Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I was on a call one night for four hours with a lady that said that she was being hack, I was okay what are some of the thing that you computer is doing she said when ever I go to click on an icon on my desktop it moves across the screen and I she chased for 30 min I was falling asleep so I didnt care what she did and she could never get it I told her that she might have a virus,and that she might want to do a system restore and start from scratch she was okay. but would that stop the hackers, then I told her if she thought it was a hacker to maybe download a firewall or just get a new computer.

This is one of those stories that show the degradation of our industry. Tech support is going down hill quickly. The average customer support tech now has less skill and training than many people flipping burgers.

Not long ago, I worked tech support for a particular OEM whose name rhymes with bell...you get the idea. We used to get many calls referred to us from their ISP with issues that could not possibly be the responsibility of the computer manufacturer. Several examples include all pictures being stored in .art format and no option for .jpg with AOL. Most of you probably know this is a setting in the AOL browser for web graphic compression...and this is Dell's problem why? And the AOL tech referred him to us instead of changing the setting?

Another was an MSN customer. The customer was getting Windows error messages (I cannot remember the exact error anymore) everytime they tried to open the MSN program. The MSN tech checked their modem properties and dial-up settings and told them it was a Windows problem and to call Microsoft or the OEM...guess who they called. The issue was simply resolved by reinstalling the MSN software that MSN had provided them...the MSN tech had never even bothered to try reinstalling their software even though that was the only place they were receiving errors.

The ultimate, though was the call the ISP had referred to us because they had just given up. This customer had a cable modem connected to a hub and was given three dynamically assigned IP addresses. This customer had recently purchased a new system from us to replace one of the old ones. He removed the old system from the hub, booted it up, and installed the ISP software (although unnecessary because no PPPOE). The customer called us first and we politely referred him to his ISP...they are the responsible party.

The customer called back 4 hours later saying he had been on the phone with his ISP for nearly 3 of those hours, they had tried everything, and it had to be a hardwa

re problem. I proceeded to ask the probing questions to get the relevant data (how many IP addresses does your ISP provide, etc.).

Step 1...After about 2 minutes of gathering info, I asked him to run ipconfig to check his IP address...we got the infamous 169.254.x.x address. We tried to renew...failed..."dhcp server could not be contacted".

Step 2...about 4 minutes into the call, I decided to power cycle the modem. Lo and behold...we get an IP address. All 3 machines get IP addresses. We check IE and we are on the web.

So in 3 hours with the ISP on the line, the tech never even thought to powercycle the cable modem?!? Isn't that like step one or two in troubleshooting?? It just goes to show you, there are computer idiots in every business, including ours!

This is a problem I run into at my tech support job. I work in a fairly large call center, and as far as I know most of the people working HERE are fairly on the ball. But in some of the other centers some of the tickets and problems I get are completely insane. Perhaps it's just luck of the draw, a customer who gets a screwball tech here isn't likely to get this center again on their next call, but you never know.

Anyway, my FIRST worry is with a particular fix. Now, with Windows XP there is are two common glitches that cause problems with our software, and in many cases internet connections in general. One is Windows Logo Testing. Occasionally this little gem gets a little confused, and decides its job is to prevent you from logging into secure websites, or ANY secure internet service for that matter. Case in point our login software. The fix is a simple two word command typed into the RUN dialog box, which I will not repeat here for fear of its misuse.

Now... this command is for XP and ONLY XP. This fact is drilled into us, and is why this fix was reserved for tier 2 for the longest time. Use it on another version of Windows, and the next step is to go to the OEM for a system restore, because you've BROKEN it. Yet time and time again I see techs using this on Windows ME and 98, at which point I get to tell the user 'Sorry, but we broke your computer. But don't worry, once you get it fixed call us back and we'll do MUCH better next time!'

The next was baffling to me. The user was having the issue that their software was not creating dialing credentials... in other words, when you went through the steps to conenct to the sign up server, told it your phone number and selected from the local access numbers, none of that info was retained.

Now the fix is dead simple: some XP machines are screwy from the factory, and the XP user profile is messed up. You just create a new profile, transfer the preferences over from the old one, delete the old one and done. It's a fifteen minute c

all. It's on the quite solutions sheet, in the Knowledge Base... EVERYWHERE.

This one woman called me. She was on her FIFTEENTH tech support call. She was at the point of wanting to cancel. She had gone all the way up to level 3 tech support, with no results, been referred to her OEM for a modem driver re-install...

Tier 2 was extra busy that day (gotta go to tier 2 before going to tier 3), so I decided to review the support notes. Hmmmm... MSN not creating dialing credentials...

I checked the notes three times. No mention of creating a new XP profile.

So I took the user through a quick creation of a new profile, tried to connect...

Lo and behold, it WORKED.

The Knowledge Base is there for a REASON, people. If you can't figure out a problem, try checking it once in a while. You migth be surprised.

I had a caller on a DSL service that was not getting a DSL signal. One of the procedures to verify is to disconect any telephone in the home that is cordless as well as faxes and such.

Got a mem for whome when i asked him to disconect the cordless phone he didn't know what that was. I litteraly had to explain what it is.

me : please disconect any cordless phone you might have.

mem : what is that???

me(thinking he might not have heard me) : do you have any cordless telephones in the home, if so, disconect them from the phonejacks please.

mem : what do you mean by "cordless telephone"?

me : the phone you are using now, is there a cord that runs from the handset to the base of the phone.

mem : no, there is no cord

me : that is a cordless phone, do you have anymore like that in the home?

mem : no

me : then take another phone off the hook and then disconect this cordless phone from the phonejack please.

At this point i was half expecting him to cut the line and i'd loose the mem, no such luck ;) hehe

Not a computer, but still a user struggling with technology.

Back when fax machines were starting to become relatively inexpensive and more common, the company I worked for had one fax installed in a building of about 500 employees. It was in the traffic manager's office (since he made more use of it than anyone else), but other employees could go down there to use it.

An administrative assistant shows up to fax something. The traffic manager is doing his own thing at his desk and not really paying attention to what she's doing, as there are instructions posted on the wall above the fax. He gradually becomes aware that she is repeatedly sending the same document, over and over. He asks if there's a problem he can help her with.

She says the fax machine is not working. She keeps putting the document into the machine and entering the fax number. However, instead of sending the document, the fax machine keeps spitting it out again.

Apparently she thought that the machine worked like a Star Trek transporter and was supposed to somehow disassemble the molecules of the document, send them over the phone line, and the document would be reassembled on the other side. Since her document kept coming back out after the fax dialed, the fax machine clearly wasn't working right and she needed to resend the document.

You gotta wonder what the recipient thought about receiving a constant series of incoming faxes, each with the same document over and over, for ten minutes or so.

As I was returning from lunch day, our CFO stopped me in the hallway. She was in an absolute panic. "Oh, I'm so glad I found you", she gasped. "I need your help right away, it's an EMERGENCY!".

Fully expecting to see flames shooting out of a server, I follow her down the hall back to her office.

As we entered her office, she explains to me that an auditor will be there in a few minutes and HE's RIGHT-HANDED. She further explains to me that she has a left handed mouse and that I need to fix it so the auditor can use it. "And Barbara," she cautioned me, "We've had to do this before..."

Well, I'm amused, but I figure all she wants is for me to change the mouse settings so that the buttons work for a right handed person, rather than a left handed person. She steps out of the office for a monent and I open control panels and notice that her mouse is already set up for a right handed user. Hmmmm...

She returns to the office and asks what I'm doing. I tell her that the mouse is already set up for a right handed person. I asked very politely if there's anything else I needed to do. She says, with great disgust, "No, it's set up for a left handed person. See, look... " and she points to the mouse. I notice that it's on the left side of the keyboard. Not missing a beat, I picked up the mouse, moved it to the right side of the keyboard, wished her luck with the audit, and told her to call if she needed anything else.

Not really a tech tale, but computer related anyway...

A year ago my friend and I were sitting in a french class before the teacher came in(I'm in High School), and he passed me a blank cd (I was running short and he wanted some files I had). I was putting it into my bag when a girl, a blonde, which should give you a vague impression of her overall intelligence, spotted it.

The conversation went something like this :

Her: Hi! Like, what's on that?

Me: It's a blank disk.

Her: Yeah, but what's, like, on it?

Me: It's blank.

Her: But what's on it?

This went on for several more minutes until we realised that she meant the actual covering of the disk, the white part on which you could write the title of whatever was stored on it.

Lusers, how do they sleep at night?

PS - Love the tales!

Soemtimes even a stupid question needs an answer. Here's mine.

A well known bank has a reasonably good online system......but it can be hard to get online.

I hadn't used the service for a couple of months and had forgotten my login ID number. I knew my password very well (I know you shouldn't use the same one on other logins but it makes life easy). But could I remember my login ID? No, I couldn't.

So I sent off an email asking to be reminded of the ID. Reply pointed me to a FAQ on the website telling me how to request a forgotten password. You need your Login ID to get there.

Sent another email, again with all my details, pointing out the error of their ways. Got the same email back pointing to the FAQ page about passwords.

Call tech support and they tell me that without a user ID they can't tell me the password. Remind them that it's the user ID I've forgotten. Tell them my bank account number, address, telephone, email, inside leg measurement, everything to prove who I am. Also ask how I could possibly know the password and all of the above if I didn't have an account.JUST TELL ME THE ACCOUNT NUMBER PLEASE.

Sure enough, I've now got my email. Confirming my bank account number, branch sort code, password. You guessed it, no user ID.

I'm not thick, I haven't missed anything obvious on the site, I haven't even been rude to them yet. But I still can't get to my money.

Keep on writing folks

After a telephone call with Capita (for those of you outside the UK, they run the London Congestion Charge, the Criminal Records Bureau and the Schools Information Management System (SIMS)) I was left feeling somewhat aghast.

SIMS is a very old and creaky package which has been half ported from DOS to Windows and now to SQL and .NET. We were having difficulties connecting to a central SQL 2000 database. Their first solution was to get us to edit the HOSTS file (used in name resolution in place of WINS or DNS.) That did not work as we are using DNS.

As most of you will know, if you are running a Windows 2000 server, you may also be running Active Directory. If you ARE running AD, you will be running DNS without question, no DNS, no AD!.

So these guys at Capita are troubleshooting the problem and then they come out with the best line ever: "Exactly why are you running DNS on your network?"

8 years ago, as a computer tech onboard a US Naval Carrier, I received a phone call from a user that was having problems with his keyboard (numerous keys kept sticking).

I directed him to bring the keyboard to my shop & I would swap it out with a good keyboard.

He arrived at my door and stated that they got the keys to quit sticking but, kept getting all sorts of characters popping up on the screen. I swapped out the keyboard and he went on his way.

I laid the keyboard down on my bench and took out the screws & took off the bottom cover. I picked up the keyboard & noticed a fluid on the bench. I ran my finger through it and gave it a smell. This guy had 3-in-1 oil'd his entire keyboard! It got all the keys moving smoothly but, was giving the computer a fit.

Since the switches in the keyboard were mechanical, and I couldn't get all the oil out, I ended up scapping it.

Our Unix team had just purchased a brand new server and UPS to run a mission critical application. They were showing off the product after months of development work and were supremely proud of their efforts.

A new project manager, while viewing the hardware, asked if they had run all of the appropriate tests, including failover to the UPS. Naturally, the project team smiled and said 'yes'.

The new project manager viewed all of the nice green lights on the UPS and promptly pulled the power cord from the Unix server. Instantly, the entire operation crashed, in the middle of production.

Turns out that the battery for the UPS had never been ordered!

I'm not a tech, but know enough of computers to be able to help myself in most cases.

Well, a few years ago I was working at a real small company. The house of my boss held both offices and a small flat. After a while the son of my boss moved in.

Next day I switch on the computer and got two new icons on my desktop. I think that's Windows trying to delight my eyes with a new desktop layout and remove them. Next thing I do is opening Netscape. I need a few moments to realise that the reason why it looks something different is that there are icons on the toolbar buttons instead of the text-only style I prefer. Hmmm, I wouldn't have thought Windows being THAT wilful and put the buttons back to normal. When surfing suddenly a box pops up babbling something about "Cookies". I'm finally waking up now and realise that the son of my boss has been using the computer. A short inspection tells me that this git has been too stupid to find Netscape or IE in my neatly customized start menue (because I hid it so well under the "Internet"-entry...) and installed a second Netscape AND upgraded my IE 4 to IE 5 (thanks to M$, it seems impossible to have two versions of IE on a system). And of course no security at all; cookies, Java, ActiveX - everything's allowed to do everything. I am really angry now. He could have asked me, couldn't he? Luckily he didn't do more damage, but still I was quite mad. So I decided to set up a BIOS password. As enraged as I was I chose "It'sme" with an inverted comma. Boot again, no password query? Oh, I took "Password for BIOS only" option instead of "Password on boot". Okay, entering BIOS, password query... Wrong password. SH*T! I'm German, the BIOS doesn't know about German keyboards. Neither do I know where that comma is on an English keyboard. After a lot of tries I finally give up, open the PC and reset the BIOS by jumper. NEVER touch your system when you're mad at something. Cost me half the day to restore it to something almost the same I had before (apart from IE 5, of course). This

time I got a harmless BIOS password.

Later I amused myself with browsing the cache with a thumbnail program. That jerk didn't even wipe his traces - quite a lot of porn.

A pity I didn't see his face that evening when he was asked for the password.

I used to be Network Admin for a small network, one day we get a new person into our shop.

I go about the normal routine and get him set up with a login account. Since we have more users than computers, and they share, we're using roaming profiles.

Get this guy all set up, and show him the basics of the software that we're using, and turn him over to the normal guys for his training.

Three days later he comes back to me, and complains about how long it takes him to log in. Well, roaming profiles, right? The first thing I check is his profile size: over 180 MEGS!!!!! That should be less than one meg, right?

So... I open his profile up, and what do I find? 180 Megs of porn, fresh off the internet. *sigh* Busy, busy.

I don't work as a tech-supporter, but many persons ask me, when they have problems.

Today I've got an ICQ message. Here is shorted translated transcript of our chat session:

U=User, M=Me

U: Restart explorer? What do you mean?

M: Just close it and start it again

U: I've just downloaded a file. It's big and it's named 531080

M: Has it the same size as the file you wanted to download should have?

U: yes

M: So it's the right file, but only renamed.

U: But what I should do with it?

M: What about renaming it?

U: Why? What should I rename it to?

M: Rename it to file, that you wanted.

U: What is it going to do?

M: File will be renamed.

U: Should I rename extension?

M: Of course, for instance if it is executable and you don't rename it to .exe, you will not be able to run it.

U: ok, I've renamed it to .exe . But the file is zip.

M: So rename it to *.zip

U: Ok

U: I've noticed it is the .exe, not the .zip. What to do?

M: Just rename it back

U: Ok....

U: I've done it, but winzip is still opening it.

M: Try to rename it to .exe not to .exe.zip

U: How?

..........

It's been a few years since I've done tech support but this always warms my heart:

C = Customer

M = Me

Me: (Small ISP Name), Techsupport how can I help you today?

C: I can' connect to my account.

M: Can I have your UserId please?

C: @earthlink.com

M: Uh.. That isn't us ma'am you'll need to call earthlink.

C: But you helped me before, when I had an account with (small Isp name). And everyone was so helpful

M: Why did you switch?

C: Earthlink called me and suggested that I should. They said they could provide better service.

M: And now you can't connect?

C: Yeah.

M: Well if you'd like to cancel your earthlink account and switch back to us, then I could help you.

C: OK!!

M: Hey, Get marketing over here we can sell this one swampland too!

(Btw: at the time earthlink cost more too)

I was helping someone with a techsupport issue at same small ISP when I look up there password is says "assoil" So I think "as-soil" perfering to say it that way to the customer who immediatly says "No my password is ass oil." Good times good times..

A few years ago I was the team leader for a software testing group. These folks were from a local temporary help agency. Most of them were good guys, but one of them had apparently never even seen a computer before, much less used one. How he got the job, I’ll never know. I’ll call him “Bill”.

One day he called me over, looking extremely worried.

Bill: I was working on an Excel spreadsheet yesterday, and now I can’t find it.

Me: You can’t find it? You mean you saved it, and now you’re trying to bring it back to look at it or make new changes?

Bill: That’s right.

Me: Okay, that’s easy enough. What’s it called?

Bill: I don’t know.

Me: (Huh?) You can’t remember its name?

Bill: No.

Me: Okay – click on your Start button, then select Documents. If you haven’t worked on too many other documents in the last 24 hours or so, it should be listed there.

Bill: It’s not.

Me: Open up Excel, click on File, and look at the documents displayed at the bottom. It should be one of those.

Bill: It’s not.

Me: (starting to get frustrated) Can you remember anything about its name? Even the first letter would help.

Bill: No.

Me: Okay – let’s do it the slow way. Click on your Start button, select Find, select Files or Folders, enter *.XLS in the NAMED field, and click on Find Now.

After some time had passed, the search ended, having found about ten Excel files.

Me: It should be one of these.

Bill: It’s not.

Me: Are you sure it was an Excel spreadsheet and not a Word document, or anything else?

Bill (confidently): No, it was definitely an Excel spreadsheet.

Given that he couldn’t remember the name of the file, or even its first letter, I rather doubted his word at that point.

Me: Are you sure you saved it on the network and not on a floppy?

Bill: No, I don’t e

ven have any floppies. (That was true – I surreptitiously checked the floppy drive when he wasn’t looking.)

Me: Okay, we’ll try one more thing. Go to Find again, only this time instead of entering *.XLS, enter *.* and then fill out the Date Modified fields so that it only looks for files that were modified in the last 36 hours.

More time passed.

Me: Is it one of these?

Bill: No.

Me: Are you sure you saved it before you left yesterday?

Bill: Yes.

Me (ready to start banging one of our heads against the desk – preferably his): I’m sorry – I can’t think of anything else. If we haven’t found it by now, we’re not going to find it.

Bill (getting very upset): But I have to find it! It holds all the work I did yesterday! I thought you were going to help me!

I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying that, short of waving my magic wand and producing this file out of thin air, I had done all I could possibly do. I suspect that, despite his assurances to the contrary, he’d never saved it in the first place.

I did tech support for many years for a small ISP. I left and am now one of the end(l)user masses. One day I notice my down stream is 20kb no worry's assume it the site and not bother with it. Well after a few weeks of tinkering with settings on the router, power cycling, try connecting 2 computers (seperatly) directly to the modem, just can't beat the 20 kb barrier. So I call into the ISP. Get to a human and answer phone number user name password questions.Before he starts I say "here let me list what I've done" and I list it all, I give him latency and packet loss (low, and none), from many different sites. After a long pause and a chuckle I hear "You've done just about everything. Thank you very much someone will contact you soon. And they did and fixxed it in under 5 minutes." It's nice when it all falls to gether.

BTW: thanks sbc ;-p

It is best that we admit immediately that not all Mac users are charming, erudite, witty and possessed-of-a-clue. A little while back, I think I met a family who should not be allowed to possess an abacus, never mind anything as high-tech as a computer. Actually, "met" is the wrong word, as I had already encountered these people several times during the nightmare week it took to actually sell them anything: English is not their native language, and I had to answer the same questions to each of the four of them in turn, while each had completely different requirements of the machine they wanted to buy.

Anyway, the day after they collected their iMac and Epson C40, I had the first phone call:

Customer: "The printer won't print."

Me: "Okay: have you installed the software?"

C: "Yes. It won't print."

M: "And is the printer lead connected between the printer and the

computer?"

C: "Yes, is all connected."

M: "All right: what operating system are you in?"

C: "What?"

M: "Are you in OS 9 os OS X?"

C: "What is that?"

M: "Okay, don't worry: is the computer on at the moment?"

C: "Yes"

M: "Right. Can you click on the Apple symbol in the top left corner of the screen, then "About this computer" immediately under that, and tell me what it says?"

(Pause)

M: "Hello?"

C: "Yes?"

M: "Did you click on "About this computer"?"

C: "What?"

M: (Go through it again)

C: "It says 9."

M: "Okay, fine. Now click the Apple symbol again, and in the list that

appears below, you should see something called "Chooser". Click on

that."

(Pause)

M: "Hello?"

C: "Yes?"

M: "Did you click on "Chooser"?"

C: "What is Chooser?"

M: (Go through it again)

(Pause)

M: "Hello?"

C: "Is no Chooser."

M: (Thinks: ??? Duff installation? A thought occurs..) "Can you go back to that Apple symbol, and tell me the list that appears underneath it?"

(Pause)

M: "Hello?"

C: "Yes?"

M: "Can you tell me the list that appe

ars under the Apple symbol?"

C: "What, you want me to say it again?"

(At this point it becomes apparent that what I had taken to be pauses while the customer went to look at the screen were actually caused by

their phone handset playing up. Anyway, after a lot more "Hello? Can you hear me?", it transpired that the iMac was actually running in OS X.

Okay, navigate them to the Print Center. Epson C40 apparently selected

properly. Get them to delete it and reselect it. Now try printing...)

C: "It still not print."

M: (Losing the will to live) "Okay: what lights are showing on the printer?"

C: "Is red and green, they are both flashing."

M: "Right, you'd better turn the printer off. Press the power button."

(Pause)

C: "Okay, white light is flashing now. Does that mean it's turned off?"

M: (!!!) "Er, where is this white light?"

C: "On the computer."

M: "No, I said to turn the *printer* off: you've just put the computer to sleep."

And here it comes...

C: "We haven't put the ink cartridges in yet: would that stop it from

printing?"

(Pause. A looooong one.)

M: "I think the best thing to do is for you to bring the iMac and printer in to the shop, and I'll make sure it's all set up and running nicely for you."

...which I did.

this morning, about 4 hours ago, I got a call from my

dad's office that one of the computers has stopped working.

I got there with a boot disk and found the HD seemingly ok,

but windows (98) wouldn't start at all.

so I rushed back home, got the install cd, came back and

began installation.

about 27% into the installation the cd stopped spinning. I tried again and on the second try around it stopped in the

same place.

when I pressed the eject button, the drive made a

grinding/hissing sound and the tray stayed shut.

so I shut down, manually opened the drive, put in another cd drive from one of the other computers and installation

went smoothly from there.

total work time, about 3 hours.

now for the part I'm ranting about. when windows started I

noticed the recycle bin was full and looked inside. files like autoexec.bat, config.sys and various others of the

same ilk filled the bin.

it turns out that one of the employees tried to install something after hours on the weekend and the program

unzipped itself to C: . it also didn't work so without a

second thought he just deleted all the files from C:

AAAAAARGH

Here at work we have a protected email list to which I am subscribed whose purpose is to vent and complain (unofficially of course) about various things.. here's an email CC'ed to this list:

From: [name]

Date: Monday, July 14, 2003 09:42

To: [name]

Cc: [company]-flame@[company].com

Subject: Re: [project] (file:///D:/DATA/[project]/annoucement/[project].html)

Hey [name], it's lucky you bcc:d this email to all of its recipient mailing

lists because I bet if you hadn't there'd be one hell of a big discussion

about the fact the attachment is TEN MEGABYTES. Have you never noticed

anyone mention that large attachments are generally discouraged?

Especially when you are sending them to a bunch of people who probably

aren't all even interested. I don't even know what [project] is so I'm glad

you used up a good chunk of my email quota to tell me this stuff.

T:Technitian

C:Customer

T:Ok, sir, we need to go back to your desktop, ok? to your windows main screen, the one with all your icons.

C: OK, Im there...

T:Now do you see the icon that says My Computer?

C:No, how does it look like?

T:Its a computer drawing?, like an ICON?!?

C: No, i don´t have it

T:Sir please read me all the icons you have there please

C: OK....i see...CTRL...ALT...SHIFT...CAPS LOCK..

T: OH MY GOD!!!!!...GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!

About a year ago while still in highschool I took a computer science course. Now, I know quite a bunch about computers, as well as some other who took the course. Its logical because its a COMPUTER course. Anyway, I sit down in the front row, during the first day of class minding my own buisness when somone next to me taps on my shoulder. I turn to see what he wants. His question shocks the hell out of me. He asked me how he moves the pointer on the monitor screen. He replies by saying "what is a mouse?" *SIGH*

I built a system for a customer, and about a month later he called me up and asked if he could get a new coffee cup holder. I asked him what he meant by he needed a new coffee cup holder, because I didn't give him a coffee cup holder. He then told me that the coffee cup holder that built into his computer that you pushed a button and it popped out of the computer so he couls put his coffee mug on it while he is at his computer.

I immediately began to tell him that that was not a coffee cup holder, but that it was a cd rom drive. He didn't care what it was, to him it was his coffee cup holder, and every month after that he calls me up for a new coffee cup holder.

I work for an ISP that supplies dialup in our local area (we're not a large national company). Not only are some of our customers screwed by their phone companies by them laying old phone line in the ground, but storms make the days on support just flash by.

We recently had about four days worth of bad storms roll through, at least two a day. I don't know how many times this conversation came up in those four days:

Me: Thank you for calling ******, how can I help you?

Them: Are you guys having problems?

(I love calls that start like this)

Me: As far as I understand everything should be working fine. What seems to be the problem?

Them: I can't get on.

Me: Does anything come up on the screen when you try and dial out?

Them: Yes

Me: ......What does it say?

Them: No dial tone detected. Make sure the modem is connected. Are you sure you're not having problems?

Me: *Mute* Getting worse every day *unmute* Is the computer on the same line as we're on now?

Them: Yes

Me: Did you unplug your computer from the wall when the storms came through?

Them: No, it's behind a surge protector

Me: Does your phone line run through that surge protector?

Them: ...No

Me: Well, it looks like your modem is effectively dead.

Now imagine that conversation over the course of four days.

The greatest one we recieved was from an electrician. He didn't think it necessary to plug any computer equipment into a surge protector, and then didn't understand why some of his stuff didn't work after a storm.

This is unrelated to the above, but this is one thing I don't understand - why do people call tech support a /month/ after they started having problems and then get mad when we do something as simple as remake a connection to fix the problem? Why?

I got home from a stressful day at work and needed something to cheer me up... It was there in the form of an email from the head of PE saying that he cannot send emails....

I work tech support for my company, and we have an 800 number that our field sites can call to get help with their problems. Apparently our 800 number is 1 digit off from a credit card or loan company because we get this quite often.....

When you call our number, the phone message says what our company name is, gives options for computer software, computer hardware, videoconferencing, NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT LOANS OR CREDIT CARDS, and finally will send you to a general queue if you do not choose an option.

After all this, I answer the phone and the person says 'Yea, I called about the loans and credit cards you were offering'. I just want to say 'WEREN'T YOU LISTENING, AND IS YOUR BRAIN WORKING?!?!', but no...I politely say that you have reached the wrong number and asked the to double check the number. Then bang head repeatedly on desk.

I work for ISP in canada, one day, a collegue of mine get a call, brought the account up to get customer info. He asked the customer what the problem was : user forgot his password, at the same time, the info showed up, customer was from the society of alzeihmer...

Had a CD actually shatter in my CD-ROM today....when I pulled it out to replace from a fried PC I had laying around, a piece of the CD was sticking out the back of the drive.

Wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't have happened to me..

I'm not in tech support but once in awhile I have to call our DSL support when my hubby has diddled with my comp. He has his own comp, and why he "plays" on mine when I'm not having a prob. is beside me. The last time he messed up my Outlook Express.

I called them and got the nicest guy, I can even get tech to chuckle about what happened and in trying to explain what I have wrong. I think the biggest laugh is when I have to give them our password. I even giggle about that. I don't think they ever hit mute on me to bitch about me. I tell them always what errors happen and follow all directions. I'm very kind and never pissy.

I just want to thank you guys at tds.net. You are all great!!!

This actually happened a few days ago, this is just the first time I could muster up the resources to come post it ;)

Recently, the Verizon DSL service here in New Jersey apparently started having problems with the authentication server or some such. Those online were fine, but others couldn't log in. Which was just fine, except that I didn't know that, and having just cleaned a nasty virus off my computer (and thoroughly berating a normally intelligent friend for getting it and giving it to me in the first place) I thought there was something screwed up on MY end. So I call up tech support...

Funny thing about 24 hour tech support, the graveyard shift is normally pretty empty. So what happens when a HUGE area starts experiencing the same problem at the same time? In my particular case, it means you get to wait for 37 minutes on hold. So I put it on speaker, listening to the surprisingly soothing and happy music as I'm playing some Warcraft (QUITE surreal actually) and having a grand old time. I even futz around with it a few times to make sure I wasn't just wasting time. Still nada.

Finally, the gentleman picks up, we go through the schpiel and all my info again (so what's the point of me giving it in the first place?) and I lay out my problem. He explains the situation on their end, and just to make sure I was the same thing he wants to know the error code. I, being the slick operator I am, pull up the verizon thingie... Which no longer shows the code, but rather "Authorized, connecting." Somehow, within the FOURTY SECONDS it took us talking, the problem was fixed.

So I'd just like to say THANK YOU mister magic tech guy, wherever you are, and gaw bless good timing!

I was working in an internal IT department, which meant - of course - that we were the recipients of the worst abuse by idiot users. My favorite story was a sales person who complained his new Pentium 120 laptop (this was several years ago) was running terribly slow and had all sorts of problems and what kind of slip-shod job did we think we were doing giving out laptops in this condition, etc.

Well, it didn't take long to figure out the problem. On a 2 GB hard drive, there was approximately 1.2 GB of porn! I mean, seriously twisted stuff... just judging from the names of the files! And this was in the days of dialup modems going 28.8 - you have any idea how long it would take to download that much porn? The mind boggles, the body gets nauseous.

This didn't happen to me, it happened to my boss.

We use genesys.com to do web meetings and to do remote control of users who have problems with the business software we support. You go to the website and then we're able to see their desktop and take control of their system.

Anyway, my boss was on the phone with a user who had some issues and he wanted to set up a genesys web meeting. My boss was on a cell phone and wanted to make sure the user typed in the web site correctly. He said to log into g as in George, e as in Edward, etc. After a minute or two, the user said he was unable to connect to that website. My boss did some troubleshooting and figured out after awhile that the user had tried to go to "www.gasingeorgeeasinedward..."

I finally got a new computer and decided to give my dad my old one. It was a few years old, ran Windows 95, but it was perfect for my dad. All he wanted to do was type up an occasional letter, try out the internet, view some family pictures that I had scanned.

I brought it over and set it up and my dad thought it was great and thanked me... and proceeded to not touch it. He would make excuses, but finally admitted that he was afraid of using it without knowing what he was doing. He was afraid he would blow the computer up.

I assured him that the computer was tough. While he might crash a program on occasion, it was really no big deal. All he would need to do is turn the computer off and turn it back on again. There was no way he could do permanent harm to the machine. There was no way he could blow it up.

Not a week later, my dad called me and asked how long it took for the computer to work. Apparently, he had started it up the day before and it was still loading a grid on the screen.

Grid?

Yeah, every few minutes a little "B" would show up on the grid and it would go to the next square.

I couldn't believe it: the hard drive was totally shot. Once I managed to get my foot out of my mouth, I had to break it to my dad that he had - indeed - blown up the computer.

Doing computer tech support, four out of every five calls is dealing with someone who suffers from ID 10 T syndrome. This was one of my last calls of the night.

M - me

C- super smart old man

C - I want to get deleted files from outlook express. My nephew has been corresponding with people and I want to know what he says.

M - You mean you want to check his sent messages?

C - No, I want to get the deleted files, I know there's a way to do it, I just can't remember. (Obviously, this guy knew something I didn't yet he's calling in for help).

M - Sir, you can check the deleted items icon or your recycle bin, if the files aren't there you can't retrieve them without special software.

C - Where do I get this software?

M - You would have to buy it.

C - Is this technical support? Are you a technician?

M - I have a degree in computer networking, I think I know what I'm talking about and yes, this is technical support.

C - I want to speak to your supervisor. I'm not mad, I just want to talk to somebody smarter who knows how to get the deleted files.

Apparently this guy was way too smart for me, and I guess there's a feature in windows XP that can retrieve deleted data that I'm not aware of. So I decided to send this guy to the next level for more laughs.

Ricky

This one blew my mind when I took this call. Normally I have enough self control not to need the mute button to conceal an outburst, but this time I was glad it was there.

Me=Me

EU=THEM!!

Me: Welcome to *** tech support, my name is Adam, can I get your

EU: I just had to have my hard drive reformatted, and I'm reinstalling everything, and I need some help setting up my internet software (Our company provides custom browsing & e-mail software)

Me: Okay (This isn't uncommon. I prefer they call me to be certain rather than accidentally go though and put multiple accounts on their credit card in the online setup). Have you got the software CD?

EU: Yes.

So, we go through the installation and setup. Everything went perfectly, until we got to the part of the setup where the user needed to enter their e-mail & password.

Me: Okay, now enter your e-mail and password?

EU: Ummmm... yes... about that. Could I change my e-mail address?

Me: Unfortunately, your account is identified by your primary e-mail address, and can't be changed without closing the account. If you like, once we get the software set up, we can create a secondary account for you?

EU: Ummm... no, that won't work. You see... the 'E' on my keyboard doesn't work. I need an e-mail address that doesn't have an 'E' in it.

I gaped, tried to reply, then lunged for the mute button as a laugh burst out of me like a sneeze. I took a few seconds to compose myself, then returned to the customer.

Me: I'm sorry Ma'am, but I really do think you should get your keyboard fixed or replaced before you attempt to set up the internet... a working keyboard will make things work much better.

EU: But... I'm using a laptop!

Ah well, this is gonna be an ouchie bill... still not sure how she planned on TYPING e-mails without an 'e' key.

When most people read system requirements, they think one requirement is enough.

A customer was trying to install a usb 2.0 cdrw that my company makes onto his win98 machine. The customer kept stating that windows would say "new hardware" but he couldn't see the cdrw in his computer. Out of this, I knew the os was recognizing the cdrw somehow. So I looked at the cdrw specs and quickly saw it definitely needed usb 2.0 and minimum 400mhz cpu. As nice as possible I tried telling him needed usb 2.0 and I tried to verify it with him.

Me: Sir do you have usb 2?

Him: I don't know. I have windows 98 this says it runs with windows 98.

Me: Sire you need a usb 2 card installed on that computer.

Him: I don't know. It says here I can use it with windows 98.

After 15 FREAKING minutes of telling this guy the system requirements and him not knowing it, I figured the best way was to look it up for him. So I asked what kind of computer he had.

Him: A compaq.

Me: What's the model number so I can look it up online?

Him: It's a Pentium 2 compaq desktop (and proceeds to read me the serial number).

After getting extremely agitated at his ignorance and lack of willing to listen to me or learn, I told him to contact compaq to get the system specs then call cdrw tech support in our company (I told him this three separate times).

Then he asks if the cdrw tech support line was the number to get the specifications of his computer. I swear some people never listen.

If you don't know how to use something or what it needs in order to operate, you shouldn't buy it.

Ricky

I am not a big tech support person, but I do like to help family with there computers when they need help.

On one occasion I got an email from a realitive saying that there printer wasnt working properly. Since I couldnt be there to see the print outs my self, I asked them to send me some samples of what they were getting from there printer in the mail.

Well, several days later, I received there print-outs in the mail. I could immediately tell that they were running out of black ink (in their black and white printer).

I emailed them telling them to get another ink cartridge because because the black ink was almost out. They sent me an email back saying "the black ink is full, because as you can see in this email the black shows up great!" I still wonder to this day if she really thought that the monitor used printer ink -- but that would explain all the times they never stayed on the computer long (I guess they were afraid they would run out of ink!). LOL.

I worked in technical support for a large software firm that specialized in utilities for the PC and Macintosh. (Central Point Software) One of the products I supported was a database and spreadsheet recovery tool, for corrupted files. (File corruption happened a lot in the early 90s) When a customer could not recover their corrupted files with the shipping product we would often request a copy of the file so that we could determine why the product failed and/or to attempt a recovery using our next generation products.

In one such case I requested that a person make a copy of the damaged file on floppy disk (long before email was popular) and send the copy in to my attention.

30 minutes later our admin delivered a FAX to my attention, with an image of the floppy disk on it that I am sure contained that damaged file.

BK

I use to work for a large ISP company as a customer support representative. I ussually delt w/ little tech although i was tech savvy, it wasn't my job. The call queue times would reach 2 hours though on both the Billing side and Tech, so I would try to help out on small technical issues that can be solved w/ in 5 mins.

Well, one night a lady calls in, so sweet and all, and she said that she grabbed one of the installation cd's at her local tech stores. This lady gave me her story that she was so thoroughly excited about getting an ISP that she bought a new keyboard. But, she was thoroughly dissapointed when the cd didn't work at all.

I tried to troubleshoot the problem, But to no avail. so I asked her. to tell me what she sees on the monitor when she inserts the cd. she tells me that once she inserts it, she sees nothing on her TV. (yea... got me there too) I asked her... "Ma'am where are inserting the cd. she tells me into the CD player next to the television. I asked her if she already connected her keyboard, she replied "yes." I come back w/ "To the computer?" She replies "I don't have one." Then... I asked "Ma'am did u buy a computer w/ the keyboard?" she replied "No, I thought all I needed was the keyboard to type, and since I already had a cd player and a TV monitor, that was it!"

I transfered her to sales... and just didn't bother asking where she plugged in the keyboard!

A user in our small company calls me up and tells me her computer is locked up. All they use is outlook and a Thomas Streets so typically everything runs just fine.

I drop down to her cube to take a look and everything looks fine. I sit down, grab the mouse and start to move it back and forth. The pointer moves but very little.

With a "Don't try this at home" I flip the mouse over, take the ball out and clean the rollers. You would have thought I fried an egg on the processer for the look in her eyes.

Anyway problem fixed. It's funny how some people don't realize you can navigate around pretty good (and faster) using the keyboard.

Oh well, job security.

In the "I love MSN support!" post below.

A ADSL modem does MOdulate and DEModulate. The DSL signal is an analog signal in the bandwidth of 80 KHz to 1.1 MHz. The analog signal is broken down into 256 discrete bandwidths encoding up to 15 bits of data. The modem decodes the analog data signal and converts it to a digital signal. Very simular to a standard dial-up modem. Cable is the same way as it's an analog signal also.

ISDN and T-1 are fully digital signals.

Hope this helps.

http://www.wayne.hardy.com

This happened on the first day of my new job as an system administrator @ an expedition company somewhere in Europe.

*phone rings* > wound up user...

MY COMPUTER HAS CRASHED! LOST ALL DATA!

I WILL HAVE TO RE-DO A WEEK's WORK!

I told the user I would be right over, to see the problem for myself...

When I arrived at the scene, I checked the computer... screen was black, computer was on... So I got ready to reboot the system, when I saw a note sticked to the power-button of the comp. screen...

I removed the note, and turned the screen back on.

Problem solved...

Phate

I work in schools, keeping it all running as it should....a colleague just mailed me his help call of the day

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I was asked to day to troubleshoot a printiing problem. It seems the user's printouts are coming out blank ... well at least entirely "black". Its seems they were using "black" paper and were trying to print "white" text onto their black paper. I explained to them that the printer doesn't have any "white" ink in it ... their reply ... "but its a COLOUR printer !!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

mark

2 years ago in my technical support role for a major BLUE company I received a call from one of the account managers in Sales in the building next to me, unbelievable...

M = Me

AM = ACC manager

M = Good morning etc etc , What problem are you reporting

AM = I want this fixed and I want it fixed right NOW

M = Ok, well let me know the problem and I will do my best

AM = Look this has been going on too long, fix it now

M = Look, I cannot fix anything without you telling me what is the Problem

AM = My chair

M = your chair?

AM = Yes are you deaf, my chair

M = You have a problem with your chair, the chair you sit on?

AM = Yes, I want ot fixed NOW

M = (Humouring her) so whats wroing with the chair then?

AM = The back is broken

M = Oh that is terrible, you must be so uncomfortable !

AM = Fix it now !!!

M = Is there anyone sitting next to you?

AM = NO

M = is there a desk next to you?

AM = YES

M = is there a chair at this desk?

AM = YES

M = Wild idea, but take that chair?

AM = can I do that?

M = If you really want too, go on be a devil

AM = O thank you so very very much, you have been a great help

M = pleasure, hope your back gets better soon

AM = Thanks you have made my day.

Marvellous, more annoying when you know they are on 3 times your salary !!

My friend is a very intelligent electrical engineer, in charge of millions of pounds of highly complex equipment. Why then, can't I get him to stop saying "Jig" when talking about hard drive space, and "Jif" when talking about picture formats?

I am spending a pleasant lunch break reading through some of the tales on your website when, once again, my lunch is interupted by a (l)user.

Apparently they had just tried to print an acetate on a laser printer and it 'appears to have melted'.

This is on a 6-month old printer. I don't think this is covered on the warranty.

Looks like it's going to be another interesting day...

I used to work giving tech support for SONY. One time a customer called saying he was having problems with his remote control. He said is not working. I proceeded to do the usual troubleshooting which is: take out the batteries of the remote, with the batteries out press each button twice. This is to make sure that there are no buttons stuck. Believe it or not this works!! Anyways, the customer told me that didnt work. I asked him if he had replace the batteries, he said: No, but they were working a few minutes ago. When I asked him how long he had them for he said about a year. The man couldnt believe that good batteries would work and then not. I had to tell the customer that, that is usually how it happens, the batteries work and then they stop working.

This happened to one of my colleagues a few years ago....

A user called in and reported, "The frog keeps coming out of my computer." One of the applications that we used at the time was a telnet emulator called Kermit. So, my colleague spent about 20 minutes troubleshooting, trying to figure out whether it was a connection failure, whether the application wasn't launching, etc. Nothing worked.

The solution?

The error sound on her computer was set to "Ribbit."

Every now and then you get a support call that you just shake your head at and can't even laugh about because the situation was just so retarded. This is one of those instances.

Call comes in from irate woman saying her 'internet' isn't working, and hasn't done so for the past two weeks. Rather than asking why she waited two weeks before calling, I go through the usual PPP/DUN setup like a polite broken record before she pulls me up saying I am going to fast for her, 'hang-on, i'll get my daughter to talk to you, she knows all about computers'.

The daughter arrives in no less than 5 minutes air-time and sounds about twelve. Working through the windows crap again I discover that there is no dial-tone on the line - I decide to go a little more in-depth and ask about her hardware.

'Is your phone line plugged into the modem?'

'i'm not sure, how do I check?'

'you will probably have a line near the computer, follow it to the computer and make sure it is plugged into both the wall socket and your computer'

wait another 5 minutes, she returns...

'there's a yellow cable plugged into the wall and a black box on my computer'

'that's fine, your modem must be external. Can you tell me what lights are on the black box?'

'there aren't any lights'

'no lights at all?'

'does the modem have power?'

'what's that?'

'the black box...'

'no.'

'can you please turn the modem on and bring up your connection'

'okay.'

ten seconds later, analog handshake screams in the background and they are back in business. Mother jumps back on the line and tells me what a great help i've been.

I am network administrator assistant in a big Cash&Carry company. One day I got a very funny email (at least I thought so),subjected "Albanian virus" with the following body:

From Albanian hackers

> >>

> >> DEAR RECEIVER,

> >> You have just received an Albanian virus. Since we are

> >> not so technologically advanced in Albania, this is a

> >> MANUAL virus.

> >> Please delete all the files on your hard disk

> >> yourself and send this mail to everyone you know.

> >>

> >> Thank you very much for collaboration.

That's it. I sent it to everyone from company, thinking what a good laugh they'll have. Not one minute later the telephone ring, one guy asking me how to delete all files.

I realized what big mistake I made sending to all people, and after I explained the joke to him, I receive many calls with the same subject :)

This happened some time ago.

I was hired by a customer to see why they cannot connect to the internet. After checking all the settings of the operating system (keep in mind, this was a Linux computer) for their gateway, I finally decided to call tech-support for the ISP.

The first thing that I heard was: Reinstall TCP/IP.

When I explained that I am on a linux box and that there is absolutely _NO_ need for me to do that, it was a looong silence on the phone (can you count 5 minutes?).

Then I was asked to check the IP settings. Which they confirmed as correct.

Then they decided to dispatch a tech to the site. He came. He had almost no idea about linux. We checked the IP settings again (he had to go through that).

I later find out that they were using another provider to offer internet.

Still, we decided to check the antenae (it was a wireless modem). We ended up on the roof, with my laptop, checking the antenae. While there we called the ISP again. Heard _again_ the "reinstall the TCP/IP" speech. When I explained _again_ that I am on a linux box (my laptop is also on linux) it was another silence moment. Then the lady decided to check the antenae for traffic. She had traffic. Yet she believe that the problem is on our side (do they always do this?).

Then I explained her: my computer works fine, I connected to the net with it, the antenae delivers trafic and receives data (keep in mind, we were connected directly to the modem). I asked her: if our equipment is working, where would be the problem? Guess what: she asked me to reinstall the TCP/IP. I was almost screaming at that moment, but since we were using the mobile phone I decided to keep cool.

After another (5th) check of the IP settings, they finally decided to check their database. It ended up that the stupid lady was checking another site, that they provided another IP for the location, every data they provided was a mess.

It took them another 2 hours to come up with the right IP, netmask and after so many hours we man

aged finally to get a working connection.

And I wonder sometimes: is there a reason why I smoke that much? :P

PS: I live in Romania. Fear the ones that answer the phone here.

I recently worked on a computer which wouldn't run a 3rd party piece of software.

When I started the machine up I noticed that it was running a batch file twice. So I checked out the start menu.

I found that the start menu contained a batch file called runme.bat AND a shortcut that pointed to the runme.bat file. When I looked at the runme.bat file I saw that the only thing it was doing was running a file in the windows directory called runme.exe

A few less runme's later and the software worked fine.

I've been woking tech support for a few years now, and hav heard all kind of stories but this one takes the cake.

I do tech support for An ISP Company. Today one of my co-workers turned to me with a baffled look on his face and told me, " the member said she could no longer use high speed, becauseit caused her an allergic reaction. so she wants to switch to Dial." ????

Hi,

Back in the dark old days when I used to work in Tech Support one day I was talking a Customer through copying some files onto a floppy disc. we had got as far as opening up Windows Explorer and finding the files in the "My Documents" foler

Me: OK, highlight the file you want to put on the floppy

Her: OK, it's blue now

Me: Good, now drag it onto the icon on the left that says "3 1/2" Floppy Disc"

Her: Your left or mine?

At this point I had to put her on hold while I laughed until my sides split.

Thank God I left that job!

Bill

i worked at a big ict business in belgium, and i once had to install a printer (USB), the client wanted a printer with an usb connection , not a network printer (normally we use only network printers !)..

you wanna know why ?

the client thaught , that everybody on the network would be able to read the files wich he was printing. we tried to explain them , that it wasnt trough, but still...

so we finally installed an usb, but we were getting suspicious, so another sysadmin installed a monitor service to look what that guy was hidding , ...

conclusion , he was printing valuable netwerk shemes ( from other clients with he had obtained one way or another) and pr0n stories + pictures...

greetz

I was with my brother in law that day when we got in front of a very well known electronic store. An old man (poor him) was gathering information about a computer he was (I hope not) planning to buy.

We didn't got a lot of the conversation but something caught my ears when the man asked the salesman the particularities of the mouse. Here is the answer of the salesman:

SALESMAN: Ohhh That mouse is a very particular mouse made by Microsoft sold only by us... It doubles the memory of the computer....

I looked straight at my brother very seriously and asked him, loud enough for the salesman to hear me: "Gee, poor guy trying to sell that, do you think he heard of the new Microsoft's Mouse that doubles the speed of the computer ?" We got out of there laughing like we have never laughed.

I will not say anything bad about customers being complete idiots when it comes to computers because the majority are not. But one thing tha I have noticed about irate customers is that the angrier they are the more less they know and the less they want to do to resolve the issue.

I work for a large broadband company in the States and even with probably the dumbest tech support I have ever seen. I have had tech support who setup the service getting paid about 50 per install which takes no more than 30 minutes call into have us walk them through configuring the stack or running the icw.

Another thing which all tech support can attest to is the fact that the larger and longer the title of the person calling in for help the dumber and more idiotic they are.

i am doing tech suport call outs to get a lil more money while i get my certs' my first call was to a guy whos broadband connection Mystriously whent down after he had his mother borad upgraded by a high street computer repair place

so i arrive at the call and get to work, and whad do you know theres a 40gig hard drive, clean as a whistle, no app's no nothing.

the guy is really trying to be helpfull and says thay let him have the fualty mother board back, i say that id love to see it, and he pulls out, you guessed it a hard drive.

thay had charged him, a VERY exessive amount of money, just to put a new hard disk in and format it.

i fewlt that sorry for him that i waved my call out fee