Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

Nothing irks me more than ISP's that refuse to acknowledge anything that isn't Microsoft(C). One day my cable modem connection stopped working, so I go through the regular motions, reset the cable modem, wait for the connect lights... nothing, so I phone Teleworst tech support.

Me: Hi, I don't have connect lights on my cable modem. I've tried resetting the cable modem and still get nothing

He: Right, we'll just need to check your power level, can you open up Internet Explorer.

Me: I'm using a NAT'ted linux firewall connected to the rest of my network

He: I'm sorry, we don't support Linux can you...

Me: Hold on a sec. I've got a Windows 98 hard drive caddy, let me reboot and I'll open up Windows Explorer

Me: right that's booted and I've got Explorer up

...

...

He: Sorry, the problem must be with Linux and we don't support it. You said earlier that it was knackered.

Me: NAT! Network Address Translation! How does me not having connect lights on the modem make my Linux box at fault ?

This is a one-off story my Pastor once told on himself. He was having all kinds of problems with his Mac, and couldn't make heads or tales of it. He finally called a friend, who came over and found a virus. After cleaning the virus off the system and repairing the damage, he asked a few questions to try to isolate the source. Larry [not the Pastor's real name] insisted that he never used any diskettes or downloaded any programs he wasn't absolutely sure of. Then he stopped and said "Oh, wait, someone gave me a game diskette right before the problem started." His friend scanned the game diskette, and quickly found the virus. He then admionished the pastor about accepting suspect diskettes. The pastor responded with "But I only did it this one time!" His friend's response was: "Larry, you've been a pastor for what, almost 30 years? In all those years, how many times have you counseled people who said the exact same thing?"

We had quite a few customers with amusing names, but this one would probably only be of interest to UK techs who would have been watching Saturday morning childrens telly in the 80s.

I took a call from a gentleman whose voice sounded rather familiar, though I couldn't quite place it at first. It was only when I'd taken his serial number and called up his notes that I realised why. UK Techs Of A Certain Age will know who was calling if I say that the previous note said

"Somehow managed to get through the call without going 'BLAH!' or advising him to hit the PC with his mallet. No cockatiel jokes were made."

Nothing to do with computers, but a story of how some people fear ANY technology, even something as simple as............ A light bulb!

I work in an electrical store and we sell cookers. You'd think that most people would be familiar with a cooker. Nothing too technical or complicated, right?

A couple, maybe mid fifties, come in. The cooker they bought a six months ago no longer has a light in the oven so they can see if their roast is done.

Ovens have a bulb, its behind a heat resistant glass dome that you grab with your hand and unscrew, then you unscrew the bulb. Same fitting the lights in your house have.

When I told them that the bulb had gone, and new ones were a couple of dollars and they could fit it themselves they demanded an engineer came out and did it. I said parts like bulbs weren't covered and offered to show them on a display model how simple it was but they refused even to look!

They stormed out, muttering about how terrible our service was and they'd never buy anything here again.

IT'S A LIGHT BULB! WHAT DO YOU DO IF THE LIGHT IN YOUR KITCHEN GOES? CALL AN ENGINEER?

But they refused even to let me show them how to do it...

I set up a laptop, docking station, peripherals, internet connection, etc. for a client several months ago - very easy job (obviously), everything was working fine. Recently he called and said that the computer was behaving strangely and had been for weeks, that he had spent hours on the phone with Dell tech support and they were at their wit's end and were recommending a reformat of the hard drive and could I help? I checked out the system and sure enough it was behaving oddly - mouse not selecting or dragging properly, random characters added to keyboard input, host of startup errors, etc. I offered to come back the next day when I had more time and give the system a thorough going over.

When I returned I asked him if I hadn't set up an external keyboard and he said yes, but that both he and his wife preferred the laptop keyboard instead. Fine. Can't stand them myself, but whatever. I decided to disconnect everything from the computer and then reconnect things one at a time to see if I could isolate a problem component. Start following the leads from the back of the docking bay and one of them disappears underneath this *huge* mound of newspapers, letters and books. Needless to say, it does *not* reappear on the other side. Deep breath. Lift pile of junk.

"Johnny, how long has all this stuff been sitting on top of your keyboard?"

"Oh, a few weeks."

"Maybe since around the time you started having problems with the system?"

"Oh, about then, I guess. Why? Does that matter?"

"Um. I think so Johnny. Yes, I really do. Let's reboot without the papers on the keyboard and see what happens, shall we?"

"Wow, Heather, it works perfectly - that's great. Thank you!"

"No problem, I think I'll just take the keyboard with me now so you don't run into any more problems..."

And all I can think of if this poor Dell tech support person who spent *hours* on the phone with this guy - flummoxed to the point of suggesting that he reformat his drive (which wouldn't have helped anyways!

). I get a headache just thinking about it - I really do...

Heather

Computers are not the only technology with Tech Tales.

Someone I know manages office parks, but she never rides in the elevators in the buildings; she always walks up and down the stairs. Why? Because, she claims, elevators just don't LIKE her. Otherwise perfectly working elevators tend to break down when SHE is in them. After being trapped in an elevator one time too many, she swore off elevators forever. Even though, in her job, she goes up and down, up and down, 5 floors at a time sometimes, multiple times per day.

Elevator techs have told her that some people just have this... sort of... AURA about them, that makes elevators short out. She claims that she has been told this by multiple elevator techs, at multiple elevator maintenance companies, none of whom know each other.

So... is this industry-specific folklore? Or do elevator techs like to tell her whoppers? Or is SHE telling the rest of us whoppers? Or does she truly carry about her a Twilight Zone that drives elevators mad?

dee DEE dee dee, dee DEE dee dee, dee DEE dee dee, dee DEE dee dee....

I work as a Tech for a major ISP. M=me Cx=Customer

M: Major ISP, may I have your phone number starting with the area code

CX: (provides phone number)

M: And who am I speaking with

CX: what do you mean

M: Who am I speaking to

CX: What do you mean

M: What is your name

CX: (provides name)

M: what can I help you with today

CX: I am having problems installing your software and registering. Everything is frozen on my computer screen

M: Okay let's shutdown your computer and restart from the top

CX: Okay, I need to go to my computer and turn it off because I am speaking from my fax phone.

M: Mrs customer it would be much easier to troubleshoot your problem today if you had a phone close to your computer. Because it could become tiresome for you to run back and forth from the phone to the computer. Is there a phone near your computer that you could use to speak from while were troubleshooting

CX: Okay not a problem, I'll be right back

M: waiting for customer to come back, she finally comes back about 5 minutes later.

CX: I'm back

M: Okay, it's good to hear that you are back and that we will be able to troubleshoot with a phone that's closer to your computer

CX: Oh, I couldn't find a phone that is close to the computer so I unplugged everything and moved the computer closer to my fax phone and now I don't see anything on the screen and my computer is not powering up.

M: (Pressing the mute button and laughing til my sides hurt)

M: Mrs Customer, you will want to move your computer to where it was originally set up and plug everything back in, because if the computer is not plugged in a power outlet and turned on, it is not possible for me to troubleshoot with you.

CX: so you mean I have to put everything back to where it was and have power and modem plugged in, in order for me to be able to get help

M: that is correct mrs c

ustomer

CX: okay not a problem, I will do that and call back

Customer hangs up. I am just wondering what part of Is there a phone near your computer that you could use to speak from while we're troubleshooting the customer did not understand, but then again if you ask "to whom you are speaking to" and they respond what do you mean, there might be a slight problem that will arise somewhere during the conversation

Susie

Love the website! Keep up the goodwork guys

I just had a great case of if it has a plug on it, IT must deal with it, A one of our trainers just hit me with this gem.

Her: my delegates are cold.

Me: Oh.......is the heating on.

Her: Yes but can you give me some small portable heaters.

Me: Sorry i we don't deal with them

Her: But i thought IT dealt with all electric stuff!

Sure if it has a plug i must know where it is and how it works.

My Mom got a Mail Station. I received the following email from her:

i have my mail station working. my address is:

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX due to only one phone line i will leave my

station on to receive e-mail only 1 hour a day at 7 to 8 pm. sorry but i cant

tie up my phone all day hoping for mail so if you want to mail me do it between

7 and 8 would love to hear from the kids tracy i forgot to put your name on

the heading this is for you too love you mom

After I laughed until my sides hurt, I sent her back a note to let her know how it works.

Since I do network support for my office, it is hard to believe this came from my own mother!

Working for a 24/7 tech support center, I find the strangest calls come in around midnight. I once had a customer admit he puked on his keyboard, then proceeded to wash it off. Yes, with soap and water. No, he didn't unplug it or turn off the computer. He called in to ask why his keyboard didn't work after that. I couldn't stop laughing after hanging up for about 10 minutes.

I worked for tech support for a long time and heard just about everything, but this one caller still makes me laugh every time I think about it.

This gentlemen was having a problem on his computer and decided to call tech support. I started with the basic questions about his system and the exact problem he was having. As I asked about his computer he became frustrated that he needed to tell me this information and wondered why I couldn't SEE what was on his computer. And it gets better!

I explained to him that I could not SEE his computer (we were in two different countries) but because he was using Windows XP I could set up a link to his computer and take control so I could fix the issue while he watched.

I started by asking him to connect to the internet and again he became upset as he explained that he had no internet on his computer. It makes me wonder how he ever thought I could SEE his computer in the first place!!!

I work for a school in New Zealand and we previously had an almost unbelievably computer illiterate female Principal.

She really shouldn't have had her own computer as she had no idea how to use it whatsoever.

Unfortunately, the owner of the school instructed myself and a colleague to help her as best we could to learn and solve any problems she came up against.

1) The always familiar - no power to PC as wall socket not switched on.

2) Doesn't understand the concept of filing - saves any file she has worked on into the first place that pops up. No matter what it says. This can and will cause a huge problem on a network when it is discovered 6 months later as more and more files keep disappearing.

3) Can't understand the logic of a mouse working slowly if she removes it from the mousepad and instead uses it on the top of the laminated desk.

4) We encourage paper recycling and so drafts/rough copies are printed on the back of previously used, but no longer needed pieces of A4. I get a call that her printer has jammed (I have previously told her never to fix it herself - I will do it as in the long run it saves hassle) so head to her office. Sure enough there are about 5 sheets jammed at once halfway in the printer. Thinking it is a case of a mistaken auto-feed I open the printer cover. The 5 sheets are stapled together in 3 places. Yes, in the paper tray there are another 2 examples of this yet to be fed through!

5) Get called to her office as having trouble with fax machine. Look at fax machine and ask where the document she wants faxed is. Of course it is on the computer screen! Doesn't understand it might be a good idea to print it out in order to fax it!

6) Discovers 'minimising'. From then on minimises every program after use evetually and inevitably leading to a total crash from overloading.

I could accept this if these were first time mistakes from someone who has never used or seen a computer before.

NOT once they have been told at least 10 t

imes about each task and hold TWO University degrees.

At least she has gone now...

Thanks for calling (****) I can help you.

user: (angrily) I've got no connection!

tech: Well the signal on the modem looks good, let me....

user: (yelling) Well, I've got a big black screen saying "No Signal"!!!

tech: Mam, can you check to see if the computer is on?

user: Oh.

i work in wireless internet support for a major cell fone company. i had a customer service rep transfer a call to me one day. she told me the customer has an internet capable fone with a connection kit to use it with a laptop as a modem, but he can't get online because the "gps chip is broken." small discussion follows and i take the call.

me: thank you for calling data support sir, now what exactly is happening so that you can't get online?

cust: my wife and i are traveling the country in our rv and using the fone and laptop to keep in touch with our grandkids, but this stupid fone's gps chip is broken!!!

me: okay, now what makes you think that there's something wrong with the gps?

cust: well the damned thing keeps telling me i'm in ROAM, and i'm not! i'm in wisonsin dammit!

i advised the cust of his inability to spell and hung up.

I worked at a big furniture shop in Germany.

Nearly every day there was a blown fuse in the UPS. We figured out, that the cleaning staff plugged their strong vacuum cleaners in the red power outlets marked with “EDV” (Elektronische DatenVerarbeitung) for the Computers.

We forbid them to do that, but that didn’t help.

So one day I took my label gun and slapped “Hochspannung” (High Voltage) labels over the old “EDV” Labels.

After that there never was a blown fuse again.

I'm the 'computer specialist' here where I work.

I pretty much take care of anything electronic in our office - Computers, Fax Machine, Phones,.... and copiers. Not a big deal.

However, I just received a phone call that was transferred to me by the Office Supervisor. Turned out to be our Copier Provider wanting a Meter count on our copier.

But yet, she transferred the call to me!

There's 2 ways to get a meter count -

1. press a few buttons on the display, and it will tell you.

2. look at the right side of the coper!! The count is right there!!

Oh well... such is life.

thanks for reading my rant.

When beggining troubleshooting steps I usually have the customer click the start button to access certain programs or navigate to the control panel, etc. Once, I was surprised at a customer's response.

Tech: Click the Start Button

Customer: "My computer's already on!"

*ring*

:: **** Internet Support, you're talking to X

"This is NN - I'm getting kinda annoyed with your company... I would like to know why you havent sent me my $400 adsl package that i ordered several weeks ago??"

:: Uhm, id have to check up on that - what is your home phone number?

"xxxxxxxxx"

:: Ok, it says here your package was sent from us two weeks ago - and that you picked it up at the postal office the xx.xx at 11:42..

"uhm..... ... What color is that package?"

:: Its grey, with some xxxxxx lines and a picture of a xx...

"Uhmm... Ah.... I thought that was SPAM.. i heard about spam in the news - so i thought that was physical spam...."

:: Well what did you then?

"I threw it in the garbage...."

:: .............. ok

"Maybe i shouldnt have done that"

:: No, perhaps not..............

He had to pay for a new $400 package, which i sent to him - labeled "THIS IS NOT SPAM!"....

I was recently in a large store that sells computers, televisions, appliances, etc. Those places that have big red logos or maybe a yellow one that looks kind of like a price tag.

I always cruise the computer areas to amuse myself. Generally you'll find a high strung person with lots of money and the guy who works there is telling the individual they don't need the most expensive computer just to send e-mail. Occasionally you run across a gem. One day I think I hit them all!

There's a man standing around looking at computer stuff, he has no clue what he's doing. I watch him wait and wait. Then he stops a guy whizzing by and says, "You guys must not work on commission around here..." The guy misses the big HINT and flys on by saying, "No, we sure don't!".

Moments later another guy flies by. "Can I get some help". Normally you might expect something along the lines of "I'll get somebody over here ASAP", but instead this guy zooms by with a "Sorry...with another customer...".

A third sales person approaches and seems oblivious to the poor guy.

I'm thinking the competitor down the street has a very happy customer now.

We had a good one here at work - myself and a colleague don't work in IT, but we enjoy it as a hobby. The downside of that is people using you as free support, but sometimes it's worth it.

Someone in our department had a problem with his personal laptop, bluescreen on boot into XP, same in Safe Mode. Tried a few things, no joy. Suspect a virus, he assures us that he has a virus scanner and it's up to date. Looked at the files using NTFS Reader from DOS - all files still there. Came to the conclusion that it was a corrupted disk, known shutdown bug in XP. Asked him about how often he updated his system via Windows Update, since the patch for this was released a long time ago. "What's Windows Update?" - oh dear!

Next stage, reading the manual for the laptop - run the Recovery Disk; ask the (l)user for this, hands us a floppy. Now, technology has progressed rapidly but I still think that the whole of XP plus bundled software on a floppy was expecting a lot.

Read a bit further in the manual - "To create your Recovery CD's, double-click on the 'Create Recovery Disks' on your desktop".

"I've never done that and I don't think that icon's there"

Great.

Finally get it going using Recovery Console from another XP CD, get into Windows and sure enough, there's the Recovery Disk icon! While we're there, notice that he DOES have a virus scanner - Norton 2002 HOWEVER the System Tray icon has a red cross through it! "Is that important?" "Hard to say" we reply, whilst clicking 'Enable'.

Frightening really, the people here are supposed to be above average (it's a research lab for a BIG multinational consumer goods company).

i got a call not ten minutes ago from one of the most precious treasures this world has ever known.... the network engineer.

he is using my companies wireless internet devices, and wants to know why we have an "email shortage." i asked him what he meant by that, and he replied "i keep trying to send out this email to all of my co-workers, but it won't upload the attachment i want. how much space do i get for email with your system?" i told him that we allow each user up to 5 mb. he then screams "well then how in the hell am i supposed to sent out this email!"

the attachment was a program. a 13 GIGabyte program...

Taken word for word off a website where users were giving feedback on the service for the ISP i work for

'I too have had several multi-month problems with *****, heres what i did: -1- THINK .... use a "search engine" to find crtc address (if you DONT know about search engines, visit www.google.com and type "search engine" into the text box......) '

And they wonder why techs eat their headsets

I recieved a call from a user that says he has an incorrect file to access the net - he stated it just brings up a regular window with settings.

I asked him what he was clicking on, and he said "It's called ethernet... it's not spelled right, and it doesn't work"

Apparently today is a holiday of which I was previously unaware. Day of the Duh.

So far, here's how our users have celebrated:

--User #1: does the exact opposite of what I say. (e.g., right-clicks instead of left-clicks. not once, mind you. more like 14-15 times in a row, despite my being right next to her saying LEFT click.) Then, when I tell her she needs to save a Crystal Reports file and open it locally rather than opening it from the email, she says "I've NEVER had to do that before. Why now?" Despite the fact that in her inital complaint, she clearly pointed out that she gets this file ONCE a year from our payroll service. Yeah, I'm sure your memory is that good so that you remember how you had to open it in years past. You can't even retain "left click" for 1 second!

--User #2: Said her monitor was out. Arrived at her desk and found that her laptop was not fully seated in the docking station. Fixed it and powered it on. She returned to her desk and I said it was all set, was powering up. She presses the power button on the laptop and it shuts down. I guess it wasn't that important that the monitor worked today after all.

--User #3: Calls for another user in her area who is too timid to call. Timid user claims her emails "magically" archived on their own and she needs it fixed. Explain that she should unarchive. They are already in that process but believe something is wrong and want me to check it out. I wait 1/2 hour, walk over, everything is back to normal. Just like I knew it would be. Sometimes the best solution is to wait for them to work it out on their own.

--User #4: CSR calls and says her PC is "wacko" "out of control" and she has "no mouse control at all." I tell her that there is probably spyware on her PC (common cuz the CSR's download EVERYTHING) send our intern down to run Ad-Aware. He returns and tells me the user was arguing with him that he hadn't really taken care of the problem because I told her she had "spiders" in her PC. She is afraid

of spiders and was worried they would attack her. The worst part was when she noticed the little bug symbol after Ad-Aware was done running and found spyware. She pointed to it indignantly and said to him, "SEE! I TOLD YOU! She said SPIDERS!"

And I just remembered, NO DRINKING the first two weeks of my diet, which I started yesterday. Blarg!

Computer stupidity also extends to online forums. I found this little gem in the forums at ngemu.com .

Quote:

--------------------------------

>USE THE FREAKING EDIT BUTTON.

Is it located in the user cp?

--------------------------------

Oh sure, you'll find everything you could possibly need to look for in the user control panel.

The edit button is actually at the bottom of each post. Geez... You'd think anyone smart enough to get on the internet, would be able read the damn screen, wouldn't you? Apparently, it seems not.

After reading about all the fun people have been having with CD-ROMs lately, here is my story...

I work for a small ISP, and get a call from this guy who just bought a computer from the local shop. He picked up our install CD, and was calling to get his password. During the cource of talking as he ran the CD his drive started getting so loud I heard it over the phone. It sounded like an engine reving up, and apparently made the whole case shake. The guy opened his CD-ROM, and our CD had shattered completely. Not broken, but shattered. I tell him to take the computer back and get a new drive, and to call if he has any problems there on out.

It gets better. He calls back to get his password again (he hadn't written it down), so I give it to him again and we chat while our CD installs. Out of nowhere I hear a loud *SNAP*, the guy go "Shit!" and something large fall over. I'm trying to get his attention to make sure the guy is ok, and he comes back laughing. Apparently his CD tray shot out and the drive cover flew out and hit him on the face, startling him and causing him to reel back in his chair.

He says he's taking the whole system back for one less deadly (said jokingly of course), and that he won't ask for the HiVal CD drives anymore.

And neither will I. At least he had them replaced for free.

The largest Wang support company in the country where I used to live (Southern Hemisphere) announced with great IT media coverage that they were restructuring the company and that the new whizz bang support division was to be renamed to fit in with the new image.

------- first call to support company - Day one of rename

Operator: Good morning Wang Care, how can I help.

Caller: Who the *#£! are you calling Wangcare.

---------------------------------------------------

Day 2 - Name change

I've been involved with computers since the friggin' Commodor 64. I'm sure you can imagine that I've seen A LOT of stupid things and talked to A LOT of stupid people in my time. One thing tat irks me that i've even seen posted here by a "tech"...people, please, your "boxy-looking-part of the computer" is NOT a modem. it is NOT a hard drive. it is the "CPU", the "box", hell even calling it "the computer" is perfectly OK. i can't count how many times i've had people call me up with a problem, i tell them to bring in their system so i can look at it, and they ask me if all they need is the "modem" or the "hard drive". in the nicest way possible i say "no i need the whole computer, just don't bring the keyboard, mouse, or monitor."

the post i saw here was from a gentleman on a camping trip and something abuot his daughter having problems with the computer. sir, i mean no disrespect, but i would like to let your daughter know she has every right to tease you about calling your PC a "hard drive". =)

now people asking if a subwoofer for a speaker system is the modem...(yes it has happened.)

I do data technical support for a large wireless provider in the US. I get a call and start asking the basic troubleshooting questions. I ask what version of windows are you running, the customer replies with confidence "Windows 98 NT"

I tell her there is no Win 98 NT and asked it it could possibly be 98SE or just Windows NT, she insists she is using Windows 98 NT. I ask her to hold, and just put her on mute, I start laughing and telling my coworkers, what she is telling me. I hear her talkin to her friend "He doesn't even know what Win 98 NT is...."

I cut it, when check the system version...Windows 98 SE.

I wanted to say "Oh, ok, so it IS win 98SE and NOT Win 98 NT" I resisted and got her problem resolved...

this isnt really a "tech tale" but it is related to helpdesk support. I do tech support for a major shipping company, im located in Canada and get the bulk of the calls from the US.

heres a few things that are beginning to drive me up the wall.

1.why cant americans seem to pronounce "recipient"?

literally everyone that i talk to says "recipiCANT"

2.Since when is a canadian province called a providence?

3.for the love of god its EDUCATION! NOT EDGEMACATION!

4.that tower that everything plugs into is NOT your modem, nor is it called the cpu. Thats your computer.

5.Currency basically means money. If your in the US, your currency is US dollars....not canadian dollars...not yen..........US dollars!

6.I cant fix your problem if you dont know what your problem is. Too many ppl call stating they want it fixed...right now! When you ask what the problem is..... they have no idea. Just expect you to wave your magic techie wand and.....poof?

7.How many network admins does it take to register for an online account?.......2 (couldnt seem to figure out that the user id they chose was already in use.....even though it said in big red letters on the screen). I wish I knew how some of these ppl get their positions?

8.If you get an error message stating "please enter a contact name" what do you think that means? Its complicated, i know............

9.AOL is NOT a good browser, the only ppl that like it are dumb end users. Try getting someone using AOL to go directly to a website, every time i get the same response "which one do you want me to click on?"

10.If your computer crashes randomly regardless of what your doing, chances are its not caused by our companies website.

11.Dont call me for support on our competitions product, I shouldn't have to explain why I cant help.

12.Number of times I was accused of trying to steal someones money after saying "ok, lets clear out your cache now".......2 (ppl panic before letting me explain what "cache" means)

i feel much bette

r now =)

It's been mentioned several times before, but, SOME PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ABLE TO USE COMPUTERS. I had a customer who needed some instance with some software installations. We were going through the installation I asked him if he had an icon on his desktop. He said he wasn't using his desktop, but was using his laptop. ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

Way back in August 2003, I told you about our air conditioned computer room. Well, the situation got even worse when someone decided to add another dual Sparc. This was deemed to make the room too hot, so they were both moved out ... only to be replaced by a pair of much bigger quad Sparcs. These, of course, only put out a kiloWatt each, rather than the excessive half kiloWatt of their baby cousins.

As a result of kicking up a major fuss, all the Sparcs are now out of the room, and the temperature is a mere 29 degrees (about 85F) Sheer luxury, and much less noisy too (I don't run the risk of losing my voice trying to talk to the person standing next to me)

Oh to be allowed to perform post-natal abortions on these (ab)users, or at least use a cattle prod. At least I'm now (offocially!) learning Aix sysadmin, so I can exact revenge through the *ix boxes as well as the windoze nyetwork.

This is a story from maybe 10 years ago but it still makes me smile today.

I'd developed a program that was being used by some of the police forces in the UK and I periodically sent out updates. One day I received a call from a customer saying that the latest update had broken his system and he couldn't see anything. I wasn't quite sure what he meant - "Well the window opens and everything but when I bring up a report it's just blank". I guessed I'd made some boob and the reports weren't be produced. I tried everything I could think of but I couldn't fix the problem nor could I reproduce it on my machine. Apologising profusely I agreed to drive 200 miles to the customer s site to try to sort things out - the system being kind of important to their job.

Arriving there I found the problem in about 10 seconds - the guy had set both his text and window colours to white!

Well, at least they paid my expenses for the trip.

I teach seventh grade Language Arts and incorporate as many technology skills as I can.

I am reminded of a time when my students were creating a project using Microsoft Word. I guess I took some things for granted as I gave my step-by-step instructions on formatting font.

I told the students to "right click on their blank document" so they could see the functions of the right click button.

A student raised his hand because the menu he was supposed to see did not appear on his page as it did on everyone elses. When I went to his computer, he had written the word "click" on his document. I guess "right/write" click can mean more than ONE thing. I had a very hard time keeping a straight face!

I have not taken anything for granted since then and now use the INFOCUS, so they can SEE the instructions!

SK

One of our local customers had a dial-up account with us. He called us because he was having trouble dialling in. So I started off asking the basic troubleshooting questions and everything seemed fine. Now this was getting a little odd since we set up the internet for him at our shop before it left here. Just when I started running out of ideas he said he heard a steady buzzing sound (dial tone? hehe). Then I clued in. He actually picked up the phone receiver, dialled our local dial-in number on it, then pressed the "Connect" button in his dialup connection window. That made my day! :)

I was reading about a tale relating to a fax machine, and it reminded me of somthing that happened to me many years ago.

About a decade ago, I used to work as a tech doing repairs from boom boxes to PCs. A local store nearby sent in a fax machine for repair. I forget what the problem was, but the most frequent problems then was dirty lenses and mirrors.

After completing the repairs, I would test it by sending and receiving a fax from our store machine, write up what was done, turn it off, unplug it and wrap up the cord.

When the fax was returned, we get a call back from the client indicating the fax machine is now dead. At first, I'm thinking it might be a burnt fuse, but how could that happen, as I just tested it a few hours ago.

I asked the client "Did you turn it on?"

Thats when lightbulbs went off. "Turn it on? How do you do that?"

Had client look in the back of the machine and turn on the switch.

Works great now!

I was a system manager for Publishing in the 80's when office computers were brand new and Hi-tech, through the early 90's and this helpdesk story was repeated widely in New York Systems circles!

It was at that time when computer networks were a new thing and floppy disks were changing over from 5 inch floppy's to the "new" 3 1/2. Smaller, with a colorful plastic cover and the ability to store a lot more information, they were considered state-of-the-art!

A technician for a publishing company that had just gotten brand new computers with the "new" floppy drives got this call.

Tech) Hello, how may I help you?

User) I have one of those new computers with the new floppy disks.

Tech)Yes? Is there a problem?

User) Well yes and no. I love these new disks, but I have a lot of problems with the packaging and I need to use a second disk because my boss wants me to give him a disk with some files on it so he can work over the weekend and I was wondering if there is an easier way to get them out of package?

Tech)(pause) Just open the box.

User) But I need a hammer

Tech) A hammer?

User) Yes to get it out of the packaging. And then to get it in and out of the drive I need to use my eyebrow tweezers. I don't know if he has eyebrow tweezers. Is there any other way to do this?

Stumped, the tech went onsite only to see that this woman had taken a hammer to the outside of the disk (the protective case)and had wiggled out the thin film inside and had been wiggling it in and out of the floppy drive with a pair of tweezers!

The thing that was so amazing was that the disk -- if you could call it that at this point -- had been dutifully reading, writing and copying data for this woman for the past 3 weeks!

Cheers!

From an old pro

For over a year I worked for the "Award Winning" tech support of an OEM computer company (that continues to outsource most of their tech support).

I got a call from a elderly gentleman living in Flordia, who was having some severe performance issues with his brand new system.

Tech:"What seems to be the problem sir?"

Man:"My brand new computer is running very slow."

Tech:"Is it just when you first turn it on, or is it when connecting to the Internet, or when you run a specific program?"

Man:"All the time. I can't understand why, I installed all the programs that came with it..."

For those of you who know about OEM computers, they generally come with all the software pre-installed right out of the box. The disks and CD's are there for diagnostic purposes, or to reinstall if something goes wrong. This man had thought he had to install every program that came with his computer from the OS to the programs he had ordered extra when they were already there. After several hours spent reformatting and reinstalling, I was able to get his PC working properly.

TNM

I work for an internet service tech support in Saint Louis area. I receieved a call today that words cant even describe!! After having the customer finally find the DSL modem that was connected to her computer. I had her read to me which lights were on and which were off. Sound easy right. Well not exactly this bi*** must be color blind and or stupid as a piece of shit cause the modems we support have all green lights. She told me that she had 2 lights that were green and the the other 1 was yellow and the ACT light was not even blinking. Ok maybe shes a complete retard and does not know colors but this one even made me have to put her on hold cause I was LMAO. She was getting sync on the modem she had the required program installed to connect to are service but was not getting out. So after about 10 mins of asking her questions and making sure that the NIC drivers were installed correctly I asked her if she had connected the yellow cable from the modem to the computer( CAT-5) Well... No I thought that was only if I was on a network. LADY what the f*** do you think the internet is its the biggest network in the world. After laughing for 3 mins cause I can't have customer on hold for any longer which I think should be changed to whatever we fell best. I had her connect the yellow cable to the modem and to the computer and what do you know she got a ACT light and she was up and surfing. As we speak she is to figure out how to use the microwave and is on the phone with the manufacuter to help her open the damn door or maybe she has the brains to open the door but does not have it plugged in !!!!! I will be snorting Draino for the next week!! Cyberman

I don't know if this story will make it to the boards or not. I am currently unemplyed and to make a little money I posted an ad at the local University stating that I can fix PC's. Well I get this call one day, stating that the (l)user couldn't get his computer to see the other two computers that were on the network. So I went over to the persons house and there were CAT5 network cables strewn everywhere, leading from one room to another. I took a look at the (l)users PC and found that his network cable had been swiped from his computer and put on another computer. Had I had the foresight to ask if he had a network cable running to his computer I wouldn't have had to go visit this guy. To this day him and I are friends and I still do tech work for him.

I did not include my e-mail back, as it was not kind... Considering this was my second try to get them to respond... Just look at the content they were responding to...

-----Original Message-----

From: vstech@viewsonic.com [mailto:vstech@viewsonic.com]

Sent: Friday, October 24, 2003 1:18 AM

To: xxxxxxxxxx

Subject: RE: Warranty Service Request [T2003102301AN]

Dear Mr. xxxxxx.

Thank you for your inquiry. We would need the following information to issue you an RMA for repair.

Name

Company Name

Phone#

Address

City

State

Zip Code

Email address

Serial number

A brief description of the problem you are having.

Best Regards

Helen .W.

ViewSonic Corp.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

-----Original Message-----

From: imc-reply@viewsonic.com [mailto:imc-reply@viewsonic.com]

Sent: Thursday, October 23, 2003 5:59 AM

To: xxxxxxxxxx@viewsonic.com

Subject: Warranty Service Request [T2003102301ANZ826186]

I am requesting warranty service on my G810 CRT monitor. About 3/4 inch to 2 inches from the right side, a 'flowing' black vertical line appears, 'smudging' the graphics. I run at 1280x1024, but at other resolutions and color depths, the problem becomes even more pronounced. It has been happening for a few months now and has started to get a bit worse. Attached is a fax of the original sales receipt from Insight, the reseller I ordered from. My information is found below. The monitor info is : G810, S#423021700786.

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Required:

The original dated sales receipt (include reseller name, address, phone #, product model, product serial number, and your name if applicable) Your name Your company name Your shipping address (no P.O. Boxes accepted) The serial number of the product A description of the problem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~

[[B0004544.TIF]]

xxxxxxxx

Network Analyst

[company name protected]

[address protected]

xxx.xxx.xxxx direct

xxx.xxx.xxxx fax

[e-mail protected]

I'm talking on the phone with a very stressed client, and she needed to bring in her machine to fix. Something that would take about 5 minutes max, but had to be done on site.

So I asked her when it would be best for her to bring her machine in and she says 1:00p and I say. "That's fine, I'll be here." and she counters with "that's not good for me". So then she offers another time, and I say "That's fine, I'll be here." and she replies again "that's not good for me." this repeats about 15 times before I say. "Just tell me what is best for you, just let me know what that is." and she says "I don't know if I can do that."

I'm the Library Tech at our school, and often deal with tech stuff since our area tech is only scheduled to be at the school one day a week.

One day, one of the teachers came to me and said that she couldn't get her new desktop computer to turn on. (Our teachers are getting desktops to replace their laptops.) She (and I) couldn't understand this as John, our tech, had just set the computer up the day before. I started to head down to her classroom with her, and I asked what happened when she tried to turn it on. "Well, I keep pressing the button on the monitor but nothing happens!!"

I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at her. "You didn't press the button on the CPU?" I asked, rather surprised as she should really know better. She got this "Oh, damn" look on her face, then laughed. Needless to say, I didn't have to go down to her classroom, and she told me later in the morning that the comp was working fine. (Her excuse was that the power button on the laptops was right under the monitor...Never mind every classroom has four desktops for the students to use and she's used those. )

Also needless to say, our tech was quite amused when I relayed the story to him.

A good friend of mine was called upon to help with the specs of a new PC that someone wanted to order. This friend of mine looked over the list that was thrust in front of him, and noticed that there was a blinding error: the (l)user hadn't specified a CPU.

When my friend queried the (l)user about it, he was asked "Oh. Is that important?"

I was playing a bit with a net send command and I accidently send message "This computer will explode in 10 seconds" to a computer, which was my brother working on. So, after I send the message, I heard a loud scream. I went to my brother's room and saw a chair laying on the floor and my brother hiding behind a closet...

I've been at university for a few weeks now and I've already got a reputation for being the computer guy. Anyway, one of my flat mates couldn't get his computer onto the uni network. After about half an hour of checking the card was installed etc I realise that he hasn't plugged the cable into the network socket in his room! Just goes to show that you don't need to be intelligent to get into uni.

I work for a software company that sells it's software to

Real Estate boards. Out job is to support the Real Estate

agents when they have issues, questions etc..

Well my co-worker is on the phone now with some old woman

who needs help doing something, the basic how do I.

After some going back and forth with this women (her not listing to his instructions ) He finally said "if you knew

what you were doing you wouldn't be calling us."

Needless to say this made my night

I bought a copy of The Hulk for PC. Everything was working fine, but then the sound would cut out and the game would start lagging. I E-Mail Universal, and they ask for a Direct X diagnostic. I give it to them, and then they start pointing out different video card problems in several other E-Mails. After fixing all of them and toning down sound acceleration, it works better, but I still have the same problem. I then figured that since the SOUND was cutting out, I should update my sound card drivers, and lo and behold! Problem Fixed! And you thought AOL support was bad...

-I also noticed that Windows was installed on a can crusher!

Working in the IT dept. of a local high school I one day got a call from the secretary who insisted that 'all the letter keep falling off my screen'.

After 5 minutes trying to fathom out what the hell she was on about I went down to see her. The dozy cow had was resting a stapler on the backspace key...

Being the only techie at my company, I have to share my office with another department. The manager of that department has no patience whatsoever, and has no clue about computers.

Once in a while, when the computer does not what he wants the computer do for him he rages about "not having time for all this". When he does, I ignore him because if he wants help, he can ask for it, nicely!

At one time when he lost his patience, points at his screen and yells "what is this!"

With one word I got him to shut up:

"a monitor!"

I've been building computers since the early 90's, figuring the best way to learn about them was hands-on. Started with a AMD 386-DX40, worked my way up several iterations of 486's, before moving into a Intel Pentium layout.

Because I needed money for college (and my PCs), and since I'm a packrat, I decided to re-configure and sell my older PCs. Not having a commercial outlet, I sold them at neighborhood garage sales. I even tossed in 2 hours of free technical support with each one, thinking the purchaser would be local to the town I lived in. This would come back to haunt me.

A neighbor down the street purchased one of the machines, to send to another state for her brother. Her daughter was heading that way anyway, and took the computer in her car. She did not secure it in any way, just placed it in the back of her station wagon, thinking it wouldn't shift during transit. (10 hour journey, BTW)

Almost to her destination, she runs over a tree (!) in the road, the resulting jolt breaking her rear axle (!!). I receive a call a day later from her uncle, saying the computer doesn't work (!!!). Keeping in mind, the PC was not secured in any way, in the back of a station wagon that has just had it's axle broken going over a tree...

Needless to say, I was not hopeful that the machine would work properly... But, after using up most of the free time I had offered for tech support, we had opened the case, reinserted all the cards (video, sound, modem had ALL come loose)and reinserted the CPU (only partially out of the socket). While I crossed my fingers, the customer powered up the machine... and it worked! (Whew) After determining that the resulting errors on the screen refered to loose ribbon cables, I had the customer power down, reattach the cables, and restart the machine. This time, it booted into Win95 without complaint.

The amazing thing is that for the first time EVAH!, Win95 recognized the internal modem as a MODEM, and not a "Unknown ISA device" or so

mesuch (been years, don't remember the exact message) - I usually had to wrestle with the drivers for awhile to get the modem to set up properly. Guess the jolt knocked some sense into it!

Peace--

*SIGH*

I was just (about 5 minutes ago) entering in a hillarious call I received this morning, a hillarious end-user story, and had spent quite some time jotting down the conversation, (it was about 2 pages of text) when Internet Explorer crashed on my PC. Mozilla is up & running on my Sun workstation & I think I heard it laugh at me when it happened. *SIGH* I hate you, Microsoft.

Mitch

I work for a large shipping company doing helpdesk support for the companies website. Every call we recieve has to be logged.

Here is the notes of one of my co-workers on a call he recieved that seemed pretty cut and dry to me.

cust is having problems with adding a new

company name which is general electric. He stated

that it not accepting the company name. Told cust

to logout and login again told him to not put spaces

or dashes for the phone number. Cust stated that he will

callback if he has anymore problems, and gave him the

case number.

do you see anything wrong here?

well needless to say, guess who gets a call back from this guy, who has now called in for the second time (and is rather pissed), and has been working on the same problem for almost an hour.

the error message he recieved is as follows "please enter a valid company name, company name must be at least 3 characters." The company name he was entering was GE (general electric).

How the f00k is that so hard to understand, and fix?

i can see why the user could be confused....they always are.

How the tech support agent (my co-worker) couldnt figure that one out is beyond me.

If only we were in the same call center so i could smack him upside the head, and hopefully get his fat lazy hampster back on its wheel.

I m a programmer. One Friday evening I was frantically working on an emergency change to an important program that had to go in that night for the weekend run. The code was in, it had been tested, everything looked good. I then ran the in-house utility that we used to ship code off to production. KABOOM.

What the hell? I d been using that utility for a long time, and it had never failed before. I pulled the code for the utility out of the source library and had a look. Huh it had been changed that very day (the first time it had been changed in years). No e-mails had been sent out warning us of the change, either. I was not impressed.

I was even less impressed a minute later when I discovered that the reason for my KABOOM was a typo in one of the changed lines of code. That was easy to fix, and after that I could ship my program off to production with no problems. However before I left for the weekend, I had one more task to do.

*ring, ring*

Senior Programmer ( John ): H lo?

Me: Hi, John you made some changes to the Blah Blah utility today, eh?

John: That s right.

Me: Why didn t you send out an e-mail?

John: No need they were just minor changes that would be completely transparent to the programmers.

Me: Really? Did you know you had a typo?

John (not really interested): Oh, yeah?

Me: Yeah. The kind of typo that makes the utility CRASH and BURN.

John: Is that right?

Me: YES! Did you by any chance test it before you put it in the main library?

John: Of course not.

Me: Why NOT?

John: Because the changes were so simple, I didn t need to test them.

I don t remember if I said goodbye to him before I hung up and started banging my head on the table.