Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I work in maintenance programming for my company. One of the things that often falls to me is creating new reports from old data. One day, I received a request for a new report. I went and talked to the user and determined exactly what her needs were - what data she wanted, how it was to be displayed, how often it would be run... everything.

I dutifully went off and programmed. About a week later I caught up with the user again, with the finished report in hand for her to sign off. She read it over carefully, looked up at me, and said, "That's just what I asked for. But it's not what I want."

I manage the Helpdesk for a specific Document Control system for a large construction company in London. We provide support for users on two domains on our internal LAN (one for staff, one for Contractors based on site) and via ISDN/leased lines and Cisco routers for WAN users based in the UK as well as in various other countries (Canada, the US, France, Italy, Croatia, etc).

Due to the time difference, it's often frustrating for users based in North America because we only man the Helpdesk until 5:30 London time. A user called from Toronto at 5:15 pm with what seemed to be an unusually complicated problem, but he wasn't prepared to wait until the next day for one of the techs to call him back so I said I'd try to help him out. BIG mistake.

He was not a native English speaker - he spoke with a heavy Asian accent and had great difficulty understanding me, so we carried on slowly... and loudly, since he'd put me on speakerphone after about 2 minutes. This was one of those delightful users who has trouble finding the START key (I usually just say "at the bottom left of your screen... he'd confused the issue somewhat by mysteriously relocating his taskbar so that the START key was at the top right instead), and progress was laboured and frustrating.

After **2 HOURS** (I kid you not) of shouting into the speakerphone, I figured out that the problem had to be with his hardware connection and asked him for the fourth time (slowly, enunciating clearly) to check the router connection to see if all the lights were on. After a few moments of silence, I said, "are you there?"...

....AND SOMEONE SAID IN PERFECT ENGLISH, "HANG ON, HE'S JUST CHECKING NOW".

....

....

After staring in absolute disbelief at my phone for about 30 seconds, I said, "um... have you been there the whole time?" He says, "yes, I'm internal tech support and he asked me to be on hand in case I was needed".

Now, far be it from me to criticise one of our esteemed clients - but wouldn't you think that the IT department had better things to do than to sit for 2 hours at the PC of an incompetent user amusing themselves by listening to the person at the other end try not to rip the user's throat out by remote control?!?!?!

Anyway, turned out that their ISDN line was down - since I'd suggested this about half an hour into what turned out to be a 2&1/2 hour conversation, I was literally steaming by the time I hung up.

I don't take his calls anymore.

Not really a tech tale, but a good laugh for all you techs out there.

My sister received a phone call from her Father-In-Law informing her of a great deal on a computer. "Someone I know just bought a new computer and they're selling their old one. It even comes with a keyboard and a hard drive!"

In case anyone is interested in this deal, sorry, it has already been sold. I guess when you include the keyboard and hard drive both, they sure sell fast! :)

I'm a new tech at a national help center, and have worked with computers for about 14 years now. I'm spent my free time learning and playing with Novell, Windows NT, etc. I don't concider myself a rocket scientist, or anything close to that. I do know something about how things work with the world though and wonder about the local ITs at the company.

First big show of intelligents: We have company e-mail, no one bothers showing where or telling you that you need to change you password. One day I come into work, and find I can't access my e-mail. Doesn't like my password. I find out that everyone's e-mail password was changed at the main corporate HQ (somewhere else far away) and that they e-mailed us our new password. hmmmmmm... well, it appears that we need our new password to check our e-mail to get our new password... go figure...

second major show: They use Norton ghost to setup everyone's computers with software, well that makes sense being they have over 1000 computers here. But they keep having problems with it. Wouldn't you think they would try to fix it so that they don't keep having problems? nope, they just keep doing the same thing each time.

I know my customers aren't the smartest cookies in the world, but what the heck are these I.T.s? I think where I work, it must stand for Idiot techs.

I will stay with my personal setup in my home, 5 computers all networked, running many different versions of Windows, and knowing that I can fix them anytime... go figure is right...

I've been working with computer support in one way or

another since 1985, and after having been working as a

computer network coordinator for two different companies

during the last 11 years, I'm now back on "the other side

of the table" as a senior networking consultant.

What I want to tell you about is an incident that took place

in 1988, when I had my first consulting job. At this company

we actually had some salespersons with considerable technical

insight - especially one person, who had the office next to

mine. So when his customers had problems with their computers,

they usually called him instead of the support desk.

And then he had a phonecall from a customer who had problems

getting a printout from Lotus 1-2-3. And our salesman comes

up with the usual questions, "Are the plugs fastened", "Are

there any lights on the printer when you turn on the power".

The customer grew strangely silent...

And then the very cautious query came through the phone:

"Printer...?"

Go figure :-)

I work in a college, and had a call from the head of school for IT. About her new pc that had a cd rom fitted.

HoS - I asked for a cd rom drive on my new pc

Me - Is there a panel on the front with 52X max on it

Hos - Yes

Me - There are two button to the right and down a bit from the writing press the one on the right

Sound of cd drive opening

Hos - Ooowww, thank

She hangs up

>From The laughing tech

Here is a letter from a customer of ours....

(I have made changes to protect the guilty - but the letter has not been edited)

[XXXXXXX] Service Centre

Freepost [XXXXXXXX]

[TOWN]

[COUNTY]

[POST CODE]

[HIS STREET]

[TOWN]

[COUNTY]

[POST CODE]

[DATE OF LETTER]

Dear Sirs

Please find enclosed my [UNIT] which was recently repaired by yourselves, for which I was delighted.

Being a total plonker, I didn't think and put normal Duracell battereis into the phone, then put it on the charger. I even rang Duracell to complain that one of their batteries had leaked, when the bloke from Duracell pointed out my mistake, he agreed that I was a plonker, which makes it kind of official.

I realise that there will be a charge to repair the [UNIT], and that it may in fact be damaged beyond repair by my total and absolute plonkerness.

If the repair is less than £30 please go ahead and send me an invoice which I will py by return, if it is more than £30 please call me on XXX XXXX XXXX or XXX XXXX XXXX.

By way of punishment I am happy to walk round for a whole day with a T-Shirt with the word 'Plonker' written on it in marker pen, and to send you photos to prove it.

Thanks in advance for you help

Regards

[CUSTOMER NAME]

Plonker

I was working support for a DSL company (before they were taken over by the Borg).

Our call hold times were anywhere between half and hour and two hours (prior to Code Red, we didn't have hold times most of the day). And I get this call:

Me: *speil* Can I get your DSL telephone number, area code first please?

Customer then proceeds to give me the account information.

Me: And what can I assist you with today?

Csr: Well, I installed this here Intel 2100, and it doesn't show up under Modems in my Device Manager.

Me: Are you having any problems with Internet access? Can you browse the web?

Csr: Sure, it's working fine, it just isn't listed under Modems.

Me: Well, sir, that's because the Intel is a network adapter. If you click on the plus symbol next to network adapters, you should see the Intel Pro DSL 2100 listed there.

Csr: Oh!! There it is!! Thank you so much!!! *click*

45 minutes on hold, through Code Red call volume, while his connection was WORKING JUST FINE, just because the Intel wasn't listed under Modems. It's gotta be the easiest call I ever took, with the happiest customer.

Some people got TOO much time on their hands, and they don't even work tech support!!

I recently started working as an email technical support. We had a new customer who couldn't quite seem to get his ftp client going. (when I asked him what client he was using all he could say was, "I need something that's free and easy.) He had "another website" that had it's own web based file manager. I'm betting geocities. I directed him to a couple popular FTP programs. What was his reply?

"I find your method of transference very inefficient and insultingly bothersome for the procedure in which i operate my websites. i need the details to cancel my account at once."

Because web based file management is so much more efficient!

It is 10am and a nice lady walks into our store... with a computer in her arms. Well...like a good little computer repair shop we asked her what had happenned...and so the tale began.

She had put the computer on the ground behind her suburban in preparation for loading it... however she got side-tracked and forgot about it...for three hours... in the rain. Then...she got in her suburban and... crunch.

The casing wasn't that bad but I doubt any of the hardware will work again. Either from the rain or the truck.

-------------------------------------------

We did some work for a do-it-yourself wine company and as all those places are...the guy decided to get us to work on his REALLY old system. (Specifically and NEC P90 w/16MB RAM). He wanted us to install a brand new USB laserjet he had recently purchased (although not from us). Well, we kindly informed him that the NEC would not do it...and he proceded to try to get us to take it in exchange for a P200MMX w/128MB RAM...and a larger hard drive... and he wanted us to do this strait accross. That's right, no payment for us.. we told him off.

Then... we wanted us to install some old DOS software on this machine... well it took about 12 tries before it installed...and then he took it back to his shop. Well...lo-and-behond it wouldn't print. I went there and checked his printer settings and it was fine on USB001, and there was even a DOS driver that made LPT1 point to USB001...

But the software still wouldn't print... I finally figured out why... the designer had decided that rather than outputting to LPT1... he would output directly to the IO port. The 2 problems with this are a) windows doesn't allow that, and b) it WILL not work with USB... of course the guy didn't get it...so I beat a hasty retreat out of there.

Well, after a number of years of working in the "field", I have seen a lot of stuff, but...

At the time this story happened I worked for a major bank as a Senior Systems Analyst. We needed to hire a person with medium to high technical skills to take care of one of our data centers, so we accepted a few resumes and set up a few interviews.

One day, a guy show up, very confident and serious... Two colleagues of mine and I were asking questions, but not many... here is why...

At the beginning we asked: "So, have you ever worked with DHCP and WINS Servers?"

Answer: "No... not really.... but I have worked with Compaq and HP!"

Bad news: he was hired despite our aweful recommendation...

At that moment I decided it was time to move on... all the way to the North!

Oh Canada...

I was a Senior Tech for a major retailer.

One of my other techs handed me the phone.

Me: Hello how may I help you?

User: My coffee cup holder broke.

Me: Hold and I will tranfer you to that department.

(User transfered back)

User: you dont understand, I bought a computer last week and the coffee cup holder that came with broke.

ME: I am sorry , I really dont know what kind the guys in the sales department gave you. (Thinking it was some kind of promo handout from like Intel or AMD. )

Let me tranfer you to them , I am sure the will give you a new one.

(User transfered back to me)

User: Look you dont understand, My coffee cup holder broke.

ME: Mam we do not fix coffee cup holders this is a Tech Repair bench. Who was your salesman ?

User: Gave me name.

Hold: I will call and speak with him.

ME: Hey sales guy... This is Franco

I have a lady on the phone that claims you gave her a

coffee cup holder when she bought her PC. What kind of

Handout did you give her?

Salesguy: I didnt give her any thing.

ME: No special freebe handouts?

Salesguy: NOPE. she called me earlier and I transfered her over to you. I thought maybe you guys gave her something.

ME: Nope, Thanks.

ME: Back to user...

I spoke with salesman and they have know clue as to

giving you a coffee cup holder.

USER: Getting upset, I am telling you I got it when I bought the PC. It is part of the PC.

ME: Thinking to myself (This Lady must be on ACID)

ME: Mam If it's something we sold you We can fix it.

If it something we gave you , I have no clue what you

might have ben given. But we cant fix that.

User: Really pissed, Look It was an option on the PC.

Just like the one on my Lexus. You push the button

on the dash and the Coffee cup holder comes out.

ME: (OH MY GOD) IN Disbelief

MAM, Yes we can fix that, but it will cost you

$65.00 per hour labor and the cost of the part.

USER: (JUST STEAMING)

I purchased your extra protection package.

It should be covered.

ME: I am sorry mam that is not covered.

USER: What?????

ME: Mam, I dont know how to tell you this but that

Coffee cup holder like the one in your Lexus....

It is a CD player for CD Disc's.

User: What is that?

ME: It is for software...

User: What?

ME: Mam, I am sorry but we cant fix it , because it was

user damaged.

User: PISSED - Let me spaek with your Manager.

ME: I really had fun giving this call to the Manager on Duty... :-)

I work as technical support for a firewall appliance. I just got this call a few minutes ago, and I decided that I had to share it with someone...

M = Me

L = Luser

(Just as a note, remember that most of the people that call us are system admins for entire networks, with users from 200+... the interestings ones are those that call and the first thing they say is, "Hi. I'm MCSE certified and ..." urg.)

M - Blah blah tech support. My name is ####.

L - I can't get this firewall working.

M - Is this a new appliance?

L - No.

M - Have you had it installed for a while?

L - Yes.

M - Have you configured it?

L - No.

(By now, his vague and not so helpful answers are frustrating me...)

M - Does it turn on?

L - Not anymore.

(This, of course, set off alarms in my head.

M - What was the last thing that you did before it stopped

working.

L - I turned it on, and started configuring it.

PAUSE. I'm waiting for what he did that screwed it up.

M - Did you do anything that might keep it from powering?

L - ...um... I had a bottle of snapple and...

(Oh god. I see where this is going.)

M - Did it spill on the appliance?

L - Just a little bit. But then it started to spark...

M - Then did you unplug it?

L - Well... I thought it might be on fire, and I didn't want

that to ruin anything... so I poured some water on it to

keep it from burning anything up. Is this going to void

the warranty?

M - (Gritting teeth) Sir... please hold.

I have him on mute for about 5 minutes, whilst I try and regain my composure.

M - I'm sorry sir. But that will not be covered by our

warranty.

L - (Starting to get irate) Well it's not my fault it broke.

M - You did pour a liquid on it, correct?

L - Yes, but that should be covered right?

(This goes on for about 20 minutes, around and around)

L - Let me speak to your supervisor! (really pissed now)

M - Sure thing!

I handed it off. It's been about two hours since this guy called in, and my boss is still talking with them...

*sigh*

I hate days like this. *Continuosly slams head into wall*

I had a call from a remote user who was mad that she had lost her Citrix connection, and she was sure our server had crashed. I assured her that the server was up, and that other users were still connected.

Here's her response:

Thanx - I will check with my ISP. We did have a mild earthquake. I never felt it, but who knows? Spooky.....

My brother says it's time for a little more chlorine in the gene pool.

I work as a Tier two supportperson and supervisor for a major University. Every once in a while we'll get some interesting e-mails. One in particular always comes to mind. A lady wrote in asking, "I spilled margarita mix all over my keyboard. What do I do?" George, our resident tech supervisor (who's since moved on to bigger and better things) simply responded, "Add tequila."

I'm not in tech support, but as a Web developer I once had to deal with a project manager who was so stupid that she caused an entire site to stop working once. One of the clients that she was managing wanted to move their JSP site from one host to another, and wanted us to make a few fixes to the site before they did. The fixes were simple, just changing the sort order of a couple of SQL statements, but I was worried that the new host they were moving from wouldn't have the proper server software installed to run a JSP site, since it was not that common at the time. The client company was a travel company so I figured they probably weren't technical enough to have paid attention to this fact, so I made sure that the PM (who was the sole point of client contact, by policy of our company) asked them to find out if their new host supported Java Server Pages. PM came back to me with the answer that yes, everything would be OK with the new host.

So I FTP'ed the site files to the new host and the client set in motion the DNS switching so that their URL would point to the new host. When the site went live, lo and behold none of the dynamic pages worked, and anything with a .jsp extension would put code up on the browser screen. Note that they hadn't done any testing on the new server before switching the DNS. Anyway, to make a long story short, after following up with the PM and lots of phone calls, it turns out that the whole time, the PM had been asking the client if their host supported *JavaScript*. How that person ever got hired to work in a tech company, I don't know.

A call came in for the ISP that I support. The customer was a self-described novice. She had just bought a pc from her company for dirt cheap and wanted to get connected to the internet. So, I asked all the usual questions and got her setup for connection to our servers. She had one phone line and hung up to try the connection.

An hour later a call comes in from the same user and she can't get Internet Explorer to connect. At first, the way she describes it, I think that IE is just not auto-dialing. Then, after asking a few questions, I begin to get the big picture.

She says, "Everytime I click on a site it doesn't connect. It gives me a deleted date and the option to restore." I said, "Hmm...what site are you trying to connect to?" "Recycle bin," she says. "Really? And what error does it give you?" "It just give me a deleted date and a restore date." "Ma'am?" "Yes." "Was this a site you were looking for?" "Yes..it happened to be right on my desktop so I clicked on it and got those messages." "Ma'am that is your recycle bin that comes with Windows 95. It may contain old links to websites but it is not what you use to browse the internet." "But I want to get to the site called Recycler or recycle bin." Well you'll have to use the Internet icon on your desktop to search for that site?" "How do I do that?" So, I explain how to open Internet Explorer and she opens it and she says, "Click connect right?" "Do you have more than one phone line?" "No." "Well don't...buzzzzzzzzzzzzz..dial tone."

I just has a customer call up, complaining that we could not assign him 3 more IP addresses neighboring his current one, he said this was an issue because he was using his company laptop behind his companies back, and he does not have administrative access to change the IP address setting -- he payed off one of the IT guys to set him up.

I told him the obvious, that I would not be able to help him, if he did not have the access to make the required changes! Sorry 'bout that!

(This is more of a tech job horror story than anything)

PS: Sorry for the length.

Like most of the techs up here in (insert the only major city in northern Alberta), I used to (stress the "used to part) do phone support for HP Pavilions through their outsourcer, (sounds like cawn-ver-jiz.) After a few months of fun on the phones, they bumped me to Supervisor, and while I didn't enjoy having to be rear-end-retentive about what cup people kept their water in, how long they took to go pee, and other silly things, it was kinda fun. Then, one day, my boss decides he wants to "get more in touch with the supervisors". Joy. It takes all of three days before things start to go downhill:

Him (loudly so everyone can hear): You were in charge of the floor yesterday, and I looked for you but i couldn't find you.

Me: I was on the floor all day. What time were you trying to find me?

Him: (mumbles something) sometime this morning.

Me: Well, there you go, I didn't start till 1PM.

Him: (mumbles something) Oh, I must have meant the afternoon.

Me: Well, what time? I'm sure I was up and around all day. Did you ask anyone where I was, check my desk, or just stand on a chair and look for me? (I'm 6'5", so I kinda stand out)

Him: Umm, I dunno what time and I didn't ask anyone, but I tried three times to find you and I couldn't, so you're not allowed to be in charge of the floor anymore. (walks away)

Yipee. So I put it down to bad luck and arrange for other people to cover the "in charge" shifts. A few days pass, and then he calls me in to visit HR.

Him: Now, we talked a few days ago about how you needed to stay out on the floor and be visible when you were in charge.

Me: Yeahhhh....

Him: Well, yesterday I looked for you several times, and I couldn't find you anywhere, and no-one knew where you were.

HR person pipes up: Yes, I went and looked for you too, and couldn't find you.

Me: But I wasn't in charge yesterday... you said I couldn't run the floor anymore, remember?

Him: Ummm...

HR person cuts in: Well, thats not the point. The point is that you neglected your duties by not being visible while in charge, so you're on probation.

Me: (insert choking sound)

The gist of it was that everything I did now had to be reported to my boss. *sigh* Fine, I say, mixups happen, I can get through this, positive thinking, etc etc etc.. So boss arranges weekly meetings, and wants all paperwork left on his desk to approve before it gets submitted. Boss cancels our meeting that week... fast forward to Monday when I come in to work. Boss waiting for me.

Him: We have a problem.

Me: Guzuh?

Him: You didn't submit any paperwork for last week!

Me: Guzuh?

Him: This is a serious problem, lets go talk to HR.

Me: Umm, no. Lets go to your cubicle instead.

I ignore his complaints, and escort him to his cubicle. I point to a large, neat pile of papers that has been sitting there all week, 12" to the left of his keyboard, with a large (3x5) inch bright yellow neon stickynote on top, with fullsize pink neon letters that says "(myname)'s forms", and the note underneath that says "As you requested, here is my paperwork, please approve and forward as we agreed upon."

Him: Uh, well, um... take this to (admin assistant) and tell her to put them in for last week.

So I mark this down to another mixup, we take them over to the admin person, and she puts them in. Everythings fine...

forward to next morning when I come in. Boss standing there, asks to see me in HR. Walks that way, and instead veers into little room outside HR, right by security. HR boss is there.

HR Boss: (short version) You're fired.

Me: Guzuh?

HR Boss: You didn't submit any paperwork last week, that breaks your probation.

Me (to my boss): It was on your desk! I showed you where it all was yesterday! We went to (admin assistant) and she put them in! (insert helpless look)

Boss: Yeah, well, by that time, we'd already done the paperwork for this, and it can't be undone. (shrug)

The moral of the story? Document *everything*, get witnesses to sign it, and most of all, don't trust your boss farther than you can throw him/her/it. Mostly because when they screw up, it's you who screwed up, even if it wasn't.

And remember that lifetime managers from Florida will normally screw nice people from Canada without a second thought.

I was working for a DSL provider called CapuNet. I walked a woman through setting up her email. Two days later she called to complain that:

1) She was getting no mail...

2) All the tests she sent to herself were getting bounced...

3) People she gave her address to told her it was not right....

Her mail should have been xxxx@capu.net.

She was setting up her Outlook and giving people:

xxxx@U.net....

When I went through her settings with her and found this her response was you told me capu.net and that is what i put....

Another one from my old job....

We had a customer that had AOL and that was all she knew...

She got DSL with us. A tech went out and hooked up his laptop to show her the line worked(techs were not allowed to setup customer machines). For 6 months she used the AOL thinking she was on DSL..She never called to configure her machine nor was it hooked up to the bridge...Well one day AOL is having problems and she calls us. I had her goto her TCP/IP properties and she did not even have a NIC card..She told me that she assumed that once the tech was there she was ready to go..She was given a instruction sheet which said in big bold letters to call us to setup her pc. She said that she looked at the paper but did not bother to read it. And after sending someone out to install a NIC and hook her up she never questioned the fact that for 6 months she was paying $22.00 a month for AOL and $80.00 a month for DSL.

All too often in my house i get called by one of my sisters who are having trouble with the computer, and it usually goes something like this:

sis: Why doesnt (insert program here) work?

me: Well, it worked for me last time, whats wrong?

sis: When i do this, it comes up with some words or something, and it doesnt work properly... Fix it!

me: (grudgingly) Okay, do whatever youre trying to do again so i can see...

sis: (clicks away)

computer: (shows an error like 'Printer out of paper' or 'Cannot find the CD, Please insert (program) CD and try again')

me: (inserts paper, CD or whatever the message tells me to do, and things start working)

*sigh*

Why me?

Guy rings me on the help desk today & says he needs to change his dialin number to our ISP..

"Ok", I says..you in front of your PC..?"

"No", he says.."I thought you could do that from there.."

I aint joking...

I worked for AOL several years ago. One time in, I beleive in 1998, I was taking calls when I get a call about a guy who just received a AOL Disk in the mail. So I figured, okay, he needed help to install it, but oh no, it was far worse.

He said he put his disk in the long plastic door that opens up and it is stuck, after I asked serveral quesions, I finally found out that it was his VCR as he mention he puts tapes in it to watch moves on his TV

I placed him on hold and blurted out laughing. After calming to my senses, I cleared my through and got back on the phone with him, and in the most sworries voice I said, I'm sorry, it seems there is something wrong with the VCR, you have to take it in to a VCR repair shop to fix it.

He said, "It's that bad huh", and I replied "I'm afraid so, thanks for calling" -click-

All the computers at my office are PCs. This morning, my boss came up to me and said, "Someone's sending me an important e-mail, but he has a Mac. Can he still send it to me?"

Any jokes about the functionality of Macs aside ...

To all of us who were ever let down by something that wasn't as good as it was made out to be (e.g. Windows 95, ME, 2000,... okay, Windows in general), I offer this amusing joke. Or is it a joke... :-P

A man dies and is standing before God at judgement day. God says to him, "You have done well, my son. You may enter." Just then, Satan appears and shouts "Wait! You haven't seen what we have to offer! Come look!" The man asks God if that's ok. God says, "I warn you, whatever decision you make will be final."

So the man goes with Satan to Hell. Everyone is having a great time, partying, laughing, playing games. It's sunny and warm, with a pleasant cool breeze and beautiful landscape. The man recalls how he didn't remember any of that from his brief glimpses of heaven, and says, "Well, you've convinced me. I guess I'll take your way." Satan smiles and says, "Done!"

With a snap of Satan's fingers, the man is instantly transported into a burning, horrible place of pain and torture beyond all imagination, where millions of people are chained to the wall, screaming. When he asks the man next to him what in hell (pun intended)is going on, the man turns to him with sorrowful eyes and says, "So, you saw the demo version too, huh?"

THE CRICKET FILES

Compiled by Rebecca Baugh

The following passages detail my quest for an answer to a problem I experienced with my computer in January, 2002.

Message I sent to Microsoft Windows XP Help and Support Newsgroup:

Subject: Is there a cricket in my system? What is this noise?

Yesterday, a sound like a cricket or frog chirping started coming over the

speakers out of my system. It lasts 3-7 seconds, and repeats at random

intervals, usually between 5 or 10 minutes apart. Sometimes it takes a

break for a half an hour. What is it? Where did it come from? What does

it mean? How do I get rid of it? It's driving me crazy!!! Have others had

this experience? Any information, insights, or suggestions would be greatly

appreciated. Help!

I've got an hp pavilion 750n; Windows XP; Norton Internet Security.

Recently added software: "Password Keychain" and "Aversoft Sticker", but

not sure that has anything to do with it.

Thank you,

Rebecca

________________________________________________________________________

Response #1 - From: CW

have you checked for viruses. ?

What services are running in task manager ?

________________________________________________________________________

Response #2 - From: Jason

The only thing I can think of is it may be a key stuck on your

keyboard. I knew someone who had that problem during startup because

they had a key stuck. You may not see it because it may be the "stuff"

under the keys (I can't think of the term)

Jason

________________________________________________________________________

Response #3 - From: Steven

Have you got a mobile phone anywhere near your computer?

________________________________________________________________________

Response #4 - From: Mark (This was the response that solved my problem)

Have you installed "WeatherBug" software? It has an alert for weather

alerts that are posted for your area that sounds just like a cricket. You

will also notice the temperature listed on the task bar will be flashing.

________________________________________________________________________

Response #5 - From Walt C. (This is a gem. This guy really became inspired at my plight!)

Rebecca,

Hello, and I'm glad I happened to catch your post this evening.

I just checked the calendar and it is indeed the mating season for

crickfrogs, found primarily in the Southeastern US (sightings of them have

been made as far away as Poland, however.) According to Eggbert's Animal

Watch ( a world-renowned authority on the crickfrog and many other species

of DNA-adjusted animals left over from WWII experiments with various

insecticides, such as DDT) a can of Raid should suffice in ridding you of

these pests. These creatures, half-reptile, half-bug, are stangely drawn to

the magnetic resonance housings of speaker enclosures. No one is exactly

sure why this happens and there are various theories but it is generally

agreed upon that it has something to do with the creature's mating habits.

Best advice: have that can of Raid ready and the next "chirp" or "ribbet"

you hear coming from one of your speakers--saturate the housing with a good

dosing of Raid. This should destroy both pest and the eggs (called

"egglets".) Being spawned from WWII black-ops laboratories from

DDT-saturated rhinoceros DNA, the crickfrogs seem immune to all insecticides

except Raid (make sure you get the can of Raid with the orange top.)

I don't want to alarm you, but you did mention something about "going crazy"

and I couldn't sleep tonight if I didn't mention this. The crickfrog has

the capability to burrow into the human brain and wreak untold havoc--the

animals usually slither into the cranium either through the ears, nose, or

mouth. So if your feelings of "craziness" continue I'd recommend you trot

down to the nearest Emergency Room and demand an immediate MRI scan. It

won't hurt to mention your knowledge of the crickfrog and might even earn

you high marks with the emergency-room staff, especially physicians who are

apprised of the current crickfrog situation. If you scan clean of these

pests, or your feelings of craziness dissipate over the coming days, I'd

advise you to purchase ordinary painter's masks to place over your nose,

ears, and mouth while sitting at your personal computer from now on. The

crickfrog has never been known to penetrate these devices successfully. The

good news here is that early detection and treatment usually always ends up

with a complete cure which is accomplished normally by swathing the entire

head heavily with RID (TM) or some other RID-like compound for seven days.

No, the crickfrog generally always is ambivalent towards personal computers

of any sort, and there's really no software that might help in this

situation.

Good luck!

________________________________________________________________________

Personal e-mail sent from: Jon (Jon saw my tech support question and had a crick frog in his system too)

Rebecca,

I have the exact same problem as you. I don't know what to do about it.

It is extremely annoying and loud. If you figure out how to fix it, please

please please tell me how to fix it. I am in pain from the noise of my

computer.

email me at **************** or I don't think I will get it.

thanks,

jon

________________________________________________________________________

Footnote: I sent Jon the reply that resolved my problem. But I also sent him Walt’s solution!

A little background:

I work at a small office, and for *political reasons* this guy is still in the same position. One of his duties is that of system administrator.

The story:

As with all companies, our mail server virus software regulary reports that viruses keep failing to make it into out network. (Well, duh, that is the point of the software.) Well, instead of letting the virus software do its job, we have to endure this, about one every week or two:

He orders EVERYONE to shut down mail. He says is going to turn off THE VIRUS PROTECTION, AND LET THE VIRUSES IN!!!!!!!

We usual are w/o email for at least 4 hours

ok. I own a pc repair company. But alas, in my extensive knowledge I, myself am always learning and sometimes I like to check before I do things. Go figure.

So when we recently started reselling web hosting space, and relocated our webspace on those servers I was very excited to have our very own SMTP mail server.

So after all was said and done, I was configuring my many email accounts on my email client to check this new email as well. I went about it the normal way I do and come up with a cannot connect to server.

So I think about it for a while and thought I had all my settings correct and still couldn't get it to connect.

Ah, so I decide to call our then ISP tech support right... thinking that they might close SMTP port 25 to unknown servers. Which is not a problem...I'll just call them...have them check and turn it on.....right? Here is how it went:

Them: Thank you for calling **** how can I help you?

Me: Yes hello, I'm using Outlook Express to configure multiple email accounts from different servers. I am having trouble with setting up my SMTP mail server account and in the process of troubleshooting I am wondering if you screen or lock down port 25.

Them: Ummm... where are you calling from?

Me: ***, WI

Them: Are you on **** (insert second party host)

Me: Yes... but that shouldn't make a difference I just want to know if you monitor or close that port for unauthorized mail servers?

Them: Ok what do you see on your screen?

Me: (sigh) I see Outlook Express open and a window that says cannot connect to blah blah server....on and on.

Them: Ok... I want you to close outlook express and open it again... do you have two telephone lines?

Me: Right. Yes I have two telephone lines and I am not asking you to troubleshoot this for me I just want to know if your company in any way screens port 25 for virus and spam... that's all... if not then I will take it from there.

Them: Port 25?

Me: Yes Port 25 on your email servers. Do you block unknown servers for security?

Them: Security? What exactly are you talking about?

Me: Can I speak with your supervisor please?

Them: Ma'am I am sure I can help you but I seem not to understand the problem.

Me: Yeah I realize that. Do you have a supervisor on duty?

Them: Yes but...

Me: (interrupts) ok... please just ask them if there are any security protocols that would prohibit any email server from going through you to me.

Them: uh... do you think you have a email virus?

Me: What? No. Look.... I'm setting up additional emails in Outlook Express... are you with me so far?

Them: Yes, but we do not do tech support for additional emails that aren't from us.

Me: Ok...I set up my email server but am getting no response from server via outlook which goes through your service. I have checked and rechecked my server user name and pass and it's correct and I can access it via web.. just not outlook express.... the last thing I can think of right now is that since all the worms that have made it through your system to all of us using your service is that your sys admin got wise finally and is monitoring SMTP port 25 for unusual activity and this might qualify. I just want to know if you are doing that or not that is all.

Them: Oh. What is SMTP? Do you think you have a virus?

Me: (sigh) please let me talk to your supervisor.

Them: He just went on break.

Me: Is your sys admin on break?

Them: No.

Me: Forward me to them please.

Them: But...

Me: (Interrupts)... no... forward me to them or I will drive down there and see him in person.

Them: Fine! *click*Click*

Sys: Hello... I understand you have an email problem?

Me: Not exactly... can you tell me if you have security protocols on SMTP port 25 please?

Sys: No we do not ma'am.

Me: Thank you... that is all I wanted to know for the last 15 minutes.

Sys: No problem.

End of convo.

and what was it? I had an incorrect server setting. But yanno this was one of the things I thought of before I realized my actual problem. It still bothers me that they are internet troubleshooters and don't know what an SMTP mail server port is. Well at least we don't use them anymore that's all I can say.

How many times have you heard this?

Oh, you do computers? My son/daughter/uncle/nephew/neice/whatever is a computer wiz.

Me: ****** how can I help you?

Caller: I have a problem with my computer, can you help me?

Me: I'll give it a try what is happening?

Caller: Nothing.

Me: Does it turn on?

Caller: No.

(I love it when you have to drag it out of them)

Me: Ok...have you been having problems with it lately?

Caller: No, it worked perfectly.

Me: Alright, did you do anything right before this happened?

Caller: No.

Me: You didn't install or uninstall or delete anything?

Caller: No.

Me: Did you happen to get a power surge through the telephone or electical line?

Caller: No.

Me: And when you press the power button are there any lights that come on on the tower or keyboard or does it make any beeping noises?

Caller: No. Nothing.

Me: Are you sure nothing happened right before this?

Caller: (getting impatient) NO. I didn't do anything.

Me: Has anyone else used your computer?

Caller: Yes. My son, but he didn't do anything, he knows more than I do about this thing.

Me: Right. You might as well bring your computer in for us to look at ma'am. You or your son might not have done anything, but this is something we most likely should look at instead of trying to do it over the telephone.

Caller: O! Is it THAT serious????

Me: Well ma'am... if nothing happened and there is power going to it and it won't turn on, either your son did something to it or there may a hardware failure, or you may need to keep your son away from your computer.

Caller: Well it wasn't my son's fault, he knows everything about computers.

Me: Well ma'am you have two choices... bring it in to have it looked at or have him fix it and bring it in to look at.

Caller: ok. *click*

Note: Two days later lady shows up with son... son looking rather sheepish... he tried to flash the bios..unsuccessfully I may add.

ack.

I have an independant pc repair company (not an ISP). And we try like mad to get our customers the best deals but sometimes things like the following are inevitable:

Caller: Something is wrong with my modem.

Me: Ok... what is happening?

Caller: When I try to get on the internet it says failed to connect to server.

Me: Ah...you will need to call your ISP support for that.

Caller: I did and they told me it was the modem.

Me: (a little puzzled but with it) Alright, did they take you through your internet connection set up, verify your username and password, the dialup number and everything?

Caller: Yes. They said there is something wrong with my modem.

Me: Ok did they have you try anything with your modem besides connecting to the net?

Caller: Yes but I don't know what.

Me: (Takes user through the steps to device manager and check the modem properties and settings and run the diagnostics... everything checks out fine) Ask her if it dials up, if there is a dial tone.

Caller: Yes... it dials the number, makes funny sounds and then says cannot connect to server.

Me: I hate to tell you this ma'am but your modem is fine, you'll have to contact your isp.

Caller: But they took me through everything and told me my modem was bad and to call you.

Me: Well I don't know what to tell you, your modem is fine, the error lies in your internet connection settings or somewhere on their end.

Caller: Well... can you fix it?

Me: Yes if you brought it in we could do it, but you get free tech support from your isp and if you come here we will have to at least charge you a bench charge of $25.00.

Caller: So if I bring it in you will fix my modem for $25.00?

Me: (supressing a sigh) If you bring it in we will look at it for $25.00. But it is not your modem. You should really call your ISP for free.

Caller: I'm bringing it over..

Me: Ok ma'am.... I'll make sure to reserve a time for you.

So she shows up and being nice and frankly wanting to be rid of her I decide to look at it while she waits.

Sure enough...nothing is wrong with your modem.

I say to her... ma'am it is just what I suspected on the telephone. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your modem...I've done all the tests I can. The error lies either with your connection settings or on your ISP's end. You should really call them and have them help you. And that will be $25.00.

Her: You mean to tell me I drove all the way down here for you to tell me the same thing that you did on the telephone and you are charging me $25.00 for it?

Yes. I told you over the telephone nothing was wrong with it and if you brought it in it would be $25.00 just to look at it...that is why I told you you should contact your ISP.

Her: Give me back my computer! This is outrageous! I am NOT paying for that.

I'm sorry ma'am... (points to huge sign) no work leaves this shop without being paid for.

Her: You mean you are going to hold my computer hostage until I pay you?

Yes that is pretty much the deal. We get paid for our time here.

Her: I DEMAND you hand over my computer IMMEDIATELY or I am going to call the police, report you to the better business bureau and sue you!

Alright. Here is my telephone, the sheriff's number is 715 xxx-xxxx, here is a phone book to pick out an attorney and you will have to look up the number for the better business bureau.

(ok this is a little overboard... I should have just given up and let her strut off with her comp in tow but I couldn't help myself... I've been stiffed and abused too many times and she just got on my bad side that day)

Boy was she pissed. I thought she might cry.

So she says: Well fine. If you are going to charge me anyways, can you get my computer so it will get online?

I say sure, but that will exceed the 25.00 you have already incurred.

Grumpily she says fine...whatever I am tired of this just get it to work.

Ok I say... and with her standing right there I call her isp. Tell them I am having trouble connecting and want to go through my connection settings... one minute later...viola! dials up and connects.

Hand her a bill for $45.00.

She says: What is all this?

It is the 25.00 min. bench fee and 20.00 min fee for internet troubleshooting.

Her: BUT ALL YOU DID WAS CALL MY ISP!!! I COULD HAVE DONE THAT!

Exactly and that is what I have been telling you all along.

Her: Well I don't see how I should have to pay that... you called them for free.

Yes. I did call them for free...same as you could have. The difference is... you get their time and support for free when you sign up with them. You don't get my time for free. I told you that before all of this happened. Now, if you would like to refuse payment that is fine, we will be holding the computer until payment is made in full and as per our blatantly posted policies, if we do not receive satisfaction or otherwise reasonable arrangements to have your bill payed within 90 days I will sell it for $45.00 to satisfy your bill.

needless to say she payed her bill, however surprisingly she has called back numerous times and has since then followed our advice before bringing it in thus saving herself what could have been several hundred dollars.

Trying yet again to keep it short..and will probably fail miserably.

Phone rings.

Me: ***** how can I help you? (pause on phone line) Hello?

Caller seeminly confused: Ummm yes is this ***** ?

Me: Yes it is.

Caller: Do you fix computers?

Me: Yes.

Caller: Do you fix pc's?

Me: Yes.

Caller: Do you sell computer parts?

Me (thinking this dialouge may go on forever): Yes we certainly do, can I help you with something?

Caller: You do web stuff too right?

Me (thinking yes this will go on forever): Yes we do is there something I can do for you?

Caller: I have a blah blah computer and am having trouble formatting the hard drive can I talk to a technician?

Me: Yes sir, I am a technician. Can you tell me what kind of computer you have, the size and type of hdd and what exactly you have tried and problems you are having?

Caller: Yes. It won't format the drive.

Me (getting a little peeved): I understand that... are you using commands in DOS to format it or are you trying to use some other software to do it?

(long pause).... sir?

Caller: Yes. Ummm.... hold on a sec.. I have a friend coming over to help...he's here now I'll call again if I have a problem again.

Me: Ok... thanks fo..*click*

Odd eh? There is more:

Me: Hello blah blah

(long pause) hello?

Caller: Yes I am having trouble formatting my hard drive and I would like to speak to a technician.

(I'm thinking hee hee ok you again)

Me: Of course, I am a tech... can you tell me what you have tried so far?

Caller: Yes I tried to fdisk and it won't work so I am trying to format.

Me: Ok...when you say fdisk won't work do you mean that it won't run at all or that when you get into the program and make your choices that it does nothing or gives you errors?

(long pause)... hello?

Caller: Ummm yeah hold on *click*

WTF!?!?! dude hung up on me... whatever I say... seriously... two minutes later he calls AGAIN!!!

AGAIN I ANSWER... AGAIN I GET A PAUSE ... AGAIN same "I'm having trouble formatting" line.

Me: Sir, obviously you are having serious problems and we might be having a communication error would you like to bring your comp in or have a service call?

Caller: No... you are a technician?

Me: Yes I am a technician. (pause again... this guy is really getting on my nerves)

Caller: Can I talk to a man?

Me: Excuse me?

Caller: Well... you are the only one that seems to answer the telephone there and I want to talk to a man technician.

So I'm extremely pissed off right now and say fine just a sec and hand the telephone behind me to a man technician.

ManTech: Hello?

Caller: I'm having a problem formatting my hard drive.

ManTech: Sorry dude... you're going to have to talk to her... I know nothing about formating...I don't mess with that, she's the one that handles that department.

Caller: *click*

Bad I know... a week later he sheepishly came in to the shop and I fixed him up and sent him on his way.

I work for a ISP doing tech support a lady called up and could not connect it said there was no dial tone i checked all her physical setup and it sounded ok, i got her to reboot and try agian, then she started saying something about her cat and chewing though a cable, it was her phone cable, the way she filed it was she tied it in a knot and taped it up, no wonder she couldnt connect.......

I work phone tech support for a high speed internet ISP (which shall remain safely anonymous) and while we do get some pretty stupid callers, this one takes the cake.

My co-worker in the cubicle next to mine got a call from this one woman who said she needed some help getting her cable modem setup on her new computer. He goes through the routine questions ("What version of Windows, what type of modem, etc) but got some pretty vague answers from the caller. After a few more minutes of asking the woman questions she finally asks "Would it help if I took the computer out of the box?"

Just had a call from a woman who was driving down the road, it sounded as though she was driving very fast. I could hear the tires squealing, heard her shifting gears, and the radio blaring.

She wanted me to explain to her how to reload the O/S on her laptop while she was driving down the road.

Needlessly to say, after many times to convince her to at least pull over to the side of the road, she finally told me she would just call back later because her cell phone was starting to fade out.

We are tech support for a proprietary software. A customer of ours called in and was receiving errors in our program but was having a hard time communicating such errors to the tech she was talking to. Politely the tech asked her if she could take screen shots and email them in to him so he would then be able to determine the actual errors and address such. A few moments later that tech receives the email from the customer. She got the error on the screen, then pulled out her digital camera and took pictures of her monitor and emailed in the jpegs.

Uh...that isn't exactly the kind of screen shots we were looking for.

I was the system manager for the CS dept. computer at a small private university in Dallas. It was about a week before classes started in the Fall when I was approached by a preppy business major who was trying to log onto the

computer. He had apparantly approached his prof. in order to get a head start in the intro computer class. He had a printed sheet with instructions on how to log in, create a small program in BASIC and get a print-out. There were about 20 steps in all. As I approached his terminal I noticed that there was a repeating pattern of text going off the top of the screen:

Please say Hello.

Bye

) Hellow

Please say Hello.

Bye

) Hellow

Please say Hello.

Bye

) Hellow

...

The computer was running DEC RSTS and required the user to type "hello" before it would ask for his name and password.

I was barely able to keep from bursting when I saw this, but I also knew that you could shorten this to "Hi", so I told the business major to just type "Hi". This is what he typed:

) Hye

At this point I did an about face, walked back to my office and closed the door. No way I wanted this guy on my computer!

Ok, first of all, our helpdesk is for AT&T internal employees, handling issues like network connectivity, password resets, application troubles, etc. Below is the ticket log from a call I just had, keep in mind this call cost somebody somewhere around $25.00, with that said, I will let it speak for itself:

-------------------------------- Ticket Log -----------------------------------

02/15 18:46 JWEILER XHD-XDESKTOP transferred to XHD-XDESKTOP: FIXED 02/15

18:46

02/15 18:46 JWEILER XHD-XDESKTOP: Ack Date: 02/15 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Cause Code: INF

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Class Code: INF

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Ticket Description: W98/W98/Solitaire

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Escalate: N

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Major Outage: N

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Next Callback: NSR

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Org Code: 1F7HK3000

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Severity Code: 5

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Status: CLS

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Incident Start: 02/15 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Incident Id: 02/15 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Ticket Open: 02/15 18:53

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Incident Repaired: 02/15 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Customer Confirmed: 02/15 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Estimate to Restore: 02/17 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Incident Closed: 02/15 18:46

02/15 18:53 JWEILER Type: IF

----------------------------------- Notes --------------------------------------

02/15 18:53 JWEILER NOTES:

ENTITLEMENT: Infoworker - Full Service

W98/VO/W98/Solitaire

Client is unable to play solitaire

informed her we do not support solitaire.

----------------------------------- End --------------------------------------

This in all actuallity is not about "computers", but I found it funny and unbelievable nonetheless. A co-worker was having trouble with her electronic typewriter. It would strike an extra letter out randomly, maybe 5 times during a workday. The typewriter repairman came and could find nothing wrong at the time, but he had suggested she should have it plugged into a surge protector. He theorized that a surge could be causing the problem. So when I come back from lunch she's complaining that the surge protector was no good. I asked if the light worked on the surge switch, then she picked up the surge protector up (and I swear to God this is true!) she had the surge protector plugged into itself just sitting on the floor under her typewriter.

Not quite a computer tale - although not too far off.

We have a customer who has three or four cases being worked the last few months. She has a cell phone for the home number - and turns it OFF - no voice mail. The work number is busy except during lunch - when the receptionist will take a message but won't put the woman on the phone because "she is in the lunchroom". She won't go to the post office for registered mail. She will open and read e-mail - but "doesn't have regular access to a computer".

We have been trying to get her to PHONE in for three months so that we can resolve issues in her files - but she won't phone. She will only e-mail. She is semi-illiterate and her messages ramble across three files, do not tell us what her complaint is, and she apparently does not understand "please phone so that we can talke to you", either.

The only person who HAS talked to her said that it was like pulling teeth to get her to stick to the subject and make sense. She wants to complain about our service - but does not understand that she did not purchase the service that she is trying to get.....or is trying to get us to do repairs and then bill the company that should be doing them for her (not gonna happen).

Hope you do publish this story although I'm not a technician but a 'user' as you call it....

After being kicked out of the SAP program (Sandlaufer Anschau Program) for the 5 time in half an hour I called the v*tis helpdesk and asked if they were having trouble with the servers or the network... The technician that took my call had not heard of any problems so worked his way through the routine 'what workstation, what local server etc'. After a moment of silence he advised me to reboot my machine because it was logged on for more than 12 days and being logged on that long could course a bad network connection ....... I didn't ask the guy if he unplugged his lamps at home every week to prevent them from flickering, but just smiled, hang up the phone and started on another project I didn't need SAP for.....

An angry lady called me one day and couldn't get online. Once we got her connection working, I had her open up Internet Explorer and a porn site came up. Her husband had set the homepage to this site. Windows kept popping up with images that looked error messages that said "To delete all pornography, click here" She kept clicking the button and more pages came up. Finally we got the window to shut and went to internet options to change the home page. Once we got it back up she told me, "He is in the doghouse! Now I know why he spends so much time on this stupid thing!" The worst part was she had two small children running around in the background while this was happening. I feel bad for him!

Here's another story, this time about my math teacher.

My math teacher (who I'll call doinkies) has a computer in her classroom and knows basically how to use one. But when my class went into the computer lab to look up some information on the Internet, doinkies saw that the desktops on the computers (all using Windows 2000 Professional) were lighter.

doinkies asked how you could possibly view "Internet pages" on the desktops. I said you don't use the desktop to view websites, you use a browser like IE or Netscape.

She soon corrected it, but she still referred to IE as "the Internet" as if IE was an ISP or the entire Internet.

I just love (L)users who can’t –or won’t follow basic instructions; and the ones who are of the belief that they are technical wizards; And the ones who are arrogant and rude ;-). But what about ones who embody all those traits? Here’s my story:

My friend and I have opened a small computer and network support company. We decided to test-market some advertising so that we could see what sort of results we would get. The paper we advertised in was a community newspaper, so we were bound to get residential customers. For those few among the readers who haven’t done support for residential customers, you should know they are fussy, demanding, and fickle. Thus:

Me (TS): Good afternoon, C-------- Network Support, John speaking, How may I help you?

CU: Hi, I think I have s a problem with my computer, it’s acts real funny and it feels like someone else is running it.

(I’ll cut this part of the conversation short, since the customer was simply describing his problems with his PC. My diagnosis is that since he is on broadband cable Internet, and has no firewall, someone actually hacked into his computer and is manipulating his system just for kicks. We arrange an appointment for me to come over and look at the system. He reinstalled his e-machines recovery disc, and then [apparently] installed Win ME. This blew out his network settings, so he needed me to restore his connection with his ISP).

CU: So what do I need to have ready for you?

Me: I need you to have all the software for your computer, and a box of floppies.

CU: Do I need to have the Shaw disc?

(I should explain that one of the two biggest providers of high-speed Internet in Vancouver [Canada] is Shaw Cablesystems, and they provide a promotional CD-ROM advertising the benefits of high-speed Internet. They also provide NIC driver discs for the NICs they install).

Me: Ummmm, no, why would you need the Shaw promotional marketing disc?

CU: That’s what the people at Shaw told me!

Me, thinking: [Typical customer service twerps –strong on marketing, low on computer IQ].

Me: Well, I don’t think you need the Shaw promo disc, but please make sure you have all the drivers discs and other software that came with your computer, as well as any other software you may need.

CU: Okay.

Day arrives, I come over, go into customer’s apartment, fire up his e-monster. The Computer boots up under Win98, and then amazingly, flashes Windows ME. I have no idea how he did it, but he managed to get both Win98 AND Win ME running in the same partition at the same time! I start to make a boot disk, when the customer says:

CU: Oh. I’ve already made one of those. I told you on the phone.

Me: Well, uhh, actually you didn’t. And anyway, I don’t know how this startup disk will perform, whether it will boot up as Win98 or Win ME.

CU (annoyedly): Are you saying that I didn’t do the re-installation of the recovery disks properly?

Me: Well, it doesn’t appear to be a proper re-install, since it IS running both Win98 and WinME.

CU (smugly): Well I know that I did a very good job of it. There were no problems.

Me, thinking: [Idiot! If you did it properly, why is it running two versions of Windows in some Frankensteinian mishmash?]

Me: Unfortunately, you are running two operating systems at the same time, and that’s not good. We should do as I originally suggested, and format and reinstall.

CU: Well, I don’t think there were any problems, so I’m not going to do a format and a reinstallation on my computer. There’s nothing wrong with it.

Me [exasperated]: Well, fine, we’ll just try to get your Internet connection re-installed. Where’s your software?

CU: Right here.

I attempt to configure his TCP/IP, and find that he doesn’t even have a NIC listed in his Network Neighbourhood Properties. I go through the software discs looking for the NIC drivers, and can’t find a bloomin’ thing.

Me: Where is your disc for the NIC drivers?

CU: You told me not to get that!

Me: I told you not to get the Shaw promo disc.

CU: That’s the one the Shaw people told me to get.

Me: But why would you need their promo disc?

CU: I don’t know, but I was all prepared to go all the way to Burnaby to pick up the Shaw disc, and YOU told me not to get it.

Me: Actually, I told you to get all of the software for your computer.

CU: But you told me I didn’t need to get the discs from Shaw. Now I have to go back and get them?

Me: Well, you see, I can’t really restore your network settings unless I have the disc that has the network interface card software.

CU: But I restored my operating system!

Me, thinking; [WTF????? Of what relevance is that?]

Me: That’s great, sir, but I do need the disc with the drivers on it.

CU: Well! If you had told me that all you were going to do was to reinstall the drivers I could have done that!

Me: But I was going to configure the NIC and your TCP/IP settings as well, then download a software firewall for use until I can get you a router.

CU: But I could have done that simply by calling SHAW!

Me, thinking: [Idiot! If you could have done all this, WTF did you call me for?]

CU: I don’t think this is going to work out. I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave. You told me I didn’t need the Shaw disc, and now I’m going to have to get someone else to solve my problem for me. I’ll give you gas money but I’m not paying for your time. [CU literally FLINGS a $10 bill at me]

Me: Well, you still owe me for the time.

CU: No, I don’t because you told me the wrong information, and you did stuff that I could have done just as easily.

Me: Well, I’m not going to argue with you, but if you’d give me a chance to get the software, I live really close to Shaw head office, I could….

CU: But you told me I didn’t need that Shaw disc.

Suddenly it dawns on me what Shaw disc he was referring to, and failed to get. It wasn’t the promo disc. He meant and failed to get the NIC drivers disc!

Me: Well, Look, if I can just…

CU: Look, this isn’t going to work out. I need to get someone competent to look at my system.

Me; thinking: [@#@%$^%$$$$$^%$&%^*&)(&_(*&*)(&(*&(&*^*&^*&^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COMPENTENT????? LOOK WHO’S TALKING!!!!!]

CU: Thanks for whatever you did. Bye now. [Shuts the door in my face].

Moral to end-users: (1) BE CLEAR! (2) When the technician says “all”, that means ALL! Not some, not most, ALL!!!!!!! the software! What part of “all” don’t you understand????????????

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!

That customer, in NINE YEARS of doing tech support, was the rudest, most incompetent, arrogant a—hole I ever met! But I take comfort in this. If that was our first customer, and he was that bad, it’s highly unlikely they’d get any worse. Ya think?

Well, here's one I haven't heard before, and it's a long'un. I'm currently "between jobs," and as such to keep my checking account over the "minimal monthly fee" level I've been doing odd jobs here and there for friends and family, mostly involving light computer/home-entertainment (plugging in VCRs/games, rearranging power cords, etc.) work. Well, the other day I go to the house of a business associate of a friend of my mother's.... Yeah. This guy is a Good Ol' Boy: things is his way, or they's jus' WRONG. I think this is a good time to point out my mother's friend is gay, and I'm "vaguely bisexual," as my friend put it, in that I'm attracted mainly to women but don't mind if there's a man involved. This better tip off at least half of you reading this to the ending....

So anyway, I head over to the guy's house to take a look at (IIRC) his "faulty scanner." Bad enough I have to find some way to explain to the nitwit that plugging the scanner into the wall and plugging it into the computer doesn't do any good unless you actually install the scanner software like I asked him to check on the phone, but I have to spend the next 15 minutes installing and setting it up on his clogged up system ("Don't get rid of any of those programs, I need them!" You NEED AOL, RealPlayer, WinAmp, AIM, ICQ, and at least five other start-up icons on top of an archaic anti-virus taking up resources?) while listening to him come up with heretofore unheard combinations of sexuality slanders and gross profanity, all in relation to my mother's friend.

I finally get the stupid thing set up properly and do a test scan (less than 1/2 the speed as mine, even tho we have virtually identical setups) and say all's set. He doesn't need anything else, so he asks me what it'll cost. Now normally, depending on who I'm working for and what I'm doing, I charge anywhere from 10 to 20 bucks an hour. My payment from him? I really coulda used the $25, but settled for the delightful expression of a completely fused nervous system as I lay a big, wet kiss straight on his lips and give him a squeeze on the bum as I'm walking out. For some reason, when Mom talked with her friend, the only report he received from the guy was that I was a "good, fast worker" before he changed the subject....

To Heather, submitter of the "Finish the internet??" story in the January edition. There IS a last page of the internet.... http://www.1112.net/lastpage.html

Attention:

You have reached the very last page of the Internet.

We hope you have enjoyed your browsing.

Now turn off your computer and go outside and play.

The Internet really DOES have everything, it appears....

I work at a large ISP that rhymes with dodgers. I have a friend Jeff that has done some stupid things in the past (see the window that cost 74K) but this one is almost as funny.

Jeff Gets addicted to Quake 3 Arena but never has time to play it at home due to his night classes. He decides to play it at work during lunch and slow days. Problem being that his comp at work is a pII 400 and a Trident vid card.

He takes the CPU MB and Vid card and ram from home and puts it in his work comp (asus a7v, AMD 1.4 ghz, Geforce 3).

For the next two weeks he's happy playing quake at work. He comes in on a monday and finds that the systems have been upgraded to PIII 800's and an ATI xpert card. The older systems have been sent to the sister office down town!

Thus Jeff is out a few hundred bucks. (because of his own stupidity)

I used to work tech support for a large game company in Redwood City California. One day a lady calls and complains that her foot pedal isn't working. (She was playing an excellent pc racing game, Need for $P33D.)

EU: Its not working, no matter what.

me: Do you play any other games with your foot pedal?

EU: No, but it works in Windows.

ME: huh? Ok, lets start up the game and see where we are.

EU: ok....game started. I'll set it on the floor now and see what happens.....

ME: One second maam. where was it before?

EU: On the desk,

ME: on the desk?????

EU: I have to use it to click on my icons.

ME: NO!!!!! Maam that is your mouse, not a foot pad. If you want to play with a foot pedal you will have to purchase one.

Beleive me, this was the best job I ever had but I had to share this little tidbit of funniness with you all. Happy techin!!!!!

ME

I work for one of the well-known manufacturers of anything from ink-jets to mass storage to servers. Recently I had this call from a customer using one of our high-end workstations:

(me) = yours truly

(eu) = end user

(me) SoAndSo Support, me speaking, how can I help?

(eu) My display's died.

(me) Could you tell me exactly how it died?

(eu) Well. I moved the box [meaning the system unit] from under my desk on top of the desk and now there's nothing on the display.

(me) Does the LCD display on the suystem unit show any error codes or are there any beeps when you powercycle the workstation?

(eu) Yeah, the LCD gives error code XXZZ and the box says dreedle dreedle beep beep beep.

(me) Just let me check the code... Right, it would indicate that you need to check the connections of the mouse and keyboard.

(eu) OK, hang on.... [sound of plugs being unplugged and replugged] I'll just reboot. is that OK?

(me) By all means...

(eu) [sound of normal beep sequence as workstation boots up] I don't believe this! I plugged the mouse into the keyboard connector and vice versa! Thanks a million!

(me) You're welcome.. it does happen to the best of us! Thanks for calling.

The customer's workstation had been built before colour-coding mouse and keyboard PS2-connectors became the norm.... Had fun with this one, though, in the coffe room!

While cruising the web checking sites and handling the early morning support calls at work, the rep for IBM called my Boss's answering machine in the next room. The part of the call that interested me most was:

"...we want to partner up with you to provide business initiatives in order to increase costs and reduce revenues..."

HUH!?!?!?!?

A couple years ago I was doing level 2 support at an advertising agency. People in advertising are loads of fun, but they're not famous for their technical savvy.

One day, this account director calls me into her office in a panic because when she starts her computer, all she gets is "Invalid disk... Replace Disk and Press Any Key..." - the one where you left a floppy disk in and the PC tries to boot from it. So, I explain to her that this is normal and all she has to do is pop out the floppy and tap her spacebar once.

I leave her assuming the lesson is learned and next time this happens, she'll know what to do.

Next morning, calls me again but she's slightly more upset this time and says she needs a new PC. I explain again that all PCs do this, the reason they do this (her eyes glaze over), and reiterate the ejecting-the-floppy-hitting-any-key "fix".

Anyway, this happens every day for about a week and a half (you'd think I'd learn). Every night she leaves the floppy in the drive, so every morning when she boots up she gets this error and can't figure out how to get past it. Her demands for a new computer get increasingly pointed despite my repeatedly explaining that all PCs do the same thing, no matter how new and spiffy they are.

She wasn't having it, and she was a director and I a lowly desktop support tech...

I finally went into her BIOS and changed her boot priority to start from the hard drive first.

This conversation took place during a recent conversation. The family was crowded around the computer looking at a home remodelers web site

Me(S)

Mom (M)

Dad (D, does not know much at all about computers)

M: Look at these examples (page loads thumbnails)

D: Why are they loading so slow? (56k modem)

S: Its not actually that slow!

D: You guys got a slow computer agian! (exits)

Later...

D: I don't know why you guys got that old boat anchor.

S: If you want faster internet, why don't you pay the $40/mo?

D: Is it the modem? Isn't it that big box under the desk?

S: (aaugh!) No, thats the tower! Thats everything in one. The modem is one of those cards in there.

D: Can't you crank it up a bit? Get a new modem

S: Its the fastest phone modem right now. Cable would be faster.

D: Can't you hack something and get cable?

S: AAUGH!!

I was working in the phone room for a medium-sized university. It had been a fairly slow morning, so I was actually slightly happy when my phone rang. Happy, that is, until I heard the voice on the other end of the line. It was an adult's voice, with an unmistakeable accent from one certain part of New York State (hint: this part of the state has a 2-word name, the first word rhymes with "wrong", and there is a kind of (alcoholic) iced tea drink named after this place)

Anyways, the person identifies themselves. "Hi, my name is ----, I'm the mother of Jennifer ----. May I please speak to Steve the Manager?" (Steve is not a manager, just a senior student consultant, the same rank that I carry)

Me: Steve's not working right now, may I help you?

Parent: Well, my daughter's internet connection has been down for a whole day, and she's very homesick, and I need to have someone go out to her room and fix it.

M: Alright, what seems to be the problem?

P: She can't get on AIM or send e-mail

M: That could be a problem. It would probably be easiest if she called us herself, so we can troubleshoot this.

P: Oh no, she can't do that, she's not very good at this sort of stuff. You need to help her out, she's very homesick. Can I talk to a manager?

I transferred her to my supervisor. When the supervisor got off the phone, I looked over to the supervisor and said "Did the mother want us to send someone over to tie her shoes too?" The supervisor just laughed.

(The student was in the 2nd semester of her freshman year, I would hope she would be beyond homesickness by now)

I work for a your average retailer/repair/etc. store. In January we decided to start a phone-support line. Well, everything was fine, business improved because they didn't have to come here with their heavy computers.

Then one day this bozo called in. (NOTE: Although the personal info has been changed, this actually happened)

Bozo: Good morning.

Me: (insert usual 'you have called blahblah') How may I help you?

Bozo: How do you format a 3 1/2 inch floppy?

So I went through the steps, waiting for him to do each one before moving on.

After a few minutes, Customer says: It's not working.

Me: Could you describe the problem?

Bozo: Its not working.

I go through trouble shooting, ask him what drive letter the floppy is, etc.

Everything seemed to be fine. So I asked him the condition of his computer again (the whole nine yards), start the formatting process again.

Bozo: Why doesn't it work? May I speak to a technician?

I assure him that I am a technician, then ask him to read the screen.

Everything is normal, except for the 'error' messages.

I switch over to my own MS-DOS, stick an unformatted disk in, and do the steps with him. I successfully format the disk. His computer is still not co-operating.

Me: What do you do with your computer?

Bozo: Mostly word-processing. They send me statistics and I write up trend reports. Birth rate up, birth rate down, that sort of thing.

ME: Where is your computer situated?

Bozo: On my desk, in my cubicle.

ME: Did you spill anything?

Bozo: No, I'm allergic to coffee.

ME: Please check your wires. (I lead him through a check of every wire in his cubicle)

Bozo: They're all connected. No offense, but are you aure you know what you are doing?

ME (In need of a 5-pound motrin and a suicide pill): Yes. Is your disk right side up? By that I mean is the metal circle facing down?

Bozo: Yes.

ME: Is your drive installed properly (for the third time)?

Bozo: Yes. Can you tell me how to check that anyway?

I tell him how to check.

Bozo: Yes.

ME: Is the disk inserted all the way? (You would not BELIEVE how many people mess that simple motion up)

Bozo: Yes.

ME: Was anything done to the disk? Wetting, shock, exposure to strong magnets?

Bozo: Well, I have a document stored on it.

My pen snaps.

ME: Has this disk been formatted before?

Bozo: That was almost a year ago.

Seriously. I can only pray for whoever is using those reports.

So today i got a call from a gentleman saying he cant reach the "new users page"

I asked him if he could get online ... and he said yes.

I replied that he didnt need to go to that page if he could get online. Becuase the only reason you would need to go to the new user page is if you hadnt transitioned to our new internet provider. I said, if you can get online now, then you have made a "sexual transition"....i didnt meant to...it just slipped out OOPS!!!

he starts laughing at me and everyone around me hears it so im just sitting here cracking up. I'm like...oops sir i meant to say succesful please disregard that comment.

sheesh.

Hey there everyone.

I used to work at a place called Convergys, doing tech support for HP Pavilion computers. (BTW, I totally sympathise with Bob --) spu82@edmcvgys for getting fired by those guys, same story for me) and ever since I left that place, I had surmised that I would not be doing any more tech support for HP, or for anyone else...however, my impressions were WRONG!

I got a sales job at a computer store, and everything was going all right. Less stress, no office politics ect.

Then it happened....a custoemr asked for technical help with their computer. They came in, looking to buy some RAM. I asked them why they thought they needed some RAM, and he said that his system was running slow, choppy graphice ect.

I asked him who made his computer, because some computers need specific types of RAM, he tells me it is an HP. From that moment on, I get sucked into a technical support flashback, telling him how to get his system up and running smoothly, and why he doesn't need RAM. He walks out a hundred buck saved in his pocket, and I end up the "HP guy", the one everyone in the store starts asking about technical issues with Pavilions and some other brands.

I don't mind so much that people are looking for technical help, it gives me a chance to excercise my technical muscles a bit, but to have the first technical issue to propel me down that path again to be an HP?!?!?!?!?

Oh well, it could be a lot worse, I could have ended up never using my tech skills and be like the millions of other "I.T" guys out there, who can't do anything, but claim to know "everything"

Later all.

I do tech support for sympatico dial and HSE. If I had a nickle for everytime I heard one of these statements or slight variations of, i'd never have to worry about monthly car payments ever again:

- but it worked yesterday..... (yeah so did my toilet, guess you don't need my help)

- "i need to be connected to get my email?"

- what do you mean 'do i get connected before opening netscape'?

- me: are you using dial up or HSE service?

them: yes!

*WTF????* -)no kidding, i get this ALL the time.

- me: i need you to shut down and turn the pwr off on the comp.

30 secs later.... them: okay it's going through the scan disk. *eep*

- I couldn't connect to the internet so I formatted my computer and now it won't turn on. (sorry, you screwed up)

- can you actually see my computer??? (yes i've hidden a camera over your left shoulder)

- me: what is the error you're receiving.

them: "can't connect:

me: yes, but when it tells you you can't connect it will tell you the reason.

them: nope! just says "can't connect"

me: does it say blah blah blah (common DUN errors)

them: nope! "can't connect"

me: sorry i need an error before i can help you. (go away)

- it's only 4+ years old...i paid $xxx for it! Why is it so slow???

-what's a browser?

I'm sure there are about a thousand more but those are the most common ones i can think of off the top of my head.

This email just came in from our IS Dept. I recon you all should take note:

"Attention All

Re: Occupation Number OR0000000000025

The Internet will shutting down at 5pm today for Maintenance.

Thank You

Nxxx Jxxxxx

Txxxxxl

Network Specialist"

(Our Internet link has been a bit dicey during the last few days)

This happened quite a few years ago, as evidenced by the reference to a 5.25" floppy disk....

I was at my desk one day, when my phone rang. By the call display, I could see it was a friend of mine. When I answered it with a hearty "Gidday, eh." ((--- it's a Canadian thing) all I could hear was laughter. He worked as a systems analyst/consultant and was doing some work for a government department. People around him soon realized he was a bit of a computer expert, so they would come to him for some of their issues.

Out of the blue that day, a woman a couple of floors removed from him called to say that she had heard that he may be able to help her. She told him that she was trying to put a 5.25" floppy diskette in her drive, but that it wouldn't go in. He ran through some of the usual problems (already a disk in there; trying to fit it in the 3.5" drive, etc.), when he suddenly had an insight and asked if the diskette was still in it's sleeve (meaning the little white paper envelope all 5.25" floppies came in). She very meekly and self-deprecatingly realized her error, and with a sheepish "Sorry to bother you", she thanked him and hung up.

Ten minutes later she calls back and tells him she finally got the diskette into the drive, but it made a funny noise, like crinkling, and now she feared that the drive was jammed. Another 10 minutes of trying to trouble-shoot over the phone, when something she said piqued his interest...when she told him she took the floppy from the sleeve, she didn't say "I TOOK the floppy out of the sleeve..." she actually said "I CUT the floppy out of the sleeve". The woman actually cut the thin, magnetic disk out of the plastic protective covering!

My friend had to hang up as he was busting a gut laughing...which is when he ended up calling me.

Tech support call..email not working...

Me : "Thank you for calling...all the usual intro stuff..."

User : "Yeah, hi, my email doesnt work, every time I try to download my messages, it locks up on me."

Me : "What does lock up on you, sir?"

User : "Um, outlook, I guess. I called my local tech support people and they tried it.They said I have to call you."

Me : "What version of outlook do you have sir?"

User : "Um.....::long pause::....30c I think..what do you mean version...oh, nevermind its 98"

Me : "oook,lets go ahead and check your settings" so I go through his mailservers and username and all...everything works out fine so I told him I will have to check his mailbox...

Me : "Sir, may have the pwd. to the account so I check the status?"

so he gives me his password and lo and behold, when I got in , he had 3320 messages waiting to be downloaded.I got back on the phone when and explained to him that I have to remove some of them.Then he will be able to use his email again.He got frustrated, cussed me out and hung up...Later on he called back and got one of my co-workers.He had to remove all of the messages.100 of them were jpg. :)