Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

We've all gotten the customer who thinks that he or she knows what the problem is and all we should need to do is tell them how to fix it. So this luser calls me yesterday and he's already diagnosed the problem himself. He tells me "Your scanner software shut my computer down, and now I can't get back into it!" Now, getting him to elaborate a little further, he explains that he had installed our printer a couple of days ago and today he tried scanning for the first time. "In the middle of scanning," he says. "The computer crashed and now it won't come back up." I eventually discover that the scan had completed and the crash happened while he was trying to send the picture to another location on his computer. Now, it's highly unlikely that the scanner software is what caused the crash and it's impossible that the scanner software was keeping him from booting back up. I explain that he might have to call the manufacturer of his computer, but he's having none of that. "Your f**king software caused my system to crash and you're going to help me get it back up!" he yells at me. After a while he says "Listen, I've called three times now and none of you are willing to help me! Now if you're going to waste my time, I've gotta go soon and I'm just gonna hang up!" That was all I needed to hear. "Thankyouforcalling[my company]haveaniceday!" I said and pressed the release button.

Years ago my nephew was taking draftin in school and wanted to try CAD. I managed to find a good little CAD program for him for cheap, and installed it on my sister's old computer, checked to make sure it ran, and said to him "There you go, one free CAD program."

My nephew asks how to use it, and not having any experience actually running CAD, I tell him I have no idea, but hand him the manual. He looks at me and says "I'm not going to read that to find out." and walked away, a very annoying comment, and I always wondered where the brat got that kind of attitue.

About a year ago I convinced my sister to part with her old 486 and move to a slightly newer pentium I had laying around. The machine ran great, and was much faster than the 33 mhz job she used to have. Since she and the family could now actually produce something, her kids all pitched in for Christmas and bought her a new color printer to go with it.

On boxing day, I get a phone call from her telling me about the printer. I ask her what kind it is, and she tells me it's a compaq printer, and wants to know if it will work with her pc seeing how it's an NEC. I tell her it will be okay, even though I have never seen a compaq printer before, but she seemed hesitant.

After reassuring her that a printer is a printer, she finally gets around to asking me how to install it. I explain to her to simply read the instructions that came with it, and if there were any problems, she could call me and I would try to solve it, if necessary I would drive to her place (50km out of the city in a small town)to debug it if the install failed.

At that time my sister says to me "I don't want to read all that stuff to get it installed, can't you just come out here to do it?"

After I finished gagging in shock, I politely told her that most new printers came with a quick start guide that had lots of big pictures, and just follow that. I'm kind of busy now, bye-bye.

Working New Years Day...Bored out of my mind...and I get this:

M = Me

C = Customer

M: *ISP NAME*, This is Steve, how can I help you?

C: I called a few days ago and wanted to get internet, but the guy I talked to said I should look for another service because you don't support Microsoft Workstation.

*At this point, I wondered if it was because he was an id10t that my colleague told him that*

M: Microsoft Workstation? Do you mean Microsoft Windows NT 4 Workstation?

C: No, I don't have Windows. Only Microsoft Workstation.

*Now I knew for sure why he was told what he was told...*

M: Ok. Unfortunately we do not support Microsoft Workstation. We support Windows 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, and MacOS 7 through 10. So you could sign up with us, however the setup would have to be done by you on your own.

C: Ok, how much is it?

M: *tells him our dial up rates*

C: Ok, I need that in DSL

M: Well, DSL would be a whole different thing, sir. *Tell him the DSL rates*

C: So I can get hooked up tonight?

M: Unfortunately, there is a 6-8 week waiting period for all DSL orders. This is mostly because we have to go through your phone company to set it up.

C: How can I get set up tonight?

M: We can sign you up for a dial up service. If you give us a credit card or checking account for automatic withdrawal, we can have you up and running by tonight.

C: But, you see, I can't have the phone tied up. I need the DSL.

M: Well, unfortunately, sir, I cannot have you up and running with DSL by tonight.

*At this point, I have to place him on hold to pick up calls in queue that were accumulating. I get back on the phone with him and the last few lines above are repeated about 3 more times*

C: So should I get another phone line?

M: That is strictly up to you sir. If you do not want to have your current line tied up, then it would be wise to do so, or go

with something like DSL or Cable

*I realise this is a mistake, because we go back and forth again about the inability to have DSL up and running by night's end*

After all this, the guy tells me he'll call back when he has a new phone line. I have pity on whichever one of my coworkers deals with him when (if) he does...in my experience, I will talk to him next anyway....

Hello Tiny Cherry Corp., how can I help you?

Well, my pc broke today, how do I fix it?

What program is not working?

Not the programming, the pc. My cup holder quit working.

Cup holder??? What does that have to do with us?

Well I got a program that shoots out a cup holder out of my pc. And today it stopped working.

Does you cup holder have a blinking light and button on it??

Yes,, you have one too??

Yes sir I do. But I only use mine every now and then.

So how do I fix it?

You can either call the people that sold you the pc, or you could pop off the "any" key and glue it to the cup holder for support.

Ok, thanks, where is the "any" key??

You don't have an "any" key? You should send the pc back for a refund. Have you thought about purchasing our hacker hardware?

What is that?

It is a thin metal material that you can wrap around your head to keep hackers out. It is only $39.99 for a 12 foot roll.

Ok, thanks. You really do know everything. Bill me.

While working in the support group for a well known firewall company, I received a call from a gentleman who just couldn't get his newly-purchased firewall to work. Despite the company policy that we were not to help people do initial installations (a task much better suited to a consultant who would presubably be more familiar with the customer's environment)I decided that I'd do my best to help this obviously frustrated customer.

I asked him to tell me the IP address and subnet mask for the 2 interfaces on the firewall, and after taking far to long to get him to a command prompt and type "ipconfig /all" he tells me that the addresses are x.x.x.1 and x.x.x.2 with a mask of 255.255.255.0. I very calmly explained to him that a firewall is desinged to act as a gateway between networks and that the interfaces should be on 2 different subnets.

His reply: "What's a subnet?"

I used to do technical support for DSL through SBC. I had this one lady call in and ask, "Who is my ISP?" She should have heard the name about 8 times by the time she got to me. The number is 1-877-SBC-DSL5. Then the call tree pounds SBC into your brain on every menu option. Then I answer the phone, "Thank you for choosing SBC internet services. My name is Nathan. Could I please have your DSL telephone number?"

I used to work at a large retail computer chain in Seattle. When I first started I worked behind the "Upgrade Counter". I had half a foot in the tech services area and half on the sales floor. Selling components to customers and explaining to them exactly what they were buying. On occasion we had someone bring in a component and ask what it was.

The below situation was the one that took the cake for me.

Me: Hi, what can I do for you?

Customer: Can you tell me what speed modem this is?

(customer lays component on counter)

Me: Let me go check...

I grabbed the component from the counter and headed back to the tech area. As soon as the door closed behind me I burst out laughing. The guy had just handed me a phone cable with a noise suppressor on it. One of the techs had to go out and answer his question for me because I couldn't keep a straight face.

I just got the "any key" call.

I work for an OEM that was once the worst POS in existence...YES eMachines.

These are now very decent systems (check out the t2200 sometime).

I recieved a call where this person was restoring his HDD..he was at a screen that told him to "press any key to continue"..he called me to ask what he should do.

I'm a secretary with just enough confidence around computers to have become software support to everyone within shouting distance (and then some) from my desk. I'm not a nice enough secretary not to let people know that some of their questions bring me to tears. Things like, "When I'm done with this data entry that will take me probably four hours to do, do you think I should save the file? Really? How do I save a file in Excel? I only know how to save in Word." I do put my head down on my desk and pray for guidance, since the asker in this scenario was a fairly senior manager.

I do have to say, though, that in spite of my enduring respect for those in the tech support professions, I do feel rather doubtful of those who rant and rave here about the idiots and nitwits while smugly glorying in their own vast "cumputor" skills. Honestly, I would have to wonder if your "cumputor" and my "computer" are even the same beast, and if you might try to breed them together what would happen...

I'm in Tech Support and it's so amazing the people I talk to have little, or no commen sense whatsoever. I'm sure you've all heard the stories where people think their CD Rom is a coffe-Cup Holder and snap it, or spill it inside, but this one is quite different. I didn't have this particular call, my collegue did, but it couldn't go umentioned.

My poor mate spent almost an hour trying to get a backup file off a disk (3.5 inch) so it could be restored. When, in the end, the customer was trying to put it in her CD-ROM driver and read it from that. What's worse than THAT though, is that she was trying to access it from her Desktop computer, when she was putting the disk in her Laptop computer (not networked)...... Jaws dropped around the office with that one.

An employee comes to me telling me his computer couldnt connect to the network, he was getting a "no signal" error displayed on his monitor. His computer was turned off.

Another employee thought "their computer was broken". Turned out the internet explorer homepage had been changed to something they weren't used to seeing.

Another employee couldnt get pornography off of his screen.... the close window button was positioned behind another window.

Yet another employee at our workplace came to me, telling me her BIOS was broken. I told her that was just plain silly but she insisted that her BIOS was broken and she needed a new one. So I walk in and take a look at her computer... Nothing is wrong. She shows me how she was trying to view images off a cd but they woudnt open. I open the cd drive and take out a cd so badly scratched it looked like someone had taken to it with a screwdriver. "Oh.... but I was sure the problem was with my BIOS" I get when I tell her she needs to get a new CD.

My cousin, also a computer tech told me of how he had a girl call for his help. She had started dragging an icon across the screen but the mouse had reached the edge of the mouse pad. She didnt know what to do.

I was working as a salesman at Office Depot when I got this cautious customer.

Customer: Hi, I'm looking for a computer for my kids.

Me: Alright, do you know exactly what you are looking for or are you trying to decide?

Customer: Well it's for my kids, so I want something not to expensive, but something they can do whatever they want on.

Me: Have you ever heard of eMachines?

Customer: No, whats it about.

Me: Well this one has a DVD-ROM, CD Burner, Modem, Network Card

Customer: CD Burner? Is that safe? This is for my kids you know.

Me: Sir thats just a technical term for a cd writer.

Customer: Well I don't want anything that can burn my kids on my computer do you have one that doesnt have one of these?

So, its my usual day, working a close at the home town ISP when i get a call from a user who has had mis modem drivers destroyed by and usualy succesfull installer. Well, is tart going through the usual, reinstalling removing, tcp ip, all that crap.finnially i ask him if thiers anny where he can take it and he says no then ask me if we can do it in the registry. So off course i say no, and happen to ask him if he had everplayed with his registry.

He had, by the guiding light of Windows Tweaking pages. The kid had done so much tweaking that he couldnt acces the dos prompt, couldnt pull files off his restore disk and couldnt creat a modem driver.

I later explained to him, that if you play with fire, you get burned, and that thier was nothing we could do for him.....and the best part, he was tweaking his system to try and get better pings on online games....ahhhh the classic copper tweak.

They need warnings on those sites that say "Use and DIE"

Back in the days when DOS was king, and people worked from the command line, I witnessed a classic example of "people unclear on the concept." I was at Radio Shack getting some hardware and software for my Tandy 1000SX computer when another customer came in and told one of the salesmen he needed a bar-code reader for "one of those computers," a 1000SX like the one I owned. The salesman explained that Radio Shack didn't have a bar code reader, but offered to give him the names of a couple of compaines that made them. The customer insisted that Radio SHack must have a bar-code reader; why else did the 1000SX have a bar-code reader port installed? He was pointing at the port labled "light pen." When I left 20 minutes later the poor salesman was STILL trying to explain the difference between a light pen (a precursor--pun intended--to the mouse) and a bar code reader.

First off, I'd like to say that I do not wish to get the Tech Tales "TechTale of the month", because this story is in no way hilarious. I was a big pain in the rear end.

I'm an ex-college student (graduated this December) and over the past 2 summers, I've worked for my local school system (which I also graduated from) as a computer technician. Keeps me from just vegging out in front of my computer.

Anyways, this school district decided to make a huge system upgrade over the summer. Over 370 identical Compaq computers were purchased for the buildings throughout the city. Nice machines, I have no problem with them. The company we purchased them through had a special offer. We were sent 2 machines, and we assembled the software we wanted on them, then sent them back. Then the company would use those 2 machines as the basis for the rest...almost. Some 50 computers were not done this way. Instead, they came with the manufacturers setup.

Over the course of approximately 1 month, myself and another technician had the task of setting up these 50 machines in a lab at the high school. I'll try to go over this step by step:

Step 0: We have do move some 100 old machines (monitors, computers and printers) in this lab off of desks so we would have room for the new computers.

Step 1: 1st group of 25 machines (with monitors) are delivered. We have to move them from the main loading dock to a lab 4 floors up. This process alone took us the better part of a 6.5 hour day.

Step 2: We setup the computers on decks. Another tech began to build a prototype machine for us to Ghost off of. We then Ghosted.

(Touch count: 25 machines- 1 time each)

Step 3: Next 24 machines arrive (we were shorted one). We have to move these machines the same 4 floors.

Step 4: We begin ghosting the second set.

(Touch count: 49 machines- 1 time each)

Step 5: We are told that for the DHCP setup, the machines need to have their serial number and Mac address re

corded. There goes another day of work.

(Touch count: 49 machines- 2 times each)

Step 6: After doing the serial numbers and Mac addresses we are told we should remove the Windows OEM stickers from every machine, so kids can't use the Windows XP and Windows 2000 keys (being Ghosted, these numbers would remain unused).

(Touch count: 49 machines- 3 times each)

Step 7: The company doing the ghosting delivers 51 more computers for the lab. We now have to do serial numbers, Mac addresses and stickers for each of these machines.

(Touch count: 49 machines- 3 times each)

(Touch count: 51 machines- 1 time each)

Step 8: The teacher that will actually be teaching in the lab comes in, and tells us we have more software that was not installed before that must be on every machine in the lab.

Also, in the process of Ghosting the first 49 machines, a program called SysPrep was placed on the initial machine. It is designed to strip something away from Windows 2000 that if discovered could allow a user to hack into any machine in the district. It also does something that incrases sound playback by 10%, so music is too fast and high pitched, and any speech sounds like the person was sucking on a helium balloon.

To make this long step short, we have to Ghost all the machines all over again.

(Touch count: 49 machines- 4 times each)

(Touch count: 51 machines- 2 times each)

Note: I was going back to college at this point, so the step's listed below I will not be able to participate in, but I know they must happen.

Step 9: Not all the software we needed to install could be installed. 2 pieces were missing serial numbers, and one was on order. So, if I was still working there, I would most likely have to Ghost all these machines again

(Touch count: 49 machines- 5 times each)

(Touch count: 51 machines- 3 times each)

Step 10: An all new networking system was put into place for this lab, and the delivery of several hubs was pending when I left

, so someone is going to have to go to every machine, and set it up with a name on the network.

(Touch count: 49 machines- 6 times each)

(Touch count: 51 machines- 4 times each)

Tell me, do you see something wrong with this picture??

I built myself a brand new computer for a Christmas present this year, which also included a much bigger and faster hard drive than the last one I had. I read that to make full use of the hard drive's increased speed I needed an Ultra ATA IDE 66/100 ribbon cable. I looked for one online, but found that the shipping was almost as much as the cable. Since I wasn't in any hurry (the cable that came with the motherboard works pretty well), I thought I would look around locally and see if I could find a place that carried it. I was in a large retail store doing some after Christmas shopping with my husband when I saw that this particular retailer had a rack of various computer components. A sales girl noticed me looking through what they had and asked if she could help me find anything.

I said, "Yes, I'm looking for an Ultra ATA IDE ribbon cable."

She said, "What?"

I repeated, "I'm looking for an Ultra ATA IDE ribbon cable, with three 40-socket connectors."

She asked me, "What's that?"

I explained, "It's a cable that connects your hard drive to your motherboard."

She looked at me and said, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't sell software here."

Why do the correct answers to questions only come out the second time you ask them? Example:

Me: What kind of cable modem do you have?

Them: The one you gave me.

Me: Okay, so what kind of cable modem do you have?

Them: Surfboard.

Me: Did you restart the cable modem?

Them: Yes.

Me: How did you restart it?

Them: Uh... I don’t know.

Me: Is this modem connected directly to the computer?

Them: Yes.

Me: So it’s not going through any kind of hubs, switches, routers or networks of any kind?

Them: Well, it’s on a router.

Me: Are you getting a routable IP address?

Them: Yes.

Me: What is it?

Them: 169.254....

This isn't a computer tale, but I think it's quite amusing...

I work as a broadcast engineer for a very large international broadcaster (radio, that is, we've got nowt to do with telly) and one of the things we deal with on a regular basis is setting up ISDN-lines for programme contributions. For those of you not familiar with how this works - both ends need a codec (coder-decoder), and it kinda helps if the codecs use the same algorithms. We get any amount of ID10Tic problems every day, but this one which happened a couple of years ago really takes the biscuit...

This American radio-station were trying to connect to us and as they weren't having much luck they finally decided to give us a call. First mistake - so-called 'engineer' over there won't let me help him, since I'm a girl I obviously don't know anything about technical stuff. Oh dear. Point out to him that I am the person in charge of ISDN-lines that day, if he wants help he'll just have to trust me. I tried getting the settings of his codec so we could match it up with our equipment, but he seemed to think I'd started talking Martian and just kept asking whether we could see him or not. We tried every codec we possess (LOTS!) in the vain hope we might stumble across one that happened to do the same algorithm as his, but although we could indeed 'see' a connection we could not get it to frame. This isn't really uncommon when connecting to USA as (sorry guys, but it's true) they always have to do things just that little bit different from everybody else. Finally, after about 20 minutes of exasparated trial-and-error (and several more questions about whether we could 'see' him) the guy in the States blurted out 'I'm standing in front of the camera and waving my arms, are you sure you can't see me?' WTF??!!?? It turned out that he had a VIDEO-codec, as used for television - any broadcast-techie worth his or her salt knows that codec-algorithms used for audio and video are totally different! Why on earth the guy thought it was a good to u

se a video-codec when connecting to a RADIO-station I do not know, but he certainly stopped commenting on my technical knowledge when I pointed out what the problem was. O revenge, thy taste is sweet...

Last year I was in a computer hardware class, and my teacher was discussing what to do if the case is open and you drop one of the screws into the innards of the computer (something that has happened to nearly everyone who has dealt with interior hardware.) He said, "Use a magnet to get the screw out." I just stared at him with a blank face after he said that.

(I would have liked to see him test his theory in class!)

I work in a company with around 200+ users so it is not all so uncommon to hear the call My Outlook has crashed . This instance has to be the best crash I ever saw. A user called shortly before lunch complaining that he could not do anything in Outlook but everything else seemed ok. I told him I would stop by after lunch and check it out. After looking at his system Outlook was in fact frozen up .then I noticed that the CD Rom light was continuously blinking. After further discussion with the user it turned out that earlier that day I had fulfilled a request to burn a CD of Power Point Presentations to send to a customer and that was just what this user was doing...all 450mb!

Guess I was wrong when I assumed that the user was intending to mail the CD .not email!...go figure!

The general stupidity level of people in this world is truly amazing. I work for a fairly large sized cable ISP covering large parts of 3 states and pieces of other states. Here are some things that I commonly come in contact with.

1)me: Thank you for calling XXXXXXXX, how can I help you today.

cust:I can't get online.

me: Ok, what city are you in? (we have over 72 cities we cover)

cust: Louisiana.

me: What CITY are you in?

Cust: LOUISIANA!

me: No, what CITY are you in?

Cust: Oh...XXXXX

After this kind of beginning, you KNOW it's going to be a long call.

2)Another thing I get is customers who call up freaking out because they get this warning message that pops up telling them that their computer is broadcasting an IP address, this message includes their ip address and says they need to purchase their product to protect themselves as people may be breaking into their computer at this very moment. Now anyone who knows anything about the internet has probably seen this popup ad, but there are people who get truely scared when they see this.

Well, I may post more in the future, it's almost time to go home.

Sometimes it's not so much the user as it is the tech supervisor. This call had been going on for a while (mine usually do, but they they hardly ever have to call back, either); I get a signal to put the caller on mute for a second, so I tell the caller my supervisor wants to check on my progress & that I'll be right back. Said supervisor is red in the face, why is the ?#$! call taking so long. Oh, no REAL reason, I tell him...just that the caller is having his account set up for the first time (a LOT of information to input into the database, and at the time we were having to write all this down and THEN enter it into the new db as well). Did I mention the caller was running NT4? And that he knew next to nothing about it? Or computers in general? And I was having to set up Outlook Express since it was a new account after all, which he knew even less about? And that he wanted his yahoo (which at the time did POP for free) to come into it as well? Did I mention that his modem wouldn't activate? Did I mention that he used to be on cable connection? And that no one had ever put the original dialup modem back in to the computer? Did I mention that even the Supervisor, who is also the System Administrator running NT4 & 2000 Servers, didn't 'think to mention' that there is a certain box that I've never had to mess with on any other systems...a box that HAS to be checked? Good thing some pages have screen shots; the guy called back to finish setting up his account once he got a regular modem put in. The same guy that thinks his 'desktop' is the same as his homepage....

AOL users...well, got used to finding out if they were or had been, right after name/username info; one woman called in screaming at tech support because her 'neighborhood' had disappeared! Network Neighborhood? Couldn't be, this woman had to be told to left double click, no way she'd know anything like THAT. Her negihborhood...lots of questions later, trying to figure it all out of course, it comes up that she had just switched from AOL...her neighborhood, home screen, keywords...ah, well, welcome to the REAL internet!

Another woman calls in, already screaming, and loudly; says her computer is "possessed" & that she doesn't have any of her nerve pills to take. I tell her that I can tell. I also tell her to quit screaming in my ear, if she would be so kind, as I've already brought my volume down as much as possible on my headset. I get her calmed down, semi anyway, enough to get her username & real name so I can look to see if there are any records of her calling in before. As I'm looking for any records, I'm multi-tasking like a good tech, asking her what OS she's running ("No, ma'am, not what kind of computer you're running, what type of Operating System; Windows 95, 98, 98SE, ME...Millenium, NT...a Mac?") "I'm telling you all you need to know, the computer is possessed!!" She starts her screaming again. "Ma'am, please, you will have to stop the screaming; if you don't, I'll have to transfer the call to a supervisor & you will have to give them the same information that I've already gotten plus the rest of what I'm asking." This calms her jets...a little...enough that I find out that she shouldn't be calling us anyway--we handle dialup/connection problems, & sometimes a clash with proxies or whatever, set up email, that sort of thing. Her problem? SHE surfed somewhere while online that put a cookie in her computer that would go off even if she was NOT online; kept popping up. So, it's slow, & I'm in charitable mood; I explain to her exactly what we need to do, even tho we do NOT support this type thing

--AND what cookies do! Takes 25-30 minutes for the usual, "No, ma'am, like I said, LEFT...DOUBLE...CLICK." etcetera...get her to clear her cookies. She's on the same phone line as her computer is, she goes to dial out, we get disconnected. Unfortunately, not for long. She calls back, evidently having had just enough time to get to her home page once she connected. Now, I am well aware that certain sites like Yahoo & Excite, etc., have customizable pages...which is done by cookies...that's why I EXPLAINED that to her BEFORE. Her customized page is gone (Well, ma'am, if you had logged back in, it would have reset the cookie; I did explain this to you when we talked earlier.) Of course, it didn't matter that I had went to great lengths to explain it all to her...nor that the offending item was no longer popping up...nor that WE did not send her to nor operate the site she went to that put the cookie in that was doing even off-line popups on her computer. I basically told her thanks for calling, and that I had done much more than was allowed as it was, and that any further complaints should be directed to the web site she went to; and then I thanked her for calling, putting all this & bit more in the database for other techs to see, and hung up.

Did I mention that was a hard place to work at as a tech? Virtual ISP kind of thing; number rings thru, shows the company, but there's about 30 companies that use the tech support as if it's theirs. Each of them have different names, different settings, some with proxies/filters, some with both, some with 'reps' that sell the product. 'Reps' are the absolute WORST user to call! Rep calls, for himself; it doesn't get worse unless they've been messing with someone's computer before calling us (or actually learning how to install the simple dialer, or in his case the cd that did it ALL?!). Not about that; not a dialup problem, not a surfing problem, either. Obviously going to have to be one of those, "I'm sorry, Sir, but as I'm sure you're aware, we don't support that."

He is having problems with not being able to "get anyone under my right leg". HUH? (Yes, sounded like a personal problem to me, too.) English is not this man's first language, either. Supervisor is taking this call, on speakerphone, for training purposes, even; this man is MSCE etc etc...and he has NO idea what the caller is talking about. Until the man mentions downline & commissions. It's a 'Rep' issue; and he knows, he's been told by the COMPANY itself, NOT to call us about things like that, that we do NOT support it at that number. They have a basic pyramid shape of Reps, users, etc. He can't get anyone onto the right side of his pyramid as he's signing people up.

Man called in, reasonably computer literate, but leaves the room for a second (I forget now exactly why) while my coworker is in the middle of the call with him. I'm standing by the cubicle asking about the look on his face, so he's telling me about the call while the guy is off doing who knows what. Guy comes back in. Tech hits the speakerphone. Why? So I can listen...hopefully with my hand over my mouth. See, the guy left the room; his kid didn't. Kid had a piece of bologna in his hand. Kid sees open cd drive. No, I don't know how he got it to close...but he did. Dad comes back into the room and is trying to get my coworker to tell him what to do about this new problem. "I'm sorry, Sir, but using needle nose pliers would void the warranty; we can't possibly tell you what to do in this situation, we don't cover...." Tech just stops, so he won't start laughing. Guy is panicking, "But I got to do something, I can smell it starting to COOK!" Ah, well! *L* Tech got to go on break early, after all, not much use trying to do what he was trying to do earlier...needed the cd drive! *L*

It's been a while, but there was a couple of days downtime for a bunch of the UUNET connections one time; believe it or not, a chopper got it's blades too close to some wires, and well, stuff happens. Took down quite a large section of the UUNET lines. LOTS of calls that day; long ones, because of course every single caller had to be told why the call wait was so long ("Well, because we're having to explain to every caller why the call wait is so long. Then we have to explain what the problem is.") Okay, so the calls are being a pain, more than usual...then I get a call for a certain ISP, which surprised me, hadn't even had a call from anyone with their ISP, small company, not many users yet, that sort of thing. Wife of the owner of the ISP. Explain about having to explain to everyone else. Explain what happened. Give estimated time of resolution, and why. Fine? No. Because, "I am one of the owners of this company!" What does that have to do with a chopper cutting lines? She must think there's a special bypass or something for 'important people', who knows. Oh, her important, couldn't wait problem that she needed to get on the net for? Online shopping.

Not his computer. Not at her house with it, either. Took it to his house. She's not there, though. Doesn't know her username, either. Oh, so he's been doing this a while, just give him the information. Fine. Email settings, no problem; even asked if it was Outlook, Netscape, whatever (I was main Netscape person, duh). No, no, neither, he'd handle it from there. She calls back. Tech support sucks, they can't do anything right. He got the settings but they aren't working. Get her username. Repeat the settings, all of them. Double confirm the settings...or try to. She says that's all she needs & hangs up. Was trying to explain to her about the username properties & all (she'd given wrong one, among other things). HE calls BACK; tech support sucks, they didn't help her at ALL. Explained to him, yes, 'they' did...and *I* should know, I'm the one that took her call...AND HIS. Drag it out of him the name of the email program, have to pull screen shots as well as supervisor off to side. Find out that it's an obscure email program, to say the least...not really that hard to set up, tho...if you know what you're doing. He does not...obviously. Also explain to him exactly what I told her, and that she wouldn't wait to get the information and refused to tell me the name of the program when she called...and that I would be more than happy to let him talk to a supervisor...who would tell him the same thing. He declines, but still wants to argue about it all...I explain it all to him again then TELL him that I am switching him to supervisor, who I was sure could be of more help. (Supervisor tells him I told him exactly right. Duh.)

Linux user; asks for email settings, writes them down, confirms they're right, says it's Linux & he doesn't need any more help but thanks for the offer he's got it under control. And he did, he never called back.

Trying to get enough information to look the user up in the database, because they claimed they've been having to call in over & over for same problem. Trying to explain this will save them time if I don't start with the same old things that's already been tried. Finally drag out the name & username, confirm password, caps lock off, the usual...user has NOT called in, btw! Okay. User getting snippy about the questions. Trying to explain the reasons behind it so that I can prove it will work, if they'd only do what they're being told to do. User:"Are you sure?" Tech:(deadpan) "Yes, ma'am, I get paid to be sure." User:"Well, no offense (?!), but I don't think you know what the hell you're talking about! I'd like to talk to a supervisor!!" Tech:"Ma'am, you've just said you don't want to go thru this information, if I switch you, whoever you talk to will have to get this same information, and more. BTW, I have already figured out that you are running Windows 95...and Netscape 4 is not only your browser but your email program as well. We have different techs here with different specialties; you really should upgrade, but as far as what you have now, I'd have to admit it will work...but...." User:"What?!", she snapped. Tech:"Well, ma'am the tech that takes the Windows 95 calls, the only one that still uses W95 even on an old laptop...that's me." User:(rude sound) Tech:"And the only tech that has ever used Netscape as a main browser, and still does...that's me, too." User:(really rude sound) Tech:"Also, if you'd gotten another tech or still want to be sent to a supervisor, I can do that, that's not a problem. The problem pops up when you have to go thru all this information again...and they find out you are running W95, Netscape...and that you want your Netscape as default mail program...I'm the one they send all the Netscape mail setups to. But it's your time...I get paid by the hour. Oh, and they won't even TRY to tech Netscape Mail...and they'll tell you to download a newer version of Netscape before they'll talk to

you about that. Would you care to talk to a supervisor now?" User:(snarling it out) "You mean to say what?!" Tech:"The same thing I just said ma'am...you're running Windows 95, Netscape, outdated version, AND Netscape Mail...I am your last, best hope. But it's your call; I've got 3 slips on my desk just since we started to give Netscape users a callback. You get switched to anyone else, that puts you on the bottom of the list for Netscape help." She never did stop the attitude...but she did cooperate enough for me to get all that running right...in other words, no she didn't want to be switched, for some reason, after all....

I am a CSS for a large computer company. I take anywhere from 40-50 calls a day so I have lots of stories to tell about (l)users and such. One that sticks in my head is a recent call that I took from a fairly knowledgeable woman.

She was having lots of trouble getting online. She had called her ISP and our tech support several times to no avail. She had even gone so far as to reload the system and still was not able to connect.

I was her loast hope and being so, I was also taking the brunt of her anger at the company that I work for.

We went through all of the settings for the modem and installed updated drivers and re-stalled dial up networking and all of then normal things. I had asked at the very beginning of the call wether or not the phone line was connected to the system and she said "of course"...with a tone of sarcasm. I even made her make sure by reseating it.

The call lasted an hour and a half. Finally, frustrated, I asked one more time if she was sure that the phone line was connected correctly or perhaps she had it in the wrong port on the back of the system. She started to get angry with me by this time and I could tell the the call was taking a huge dive. I asked her if she had another phone in the house that we could use to see if the phone line was actually functioning...she made several noises and comments about not being able to find good help anymore, but finally agreed to get another phone.

Testing the line with the phone, we find that there is dial tone, BUT, we also discover that even though the phone line is going to the computer correctly, it is not the RIGHT line, she had two lines into the house, and you guessed it, the active line was not even connected to the computer. We connected the right line and presto!, we were able to connect.

To top it all off she made a comment to the effect of "you should have known that, it would have saved me a lot of time..."

Like I am supposed to be able to see through the phone line a

nd notice something like that.

I has a customer call through to the helpdesk, who had installed the CD for the ISP and had been filling out the regstration form :-

Cmr :- I have just been filling out the registraion form and it has come back telling me that i need to fill out the address details ...do i need to put the address details in ?

Me :- Uhhh...yep ...would tend to help you complete registration...

Unbelievable !!

Pete ...

I work on an internal helpdesk for a large company supporting europe and africa region this is a typical call i take every day

(l)user is trying to save some work to the desktop

M: Me

L: (l)user

M: It service desk how may i help

L: I can't save a file

M: what errors are you getting

L: Umm file already excists or something

M: (don't you just love the or something error messages) Ok,is there a file with the same name where you trying to save.

L: of couse there isn't, i'm not stupid you know

M: (bites tongue) ok i'll connect to the pc and check.

*connects*

After minimising all his windows for him (l)user spots the excisting file and attempts to delete it before i notice (bearing in mind i'm in control of his PC and last time i checked i wasn't blind.

M: ummmmm isn't that the file your trying to delete there?

L: What file?? I have to go now i can't waste my time with you *click*

Oh well kept me ammused for a while staying connected to his PC via laplink moving his mouse while he tried to click on stuff.

About a year ago, I was working for a Telecommunications company, in the DATA service network management center. Our primary job function was to test the T1 to the customer prem when needed, design, and build circuits to custoemr locations from the core of our network to their phone room wherever they may be. We only troubleshot from our core, to the router that we would supply at contract signing, anything past our router on the LAN side, wasn't our job.

Anyway, To make along story short, I get a trouble ticket send\t to me to work stating that a customer of ours in Kentucky was completely down, voice lines and DATA service. I begin my process for resolve. After checking everything I can think of, I decide to call the customer to let him know I will be dispatching a field technician out to take a look at our equipment. I get on the phone, and the first thing he says is:

him: "We are going to need another router"

me : "What makes you so sure?"

him: "There was smoke coming out of the back of it"

me : "Did you notice anything else before this happend?"

him: "Well, I noticed the dern thing was runnin a little slow today so I decided to speed it up a bit"

me : "Sir, what do you mean by that?"

him: "well, I went to ma toolbox in the back of ma pickup and got a can of WD40 and sprayed a bunch into the back of your internet thingy on our wall there."

me : ".....pardon?"

him: "Well, I figured it ws slow, so I greased up the inside of your router purtty good to speed it up. worked fine for few then it kinda caught fire, I think it's defective"

At that point, I was just stunned, I wanted to laugh at the stupidity, but felt awful and sad that there were actually people out there like this. Needless to say, customer paid for a 2000 dollar channel bank and was never allowed to troubleshoot anything by his boss again.

I knew there was a reason why there are so many clueless users. THey are doing it purposely! See?

http://www.dansdata.com/sbs3.htm

Next time you get a fried computer you'll know who to blame for teaching them! :)

I was doing some web design work for someone the other day. I asked them what resolution their screens were set at suggesting it would be 800x600 or something like that.

14 inch came the reply! I have the email to prove it.

For a year and a half, I was the main contact for our corporate helpdesk. The PCs we used had very distinct keyboard and were very easy to hear across the phone. In fact, I got so good at counting keystrokes and knowing the different sounds of the space, enter and return keys, that I could tell when the users had and had not pressed a particular key.

One day, I was working with a user and told her to type something in and press enter. I could hear she typed the command, but not the enter key. I told her she missed the enter key and go ahead and press it. She responded by saying How did you know I didn t press enter? Being a little mischievous that day, I said that I could watch her through the computer and that there was a little camera next to the power light. She replied Really!?! I told her we only use it when we are solving problems and not just on whims. She even went do far as to poke around the computer and look for the camera. She even told the person next to her that there were cameras in the computers (I m rolling on the floor at this time).

Finally I told her my true skill of counting keystrokes. Though I later heard she still wondered about the cameras.

This is not, as it sounds, like a luser who doesn't know what operating system their computer is running, more the operating system doesn't know its version. I name it Windows 96.5 as being halfway between Windows 95 and 98. This is the tale of how it came to be.

My driving instructor recently bought a slight secondhand PC running Windows 95 OSR2, which he then installed Internet Explorer 5 and Office 2000 and it ran fine. Not knowing much about computers, and totally ignoring the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" rule, when he called his ISP regarding a connectivity problem, they recommend he upgrade to IE6.

Of course, IE6 won't run on Windows 95, so he gets a Win98 upgrade CD and runs that. It ends with an alleged successful completion, but problems start immediately after the next reboot.

Some of the programs don't work - these aren't complex programs like Word, Excel or IE - but Windows Calculator and Notepad, giving DLL errors. Word, Excel and IE5 work fine, but dial up networking is broken, he can no longer dial his ISP but the modem works fine (through hyperterminal).

At this point I get involved, as an IT pro with several years experience in troubleshooting dead and broken computers.

I reinstall dial up networking to no avail and recreate his connection with the current settings - it still refuses to work. Running MS System Info from Office 2K I discover something very bizarre: the system reports it is running Windows 95 OSR2 still. I confirm this by running IE6 setup, and it says it can't install on Windows 95 and please upgrade to a newer operating system. After rebooting it says Windows 98 at startup.

I start looking for other problems. Scandisk says no problems, device manager reports no conflicts and other diagnostics packages report no problems or conflicts, and say that it is running Win95 OSR2. Utterly bizarre.

I check the versions of a couple of key system files against known working Win95 OSR2 and Win98 computers - they match the 98 system. I delve into

the registry and find the Windows version number. It matches 95 OSR 2's. I change it to Windows 98 and magically Calculator and Notepad start working properly, IE6 installs without problems but dial up networking is still as dead as a dodo. I try to reinstall dial up networking and the system bluescreens on me.

A reboot and scandisk later and I try to install DUN again, and it bluescreens. Reboot, scandisk and start in safe mode. Same thing.

I recommend a complete wipe down and reinstall from scratch with 98, which I have now done.

As a currently unemployed computer tech, programmer and application support analyst - I have done them all in my time - yes, I am a bit of a jack of all trades, I spend a lot of time reading the computer job ads in newspapers and on "jobs by email" posts.

Over the last few months I have found a number of job ads that request candidates with odd technical skills and certifications/qualifications for the job concerned.

I'm not sure whether these are due to the agency or the client, but some of the odder requirements I have found are as follows:

* A pure UNIX admin job listing an MCSE as a mandatory requirement.

* A number of database developer and information reporting/data analyst jobs listing SQL as an optional skill.

* One database programmers job said "Advanced SQL, able to write a query that retrieves data from more than one table"

(I would consider that fairly basic for somebody working with databases professionally)

* The number of posts just listing a particular skill, not specifying which version. For example, "Sybase" not quantifying whether it is Adaptive Server Anywhere/IQ or Adaptive Server Enterprise that is used. The same applies to "Microsoft SQL" not specifying whether it is Jet SQL (as in Visual Basic, Access etc) or SQL Server.

* A number of current posts requesting an MCSE in NT 4 (those holding MCSE in NT 4 lost their status at the end of 2001 unless they did the Win2000 upgrades, which makes them an MCSE in Win2000).

* Those that assume an MCSE is equivalent to a computer science degree (as in "MCSE or computer science degree or similar")

* It's not just the technical skills that need checking over. I have seen several in which salary details were a bit of a joke as well: eg several for £24/yr, another one went right the other way and paid £35,000K (Bill Gates eat your heart out).

I am not sure whether to laugh or cry when I read these sorts of adverts, but whatever I think I should start applying to recruitment agencies asking fo

r a job as a proofreader, and explain why. Those above are only a small selection of my findings.

Unemployed Tech

I remember a story that happened to me long ago. This was at a time when I didn't own a PC much less ever thought of owning one(approx. 87-89 dont' remember the Exact year). I'm from Mexico, and used to live pretty close to the US Border. I remember at the time a couple of my friends and I used to own Tandy Color Computers (I'm sure some people remember these) And it pretty much taught you Basic Programming. Well, I remember you had to hook these things up to your TV. We'll back at the time I was in Jr High and our home room teacher brought in one of these "computers", so the the rest of the class could get introduced to computing in some way or another, writing some small basic lines.

She started to hook up the computer to the TV, and turned it on to channel 3 so she could get the reception...nothing, just a static filled screen.

Since the teacher knew that one of my pals and I already owned and had experience writing Basic on these machines, she asked us to take a look at the hook up. Before anything happened we asked her if she had ever even plugged it into the power outlet. Thats when she lost it and began saying

" you think im that stupid" " Do you guys think you are experts just because you own one"

That's when I reached under the table took the power cable and plugged it into the outlett. Her red beet face will live on in my mind forever....

My girlfriend is quite technically inclined, but has only recently learned a thing or two about computers (mostly by watching me work on our home-lan). A few months ago, the following happened:

We have a cable connection that is hooked to a HP-server. It, in it's turn is connected to a small 8-port hub that services the rest of the computers in the house. (Son has one, gf has one, I have three). Our neighbour also bought a computer and asked if she could be connected to our network, so she did not have to pay full price for the cable subscription. Sure, no problem; we just drill a hole in the wall between our houses and hook her machine up to the hub. As I was working on an important project at the time, and my gf and our neighbour are very impatient, they decided to start working on getting the neighbour online by themselves. My gf drilled a hole in the wall, plugged a UTP cable into the hub, and plugged it into the computer of our neighbour. She set the TCP-IP settings correctly, booted the machine and... No internet connection. They spend the remainder of the afternoon trouble shooting, which included rewiring, cleaning the neighbours computer and re-installing windows98. As I finally arrived home, I was dragged to our neighbour's house and sat behind the 'puter, all the time being cussed out that my lan was faulty. It took me about 5 seconds to find out that she had managed to plug a phone cable both into the hub and into the network card of the computer. No. That would not work. A short ten minutes later the correct UTP wire was placed and presto! Internet connection was established.

All I can say is that I am glad she didn't attempt to plug a true UTP connector in the (still onboard) modem!

Love the site,

Dwaal

I work in a fairly large educational facility in Northern Ontario.

One day our departmental meeting because our President had not been able to log into her computer for an hour and a half. Our department head promptly ended the meeting an one of our techs went up to help the troubled exec.

Upon returning the tech was asked by all of us what the President's issue was.

Seems her mouse didn't work. When grilled further, we learned the Tech had no problems or logging in. The President told her that no matter what SHE tried, the computer kept asking "What's this?".

So, our Tech noticed that the President had a bandaid on the index finger of her mouse hand and asked her about it.

Turns out our President's index finger was too sore to use so she was using her middle finger to click the right mouse button instead of the left when trying to log in!

I once had the privelege of working on the laptop of one of our weaker users. Despite being a teacher in our fairly large institute for higher learning, this woman had once complained her mouse didn't work when it wasn't even plugged in. She had also once asked for help getting her car out of the parking lot ditch because she'd left it in neutral and was sitting in it listening to a song while it rolled in!

Anyway, she wanted her computer redone due to various issues and I agreed to do so. Well, after backing up any important files she had, I did a fresh install of Windows 95 since it was the platform of choice at the time. I then installed any other programs she needed and returned the laptop to her.

Next day she phoned and asked if it was possible that she had gotten a virus. Befuddled, I asked why. Seems her computer was not only slow (according to her), but it was acting "funny". She also said her computer kept giving her a message she had never seen before.

When I asked her what it was she said, "Click here to begin"!

LOL! Funny part is her computer HAD Windows 95 on it before I worked on it!

Up until recently, I thought the coffee cup holder was a bit of an urban legend, that was until i was sitting in the office playing the usual games on the pc, when one of the women in the office turned round to me and said "this would make a good place to keep a cup of coffee". I thought 'NO, this can't be real' but I looked around and there was a mug of coffee proudly sitting on the CD tray. I now know that strange feeling when urban legends come to life...

I'm not really a tech, but this story is good anyway.

I was surfing the net, and then one of those MSN instant messages popped up. Txt-like spelling errors have been ommitted to help save your sanity.

M= Me, and T=them.

T: www.o2.co.uk (this appeared as a link.)

M: What?

T: It's a website you idiot

M: I know. I've heard of it. Why do i need to know?

T: I was making a shortcut.

M: To?

T: www.o2.co.uk

M: why?

T: To send a text.

M: but why were you sending it to me?

T: I was putting it on messenger so it would make a shortcut for me.

(At the moment I'm wondering why she can't just use IE)

M: Oh. Why?

T: So i can sent a txt.

M: Why don't you use the 'address' bar?

T: eh?

M: In internet Explorer?

T: Yeah i do but this way, it's quicker.

(By this stage I was completely confused why she did it the hard way.)

M: You do exactly the same thing in Internet Explorer! You type in the adress and press enter!

T: I know but if i put the adress here then press enter you get a link

(at this moment i'm bordering on insanity)

M: The same thing happens in IE!

T: What's IE?

M: Internet Explorer! Do you even know what that is?

T: Yes i do!

M: well use it!

T: No, my way is better

M: You do exactly the same thing!

T: It's quicker you idiot

(Random insults thrown back and forth)

M: so why did you send it to me?

T: Because you were first on the 'Online' list

M: Well next time choose some other person to confuse!

T: You're the only person online you...

(more insults)

M: It's not the easiest way!

T: Is

T: Is

T: is

(etc)

T:www.o2.co.uk

T: It works! Try it!

M: Just because it works does not mean it's the easiest way!

T: YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS

(More random insults, until she went offline.)

I was recently hired to install strict web filtering software for my local grade school. It seem that a third grade teacher had taken his class to the computer lab and instructed a class of 30 10 year olds to go to www.whitehouse.com (a hard core porn page) to find out what the president was doing that day (www.whitehouse.gov). While I was there I was also ask to give a talk to the teachers about the difference between .com , .org, and .gov

At the school where I work, we have a number of laptops with a wireless connection to the network. These laptops are stored in two trolleys that can be moved into the room where they are required. The wireless access point then has to be set up in the room where they are to be used. In most rooms there is only one patch point, so this involves plugging the power cable in, removing the network cable from the back of the computer on the teachers desk, and plugging it into the back of the wireless access point.

I just went to move them from one room to another only to find that it had already been done. Now I thought that the teacher in this room knew what he was doing, as he has set it up a number of times before.

Fifteen minutes into the lesson, one of the pupils came to me saying that they couldn't log on to any of them. I went to the wireless box and traced the network cable, not to the patch point, but the back of the computer.

I wonder why it wouldn't work?

I have been working as a programmer for over 10 years now, so I know my way around computers a bit. This especially concerns the software side of things. My hardware knowledge is a bit worse. 2 years ago I needed a new printer. I had my eye set on a printer that could also be used as a copier and scanner.

So I went shopping at a local store (V*b*s, a chain of computerstores in Holland). I entered the store, ask for a printer that could also scan and copy. The salesman tells me there aren't any. I think he meant they were sold out, so I turned around to go to another store. As I turned I saw the printer I wanted to buy. I turn back to the salesman, point at the printer and asks why he didn't tell me he had a printer that could copy and scan.

Him: No sir, that's no printer, that's an officejet

Me: Can it print?

H: Yes

M: Can it copy?

H: Yes

M: Can it scan?

H: Yes

M: So it is a printer that can copy and scan?

H: No, I told you it is an officejet

I basically told him to stop the officejet somewhere I don't like to look at and bought it someplace else.

I go help some poeple out with their computers once in a while. (mostly reffered by poeple who I know)

Someone asked me to take a look to someone's computer, he would be paying for internet for 4 months now but he wasn't able to get it online.

The Guy: Yeah I already gave up, damn ISP, they even sended a technician, but he couldn't figger it out himself...

***Hmm this is going to take a while I guess***

(these days they hire ppl who read only step by step manuals for a living it seems)

Me: did you get any drivers, username and configuration directions with the modem?

**guy start searching for it while i bootup the system.

Like alot of average users, a windows which loads tons of unused programs at bootup..

the desktop is filled with shortcuts to non MS "freecell" versions. he gathered about 6 freeware version or something like that **

Me: Don't you know that freecell comes with windows ?

The Guy: Someone installed windows for me, but I couldn't find it back. (he upgraded from win 95 to ME)

***Hmmm, aint touching it. It wouldn't be the first one who freaks cause there's a icon they don't recognise or whatever. Learned in the past to CHANGE AS LESS POSSIBLE, to end calls like "why is everything smaller now? I want it back as it was!!" (changed resolution from 640x480 to 800x600 on a PIII)***

I go trought the system, and see 1 dailup modem, 2 networkcards, 1 adslcard and alot of junk..

Me: Are you sure you got it plugged in properly?

The Guy: The connector for the phone is alright, the modem is connected to my computer so it all schould work...

I can't believe it I even bought such a new internet card for inside the computer..

He finally found the box in which his modem was delivered.

**USB ADSL**

The modem seemed dead, so I thought of checking the cabling..

I saw some pretty old cables that couldn't be delivered with the modem..

Me: Did they deliver that brown cable too?

The Guy: I

t's from my old phone. But I needed it to match the ports on the computer and modem.

Turned out he connected the adsl modem to his dailupmodem,

(2 inputs, so that's why he needed to 'get another cable')and connected his adslcard to his phoneline, his USB to his computer.

I nicely switched his cables in the order they were supposed to, followed with "you're a genius" and alot of relieved yelling..

I just thought "don't ever call me again"

Dumbass luser calls me today and tells me he's already tried calling before. Case notes from previous techs say that he's trying to get the fax feature to work. He can send, but not recieve. The previous techs have tried everything they can think of except one thing. None of them have asked him if he's using a digital answering machine. It turns out he is. I explain to him that a digital answering machine converts all incoming signals to digital and since our fax signals are analog, we cannot guarantee successful faxing in conjuntion with this machine. Luser doesn't believe me, so I try a test with him. I have him unplug the machine temporarily and I send him several faxes. They all come through fine. When I get back on the phone, luser starts in about how it "worked with the machine before" and yadda yadda yadda. "How are we supposed to fix this?" he asks. I tell him that there are three possible solutions. The first, and least likeable is to get a different answering machine. The second is to get a distinctive ring service set up. Finally, the best solution, and the most costly, is to get a dedicated fax line. After every solution, luser says to me, "I shouldn't have to do that." He finally gets rude and starts asking for a supervisor or "someone with more experience." (I've been here for 1 1/2 years). That gets me angry and I tell him that I have plenty of experience and that he has to deal with me. So then he starts telling me that he "can't accept" my solutions! *You* called *me*, moron, so DON'T QUESTION MY SOLUTIONS!!!

From the moment I heard this luser's voice, I could tell that this would be a loooong call. He had apparently taken a break from his career in the rewarding field of Food Chewing to call me. He sounded like a dead moose on Prozac. He wanted to know how he could set up his fax to recieve. I had to spend at least five minutes explaining why there needed to be a phone cord going to the wall. I then had to explain why his voicemail would possibly conflict with the fax signals seven or eight different times. He thought that the fax would automatically know if a voice call was coming through. I explained distinctive rings to him, which took at least three tries. I told him that if he sets his fax to answer on one ring, no voice calls would come through. He didn't understand why that would be. I wanted to tell him that there was an error between the seat and the fax machine.

My mom is talking to me on AOL Instant Messenger, and apologizes to me for typing all in caps. She knows it's the equivalent of shouting.

Her excuse? Sometimes, when she types with normal capitalization, she forgets to hit the caps lock key afterward, and when she forgets, her boss goes spastic...on her....rather than just hitting the caps lock key himself...

What a retard!

A 74 year old woman brought in a PC to us and needed a new modem installed. We installed the modem for her and it seemed to work fine as far as we could tell. Later that evening she called our techincal support staff and complained that ever since we worked on her computer, her keyboard would not work.

I asked her if she had plugged it in, she said, "Of course I did!!! It was color coded even!"

Not believing her, I told her to go behind her computer and unplug the keyboard, and tell me if the plug on the end was a round greenish colord plug, or a flat silvery thing. (I Had to Dumb it down you see)

She returned and said, "There is a chord coming out of my keyboard and on the end there is a 'flat black thing'."

I then told her to replace that plug in the back of her computer. She said, "What do you mean replace it? It wasn't even plugged in?"

I work for a major ISP in the UK and we get some crackers. A personal favorite is this: (M:Me, C:Cust)

M:Good afternoon blah de blah how can I help?

C:I'm trying to install the software for your service, but my system can't find the files on the CD.

M:What colour is the CD? (we use 2, one for the drivers and another for the software)

C:(opening CD tray) er... Silver

M:Silver? It should be pink or black... (CLICK!) um, turn the CD over (surely not?!)

C:Oh, it's black on the bottom.

M:You've put the cd in upside down, turn it over so the black side's facing UP

C:(after some fiddling) Yeah, it's working now, thanks!

I spent a couple of years as a saleman in a small computer store, because of the size of the business I also doubled up as tech support.

I had one call from a local radio station that we had sold two systems to. Apparently the receptionist had come back from her break and found that in her words "her monitor had crapped itself". I offered to try to fix it over the phone but being a technophobe she asked me to come in and have a look at it on the premises. Told them there would be a call-out fee for on-site service that they were happy with paying.

Asked the usual questions when I arrived what were you last doing etc, and checked the usual problems, cables etc. No problems there so on a whim tried contrast and brightness controls on the base of the monitor. I must be a genius because it worked wonders.

Turns out that one of the DJ's children had been behind the reception desk playing and had decided to play with the monitor.

Now the cute receptionist thinks I'm a genius and I'm $50 richer. If only every job was so simple.

After reading all of the cup-holder stories here, I must tell you mine...

Here is a bit of background. I am originally from Japan but came to the States for university. My English is rather good, but I still have an accent and over the phone, I imagine that I am very hard to understand. Recently, I purchased a cup-holder for my monitor screen that attaches with Velcro tape, since I once spilled some Coca-Cola into my keyboard by knocking it over while typing. Also, my CD-ROM drive was faulty, so I had to send it back to the manufacturer who was sending me a new one, and since I use my computer mainly for simply typing reports and do not need to play computer games, I disabled the CD-ROM drive.

This call took place about two weeks before I received my new CD-ROM drive. What happened was I turned my monitor on, got a drink, put it in the cup-holder, and the monitor flickered and died. I turned the monitor off and on, tried the brightness and contrast dials, but nothing happened. Luckily, I purchased all of the components for my computer from the same manufacturer except for my printer, so I only have to call one number for most of my computing needs. So, I called the manufacturer's tech support line and when a tech answered, I told him that I had a problem with my monitor.

He checked my account and started general troubleshooting, "Is it on? Is the little green light on the front on? Is the power strip on?" All of these were "yes," because they were, and I told him that there was not a problem with the power but a problem with the monitor itself and if I could make arrangements to send it to the manufacturer to be fixed. He asked me to tell him everything that happened before the monitor "died", and I said to him, "I powered my PC on, and Windows loaded. I logged into my ISP, put a drink in my cup-holder, and the monitor flickered, then faded to black."

He said, "You did what? You'll break your CD drawer! Get that out of there!"

I said, "It is not my C

D-ROM drive, it is a cup holder."

He said, "Listen," and started speaking very slowly. "You...have...put...your...drink...into...your...ceee...dee..rom...drive. Take...it...out...before...the...drawer...breaks...off."

I am normally very, very polite to people, especially those from whom I need help. But I became angry at him, since he did not give me a chance to explain that I did not have a CD-ROM load drawer to put my drink in in the first place, and I did not appreciate his presumption that I do not understand conversational English or his not reading my account information to discover that I am right. So, I told him, "I understand your English completely, but I do not understand why you have not looked at my account information. Your company has my CD-ROM drive and will be sending it back to me shortly. My cup-holder is attached to my monitor by a piece of Velcro, and even if I did put a cup into my CD drawer, it should not make the picture of my monitor disappear. Can I make arrangements for this to be repaired?"

He was silent for a few moments, then very quietly took my information and told me by when to have the monitor shipped.

Last summer I thought I'd earn myself a little overtime by bringing my programming project home from work. To do this, I needed a copy of the image-processing software I was writing scripts for, and (since the software is for Macs only) a Mac emulator so my Linux box could run it. Both free downloads, luckily, but I had to download them via my mom's computer because I didn't feel like moving mine down the hall to get at the only jack to the modem line...

A couple of days later, with no warning, my mother bashes her way through my door and starts demanding that I undo the horrible damage I've done to her computer or risk interesting new forms of destruction. Seems she'd left her computer on, lain down for a 2-hour nap and woke up to find the keyboard in a sorry state--half the keys wouldn't respond and the other half were firing off keystrokes at random. Of course *she* hadn't done anything to it...so obviously the Mac & Linux software I'd just downloaded must have given her WINDOWS machine a virus! And no amount of desperate explaining could convince her otherwise. Until twenty minutes later she suddenly recalls...

"Oh, do you think it could've been the water I spilled in the keyboard before I went to bed?"

And she is not talking about a minor splash either. There's a tall glass of water on the desk, mostly empty, and when I tip the keyboard more water *streams* out. A-ha! In a show of impressive technical skill, I eliminate the "virus" by means of a quick trip to Staples with her credit card.

A few years back I was part of a pretty large development for a multiplatform application (OS/390, Windows). In our group we had a guy who knew his way around computers, no kidding, he was good. Let's call him Jim.

One morning we decided to switch two mouses of computers standing next to each other. The programmer on the left comp knew this and we just waited for the second guy to come in. When he was logged on and started to use his mouse, the guy on his left just moved his mouse a bit, clicked somewhere. At that moment the right guy thinks he goes mad. First he shuts down, logging on again. Same thing , I wonder why ;-)

He calls Jim. Jim used the keyboard to go to config and tries to solve problem in Windows. Doesn't work. So he thinks it's a BIOS problem or something. Switches the computer off, hits DEL or some other key at startup and changes some settings. Boots again, no luck. Again he went to BIOS. After about half an hour the guy who called him over says he will contact tech support. Nooo, shouts Jim, I think I have almost found the problem, it's probably **** (tehcnical term I do not remember). At that point we told Jim we should switch mouses. And by miracle, everything works just fine.

Everybody laughed, except Jim, who didn't have a good sense of humor when the joke was on him.

It's not really a tech support story but ...

3 years ago, I worked for the government for the summer. I assembled computers for the financial service. It was brand new P3 700 MHz w/ Matrox G400 32 megs dualView and 21" monitor ($1600 CAN piece). Right now, everything is fine ...

BUT, they used those high-end systems to work on .... DOS-like app. Yep, they were connected (coax) on a 20 years old mainframe and used those computers for a terminal emulator program. I heard some of the users complained because the monitor was too big and it took too much space and their desk...

I used to work in a computer shop, that put together computers for corporations. The name of the place is same as brand of stereo equipment that begins w/ a "P". The job could be 3-4 computers, the next could be 16 or more on one order. Biggest order I remember working on (at one time) was 120 computers, plus all the pieces (hard drive, etc) needed for each system.

Anyhow, a friend of mine was working on a 12 piece computer order, and had them all lined up on the table. Everything was installed that needed to be. One of the last things to do was to make sure the switch on the power supplies were set to 220V, hook up the 220 line, turn on the systems, and start testing them.

This particular person got into a bad habit of hooking the power lines through a switch (don't ask me how he did it), so all he had to do was turn the power on to all the computers, then hit the power switch, so they would all turn on at once.

Bet you can see where this is going. He forgot to swtitch the power supplies to 220 (all 12 computers). Biggest Bang (and a little smoke too!) I ever heard inside a room! The tech said "Whoops!", and then had the fun job of taking everything out of the computers that he originally installed, and having to fill out the nec. paperwork to send the computers themselves back. Whoops indeed! I still laugh about it, and it happened about 5 yrs ago.

Did trouble shooting in Outlook Express for 20 minutes.

Only to find out the customer was typing "at" instead of "@".

Now he can send e-mail

Working for an ISP, I have dealt with plenty of unusual and unexpected queries.

However, this email still managed to make me laugh:

--------------------------------------------------------

Hi,

Can you supply a walled garden facility - have you any info about your

service etc.

Xxx Xxxxx (name removed to . . . .)

---------------------------------------------------------

I'm not particularly a tech supporter, and have enough PC experience to not use tech support. I am, however, a pretty damn experienced school child (AS level at 14). And the story basically goes like this...

My school recently upgraded the entire IT system to W2K, and our new deputy head is an MS qualified network tech, so it all went fine and worked. One day I was there, working on the school website when the entire network went down, which was closely followed by all the machines automatically logging out and rebooting. Whilst most of the staff were running around trying to reboot the server, reset the switch and other unnecessary stuff I quietly took my Linux laptop out of my bag, moved the network cable from the back of my PC into the laptop, logged in and ran some quick diagnostics (I had my laptop put onto the trusted machines list).

It turned out that some idiot in one of the other IT suites had decided to install Quake 3, which promptly took down the server and then flooded the network. I pointed this out to one of our IT teachers (Another Linux user) who then went downstairs and told the Quake players to stop. They did and the network cleared. We went for a server reboot, and as soon as it powered up they started the game again. So down the teacher went, explained why they had to stop and we rebooted the server again. We went through this four times, including me going down and shouting at them, before we unplugged their network cables from the rack.

Everything worked fine (we even rebooted the server!), until they moved to another suite, reinstalled Quake and started again. This time I got really pissed off and just deleted their profiles from the server.

Long live Linux, since all the NT machines were down.

This is a classic but funny. I did tech support for some photo printers. I get a call and the old lady on the other line said that her printer only prints in black and white. At first I thought software, USB, defective print cartridge. I went through some troubleshooting steps- with connected to PC, using sandisk card. Still comming out in black and white. Then I relized what was going on. I asked her if she set up the printer. She said her son did. I asked her to open the cover and pull out the color cartridge. After she did that I asked her if she sees a green tape on the bottom the the cartridge (green tape is what the manufacture usually puts on there to prevent it from drying). She said yes. With a big grin I told her to take the tape off and put the cartridge back in the printer. Surprise! It now prints in color. She laughed (and I) so hard asking me if that was it. I said thats it. She then said she had to tease her son about it.

I was in collage. The other students and I just got done reloading Win 95 (ther year was 1997). I already had a job before school in computers and know as much as my instructor. One of my classmates who sat next to ask me what was wrong with is system, it was locked up. I told him to CTRL+ALT+DEL. So he did, the system started to reboot. I looked at him with big eyes and asked him if he did what I told him to do. He said yes and told him no you didn't and you just wiped out your hard drive. His eyes got BIG, mouth dropped the the floor. I know he was thinking that he had to star ALL over. I kept my face for about 30 seconds before I burst out laughing. The look on his face was priceless. Novices are fun to mess with...

Further to my earlier posting I have found another job advert. I have tried to interpret it the best I could but have come up with 3 equally feasible interpretations:

The ad was for a Delphi/SQL Server programmer, technical skills and experience seemed reasonable but they were offering to pay (wait for it) "£25K - £38K Per Hour" (exact quote).

I wonder if they actually meant £25-38K depending upon experience, or £25-38 per hour?

I'd love somebody to test the validity of these ads in court by refusing to accept below £25,000 per hour, on a 35 hour week that means the salary is £875,000 per week, or £4,550,000 per year, assuming 52 weeks.

On second thoughts, about the only companies that could afford to pay that sort of dosh are Microsoft (who wouldn't write software in Delphi - or would they???) and Oracle (who wouldn't use SQL Server). Would you want to work for either of them?

The third interpretation is that this is a subtraction sum, and they are so broke that they require you to pay £13000 (the result of 25000-38000) for the privilege of working there.

What do you think? Am I going mad?

1) Customer brings in a PC that is D.O.A. Says "I have no idea what happened to it, it's just dead" Crack open the case and take a look. Hmmmm that chip fan is loose. Open Chip Fan. I see that the CPU chip has been inserted into the socket in the wrong orientation. Dead chip. Dead MB.

"Sir have you been messing with the CPU Chip?"

"Oh yea, I went to a computer show and got this hot new CPU"

"Ah well sir it was put in wrong, and now it and the motherboard are fried. Did you read the directions on how to install the chip?"

"Ummm no I just out it in like the old one. I lined it up based on the logo printed on the top of the chip."

2) Customer brings in a new PC they bought last week. Irate that when it powers up, Windows 95 starts but then the entire system "Goes nuts and locks up and nothing works" Okaaayy...I turn the thing on and sure enough it goes nuts...all sorts of apps execute until the poor thing runs out of memory and crashes. So I reset and as it hits the desktop I Cntrl-Alt-Delete to see the list of running apps. There are a LOT of them. Just as I close the window, I notice a folder on the desktop that says "Startup". Hmmmm.

"Sir what is this folder here for?"

"Oh that - I put that on the desktop so I could put stuff in there easily"

"HHmmmm ok...well what is in there?"

"I dunno, just a couple of things I like to have running"

So I close out all the apps and finally get to where the thing will work. open up the Startup folder on the desktop and notice that ALL of the icons on the Program Menu are there. In other words, every time this PC was booted up, EVERY SINGLE PROGRAM ON IT was set to run.

"Gee, would that cause it to run low on memory and stop working?"

"Believe it or not sir, yes it would"

3) "Thanks for calling, how can I help you?"

"Well this program won't run"

"OK well first things first, it needs to have 800x600 minimum resolution, wha

t is your resolution set to?"

"Well how can I tell that?"

-INSERT 30 MINUTES OF TRYING TO GET HIM TO RIGHT CLICK DESKTOP -> PROERTIES-

"OK sir, lets start again, what do you have on your desktop?"

"Oh well there is the keyboard, the mouse, the CD holder, I have a cup with some pens in it and the PC Speakers"

-cry-

"OK sir, let's do this: ship us the PC and we will get it running for you and send it back out"

"Really? That would be swell. Thanks"

I work TS for a mid-sized Univesity near Detroit.

Our campus network has been down all weekend (went down sometime during the day on Saturday). That means no one on campus could get on the 'net at all (including yours truly) or send and receive email. Those off campus couldn't use their university email accounts. Luckily there isn't too much trouble, being the weekend and all, as dial-up still works and most of us have alternate email accounts anyway.

That said, we're only open M-F 8-5. Our voicemail says as much, and if there is a network outage over the weekend press 2 and report it to someone who is in the office...

Today is Monday.

My boss checked the voicemail messages this morning. There's one from a kid in the first year center who left simply "The ethernet's down" (he pronounced it like "Ethyl").

Then another "the ethernet's down."

Then "Why don't you do your F---ing jobs and get the ethernet up?!"

Then "You should do your stupid F---ing jobs."

Then the clincher "The F--ing ethernet's been down all F---ing weekend. Maybe if I come over and kick you in your F---ing nut sack you'll do your F---ing jobs!"

Yeah, we called the cops to go have a little talk with that kid. Genius left his name and room number on every message. We sent over the biggest, scariest, Detroitiest cop (who really is the nicest guy to work with) to freak the bejeezuz out of the kid. We're hoping he gets kicked out of the dorms for this little escapade.

A friend of mine recently got ADSL at home. Keep in mind he paid a non-refundable US $300 installation and activation fee.

After a couple of months he told me he was going to give it up because "the line now consumes too much power."

Huh?

More or less here's what happened:

him: You should see my electric bill! It was higher the past two months than the previous month.

me: The DSL modem shouldn't consume much power. Maybe you have a short somewhere?

him: No.

me: Well, did you buy any new appliances? A fridge maybe?

him: No. It's the @#%$&! line, I tell you.

me: Are you doing anything differently? (stupid question, I know.)

him: No! Nothing! Everything's the same, but my electric bill went up!

me: Are you sure you're not doing somethign different? Perhaps leaving a light on all day?

him: No. The only thing that stays on all day is the PC.

me: Did you leave it on all day before you got DSL?

him: No, of course not. But now I have to. Say, maybe that's it!

me: Yes, that's it. But why do you leave it on all day now?

him: Duh! It's a 24/7 connection. It has to stay on all day.

It took me about fifteen minutes to explain that just because he can stay connected 24/7 doesn't mean he _has_ to.

And yes, his utility bill came back down once he returned to turning the PC on only when he needed it.

I just had a call from a user who had a no modem error. To make a long story short, we got to device mangler, opened up modems, and he started listing modems. By the time he was done, he had listed over 1 dozen modems! Needless to say, I referred him to a good hardware tech in the area. When will people learn to leave well enough alone?

While I'm the SysAdmin I also handle all the TS calls internally before passing any on...

Here's a typical call for me, any given day; [User=U, T=me) - keep in mind these are managers and project engineers calling....

U: Brian, were having trouble with the plotter...

T: ok. what's going on with it?

U: Well, so and so is trying to plot a file, but she can't...

T: What kind of file is it?

U: I don't know, it's on a floppy disk...

T: How are you trying to plot it?

U: We put it in the drive and double clicked on it but she doesn't know if it's an Autocad file or what kind it is and it keeps saying something about "viewer not present" or something like that... She says we can't plot it because it's on a Zip drive...

T: I thought you said it was on a floppy?

U: IT IS!

T: ????????

T: Do you have an explorer window open?

U: No, were not trying to get it off the internet, she already downloaded it to a floppy...

T: It means you don't have anything to unzip the file, like WinZip. You'll have to find another machine that does.

U: And then what?

T: ????????

T: Did whomever sent you the file, explain what type of file it is?

U: Yeah, it's a drawing.

T: What kind? Autocad?

U: I don't know, just a drawing... She didn't say, she just said we could plot it out.

You can extrapolate the remainder of the conversation for yourself I'm sure !

Not all the dumb calls concern the user. I was in the middle of a three week process of trying to get my home DSL service to work. I could write a book about the whole experience, but I wanted to share this little tidbit.

On one of my dozens of calls to the ISP, I navigated the IVR which by this time I have memorized, along with the on-hold music.

Billing question press one; Tech support press two

two.

Dial-up press one; DSL press two.

two

Windows press one; Mac press two.

two.

Hold for 20 Min.

Tech: Tech support, how may I help you.

Me: This is my tenth call. I am still unable to connect to DSL.

Tech: What version of Windows are you running?

Me: I'm running a Mac not Windows.

Tech: I know, but you have to be running some kind of Windows system.

Me: I'm not running Windows, I have a Mac.

Tech: Yeah, but you have to be running some kind of program to get Windows.

Me: You meen an operating system?

Tech: Yeah, that's it.

Me: I'm running OS 9.1. Do you know anything about Macs?

Tech: I know that I hate 'em!

And the beat goes on.

Well, I am a 13 year old kid, but I know more about computers than anybody my age that i have met, and more than most people a few years older that i have met. But at my school, the teachers are dumb... really dumb. The computers there are hardly ever working, adn they often say one is not working, and to not even try to work it. Well one time, i went to my normal computer and noticed a sign. The sign read "The mouse is not working, so you cannot log on.". I looked at the back of the computer, and sure enough, the mouse was unplugged.

I have a client who around PC's, is dumb as a post. I fixed her CD-ROM, as it wasn't playing audio off a CD. Turns out that the problem was that the cable between the sound card and the CD-ROM stopped working.

So today I get a call, and she swears, up, down adn sideways that she's checked to make sure the sound is on, speaker cables are plugged in, volume is not muted, etc.

Well, she has two CD drives on her PC box. One is a CD-ROM, the other is a CD-RW. I hooked the sound card to the CD-ROM, so that she could burn CDs and listen to mucis at the asme time (copy image from a CD to the HDD, then back to a CD-R, for those who can't puzzle out how to do this).

She ws putting the CD discs into the CD-RW. Not the one with the audio cable.

Now, I know we've read dozens of tales like this on this (wonderful) site. But my question is this. Why do you need a technician to figure out that if one CD drive doesn't work, use the **other one**?

My "boss" who gave me this contract, says that if she calls here one more time, for something stupid and non-revenue generating, he's billing her at our full rate.

Good for him!

I have been in tech support for over two years now and I am so tired of people calling in for support and then having to ask you repeatedly to repeat yourself because they weren't paying attention....if you want your problem fixed....PAY ATTENTION and follow simple instructions.

This is a friendly reminder from your online/telephone tech support person.

And for god sakes, put the potatoe chips down or the apple you are eating because for heaven sakes how can you type anyway when you are stuffing your face?

Background: This is during the Christmas Rush, when customers are waiting 45 minutes + to talk to us.

Me: Good evening! You've reached Johnny. How can I help you?

Him: NO ONE CAN HELP ME!!!! *hangs up loudly*

I placed myself in "Not Available" for five minutes so I could finish laughing.

To get it out of the way: I don't know much about computers.

Recently we had a power cut, my boyfriend was on the computer at the time of the outage so of course, the computer went off. When the power came back on his mother wanted to use the computer, but wanted him to reboot it for her.

He sat down at the computer and was about to press the On button when she walked into the room and yelled at him to get off the computer. He pointed out she'd asked him to reboot it and she said yeah, but she was going to turn it on he could reboot it after she'd done that.

Anyhow, she turns it on and leaves him to 'reboot' it. The option to scandisk came up, as the computer'd gone off in the power cut. He said yes to scandisking. Again his mother walked in, this time looked at the screen and freaked out. She asked what the hell he was doing, he replied that he was just running scandisk to check all was good. She said that was stupid of him because, seeing at the computer had been improperly shut down, the scandisk would be damaged and he should have just let it load up without scandisking. Did I miss something or have I just proved my own stupidity?

I just took a call from a very basic Luser.

M: Welcome to *&*& how can I help you

U: Yes hi I have this disk in front of me here that says latryikj written on it with my hand writting

M: yes ok.

U: Well I was wondering if you knew what was on it?.

all I can say is huh.

sitting in front of my computer some 6000 kilometers away from this guy who wants me to tell him what he has copied to a disk he has labled.

The stupidity of some people is beyond me.

This acually happened to my friend.

After installing a modem in a ladies computer and signing her up for internet. She went home and plugged everything up had a scare and called back.

CRU NET can we help you...

I got home and plugged this machine up like you said, plugged my phone line up and told it to connect.

THe thing started screaming popping and hissing and it was gonna BLOW UP! I hurried and snatched the plug from the wall.

This one happened in the week which put my team leader on antidepressants.

One of the others on my pod took the call - I think it was the new guy, who later became known as acci-dent - and it got passed to my team leader. As he was having a bad week, and he knew that it was all water off a duck's back to me (and my call stats were high enough that they could take the occasional long call), he'd taken to transferring some of the calls that he knew he'd get nowhere with to me. It also freed him up to help the new guys who made his life such hell.

I see him looking at me with an expression like a puppy which has been kicked in the privates. Oh dear, I think. This does not look good. He handed me a post-it note, and I called up the customer's details. This has got to be the weirdest one I've *ever* had.

The customer had called up reporting that his computer had started smoking. Fair enough, it does happen. He'd been worried about it setting his house on fire, and so had put it just outside. Again, fair enough. The problem was he'd got his bins just outside his front door too. Apparently the dustmen had taken his PC when they took the bins.

I took the transfer and calmly guided the customer to the part of the warranty which says that loss, theft and damage not caused by the operation of the unit (including storm damage) are not covered. Naturally, my team leader had already done this. Apparently he did not have house insurance as he'd only just moved in. I suggested that he would be best off contacting the council as there was nothing I could do, but he kept insisting that as the PSU had blown causing him to put it outside, it was our problem. He would probably have started asking us to recover his data for him next.

I told him that the procedure for a smoking power supply was to replace the PSU and power cord, and that if he wanted, I would send them out to him. He hung up. We never heard from him again.

Another one which was passed from my team leader to me - and then, the only time this has *ever* happened, to the helpdesk manager.

A customer called up, asking to make a complaint about the engineer who had called. This was the point at which it was passed to my team leader. He looked up the serial number given. No notes. He looked on the separate system which head office used. No notes.

The way our system worked, there was no way a customer could have *had* an engineer, if there were no notes. The engineers were subcontractors, whose job sheets were generated by our logging system. If it wasn't on there, the engineers didn't know about it. If our system was down - and this happened a lot. It was a sco box which someone had *lost* the case for - we'd take notes on paper, and do it later, calling the cust back to give them the appointment time.

No notes - no callout, simple as that. Even so, it's so rare for an engineer to be sent to a customer on their first call - usually because they get off the line to do something challenging like swapping monitor and base unit power cables - that there should have been a couple of call notes.

Apparently, this phantom engineer had turned up, drunk, taken the machine apart, taken some parts out, and gone back to his van and gone away.

Our engineers also don't drive vans. The customer then complained that he'd had a 10am appointment, and the engineer hadn't arrived until 2pm. Our appointments were either morning or afternoon, no specific time. My team leader was smelling so big a rat, it must have smelt more than the guy who ended up with the nickname 'scary'. Before he was attacked with an air freshener and three cans of Lynx in the car park.

He tried to explain all this to the customer, but the customer was insistent, even describing the engineer. This is where I came in, introduced as the group supervisor (there was no such thing). I listened to the customer go through all this again, while scribbling on a note to my TL that he should get the Man

ager to authorise my next action. I advised the customer that I was going to put them on hold and discuss this with *my* manager, as we'd never had this happen before, and of course took it very seriously.

I had my plan cleared, and picked the call up again.

"OK, Sir, what I've done, I've talked to my manager - and I'll put you on to him in a moment. While you're talking to him, I'm going to cancel your warranty, and put this through to our underwriter's fraud department for investigation, as there is simply no way we sent you that engineer. I'll just put you through." There was stunned silence through this.

They were not on the phone to the manager for long, and the warranty was cancelled, but none of us - not even the manager - had the authority to do this, and there was no such thing as a fraud department. I assume they'd tried to upgrade the machine, botched it, and then lied to try to get us to fix it.

I got a call, close to christmas, from a man with a problem. I have no idea what this problem was. He was clearly drunk - to the point where I could barely understand him. He sounded like the rambling old man on the Fast Show, and I put this on my notes.

I can't remember what I managed to dredge out of what he said, but I decided to fall back on my vast experience and comprehensive training, reboot him into safe mode and untick a few things I didn't like in MSconfig. Goodbye realplayer!

He rebooted the machine, and whatever his problem had been, it was fixed. It was then that the only clear sentence in the entire call came in. "And a merry christmas to you my dear."

We had a coffee machine on our floor, which dispensed caffienated water, chocolate that tasted like cardboard, and something almost, but not entirely, unlike tea. This was where my usual daily sustenance came from - unless it had been broken by too many people making mochas by getting an espresso and then a chocolate (no cup) and letting half he water go into the overflow.

Next to it, was the cold drink machine. As you would expect, it only had coke in it first thing monday morning. These machines can always be relied upon to contain the diet hairspray that nobody drinks, however, and it was a can of this that I was relying on when I took the call in question.

We weren't allowed to drink while on the phones, naturally, though I could quite easily drink without making slurping noises, but the can was in the service of my right eye.

I had a headache. A real nails-in-the-eyesocket headsplitter of a headache. Going home sick meant not getting paid, so I was soldiering on. Soldiering on with my feet on my desk, the can pressed to my eye, keyboard on my lap, writing very sparse notes with my left hand. I knew we had people coming round, but they never came round to our bit of the office, which was fairly well hidden round a corner.

I finish my call - a simple hyperterminal call, one of many that day, due to the usual act of god taking out the modems people hadn't unplugged - and my team leader waves, and tells me I have to go to Big Steve's office. This cannot be good. I must have been seen.

I tidy myself up and troop over, trying not to look like I'm chewing a wasp, and see one of the important people from head-office sitting there.

"We've been monitoring your calls for a while," He tells me.

"Oh, really?" I thought I'd heard a slight echo, but that's usually the team leader, and nothing to worry about.

"Yes, how do you think your last call went?"

"Erm, about the same as any other."

"It was a model call! Absolutely perfect. Good voice tone, well managed, word perfect on t

he script... we'd like to use this in training, is that alright with you?"

I looked at Steve. He shrugged.

"If I can have some nurofen."

This is from my pre-helldesk days, when I was writing the software in talking toys.

Anyone who has ever dealt with British Telecom will know that they have an automated system which works along these lines:

Hold music - 15 minutes

Wrong department - 1 minute

Hold music with annoying 'your call is valuable' interruptions - 15 minutes

Sound of someone breathing and then get disconnected.

Try again. Wrong department.

Hold music - 15 minutes.

Someone nice but useless - 3 minutes.

Wrong department, lather, rinse, repeat, all of this on my mobile.

Now what had happened so far was that I had called to get my phone line changed from my grandfather's name into mine, as he had recently died. What had actually happened was BT had cut me off. As I needed to send a number of files to the far east quite urgently, and it was saturday, I really needed my phone.

Eventually, I got through to someone who was very helpful, and who rather than telling me it would take 6 hours to get my phone back on (though it had taken them 10 minutes to disconnect it) he managed to get it done within a few minutes. He was rather scathing about what had happened, and when I explained, I didn't get the usual 'Well I'm sorry, I don't know how that could have happened' that I've spouted myself so many times (when knowing full well that it's head office cocking up *again) but he said that it was fairly common.

An idea suddenly struck.

"Enjoy your leaving do, by the way."

"I will, how did you know?"

"If you weren't about to leave, I think they would have fired you by now...."

I'm not an actual tech support person, but I get called because I know a little about computers. One of the guys I work with, an engineer, just bought his first home computer. Now, he has used a PC at work for several years, but it seems he loses all accumulated knowledge when he exits the gate at quitting time.

First off, he wanted a system that he could carry between his weekend home and his through the week home. So, instead of buying a laptop, he buys a desktop with an LCD, and proceeds to drill the PC case and attach a carrying handle with nuts and bolts. He stuffs the LCD into a suitcase and totes it back and forth. Luckily, he didn't destroy anything, and was smart enough to purchase a second keyboard, (or "fingerboard" as he calls it) and mouse.

Then, everyone on his email list starts getting viruses from him. It seems his 90-day trial of a popular anti-virus program ran out, and as he hadn't registered it, he couldn't get upgrades. He then began to blame the antivirus company for "disabling" his protection and planting a virus on his system just so he would have to buy their product. After many days of convincing him that it didn't happen that way, he now thinks his ISP planted the virus.

He did get rid of the virus, by spending over three hours on the phone with the PC manufacturer, who walked him through a complete restore and got everything back to square one. Now he is mad because all the files he had saved are gone. It's going to be interesting.....

I work as IT Manager for a group that specialises in digital services for the print industry. As most of my daily job is to clean up the #$%#e left behind by my inept predecessor, I have to deal with users who rightly complain that this or that is not working properly and so they can't do their job until it is fixed.

We have a remote office some thirty miles from where I am usually based that collects email from our exchange servers via a VPN. However, as they are on a different domain, they are prompted for a username and password whenever they log in to collect their email.

This one chap, the site director, rang me one morning to say he was having trouble getting his email and I must have changed his password or something.

As nearly all support calls from this site are down to "user issues" rather than valid technical problems, I rolled my eyes at a colleague in a here-we-go-again gesture and began to patiently talk the user through the procedure for collecting his email.

Me: So you click synchronise and it will prompt you for a username, password and domain. The domain box will be ready filled in, so leave that alone, but put your name in the top box and password in the middle one.

Geoff (the site director): What's my username? Is it still geoff dot [surname]?

Me: Yes.

Geoff: How do you spell Geoff?

Me: I dunno Geoff, it's your name.

At this point, my colleague looks across at me in disbelief, his eyebrows so far up his forehead they are practically on the back of his head. And he starts to laugh, and that sets me off too as I realise what I've just said.

I suppose it was one of those moments you had to be there to appreciate, but it was a good few minutes before I could take the guy off hold and speak to him with a straight "face"!

I do tech support for an isp, and was at work when the mail server died..

Queues and wait times went through the roof straight away. We put a message on the phones stating we are having problems with email, are sorry, are fixing, and for updates please visit our homepage and click on the link.

Despite this we still had a 35 min wait (normally max of 5), customers wondering why they cannot get their email and to complain about the long wait.

Then the big call came in,(nice pleasant customer) who's first comment was, "I suppose the long delay was the idiots who didn't listen to your message about the mail server!" I agreed it is creating a bit of a delay, and how can I help you.

"I can't get my email!!"

Some of our calls were on a premium rate line. It was in our contract that we had to tell all customers what rate the call was charged at, and that the calls could last no longer than 15 minutes. If we didn't do this, the company would have faced a fine so large it would have put us out of business.

Sometimes you got people like this:

*BEEEP*

"Good morning, thank you for calling.."

"Don't mind that crap I..."

"$boxshifter technical support. This is a"

"Oh just get on with it alread! I know all this!

"Premium rate call, charged at 60p a minute, and calls"

"I bloody know that! Just get on with it will you! Stupid bloody cow. S156827"

"Will last no longer than 15 minutes. May I start by taking your..."

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU!"

"computer's serial or order number please."

"S156827! The name's Jones, now can we please..."

"I'm just calling up your notes, Sir. The name here isn't Jones."

"Yes it bloody is! S165827!"

"That's not what you said originally, Sir." Clickety clickety."

"What's the bloody hold-up?"

"It takes time to get out of a record, sir, this is so that we cannot leave a customer's account without leaving a note."

"Can't you force the bloody thing?"

"No, Sir. You do realise that this has taken over a minute, and if you had remained calm, the greeting, which it is the law for us to say, takes less than 6 seconds, and calling up a record less than 10? Ah here we are. Now...Ah yes I see. Click on 'properties' for me."

"How do you know what I have on my screen?"

"Because the previous tech left comprehensive notes Sir."

The guy was argumentative the whole time, and everything took longer than it needed to. You wonder, sometimes, if these people like wasting money.

I work as a tech for a fairly large company that supports a stock analysis software. Well, a few months ago, a good deal of our subscribers in the New York state area were having a rough time connecting to our servers for data. Seems that some smart network engineer had decided to shutdown all access of our servers. Well, we had been in communication with this ISP, and they understood the problem and said they would "work on it." Well, a week later, the same problem exists, and we find out THEIR techs are telling our subscribers that it's our fault. Here's essentially a call that I received from one of these users:

Me: Thank you for calling ****, this is David, how can I help you?

Him: Fix my internet.

Me: Sir we don't support that, is there a problem with your program?

Him: Yeah, it doesn't download.

Me: Ok, let me get some of your info, oh, I see that you're using this ISP.

Him: Yeah, so?

Me: Well aparently we've been having some problems with their servers, turns out is that they have an access problem on their end.

Him(starting to get angry): Well why can't you fix it?!

Me: Because its on their end sir.

Him: Well, when will it be fixed?

Me: I can't give you an exact date, but a rough estimate is by the end of this week.

Him: Well, why can't you fix it now?

-Now we repeat the above 5 lines again.

Me: If you want to get a more definite timeframe of when this might be fixed, I'd recommend calling their tech support.

Him: Well, what will a time frame do for me?!!

Me: It will tell you when it will be fixed.

Him: Why can't you fix it now?

Obviously us techs have a magic button that we can press to fix problems. Though, this guy would have been better off with a lobotomy and not a computer.

My brother is usually fairly computer compedent, but he can be very naive at times.

Recently he decided to change over from AOL (DSL) to a Broadband connection supplied by a different ISP.

So he order the necessary modem, and gave the new ISP his freeserve email address for the necessary communications, as they checked out our phone line etc. And while he was doing this he suffered an ID10T error, and decided to be really efficient, and while he was online (via AOL), to use our other phone line, to cancel his AOL account, thinking that it would remain active till the next debit payment, which was in a weeks time.

WRONG!, as he found out 10 seconds later, when AOL disconnected him, leaving him unable to check his freeserve emails, and thereby the new ISP.

Fortunately, I use compuserve, so he was able to check his emails, and hopefully in a weeks time he will be back online once more.

As someone's been posting weird job ad tales I thought I'd add this one. I should probably point out before I start that I'm a short, skinny girl... but that I weigh about 10st (140lbs) due to being pretty muscular.

I few years ago, I went for a job working with macs. I'd had my own mac about a year, running OS8. I'd never really used System 7, except for a few minutes, and I'd never used NT4 Server. They only mentioned OS8 and mac hardware in the ad, and my CV didn't mention System 7 or NT in any way. My only PC experience was with 95 and 98.

I turned up early for the interview, due to unexpectedly efficient trains, and while they were seeing the previous guy, a van turned up with about 20 boxed iMacs in it. The weedy little guy unloading this van was clearly struggling, so despite being done up in my best suit and kitten heels, and still wearing the false nails I'd had on to go out in the night before, I shifted more than half the machines for him. I was just carrying the last one in when the manager came out to see me.

In the interview, I discovered the NT and System 7 requirements, and said I'd never really used them, but that I was sure I could pick up the differences between them and what I was used to pretty quickly. They gave me a test, and I breezed through the OS8 section, but was unsure about the NT and system 7 sections.

When I got the rejection letter which I'd been expecting, it said that they didn't feel that such a small girl could be expected to move machines about. I phoned up and asked about this, and they tracked it down to having scribbled 'she can't do as much as the blokes we've seen' on my CV in the interview, which is fair enough, as they'd meant the NT and System 7 stuff... I have no idea who translated that into 'she can't lift stuff'

So when I first got AT&T @Home (Now Insight), the guy comes over, does all the install stuff (splices, attaches filters, etc), tests the modem, opens a few websites and leaves. Happy and satisfied, I soon hear my girlfriend upstairs saying the cable TV is out. So we call the @Home office:

Angry Girlfriend: We just got our cable modem hooked up and now our cable tv is gone

Stupid Secretary: [something to the effect of "wasn't me"]

AG: [something to the effect of "hell yeah it was you; quite coincidental that it was working before the guy came and now that he just left, it's out"]

SS: You'll have to prove it was our guy and then we can set up an appointment for someone to come out and look at it [probably in like 3 weeks]

Fortunately our apartments have an on-call cable dude and all of the apartments are connected so the @Home guy managed to knock out cable for 8 apartments down the line and in one of those lived a little old lady that couldn't live without her soaps so at that moment, the cable guy knocked on the door, AG hung up on SS, and we had tv back in 2 minutes.

I have (as do so many of us) a --did I say "a"? as in JUST one?-- client who is DUMB as a post, where it comes to her pooter. I recently installed Windows 2000 Pro, about which she has unjustifiably complained ever since, for all the problems she claims it caused her, but in fact, (you guessed it) she caused.

For a variety of reasons, like her reinstalling the same driver about twenty times and losing her sound driver (Heaven knows why) umpteen times, I decided to reinstall Win2K Pro. But she offered a very interesting non-reason to reinstall it. The conversation went as follows:

Names have been changed to protect the dumb.

(After I show up at her home, and we exchange the usual plesantries)

Me: What seems to be the problem?

Her: Here. (Hands me a grocery list of problems)

Me: (one in particular catches my eye). What's this? You get the Blue Screen of Death EVERY TIME you boot up the computer?

her: Yes! Every single time!

Me: (I reboot the computer --I'm VERY suspicious.)

Her: (As the Windows 2000 appears) There! See it?

Me: (Staring stupidly): Where?

Her: That! You see, it's the blue screen of death!

Me: Ummm... Mary, that's blue wallpaper.

Her: What? I don't understand. I thought for SURE it was giving me the blue screen of death.

Me: (Waiting till Win2K finishes loading; then I log in as her ID, and press Ctrl-Alt-Del. Blue wallpaper appears.) Do you mean that THIS is the blue screeen of death?

Her: Yes... [hesitantly]...Hmmm. I thought for SURE it was the Blue Screen of Death.

Me: No, Mary. It's just wallpaper.

Her: Oh.

Me: (Mentally slashing HER wrists!) Yeah. Nothing to worry about.

AAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!

I work a help desk for a software company that makes a range of systems for Quick Service Restaraunts...

B is me, C is the Client:

B: , Brett speaking

C: "Can u help?"

B: "What with?"

C: "With the system"

B: "Which system?"

C: ""

B: "Which system?"

C: "The registers"

B: "They re not an system"

C: "No, the system"

B: "Ok, which system?"

C: "Um, Sunday"

B: "Do you mean the day, or the thing you put chocolate on?"

C: "The day"

B: "What s wrong with Sunday?"

C: "We didn't close the registers"

B: Ok, what store are you calling from?

C: Um,

B: "Ok, did you talk to anyone yesterday?"

C: "Yeah, I spoke to Kirk, that's all fixed up now"

B: "So what are you having problems with?"

C: "The system"

B: "Which system?"

C: "The registers"

B: "Well, they re not an system, but I'll bite. What s the problem with the registers?"

C: "I'm closing them manually because Kirk told me to."

B: "Ok, what's the problem?"

C: "I've done the daily close, that worked fine"

B: "Ok, what's the problem?"

C: "I just wanted to know if I have to do a weekly close?"

B: "That's entirely up to you, as long as you did the Daily Close, the systems will be happy."

C: "Ok, so I don't really have a problem?"

B: "Doesn't appear so."

C: "Ok, thank you! Bye!"

I was passed a call to follow up on from the weekend... And people wonder why I describe myself as an Idiot Wrangler:

B = Me, C = Client

C: ", speaking"

B: "Hi, it's Brett from . I need to dial in now to have a look at your rostering problem"

C: "Ok. Our rostering system isn't working."

B: "Yeah, that's why I need to dial in, to fix it."

C: "It doesn't let us go into roster preparation. Someone is calling today to fix it."

B: "That would be me, I'm calling to fix it. Can you set up for communications?"

C: "Sure. So can you fix it today?"

B: "If I can dial in, I should be able to fix it."

C: "Great, when would you like to dial in?"

B: "Well, if you set up for communications, I can dial in now and have a look at it"

C: "Ok, should I set up for communications?"

B: "Yes please, that would be great"

C: "Ok"

pause

C: "Oh, I'm just in the middle of day cash, so I can't set up for communications."

B: "Ok, call me when you can, and I'll dial in then."

I work a a large well-know university in a certain state, lets call it "(certain state) State University". I had a call from a guy who only had on question, below is a complete recounting of that episode

*ring ring*

Me: not again

*ring, click*

Me: tech support may I help you

Him: yes you guys are in (insert name of certain state) arent you.

Me:yes

Him: ok, thanks, bye

Me: bye

*click*

I do email support for several programs. One of them is a program that creates ebooks in .exe format out of HTML files. One man kept trying to use Microsoft Word to make his ebook and was getting upset because it wasn't working. When I explain to him that he needed to use an HTML document, he responded with "What kind of HTML can I use? I don't think I have any on my computer."

From: (l)user@xxx.com

29 January 2003 13:43 CST

To: Servicedesk@xxx.com

cc:

bcc:

Subject: Laptop Problem

I am in Nashville and have had an accident with my Laptop with Coffee being spilt into the keyboard. The Guys here Recovered my essentail data from the Hard drive but the PC needs to be looked at n my return. Not sure if it will ever work again.

I should be in the office on Monday. Can you please arrange for someone to look at it and a loan machine

**********

Well i put it though, i even resistsed commenting on the ticket, however i will be telling the rest of the guys about it, and keeping an eye to see what happens ;o)

As a supervisor for my Tier 2 Tech support group, I have to take the irate clients. Because we work for a major university, there are students here from other countries whose command of English isn't the greatest. Despite the language barrier, the vast majority of these are amiable people who know enough to follow instructions pretty well.

That being said, one gentleman called in, let's call him Seth. He didn't know English terribly well, and one of my guys took him and figured out he was using his Capse Lock key to put in his password to our system, which is case sensitive. He asked Seth to remove the Caps Lock and try logging in. No dice, but when my guy did so himself, he could get in fine, so he asked again whether he was using upper case or lower case letters, and Seth said lower case. My tech once again told him to not use upper case letters and to use lower case letters from then on out.

5 minutes later, Seth called in again and the same scenario played out about 5 more times after that. Each time, my techs informed him to not use the Caps Lock key, even after he said he had it off, and to use lower case letters to gain access to our dial up servers, since they were case sensitive. One tech even went so far as to change Seth's password for him while Seth was on the phone with him (not exactly policy, but occasionally done if it means getting rid of... er... helping the client) and Seth thanked him for doing so.

On the 7th call in, Seth was fuming mad and asked to talk to the supervisor on station, which thise evening was myself. I asked my tech to transfer it to me, and (you guessed it) the same scenario played out. He said to me no less than three times he was using the caps lock key, and I asked him every time to not do so and use lower case letters. Finally he relented and used lower case letters. He was quite surprised when he was able to log in successfully to his account using lower case letters and thanked me for helping him. Before he left, he informed me that all the tec

hs recommended upper case letters instead of lower case letters. I was about ready to chew him out, since all of the techs I had working tonight were well within earshot of me, and every last one told him to use lower case letters. Before I could though, he hung up. After I got done with him, we considered revoking his Help Desk privelages.

a customer called quite recently and instantly started babbling.. here is part of the conversation...

me-me :)

cust-customer:(

Cust: "HELP ME!"

Me "Ok what seems to be the problem"

Cust "I turned on my computer and it all went weird"

Me "Sir do u think u could be a little more specific?"

Cust "well..I switched my computer on and the screen wouldnt come on..it asked me to supply a password and just a bright blue thing came up saying to type in a password or something" -(yes I heard you the first time grrrrr)

Me "Well sir was it you who created the password or perhaps another user".

Cust "no it was me"

Me "Ok well have you perhaps tried to type ur password in?"

Cust "err thats ridiculous.. this is my computer!! I created a password so no other thieveing so and so could come and steal my files.. but being as I own this damn computer I thought the computer would no its me and just let me on"

Me "No sir i`m afraid that the only way your computer knows its actually you is if you type in the password you created in order to access your account".

Cust "what? you obviously dont know a thing.. I think I will call somewhere that is willing to help me"

Me "well good luck then sir.. but I am sure that anywhere else will tell you exactly the same thing"

Cust "I will call around until I can get decent service!"

Me "I`m sorry you feel that way sir.. you have a nice day now"

Cust "WELL YOU. . . . .

ME CLICK

What?? I cant believe you get people like this! is the computer supposed to have eyes to f**ing see that it is he @ his computer?

anutha (l)user

geeze

At our school, we have about 16 computers per class. Normally, two or three are down because of something or another, but here are two great stories that me and another extreamly-litterate kid found. (PS: we are hated/liked by the IT department, because we kind all sorts of junk that is hard to stop and easy to do.)

1:

Because of Citrix (thin-style server) we log in, and that brings us to our local desktop. Then on the startup menu we are ducted into our citrix desktop. Well, by hiting the Windows key while on Citrix, you used to be able to run DOS in citrix-land. This allowed anyone (me and other kid) who knew DOS to be able to do anything with out restraint. that was stopped rather fast.

2:

By going to any program, on any desktop, you click open and then type \\fs\. this grants near-unlimited accses to the file server. You can delete any kids account, too. Plus, I found a file, somerwhere named "Security Review." This took the department a long time to fix, as we had to accses the file server to accses our OWN files...

3:

This is short. one teacher at the school, say the blank moniter and hit hte power button on the computer. The thing was already on, and so it shut down- and they lost 30 min. worth of junk.

Something you get used to after a while on the helldesk is that people just don't listen to you.

While I was working for the helpdesk, I had a second phone line put in, so I wouldn't keep tying up my parents' line with my dialup. I had an answerphone on it which basically said this is my dialup line, I'm not going to call you on it, go away. Almost every day for a couple of weeks I had messages for someone called Andy, who was apparently not turning up for work much at a local supermarket. After a while, I changed the message to include that I wasn't Andy, and didn't even know anyone called Andy. The messages didn't end until a I'd got one informing me Andy had now been fired.

This sort of not-listening-to-the-recording was responsible for all sorts of people coming through to the wrong department - usually the same people over and over again - and for these two little gems.

Our premium rate line was very quite, understandably as it mas charged at 60p a minute. One saturday, the queue jumped from 0 calls waiting to over 200 - and then the system crashed. When the system came back up, virtually every call was the same - someone wanting to buy on something on the newly-launched Bid-Up channel.

We started changing our greeting to include "This is not the bid-up line, we are nothing to do with Bid-Up TV nor do we know what their number actually is. If you do not have a Tiny computer, please hang up now. Do not try to call again."

Despite this, when we then asked for the computer's serial or order number, virtually every person still on the line said "What's my computer got to do with this I want to bid on the..." We established that Bid-Up had given out our number by mistake, and our switchboard just couldn't handle that volume of calls. It fell over several times that day.

Another slightly different case was another old man. He called up and gave his serial number, but it wasn't in the format of any machine we'd ever sold. We checked he was looking in the right place. We checked

where the store he'd bought it from was. We checked by postcode, on our system and head office's, nothing. He was calling the number that the salesman had given him, as it was a sale machine with no documentation. Our main suspicion was a sales droid on the fiddle.

Eventually, after about 20 minutes, something dawned on me. "Sir, are you SURE this is a Tiny computer?"

"YES! I got it in the Tiny shop, and it was your number the salesman gave me."

"Does it have a red T on the front?"

"No, it's green."

"Ah. Sir, would you mind spelling Tiny for me?"

"Tiny? T-I-M-E."

The old man was dyslexic - something he'd explained, and why we'd checked the serial number several times. Our shops were often very close Time's shops (probably the only people in the UK who made worse machines than us) and it seems that the salesman had moved from one shop to the other, and already had the tech support number memorised.

Time and Tiny later merged, but too late for this poor chap.

At this point, Time were advertising with Doctor Apocalypse or some such name, a hopeless supervillain who wanted to take over the world with his powerful new Time computer. They had life-size cardboard cut-outs of him in their shops.

Sales people are easily distracted by suit-wearing young men who ask technical questions. When they are talking to such a young man, they do not notice the girl who's just walked in, looking slightly lost. Even when she picks up Dr Apocalypse and casually saunters off up the high street.

It was nearly christmas, and he had pride of place in the centre of our pod, cheerily decked with santa hat, tinsel and baubles. We would have had lights, but had nowhere to plug them in.

He was taken away two days later by management before anyone from Tiny head office could see him.

I work in a small I.T. office of 4 people, servicing the needs of about 200 users. Even though this is a small group to pull from, we have our moments.

Me: Computer Room, this is (alias)Jim(/alias).

User: I think I have that email virus I heard about in the news.

Me: Why do think that? (We scan all our e-mail.)

User: Outlook is translating all my words into Japanese.

Me: What?

User: I'll type in a word, and it comes out Japanese.

Me: Could you send me a test mail?

I got the mail. He had set his e-mail html font to wingdings.

This was a real support email. The user installed a software firewall. The firewall, like most of the on the market these days, prompts for various applications accessing the network. This poor chap got a prompt for Win32 Kernel. Thinking it's a virus, he terminated it (our firewall offers that), which caused his computer to freeze (duh!!). So he tried it a couple of more times before finally emaling us the story. I couldn't keep the straight face while reading it.

OK. So this guy calls me up and tells me that he got an email with the download link from us, but that link doesn't go anywhere. He reads me back the link, and sure enough, it's not right. So I give him the correct one.

Then I ask him to forward the copy of the email that he received to me, so I can figure out why there is a wrong link in there. So what does he tell me? And this is an exact quote: "I can't send you a copy of the email because my printer is broken."

Ok, this one just happened about twenty minutes ago. We're still in training and today was our first day taking calls. We buddied up so we could have a little extra support should we need it. A guy calls up and wants to cancel his account, and the guy I'm sitting with gives him the number, closes out the case, and gets ready to get off the phones. He forgot to hit the "Make Busy" button so that he didn't get another call. Lo and behold, another call comes through. This is what happened:

Tech: Thank you for calling (Name Withheld) tech support, please hold.

Lady: Can I give you my case ID.....

Tech: Give me just a second.

At which point he accidentally hit the wrong button in our call handling software, and she got dropped. He didn't realize he had dropped the call until he got the NEXT call. Needless to say, at this point, I'm rolling, because he knew he was going to do it at some point tonight.

We've all decided his new nick name is going to be "Drop Zone".

it was my first day @ my ISP and i was wrapping up a call were i had to transfer a woman to our customer service team...well i did and i ended up not transfering right and i ended up skipping to the next call right away without finishing up my notes on the call i had to transfer.

"welcome to ISP technical support can you please hold" i said to the little 70 year old woman who told me that she had been on hold for an hour and a half trying to reach me anyway.

"sure" she said trying to tell me her whole life story at once "but would you like my case number for the last call i had"

"sure " i said "if you can hol on just a sec......"

as i had finished up my paper work from the transfer i had before her...i dropped her like a bad habitt...i had not realized that by doing that i would automaticaly hang up on the current person and go right to the next:)

well hopefully she wont sue....;)

In the early 90's I managed a Help Desk for a wireless telecom company in Southern California. They were very concerned about asset management. It came to the pass that Finance, concerned about losing capital, hired a team to digitally asset tag each computer. They went around to each PC and inserted their program floppy to download some info and to write files with a asset number. They also tagged it on the outside with a sticker. The funny thing about this is right after they started, we started getting lots of calls about viruses on PC's. We scanned the PC's and found that yes, they were infected with the "stoned" virus. We were puzzled. Especially, since this being pre-internet/email. These were mostly stand alone PC's. We investigated and found....obviously, that the consultants doing the asset tracking were spreading the virus with their program floppies. Gotta love them consultants.

A while back, I went out of town for a week to visit family. When I got back on Saturday morning, I found that I was unable to get a dialup connection. After a quick check to make sure that we hadn't had a lightning strike or anything like that, I called the ISP to see if they were having trouble.

(After some time on hold...)

Tech: Thanks for blah blah blah how can I help you?

Me: I can't get a connection. I want to make sure there's no outage on your end.

T: Have you changed your network settings?

M: No, I've been out of town since Monday. Nothing has changed.

T: That's what I mean.

M: Huh?

T: After yesterday's scheduled maintenance, all users need to change their network settings in order to connect. We sent out an email on Thursday describing the changes.

M: Whatever. What do I need to change?

T: It's all in the email.

M: Um, okay. And I would read that how, exactly?

T: ((sigh)) How do you read email? Open Internet Explorer, and go to [webmail address]. In the field marked "username"....

M: No, no, I understand that procedure. But I can't connect to the network.

T: Sir, I already explained that you need to change your settings. It's all explained in the email

M: And how am I supposed to read the email?

T: [condescending] Sir, email is easy to use, I am just attempting to explain....

M: [annoyed] Is it possible to use email without connecting to the Internet?

T: [even more condescending] No, sir, a connection is required.

M: Right. Now, what did you want me to do again?

T: Check your email.

M: What for?

T: To find out the new settings.

M: Because...?

T: Because you can't connect.

M: Yes. Think about that for a moment.

About fifteen seconds later, he finally got it, and apologized for being so dense. It's a rare and wonderful tech who can admit when he's wrong. =B^)