Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

My wife works in a business where each employee has a shared folder based on their position in the company. The receptionist has 'reception' and so on. This business went through a placement service for an extra help employee, who ended up working the front desk. one day i got a call asking to help out since all the files were gone, months and months worth. of course the temp put all her files where they belonged, C:/TEMP. God I love my work.

Me:XXXXXXXXXX network Dialup support, How can i help u?

C:Hello i'm trying to connect but i cant. Please open your modem, so i can connect.

Me:We have about 2000 modems and we have already online 1700 ppl so we don't have a problem

C:Ou Sorry, Now i'm tring to connect but i can't

Me:How many lines do u have in your House?

C:One

Me:ou i see u Know when u have one line u can only use it for one dial. So u may not have connected your modem at your phone line

C: nooo i have connected it at my Phone

(after 5 calls, i wanted to kill him).. i still trying to explain him that he have to connect his modem to the wall not to a Telephone!

I do telephone technical support, and have made many submissions about customers, but here's my expereince from the other side:

I purchased a pager from a third party, and, when I activated it, I was told it was leased, not owned. The true owner fought with the company for three months, at which time the person helping him gave up on getting the records straight and just gave him a brand-new pager, set up the records correctly, and transferred it to me. I called and activated the new pager, intending to keep the leased pager for a short time as well. After four calls to tech support, I finally got my new pager working. And the old one stopped working. Not wanting to fight them to get the old pager working (and risk breaking the other one), I drove across town to return the old pager. When I got there, the counter man accepted the pager and looked it up. He couldn't find it at all. It was on their inventory, but wasn't listed as being anywhere. With any luck, I won't have any more problems. I won't mention the company name, but those AIRheads are really out of TOUCH.

If something's going wrong with the mail of our clients,

it's redirected to the postmaster (together with

an error message etc etc). For lots of these, we are the postmaster.

The text below is from one of them. I hope this student never gets a degree,

I hate to be on a coastal tanker she designed, or to live near a coast

where this boat might come near to.

...

I am a final year engg student (Naval Architecture).

My Project is to design a Coastal Tanker (dwt 6000t).

...

Sir, My Professors have asked me to find the answer of two questions .

...

1) Whatz a Coastal Tanker ?

2) Whatz the difference between a coastal tanker and an ordinary tanker ?

...

I searched the whole net for the database but couldn't find one.

...

Caller: Just movedto new location and get message that

computer has no dialtone

Me: Which jack on the computer did you plug the phone line

into?

Caller: I have this surge protector

Me: So?

Customer:I have both ends on phone line going to the surge

protector

Me: to myself: Oh my G**, to customer, Please plug the

outgoing line from

the surge protector into the line jack on the back of

computer

Customer: Wow, I have a dial tone

I was dispatched on a warranty call to a customer's home to test his memory SIMMs. The help desk tech had determined that there was a memory problem but there were scarce other details other than the acronym: PEBCAK.

When I arrived I did some initial testing while the customer explained his problem. Whenever he ran his "Deer Hunter" CD game he got a message saying that his volatile memory was critical. The customer was upset by this message and after I made several attempts at explaining Ram, the customer finally blurted out, "But couldn't critical volatile memory burst into flames?" At this point I understood why the help desk tech had included PEBCAK (Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard).

Before I left I assured him that his volatile memory would not burst into flames . . . I said, "That's the job of your flammable memory." (BEG)

Over the years, I've been referred to as the computer guru of several offices. It's not just a job, it's an adventure. Especially when just knowing what a computer is will earn you that title in many offices. I once worked for one of the most computer illiterate bosses of all time. She would pull me away from my regular duties repeatedly for one simpleton question after another. After years of putting floppys into the drive, the really foolish move was bringing me in to ask why her disk wouldn't go in. Well duh...turning it over helps.

The best though was when she wanted me to show her how to save a document to disk so she could work on it at home. Now this was using an old DOS based program (I wasn't ready to pull her into the world of windows...don't think I ever was ready). I showed her how and she took the disk home, brings it back the next day and calls me in wondering where all her changes are. Finally figuring out that she'd saved it to her hard drive at home, I once more went through the process of how to save and make sure it said A:/yada yada. She retypes all that she'd worked on at home and again saves the file. The next day she comes in claiming that none of the changes she did at the office were on the disk she took home. ARRRGH!

You can lead them to water, but you can't make them drink...or in this case, even think.

[PLEASE DO NOT INCLUDE MY NAME IN THIS ARTICLE]

There are 'n' of us in Tech Support where I work. We are responsible for supporting our external clients as well as all in-house support.

We are fortunate that the majority of company personnel

possess computer savvy. However, there's always one who

makes you wonder how they passed 2nd grade, let alone

work on a computer.

On this particular day, our primary server was down due to

system changes we made the earlier evening. No-one in the office could do their jobs because of this. So there we were in our computer room, deperately trying to bring the ailing server back to life so the company could move on.

Sweat rolling off our brows, and working feverishly to

accomplish our task, I notice "this person" entering the

computer room..... (Names omitted for good reasons)

L = Totally lost enduser

M = Me

L "Oh Hi, M...And how are you??'

M " Hi, I'm really busy now..."

L "So...are you doing O.K.?"

M "No...I'm not...I'm really busy"

L " So how've you been??"

M "Good.."

L "So things have been going good for you?"

M "Yeah.."

L "So how've you been??" (I'm not kidding)

M "Right now...BAD...our systems are down"

L "Are they down.??Really ?? Can I do my work??"

M "No...right now nobody can...this is pretty critical"

L "You mean I can't sign-on?"

M "No, nobody in the company can"

L "So are you busy???"

M "YES...VERY BUSY...why???"

(L pulls me over to the side)

L "I need to see right now you for a few minutes"

M "WHY??!?!?"

L "I need a screen saver installed on my PC"

M [PAUSE] [Death stare] "You've GOT to be kidding......

The company is down and you want a SCREEN SAVER??!!!"

L "Well, won't my monitor burn up??"

M "NO...it hasn't yet, has it??"

L "But with the system down, should I leave my monitor

off so it won't burn up without a screen saver???"

M "[deep breathe].....Sigh......." [Walking away holding my head] "Sigh......" [Again]

By the way, this was the same person who we (Tech Support)

had to make this person's password their first name

so they wouldn't forget it....well, they did (forget the password)....Pretty scary huh??

I work at the helpdesk of a small, New England public college. One day, a student asked for help with e-mail. Someone had sent her some JPEGs with an e-mail message.

We use Pine for E-mail. Though it's great for sending text, it can't display anything that's not text. After 30 minutes of walking this student through saving and downloading the files, she finally opened them.

As she oohed and ahhhed over the baby pictures, I thought my work was done. Then, she asked about printing. That was as easy an pressing "print", but there was one slight problem; she wanted to print the pictures in color, and the room's only printer was a monochrome laser.

I suggested that she save the pictures to the network and print them in a friend's room, since most students have color inkjets, but she refused. I tried very hard to explain why a monochrome printer can't print in color, but she still doesn't get it.

The student is studying Broadcasting. If she knows a color TV show won't be seen in color on a black and white TV, why can't she grasp the same concept in a printer?

"Excuse me. My computer won't fax right."

(Fax? We're your ISP. But okay.. I'm amused.)

"Can you explain that in a bit more detail Ma'am?"

"Well, I start up the fax program, hit send, and it

always hangs up right away and doesn't send anything."

"What kind of file are you sending Ma'am?"

"It's a letter."

"What did you use to write the letter? Microsoft word perhaps?"

"Oh. Yes. I used word. But that shouldn't matter, should it?

I mean, it's on a piece of paper now anyway."

.... It turns out what she was doing was hitting 'dial' then

holding the paper face-down on her monitor.At least she tried!

A similar call came in where a gentleman couldn't get his modem to dial.

He was pressing dial, then holding the telephone handset up to the screen.

I work for a rather large ISP in tech support. I recently

received a call from a customer with a very heavy New Orleans

accent who said that his computer just says "You are

connected." Simple problem, he needed to open his browser.

What made the call interesting was this:

He's having some trouble finding the start button, so he

decideds to launch into "a little bit of history". According

to this customer, back in 1954 he got mugged by some guys

who burned his eyes with hot pokers, so he's a little blind.

Fine. Not a problem. Then, he says that he can feel around

inside the computer; he's psychic. Interesting way of

navigating, but hey, whatever works. Then he says that he's

a transvestite and he thinks that that helps his abilities.

At this point I had a really hard time not laughing into

the phone, but luckily his cordless died and he got

disconnected. I swear this actually happened, as odd as it

sounds.

I once worked in a telecommunications department of a local ISP. How I got the job was fairly amazing. The man who interviewed me was a soft-spoken man in a 3-piece suit who asked about my technical expertise, and specifically what proof I had of said expertise. I spoke of the various systems I had worked with, but he didn't seem impressed, stating he was a senior technical analyst, and demanded proof of everything. It seemed the interview was going poorly, because I think he wanted some sort of paper proof, like a college degree, that I could just whip out at that moment. The resume simply wasn't enough. One of the distractions he had was that his screen saver on his WinNT laptop kept going on every two minutes. As the interview droned on, he became more and more angry at this screen saver, which he would angrily slap the space bar to get back to his desktop. Finally, I said, "You know, you can change that setting to when your screen saver comes on." He perked up and said, "Really?" like I had suggested something that would be nothing short of a miracle. I right-clicked on the desktop, and showed him how. He was amazed, the interview went really well from there, and I got the job the next day.

While the job ended up being a poor decision, it ended up getting me a much better job later. But when people ask how I got my foot in the door to this company, they never believe me that it was not my college degree, but the fact I changed the time settings for the "Mystify your Mind" screen saver.

At my last job I did hardware and software support. We had a user bring in a laptop computer saying that it wasn't working. I check over the system and found that the DC to DC power board was shot. I call up the manufacture of the laptop and found that the laptop was only a week old. The person brought in a laptop that was a week old and was willing to pay the cost of parts + $70.00 per hour for labor. I verify with the manufactures tech that we are a repair facility and he releases the registered user name and address information. It doesn't match up with the person who brought the laptop in! I called the registered user of the laptop and they were more than happy to provide the insurance and police reports showing that the laptop was stolen.

The end result of all of this is that when the user who brought the laptop in came to pick it up, we had 3 local police officers waiting to pick him up and ask him a few questions.

Some of the stories here remind me of an article printed in the german magazine Der Spiegel a couple of years ago.

They had a funny report about animals residing in computers:

An old 8088 PC with open slots: mice had been making up their nest right on the processor. Dry, hidden, and pretty warm...

Rat's nests inside spacious mainframe machine cases

And little insects inside keyboards. They wrote, the insect would live from the programmers snack's crumbs ...

The other day on of my fellow techs was working on a machine that was having problems with the hdd not booting.

After looking at the machine and the fault seemed to be in the bios somewhere, he took the top off (just to be sure - as you do!). He then noticed burn marks on the BIOS chip. Obviously the Bios was the problem but we couldnt explain the burn marks. When the customer returned for the machine he was asked about the burns - just to see if the user had noticed anything. Turns out the pc had been brought second hand and after checking out the internet for yk2 compliancy the customer had "flashed" the chip by hooking a couple of wires up and passing 230 volts through it!!!

How the machine sort of went after this I still dont know.

M: Hello, ISDN helpdesk.

C: Hello, I've got a problem, a bought your ISDN modem and it won't work.

M: Is it an external adapter or a network card.

C: It is a card in my PC

M: And when you run the line check...

C: It says "Layer 1 error, check cable or NT"

M: Well I think there is something wrong with your cable to the NT or with the NT itself.

C: Well I have a wall socket in my room but the cable from the card didn't fit in to it so we had to cut the cable and put on an other plug on it. (a RJ11 plug)

With my anologe modem connected to the wall cocket, I can make a connection to my ISP but not with my ISDN card.

M: DUH!

I work e-mail tech support for a very large corporation (think Hot Wheels). Today this message crossed my inbox. Below is the text copied in its entirety.

)I would really like to go to your website..but it won't let me. it )says.. "Connection Confused"

Needless to say all of us e-mail techs got a good laugh.

I work at a large compuer retailer in the service department. Recently a customer caled in saying that the brand new laptop they had gotten would not read DVDs. I confirmed that their model had a dvd-rom, and asked what happened when they inserted a dvd.

Cust: Well, the thing doesn't go all the way in.

Me: Is the disk all the way down on the spindle?

C: Yes, but it still won't go in the computer.

Me: Can you see anything in the way of the disk?

C: No.

Me: Well, it sounds like you have something jammed in there. can you drop it off for service?

C: OK......Do you need all the pieces that fell out too?

Me: ??????? Uh, yeah.

When the unit was brought in, the problem was readily aparent. The cdrom drive was bent up to a 30 degree angle from the side of the unit, looking just like a ski jump. Aparently someone had set the laptop down with the cdrom drive halfway out of the computer. The customer had obediently brought in a ziplock bag with all the pieces that had broken off of the drive, and wouldn't understand why the problem was not covered under warranty.

I was sitting at the helpdesk. A user comes to the counter with a CD in one hand, and an old 5 1/4 floppy disk drive in the other. Without saying a word, he looks at me, then the drive. He slides the CD into the drive, and pulls it back out. He looks at me (expecting a response I guess). I smile at him and he repeats his action, and looks at me again. I said "What"!? He repeats the action again and stares at me. I say "Why are you doing that"? He says "Why won't it grab the disk"? I said (pointing to the disk then the drive) "Because THAT, is a CD, and THAT is a floppy drive". He says, "You mean this won't work"? I said "No"! I find out later that he even went to my co-workers, complaining "He says this won't work". They tell him I'm right. The kicker of this all is that this person is an engineer...involved in the manufacture of automobile airbags! Scary....

I sometimes wonder of the validity of some of the tales on this site until I receiced this call last week!!

caller.. hello is that tech dept

tech.. yes madam what seems to be the problem.

caller.. I cannot get access to the net, I get an authentication error.

tech.. Ok can you highlight your password and retype it in.

caller.. er ok wait a minute...

connects again same problem!!!

caller.. that didn't seem to work!!

tech.. are you sure you types in the correct password all lower case no spaces!!

caller..YES positive!

tech.. can you spell your password whilst you type it in!

caller.. yes of course D_E_N_N_I_S

tech.. that is not your password

caller.. oh! i thought it might be, that is why i put it in!!

tech..why would you think that.

caller..because it is the name of the dog that the system engineer brings in and it is nice so I put that in!!!!

stupid beyond belief!!

HEHE

Customer : Hi there, I can't log in to the network. Can you help me

Me : Sure. What do you see happening on your computer?

Customer : Well it's got a blue screen and I don't know what to do. Every time I select OK it asks me for the A:\ drive. Please help me. I have to get in to the network now.

Me : I'll be right down to you.

*****

On arriving at the customer's desk,

Customer : See, there you are. It's got a blue screen and I can't get past it.

Me : Well if you selected "Skip Undo" rather than "Create Undo disk" this wouldn't have happened.

Customer : Great. Thanks for your help.

*****

It appears that the customer selected Create Undo disk from Scandisk on starting Win95 and didn't have a floppy disk handy but didn't know how to get out of the loop of asking for one!

I work for a large library, in the electronic services dept. In addition to help out Director maintain the 200+ computers in the county, I troubleshoot and educate my fellow staff members. We use XXXX computer company, because they are local, and their CEO is on our board. Well, most if not all of the products we buy from them are either dead out of the box, break within 3 months, or are no-name brands that seem to have wierd performance issues. This has been extremly frustrating because we can't do anything about it...the powers that be just keep buying from these folks, even though the product is consistantly awful. My supervisor and I were at their headquarters dropping off two broken monitors (one died, and the replacement was dead out of the box), and we had a chance to chat up the son of the CEO/Owner. Turns out he was working on a Dell Laptop. (they won't even use their own products!!!) How's that for product confidence!!??

I do tech support for a company that has a year in its name. Of course, we have version numbers attached to the program (version 11, version 12, etc). Currently we support two versions of our software, versions 11 and 12. The thing that always makes me want to yell "You Moron" is whenever I ask them what version of our software they are using, they always answer XXXX (which is the year). I ask them again, okay, but what's the release (hoping that'll jar them awake). The answer almost always comes back says "Well, how do I know?", as if they're supposed to know that.

AAAAAAARGH!!!!!

When the company I worked for was just starting up, I had to provide support to the rest of my collegues.

Here's how a phone conversation with a collegue in the rural areas Went.

C= Collegue

C: I've just turned on the computer and how do i log on to the network?

Me: What do you see in front of you?

C: A blue sreen asking "Are you a subscriber". What do i do?

( That was our login screen and we had to type either "yes" or "y", and then hit Enter)

Me: Press "y"

There was a long pause an finally i asked:

Me: What has happened?

C: The screen is filling up with y's!

I realised that she still had not released her finger form the "Y" key.

Users have done it with 8", 5.25" and 3.5" disks.

Now the world has Iomega ZIP disks. Guess what?

I heard loud banging noises and some screams from

the office of another company on the same floor

in our building. Curious as I am, I walked over to see

what's happening. I see one of the guys over there

holding his head and looking very very angry at his

computer. He smashed his keyboard with his fists, it

was broken.

I walk in.

Me: What's the problem, I can hear you scream

all the way to my room.

He: Well, I lost all of my personal backups that I made

on my ZIP disk. They're my only copy. It contains my CV,

letters to my friends, my financial stuff, everything.

I put in my ZIP disk and no matter how I try, I can't get

anything off it.

Me: Let me see, I am using ZIP since it was on the market,

they are very reliable.

He: Fine, but it's no use, I know as much as you.

Me: OK, OK. Where is the drive?

He: It's an internal drive, there.

At that moment, both of us see what's the problem.

I have never seen anything like it. Except for floppy disks,

but those are a bit easier to do this with. His computer

was a desktop model, and the ZIP drive was installed vertically.

He inserted the ZIP disk upside down. It took some time

to het the disk out. The disk was fine (and his data too)

we tried it on another computer, but the drive was gone

to meet its maker. So now he had to explain to his boss

why he needed another keyboard and another ZIP drive. Hehe.

Hi, I work at one of the larger Antivirus Companies at the EMEA helpdesk.

The following call happened:

Hello, TechSupport, How can I help you?

- Hi, your programm reported I have a memory resident virus.

Did it give you the name?

- Yes, but I have changed the memorybanks, to clear it from the machine,

but it still reports it is there.

......................................

I explained the customer he had to 'clean-boot' from a disk.

It took me about 10 minutes to do so. The customer had no clue on how

the pc worked internally. I could understand his way of thinking, and we

both had a good laugh on it. He actually thanked me for explaining how it

worked.

Feel free to change the writing to your likings.

GJ Alink

Netherlands

A customer calls and well, he started complaining about why

The company changed their website.

He spent the next 30 minutes on the phone complaining about, why he had to upgrade.

I am a technician for a living for a removeable drive company and was helping a friend to install a game on their computer. Well the game didn't run on their system for some reason, but that is beside the point. I'm sitting there

doing an uninstall of the game and suddenly the screen color goes from white to yellow. I rebooted a few times and reinstalled the video card driver, but to no avail. Well I had to go and didn't have anymore time to mess with it and let them know I'd look at it later. Well when I got back to them my friend joyously exclaimed that her son had fixed it.

Sure enough, the colors were all normal. I asked how and she replied, 'my son deleted files!'. After I recovered, I asked what did you delete exactly??? The answer was a few programs and microsoft works. Damn microsoft again...

Well their system is working so far, but I am going to stay away for now...

Long time ago, when Windows wasn't yet on the market,

I had this strange experience...

A client who was using our software accepted my advise

to learn more about DOS. He called very often about the

most basic issues and I got a bit tired of that: 'what's

a dir', 'why have the 5.25" floppies a big opening

to put your fingers on' and 'how do I copy files on

the floppy'.

While learning DOS, he was experimenting with the commands.

I told him to be very careful with several commands, like

FORMAT. No problem, he didn't format his drive.

But he had to re-install DOS all over again because of a

nice thingy. Give him credit, he was learning quick.

He was in de DOS-directory of his computer. The dir

containing all the 'external commands'. And the

wonderful command was:

FOR %F IN (*.*) DO COPY EDLIN.COM %F

Thirty copies of Edlin, and they can be executed by

any known name... :-)

As a LAN Administrator/Engineer, I don't get too many desktop support calls these days. One came last week and reminded me how much I love these calls.

An end User - call her Emily - called me to report that her MS Exchange email was not working, and hadn't been working for hours. "What," she asked, "is wrong with the email system? I know it's not working, since I haven't gotten any email all day."

I advised Emily that I would check into the problem, and let her know. I checked her configuration, and found nothing wrong.

I asked others in her department about their email; no one else seemed to be having problems ...

Before logging into the Exchange servers, I logged into my Hotmail account, and sent Emily a test message. And waited.

Two minutes later, she responded "Thank you, Alex. It's working now."

Apparently, no one has sent Emily email all day!

I had just come back from a call from an End User who couldn't get his PCMCIA LAN/Modem card working correctly. Despite the arrows on the card and dongle, he had connected the LAN dongle to the Modem port on the card, and couldn't access the Network! I thought that was too funny, until my associate reported his End User's PCMCIA card follies:

This second End User had taken the dongle for his PCMCIA LAN card, and plugged it into one of the louvers on the side of his monitor. Not into the PC Card! And, he couldn't understand why he had no LAN connectivity!

I work in Germany for a small IS-Outsourcer. Our main account is that large German-American employer. After doing a y2k compliance upgrade on a very outdated notebook, I got a contract claiming as usual that "after y2k-compliance upgrade nothing works anymore, PC gets a blue screen with nothing on and please send technician to get PC working again, blah, blah, blah...". Went to customer after making an appointment thinking $#%#, this is serious, but since he's secretary wasn't there, he refused to turn PC on for me. Dutifully I clocked the time wasted on this sap and made a new appointment with his secretary. Now the story gets good, on the appointment day:

me: good day ma'm, sir, could you show me problem please?

sap: MISS R..., TURN ON PC!!

sec: yes sir! There Mr K., this is what Mr. Sap means as

"blue screen" (big grin on secretary's mischivieus face)

me: err, Mr Sap, SIR, that is the way WinNT4.0 allways starts, the blue screen indicates the OS-Loader. There, you see, SP5, 64MB RAM etc.

sap: THAT NEVER CAME BEFORE! WHY DOES IT TAKES SO LONG TO START?!

me: your unit has a iP133MHz and 64MB RAM, if is too slow, you as a department chief could set it up with purchasing to get you a better system, SIR(you know what sir means)

sap: EH, AHEM! YEAH, BUT NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE!

at this point I procedded to open all apps, emus, browser etc. all worked perfect, secretary's grin got wider

me: Sir, did you attempted to start your PC yourself ever before? ...Please sign here... have a nice day!

sap: hmmph...

sec: bye, bye (verybigevilgrin)

I do Tech Support for Prodigy Inet, and one of my Coworkers was being monitored on a good 40 minute call with a customer who evidently couldn't get a dialtone. The tech tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked, after everything that he'd tell the person to try, he would tell the person to 'try it again'. Finally, after 40 minutes, the customer finally asked him if it mattered that he didn't have a seperate phone line....

At the beginning of the year, my father bought a new computer for his office. Being the only person in my family that can run anything even remotely complicated; I set up his computer for him. Unfortunately, I noticed that there was no recovery disk (I'm not sure of the technical name - the kind that helps fix the computer problem after a crash). Since it was running Win98, this could present a problem ...

Of course the computer crashed. I fixed it. The computer crashed again. It got fixed for the same problem. Now this computer was crashing about every six weeks with the same problem. I had just finished finals and was more that a little sleep deprived when it crashed again. I managed to forget what key you press to boot to the CD (F8). So I called Tech Support.

The first guy refused to listen to my questions and with off with his explanation of how to solve the problem with the recovery disk. He seemed rather irate when I explained that the disk was never sent and he couldn't (or wouldn't) answer my question. After banging my head again the desk I called back. The second tech wouldn't answer my question either. He told me that all I needed was a Win98 start-up disk. Great idea but... the computer wouldn't work. No, I didn't have another Win98 computer and I didn't know anyone who had (at least within a 3 hour radius). No, I couldn't download something from the Internet because we only had one computer. That guy couldn't help me.

So, I wait for the shift to change and call back a couple of hours later. This time, a got someone who told me which key to press (F8). I thanked him, hung up. Call time 5 mins. (Not including the time spent on hold.) I fixed the computer.

Now I have to admit that it was rather stupid to forget what key to press. However, the fact that it took 3 support people before some one could tell me was even stupider.

(feel free to edit)

Sitting on one end of the phone I can hear the user clicking

away on their keyboard. When I ask what they are trying to

do - I get the classic response - I don't know! So what are

they clicking on the keys for!!!!

I am a Tier 2 analyst for a large computer support company,we

support end users aka residential customers.A few months ago we got got this

call.

cust_I keep getting dropped of your service.This happens every time I am online.

tech_do you get an error message when it drops the connection?

cust_ I dont know.

tech_ what are you usually doing when it disconnects?

cust_It usually drops when I go to the bathroom.

tech _ok log on and lets look at you system(tech finds nothing unusual)

cust_its doing ok now .

tech_ok

cust_ excuse self and goes to bathroom..

30 seconds later

tech_listening on the phone (hears the computer reboot and windows restarting.)

cust _see it does this all the @#$%^&*( time.

cust_ your service %^&*() ucks....

tech-calms cust and has him log back in.

Tech +tells cust to return to bathroom

2 min pass connection still ok

cust_ excuses self again to go to bathroom , for real this time.

Tech _ hears windows reboot???

Tech- puzzled I said what did you do this time that you did not

do last time in the restroom.

Cust_ Nothing...

Tech did you flush everytime you went in there?

Cust- yes except when I went in there for you .

tech_ go flush the toilet ,

system reboots.....

Turns out cust lived in rural Virginia, all water is pumped

through the house via an electric water pump,when the toilet flushed the pump was

straining the cicuits in the house causing the computer to reboot.

Of course to the cust , my employer should pay to resolve his

electrical problem..NOT)))))))

The customer needed to download a file from the company website.

I started giving him the address.

Me: the address is www.7529.com/support

EU: Okay thats 7529.com s-l-a-s-h support

Me: No sir. Do you see your question mark on your keyboard?

EU: Yes.

Me: You see that little symbol below it?

EU: Oh. You mean that slash?

I know, this tale is not about computer tech.

But it is about lack of any technical understanding of the things around us.

My partner and I love to watch Formula 1 races.

Especially the start: that is a wonderful organised chaos.

Anyway, the day before the TV broadcast of the German F1 race

some years ago, one of the racing drivers was interviewed in a

talkshow.

The talkshow host asked the driver about the car he drove

in when he was not racing.

Host: How fast can it drive?

Driver: Well, It can go as fast as 300 Km per hour.

Host: Wow, that's quite fast. Can you make that speed too in a corner?

Driver: Huh? Yes, of course, but only once.

The host didn't understand the joke. The public on the tribune did.

Our passwords are limited by way of character length. So

when people call to have their passwords changed, we do

explain about those limitations but sometimes I wonder about

the basic skills that some of our employee's have.

Me (M): ok, I've reset your password... your Temporary

Password is #######. Your new password has to be between

6 to 8 letters.

User (U): Ok thanks.

(I hear tapping on the keyboard...)

U: It didn't work.

M: ok, let's try again... where is your cursor.

U: It's on password.

M: ok, type #######

(I hear tapping on the keyboard)

U: ok.

M: hit enter then at NEW PASSWORD, type your new password.

U: ok,

(I hear the user hitting the ENTER, then proceede to hear

nine keystrokes)

M: did you hit enter after your new password?

U: No,

M: how long is your password.

U: (slight pause as user is counting letters) eight.

M: Erase your new password and try it again please.

U: ok, (again hear nine keystrokes then Enter) It didn't

work

M: I hear you hitting nine keystrokes, can you try it again,

and this time count out loud.

U: (after counting nine letters) oh, I guess it's too long,

let me think of another word.

(I remind the user that the password has to be between six

to eight letters long. after another attempt, the new

password is again rejected.)

M: How many characters are you typing.

U: (with confidence) Five.

Believe it or not, it did take a while to teach this user

how to count...

I work as tech support for a local ISP.

It is amazing the number of people who don't know what operating system or browser they use... Anyway, on with the tale.

A local Golf Course decided to go on-line. One of our Tech reps went out set it all up and everything was working fine.

Couple of days later we get a frantic call, nothing's working I can't do anything.

After going through the usual checks over the phone (settings check all the cables) it was decided someone had to go out there.

Forty minute drive later, I walk in plug the modem cable in and leave.

Unbelievable how often this happens. What do people think the cable was just hanging there for looks?!?!

eh, whuts up with your site, all these tech ppl complaining and no one from sales!!!

well here ya go, im a sales guy at a big COMPUTER store in my CITY

it was a boring moring so i was talking to the customers, this one lady comes in and is looking at keyboards.

i go over see i can help sell some fancy shmancy keyboard make $5 in commision u know.

so im like "hello mam yada yada weather etc.. keyboards.. why do u need a new keyboard?"

C-"oh my last one was dirty"

M-"dirty? well u can buy some compressed air and damp Q-tips will fix that"

C-"commmmmppprressed air???"

M-"yes mam air in a can blows dust out of the comptuer etc."

C-"ooooh thats the problem then we were using our blowdryer for that"

M-"Blowdryer?"

C-"yes after we put it in the dishwasher we dried it off with a blowdryer before we plugged it back in"

M-"Dishwasher mam?"

C-"oh yes, we put it on the top rack AND we MADE SURE IT WASNT PLUGGED IN ya know"

id always heard about the cdrom=cup holder, never belived it until now

and BTW she baught a crappy $20 keyboard no commision

C My PC locked up in Windows 98 and I can't do a thing !!

Me Can you press Ctrl-Alt-Del ???

C That does nothing

Me Can you press the reset button for me ?

C There isn't one

Me Yes there is, it's on the left side of the PC.

C There's nothing there, it just says "Crystal Scan 1024"

Me Thats the monitor, look on the PC

C There isn't one there either.

(This goes on for a full minute)

C Oh !!! There it is,,, my coffee cup was in front of it!!!

Me (To myself)Drink the coffee,, wake up,, and call me back

I work for a cable internet service provider. A large number of our customers have external modems that need to be manually reset from time to time. Our protocol is too have the computer pwered down during this reset. The most aggravating scenario I get regularly goes something like this.

Me: We're going to reset the cable modem. First, we want to shut down the computer. Let's click on start, and go to shut down. We want to shut down the system.

Customer: you want me to restart the computer?

Me: (uh) no, we want to shut down.

How many times do you have to explicitly say shut down before they understand shut down?!?

I work for a software company, in both Customer Support and

Training. We had a Senior Engineer from a client company

come for his third training session (this is a person who

I'm told has written his own software in the past). When he

returned to his office I got a call from him, in which he

complained that he couldn't find the projects he'd created

in the training session on his machine.

To cut a long story short, twenty minutes later (this is

not an exaggeration - I have witnesses) I finally

worked out what was going on. He had used one of our

machines on the training course. When he got back, his IT

people had just unpacked a new PC from its box for him, and

he couldn't understand why his stuff from the course wasn't

on it. I had to explain that files couldn't magically fly

through that air from our PC to his PC - he had to transfer them

himself. I wonder what his software was like.....

Every network administrator has one - the (l)user who not only knows nothing about computers, but has no intention of learning, and is very highly placed...

We had electricians in one day to wire cubicles, and they managed to turn off the breakers to the VP's office (just the wall sockets, though - not the lights). He was out of town at the time, so no one noticed; his admin. asst. turned on his laptop Friday afternoon, so that if he came in during the weekend he could check his e-mail (he didn't). When the VP came in Monday, his laptop battery was dead, and I got the call to drop everything & fix it for him. I was in the midst of something much more important (he could wait, the server couldn't), so I grabbed a new laptop that had just been configured with the e-mail client, etc. and gave it to the VP to use.

Later that day, he called complaining that the new laptop had quit on him, too... I started poking around, and found the wall sockets without power; found our bldg. engineer & we got the breaker reset. Told VP what we'd found, and that he'd have to wait until the battery got at least a partial charge before he could use his laptop. No problem - he was leaving for the day.

Next day, he comes in, looks at his laptop, and calls the bldg. engineer ranting about the power being off in his office again. Engineer comes up, checks all the outlets - live, all okay. VP continues ranting, claiming that SOMETHING is wrong - his computer isn't on! The engineer walks over to the desk, looks the laptop over, and....

Presses the POWER SWITCH!

I got this story from the local computer store where my dad used to work.

secretary: ****** *******, How can I help you.

Caller: Hi, I need to talk to a computer expert.

Secretary: ok, just a minute sir.

Caller waits about 5 minutes waiting for a tech to come on the phone.

Tech: Hi, this is *******, how can I help you.

Caller: Hi, I am having trouble with my cup holder. It stoped working.

Tech: (confused) What do you mean cup holder?

caller: well, I have a cup holder attached to my computer, and thats where I put my cup of coffee in the morning and it won't work anymore.

Tech: ok, sir. What I am going to have you do is to come down to the shop and let us take a look at it. (knowing that looking at it would be more helpful).

Caller: ok, I will be down in about 2 hours...

Tech: ok. See you then.

(2 hours later)

(the guys walks in with his computer)

Secretary: Hi, how can I help you?

caller: Hi, I called about 2 hours ago and talked to a tech about my broken coffee cup holder.

Secretary: (yells to the tech, for him to come over). he will be right with you.

Tech: hi, lets bring your computer to the bench and go from there.

caller: ok.

(the tech hooks up the computer to all the necasery perephrials).

Caller: see, this is what I was trying to tell you on the phone, I can't get my automatic cup holder to come out. (pushes the button to open up the cd-rom).

Tech: Sir, if I may. that is not supposed to be a coffe cup holder. That is your cd-rom, used for audio and data cd's.

Caller: That's not what my son told me when he helped me hook up my computer. (now angry)

Tech: well, all we can do for you is to get you another cd-rom, but since yours is no longer warrantied you will have to buy a new cd-rom.

Caller: ok, but this time I am not going to put my coffee cup on the **** thing.

Tech: ok, this should only take a couple of minutes.

(the tech goes and grabs a new cd-rom, installs it.

Tech: now make sure you use it the way it is supposed to be used.

caller: I will, but when I get home I am going to give my some an *** chewin for this one.

Tech: you do whatever you feel is neccassary, but please just talk to him.

Caller: well, thank you.

Tech: no problem, have a good day.

(caller then goes to the front desk pays for the services and leaves).

Tech: (walks into the bosses office). boss, I just had the wierdest call/walkin.

boss: ( I know, I was told about it by the secretary.)

(For three months after that, that call/walkin was still floating around giving everyone a happy face.

And noone know what ever happened to the callers son after the caller got home. I don't think he got an *** beating for it.

After lots of hours spent on this site laughing myself out the chair I decided to post two of my favourites!

At the age of 18 I'm as close to techsupport as someone my age could possibly get (all a lack is the salary.) How do you ask. Well lets just say being a student at a state-of-the-art-pioneer-type school really helps! =)

Anyways, these two stories are not about what I've encountered at school/work but are still worth telling!

The first (and most recent one) is about my brother (that sweet thing =). If he does anything on the computer, he plays games. And in most of them he want's to cheat. Well more and more games today require that you add some parameters when you start the game, like "game.exe set cheats on." Well, he recently got a new game and found it to difficult and therefore went out on the Internet and found some cheats. The problem occured when tried to enter the cheats. He couldn't bring up the console where he was supposed to type them. Back out on the Internet for some more searching. After a couple of days he found out that he had to start the game with "+set developer mode 1." Well,, when everything else had failed he asked me.

B: Why doesn't this work?

Me: I dunno!

B: But I did exactly as it said on the site!

And then he showed me what he had done. Which made me wonder if he realy is my brother. He had accutally tried to change the name of the file to "irrelevant.exe +set game developer mode 1" and sure enough Winsuxx, complained like crazy! Well, at least he won't try that again, which atleast means he's learned something.

----

My second story is about my best friend. He's not very satisfied with their Pentium 120. And when he one days saw a dissaembled computer at school, he immediatly asked a teacher:

F: Is this the hardrive?

T: Yupp, sure is!

Well, needless to say he took the device with him home. Now he's not to stupid and he's seen me installing harddrives before so he opened his machine and started looking for the right cables. When he didn't find anythig else that fit other than the power cabel, he got very confused. And so did I when he tried to explain it to me the next day, specially since it had a button on it. A harddrive with a button? Well a week or two went bye, then one day I had to go to his house for some reason (don't remember) and he asked me to take a look at it since I was there anyways. So, he got the device and gave it to me holding it so I only saw the back of it. I took a look at it and saw that he was telling the trouth. There was no way he could plugg it in as a harddrive. Well, i turned it around and looked at the front. And sure enough there was the button, and to the left of it a 3.5" opening. I look at his desk, took the first available disc, put it in and gave it to him asking if he wanted the insult now or later. =)

Turns out he thought that the opening was for ventilation!

That's all for now but I'll be back!!

Zac Woryl

I recieved a call from a user that was very agitated and

was speaking faster than I could comprehend. After he

had vented his anguish the call went like this:

ME: "I see....and could you tell me which operating

system you're using one more time?"

USER: "What's the matter with you, are you deaf or

something?"

ME: (Dumbfounded) "What?"

It was at that precise moment I realized I could not

have said it better if I tried. Anyway, the rest of the

call went fine, a garden variety port conflict.

Later, Dave

"What I lack in technical prowess,

I make up for in contrition"

Recently, a coworker came to me with an annoying problem; his PC's clock was fast, gaining about two minutes a day. This struck me as odd; problems normally cause a PC's clock to lose time, not gain it. Still, I walked him through the normal steps for pinning down a clock problem. No luck; even if the PC was turned off, it still gained time. I was about to tell him that the clock crystal must be fast, and he'd have to schedule a service call; but just to make sure, I decided to test it once myself. It checked out just fine. I told my coworker this; he checked again himself, and insisted that the clock was still fast. After one more cycle of this, and after asking him exactly how he was checking the time, I realized the problem; his PC's clock was nearly perfect, but his desk clock was losing about two minutes a day...

A new $10 desk clock was ordered, and the case was solved.

Many years back I was om a trip with some people. One of the guys was local and a system builder/seller. Another guy had brought along his computer. Since we were all flight sims junkies we figured great, two computers, get a cable and do some head to head Falcon 3 (I said it ws a while ago).

So out goes the system builder on a run to get some stuff including a null modem connector. DB9 to DB9.

A little later a call comes in, what connectors? So we tell him again, and remind him that we need a null modem cable. He says fine, be back soon.

Comes back, we hook up the computers and are set to go, but no connection. Now this is using DOS and Falcon 3, so not a lot of help if it doesn't work.

So we go at it for while, until we have tried everything. Finally we have him go out and get the package, guess what, normal cable not null modem.

So a few days later we are leaving, he is back at work, but his system is still there. :)

So we save his AUTOEXEC.BAT and write him a new one.

@ECHO OFF

For I=1 to 1000

ECHO "FILE NOT FOUND"

Next I

Pause

ECHO "HA HA, Samurai was here"

CON NULL

FWIW Samurai was one of the group who had left early. For those who don't know, this basically prints a 1000 "File Not Found" messages on the screen, then gives him the "Hit Any Key to Continue". Once they hit any key, the get the last message and the machine appears to lock up. The CON NULL directs all input and output to the NULL or nothing.

The way around this is to boot from floppy and replace the AUTOEXEC.BAT

Next thing I here is Samurai is calling me all PO'd. This guy had called him all upset that his machine was ruined, and he had had to reformat the hard drive to get it working. :)

A few other people I knew couldn't take a hint and actually bought systems from this guy. What a mistake.

I have worked Tech Support before. I know how bad it can be. But some T/S people are less than brilliant also.

My office mate's machine had a problem. During the auto install of IE4 it BSDd. And then none of Office 97 would work. Since I couldn't get to the IE4 install (they hide that stuff from none T/S personnel) I couldn't help.

So they send this tech up. So he tries to reinstall Office 97. Of course, MS software doesn't overwrite newer .DLL files with older ones, so this does nothing. So it does it again. About 20-25 times. Still nothing.

Next day another tech shows up. He looks at what is done, shakes his head does some registry cleaning from all the failed installs and says the other tech will be back to get things running.

I don't know what this guy did when he came back, but by the time he got done, the system wouldn't boot. It would flash a quick DOS text error message and shut down (ATX form factor).

I finally deleted all of Win95 and reinstalled. Go the machine running.

Just last week this same tech comes up to get a new employee up and running on the network. This includes installing IE4 and Outlook for E-mail. When he leaves, she asks me why she can't print. So I go over to help. Things are setup right but no printing on the network printer. I also notice that the system is accessing the A: drive about every 15-20 seconds. And this has the system running at no speed at all.

So I tell her to call him about that. She does, and has a quick conversation and then tells me that it is a known bug. It would go away when you restart. So we restart, and I find that the reason she couldnt' print was he was logged on as himself, and did not have access to that printer.

Why not restart the system and have the user log on BEFORE you leave? It avoids the A: access, makes sure the user has access to what they are supposed it, and it means that it was proven to work before you left and that the user has at least logged on once.

All told this guy has cost me a bunch of time, and I am NOT tech support.

We create websites. Sometimes a client decides it is time

to do the development themselves, and so we loose some work.

But we still do the hosting and we give them some service

with that. Some of these clients take that a bit too far...

Stupid client questions:

* I'm a programmer and I don;t like the HTML codes. Can't I use the COBOL codes instead?

* Can I use square brackets instead of angle brackets?

* How do I insert a space between two words?

* How do I center a word?

* How do I insert a double empty line?

* Why don't the extended ASCII characters show up strange?

And this is the most moronic, totally not getting the

concept of website development as being a creative type

of work, or else costing quite some work to develop a system

to build a website:

* Can't you make a little program so that I don't have to

learn all those very difficult HTM-codes by heart?

Some users do use things like Frontpage, Pagemill or

Dreamweaver. I hate those systems, but for the end user

they might be OK to start with. The most common question:

* Why do my pages look differently on the server than they

looked while I was developing them?

* It takes so very very long before my site is loaded on the

screen. And all my images are really just under 1 Mb, so

they aren't that big.

* Why does it tamek me 4 hours to create a page?

When you people maintained my site, it did cost you only 20

minutes per page. Do you use some secret tool?

We have indeed created this system to build and maintain

sites. It is not completely off-the-shelve, it requires

tailor-made modules to be made by us. Some 70% is automated,

the other 30% is tailor-made. With this, users can create,

delete and modify pages, they can move texts and objects

on the page, they can create templates to be uses as often

as they want, they can connect to a database, etc. The system

does not generate web pages, it is completely database driven.

Even the well-paying and quite smart clients who use this can

have some of the silliest questions.

* I would like to take this system home with me, so I can

work on my laptop. Can you make a copy on a zip-disk?

* I can't find the webpages on my harddisk. Where are they?

* When do I have to FTP the files to the server?

Well, I can't complain too much. We earn a more than decent living...

I once worked for a well-know PC manufacturer on the American telephone support line.

However I quit after only two weeks, perhaps mainly because of stories like this one:

Me: Hello, support line, how may I help you?

Cust: Well, I've tried to install this program a million times but it just won't show up on my C: drive

Me: Erm...well, how many drives do you have, sir?

Cust: I've only got one drive, the C: drive! Stupid computer!

Me: Well, do you get any error messages during installation, sir?

Cust: No, everything works just fine, but the darned thing just won't show up on the C: drive!

At this point I'm getting a bit suspicious.

Me: Well, sir, can you please click on 'My Computer' for me?

Cust: 'My Computer'? What is that?

Me: Eh...see that little icon on your desktop, sir? The one that says 'My Computer'?

Cust: I thought I was supposed to find the solution in the computer, not on the desktop.

Me: Pardon, sir?

Cust: Whar does my desktop has to do with it?

Me: Eh...sir...are you currently using a program on your computer?

Cust: No, I just booted up.

Me: And everything works fine?

Cust: Yeah.

Me: And what do you see on screen , sir?

Cust: Well, I see my C: drive, but that program is still not there!

My brain is starting to spin....*duh*

Me: Erm...sir, what you refer to as your C: drive is what we usually call the desktop.

Turns out that the guy's only problem was that the installation program didn't automatically

install an icon to the desktop. Poor guy thought that the stuff on his desktop was all he

had to work with. Duh!

I work for a company that sells financial research reports

on the Internet. We do it through our website, and in order

for the users to use it, we require them to register first.

Of course, every user must choose their unique user ID and

password.

We do receive a number of really stupid e-mail from some of

our users (AOL users in particular). We are quite use to

most of the stupidities that these people write about.

However, today we received a particularly interesting

message. Here's the text of it:

HOW DARE YOU ASK ME FOR MY USER NAME AND PASSWORD? AOL SAYS

NOT TO GIVE THAT OUT TO ANYONE!

Personally, I consider this one a classic. How could anyone

be so dumb to think that instead of asking a user to type in

the desired user ID/password we want to know his AOL screen

name and password instead?

I work Tech support for a Retail Outlet. I got a call one day from a customer that had been in and bought a new 56K WinModem and he assured me that he could do the install himself.

It was only a matter of hours before the call for help came in. Knowing the software setup very well i started walking him through the setup, leaning back on my chair with my feet up. The call was going very well and we were almost through the procedure. The last three screens were strait forward. It went like this:

Me: " now say Ok here"

UBD: "OK"

Me: " Say OK again"

UBD: "OK"

Me:" One more time Say OK Here also"

UBD:"OK"

Me:"Now what do you see on your screen now?"

UBD:"Same thing as before"

It didn't make sense to me at all!

Me:"did you click on OK when I told you to??"

UBD:" Click????? You didn't tell me to click. You told me to SAY OK"

I guess it might have been partly my fault, but to this day i still wonder what he thought speaking the words "OK" was going to accomplish. LoLoL

BTW .... "UBD" is a tern coined by our service dept. "User Brain Dead"

A quick one from a few days ago .. customer rang up to ask about sending email to a friend of his in Germany. The crux of his question was that he needed to know the dialing code for Germany and where he needed to change the phone number ......

.... eventually got through to the guy that email crosses all forms of international phone dialling and he would not need this kind of alteration. Thought the explanation of mail servers would be a little too much for him to comprehend, so left him with images of little men delivering letters and he was happy :)

*Sidenote before I begin, Why can't any of these tech support personnel spell simple words?*

I'm not tech support, or a web master, or even a web monkey. But I maintain a few websites on the net, just trying to up my skills with HTML, and After four months of that, I'm starting in on DHTML and JAVA. Yeah, I'm slow, but I like to know exactly what I'm doing.

Since most of my friends habit my sites, I've been called on many a time to help them out with their own websites.

Here is a generalized conversation. M= Me, F= Friend

M=Hello?

F=Hey Dan, It's (Insert name here)

M=Whats Up? Going out tonite?

F=No, I was thinking I'd put together a webpage.

M=*sigh* really.

F=Yeah, So I was wondering if you'd help me?

M=(being the sucker I am) Okay.

F=Okay, what do I do first?

M=Well, my first steps are sign up for a site, and get an HTML editor, so you don't screw up the HTML.

F="Sign up?"

M="Yeah, you have to get web space on a server."

F="a server?"

M="A different computer thats on all the time that will hold your HTML files so people can look at them without them looking into your personal computer."

F="HTML? What's HTML?"

M="the code you use to make a webpage."

F="Code?"

M="Yeah, you have to write out code, to tell the browser what to show...text fonts, pictures, that kind of stuff."

F="Browser?"

CLICK.

Friend of mine was working as a tech for the lokal technical university when one day the main server went down. he was rushing downstairs to get it back up (more than 2000 pc wouldnt work without it), when he was stoped by a secretary:

F = friend, S = secretary

S: hey! i got a problem

F: not right now, i am busy

S (ignoring him): i got a problem with my PC

F: the server is down, i dont have time for you right now

S (still ignoring him): i got a strange error message

F (getting nervous): just write that message down and put it on my desk, i will take care of it as soon as i have the time

S: ok, will do

when my friend returned to his desk later, he found 2 handwritten DIN A4 pages full of special character like "!)(&@?=)=/%(@;.,=(/)/&;§"

the secretary must have spent hours carefully copying line after line.

= )

KaBl

In my time as a help desk admin, I had thousands upon thousands of calls, half of them being from one particular dumbass who we will call Joan. She did quit the company that I worked for thank god, so for a month I was Joan-free b4 I had to go back to school. This is the first call I can recall from her.

Me-Help Desk, this is Steve, how can I be of assistance.

Joan-Yeah, the screen said I have a fatal error in windows,and to press any key. When I pressed the key, the screen went all black, what should I do.

Me-Try reseting the computer

Joan-How do I do that?

Me-Just turn it off and back on using the power button

Joan-My power button doesnt work

Me-ok, unplug the computer and plug it back in...

Joan-it works now, do you think im stupid

Me-not especially

Joan-yes you do, I dont like people who think im stupid

Me-*Click*

Caller rang up to enquire on why the "Show Desktop" option was not working.

Explained how it was used ..

Caller: "It is still not working"

Me: "Are you on the desktop at the moment?"

Caller: "Er .. yes!"

While attending college, I worked as a Lab Assistant in the

campus computer labs. At the time, the PC's had DOS and

Windows 3.1. We used Novell Netware to log onto the LAN.

When the PC's were booted every morning, a login prompt would

appear, instructing users how to log onto the network.

One day, I was sitting at my desk surfing on my PC and Mac

that were provided to the lab assistants, when a blonde (not

that we should hold that against her) comes up to tell me that

"when I type on the keyboard, it doesn't show up on the screen."

So I went to her computer to see what she was working in and

what had happened. She was sitting at the FARTHEST computer

from my desk. As we entered the row that her computer was in,

I could see the problem. When we got there, I reached over,

and hit the power button on her monitor. Suddenly, there on

the screen was the login prompt. So I tell her, "ok, now try

it." She types, it shows up, she looks at me and says (very

bubbily) "THANK YOU!!!!". That was the longest walk back to my

desk I have ever taken, cuz I had to wait till I was safely

hidden behind my computers to laugh (and send out an email

telling a lab assistant friend of mine about the incident).

I once had a phone call from someone that went like this:

Me: Help Desk, can i help you?

Caller: Hi, do you fix fax machines?

Me: No, sorry, we only fix computers.

Caller: Then do you fix coffee machines?

Me: Did you say "coffee"? The hot black stuff you drink in the morning?

Caller: Yes.

Me: No, we *really* don't fix those.

Caller: OK, thanks. (click)

A few minutes later...

(ring, ring)

Me: Help Desk, can i help you?

Caller (same guy): Hi, do you fix coffee machines?

Me: I just talked to you, and the answer is *still* no.

He never called back. I sometimes wonder if he ever got his coffee machine fixed...

I received an e-mail from a user. Here it is.

"As the result of my working with increasingly large files, Jim has asked me to find out what the cost would be to upgrade my machine from 128K RAM to 256K RAM (or more if the incremental cost is small). Could you please let me know what the cost of this upgrade would be?"

SO I went by and removed the 128MB of Ram and let the user know that I couldn't remove the 512K cache that the user wanted.

I'm a help desk manager who picked up a Y2K upgrade gig recently to pick up a bit of (ok, a LOT of) cash for the holidays. I'm also the proverbial 40-ish female IT sort (at least externally)

Anyway, I've finished checking out and upgrading a bunch of proprietary software on a female senior executive's PC. She's VERY high up in a major stock and futures trading group. Being as I'm a fellow "girl", she felt comfortable calling me out the next day about an ongoing problem she'd been experiencing with her PC: apparently, on some occasions while working with documents and presentations, she'd either get random characters or her system would "freeze" with accompanying beeping sounds.

Well...it was the typical "well endowed female" problem, e.g. her breasts hit the keyboard when she leaned forward to peer at the screen. Being as I'm not a small person either, and I'm phenomenally nearsighted myself, I asked if I could "watch her work for a short while". She agreed, and sure as heck, she was having trouble seeing her screen in some apps, and when she leaned forward, her "buddies" landed right on the keyboard. I was trying to figure out how to handle this tactfully and finally gave up and "punted".

I looked at the woman thru my very thick bifocals and said, "Modern systems can sense your working style and try to adapt to it--perhaps the way you sit and look at the screen is the problem. I found that when I saw my eyedoctor and got better glasses, it really helped my problems with MY PCs!"

I recently got an e-mail from the lady informing me that I was a "genius" and her eye doctor wanted more information on eyeglass prescriptions for people having problems with their computers...

5 years back, I was working on a Hot-Line supporting PCs while a colleague of mine was supporting Apple computers. We had heard a lot of fun stuff, but the most extreme are two insidents that happened the same day.

The first one was one call that I got from a guy. The conversation goes like this:

Me : Good Morning Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Well, I can't connect my scanner to my PC.

Me : What kind of scanner is it? Does it have a small card to put in the computer ?

Man: Yes it does! How do I do that ?

Me : Well, you have to open the cover of yor PC...

Man: It's not easy! It's a laptop!

Me : Did you told that to the salesman, where you bought the scanner? You must return it back. It's not suitable for your computer.

Man: Damn it! I didn't told him anything. I was just passing by the store, saw the scanner, liked it, went in and bought it!

Me : (!!!)

The same day, my colleague was supportin the Greek program for grammar support of the Apple s/w called "Eleghos Orthografias" that is "Spell check" in Greek. So a guy calls in and say to him

- Is this the "Spell check" line ?

- Yes, how can I help you ?

- Can you spell me the word xxxxx ?

- (!!!!)

Me: [....] technical support, how may I help you?

Female voice: Hi, is John there please?

Me: I'm afraid he can't come to the phone at the moment, is there anything I can do instead?

Female voice: Actually I had a problem the other day and he was the one I talked to.

Me: Hold on please.

Me (To John): Hey, I've got a girl on the line who wants to talk to you. Will you pick up the other handset?

After 20 minutes, John hangs up.

Me: What happened? What did she want?

John: Ah, nothing, just to chat...

Being a computer tech, I can believe I did something this dumb.

Not happy with my current internet provider, I decided to try out a new ISP which happened to have a nice plan for a much lower cost. I setup everything just fine two nights ago and connected with no problems. However, I still have my other provider for now just in case I just want to stay with what I had.

So things are going great until I log on tonight when I open up my mail software and I get errors. My newsreader is not working either. I go to the support page and check my settings and that is correct. There is an alternate setup listed so I try that as well. I know the system is not completely down as the support page is in the green and I ha zero problems logging on. So I call the support line and start going through settings when I noticed that I had accidentally logged onto the original provider line and trying to check the new provider's email. Duh!

I just wanted to get this in just in to admit my fault in case the tech at the ISP reads this page.

I work for a large hardware and software retailer. The

converstaion lasted about thirty seconds.

Customer: "Yeah, I wanna order UNIX for Windows 95"

Me: "You want what?"

C: "I want UNIX for Windows 95"

Me: (sigh) "Sorry, that's out of stock right now."

C: "OK," (click)

Well, I work for a fairly large ISP in the 'South', a 'Bell' company if you would...*cough*

I was fresh out of training, probably the end of my first week on the floor.

I get a very nice woman, calling because she can't get online. I go through the usual motions, check this, look at that, is this plugged in, etc. Everything looked good. Dumbfounded, I moved on to her PC, inspecting everything I could, even getting to the point of calling up a level to check the lines. Nothing was working. As I held my head in my hands, dreading the longer call to come, I asked one simple, stupid question:

Me: Ma'am, just to make sure, you do have 2 solid green lights on your modem, right?

Cust: What lights?

Me: Uuhm...there should be 2 solid green lights, and a flashing green light.

Thought to myself, "Cool, no lights, send a replacement, boom we're done."

Cust: OH! I see the problem, I didn't turn the modem on. *she laughs*

Me (in a happy tone) Yeah the modem would definatly need to be ON to work!

The call wraps up no problem a few minutes later. I take a break and whack my head against the desk.

That was the last time I ever forgot the little details

At a previous job, I was the unofficial computer support guy. I got this job because the official support staff were so woefully incompetent as to be laughable. The people who knew me generally called me in to fix the problems caused by the Information Services Dept. Understand, now, this was a state facility. You would think that they could find some competent people --- but no!!! The head of the department had his degree in theology. When the network went down, the best he could do was pray for it. One time my girlfriend's computer was emitting a grinding noise. She called in the information services department (I have no idea why). One of these idiots shows up and first decides the cause is her screen saver. Now, we know that a screen saver can cause hard drive access sounds, but not this kind of grinding. Well, when turning off the screen saver didn't work (DUH), he decided the problem was with the sound card. Only problem is, these machines didn't even HAVE sound cards. He just disables the windows event sounds.

We also had a small store where people from the community would donate old objects, and we would sell them to staff to raise money for our clients (this was a school for the mentally retarded). One time, someone donated some of the first Compaq portable computers. The head of Information services (who was named, appropriately, Dick) couldn't even figure out how they opened. Your state tax dollars at work.

Me:Thank you for calling tech support.

caller:Hi, I called before about setting up my internet and

now it is asking me to setup my modem?

Me:Oh ok, what kind of modem to you have?

Caller:.....whats a modem?

Me:uhhh(not used to having to descibe it)..it is what is

in your computer and dials up to the internet.

Caller:oh ok, I don't know what kind it is.

Me:Do you have a box that it came from or documentation of

the computer?

Caller:No, I don't have any of that.

Me:Were you given a CD or Disk with the modem or computer

that might have the modem Drivers on them.

Caller: Oh yes I have a buch of CD's that I got with the

computers.

Me: Great, what is on them.

Caller:They are a bunch of computer games I got.

Me: Nope that isn't what we need, you are going to have

to find out from the manafactuer either the type of modem

you have or on what CD or disk the drivers for it are

located.

Caller: Your sure they arn't on the game CD?

Me: Positive, they ore going to be on a CD or diskette.

Caller:Is it written in the Book I got with it.

Me: No, they are on a CD or Disk.

Caller: Oh so they have to be on the Hard drive then.

Me:No ust call company X and ask them to tell you on what

CD or disk the modmem drivers are located and then call

us back and we can help you, ok.

Caller: Ok I'll do that.

Me:thanks for calling.

Luckily I only work weekends and it was sunday. I pity

tech who gets her on the phone.

User: The Internet is broken, can you fix this?

Me: (laughing under my breath) Well, what is going on?

User: I cannot get online

Me: At what point of the connection process are you having trouble.

User: I can connect just fine.

Me: are you getting an error message?

User: yes, it says: "This address is too long. Addresses are a maximum of 16 characters."

Me: Where are you getting this error message?

User: We I try to send e-mail (OK, was that so difficult to say in the first place?)

Me: What e-mail address are you sending to?

User: well, it is http://www...............

When I tried to explain to her she demanded she was doing it right and canceled her account.

Well, geeze, what can I say?

A member calls me up running window 3.1, trying to install our software.

Member: It is telling me I don't have enough hard drive space.

Me: OK, lets try to clear up some space for you then (thinking I could delete temporary files and possibly have him run defrag).

Member: Well I already tried that.

Me: Is it working for you now?

Member: No

Me: How big is your hard drive

Member: 220 MB

Me: OK, and after you deleted files, how much is available?

Member: 210 Megabytes, but now I am getting an error messaging on a black screen saying something about a system disk.

Well… He was quite angry I wouldn't help him, insisting it is my fault he deleted 90% of windows.

DUH!

The CDrom disc will not come out of the drive, was the cry

of the user. It worked last time I used the disk in my other computer. The tech made a service to find out that the user had inserted a CDrom disc into a 5 1/4 drive after a good laugh the disc was rescued from the odd device.

About 3 years ago I was working as a phone support tech for a major computer company-think big cow spotted box.

Well, this company decided it would be a good thing to solve all the anykey problems, so they created an Anykey Keyboard!

Such a wonderful thing, this Anykey keyboard, located on the right upper side of the keyboard. Right next to the Program Macro button...

..if you are not familiar with macro keybaords, if a person presses program macro, then presses an A and then a B, then the B will always type a letter A.

Wonderful things, those Anykey Keyboards. Manufactorers like this will keep tech support reps in jobs for years!

Once again, I was working for the CowBox Company.This is a true story, it was even in national news.

Apparently, we had a disgruntled employee. This person was the one responsible for making distribution video tapes to advertise the product. Any person who showed interest in buying one of the Cow Products would get one of these videos.

What happened was that the disgruntled employee had a rack that copied from one original video to a ton of copies to be sent out to potential customers. And at the end of each copied video, he put in a Porno video and copied about 30 seconds of Porn to these customer copies.

We had to have a special que for customers to call for the 20,000 tainted videos that were shipped to customers...

[Remove the first three lines before reposting. Sent to me from a tech supervisor at an unnamed large corporation. I'm not telling you who or where. I'd like to keep my job. :) Please do not credit this to me. :) ]

Thought you'd appreciate this

Here's a peek into the thoughts of computer techs worldwide...an end user's guide to technical services from the folks who provide them.

1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your problems(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good mystery.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother going. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16 If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know jack @#$# about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.

28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store on weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

Unnamed Tech Manager

techsupport@everywhere.com, .org, .etc

I was working on a sat for our local ISP when one of our tech support "specialists" took a call from a customer who had a problem with his modem. He said he didn't get a dial tone whenever he dialed us. After spending about a half hour checking the software side, our techie asked if the modem line was properly pluged in. He insisted he pluged it in right and wasn't going to check it.

Our tech put him on hold and asked me what I reccomended. I told him to think like an idiot and tell him the end plugged into the modem may be bad, and to have him unplug it, then plug it into the wall. Then take the end plugged into the wall, and plug it into the modem.

Problem solved.

One has to wonder, if he worked for a phone company, would he have been so ignorant to the fact that we were totaly lying, or would he have checked the phone line first?

I've always enjoyed techtales...

Reading this reminds me of something I always get subjected to. At our company we ship all the appropriate driverdisks seperately as well as installed and configured OS. I can forgive customers who asks if they need to install the disks shipped with the comp, but one thing I hate is when a customer calls and something needs to be reinstalled from the drivers included. They say "I didn't get any extra cd's/disks with the comp." I ask them "Check again please" and they respond by saying "I'm really really really sure". I say again "Are you sure? Check again", and in 9 times out of 10 they say "Oh! You mean those disks!".

A good label for those customers: Replace user, test ok.

I am not -yet- in tech support, but I am in a computer support

specialist course. I was telling my sister about the cable modem

I was getting in a week. Her first question

"Will people be able to watch TV while you use it?"

I broke out laughing at her because in reading the archives here

on tech tales I had just read a story with that same question

in it. I explained about this site to her and seeing that question

here and she kind of laughed, and undaunted asked her next question.

"Will you still use your monitor when you get it?"

I laughed even harder hearing this and said

"Yes, why?"

Apparently the poor thing had actually been subjected to

WebTV. I explained to her what it was that she saw, the difference

between a WebTV and a cable modem, and informed her I was submitting this story here ;)

http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/kpix/19991021/lo/19991021229.html

I'm an IT consultant, often working at client sites. A couple of years ago, I was visiting a friend who was working at GE Capital in Jacksonville, FL. While we were shooting the breeze, an Accounts Executive came by and asked my friend Carl to fix his coffee tray. I was confused at first, but Carl got an evil glint in his eye, grabbed a new CD-ROM drive, his tools, and me. We went to the exec's office, and sure enough, there was a busted CD-ROM carriage, hanging half off a machine. When I couldn't believe it, Carl took me around the rest of the Accounts group and showed me seven other machines that had either coffee stains on the CD carriages, or actually had cups in place. These guys had made a culture of mis-using the CD-ROM drives!

I included names and places, so that this would't be written off as another urban legend.

LGC

At present, I'm changing careers to become a MCSE, or, as my fellow co-workers at the ISP I am currently working at, a Must Consult Someone Experienced. I have two problems: A. Many of our callers think I'm a middle-aged woman answering the phone even though I'm a 30yo guy whose voice never bothered to change, and B. I get some of the wierdest calls on my shift. Case in point..... Saturday afternoon.....

Me: Good afternoon, thank you for calling Nonesuch, this is Z'Loth, how can I help you?

Customer: Yes, I want to get the Internet on my TeeVee.

Me: Your TV?

Customer: Yes, I want to get the Internet through my TeeVee.

Me: Well, what you need is a device called a WebTV.

Customer: How much are those?

Me: I have no idea, but you should be able to pick up one of those at either Fry's or Sear's. Once you get one of those, give us a call, and we can set you up for Internet Service.

Customer (indignent): Well, what are you guys?

Me: We are a Internet Service Provider located in Nonesuch, US.

Customer: Well, then, how do I get connected to the Internet?

Me: What you need is a computer and a modem, then...

Customer: I don't want to a computer, I just want to get the Internet on my TeeVee.

Me: Well, then, what you need is a WebTV.

Customer: How much is one of those?

Me: I have no idea, but you can purchase one at Sears or Frys.

Customer: Don't you guys provide the WebTV units?

Me: No ma'am. We're just an Internet Service Provider.

Customer (Talking to her husband): This lady has no idea what I'm talking about. (To me) I'm going to call someone more knowledable on Monday. *Click*

Gee, the customer must have seen one of the WebTV Infomercials on TV, and thought we could provide the units to access the Internet much like the cable company provides a converter to view Cable TeeVee.

An side hazard for being telephone tech support is that, thanks to my voice never changing, I sound like a woman over the phone. I don't bother correcting the customer. Still, it has it's moments.

(After long call where I signed up a new customer and set up her system)

Customer: Can I ask you one more question?

Me: Sure.

Customer: Is (blank) your real name, or was it a name given to you to answer the phones with?

Me: (Huh... ok) No, it's my real name.

Customer: Well, I'm a psychiatrist for a local school...

Me: (uhoh)

Customer: ...and I had you pegged at a middle-aged grandmotherly woman.

Me: (!) I assume you, ma'am, that I am a 30 yo guy whose voice has not bothered to change.

That one had everyone rolling on the floor laughing after I hung up. Customer was extreme satisfied.

-=-=-=-=-=-

Second incident, one week later.... I was doing a callback to fix a problem with a business customer. They had the most horrid hold music when all of the sudden...

Customer (most annoying voice): Are you still there, nice lady?

Me: (Nice LADY?!?!?!?!?) Yes.

Customer: Can you hang on for one more minute.

Me: (sigh)

-=-=-=-=-=-

Third incident..... I had finished a difficult case, had gone off-shift, and was kibitzing with the graveyard person. The difficult case had one last minor problem which graveyard had to deal with....

Graveyard: You were working with a gal in tech support this evening? (Thinking.... the last female tech support was... errr.... "escorted" out of the building) We don't have any women presently in tech support. (He sees me shaking my head and chuckling). Oh, well, *HE* is sitting behind me trying to contain his laughter, how can I help you?

-=-=-=-=-=-

Job interview in the not-too-distant future:

Interviewer: So, Mr. Z'Loth, what do you consider your greatest weakness?

Me: Well, my greatest weakness is that... I sound like a woman over the phone. It is because I am patient with the customer, and answer the phone in a calm, friendly manner. I am considering speech therapy in the near future.

THese are all from real callers I have taken, or from friends of mine.

1. Netscape is a valid operating system.

2. The OK, cancel and X (close) buttons in win 95 all do the same thing.

3. Internet explorer and windows explorer are the same program.

4. The problem is not your computer. It is never your computer. Whatever it is, it is the ISP's fault, and you should never let them even touch your settings because you know they're fine.

5. to remove a program, search for anything even remotely matching the name, and delete it. (explorer.exe for IE, command.com for command and conquer)

6. If you're unsure what something does, it's usually better to be safe and delete it.

7. because there is hardware on the market that can support something (ie. high processor speed); yours can, no matter how old it is (because ther are 400MHz processors on the market, your 100MHz will run at that speed if you overclock it).

8. floppy drives, cd roms and zip drives are not just for their respective media types, put whatever will fit into them in, then blame tech support when it doesn't work.

9. It is perfectly OK to lie to tech support, we all read minds anyway.

10. having a cordless phone, or call waiting, means you have a second phone line.

11. I am the only person on the face of the planet who uses double clicking and right clicking.

12. If you buy a system running win3.1 in 1995, it counts as windows 95 because that's the year you bought it and it has windows.

13. If a tech tells you something and it does not immediately solve your problem, the tech is an idiot and you should demand to see a supervisor.

14. If a tech tells you that they don't support a product, or that you have to actually be with their online service for them to support you, they are being rude and hard to get along with. Demand to talk to supervisor.

15. The ISP is responsible for all porn on the internet.

16. If it works in your office, the same settings will work for you at home, no matter how many gateways, firewalls, internal phone systems and other crap you need to go through. If it does not, it's because your service is crap.

17. Turning the monitor off and turning the computer off are the same thing.

18. Before you actually begin to discuss your current problem, you must recount all previous tech support calls, no matter that that was 15 years ago, in a different building, with a different computer. You must also disclose all irrelevant personal problems.

19. AOL is the best internet service, operating system, and computer type.

20. If the tech asks if you have made any changes to your computer, rebooting counts as a significant change.

21. If the tech asks if you have made any changes to your computer, Adding a new hard drive, upgrading the OS and BIOS, adding a new video card and modem, as well as installing five new software packages is not significant enough to mention.

22. If your ISP is available in only one area, you can only send email to people in that area.

23. ISP and ESP are the same thing (really, I'm not making this up, I had a guy actually ask me if he needed to be telepathic to use the internet.)

24. You do not need to have a phone line, or even a computer to connect to the internet. It's all a scam.

25. Your computer should work and connect to the internet, even though that tornado just hit your house and you have no electricity or phone.

26. When calling tech support, you should call on the crappiest, noisiest line available, and have the radio and TV on full blast, nd have as many barking dogs and screaming kids in the background as possible. Also note, that under NO circumstances, should you be in front of your computer.

Interesting Uses for Hardware.

1. man gets message "netscape uses cookies to access this site" (or something like it. man takes a chips ahoy and rams it into his zip drive. Calls tech support wanting to know what kind of cookie he should use.

2. Woman calls complaining her satellite dish isn't working, can't receive internet (we only support dialup). After much time, it was discovered that she had a microphone with a round base, and was holding it over her head like a satellite dish, trying to receive the internet.

3. Coffee cup holder CD rom (I know its old, but everyone else seems to use it so much i figured I should too)

4. Woman steps on her mouse, thinking it's a foot pedal.

5. man holds mouse upside down and tries to use it like trackball.

I support a number of different software programs, including

one of the more popular Voice Recognition Programs.

While discussing the potential use of "voice commands" in

the program, one of my customers got quite excited about the

prospect of being able to make his machine "do things" just

by talking. He ask, quite hopefully:

HIM: "Does this mean I can just talk into a mic and have my

computer come on?"

ME: "Um, do you mean as in starting the computer when it's

turned off...?" (Trying not to sound TOO incredulous).

HIM: "Yeah...! Can I just say 'computer on' and the program

will turn my computer on for me?"

ME: (gently trying to explain that, um, voice recognition

hasn't gotten quite that far yet....) Sigh...

Old McDonald had a farm, and on this farm he used Corel(tm) QuattroPro to track his livestock:

Corel Tech: Thank you for calling corel classic support, how nay i help you?

Old McDonald: I'm having a problem with QuattroPro 7.

Corel Tech: OK, and what seems to be the trouble?

Old McDonald: (sounding quite irate) Well, I'm using it to keep inventory of my dairy herd, and this piece of crap is not updating properly.

Corel Tech: How do you mean?

Old McDonald: Well, one of my cows died yesterday, but she's still on the listed on the spreadsheet. I thought this was supposed to update changes to inventory.

Corel Tech: OK, Did you check the cable between the cow and the computer?

Old Mcdonald: (sounding perplexed)There is no cable between the cow and computer.

Corel Tech: Well, then there must be some sort of wireless link? Infrared or something?

Old McDonald: Not that I know of. What are you talking about?

Corel Tech: Well, if the cow is not connected to the computer, how would the computer know it was dead?

Old McDonald: I don't know, it's just supposed to update changes to my inventory. You're the technician, you should know how it does that. I just want the damned thing fixed.

Corel Tech: (insert lengthy explanation of why the computer has no idea that the cow is dead)

Old Mcdonald: Well then I want my money back, if it doesn't do what it says it's gonna do. (Still has no understanding of why his expensive, high tech computer can't see something as obvious as a dead cow.)