tech rep had a job akin to doing skilled surgery over the phone to a person who barely knew how to run "Explorer.exe". On top of that, we had to make sure we weren't calling one of the hackers, because we didn't have proper security in place yet in case they retaliated.

Most people were gratified of this service. But when the service first started, I was monitoring a call that turned ugly rather unexpectedly.

Tech: Hello, this is [Bob] from [ISP], is this [Customer name]?

Kid: No, that's my mom. She's not here.

Tech: When will she be back, this is very important.

Kid: Uh... is this about why I can't get on the web?

Tech: Yes, but I must speak with the person who set up the account--

Kid: Uh, I'll handle it! M-my mother doesn't know how to fix computers, see and --

[Then the tech heard the sound of mom asking, "Who's that on the phone, dear?", and then the call was cut off. The tech called back, and this time the mother answered]

Tech: [after explaining who we were, what happened, etc]... so you see, we will need to go through your system and remove this.

Cust: Oh, dear, I don't know. I'm taking a course at college, so I guess so. What do I need to do?

[The tech talked her through it. Luckily, she did everything we asked, and removed the files off her system, despite her son constantly whining and nagging her not to fool with it. "This computer doesn't have a virus! Don't listen to this guy!" the kid kept saying. His whining became rather intense when we got to the last part.]

Tech: Okay, now that we have rebooted, and we know the Trojan Horse is not on the system, we have to find the original executable. Look in your download directory and tell me if you see any files in there.

Cust: In the download directory to look at files? Okay.

Kid: Noooooooo! Stop mom, you don't know what you are doing! Nooooo!

Tech: Look for any of the following files... [list of files]

Cust: There's one! There porno4u.exe one. Hey, wait, porno?

Kid: Noooo!

Tech: Yes, DO NOT DOUBLE CLICK it. Click it once, and hit the delete key.

Cust: Okay... empty the recycle bin?

Tech: Yes, now the Trojan horse is off your--

Cust: Wait, home come it got on the computer in the first place?

Kid: Hang up on him, it doesn't matter, noooo!

Tech: Uh, well, the fact is, someone downloaded it. That file comes attached to a piece of mail promising... uh...

Cust: Free noogie?

Tech: In a manner of speaking.

Cust: Well... since my ten-year-old son has the only e-mail account on this computer, it would seem that he downloaded a file that promised free noogie, is the correct?

Tech: Uh, well, some of our users did end up on a hacker's mailing list--

Kid: Don't listen to him, he's lying, I never would--OW!

Cust: [off phone] Joshua Herschel Epstien [fake name], you are going to get the beating of your life when I get off this phone!!!

Kid: Nooooo! [smack]

Cust: Don't you DARE run away from me! I am giving this computer to your sister at Vanderbilt for sure now! [smack smack]

Kid: Let go of my ear! Ow!

Cust: [surprisingly calm and polite to tech] Thank you dearie, for all your help. You are a sweet boy. Unlike some children who will be grounded for a MONTH! [smack]

The tech ended the call. All of us supervising the call, including a bigwig assigned to the project were in tears laughing. I can't tell you how many times we wanted to do that to customers downloading porno Trojan files! I feel sorry for that kid...

As the owner (1 man shop) of a small company I have to deal with a number of items. Of these items the largest problem can be tech support. I have had a number of experiences that I would like to share. The first goes,

Hi (name of company) Bruce speaking how can I help you?

Customer It's (name) do you remember me?

I did, only because of previous problems

Customer It's about that computer I bought from you.

OK, What about it ( It was a used 486 I had sold on consignment)

Customer Well I keep getting this error when I start it.

What error?

Customer It says that my configuration is invalid.

Are you at the computer now?

Customer Yes I am, would you like me to turn it on?

Yes please and read me exactly what it says

Customer does this and then I request that she presses the reset button but this time to press the delete key immediately after starting it

Customer OK now what?

Use the arrow keys and move to the box on the upper left side of the screen and press enter, then tell me what it says for time and drive type (Customer was quite knowledgable)

Customer it says it's 12:01 AM and that I have a 5 1/4 floppy

No problem, I will come tomorrow and fix it, it's just the battery has died

Customer BATTERY?

Yes there is a battery inside th... (cut off by yelling at this point)

Customer You mean to tell me there's a battery in this damn thing?

Well yes, the batt.. (cut off again)

Customer If there's a battery in this f*****g thing then why the hell do I have to plug it in and waste money on the power bill!

Now, I just didn't know what to say. I was totally stunned and got off the phone right away and said I would be there tomorrow to fix it. It was not until 20 minutes later that I began to laugh and did not stop for hours.

Number two came from a young guy when I visited his mom. He was 14 and was quite the computer kid. It looked like he wanted to talk about computers for hours but his mom told me that she said no computer talk. Eventually the mother left the room and he started right away. He had 1000 questions for me but the one that killed me was this,

Young guy When I go on the internet some guy keeps wanting to put stuff on my computer. Do you know what this is about?

Who is it? And what does he want to put on your computer? Is it someone trying to send you mail that shouldn't be?

Young guy I have no idea who it is. Every time it happens this little box pops up and it says alert.

Now thinking somethings strange, I ask if he has ever tried to send this person email

Young guy He never gives me his email address but he gives me his nickname

Now I'm thinking this kid has some pervert stalking him, so I ask him this guys nickname.

Young guy He says his name is cookie

Muffled laughter. I excused myself from the room to use the facilities and ten minutes later when I could talk I explained what cookies are for and what they are. He seemed very relieved.

I work graveyard for a major computer company. One night I got this call from this kid that went something like this:

Me: Thank you for calling XXXXX This is Debbi

Kid: Could you give me the CD-Key for Visual Basic 5.0

Me: I believe that is located on a sticker on the jewel case that it came in.

Kid: I don't have a jewel case, I downloaded it off of my e-mail.

Me: (shocked) You downloaded it off of your e-mail????

Kid: Well yeah, it took 204 minutes to download.

Me: Did you download this off of the Microsoft Website? The control creation edition version 5.0.

Kid: No, some guy I was chatting with online e-mailed it to me and I need the cd-key to install it.

Me: Well, I'm sorry, I don't have the information. Is the guy who sent you the program still on-line?

Kid: No.

Me: What I would do is send this guy an e-mail and tell him that you need the cd-key to install it.

Kid: Couldn't I just call Microsoft and get it from them?

Me: Sure, I don't know if they'll give it to you, but you can certainly try.

Kid: Okay, I'll do that - thanks (click)

The guys I was working with that night died laughing over that one. We started to play out what Microsoft would do if that kid had actually called.

MS: Thanks for calling.....(or whatever they say)

Kid: Can I have the cd-key for VB5?

MS: Where did you obtain a copy of VB?

Kid: Someone sent it to me on my e-mail.

MS: May I place you on hold so that we may contact Microsoft Police to arrest you and the person who spent the time downloading the program to you?

I would have loved to been the MS Tech who got that kid and explained that he just broke the law and was dumb enough to tell them

Thanks - Debbi

Quote from a brilliant member:

"I took the modem out of the computer so I could call you..."

Tech bangs his head slowly on the desk...

CD

I love making an irate member look stupid for something they did. Example:

I work for a big ISP. The other day a member called me up, belligerant as anything. In the process of trying to calm him down, I gathered the story of why he was so irate.

Apparently for 4 months now, he could NEVER sign on to our service. He would constantly get "no carrier." He would call at all hours of the day and night, and NEVER get on. As a common procedure, we check the access numbers to see if they aren't working properly.

He gave me the access numbers, and I checked them against our database of access numbers. But they were no where to be found. This sometimes happens, we're a huge ISP, and sometimes new numbers out that don't get put in the database. So I ask him if I can dial the numbers to test them, and he agrees.

I dial the number and hear the phone ring and expect to hear a carrier signal. Instead, an answering machine picks up, and halfway through the message someone picks up the phone line and yells, "IS THIS THE S.O.B. THAT KEEPS CALLING ME AT ALL HOURS OF THE NIGHT?" "No, sir, this is Chris from (ISP). Apparently one of our members put your number in his software and has been trying to sign on through your house!" I apologized to him for the member and told him I would make it very clear to the member that he was dialing the wrong number. He also wanted me to have the member call him, that he wanted to hear him apologize for waking him up all those times.

I got back to the member after about 15 minutes on hold and directed the member to enter NEW numbers, ones that were actually IN our database. He sharply quipped, "Will these work better?"

I quickly replied, "It'll work better than that answering machine you've been trying to sign on to for 4 months!"

"What??"

"Sir, the reason you can't sign on is because you had someone's home phone number in your dialing box. I want you to know he is very upset for all the calls you've made to his house. After we hang up, he wants you to call him and apologize. And if you have future problems, don't wait four months to call us!" *click*

CD

Working on a retail helpdesk that supports home users, I had a call from a customer that had problems with his screensaver.

We started by going through all the settings and testing the screensaver by previewing it, asking if he has any other program running, taking a general approach.

After quite extensive questioning and seeing the screensaver working propperly I posed the question of exactly when this screensaver failed to appear.

The reply, 'Each time I switch off my computer and wait for 5 minutes, the screensaver does not start.'

It took another 10 minutes to explain what SCREENSAVER means.

When I was working as an out-of-store tech guy, I was often sent on service calls to local small businesses that required computer service.

One morning the dispatcher gave me a work order for a 'serious crisis' at their office. "Computer doesn't have an operating system" was all that was on the sheet.

So, I gear up with a new hard drive, re-installation software, boot disks for nearly ever OS known to man, tools for computer disassembly, data recovery tools, etc.

Our charge to just leave the building on a call is $20, with a minimum one hour ($72/hour) service work.

I arrive at the business, carrying my incredible load of repair equipment. As if by a force of magic, I reached down, ejected the floppy disk (which wasn't bootable), handed her the disk and the work order with $92 scribbled at the bottom of it. I was in and out of the business in about 45 seconds.

There was this old lady who worked at the same place as my mother. The old lady had bought a cd-rom game from a nearby store, and she came to ask me why the game didn't work, she said only that it gave some strange sounds. I thought it was some problem with sound card drivers, well I couldn't say anything right there so we went to her house.

When we got there I asked her where her computer was.. She guided me to a room and only thing I could see was a cd-player on her desk.. You might see, i LOLed pretty much..

Since that, I haven't been able to face her again :D

A co-worker of mine got a call from a very confused customer.

Customer: Hello my name is XXXX i have a problem with my keyboard.

Support: Well, could you tell me about you problem?

C: I can't write any 'S' at my computer

S: You mean that the 'S' doesnt appear on the screen when you press the 'S' key?

C: No I mean that i can't find the 'S'-key.

S: Its to the right of the 'A' key.

C: No it's a D there.

S: (getting a bit frustrated), You see the CAPS-LOCK key?

C: Yes

S: To the right of CAPS-Lockl, can you see the 'A' key?

C: Yes it's there

S: To the right of the 'A' key, there is the 'S' key, right?

C: No, it's a 'D' there.

S: Do you have a ruler?

C: Yes, how come?

S: Get it please.

C: I have one now.

S: measure as i say now, 4 CM from the LEFT and 4 CM from the bottom, THERE is the 'S' key

C: (quiet for a while), Yes THERE is the 'S'Key, thank you and good bye!

Hi, is this tech support?

Yeah.

Well, I was formatting some floppy disks this morning.

OK.

... and one of them took a lot longer to format than

any of the others.

Oh dear.

Now I can't seem to be able to get at anything on my

hard disk...

I was doing an on-site system build (very long story) and I needed to get a power supply and a new MB. I called a nearby computer store and asked for an ATX style power supply. He asked me how many volt/watt/amps I wanted it at. Being a bit confused, I said I want it at 120volts and at least 200watts. He said, "No I'd like to know how many volt/watt/amps you need it at. The higher the number, the higher the cost." I said, "I think you mean watts and I would like at least a 200." He said, "Look, I know what I'm talking about. My friends and I actually get together build computers from the actual pieces themselves. Its sort of a weekend hobby. I'm far more knowledgeable than the common user. I know how to rate a power supplier." To this, I plainly said, "I see. Have you heard of (I named my store)?" He said, "Yeah. We occasionally buy computers from them. The people that work there are good friends of ours." I said, "Well, I own the business and I'm the only person the works there. I can build systems single handedly for a weekday job while it takes several of you knowledgeable people to build one. All I want is a power supply. Maybe if you rub your two brain cells together with the brain cells of the other people that work there, you can figure out how to sell one." To this he said, "uhh, someone wants to talk to you. here he is." Then the manager got on the phone, "Hi, I'm the manager. You need a 200 watt ATX power supply?" I said, "Yeah. The last person I talked to was intellectually unable to sell me one." He said, "Oh he's the owner of the company. He's a computer moron."

I don't like the telephone. It forces people that know what they're doing to talk to people who don't. I had just sold a computer system to a local electronics components and semiconductors store owner. She was ecstatic while buying the computer, but when she got home, she called me and started complaining that I didn't responsibly sell her a computer. At the time of purchase, I offered to set it up for her, but she said she'd be fine with it herself. The phone call was a nice bunch of computer problems mixed with an irate customer. Here's how the pleasant conversation went:

*intro 'n stuff*

Me:Well, what is your computer doing or not doing?

Her:I plugged everything in and turned on the monitor, the computer, the speakers, and the subwoofer. The computer makes sounds like its starting up and the Windows startup sound comes up, but the monitor is blank. I know the monitor is plugged in correctly. There's no possible way to plug any of the cables on the back incorrectly.

Me:hmm. Would you mind double checking the cables? It is possible that the monitor came unplugged while other things were being plugged in.

Her:Okay. Just a second.

*I hear some movement, then POW, scream, fire extunguisher, then she picks up the phone.*

Her:You still there?

Me:Yes, I'm still here, maam.

Her:The monitor is plugged in, but it still isn't making any picture.

Me:What was the explosion sound that I heard?

Her:Oh that was the mouse.

Me:Did the mouse explode?

Her:Ha ha ha, no, the table in the kitchen fell and my son's mouse and its cage fell. The mouse got free and the cat started running towards it. I tried to scream to scare the cat away, but it didn't. So I grabbed the fire extinguisher and started shooting it near the cat so that it would leave the mouse alone.

Me:Um...Okay. I was afraid that part of the computer exploded.

Her:Nope. The computer is still as it was when you sold it to me, broken. Like I said, the cable is plugged into the computer just fine, but the light to the monitor is not coming on.

Me:Did you check the power cable?

Her:Yeah. That's the cable on the monitor, right?

Me:That's one of the cables. One cable connects to the computer and another connects to the wall.

Her:Like I told you, (irritated voice) I plugged the monitor into the computer and the computer is plugged into the wall. Both those plugs are connected just fine.

Me:How many plugs do you have plugged into the wall?

Her:*sigh*Okay, lets waste more time. There's one from the computer, one from the speakers and subwoofer, and one from the little lamp I plugged in. Okay?!?! Satisfied that you successfully wasted another ten seconds of MY time?

Me:I'm sorry that this is not working out well, maam. I'm doing what I can to help over the phone. The monitor should have a cord for it just like the computer has. That will need to be plugged in to give the monitor power.

Her:The monitor doesn't need to be plugged into the wall to get power. It gets power through the one cable that is connected to the back of the computer.

Me:Unless you have two cords going to the computer, you won't have any power for the monitor.

Her:Just wait a second a**-hole!

*I hear the computer power down and the monitor power up. Then I hear the monitor turn off and the computer power up. A few seconds later, the monitor powers up.*

Her:You have not been any help to me at all. I had to use the spare computer power cable in the box to power the monitor. For some reason, the power is not traveling correctly over the cable from the computer and I had to power it directly.

*At this point, I'm pretty well ticked off.*

Me:That's the way I've been trying to describe to hook it up.

Her:Shut up for one second. You...You put a virus on my computer! You are trying to sabotage my business computer! Why are you doing this?

Me:I did not put a virus on it and there is no way that it could have gotten one while it was here. Why do you think you have a virus?

Her:It told me plain-as-day that Windows was not properly shut down. Then it started Scandisk to search for viruses.

Me:That's not a virus, trust me. Just call up any computer tech anywhere and ask them to explain it to you. Your computer will work fine. Right now, I'm going to go home and go right to bed. Thanks for calling. Good bye.

Her:Okay. You go get some rest. You deserve it. Thanks for your help. I'm so glad that I have my computer working now.

Me:No problem. Bye.

The next day, she came in with a little decorative fountain as a gift. A week later, she brings the computer in to have a scanner installed. The video card's connector was filed down so that the monitor could be plugged in either direction.

I own a computer business and often have to return stuff to the distributors. Whenever someone wants to return something, they have to give a reason. Well, one day, a man comes in, roughly drops a motherboard box on the counter, and asked for a replacement. When I asked why, he opened the box so that I could see. Inside the box, there was a handgun, a police badge, and a wallet. It turns out that a police officer that was getting a packaging job decided to ship his stuff home in a motherboard box when he moved up to full time.

My father is still struggling with computers. Early one

day, he went to the local library to get some information

on a do-it-yourself project. Confusion set in when he

could not find any catalogues, so he went to one of the

assistants and found out that the catalogues were all on

computers. She pointed him in the direction of a bank

of computers, then asked if he just flip the switch on

one of the power bars; he was in so early that she

still had not turned any of them on.

Off he went eager to get started his search, but he was

soon back at the assistant's desk. "I'm looking for some

some information on laying floors," he explained. "I've

tried all of them, but they all say 'WINDOWS'"

While working at a UNIX computer company and doing the

trade show circuit, we were very proud that our computers

could run MS Windows on top of UNIX.

One person walked up at a trade show.

We said, "Our computers come with windows!"

They replied, "Oh, is that so you can se the circuit boards?"

Tech: Hello, Tech Support

User: I plan on moving my computer, is it a good idea to turn it off first?

Tech: Yes, that would be a very good idea.

User: How do I do that?

Tech: Do you have a Mac, Win 3.1 or Win 95?

User: Win 95

Tech: Then you click on the Start button, go to Shut down and click on OK.

User: Ok, hold on, let me turn the computer on and try that.

Get a call from this guy saying he can't save stuff to his floppy drive. Run him through all the usual checks, and find out that the disk isn't formatted (Okay, the guys new, I can forgive him). So we start to format the disk;

Me How it going?

Him It says 11 percent.

Me That's good....

Him What does it go up to?

I wanted to scream.

I work for the support of a very large ISP, and we get calls from new users to grizzled veterans. One day I got this call:

Tech: "Thank you for calling (ISP) tech support, my name is Chris, how can I..."

Member: (cutting me off) "You'd better not talk down to me, because I know EVERYTHING there is to know about DOS!" (Except she pronounced it DOHSE...)

A rather awkward customer (one who always rang and demanded that her problem be attended to immediately - someone had better come out on-site NOW (no on-site warranty)) rang to say that the Floppy drive on her machine was dead and we had better replace it NOW. It was nearly my lunch time so I gathered up the necessary bits and headed for the troublesome customer (luckily she wasn't too far away). When I got there I was told of the disgusting service we provided and of our poor equipment.

I checked her PC to find nothing wrong. I asked for a demonstration to reproduce the fault.

The client took out her software and inserted the CD ROM. Reading the instructions, she clicked on 'Start', 'Run' and typed in 'A:setup' which, of course produced an error message. I then explained that one should read the title of instructions before following them and that a shiney disc was a CD ROM and not a Floppy!

me:good morning, this is Jared, can I help you?

Cust:I hope so, I bought a computer there yesterday and

i cant even get a picture on the thing.

me:have u tried pushing the power button on the monitor.

cust:YES! the power light is on.

me:ok is the computer turned on.

cust:I JUST TOLD YOU THE POWER LIGHT IS ON!

me:i was asking about the computer this time not the monitor?

cust:huh?

me:the monitor is the screen u look at, and the computer is

the white tower. make sure they are both on.

cust:oh, (she was in amazement) ok the power light on the

tower is on. But I still dont see anything.

me:ok is the monitor plugged into the computer?

cust:what do u mean?

me:the monitor has a cable that must be plugged into the computer.

cust:no, i bought your top of the line model, they said I

get everything ready to go, all i have to do is plug it in.

me:you have to plug the accessaries in to the computer.

Obviously this is the case with the monitor since it came in a

seperate box, correct?

cust:well it came in two boxes, BUT THEY SAID IT WAS READY TO

USE ALL I HAD TO DO WAS PLUG IT IN.

me:well you do have to hook up the accessaries.

the customer got mad because the computer was not ready to use

out of the box and hung up on me.

I thought I was going to rip a lung from laughing so hard.

I recently sold an old computer to a man who claimed to be

an official trainer for the U.S. Government. His career, he

claimed, involved travelling around the country, installing

new systems, and training employees on system use.

He called me a day or so after the sale, and said the CD-ROM

wasn't reading CDs. (That's funny, it worked when he picked

it up...) I called him back, and he said that it played

audio CDs, but wasn't reading data CDs - he was trying to

install some program from a CD.

"Ok," I said, "How are you able to read audio, but not data

CDs? Try to open one up now, and tell me what kind of error

you get."

"Ok," he said. "Start Menu, Programs, Accessories,

Multimedia, CD Player, and... like I told you before,

nothing, nothing, nothing. But when I put an audio CD in,

the thing reads it just fine. [Inserts different CD-ROM.]

See there? I can play this audio CD. What gives?"

It makes my heart go pitter-patter to find out that the guys

who are in charge of government training are so competent.

Checking out a relatives computer.

User

Well every time I hang up the phone which is near my computer, the system reboots.

Analyst

Well can you show me?

User

(user shows analyst)

Analyst

(Analyst confused by this hits table and computer reboots)

User

I don't understand what is causing this?

Analyst

Where is the computer pluged in?

User

In the power bar.

Analyst

Where is the power bar.

User

Oh! to save space and to keep from kicking it I mounted it on the bottom side of the table.

Analyst

(looking under the table)

Here is your problem. The plug is not fully in the socket in the power bar.

For a while I worked for a national ISP doing phone-in tech support. one afternoon i received a call from a woman who was calling about a simple problem, but midway through the troubleshooting she asked me:

cust: "can you see me."

me: (lauging i said) "Well your a little out of focas."

I then heard the phone drop, then sounds of footsteps. 1 minute later she picked up the phone and appologized for not being dressed.

(i was now laughing so hard, that my cube mates were wondering what was going on, but wait it gets better)

then she starts making sniffing noises and asked:

"do you smell that??"

I said "what?"

and she screams "HONEY ARE YOU COOKING MARIJUANA?"

she then said to me..."you'll have to excuse us, we live way out in the country, and we ain't used to having people in our house (refering to me)."

at this point i needed to put her on hold because i was laughing in her face and she didn't understand what was wrong. she hung up once i put here on hold, i assume from embaressment. I will never forget that call

Thought I'd start putting my luser of the week here - the prize for looniest/stupidest call/email this week at my ISP - no names, no correspondance pleez!

3rd Place: "If I call your number from Spain, is it still a local call? If not, will you subsidise the bill?"

The answer: "Um, it will be once you get past the International Call tariff...no sir, we don't subsidise telephone bills"

2nd place: "I'm currently in Japan. If I close my account with you and use a Japanese ISP will I be able to get my emails in English or will I need a translation program?"

The answer: "You don't want to close your account with us."

And in 1st Place:

"Hello, I'd like to change my passport number for my International Mail"

"Um, that was a little unclear, I need more details"

"My passport number, whenever I read my International Mail, it's too difficult to remember."

"Um, ok, (dawning realisation) are you using a Mac or PC?"

Passport Number = password,

International Mail = MS Internet Mail & News for Mac

Sadly, all the above are true, though I wish they were made up.

Till next time,

"Bob"

Years ago when doing tech support for a DOS based software

product, one of our "special" (aka weekly) callers rang in

with the problem:

"I'm having a problem getting the mouse to work."

We had just introduced our new mouse option so mouse calls were frequent.

We went thru the normal routine of checking out all the various system settings, connections, and questions.

Everything checked out fine. She even tells me that her computer is "nice and clean". I didn't get the real

meaning of that until later.

Then she said, "Oh no.. there it goes again.." and I can hear her banging on something.

I ask what's going on. She tells me that the screen just turned red. Our normal background was blue.

I ask her if anything weird has happened to her computer. She tells me that the computer is fine, it's just our

software that is acting weird.

After about 5 more minutes of picking her brain, I hear

the sound of some sort of power tool in the background.

Being curious, I ask what's going on there and she (finally)

notifies me that they had a fire in their office. Further,

I find out that her computer is current covered with water

because of the combination sprinkler system and fire hose

spray. Not wanting to jinx this one, I refer her to a

consultant in her area and I told her that "no matter how

much her tells you otherwise, he specializes in fixing

wet computers."

A few weeks later, her partner calls in with another problem.

Our product had a computer-to-computer database merge

portion that worked over the printer ports. He's calling

in with a problem in this area. We keep going through the

steps of the merge and he's telling me the status of them

all. It always stops with "the other computer is not

responding".

After fending off his "the other computer is fine" tactic,

I convince him that problem is more than likely on the

computer that is not respoinding. I ask him to go to the

"dos prompt" and he tells me that he can't, because he can't

reach the computer right now. I ask him when he would

be able to reach the computer and he told me that it would

be only a few minutes... as soon as the tow truck arrives.

I think my response was simply "what was that?" He goes on

to tell me that a truck had just slammed through their wall

and stopped with the computer crushed underneith it.

I pointed him to the same consultant I pointed his parter

earlier that month... poor guy.

We support a large university network, as well as the local freenet.

One day one of my collegues got this call:

Tech: Help Desk, what can I do for you?

User: I signed up for your freenet so I could get email and now it's not letting me send!

Tech: Okay, let's connect you to accounts so they can see if you're valid..

User: I already #$@%!! spoke to accounts, yes it's active,

I sent in my release form weeks ago. Now get the @@#$!! thing working!

Tech: Calm down, sir, what error message are you getting?

User: [various explicatives detailing how the heck is he

supposed to know what an error message is]

There followed a detailed step-by-step instruction on every

aspect of sending mail in the freenet, and several attempts

to get the message sent, punctuated by irrate attacks by

the user, who now fervently believes we know nothing about

the complexities of sending email. Finally, exasperated, my

collegue asked:

Tech: All right, sir. I don't know what's wrong. Why don't

you give me the email adress and I'll try sending from my machine.

User: [big sigh at how stupid we tech support people are]

The address is: http://www.blah.com...

Our procedure at this point was quite clear:

Put phone on mute, share with the rest of the office,laugh until you cry,

try to maintain composure, and then explain to user what a web adress is.

A customer mentioned that he had spoken with another technician about getting a cdrom installed on his system, but his ide cable only had connectors on the ends and he needed one that had three. So he went to the store with his floppy cable (that had three connectors) and told the clerk he needed one like that for his hard drive. Since he put the cables back in, the hard drive and both floppy drive lights stay on constantly and his system won't boot up at all.

I suspected reversed cables but no matter what I had the customer do over the next 15 minutes the problems continued. Finally I overheard the customer mention he had to hit F1 to continue during one of our numerous bootups. I mentioned that usually means there's a problem with the system, and asked what the error message was. Customer just replied that he had never read the message that had been coming up since his house was hit by lightening two days before.

This gets a little better yet, he went on to say how lucky he was, the lightening came in through the bedroom, went down the hall and out the front door without hurting anything. I asked if his computer was plugged in when it happened, he said it was but turned off so he thought it was allright. I mentioned that anything on his electrical circuit could be affected by a lightening strike, off or on. He agreed and went on to say his stereo, microwave, garage door opener, and television had also quit working at the same time. He was still waiting for his brother to come over and check his fuses.

Good Afternoon Tech Support

Oh Hello, I think someone on the internet is in trouble and trying to reach me?

Sorry??!!!

Well ever since I signed up to the internet I get a message on my screen. It says "Mrs Smith" over and over again.

What program are you using when this happens???

It just appears every now and again, in big pink letters moving across my screen.

Does the message disappear when you move the mouse or hit a key?

YES!!! Do you know who's doing this?

Its a screensaver that's been setup to display your name. Do you want me to tell you how to turn it off?

NO!! Whoever set it up must be trying to get my attention. How can I find out who did it?

I work for a small consulting firm which does business

primarily within the manufacturing environment. While

performing an upgrade at a plant, the technician responsible

for the "care and feeding" of the system at that plant gave

me a call and said that someone near the end of one of the

assembly lines had a problem accessing the system. The tech

needed to follow up on some other issues but said he would

swing by that area, check it out, and let me know what the

problem was.

About an hour later, the tech came back to the computer lab

scratching his head but indicating that the problem had been

resolved. The system was up and running with no problems.

When I asked him what the problem was and how he resolved it,

he said he wasn't sure but here's what the operator told

him: "Oh, I fixed the problem. I just pulled the interface

up over the clock and went in through the back door."

Ummm, say what??? I would have totaly over-looked that

solution!

A user complained that their PC was making a beeping noise intermitantly. They could not figure out what it was but it kept happening. A onsite tech was sent out and found a pager in the desk drawer directly under the desk that the PC's CPU was on. When he was told of this, he replied "oh that's where my beeper went".

True Story

I work Customer Service for a major ISP, and though Im not actually a tech, I get alot of their calls anyway;;

Here are a couple of beauties I have gotten or overheard in the last three months:

Customer: I want to cancel my service!

(In his acocunt is a note saying we were the 4th ISP hed tried in 6 months)

Me: May I ask why, Sir?

Customer(very agitated): Theres this Mozilla guy stalking me!! Every time I sign up, there he is again!

(hit mute, die laughing)

Me: ok sir..this is whats going on...

Customer(calling receptionist): I want to speak to Damon in the mailroom!! He keeps on returning my mail to me!

(receptionist tries to explain that its a mail *program* called "daemon" but the customer refused to believe it..)

I got an *irate* CEO on my phone, demanding to know what I was going to do about the fact shed been paying a "consultant"

over $50 per hour to fix her computer and Internet connection? After listening to her tell me how bad our service was and

how much we were costing her, I asked her if I could speak to the consultant. This woman gets on the phone and:

Me: Ok, lady, what OS is this computer?

Consultant: I dont know...

GOOD GOD!

this was a highly paid *consultant*?! Hire me!@$@!

Customer: can you take my user ID out of your system so I can use it at AOL?

Me: *groan*

Customer: My password isnt working?!

Me: what error message?

Customer: No dial tone...

Customer:I cant dial in?!

Me: Whats in the box for your local access number?

Customer: Um..I typed in the words "local access number.."

(d'oh! instead of a phone number??) phone number??)

Hi there, my name is Craig I work at US Internet as a Tech Support person.

We work as tech support to help people get connected to the internet and help people get email

and all that.

So anyways I was handling this guy named Tony, who had problems getting his email.

We spent hours looking at every little nook and crany of his setup to see what's wrong.

At the last resort I asked him to look in preferences of netscape and see what his email address was.

And I told him what his email address was and he thought his email address was the same as his login name.

Nope not so.

Then as I am typing this in he calls me back and says I still can't get my email.

So I ask him has he dialed up to get connected and he says 'No, isn't that automatic?'.

So everytime he thought couldn't get email or there was a problem with our server it was really that he hadn't gotten connected yet.

p.s. I really love your web site guys...Are there any other tech support sites out there to laugh with?

I answered the phone to a genuine English gentleman. The customer explained to me that he had created a table and was having difficulty inserting data into the cells.

Bizzare I thought, the description he gave of the screen sounded quite in order.

I asked for him to explain how he had created the table, the customer then told me he had used the pencil from the tool bar!!! (god knows how long it took him and what he thought when I told him to delete it and insert a table.)

I'm not a tech, but this funny story happened to me two years ago, when I was 14. My friend, who was 12, had just signed on to America Online for the first time (this will be important later). Of course, he and his parents were nervous, for his mother knew absolutely nothing about computers. I go on with him, and we search around, and I print something out off the Internet. I take it home with me while her mother was "questioning" us about what we did online and all this other stuff.

Now, when I got home, my mother got a phone call. It was my friend's mother. She asked me what it is we had done, and I said that I had gone on and gotten some cheat codes for a video game and printed them out (which was absolutely true). She was asking, "And?" and I kept repeating myself, saying the same thing over and over while my friend yelled in the background, "Sorry Joe, I couldn't control my mother!" For ten minutes I kept on repeating myself and telling her that we had done nothing "bad" or "illegal" or something that we'd be charged for.

I finally get finished with her, and I was visibly disturbed by this woman. She didn't know the first damn thing about computers, and she's calling me like I did something illegal or bad or saw something evil or something! The disk said "50 Free Hours"! What part of "Free" doesn't she understand? My mother called her back and got the whole thing resolved, reassuring the woman that I had done _nothing_ wrong and that nothing we had done would cost them any money. We later laughed at this woman's incompetence, and I continued to go online at my own house with my real ISP, and not the fake America Online. Some people are _so_ paranoid :-)

I work as a tech rep for an unnamed online service that has inexcess of 12 million members. Members come in varing degrees of computer expertise. Some barely knowing how to turn on a computer. A woman called and said everytime she trys to go to a Web Site all the browser brings up is a blank screen. I decided that the temporary Internet files had probably corrupted her browser and as soon as we deleted them she would be back on the Web. Normally it is a easy procedure. Click on start and go to programs. Choose "MS-DOS Prompt" and type in exactly what I say. I instructed her to type "DELTREE \WINDOWS\HISTORY" and press enter and tell me what it said. She responded that it just kept returning to a "C-Prompt". We tried it again and I very carefully ensured that I phoneticaly spelled out each letter to ensure that she would do it right. After five minutes of getting the same mistake She insisted that she was typing ever exactly as I spelled it. "DELTREE SPACE BACKSLASH WINDOWS BACKSLASH HISTORY.

I've been knocking around in tech support and sales of hi end music software and hardware for a few years. While I was working in Sydney, Australia, at a fairly high profile music shop a friend of mine did a major upgrade to his recording studio through me. Now this guy has used recording gear from the time of the analog 8-tracks, but computers scared the bejeesus out of him. Nevertheless, being an intelligent guy, and dedicated muso, he listened carefully and made notes whenever I told him something he didn't know. A dream client really. The sad thing was, his gear just never, ever, worked for him. I mean, he had the normal sort of hardware and software problems that every teething newbee does when they get new kit, but every time something went wrong, the poor guy'd just get more paranoid and scared of his gear. Now bear in mind, that I watched him for hours, making sure that he knew his stuff before I let him do anything important, so I KNEW he wasn't doing anything wrong procedurally, he had multiple safety power switches to protect his gear, and was absolutely fanatical about shutdown and startup procedure. But in the first six months of owning his gear he had:

Destroyed 2 4 gig SCSI external Hard drives. They just ground to a halt, never to start again

His 17 trinitron montior caught fire

His CPU card became unseated ( he NEVER ever moved his gear!)

Both tweeters on his speakers blew

His $14000 synthesis suffered a total mainboard failure, which also took out the sampling option and all his sound ROMS, and his SCSI bus

All in all, he destroyed, totally unintentionally, and inexplicably, around $30000 worth of hardware, all replaced under warranty. I swear, this guy's fear generated an electrostatic charge which mutilated gear.

Bizzarely enough, he's never had a problem with ANY of the new gear, all on the same power and location as his old gear. Oh well, at least I got to buy the repaired Synth for $3000, with a year's warranty. *G*

I had someone call me one day ( a friend ) they were in a panic..

Friend: "I Just got (Old popular Text game) ..its an awesome game..but when

I finally got to a certain point...I accidentally spilled Soda

On it (cringe-this was when Games were on 5 1/4" floppies)

Me: You did WHAT? Oh no...thats horrible...

Friend: What do you think I should do..there were three disks

that are soaking and have Soda all over them....

Me: (Thinking the worse) Well...it sounds pretty messed up...

how do they look?

Friend: Well they looked stained...

Me:(thinking of no other way) well...maybe try to run water on

them to remove the sugar and to clean the surface...then set them

straight up to dry (they were totally warped and useless...

but I had to say something) Just let them dry and see what

happens

Friend:..uh...ok...

Well about 2 weeks went by and I almost forgot about that horrible

incident when I get another call..

Friend: Hey you! Whats up?

Me: I am ok...what is going on?

Friend: Guess what happened with those disks that I almost ruined

Me: (noting the word almost) What happened?

Friend: IT WORKS!! I did exactly what you said..washed them

with water...and let them dry on a hard wood shelf...then I just tried

to run them...and they are fine!! Thanks

Me: No problem..thanks :) take care

Friend: Thanks again (click)

TO this day I am shocked and surprised that it actually worked

when I looked at how damaged they were...go figure :)

While working in the customer support center for a major telecommunication company I

Got the following call:

Cust: My email won't go.

Me: What does that mean?

C: It just won't go. I push the button that says get mail and

it just sits there.

M: Well do you have a modem or a direct connection?

C: What's a modem?

M: Look around, do you see a little black box with a bunch of lights on the front

anywhere around you?

C: no, wait yes here's one!

M: O.K., is the modem plugged into the computer?

C: what? Yes I think so.

M: Does the modem have a phone cord running from it to the

Jack in the wall?

C: What's a phone cord?

M: Turn your phone over, now see that long grey flat thing?

that's a phone cord.

C: Oh, no it doesn't.

M: Well, there's your problem.

I work at a major computer and electronics retailer, and even though my job description says 'sales', quite often I have to do a bit of tech support, too.

I live in a relatively unsophisticated part of the country, and my customer base is mostly 'country' folk. They have their own way of saying, doing, and, apparently hearing things, because I've had some unusual requests for things...

Cust: "Ah need some Rams fer my computer..."

Me (mentally) Y' want some ewes with that too, buddy?

Cust: "Y'all got any immodiums (modems) around here?"

Me (mentally) Don't you think you ought to go to Walgreen's for that sort of problem?

Cust: "Got any Printer cartileges?"

Me ...sigh...

Cust trying his best to be Mister Know-it-all: "Say, girl, y'all got any of them there 100 megabyte Pentenium 486's?"

And..."Ah want one of them Hewlett-Packard-Bells."

Hey- if I didn't laugh, I think I'd go nuts. Thanks for a terriffic site!

One customer rang me after spending 3 hours (literally) on the telephone to her ISP troubleshooting the dial up connection.

It took about 10mins to work out the modem line was plugged into the phone handset socket and not the phone line socket!

I own a computer company. I build, service support, & upgrade systems for my clients. 6 months ago I upgraded a clients 386, to a IBM 6X86L PR166+ Pentium. Thursday of this week, I come home late to find a note that reads, "Mr. XXXXXX added a second hard drive to his system and when he turned it on, it started smoking. He says he needs a new cable." Now, I'm confused, and want to see this. I myself have put the cable , accidently, on the wrong pins and never saw smoke.

The next morning, I go to Mr. XXXXXX's, cables in hand, and am very surprised. His 1st hard drive and CD-ROM Drive are connected to the Primary IDE Controller. No Problem. The second hard drive did not come with a IDE Cable, so he had disconnected the Floppy Cable and hooked it up to the second hard drive. He actually thought this was pretty funny, until it was found that the floppy no longer worked, and that he had burned up his floppy controller on the mainboard. When he heard the price, all he could do then is walk around saying, "I messed up, $XXX.XX". I didn't have the heart to laugh. Then that is. Luckily he didn't mess up the new hard drive, it works fine.

On the weekend the coll volume goes down. I recieved a phone call from a lady that said that she was concerned by the Illegal operation message she recieved. She was concerned that she broke some law. She said that she had call the operator in fear and that the operator gave her our number. After calming her down I explained (or tried to) explain what she had done.

During the slow part of the year we get all the wierd calls into the call center. One day I got an elderly woman that told me "I recieved your record in the mail and would like to get on the internet", giggleing to myself I told her to insert the "record" into the computer... She then told me she couldn't because the computer only took "Hard Disks". Kinda puzzled I theorized that she didn't have a cd rom and asked if she had a floppy drive. She said "No... I only have a hard drive. " Rolling my eyes I transfered her to presales so that they could send her the "Hard Drives".

I guess this counts :)

I was browsing in the around in my local Dick Smith store

(simillar to Radio Shack) when one of the staff came out from

the back holding a box. "Is this a sixteen bit sound card?"

the staff member asked another staff member.

Now this wouldn't have been so bad but the box had stamped

all over it "33.6 Modem" in colourful BIG letters, even an

the most computer ilterate person would have known what it was.

I left the store chuckling to myself, thinking

that these people sell and support computers...sheessh :)

I got a call from a supervisor. "My computer is not working nothing moves. The keys don't work. The mouse doesn't work. What do I do?" I said you will have to reboot the computer. The supervisor said ok. I waited. The supervisor then said nothing happened. Everything was the same. Still frozen. I thought about this imposible situation then told the supervisor to turn off and on the computer not the monitor.

I used to do tech support for a well known company that provides internet service through the TV. I absolutely swear that I'm not making this up!

Me: Hi thank you for calling ***Tv, this is Sharon, how may I help you?

Cust: Yeah, my ***TV unit is broken and I need to know where to send it back.

Me: (trying to determine if I could troubleshoot the unit myself or if I should tell her to contact the manufacturer) What exactly is the problem with it?

Cust: (sigh) It's a long story. Okay, I was in a chat room and this man told me to go to a web site and download some software (can't download software onto a ***TV, there's no hard drive). So I went to a search engine and typed in the name of the software. While it was searching, I "just got a bad feeling about it. I mean it didn't feel right". So I took a hammer and smashed the ***TV unit to pieces. All that's left is the circuit board and I need to know where to send it back.

Me: (trying to speak with my jaw on the floor) Uh, Ma'am, you will need to contact the manufacturer, they will be able to give you some help with that.

I swear that's the only tech tale I know about where someone thought that their electronic equipment was possessed! I still wonder if she was seriously seeking some kind of free replacement or refund.

I'm not a tech, but a lot of people think I am. I work for an outsourcing company that handles sales and customer service calls for a number of computer companies. Needless to say, we get a lot of calls that could make this list, but here are two of my all time favorites:

Me: Thank you for calling *** this is Stacey speaking. How can I help you?

Customer: (deep southern accent) Yeah, I just bought a 'puter for my baby at the Salvation Army. Can you tell me what's in it?

It took me quite a while to explain to her that I had no way of possibly knowing what was inside her computer, let alone telling her how to use it. (my first thought however was to tell her to go to a DOS prompt and type format c:\ and then tell her there was nothing on her machine.

My other favorite was taken by my supervisor because a caller was irate when he was told the cable he wanted was backordered and he needed it immediately because, "I'm an IT professional, and i can't run (whatever part) until I get your cable"

This particular customer had purchased software from us before and knew that when he made a software purchase he could get it immediately by downloading it from our ftp site.

He showed just how much of an IT professional he was when he asked with all seriousness, "Can I download that cable from your web site?"

You really do get scared after a while don't you?

Me: Hello and thanks for calling Technical Support, may I

have you first name?

Cust: Uh...just a second please.

Me: Ok...

(I'm on a speakerphone, and I can hear him moving around the phone

searching for something...)

Cust: (To Person in the Room): How do you take it off the

speakerphone?

Person in Room: Oh, just hit "Release", like this...

Click.

I do tech support for an ISP in Oregon and I got a call that

went a little somthing like this.

Tech: Thank you for calling XXXXXXXXXX how can I help you

today?

Custy: (In strong French accent) I cannot login

Tech: Okay whats the error message?

Custy: I hear the operator tell me the number has been

disconnected or is no longer in service.

Tech: Okay lets check your dialer

I check the number and he has some sort of funky prefix

like 33 in front of the number.

Tech: Okay sir lets check your dialer properties where it

says are code what do you have?

Custy: I have 212 for the area code and 33 for the country

code.

Tech: Sir what country is listed in country code?

Custy: FRANCE of course!

Had a customer call up and after getting his software on CD and not floppies which he was used to, he asked how to use it. I told him to put it in his CD ROM drive and it will autoinstall. Where is my CD ROM drive. You will see a disk like drive with maybe a 6x or 8 x on it. This was a time when these were the fastest drives. He told me the only thing that looked like that was the coffee holder that come with his machine.

What coffee holder?

The ones that pops out when I push the button for it to pop out.

We both laughed and then ofcourse the big sigh after I hung up the phone.

I just wanted to express my grief with thse guys out there that will call s tech people and ask for help and then all you will hear on the other end of the phone is click click click.

I had one of theses guys not getting sound from his AWE 64 card in a MIDI program. After several setup and telling him to make sure it is all hooked up right it would still not work. I asked him just to humor me and and swotch the cables around and all of the sudden his stuff started working.

This is just a note to users out there.

LISTEM TO US WE DO KNOW WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT WE DO THIS EVERYDAY, AND YOUR PROBLEM HAS BEEN COIVERED 100 TIMES ALREADY. So stop clicking that mouse and take time to listen to listen to us.

Not really a story but something that makes us scream.

C= Customer

T- Tech Support

This is an acual transcription

T Ring, hello xxxx tech support can I help you.

C Hello, I cant not seem to load your xxx program. The disks are no good. I have tried all of them and they simply will not laod.

T The first disk went in fine?

C Oh, yes it was fine till the second one.

T Then what happened?

C Well the second disk would not load so I tried the third but it would not go into the drive.

T What do you mean it will not go into the drive, is it dammaged.

C Well no the other two are in the way.

T I am not sure I follow here, what do you mean "in the way"

C Well the first one went in fine the second was a little tight, but there is not way to put the third one in.

T Are you saying that you have put or tried to put all 3 into the drive at the same time?

C Yes, isn't that the right way to do it, one after another?

T Well yes, but it would help if you took the other ones out first. My only questions is how you got the second disk it.

C Well it was a little tight but it fit.

All you guys in tech out there can pretty well figure out the rest of the conversation after putting the customer on hold for a minit to laugh and do the I don't beleive this scream.

Working tech support for a MIDI company for several years I have had some funny ones.

I had a customer call up one day and told me he could not enter the notation or chords into his program. His keyboard was not working.

I went through the enitre MIDI setup and all was well.

This guy had several pieces of great equiptment hooked to his 8-Port interface. I asked about the rest of his machine and was compleatly stumped. I usually run about 99% on the correct replies and was getting a little pissed at myself that I could not figure it out. Asking when he got the machine and who set it up, I was told three days ago and me.

We went through the whole set up of putting together his machine and found out that the MAC's have two ports in the keyboard to plug into the machine. Well I knew that but had mine hooked up right. After an half hour I have found that he connected his keyboard in the right out port and then wrappoed the cable around the machine and hooked it into the other side of the keyboard thus making a compleat loop and no keyboard or mouse input.

Half hour to find out that the customer put his machine together wrong.

So you tech guys watch how they even put the machine together if they do it them selves. You will get some strange setups.

While I was studying for my HND in Computer Studies, I worked in an office in a hospital. The PCs that we had in the office could be dexcribed as a bit on the old side (one machine was about ten years old). So, the manager of the office decided to upgrade the machines, and called a meeting of the staff (of about 6 medical professionals and myself).

Being the most computer literate of the staff I started suggesting what we would need for the computers, basic stuff like copies of MS Office, etc, etc. When one of the senior members of staff says that we will have to buy transparent mice.

I enquire why we would need transparent mice, and she replies (without a word of a lie), 'so that I can see what I am pointing at on the screen with it.'

This highly trained medical professional who had an MSC in pharmacology was moving her mouse across the screen of her monitor!

Well thats education for you!

I'm working as a Local IT supporter, and I've got the following thing to tell you...

This is a real situation that happened at a WordPerfect support desk.

Supp: Ridge Hall, supportassistant. What can I do for you?

Cust: Hello... I have a problem with WordPerfect.

Supp: What kind of problem?

Cust: Well... I was sitting here and typing, when suddenly

everything disappeared.

Supp: Disappeared?

Cust: Yes, it all disappeard.

Supp: Hmm, well, what do you see on your screen now?

Cust: It's empty.

Supp: Empty?

Cust: It's nothing on it and it doesn't want to show what

I type.

Supp: Are you still in WordPerfect or did you enter DOS?

Cust: How do I know if I have?

Supp: Can you see the DOSprompt?

Cust: What is that?

Supp: Forget it. Can you see the mousepointer on the screen?

Cust: Nej, there is no mousepointer. As I told you, it doesn't

want to show me anything that I type.

Supp: Does your monitor have a little statuslamp that shows

that the monitor is turned on?

Cust: What is a monitor?

Supp: It's the thing with a screen and that looks like a TV.

Do you see a little lamp or diod glowing, this should

tell you that the monitor is turned on?

Cust: I don't know.

Supp: Ok, check the back of the monitor och see if you can

locate the powersupply. Can you see it?

Cust: Yes, I think so.

Supp: Good. Follow that cable and see if it is jacked into

the wall. Does it?

Cust: Yes is does.

Supp: Good. While you were behind the monitor, did you see

if there was two cables stuck into the monitor or just

one?

Cust: Ne, I didn't check it.

Supp: Check it, there is supposed to be two cables there.

Cust: It is two cables yes.

Supp: Ok, follow the second cable and tell me if it is

connected into the computer.

Cust: I can't reach it.

Supp: Eh, hmm, can you see if it is connected though?

Cust: No.

Supp: Not even if you put your knee on the table and lean

over to see?

Cust: No, becuase... I can't see because it's dark.

Supp: Dark?

Cust: Yes, the lights are off and the only light I've got

is the street light from the window.

Supp: I see, but can't you turn on the light?

Cust: No, I can't.

Supp: No? Why not?

Cust: Because the power has gone.

Supp: Has the pow... Has the power gone?

Aah, Ok, I think we've found the problem now.

Do you still have the boxes left that your computer

was delivered in?

Cust: Eh, yes... I've got them in my closet.

Supp: Good. Go get them. Pack down you computer with the

monitor and everything that came with it when you

bought it. Then take the boxes to the store where

you bought it.

Cust: Oh? Is it that bad?

Supp: Yes, I'm afraid it is.

Cust: Well... ok. What should I tell them?

Supp: Tell them that you are too stupid to own a computer!

I love this one... isn't it a nightmare!!

I work the call center for a large financial institution,

supporting three states -- though when a server goes down,

it can feel like we're supporting the whole world.

Well, as happens, a server went down in our coverage area.

We paged the onsite team when the first report of trouble

came in, and after that, it was just explain to the users

that the server was temporarily down and that it should be

up Real Soon Now. Most times, the user would just thank us

for confirming that the server was down, and that would be

that.

Not this guy.

Me: Distributed Computing, can I help you?

User: Yeah, I can't log in.

Me: (checking that he's where I thought he was) Sir, I

show that server is down.

User: I don't care where it is, I just want to log in!

Needless to say, I took a three-minute laugh break after

explaining to him what 'down' means ... :)

Let me first be perfectly clear: my dad, under normal

circumstances, is actually quite PC literate. However,

there are those mistakes *anyone* can make ...

I was visiting my family, and among the things on my to-do

list while in town was to take a look at my grandpa's

system -- the modem and the sound card weren't working.

The modem was easy. Turned out to be fried, so we replaced

it with a spare Dad had. It configured like a dream,

Grandma and Grandpa were back on the 'Net, and all there

was much rejoicing. :)

Now the sound card. Standard SB clone, 16-bit, generally a

no-brainer to handle. First I removed, then reinstalled the

drivers. No dice. Checked for IRQ conflicts. None.

Checked that the speakers were plugged into the right jack.

They were.

Finally, I reached around back of the PC ... and sound came

forth. Dad poked his head in to the room, saw where my

hand was, and said, "Aw, tell me I didn't ... "

I nodded. "Volume was all the way down."

Upon arriving at home, Mom asked how the repair job went.

"No problem," I said. "Just replaced the modem and got the

sound card working."

"Oh? What was wrong with the sound?"

I grinned at Dad and said with a straight face, "Hardware

setting." :)

Checked that there

My grandmother had decided that she would join the technological age by getting her own

computer. Me being my families resident computer geek I went to her house to help.

She was very excited because she had set up her computer on her own. I was quite impressed,

and also eager to see the new computer desk which she had just purchased. Reaching her

computer room I inquired as to where the main portion of her desktop model computer was.

She proceded to opem the portion of the desk designed for a tower and show me the computer

up on it's side. When I inquired why she had set it up this way she said "That's what the

computer looked like in the picture." After rolling with laughter I explained that the

picture on the box that the desk came in was a different type of computer.

I had someone call me and say they were having trouble running a particular program.

I asked if they were on the network. They couldn't tell me. So I asked them to go

ahead and click on Start, then Run.

There next question was sort of a suprise. "Why should I run, what is the computer going

to do?

Well, I'm working in a big company in Sweden where we all our PC's were connected in a big LAN-network. Since it didn't go so well for the local support center we decided to rent in an external support supplyer from IBM that could maybe handle the buissines better. So said and done. They came and took charge and I thought every thing was for the better since the back logg dropped. I resently found out why. They have had a number of HD-crashes and the fault reports where lost. One day I had a problem of my own on the computer. The network were sending out a lot of broadcast messages about "System is going down...", "network server xxxnnn:blablabla is restarting" and so on, that I found disturbing on my work. So I called the help desk and told them about it and asked them if they could help me to get rid of the broadcast messages.

The person in the help desk waited at least 5 seconds before she answered me with a question.

-Are you sure they come on the screen?

-Where else do you think I would get them? I replyed. In the paper basket?

After further more 5 seconds she said.

-How could I know where you get your messages.

I decided to end the conversation there and disconnect the network for the moment.

Thank you for calling (Gateway2000) tech support, how can I help you today?

My keyboard still doesn't work...the last tech told me to clean my keyboard because there was a stuck key. I cleaned it and now none of the keys will work!!!

Ma'am, what kind of keyboard cleaner did you use?

Keyboard cleaner? They make that stuff?

Yes, ma'am, they do. How exactly did you clean this keyboard?

Well, I put it in the dishwasher and then let it dry for a couple of hours. Hooked it back up, and it still doesn't work!!

Well, ma'am, let me give you add-on sales' number. They will be able to assist you in purchasing a new keyboard.

One of our techs was trying to explain to a customer what file she needed him to locate. To make it easier, she spelled it out for him - C(harles)-T(om)-R(obert)-L(arry).dll. He can't find it and gets frustrated.

She asks if they have a network admin who can call her back. The (supposed) admin calls back ranting at her. "Why do you people name your files like this - CharlesTomRobert.dll?"

She patiently explains she was actually looking for ctrl.dll.

This call was taken by one of my coworkers but I have to tell it, it's so funny.

-Hello tech support

-Yes, I'm installed win95 on my computer and I can't get your software to work.

-Well, what seems to be the problem, well it won't read the disk and I just don't know what else to do .....

-Okay, let me walk you thru it. Let's go to the my computer icon on your desktop.

-I don't have anything on my desktop.

-What do you mean, where are all of your icons.

-I keep them in the recycle bin. I take one out when I need it and put it back up when I'm thru. Isn't that how it works?

-Um, no ma'am, if they're all in the recycle bin, you have thrown them away, they're supposed to stay on your desktop.

- Oh, well that's okay, because actually, I had to throw them away eventually anyway, because those were my macintosh icons, but now that I installed win95 on here, I won't need them anymore anyway.......

I work for an ISP and one call I got yesterday, I really thought was a "test call", because nobody can be that dense.

me: thank you for calling *****, what can I help you with today?

cust: um, yes I just got your software and I can't connect.

me: okay sir, what message do you get when you try?

cust: well, I just bought this computer (packard bell), it has a 233 mhz modem and they said that everthing was on here and ready to go, all I have to do is turn it on and click and I'll be on the net!

me: alright, how do you connect to the internet? what operating sys. do you use?

cust: um, yes I use Word "97.

me: that's not an op sys. sir, do you have win 95?

cust: no, I have Microsoft Word '97, and once I open it up, I'm clicking on the start button to start surfin' the net but it's not working.....

My story is about the difference between experience & computerized troubleshooters.

I work as an assistant network administrator for a top ten college as well as owning my own side business building & repairing computers for clients, so I know just a few things about computers & hardware.

I was over at a friends house helping him out with something or other when I noticed his computer was stuck on the BIOS screen and that it had found the keyboard & mouse but had stopped there. I called out to my friend as I started to work on his system. I also yelled at him for buying a Packard Bell

without consulting me first. After rebooting and watching the floppy drive for a light, I noticed a severe lack of activity anywhere & all I heard was a little beep every 30 seconds or so. So I bounced into BIOS and looked at the IDE chains. BIOS had found the CD-ROM, but no hard drive was installed & autodetect was on. I asked my friend how big was the drive & he wasn't sure.

So I asked for the books, of course Packard Bell does not give these out, so I could not set the hard drive up manually. I shut it off and told my friend to call the store and utilize his warranty since I did not want to void it by opening the case. He wrote down what I told him about the problem.

The next day his wife called the store (a major department store across the country) and she told the tech support guy that she wanted the repair techs out there because the hard drive was bad, the tech support said she was wrong, it wasn't the hard drive. She said I had looked at it & told her what was wrong. The tech support weinie told her I did not know what I was talking about

& proceeded to have her dig out all of her master disks & CD's in a vain attempt to reload the OS (please note that the computer was not even doing a floppy seek). So she did everything she was told & nothing worked. This went on for 45 minutes when finally the tech support guy entered all of the data he had recieved into his troubleshooter and guess what it told him was wrong.

You got it, the hard drive was bad. I had that one in two minutes & would have had it in 5 minutes over the phone because I would have and asked the right questions. My friends wife told me that after that he got all huffy and said that he needed to order some parts and they'll call to make an appointment.

There is just no substitute for experience.

This is tech support.

We were told to rotate our boot floppies but now the system

won't come online

Which floppy did you put in ?

I put in the same one.

I thought you said you were switching floppies.

No....is that what they mean ?

Yes, that's what they mean when they say "rotate".

I probably messed up, I flipped the floppy over, turned it

around and put it back in.

Yes, that will not work.

While advising a user to: Press any key to bring back her system screen and turn off the screen saver the user was quiet and finally said:

I don't see my "ANY" key.

This call came in to our support area and was relayed to the other support personel. The conversation went something like this...

Tech: Network Support, how can I help you?

User: I just talked to my manager about getting a new keyboard. He says you provide those, is that correct?

Tech: Thats correct, what do you need.

User: Well he says that you can get me a left-handed keyboard. How soon can you send one up?

Tech: Ummm.. let me get back to you on that. (attempting to get off the phone as quickly as possible before falling off his chair in hysterics)

Needless to say we had to disappoint the user with the bad news that such a keyboard does not exist. It became our joke of the week.

I am a tech in a computer store that also handles TV and VCR repairs. One day, we received a frantic phone call from a man who demanded immediate service on his VCR. I informed him that the employee who handles the TV and VCR repairs was not in on that day, so it would be impossible for him to have immediate service on his VCR. He began to yell angrily, and cliamed that his pet parakeet had flown into the VCR and died inside, leaving a bloody mess and a bird carcass lodged in the tape slot of his VCR. He then explained that without the VCR functional, he would miss all of his shows, and began to list the shows he wanted to watch. Restraining my laughter, I again informed him that it would be impossible for the VCR to be serviced that day. He then became enraged and demanded to speak with the store manager. The owner of the store was busy at the moment, so he demanded to be called back, and left his phone number. We tried to call him back several times throughout the day, but there was a busy signal each time..

We never found out what happened after the call.

I was just quitly sitting behind my monitor think all is right with the world when suddenly one of my friends flags me for help.. (actaully more like for a good laugh..)

Well to make this story shorter I went back to my lovely cubicle after telling my friend to transfer the call to me and I answered the phone "thank you for callng America Online , my name is aaron how may I help you?" . She quickly replied. "yes, I have just paid to have my website put up and I was wondering if you could check it out?"

I would just like to point this out to save other techs future tormiol , We are not allowed to veiw websites..

But seeing how I was o break in 3 minutes I said what the heck. I asked her for her URL & off I went.. Now when I first got there her AOL screen name & password where In huge letters... Along with her aol billing info.. We're talking credit card #'s & the works.. Now seeing this I quickly notified her thinking the web design person had been cruel & done this as a joke.. boy was I msitaken...

She said oh now I put that there so you could log on under my screen name & see my site completly.. I tried explaining for the next 20 minutes that they didn't need that info to no prevail. Her arguement was that if aol billing was to ask for her info then they could give it to them.. Apperantly she had also been phished alot.. Well to end the Long story she cussed me out & didn't listen. she even called back later & cussed out my manager for his & my (her opinon)stupidity.

All I can say about this ois sometimes it's better to let people learn for themselves.. And as a side note I would like to know who was the stupid one? me for trying to help her or her for putting the info.. Sometimes I wonder..

Aaron Ecker

Ex-Aol employee..

Years ago I worked in the computer sservice of an large company with about 90 sites nationwide. our standard service agreement was to arive on-site within 4 hours after getting off of the phone with a down suer, and travel in our department was the norm. One day I had to fly to Tulsa, Ok for a few hours to take care of a problem. When I returned, my boss asked me if I had all of the spare parts we usually carried, and I told him I did, not having to use any in Tulsa. He then told me to head to the airport and head to St Louis.. When I asked if he waanted me to call that plant and try to trouble shoot the problem, he was a bit indignant, told me he had already done so, and to get going. Well, the systems we worked on were ancient, diskette based systems, and a few hours later I arrived in St Louis, drove from the airport to the plant, walked in, closed the disk drive doors and rebooted. that took care of the problem, these systems didnt have hard drives, only floppys, and they dont boot to well with the drive doors open. I wasnt about to tell my boss the real problem ( I figured he would have wanted my hide) so I made up some cockin-bull story about loose cables causing the problem. But now, being 15 years later, I would like to say to my boss, Frank, you chump, Iif you would have let me call the site first, I probably would have saved the Co. around $1000.00 on that call

me:- hi, tech suport

client - Its working ok now, never mind

(puts phone down)!!

Client

My printers not printing.

Helpdesk

Ok, Could you print something out, and tell me what the error message is

I cant, Its gone away now

No problem, just print one of your documents out as normal

no, no, its not working - could you come over?

well, hang on a sec, could I have a word with (site it guy)

Site it:-

yeah, Ive been looking at this, and cant seem to see a problem - could you come over?

erm....just before i do, are all of the cables plugged in the back?

pause.........well, one of the printer cables goes into the plug, the other one is sort of hanging off...

'ang on, could you plug it on and do a test page?

oh! - working fine now - thanks!!

(Doh!!)

Every so often, we have a job of the week - Mine was Get the 3.5 inch disk out of that cd rom drive.......

I do tech support for a major ISP, and we get calls to

configure many different types of systems, including WebTV.

Here's a call from a WebTV user:

Me: Thank you for calling Tech Support, my name is -----

Customer: Hi, I just signed up for an account, and I need

to set everything up. I have WebTV.

Me: Okay, no problem. I need you to go to the WebTV

homepage and select "setup".

Customer: (pauses) Wait, you mean I have to have the TV on

in order to use it?

(laughing)

This is something I heard on a radiostation in Norway.

They were having a contest where people could call in an win different prizes.

This day they were going to have questions about computers, so they asked people who were

"Experts" to call in. One guy called in, and here is the conversation that followed:

"Radio man": "Hello, do we have a computer expert on the line here?"

"Computer expert": "Well, yes, I believe I know pretty much"

"Radio man": "We will start with a really simple question to warm up with;

what is the name of the company founded by Bill Gates?"

"Computer expert": "Eeeeehh... I know! WINDOWS!!!"

"Radio man": "Well, that's the name of the operationg system they make,

but I ask what the name of the company is."

"Computer expert": "Eeeeehh... Do you have any clues?"

"Radio man": "I can say it starts with a "M". Mmmmmm....?"

"Computer expert": "Macintosh!!!"

I sure don't hope Bill Gates was listening to this program...

I took an escalated call a while ago, and it went like this. .

Me)Thank you for calling ____, my name is David how may I help you?

Customer (in an angry voice)) Yeah, I'd like to speak to your manager.

Me) May I ask what this is regarding, so I can direct you to the correct dept.?

Customer)It's about your #$^@#$% service! I clicked on the "Help" buttom THREE DAYS ago, and

NOBODY'S called me back yet!!!

I'm just glad my phone has a good mute button, because I was laughing pretty dang hard.

We had an old computer system that had the terminal down

stairs and the cpu/guts in the computer room. It was a highly

specialized computer system and went down fairly often.

No sweat: press the stop, reset, start switches on the front

panel and it was back up and running.

One of the terminal users calls up and says the terminal died,

could they get a restart. So one of the operators presses the

stop, reset and start buttons. Talks with the user and asks if

it is working ok. About this time the operator hits the stop button.

The users says..."Hummmm, it just stopped again".

The operator starts asking more tech questions,

"Check the keyboard, mouse, cables, etc." and presses

the continue button. The user says "Oh its working again.".

This goes on for about 10-15 minutes. The user actually

started counting with the operator 1-2-3 (operator presses stop).

User, "There is goes again, it stopped."

Operator waits for a couple of secs and presses continue button.

User, "Oh its running again.".

We were laughing so hard I almost fell on the floor. The user was a good friend

and didn't mine that much.

A buddy of mine works for McDonnell Douglas. Which is known

for screwing up purchase orders, invoices, you name it when

it comes to computer equipment. He ordered a K-series HP

unix server with the following hardware :

1-dds tape drive

1-6 tape dds tape autoloader

1-cdrom

12-4gigabyte hard drives

What he got:

1-dds tape drive

1-6 tape dds tape autoloader

1-cdrom

12-4gigabyte TAPE DRIVES

Yup no disk drives, but it could handle 19 tapes!!!!

It took more than 3 months to get the order/invoices squared

up and the 12 tape drives exchanged for 12 disks.

A few moments ago I had what I'd call the most amusing tech

happening I've bourne witness to -- at least this month. It's

not even about 'user error' either. Two people were sitting at

a computer in the office, puzzled... they mentioned to me that

it had locked up, and lo and behold the Win 95 ctrl-alt-del quickie

fix didn't work. The machine had MS Word open, with a document

that hadn't been saved -- but was very important (i.e. meant money).

The users weren't doing anything out of the ordinary either, so that

left me to ponder. Could I find a way out of this apparent crash of

doom?

As I sat there, it dawned on me "Hey, the hard drive light is lit--and

it's been lit the whole time." So... I had three choices. Shut it off and

let them live with it, wait for it to readjust itself, or come up with

some other means to revitalize it. I chose #3.

I put a hand on either side of the machine, with the location of where

the drive is in the middle. Then I gave it a slight 'whap.' Presto,

a blue screen came up saying the machine was busy, I hit enter, and all

was well. Who says computers aren't '58 Buicks?

User calls and says that she was unable to start her PC. The helpdesk was unable to "fix"

the problem and dispatched second-level support to help her... Turns out her monitor

wasn't turned on... Not too funny until you realize that this person was the VP of

Information Systems...

Different user this time sends out an e-mail message to the 800 or so people in the

office to say that the color photocopier/printer will be unavailable until after

13:00 since it is being moved. At 10:30 she is calling the helpdesk and asking why

the printer is not printing...

Makes you wonder

ME: Hello. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Yes, I hope so. I have too many files and I need to delete some but don't know how.

ME: Miss, what do you mean you have too many files?

CUSTOMER: I don't have anymore room on my PC...I have too many files here.

ME: (knowing this is a PC only 2 months old) Okay. Miss, can you tell me what you are looking at that indicates you have too many files?

CUSTOMER: I have this box open and it is filled-up.

ME: Miss, do you have a window open?

CUSTOMER: Yes and it can't hold anymore files. It is all filled-up.

ME: What does the title bar of the window say?

CUSTOMER: It is an AOL window and it can't hold anymore of my files. How do I delete some?

ME: Miss, if you will, please click once on the middle button in the upper-right hand corner of that wiindow...it looks like a square...it is in between the minus sign and the X sign.

CUSTOMER: Ohhh....look how big this window got...I do have some room left.

My friends brother is a games nut. Knows practicaly zero

about computers, but loves to play games. Back when DOOM

II first came out, i was at their house doing some

Spreadsheet work for their father. He was watching

over my shoulder as i entered all the cryptic looking

formulas and data, carafe of beer (of all things) in his

hand. He asked me what i was working on, i told him,

"Quattro Pro."

"Whats Quattro Pro?" It was too good to pass up.

"It's a programming language."

"Really?!"

"Yeah."

"So you can make computer programs with this stuff?"

"Sure, Doom was written in it, so was Windows, most games

nowadays have at least some part written in it. It does

some really cool graphics stuff."

"Like when the blood slatters and stuff?"

"Yeah."

He could hardly contain himself when he realized, "You know,

the community college is teaching that Quattro stuff

I could take those, and make my own games, i'd never have

shell out anymore money for games ever again!!"

i still, to this day have no clue if he ever figured it

out, he probably doesn't even remember it.

oh well :)

Hmm...I wonder why the system has been running so slowly lately?

On reboot of this member's machine, these programs were running in the backround:

Quick Shelf

Explorer

Explorer (this one is a trojan horse)

CD Launcher

Hpo Start

Hpo Judix

Reminder

Systray

VCD Watch

OSA

Cesched

Find Fast

Hpomlch

AOL Tray

Watch Dog

System resources at boot: 32%

I had a small upstart business in the field of network diagnostics, and got wacky tech support requests all the time. Here's my favorite:

Me: NetChaser Development technical support, how may I help you?

End user: I'm trying to diagnose my network but nothing happens when I click on 'Chase'.

Me: Does a little picture of the NetChaser mascot begin running arround your desktop?

EU: Desktop?

Me: The thing with the pretty pictures on it.

EU: All I see is a gray bar that says Start at one end, an icon that says "My computer", a green background, and a picture of a little dog or wolf or fox or something standing just under "My Computer" and scratching its head.

Me: What type of network do you have installed?

EU: Dial-up, I think.

Me: Go to Start, Setings, Control panel, Network, and tell me what it has in the white box.

EU: (Sounds of mouse clicks, menu popup sound effects) Umm... Client for Microsoft Networks, Dial-Up adapter, TCP/IP, NetBEUI

Me: Is your modem connected to your Internet Service Provider?

EU: Yeah. I have two phone lines.

Me: Click on the fox, and tell me what comes up in the window.

EU: NetChaser 1.6, WinSock not found.

Me: Go to Start, Find, Files or Folders, and type winsock.dll in the search field.

EU: (Sound of hard disk clicking) It says "There are no documents to show in this view."

Me: Ok... type ICMP.dll into the find box and hit enter.

EU: Same thing.

Me: OK, what type of modem do you have?

EU: A K56 FLEX internal modem.

Me: Open the Dial-up networking folder under "My Computer" and tell me what you see.

EU: Oh, wait, I just remembered. I needed disk space so I deleted files that I didn't know what they went to. could that be why all my desktop icons, wallpapers, programs and setings went away?

Me: Yeah. You really screwed up this time, bud. (friendly chuckle)

EU: (Irate) I did not screw anything up, your fox dragged all my files into the recycle bin! (Threatens to sue NetChaser Development and go to the BBB for selling him a virus)

Me: (Agitated) The NetChaser fox cannot drag anything anywhere, I animated all sixty thousand frames myself, and there is not anything that looks like the fox dragging your files anywhere. If you have a complaint, call the PDNet (parent company) Consumer Affairs office at (XXX)XXX-XXXX. And where did you get NetChaser 1.6? It hasn't been released yet.

EU: I got it off a web site (gives url of known pirated software page)

Me: Ok, and when you call PDNet, you might as well call the Software Publishers' Association to have them explain to you why you PAY for software.

EU: I thought NetChaser was free.

Me: NetChaser 1.5s is free. If it doesn't have an S at the end of the version number, it's retail version.

EU: And what's wrong with having the retail version?

Me: Would you steal NetChaser off the shelf at Egghead? You did the same thing by downloading it from that site.

EU: (very angry) See if I ever buy your products again.

After he hung up, I said to myself "Or in the first place." I couldn't stop laughing for days at the idea of someone who would call a software manufacturer for support for pirated software and tried to blame it for deleting system files.

Thank you for calling tech support

I just had a quick question

No problem what can I do for you

Do I have to have the monitor and the tower on to install a program?

.....yes.... Thank you for calling

I work as a phone support tech and I am basically or MIS director for a small software dealer. Our Marketing Manager called me one day when he was having trouble installng a new piece of software.

Him: I am trying to install this XXXX software from CD-Rom, but it won't work.

Me: Well, did you run the setup program?

Him: Yes, but it gets about half-way through, and gives me an error.

Me: What kind of error message does it give you?

Him: "Disk Full" What does that mean?

Me: It means that you do not have any free space on your Hard Drive.

Him: How do I fix that?

Me: *sigh* I'll be down in a minute.

I deleted 800 megs of files from his \Netscape\cache directory and the install went fine thereafter. Geez, and they were worried about ME abusing the Internet access....

One of my employees, an instructor, was asked to send an attachment via email to a student. The student received the attachment and call to ask if we had sent it in binary format. Knowing that this was a Word 97 document, my employee informed the students that it was a Word 97 document. The student was silent, my instuctor pick-up on this quickly and ask the student "Are you in Office 97?" The student replied "No I am in the basement."

I work at a large hospital and support both PC and mainframe application. We use both MS Exchange and a VMS e-mail system. A nurse called up the other day to enquire about purchasing a new mouse for her PC. After telling her the costs and ordering proceedure I asked if her current mouse was broken. She said that she didn't have one but needed one so she could read e-mail attachments. ..pause.. I asked the brand name of her monitor. She said VT510. She was working on a terminal!!!

I work Tech Support for a Major Company Company.I really like my job, I must. I have heard many strange things,

but the call I got the other day has to top them all.

Hello, Tech Support. How may I help you?

Customer: I want to know why your company won't let me install

my software!

I was puzzled so I asked,"What software are you trying to install?"

She said,"I'm trying to reinstall from my master cd but I can't get it to go in.

Someone at your company is stopping it from going through. My computer said Windows

is currupt. *I* didn't currupt it! Someone there must have done it!"

The light goes on,"Madam, are you saying you think someone here

is working the programs on your computer? "

"Yes, those programs aren't working by themselves. Someone at your place is doing it

or you have some little people in the computer putting the pictures on the screen."

I had to put her on hold for a minute while I regained my composure. I was laughing

too hard to go on.

I tried to reason,"Madam, I can assure you that noone here is operating

your computer from the other side........"

"Then how does it know how to do all those things it does?" She inturrupted

I tried again," The instrucations that tell the machine what to do are put on your Master CD

and the machine reads them and follows the instrucations......"

"Oh, if you expect me to believe that you must think I'm stupid! What do you do

down there, just answer phones?"

"That's about it....I also work with you. You and I together can fix your system..."

"I KNEW IT!!! You just confirmed what I believe. I'm going to put my phone down

next to the computer. When I come back in a couple hours you should be done."

She than put the phone down and walked away.

I waited a couple minutes, when she didn't come back I hung-up.

When you think about it, I guess I did confrim all her beliefs.

One of our off-site support people (a mainframe operator

thrown into the PC world) called me recently to report a

hard drive problem that one of her users was having. Since

we have had viruses in the past, I had the support person

create a 3 1/4" boot diskette with virus-checking software on it,

instructing her to boot with the floppy in the drive.

5 minutes later, she called back to inform me that the virus

diskette would only insert itself 3/4 of the way into the drive.

Knowing that hardware repair was beyond her capabilities, I drove

20 minutes to the site. I retraced her steps and found that it

was true; the floppy would not insert fully into the drive.

Instead of trying a different diskette(!?!), I tried the same disk in

another machine, and found that the same thing happened - it only

went in part of the way. Glancing at the floppy, I noticed what was

wrong - our "support" person had placed the label on the diskette

in such a way as to cover the sliding metal plate, thus not allowing

it to slide over upon insertion into the drive.

I work as a technician for an Internet Service Provider in a smaller town in Nebraska.

I received a call from a retired gentleman. The computer belonged to his wife and he got on-line while his wife was at work. He called saying that he had a message on his screen and he didn't know what to do next. He said the message was in orange letters on a black screen... It is not safe to turn off your computer. I asked him what he was doing when he got this message and he said he was trying to shut the thing down.

I asked him to read the screen to me again and supplied the word NOW for him. He let out an "Awe Man".

He apologized for bothering me and we laughed and he hung up. I haven't heard from him since!

I do support for the microsoft exchange email server software. We charge close to $200 per incident. So when someone calls us, it is usually prety critical.

This guy called me. He says that he is having trouble with his exchange server. When he runs the setup program, it only installs the Exchange client, not the server. I told him to look at his cd case. He did. I said, "do you see the black flap?" He did. I said, "flip it over and use the other cd." Problem fixed. DUh!!!!!!!!!!!

A member wanted to know how to use our (ISP) service...I asked him to install the software. He said he had. I asked him, "What screen are you looking at." He didn't know what I meant. I asked him, "Are you at your computer?" He said, "I don't have one." I asked him, "How did you install it, then?" He said, "I put it in my CD player but it didn't play any music, so I want to know how to use it...."

CD

P.S. I'll tell ya how to use it....put it where the sun don't shine... :-)

This is a true story... I have the log file saved because I

didn't think that people would believe me.

Me: Thank you for calling (XYZ ISP)[1]. May I have your

e-mail address, please?

Luser: Sure.. It's (Luser). [2]

Me: How may I help you today?

Luser: I think that I have a problem with my computer.[3] I

cannot get to (XYZ)'s web site.

Me: Okay, I want you to try to pull up Yahoo to see if it is

your computer settings that are messed up.

Luser: Yahoo ?!?! I have seen that on my brother's

computer. I don't think that I have it. But I

don't want to go there because I don't want to have

to pay anything. [4] (At which point I had to mute and snicker a little)

Me : You don't have to pay for it. I want you to type in www.yahoo.com.

Luser : NO! [5] (At which point they hung up)

[1] All ID's are Lusers. They would be better off sending

snail via pony express. [2] King of the Lusers.. [3] More

like Luser. (Change computer to Luser and you will see what

I mean) [4] Well.. DUH! About this time I think that it is

time to put Luser out of her misery with a larting.. [4a]

either that, or the famous "FDisk Fix" ;o) [5] I am glad

that I didn't ask them to do something important like.. umm

I dunno.. reconfigure DUN and TCP/IP !!!

;o)

And while I was typing this in, I got 2 calls that made me laugh:

----------------

Me : Do you have 2 phone lines so we can check your modem?

Luser#2: No, but I have call waiting..

----------------

Me: Are you using Explorer 3.0 to get on the web?

AnotherLuser: No, I am using Win95.

----------------

I just have one question before I end my rant. Are these

people REALLY this stupid or are they playing with me?

Just like there is a waiting period to get a handgun, they

should make you take an IQ test before they even LET you into

the computer store...

JoKeR-

I used to work at a large software company that sold Version Control software. We usually delt with programmers or Network Admins and most of them were pretty good but I had one that I really wanted to strangle.

He had installed our software on one network and swore that it caused another of his networks to crash. After about an hour of questions we determined that the two networks were not connected in any way but he swore since he installed the software the other network crashed. The other network was located in another building at a different site and he could not log into it from the site he was at.

I finally got tired of trying to convince him that our software couldn't cause the crash if the two networks were not connected in any way. I told him he must have an "ethernet" leak. I told him he need to check all the cables and find one that was damaged. He asked "how will I know?". I told him to look around on the desks and floor for little 1 and 0's.

This sounded resonable to him so he said he would call me back when he found the leak. I never heard back from him so I guess he found the leak!

We had a pretty useless Tech Staff (apart from a few good

'un's)at the Polytechnic I was studying at and one day they had a

doozy of a problem to fix.

In the room my class studied in we would experience a *major*

slow down in our computer lab whenever people used computers in the

adjacent room.

This really got them and everyone tried their best to help

solve the problem (right down to trying to most stupid

things like removing terminators, anything was worth a shot).

Anyways the head techie came into our class (a real pompus twit)

after a few weeks of this slow down prob and exclaimed the whole

problem was due to 'water on the line'.

Now being good computer students we knew very well that water

couldn't get into coxial or Cat 5 cabling and we all burst

in laughter the minute he left :) (after giving a perfect 'stunned mullet'

impression at this comment).

He obviously was trying to save face. Didn't work.

And the problem? Two cables shorting causing the server to get flooded

with requests slowing down our room:)

I went to a small real-estate office here in town to do some work on their network. As I was about to leave a secretary stopped me.

"Is it OK if I put my hard drive on the floor?"

"What?"

"I want to put my hard drive on the floor under my desk"

"No, you can't do that. The cable's not long enough and you might damage it."

"But she has hers under her desk!" (pointing)

Then I realized that she was actually talking about her whole computer - thinking that the funny box with the power switch and blinking lights was the hard drive.

I work technical support for one of, if not, the largest Graphics Software Company in the world. I get a lot of, how shall I say it, illiterate users, every day. But one morning after just getting to work, I sign on and BOOM, the phone rings. Not even a chance to wake up. Anyway, the caller was asking why when he saves a photo on a floppy, it tries to save the program used to open it as well? He was getting errors like " not enough room on disk" and such. So I checked to see what the file size of the photo he was trying to copy. It turns out; he had scanned this photo at 900dpi, which means the file size was about 350 Megs. So you think, of course he can copy that large of a file on to a floppy. But the question is why did he think it was copying the program along with it? So I asked him. He said because every time he double clicked on a photo, stored on a floppy, it starts the editing program, so he thought it copied the program as well. Just for those who don't know, it was file association that caused the program to start.

I provide tech support for a major laptop manufacturer in Texas. The story as follows is true.

Me: Good morning, tech support, how may I help you?

User: Uh, yeah, I have the XXXX model laptop and every time I turn it on my left genital starts to hurt and I want to know what you are going to do about it?

Me: Excuse me?

User: Isaid my left genital hurts when I'm in front of this laptop you made. It continues to hurt for about an hour. No matter where I move the computer, it still hurts. I'm concerned about the health risks involved with your machine, and, what are you going to do about it?

Me: Well sir, I don't have any documented cases of this problem and I...

User: Let me speak to your supervisor now !

Me: Sir, I don't think he is going to be able to help you any more than I can. If you let me research this maybe I...

User: Look, just let me speak to your supervisor. I know he can help me. There's got to be some kind of *lead apron* I can drape over my lap or something !

Me: You may be right. I will forward this to my supervisor because he is not available at this moment. I'll take your number and get this to him ASAP. Thank you for calling XXXXTech Support.

My father decided one day to replace the single-speed CD-ROM drive on his Packard Bell 486SX with a new, state-of-the-art double-speed drive. Obviously this was a few years ago. Anyway, he decided that he would install the drive himself, rather than calling me, his son, the computer expert in the family. Sure enough, I get a phone call from him two days later - the drive won't work and would I please come and figure out what's going on? So I drive down to my parents' house, and proceed to the computer. Sure enough, when it's booted up, it fails to recognize the CD-ROM drive, ignoring it completely, as if it weren't even there. Upon disassembling the computer to check the connections, I discover that he has merely screwed the card for the CD-ROM into the case, and has not even attached the data cable to the motherboard! Like magic, once the cable is connected, the drive works perfectly! To this day, whenever my father decides to upgrade his PC or purchase a new program, he simply sets it aside and calls me to install it! Smart guy, my Dad!

I work for an international online service in the windows tech support que. One night, I receive the "don't get technical with me" caller. It went a little something like this:

Me: Thanks for calling, how can I help you?

Her: Yes, I can cannot get connected.

Me: What is the exact error message?

Her: It doesn't give me one.

Yah, right, our software ALWAYS gives an error message.

Now I am thinking something like line noise and proceed to to troubleshoot down these lines. Sure enough, she is not using the most optimal modem string for her computer. After finding the information I needed, she asks why we were doing what we were doing.

Her: I mean, I don't understand. I have a problem with your software, not windows95.

Me: Ma'am, we just needed windows95 to ask the modem a few questions.

Her: Well, why?

Me: So we can get the most optimal modem string for your computer.

Her: (voice raising and becoming furious) Don't get technical with me young man. I am not a complete idiot. Just because I don't understand that much about computers does not mean that I am stupid.

Me: Ma'am, I never meant to offend you or imply that you are stupid. I apologize for that if you feel that way. For all I know, you could be a nuerosurgeon.

Her: As a matter of fact I am and I do not appreciate your tone or attitude with me.

At this point, she became even more abusive, more difficult to work with, and overall, very unpleasant. While trying to get her to edit her modem commands, I had finally taken all the abuse I could stand when I said:

"Listen, lady. I don't tell you how to do brain surgery and would appreciate it if you would quit second guessing me and telling me how to fix your computer!!! Now are you going to shut up and let me do my job?"

Her: No!!!

She hung up after that, and yes, I still have a job.

Everyone has a problem reporting system, right? After all

it's important that that you log all incoming complaints

and interactions for reporting and trending purposes. For

those silly calls that just don't fit into the normal categories

we've devised an eye-dee-10-tee designation for sort

purposes. when you log it into the the system it reads:

IDI0T......

At our company we answer tech calls by pager, meaning you have a problem you page me.

I answer this one particular page which was at the clients home not office.

The problem is explained to me as follows.

User "My mouse isn't working properly"

Me "Can you be more specific?"

User "The pointer on the screen moves but not very much"

So we try various things, unplugging the mouse & plugging it back in again rebooting & undoing the plate on

the mouse removing the ball cleaning it & putting it all back together again. NO DICE.

So I make the arrangement to be at his house the following morning with a new mouse.

Incidently this client is almost 2 hours away!!

The next morning I arrive & immediately see what the problem is, he had the mouse upside

down on his mousepad & was moving the ball with his finger!!!!!!!

It was a nice day for a drive tho

We got some new digital cameras at work. As the designated

tech expertI was to get them running and test them out.

The guy I work for was in the office, so to demonstrate

them I took a picture of him. To aovid being photographed

he put his hand in front of his face, amking a very funny

looking photo. I then transfered the photo to the computer.

He wanted me to delete it. After leading him on for while,

he grabbed the mouse and proceeded to delete ALL the photos

from the hard drive. And he went away happy.

Only thing is, he never emptied the recycle bin.

Want a copy. :)

I work for a local/regional ISP and we get some doozies once in a while. Take, for instance, the latest addition to our "Hall of Shame":

I had been working with this man for well over an hour, as he had no clue how to use his Mac. He could get around, and that was about it. Basic understanding was lost on this guy. So here we are, working on putting in the DNS numbers into the MacTCP control panel.

Me: Okay, sir, now is there anything in the IP address box?

Him: Nope. Not a thing.

Me: Okay, now click in the box and type in this number. (gave him the DNS number to type in)

Him: Oh, wait, now there's two sets in there.

Me: Huh? You mean there was a number in there already?

Him: Yeah. Sorry. I'll get rid of it.

(Several seconds of futile clicking and cursing followed)

Him: It won't go away. How to I delete the number?

Me: Use the right arrow key on your keyboard to scroll the flashing cursor all the way to the right.

(Several loud keyboard clicks)

Him: Whoooooah! They're gone?

Me: Did you hit the delete key after putting the cursor all the way to the right?

Him: No! Didn't need to! They disappeared automatically!

At this point, I was confused. Then I realized that the entry field wasn't big enough for both sets of DNS numbers to appear in at the same time, so as he'd scrolled to the right, the first DNS number had disappeared to the left. "No biggie," I thought.

Me: Actually, just hit the delete key anyway, just to make sure.

(several more keyboard clicks)

Him: Whoah, they're back!

(The first DNS number had scrolled back into view)

Him: What is that all about? Disappearing numbers?

Me: Please hold.

(Several minutes which involved me going outside, laughing my head off-much to the puzzlement of passers-by-and chain-smoking three Marlboros. I eventually got him fixed.)

Back in 1990, when five and a quarter inch floppy disks were still in use,

I worked in a software company tech support. One day a female colleaque of mine

had this conversation with a male customer:

Tech: "..and I need to send you new disks."

(Pause.)

Tech: "What kind do you have?"

(Pause.)

Tech: "Do you have kinda big black and soft, or small white and hard?"

Customer: "..WHAT?"

Tech: "..I asked you if.."

Customer: "...YES I HEARD..."

Customer:(after doing some thinking)"..oh the DISKS!"

And then they both started laughing!

This is rather short, but I thought it was worth it.

I work for a major computer company tech support. We often install Windows NT 40 on our machine and support it. This particular user was fairly knowledgable of NT and was having some problems getting his networking properties setup. The call went something like this:

Me: You have telnet.exe installed now, right?

Cust: Yup. Now it keeps hanging when I try to install my network card.

Me: Where does it hang?

Cust: When I insert the card (PCMCIA) it comes up and asks me if I want to install networking components. I click Yes and keep going and it goes smooth until it hits TCP/IP and then hangs there.

[We went through some things and got TCP/IP installed and the adapter. Rebooted the system.]

Cust: It's asking me if I want to install networking again.

Me: Okay, go ahead and lets do that.

[Everything's running smooth and then...]

Cust: It stopped and is asking me for the CD...

Me: Okay, let's do that...

Cust: Well... The box says, "Please insert Windows NT 4.0 CD into drive A:" CDs won't quite fit in there from what I remember.

Me: Hmmm... No, I don't think so. Have you installed your CD-ROM yet?

Cust: Nope.

[Proceed to install CD-ROM and floppy drive...]

Me: Okay, let's try that again.

[Couple minutes later...]

Cust: It's asking the same thing again... sorta.

Me: Sorta? What's it saying now?

Cust: "Please insert Windows NT 4.0 CD into floppy drive A:" Is NT going scizzo on me here?

Me: It looks like it. I would suggest re-installing from scratch.

Yet another brilliant effort by MS at quality control.

hello tech support

good afternoon sir my computer is not working........

okay what seems to be the problem?

i can not vonnect to the net

Well sir do you get an error message?

no no error message

okay sir i would like u to try to connect

before we do that.. i need to tell you something

yes?

i just ordered 1200 pounds of birdseed on the net and my credit vcard was rejected do you think it might be realted?

(after muting the mic and laughing ) i said no sir i do not think the two are related

turns out the customer had disconnected his phone line after kicking the pc when his cc was rejected

I work tech support for a large accounting firm and all day the other people in my department and i

get bombarded with questions from ill informed users, here is one such instance:

ME : Thank you for calling XXXXXXXXX how can I help you?

Caller: UH yea I cant dial up to the internet

Here I was thinking this would be easy create a dial up connection and

away we go, I was wrong.

Me: Ok sir could you please Double click on the My Computer

Icon,

Caller: (After a brief hesitation)- UH How can I click on

your computer I'm here your there

Me: (ready to bust out laughing) No sir there is an icon on your desktop

called My Computer.

Caller: (starting to get angry) I aint got nothing on my desktop but papers and stuff!

Me: (Not believing this) Sir, You know the big picture you see when you first get into windows!

Caller: Yeah

Me: LOOK THERE

Caller: (Now sounding pretty pissed) I cant see the picture

Its dissapeared.

Me: Sir do you have any programs open?

Him: Yes, Netscape

Me But I thought you couldnt connect to the internet?

Caller: No see it fine because Im on the Network but I figured If

I dialed up I would be able to see the pages twice as fast.

The call ended in me creating the dial up connection for the user through our remote control software,

but that only came after him and I had a fight over who controled the mouse when I took control of his computer.

I had a call to move a computer from one cube to the next.

I'd worked with this user before and was dreading doing

what I'm sure she would consider a major job.

Before I could touch anything she made me sit down and

go over with her exactly what I was going to do.

Of course, it was very hard for her to understand

unplugging, moving and plugging back in. "There has to be

a lot more to it than that", she said.

I finally convinced her that it would be fine and

she would be back to work in no time, she had 'just one

more item to confirm'.

"Can you guarantee me that all the stuff on my screen in

this cube will be on the screen in that cube?"

Support: This is Tomas

Customer: Hello, my name is XXXXX. I have a small problem. I can´t turn off my computer. I think I´ve done everything the right way. There´s a screen on my computer that reads "It is now safe to turn off your computer". But......How do I turn it off?

Support: Do you have a stationary machine? You do? Ok, in that case your machine a probably divided into two units; One monitor and a square box.

Customer: Thats right. There is a box standing beside my monitor.

Support: If you look in front of the box there should be a round button you can press on.

Customer: Oh, you mean it´s the same button to turn off the computer that I used to turn it on? It worked, thanks a lot.

This call I took over 20 times while working tech support for Windows 3.X at Micorsoft in Las Colinas. Which goes to show what people do in there spare time.

Microsoft, Windows Support, This is Russell, how can I help you?

I turned on my computer this morning and my screen is blank.

Is your monitor connected to your computer in the back?

Yes

Is it plugged in?

Yes, the screen is glowing but nothing is there.

Did you make any changes to your computer? add new Software?

No. but yesterday afternoon I was playing with the color settings and set everthing to white, then exited.

How did you exit?

I had to read the manual and pressed Alt-F4. and pressed Enter to exit.

Was save settings on exit checked?

I don't know I can't see.

Okay I am going to walk you through the key strokes to set your settings back to the default....

Mystery Solved.

i don't remember the exact dialog so you'll have to edit this one....

woman:i was wondering if you could help me set up the internet on my computer

tech:sure what is the problem

woman:i'm not sure

tech:are you at your computer?

woman:no i am accross the street at a pay phone my house doesn't have a phone