Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

In taking calls for a national healthcare provider I watched the lights on my phone with anticipation waiting for something to break.

Finally, that framiliar ringtone that signals to me its time to make the donuts.

I answer with my usual enthusiasm and ask the user what the problem is.

Me: What seems to be the problem

User:Well I can not connect to the computer

Me:What computer ? Are you a VPN user

User: I think so ( user gives login info )

Me: Can you click the blue E on your desktop and tell me if you have access to the internet please

User: The what ?

Me:The big blue e that looks sorta like a planet

User: O that thing, OK

Me: Are you connecting to your homepage ?

User: No I dont think so. It says page cannot be displayed

Me: No you are not connected, are you a DSL, Cable, or dialup user

User: do wha ?

Me:Are you a DSL, Cable, or dialup

User: I am on high speed

Me: *sigh* Ok lets try and log in with your VPN information

User: My wha

Me: The information you provided me about 3 minutes ago .. lets use that to see if we can log you in

User: ok if you say so

*2 minutes of brainnumbing silence*

I hear user scream " DONT FALL "

Me: Is everything ok maam

User: Yes, everything is fine...It looked like the guy on the telephone pole outside my window was going to fall off.

Me: maam you have someone working on your telephone line ?

User: Yes he is fixing the internet.

Me: *sigh* thanks for calling, please call back when he is finished.

I work as second level tech-support for a Major ISP here in the land of milk honey and suicide bombers(Israel :-) ). Often I need to deal with people who are not the sharpest to say the least. the following are two of those times:

M = Me

C = Customer

First Story:

M: What Operating system are you running sir?

C: 98-XP

ME: ?????????????.....Ahhh, which of those are you running? Windows XP or Windows 98?

C: Yes

M: *Bangs head on desk*

Second Story:

M: Go to settings and click Control Panel

C: I see the "Control" Button, I cant find "Panel"

M: ????@#^%$# Huhhhhhhhh

I was one of the tech people at a high school in a state that shall remain annonymous. One day I got a call from the Journalism teacher asking me if I could come down and help one of her students. I was supposed to deal with software issues and this was a hardware issue but the other guy was busy so I headed down.

When I get to the room I find a floppy disk stuck in one of the drives. I am not sure what had been done up till now but it was really jammed in there. Apparently there was a very important story on this disk (no backup, of course) and they really needed to get to the files. The computer would not read the disk so after other attempts to extract it, I finally told the student that I would have to pull it out with force. I grabbed the disk with some needle-nosed pliers and yanked. The disk came out minus the protective metal sleeve which flew somewhere across the room. I checked the drive and it didn't look like anything else was in it so we put the disk back in and remarkably the computer read the data.

I told her to pull all the files off the disk, throw it away, and copy the files to at least 2 floppies so they had a backup for next time. And to always do this just in case.

I get a call about a week later, the same kid is having a problem with her disk. Her computer won't read her data and her new story is due today (still no backup, of course). I head down there again, sit down at the computer and sure enough the disk is not recognized. I pop the disk out (no pliers this time) and its the same disk she was instructed to throw away last week still sans metal protective cover. After talking with her I find she has been using the disk all week and tossing it in her backpack when she didn't need it (bad enough for any disk but really bad for one with no cover!) I told her that I hoped her memory and typing skills were good because there was nothing I could do. I left and this time I took the disk with me.

Not computer related, but never mind.

My mobile phone was broken, so I called my provider to have it replaced under insurance. The keypad was jammed entirely, nothing was working. The conversation went like this.

Op: OK, what I'd like you to do is to press and hold the power button.

Me: The keypad is jammed. It won't work.

Op: I understand that, sir, but I'd like you to try it anyway.

Me: OK - (I said I did it, I didn't though)

Op: Has it turned on?

Me: No, just a blank screen.

Op: Erm, OK.... Now enter your PIN if you have one.

Me: The phone is off.

Op: I'd still like you to try it.

Me: OK(pretend to do it...)Still no change.

Op: Now, are you sure the battery is in and fully charged?

Me: Yes.

Op: OK, I'd like you to give me your IMEI number by typing in *#06#.

Me: (Gave him IMEI number, printed on label in battery compartment)

Op: Now, you said your phone was off, but you gave me your IMEI number. Are you sure you still want to procede with this claim?

After telling hime where I got the IMEI number from, he wouldn't believe me. It was only when I started shouting that I got put through to someone else (at his reuqest) who had no problem authorising the courier to deliver a new phone the next morning.

Note: Every Dell computer has a sticker with a service tag number on it, which uniquely identifies it.

(While updating some inventory records during a tech support call)

ME: I need to update some records. Is your computer a Dell?

CALLER: Let me see - yes it is.

ME: Please take a moment to find the white barcoded sticker on your computer and read me the service tag.

CALLER: Ah, here it is. MX-0X...

ME: Dash? No, that's not the service tag number. Keep looking...

CALLER: Oh, here's another sticker. MX0X3758476...

ME: No. That number's too long.

CALLER: I don't see any other stickers.

ME: Are you sure it's a Dell?

CALLER: Yes, it says it right on the front.

ME: Hmmm... Okay, don't worry about it. Just read me what model it is. It should be on the front of the computer.

CALLER: I don't see anything else on the front... just four buttons.

ME: Alright then, I'll let you get back to... did you say four buttons?

CALLER: Yes.

ME: And nothing else?

CALLER: Nothing else... Well, except for the screen, of course.

ME: Okay, that's your monitor. The computer is that other box.

CALLER: Oh. Sorry about that.

ME: Allright, now that we got that straight, is the computer a Dell?

CALLER: No.

ME: Do you see any brand name on the front?

CALLER: No.

ME: That's fine. Have a nice day.

Why do I always give people too much credit for knowing the difference between a monitor and a computer? This confusion has led to many such ridiculous conversations.

I do tech support for a state government office. Mostly basic things like passwords and so forth. Most of it is normal dealings with standard users but from time to time I get one.

(M) = Me

(U) = User

M = Help desk. How can I help you?

U = My e-mail hasn't worked in over a week. Can you help me?

M = Sure. Lets try a couple of things real quick.

U = I'm actually supprised that you havn't sent someone down yet to fix this. I contacted you a week ago.

M = I don't remember your call. Did you talk to me our another tech when you called?

U = Oh, I didn't call. I sent you an e-mail.

M = Let me get this straight. You sent me an e-mail saying your e-mail was down?

U = Umm yeah.

M = Sir in the future you may want to call me on the phone instead of sending me an e-mail to tell me your e-mail is down.

U = Oh God I fell Stupid.

The sad truth is this is a real call. I laughed for half an hour after as did my fellow techs.

Verbatim quote from one of our trouble tickets:

PRINTER IN COIN ROOM 2 BROKEN.

SAYS PAPER JAM.

CAN'T FIND THE PAPER.

SOMEONE SPRAYED COMPRESSED AIR THINKING IT WAS DIRTY AND THE STRAW FLEW INTO THE PRINTER AND CAN'T FIND IT

I guess now we have to find the paper *and* the straw. Gotta give someone credit for at least trying with the compressed air, though.

I just recently started working for an ISP and heard of many funny tech calls and stupid ones. This is one i just got about 30 minutes ago.

M=Me, C=Customer.

M= Thank you for calling ****, my name is **** how may i help you?

C= I cant connect to the Internet.

I got all the information I needed, and then decided to try and reset their cable modem.

M= Ok, can i get you to shutdown your windows and then un-plug the power to the cable modem.

C= Ok hold on.

After waiting about 10 minutes I was wondering what the customer was doing, I kept asking if anyone was on the line but nobody answered back. About 5 minutes after this.

C= Ok all my windows are closed and my modem is unplugged.

M= So you connect more then one computer to the Internet?

C= No.

M= Ok, so your computer is off right now?

C= No, i closed all my windows and unplugged the modem, do you want me to turn off my computer now?

M= *&$*$$*

The customer actually went around her house closing all her Windows, thinking that might help somehow..

Here is an online chat conversation I had with an end user. Tell me how I'm supposed to deal with this exactly?

"Moron (9:52 AM) - Hi there ... when you are not too, too busy, can you swing by my desk?

Moron (9:53 AM) - will be much appreciated!

Tech Support Girl (9:53 AM) - Sure! what did you need?

Moron (9:54 AM) - that's fine ... thanks!"

?!?!?!

I've had this problem with two different cable ISPs, once when setting up a friend's Linux box to use his cable modem and once again when setting up mine. It's not even so much the fact that they don't officially support Linux, but the fact that the mere mention of the word "Linux" seems to interrupt all logical thought in some (but by no means all) first-tier tech support people. Here's what happens.

After messing around with various DHCP clients without success, I call or email tech support. Here's how the discussion goes.

Tech Support: Thank you for calling [insert ISP name] tech support. May I help you?

Me: Yes please. I'd like to make sure the MAC address for this modem is activated. Here's the account info: [...account number, name, MAC address from back of modem, etc...]

Tech Support: Yes sir, the MAC address is on your modem.

Me: Yes, but I need to know whether it's been enabled. I can't get an IP address.

Tech Support: OK, go to Internet Explorer...

Me: By the way, I'm using Linux, so there's no IE, but I just need to know if the account is active yet.

Tech Support: We don't support Linux, sir.

Me: Yes, I realize that, but I don't think this is a Linux issue per se. I just need to make sure you guys have the account activated with the right MAC address and all, and I can figure out the Linux part from there.

Tech Support: But we don't support Linux, sir.

Me: [deep breath]...So it's impossible to even connect using Linux? [At this point I figured maybe there might be some proprietary protocol they were using??]

Tech Support: No sir, some of our customers do use Linux, but we don't support it.

Me: OK, fine. So anyone with an active account can connect using the modem they were issued and a working computer, right?

Tech Support: Yes sir.

Me: So if you could tell me whether this account is set up yet, I'll figure out the Linux-related stuff on my own.

Tech Support: We don't support Linux, sir.

Me: OK, thank you...[hang up]...*GROAN*

I finally did get both accounts set up after much Googling for info and big headaches, though in one case I actually did find a support person who knew what Linux was and therefore realized my question had less to do with Linux than with the account and he was very helpful. I know there are different Linux distributions and I understand why ISPs sometimes don't support it, but that shouldn't stop the support person from being able to see whether the account is properly set up.

In my brief stint as a tech support slave for the now defunct Packard Bell, I experienced some very memorable customer issues. Here's one of my favorites.

The caller described a common problem. She had moved the PC to a new location, now it doesn't work.

After the usual preliminaries, we got to the basic "is it plugged in" testing. I asked her if it was plugged into a power strip. It was. I asked, "Is the power strip plugged into the wall?" Her reply, "Oh. Never mind."

I was a supervisor working for a large computer manufacturer. I handled the calls when the "tier one" technical agent couldn't appease the customer. This woman was calling in about her mother who purchased a computer.

Me: Hello, my name is David, I am a supervisor here at [Really Big Company] How can I help you?

Customer: Your agent couldn't get Microsoft Office to work.

(Microsoft Office? I check very quickly against the specifications of the model. This model doesn't ship with Office but rather with Microsoft Works. The tier one agent had just spent thirty minutes trying to start software that wasn't even on the machine.)

Me: Maam, this computer, a model Z11Q, doesn't come with Office, it comes with Works.

Customer: When my mother bought this computer, the sales person told her that it comes with Microsoft Office.

( I check again, I verify the model number. There is no way this computer came with Office pre-installed. I show her how to start Microsoft Works)

Customer: But my mother needs a computer with Microsoft Office.

Me: Well, you can always buy a copy of Microsoft Office and install it on this computer. It is more than powerful enough to run Office.

Customer: I want you to send my mother a copy of Microsoft Office.

Me: I am sorry, but you purchased a computer that did not come with Office.

Customer: I am under warrenty, I want Microsoft Office.

Me: You are under warrenty, but your computer is working perfectly, your software applications are running fine.

Customer: The sales person said that it came with Office. I am not lying about that!

(At that point I imagined this dialogue in my mind:)

*Mother to salesperson: Does this computer come with a word-processor?

*Salesperson: It comes with a basic office suite called Microsoft Works, which has word-processor, spreadsheet, and database.

*Mother: Oh perfect! it has Microsoft on it, and an office suite too!

(Even though I knew right then that she had misunderstood the salesperson, I won't argue with the costomer.)

Me: Okay, I will take your word for it, the salesperson made a mistake.

Customer: So you will send my mom a copy of Office.

Me: Why would we do that?

Customer: To make up for your mistake.

Me: But the salesperson doesn't work for us, we are the [Really Big] manufactuer, the sales person works for [Big Box].

Customer: But you trained him!

(Not Really)

Me: Have you talked to the people at [Big Box]? Most retailers allow you to return the product within fourteen days of purchase.

Customer: Mom bought this computer months ago. We talked to [Big Box] yesterday and they won't do anything. (As it turns out, the mother had bought the computer months ago, and had been using it all this time, not realizing that it didn't have office on it. Now she had Word files from work that weren't opening. )

Me: So, if the retailer won't do anything, why are you calling us?

Customer: My mother needs a computer with Microsoft Office for her work. It is not my mother's fault they lied to her. She thought she was buying a computer with Microsoft Office. It is up to you to satisfy the customer. We have a warrenty with you.

Me: We provided you with a working computer, there is nothing wrong with it.

Customer: But we aren't satisfied. Surely, you can just send her a copy of Microsoft Office.

Me: No, we don't put Microsoft Office on any of our retail sales machines. We don't even have that as a part in our warehouse. The only way it could happen is if I went to a store, bought it with my own money and sent it to you personally.

Customer: I have to tell you I am very upset with you for not caring. You treat your customers so poorly, I will never buy anything from you again.

(I could have said nothing, and the customer would have finished the call in less than a minute. But something inside me drove me on.)

Me: Excuse me, maam, but how has [Big Manufacturer] failed you? We gave you a working computer, we answered your questions, we will honor our warrenty, yet we aren't going to give you an expensive product you didn't pay for. Your mom's responsibility as a customer was to check her own purchases to see if she got what wanted. She had fourteen days to figure out she bought the wrong computer, take it back and pay for an upgrade. We don't owe you Microsoft Office.

(I had dealt with so many irate callers who had made such preposterous demands, but something about this caller's absolute refusal to take any responsibility for their predicament really got me going.)

Not so hard to bring the right mouse when given the model name and a description? Wrong.

I went to a PC-store known to have competent salesmen (I've been there dozens of times before) but this time knowledge was false.

I asked for a Logitech Cordless Click! Optical mouse. The guy asked if I had made an order via Internet. "Yes, I have" I answered. So then the guy checks the needed information from the computer and proceeds to check their supply room. That particular mouse had not yet arrived and I needed a mouse bad so I ended up cancelling my previous order and buying a similar mouse.

ME: "I'll take that Logitech Click! Optical mouse, please."

HIM: "Uh...sure. One moment."

He then takes an MX-series mouse--the one with the laser--really expensive, since it had been only two months in market.

ME: "Uh, that's an MX-series mouse. I don't want any of those."

Almost all of them have a button on the left side of the mouse (where one usually keeps his thumb) and I don't like that. Never mind why.

HIM: "Right. Well, here it is."

Great. A Microsoft mouse (and not even optical). Too big. No can do.

ME: "No, not a Microsoft mouse. I want a Logitech Click! Optical mouse."

HIM: "I don't think we have any of those..."

I happened to look at the shelf behind the guy and the shelf was full of these mice I wanted.

ME: "Well, there's one behind your back."

HIM: "Oh, you wanted this one. Well why didn't you say so?"

I did. I thought it was finally over but no. Wrong mouse. Again. Despite the fact that I had told him that I want an optical mouse with no thumb buttons, the guy offered me a Cordless Click! Plus mouse (I wanted one without the plus--is that so hard?).

I totally lost my nerve. I pointed directly at the mouse while giving him guidance ("a little bit left, now up...that's it!") to locate the mouse. To make my day, he managed to screw up in the receipt process and needed help from one of the senior staff (yes, this guy was new--or at least I haven't seen him before) which took about five additional minutes.

Lucky for the store, I still buy my computer parts and peripherals from there.

So I'm not sure if this is about me being a (l)user or about the computer support at my university.

Recently, my computer account stopped working. This was a big deal, I use my university account as the final destination of my e-mail, and the university network has two different expensive programs that I needed to work on for credit.

So I went to the computer support centre and told them about it. He was really good, told me to log on to make sure that the problem was real, then said that he'd get on it, my account should be up in a few hours. I then left FIRST MISTAKE.

Later that day I tried to log in again, and got a different error - the standard "your password and/or username are incorrect". Of course, I assumed that this meant my account had been deleted and not brought back up. SECOND MISTAKE.

As that was a Friday I figured that I'd give them the weekend and ask again on Monday, nothing was due until Thursday and it was really only a couple of hours of work. Finally, when I'm home over the weekend, my dad points out to me that I can change the destination of my e-mail to one of my working accounts (yes, I get e-mail now!).

When I go back to the computer support centre I mention the problem. The guy manning the desk looks at it, then writes down a password for me to try. Works fine (total time, 30 seconds).

Now, me assuming that I was going to have the same password was extrememly stupid. I can even understand that the first guy I talked to might not have realised that I'm not very good with computers, this is the engineering computer helpdesk after all. However, when I look in my e-mail which uses the same password as my computer account, and notice that the very first unread message there is from the computer support centre, telling me my new password, I really have to wonder. Is it all my fault?

A year or so ago, when i was working in a computer repair store, a guy came in and bought a computer. This sort of thing happens all the time. After he left, about 30 mins later, i got a call from him.

Me : "So how is your computer going sir, i hope everything is still working well"

User : "Well, no, its not working well, the damn thing broke before i even got it in the house!"

Me : "What do you mean broke? Did you drop the computer?"

User : "No, as i was getting it out of the car, the handle broke off! Can i bring it back in a get a new handle."

Me : "I'm sorry sir, computers that we sell dont have handles."

(and now the lightbulb goes *ding* in my head)

"Did the handle have any writing on it? such as '52x'?"

User : "Yeah, it did, and it was really hard to pull the handle out as well."

Me : "Sir, that was a part of the computer, the CD-ROM drive - used for reading CD's"

User : "Oh, well... can i get a new one?"

Ugh! Some people should not have computers :D

Denifia.

Years ago I worked as a technical applications support engineer for a software automation company. At the time, our application was a DOS [only] program. We were not yet done in porting our application to Windows 3.1, when Microsoft released this OS for retail distribution. Customers would sometimes attempt to run our DOS application under the [now] forgotten WIN 3.1 DOS Emulation mode/ window This would result in an error that everyone in our TS department would recognize immediately.

(C) = Customer (Note: Read with an Indian accent to get the full effect)

(M) = Me

(C) Yes, aaaa I am experiencing timing error code 1342

(M) Sir, are you running this application under Windows?

(C) No , our lab is in the middle of the building, there are no windows in this room!

I had to put him on hold for nearly 3 minutes to regain my composure and stop laughing. Unknowingly, this customer ended up receiving a recognition award on our wall of shame having providing the years #1 dumb-#*@ question.

Cheers, All!

John

I used to work for Hotmail a famous free web based email company located in Silicon Valley. As a tech support Engineer we got quite a high volume of calls, this particular caller was very specific about her problem.

She called to say that somebody on her company had put Hotmail on her computer and she wanted it out. I explained to her that couldn't possibly be, since hotmail was a web base application so somone could not possibly had install it on her computer. But she would not hear any lf it, she was demanding to get it out. I then figure out that someone must have set her start page to hotmail, so I told her if she Knew how to change, she said no. I said can you find the person who did this and have him undo it, since it was not really a hotmail tech support issue, she persisted on her "I want it out of my computer.. you put hotmail on it.. you have to take it out! " So I patiently explained to her how to change the start up page settings. She finally said "Thank you for taking Hotmail out of my computer" and hung up. I took a break and bursted out in laughter! :>)

Cesar

Tech Support Engineer

I'm working in a big research laboratory, I'm not a help desk guy, but only an user :-). And since I am the most computer knowledgeable person here, lots of people ask me about one thing or another, even the help desk when they don't know the answer.

Users here are quite competent. They often develop themselves mathematically complex programs. They follow advices quite well (up to date antivius, run up to date patches, run anti spyware programs, don't surf unnecessary web sites,...). You get the idea, the tech's dream!

However, sometimes...

One day, I made a joke. It was a long time ago, before the wide spread of the Internet. All viruses came on floppy disks (remember those days?). At that time floppy disks came with individual plastic bag, a good idea against dust. I wrote on the main billboard that "Now, they've invented condoms for floppies!".

Guess what? Two hours later, a user tells me that he is unable to read a disk...

He put the condom on it!

I explained him it was of course a joke.

He answered that he thought it was quite strange, but since I said that, it should be true!

An other day, at the beginning of email, an other user came in my office:

Him: I've just received a mail from someone who says he's Satan. Can I open the mail, or is it a virus?

Me: I don't understand, let's see what you received.

We went at his computer.

The message was "MAILER DAEMON: RETURNED MAIL..."

Well, I explained what a daemon was...

He felt quite stupid...

I promised not to tell anyone. Well...

I'm working in a big research laboratory, I'm only an user :-).

One brilliant scientist invited in ou lab had a speech this afternoon at the Academy of Sciences. He worked a large part of the night for his presentation.

He had a sudden problem with his powerbook, which contained all his night's work, all his presentation. He asked me for help. In fact, his machine had a lot of problems, it was developping a fatal hardware failure: no keyboard, intermittent video glitches, no floppy disk access, no CD,... It had not completely crashed, but only the mouse was available for user input. The NIC was still functional, but not inbound connection was possible.

I took some minutes to think...

It was not possible to remove the hard disk and put it in an other computer since we only had Unix worksations or PCs here. It was still possible to browse the web, but only those web sites in the history (remember, no keyboard to enter any URL).

I looked at the list. Yes! One is known, a FTP download from a *big* *well known* site, and I personaly know the chief administrator. I phoned him. I explained him the situation.

Login was not possible (how do you enter ID/password without keyboard?). My friend opened his site for upload to unauthentificated anonymous users... for two minutes. Imagine that!

The transfer succeeded.

The powerbook never started again.

Thanks, Stephane!!!

I'm working in a big research laboratory, I'm only an user :-). But not only the users can be stupid sometimes...

At the end of a year, long, long ago, I bought a Pentium Pro system from D**l. This was a two-processor capable workstation, but the budget was very tight and we could only afford one CPU at the moment. In january, we received the new year's budget for the lab, and I ordered the second processor kit (I gave them the serial number of the machine, so they have all the informations necessary in their database).

A few days later, I received a small parcel. It contained only the processor and the heat sink, not the required daughterboard.

M: Me.

D: D**l

M: I have ordered the #12345678 kit for the ABC45FY computer, and I only received the processor and the heat sink, not the daughterboard.

D: It's normal, you just put the second processor on the second socket on the motherboard.

M: But on the GXPro 200, the first CPU is on the mobo, the second is an option on a daughterboard.

D: One minute please, I check this.

M: Ok.

... nice music ...

D: You're right, please describe exactly what you need.

M: ??? Well, it'a a small green epoxy board, with a large white plastic rectangle named "socket8", and some capacitors and resistors aroud it! That's what I need.

D: Ok, I understand. You will receive it tomorow.

M: Thanks.

The next day, an other parcel from D**l, wich contained the daughterboard, only the daugterboard, not the metal frame around it to put it in the chassis...

I phoned again:

M: Thanks for the daughterboard, but shouldn't it come with some metal frame to screw it in the chassis?

D: Yes, of course, but since you said you only needed the daughterboard, I removed it.

M: ??? Well, I think it's better that I make one myself at the lab's machine shop...

I never bought a computer from them since that day...

I'm working in a research laboratory, and I'm only an user :-).

We wanted for real time data acquisition a computer with known components. We went to a local system integrator with the full list (everything specified in details). The guys looked quite knowledeable, I discussed a few minutes with them without problems. As a NIC, we chose a 3COM adapter (don't remember exactly the model but it doesn't matter).

The machine came with 3 Realtek Ethernet cards. Well, 3 COMs...

I'm working in a research laboratory, and I'm only an user :-). But sometimes, it's the tech support who doesn't get it...

We purchased a server from a well known company (not D**l, see above). After eight month of continuous service, the computer stopped working. No boot, no video, all diag leds on motherboard red, only the fans were running. If the machine was off a long time (say, one day), it could reboot fine and run a few hours, but locked afterwards. Run time was approximately proportional to the off time (at first order approximation of course :-) One week end turned off and the machine could run a full day...

I called the support, they gave me the RMA. I sent the computer with a complete description of the problem, and I even suggested that it should be a bad capacitor in the power supply or motherboard.

Two week later, the machine came back. The explanation was (short version): "ID 10 T error: you put ECC RAM on it, it is not designed for it, please change RAM". On a SERVER, imagine that...

The computer seemed working, I had stupidly not noted the serial number of all parts, so I couldn't know if they changed something and didn't tell me.

One week later the machine crashed again. So I called again.

The tech asked me to reinstall Windows, it should be a software error (BTW, the server runs Linux). No I said, it doesn't boot *at all*. After 10 minutes, I have a RMA... I sent it with a complete description of the problem and its history.

The machine came again, with nothing done: "ID 10 T error, could not reproduce the problem".

The computer ran one week (not in production, just as a test in my office). Of course it crashed a week later...

I called the tech support boss directly, explained him my story. He was a nice guy and was sorry. He told me to send the machine again. I asked that instead he send me a new mobo and power supply, I could change them myself, it will be easier and faster. He did it.

It was the motherboard.

Two years later, this computer is still runnig fine.

An evening with friends.

I noticed that their 5 years old daughter was playing with her father's laptop. Later in the evening, it was evident that she succeded in finding the Toshiba utilities, chose a new password (none was defined), entered it twice (!).

Has you ever tried to ask a 5 years old girl what she entered two hours ago? Well, it's an impossible task.

The laptop was locked.

The next day, we phoned Toshiba tech support for help. Nope. You have to return the computer, they have a special keydisk for maintenance. It takes several days.

My friend had important files on the laptop which he really needed immediately.

Ok, I open the laptop, remove all batteries, wait a few minutes, reassemble the computer, turn it on: "password?"

I searched on the web and found what's on the keydisk. I tried that, it worked...

Remember: never let a blank password, anyone can chose one for you!

The lab's web served behaved oddly. It needed a reboot, but the administrator was on vacation. Password unknown.

The director asked me if I could so something. Of course I could find tools for that on the web, but they are unsafe :-)

He said that in movies, the hero always succeeds.

Ok, let's see, but it's only on movies, real life is not exactly like that. First try: wife's name. It worked. Duh!

Heard once while walking in the corridor:

"In order to install a 486 in its socket, you put the Intel logo in front of you" said a student to his colleagues in an electronics lab. I quicly entered the room. Too late, he has turned the computer on. It booted fine.

I explained them that a safer procedure was to check for the angled corner of the chip, or the square pin at the bottom of it. First method depends on which side you look at the computer and not all motheboards are the same.

"But I already have done it several times" said the student.

Lucky man...

A computer was completely destroyed in the student's electronic lab. *each* silicon chip escaped through a hole in its package (the magic smoke...). EACH PART, EVERYWHERE.

The 9 wire from the mobo to the COM1 port was pure carbon. I asked the students, each swore he has done nothing :-) I guess they tried to transmit data over power line...

Fortunately, no one was harmed.

An old lady in my lab is really brilliant with mathematics, etc... She runs programs with huge matrices, a lot of Fourier transforms, all the good standard mathematical tools :-)

She started with a 386, DOS, GWBASIC (maybe some of you know it existed). At that time I came to this lab. I told her that a Fortran compiler could be better. She bought the Microsoft Fortran compiler, learned Fortran, and still uses this langage. She programs herself (Ok, the GUI is horrible, but it works for her, that's the most important fact).

She bought a 486 when it was available. Then a Pentium. With the same old 16 bit compiler...

I told her to buy a 32 bit one (Watcom was nice then). She was worried about compatibility, but everything was fine after all. She noticed that with the 32 bit compiler, the 486 was faster that than the Pentium, and that the Pentium was faster than anything she could dream of :-)

Of course, she went all the way to the Pentium II, III, Athlon XP.

Last week, she asked me:

"If I buy an Athlon64, could you please install me a good 64-bit Windows, with a 64 bit compiler?"

Some users are really nice...

While at this point I would never buy from Dell again, I'm still stuck with an old Dell that just got off warentee. Anyway, at one point before this I had a glitch with the video card. Verticle lines appeared going down the display, and my other friends here at Caltech diagnosed the problem as a failed line in the video memory. I swapped the card for an identical one from another computer (in college, such things are easy to come by), and it worked perfectly. So I call Dell to get it replaced.

...

TS: Try reinstalling the driver.

Me: It works with the exact same card from another one. It's not the driver.

...

TS: Hm, ok. Fine. Try resetting the bios.

Me: [lieing] I already tried that. The video card is faulty and needs to be replaced.

...

[45 minutes later]

TS: Ok, it looks like the video card needs to be replaced. We'll send one out to you. What is your mailing address?

Me: [gives my PO box, since I'm at school and that's my only mailing address]

1 week later, TS calls back and asks me whether the tech they sent to install the video card came by yet. Clearly not, since he'd have a hard time knocking on the door of a PO box...

In the end I got sufficiently impatient with them not sending the part that I broke down and bought it myself.

And this was AFTER they moved their TS back to the USA.

I work as a webmaster for a major Danish non-profit organisation and from time to time i help colleagues with limited IT-skills. This often gives me good laughs, but my best tech-tale actually came courtesy of my ex-girlfriends father.

Back when my ex was still my girlfriend we were to spend a weekend at her parents house. Her father who is an engineeer by profession had bought a new PC a few weeks earlier, and intended to use it to develop his idea of a new kind of fast-drying concrete for construction purposes. He had had a computer be4 but really didn't know much about IT, but after a bit of phone-support we managed to get the thing up and running in no time. The PC was still working fine when we arrived there for our stay, no problems whatsoever.

My dad in law used the PC to run his special engineering software, email, surfing and thats about it. So at some point during our weekend stay when my ex wanted to chat with her friends on MSN Messenger, she downloaded and installed the program. The next day, when we were back in our own place, the phone rang. I was my dad in law calling and I could hear he was somewhere inbetween panic and fury.

He told me that someone was hacking his PC probably in order to steal his new concrete-formula. He had already emailed the Danish Police Computer Crime Unit (CCU) and reported the incident, but now he didn't dare opening his DSL-connection, and could I please check his mail for him to see if the if the CCU had responded.

I had set him up with a state of the art firewall, so I found the idea of anyone being willing and able to hack his PC rather far fetched (And how on earth should those criminals have found out about his secret formula). So I tried to calm him down and asked him what had happened. This was his trembling voice reply:

- This morning I turned on the computer and started to work. It went fine for about an hour, and then suddenly the PC started sending reports that strangers with suspicious codenames was logging onto it. I managed to shut them down, but they kept breaking in to my PC. Then I emailed CCU and disconnected the DSL-connection....

This was the frst time I had ever heard of hackers sending messages with their codenames to their victims, so I asked him to give me some examples of these codenames, and two seconds later I was literally rolling on the floor laughing.

This ex-girlfriend of mine wasn't exactly an IT-wizz either, and though she knew some basic stuff she didn't manage (or bother) to disable auto-start and -logon in Messenger. After using MSN she had turned off the PC without mentioning anything about the install to neither her parents nor me, so when he turned it on the next day he had automatically logged on to MSN with my ex's email-adress. The "hackers" was of course her contacts logging on to MSN, and the "attacks" he managed to shut down was the little popup-windows from messenger telling when contacts was logging on.

When I regained my breath I told him the basics of messenger and asked him to send another email to CCU to explain his mistake. I bet they had a good laugh too :)

I'm glad I'm not doing IT as a career any more. I got a graphic reminder of why I dropped out of it, and went back into electronics, just a few weeks ago. Before I get into the filthy details, here's a quick summary of Lessons Learned from the incident.

(1) If you have no interest in providing computing support to anyone other than REAL computer techies, DON'T set things up for relatives or family!

(2) If you do set things up for relatives or family, you WILL get Stupid Support Calls. Guaranteed.

(3) No matter how much experience and education you may have in computers, networking, and related fields, you automatically know less than nothing if the relative's "computer guy" disagrees with you. This is regardless of how knowledgeable (or not) said "computer guy" is. All that matters is that your relative/family member is prepared to believe them, in defiance of all logic, reason, and common sense, over you.

So, here we go...

THE SITUATION: Cousin wants me to set up wireless access at my aunt's place, taking advantage of her cable broadband DSU. She'll pay for the hardware. She wants me to server as buyer and set-upper. No problem, I think. Wireless routers are pretty much install-and-forget IF they're done right.

THE PROJECT: I take everything down south last summer, get it set up, and adopt an attitude of healthy paranoia where the wireless setup is concerned. I disable SSID broadcast, set the SSID to something bizarre, and enable WPA encryption/access control. It's not perfect, but it's a lot better than WEP!

THE CALL: In late November, I get a call from my cousin. As I had feared, she wasn't able to use the wireless setup. Why? Because her laptop's transceiver (she has an Apple PowerBook) does not support WPA. This little detail sparked the following (paraphrased) phone chat:

M: = Me.

C: = Cousin.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

C: "You know, you really don't need all that security. I couldn't use the wireless because of it. It's a good thing that there's a community wireless node in the area (note: there's no such node -- she was tapping into an unsecured access point that their next-door neighbor was running) or I would have been sunk."

M: "Ahh, yes you do need that security..."

C: "No we don't. My computer guy says so."

M: " With due respect to your computer guy, he's wrong on this one. Trust me: Computing security used to be part of my job. There are any number of crackers Out There who actively search for unsecured wireless access points, and they'll happily jump onto any that they find and wreak all kinds of havoc."

C: "Well, I suppose I shouldn't step out of my house, then, or use a credit card ever again, or..."

M: "Look, it's not the same thing. Once you get into things like wireless network access, you get a whole new set of rules, period."

C: "Well, I'm not going to get into it with you..."

It went downhill from there. The bottom line is that, just because my cousin hasn't had any problems with her stuff, she thinks that I'm just being overly paranoid.

Then again, being a Mac user exclusively (and not very technically savvy at all), she has not the slightest clue of how inherently insecure Windows-based systems (like my aunt's main system) are.

I suppose I could simply shut down all security on the router, as a graphic illustration of what can happen, but I would rather not clean up the mess that would result.

To try and help out, I wrote a very detailed postal letter, for the benefit of my other cousin who does on-site support for my aunt's system, revealing all the gruesome details of how I'd set everything up. My other cousin is, supposedly, pretty savvy when it comes to computers. He's been in IT support with a major banking chain for years.

The sad part: For all his supposed tech knowledge (which I found out later was practically nil when it came to TCP/IP and networking), he couldn't follow what I'd written up.

And this is the guy I trusted the admin password for the router to.

Next summer, when I go back down, I'm locking that router down TIGHT, admin passwords included. NO ONE is going to get into the configuration section other than me and one other friend I know I can trust!

Because on occasion I have been known to visit chatooms, and game forums I tend to have a wide variety of people on my messengers. Of course, I turn out to be the first person anybody on my list asks for computer help.

On one particular day a friend messaged me asking for help on installing a piece of software. Although I did have this software on my computer, I obviously couldn't access the same setup screens as she would see, so I asked her if she knew how to take a screen shot.

Her: umm...no

Me: ok, first off, make sure you have the install window active (the titlebar will be a brighter blue color)

Her: ok, did that.

Me: ok, do you see the key directly to the right of the F12 key, labled Prt Scr(Print Screen)?

Her: yes

Me: ok, hold down the Alt key, and press the print screen key

Her: ok, but nothing happened.

Me: yes it did, all it did was took a "Snapshot" of that window and copied it to the clipboard (memory).

Her: but it didn't do anything...

[starting to get a bit annoyed...believe it or not, I do have stuff I want to get done]

Me: ok, just keep following along, and I'll show you it did.

Her: ok

Me: now click the "Start" button on your task bar, hold your mouse pointer over "all programs" and then do the same over the "accessories" folder...and click on Paint.

Her: ok

Me: (after waiting a few seconds)Is paint open?

Her: yes.

Me: ok, now go to the "Edit" menu in Paint, and select Paste

(waiting a couple of minutes for her to respond, and starting to get really annoyed...)

Me: do you see your picture?

(a full 3-4 minutes this time before she finally responded...I like helping people, but c'mon...my sole purpose in life isn't tech support)

Her: no

[wondering what on earth she could be doing wrong...]

Me: did you go to the Edit menu and select paste?

[grasping at straws]

Her: there is no select paste, all I see is a select all

[After taking some time in disbelief and finally realizing that I have just found the epicenter of stupidity..and she was it, I decided I needed to make myself clear-ER]

Me: ok, I said select Paste, as in choose, pick, click-on, elect?! see the edit menu, see PASTE? click on it!

Her: OK lol

[and she laughs? ignorance really must be bliss..lol]

Me: do you see your picture now?

Her: yes

[audible sigh from my end]

Me: ok, now go to the "FILE" menu, and CLICK ON "SAVE", and name it something, remember where you saved it, and send it to me.

[not even bothering to try to get her to save it as a jpg, I'll take the few extra seconds to download a bitmap...it'll be faster]

I recieve the file and take a look at it..

Me: ok, click on "Install Office 2003"

Her: I gotta go...ttyl

Yep, that was it... I get the first step on the screen, and she had to go, after wasting a good half hour. needless to say I deleted her imediately after she signed out.

I got a call when I was covering the help desk this weekend. One of our reps left her laptop in the car overnight. It froze. She brought it inside the following morning, and instead of waiting for it to warm up naturally, she plugs it in. Now she can boot to the manufacturer's logo screen and nothing else.

I told her she would have to call the manufacturer, as our office only supports our software. But that wasn't why she was calling.

It seems she has a friend who works for the local DEA office. He took her computer over to their lab, opened it up, and was able to see what was on her hard drive.

She just needed to know what directory our software was in, so that he would know what to save.

At the School where I work, we had a new deputy ICT co-ordinator at the start of the year in September named Miss Alsbury.

Aside from the fact that she's been timetabled to teach some of the most behaviourally-challenged classes, she's had a bit of a hard time settling in and seems to like blaming it on the "unreliability and sluggishness" of our network.

There's nothing wrong with the network - though I am obliged to say that - but she DOES have a serious communication problem getting anything across to even the most willing student and I am seriously questioning her intelligence and ability to teach ICT as a subject.

Although I'd had this suspicion for some time and had actually voiced it to the ICT co-ordinator, the clincher came in one of the INSET days (teacher training days) we had just before Christmas 2004.

She accosted me and one of my junior tech's while we were re-imaging all the PC's in her classroom (to remove any doubt about the software errors she had been blaming for bad student attainment and behaviour) and said in a rather accusing tone:

"Did you know that if a student turns the power off at the wall, the software you installed on their computer doesn't work any more??"

I've usually got an answer to most things, but that left me unable to believe my ears and absolutely speechless!

Recently, everyone in the IT department where I work was sent on a one day training course for the antivirus

software package that we use.

It was deemed after the training (by the managers) that we didn't really know what we are talking about, to ensure that our A-V protection is properly configured so it would be a good idea to have a consultant in from the company to check over the setup and go through the options with us and the pros and cons of each.

Consultant comes in one day at great expense, and sets up net send messages to the various IT department members to receive alert messages, of which I am one. Sends a test message, I get it, as do a few others, but some don't.

It was deemed OK at the time, because at least some people got the message and the consultant was allowed

to leave, having "completed" her job.

Step forward several weeks and same bunch of people get A-V alert messages from someone who has got a virus.

In the intervening weeks I've been studying for my MCP WinXP Pro.

After dealing with the virus, I go and check the PCs that messages don't appear, and sure enough, the Messenger service is disabled. Enable the service, start it, run a test NET SEND and sure enough it works.

I'm not sure to worry more about the vendor A-V consultant who didn't know how to check this, or the fact that

we have an MCSE on our team who didn't pick this up earlier.

Call Log: I can watch a video on my desktop PC and see the video, but get no sound out.

My initial checks:

Is the volume at minimum? No;

Is it muted? No;

Are the speakers/Headphones plugged in to the mains and green audio output? What speakers or headphones?

Call closed.

One of the most wonderful things in tech support has happened. I no longer even speak to any customers. All correspodence is through email only as I telecommute. And if there actually is a problem, back to the Helldesk with you.

No one has given me instructions in my new job on how to pick up calls from 'my' new location as I never go there. (1000 miles away).

Customers are forbidden (strictly enforced policy) from directly phoning me, which one idiot jerk who has an apparently well deserved repuataion for thinking he is almighty god, NOT! tried to do.

No problem, emailed my manager, who emailed jerk to not call his techs at home, EVER! And casually mentioned that his call was in direct violation of the legal contract between our two companies. We also recently moved, changing not just location. but all phone numbers, ah bliss.

And as you can guess, I have been cold shouldering all supposed 'friends' who thought I was their personal tech support by giving them the number of a local (very well run) computer shop for assistance. $$$$$$ paid out sure shuts people up fast. :)

Ya know why? I have had it with people who refuse to learn and I fnally realized that their problems are not mine and I can actually tell them so because their opinions of me don't matter either.

Am I a louse? You bet and I finally realized I'm not kissing anyone's a$$ to keep them happy. Not even my wife.

One of the best calls for assistance when I first started full time tech support came from a VB developer, no less.

Seems he kept having stack and out of memory errors with his programs. Hm, this is my problem, how??

When I told him that if he didn't know how to debug his work, I couldn't help him either, he had his boss call my boss. Bad move.

My boss told his boss that not only was it not IT's problem, but all future support calls for idiot would be given the lowest possible priority and if said idiot complained, the original issue would be escalated to company's CIO under a formal complaint against the (contracted) developer. Filed by my boss himself.

End of issue. Permanently. Developer kept mouth firmly shut.

Okay, so here I am housesitting for a friend. I had done a lot of work on said friend's PCs, so I thought I'd do a check of the machines. I sit down at one and I note that multiple popups are appearing on the screen of their own accord. No problem, I say to myself. I pop open task manager to find more suspect programs running in the background. Even better, I say. And then I look at the desktop and see a certain popular P2P program that begins with a K. Shazbot, I tell myself. I thought I had installed the anti-nastiness measures on this machine myself... but there were none to be found.

So... I fired the main cannon on the spyware and sat in amazement at the sheer number. The tally complete was 1239 'critical objects'. What's a tech to do? I smite the offending objects, but not before taking a screenshot of the result summary. Then I gave the PC a housecall AV scan and wiped five trojans from the box. Wahoo. More evil 'thingamabobs' eradicated.

For the final touch, I opened up the screencap and added a caption underneath the report of the number of critical objects -- "A New Record!" -- and set that as the PC's desktop wallpaper. I'll have to see if the user noticies.