Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I work for an ISP doing phone in support and yes I agree that most people should be IT licenced for use. This is why:

Well I had to hang my head and not laught at this one.

CSA = Me L= User

CSA = Good evening and welcome to ^&^&&$%^& tech support

L = Hi Im using my friends internet connection and we're having som problems....

...At this point I take account details. I should have been warned that the customer was a bit slow when they kept giving their name....

CSA = So can you just tell me what lights happen to be on on your modem please?

L = Err Power Light

CSA = Right that shouldnt be. Are there any other cables connected to the modem?

L = No i disconnected it from the pc to come talk to you.

CSA = Right. Errr for me to trouble shoot that you'll need to plug it into the pc.

L = Really

CSA = Yes!

Thanks for letting me share this with you guys!

my first post and its a little long,please bear wit me--just got through helping a business owner of a carpet sales store that shares our building replace his 1-1/2 yr old dead hp-this business recently got t-1 for internet access for business use and made a deal with us that if we ran network lines and installed hardware,they would share the internet access (t-1 sure beats dial up speeds!)-anyway,while i was running cat 5 cabling thru offices and ceilings and installing jacks,i noticed that lighting in several offices in the sales store flickered occasionally.mentioned this to business owners and they saids they hadnt really noticed it before- (hmmm--)

connected all the cat 5 connections,installed router and patch cabling and by god everything worked the first time-not bad for someone who never did any networking stuff before-everything is fine for several months then the owner of the sales store asks for help with his hp running xp-it shuts down within 30 seconds of power up-go over and check-it is doing as he says-loads to desktop and powers off-he mentioned he installed some software several days before so i used xp's restore point system to return computer to a point before he installed this software and computer seems to be ok-for a couple of days-then goes bad again-this time i open the computer to check for loose cabling and maybe loose cpu-find capacitors on motherboard around cpu BLOWN UP!-i mean the tops have burst and are leaking corrosive yuk onto the motherboard-i am amazed the thing turns on at all-its out of warranty but motherboard gotta be cheaper than new computer so call hp-well,damn-motherboard is not available-seems they replace the whole computer if the board fails in warranty-owner decides to just replace the tower and finds a good deal at the local best buy-a compaq-we are in the process of transfering data from old harddrive and setting up his new unit when he steps out to attend to business-sitting staring at computer trying to think what else needs to be loaded when i notice the speakers next to the computer are intermittently going "blombp-humm" about every 20 seconds-cleck the power connections for the speakers-going to a ups under the desk-notice that the ups is clicking at same time speakers make noise and also lights in room flicker-Hmmmmm-check area and find a big old copy machine connected to same power circuit as computer/ups is-every time fuser heater in copy machine fires up-about 3 times a minute-it creates a brown out on the line causing the ups to momentarily switch-surges applied 3 times a minute for 1-1/2 yrs to the poor hp computer-no wonder it died! (ended up running an extension cord for the copy machine to run on a different circuit to prevent new computer from being "pulsed" to death) moral of the story-if the lights are doing strange things,check it out,you may save yourself problems(and money)in the future!

Back when I used to do phone support for HP, I got a lot of interesting calls. The most bizzare was one that came in late on a Friday night and went something like this:

Me: Good evening. Thank you for calling. How can I help you?

So, he starts speaking in this slow drawn-out voice, telling me about all the problems he's been having with his friends and how nobody likes him. Throughout the entire call he does this. Trying to get him back on track, I ask him:

Me: Are you having a problem with your printer?

Him: Yeah, it's not working anymore.

Okay, so first things first...

Me: Can you check to see if the printer cable is still plugged into both your computer and the printer.

Him: It's plugged into the printer.

Me: Follow the cord. Can you see where it's plugged into the computer.

Him: It's not plugged into the computer.

Easy fix, right?

Me: Look on the back of your computer. You should see a small square hole the right size for this plug to fit. (We're using a USB connection, of course.)

Him: I can't find any place to plug it in.

Me: Are you sure? Look again.

Him: I think my friends took it when they moved out. They took a lot of stuff and I think they opened up my computer and took out some stuff. What should I do?

Me: I would call the police.

Him: But they're my friends.

Me: They don't sound like very good friends to me.

I was loathe to end the call, as he didn't sound mentally stable and I was worried that he might do something rash, what with him having no friends and all. So, I tried to soothe him and finally got him to tell me he'd call the police and make some new friends.

If only I'd gone into counselling...

A few years ago I worked very briefly as a help desk operator and I tell ya they really ought to make a sitcom out of it. While I was training I sat with another operator, and during that time I got a call I'll never forget, because it showed me the degree of human idiocy when it comes to computer illiteracy. This was an actual (paraphrased) call we got at the hospital I used to work for.

Customer Support how may I help you?

Uh yeah, my computer s dead.

How so?

When I turn it on it doesn t turn on.

Did you check to make sure it s plugged in?

I can t, it s too dark to see.

Can you get a flashlight to see behind the computer?

No the office admins have them all right now.

Why is that?

The electricity is out.

The electricity is out?

Yeah it went out about 5 minutes ago when my computer died.

Sir, your computer didn t die, it lost power when the electricity went out. You are a victim of a stage 3 California rolling black out.

But my computer has a surge protector, it should still be on.

Sir, look around you, does it look like you re experiencing a power surge?

The electricity is out.

Point and case, if there had been a spike in the electricity your surge protector would have kept your computer going, but there wasn t a spike, the electricity went out. Your surge protector could not save it from that. What you re speaking of is a battery backup, which would give you enough time to shut the computer down on your own safely.

Can you install one for me so I can get back to work.

I can put an order in and a technician can be there sometime tomorrow to install it.

Why can't you just upload it to my computer?

Sir, a battery backup is a piece of hardware you plug into a power outlet, and in which you plug your computer into. It is not a piece of software. Even if it were a piece of software the power is out, and you computer is turned off so I couldn t upload it even then.

So how do I get my computer back on?

Vote Gray Davis out of office.

This happened to mea couple of days ago. I'm a tech support for my school. This story isn't anything new but it shows how computer illiterate people can be.

I live in an apartment block. Some guy from another apartment wanted our whole apartment block to be connected to the Internet with (shared) ADSL-connection. No problem I thought since it would be great to throw away my old 56k modem. I happened to meet this guy and I talked to him about the idea. I wasn't prepared to hear what the guy had to say.

He was offering the WHOLE appartment block a 256/256 -connection (which is quite crappy even to a single user not to mention a 6+ user network) or 512/512 -connection. Was it also shared? YES! (I assume he meant connection speed per user but all the time he was talking about the shared connection) He also told me that the 512/512 is the fastest connection ever (May 2004) made. I almost cracked. So what does the guy do with the fast connection?

HIM: "I want to surf, you know, the interweb to read Helsingin Sanomat (a Finnish newspaper)."

ME: "Okay, do you do anything else with it?"

HIM: "No." (AAARGH!)

I was stunned.

ME: "Are you absolutely sure you won't do anything else with the 512/512 -connection?"

HIM: "No. What else would I be doing in the interweb?"

What indeed! Seems like this guy didn't even need a fast connection.

It gets better. The guy insisted that the shared connection means that the "Interweb", as he called it, will be shared to each apartment and the connection will be made automatically and--you guessed it--everyone will get the 512/512 speed. As I tried to correct him that this is not the case he told me that I know nothing. This time I couldn't hold myself. I laughed in his face. He turned red and started yelling something about how rude and stupid I was and why must I mess up with his master scheme.

And this was the guy who stated in his letter that no one needs to be a helpdesk in the project. I understood this since it is very simple to establish the connection but he had something else in his mind. HE would be the assistant in cases envolving the "micro-processor compoota stuff". I just couldn't stop laughing and I walked away only to hear the man shout that he will take the matter forward.

Will these people never end?

was doing practicum with a small computer store after I finished for the year

they had me and another guy in there working for experience

(well i had to pay the school to do it but...)

now this kid is somewhat knowledgeable about computers

to give you an example of his level of learning

he had to have a step by step to partition the hard drive and install windows 98

(basic DOS was beyond him but it usually is for most non-techs who didn't grow up with it)

clueless but willing to learn (the most dangerous kind)

by about the third day i figured this guy was either not going to cut it or dumb as paint

then he did something that amazed me

we have these computers without cases that are the hardware test beds basically a mobo plus parts on a counter

they are used to virus scan and do testing

so one tech is running virus scan over one of a pair of hard drives, a customer's hard drives, you know someone paying money for us to fix his problems...

he walks over and plugs the second hard drive in

while the computer is still running

gasp in horror... jaw dropped in suprise

end result

partition table is fubared

tech spends most of two days to fix this

newbie tech gets the toe heel imprint

(how exactly do you fire someone who works for free?)

and this gets sent to the wonderful ppl at techtales

I was asked by a friend to help fix a problem at his work. Their IT Admin guy had recently been "requested to clear his desk" at short notice, and now nobody knew the passwords to any servers more especially the system managing all the Finance and Accounting information. None of their maintenance agreements were of any value, with the main system vendor only offering a "complete reinstall and restore from backup" as an extortionately high-cost chargeable site visit. So, I wandered in with him on a Saturday and confirmed he had little choice. As we drank some coffee in sullen silence one of his staff arrived, apologised for having to come in on a Saturday, but she had promised a colleague that she would take a system backup before leaving yesterday. This she had forgotten to do. Guilty conscience at breaking her promise to her friend forced her to "pop-by" and rectify her mistake. She took an A4 paper from her friend's pin-board and headed for the server room. Sure enough, along with the instructions for taking a back-up were the PIN access code for the server room door lock and the root account password! The same password unlocked all servers with the exception of the PBX... and that one was username = admin, password = admin. Cost for fixing the problem = 2 x cups of coffee

So one of our VP's sent a name and phone number written on a slip of paper down to the CIO last week, who in turn gave it to her assistant, who in turn gave it to me. It turns out it is this VP's mother-in-law's phone number and she is having trouble with her home PC, so VP said he'd have us call.

In speaking with her it was immediately apparent that she is not in any sense of the term, "PC savvy." Mind you, this is the same person that the VP gave a company laptop but it's not even that PC, it's a new desktop they got. She starts rambling on about having too many dial up options and not connecting to AOL to upgrade to the latest version, and various other complaints. I quickly realize that there is nothing I can possibly do to assist her over the phone and request that she send the PC in with the VP.

He brought it in yesterday with a note she wrote taped to the top. Some of the highlights of this masterpiece include the following, with my wishful thinking responses in italics.

"I would love to have AOL .09 installed and have it set up where all my downloads go to the same place."

Well, sorry lady but I think any beta versions of AOL from 1989 are long since unavailable. :p

"I don't think my VIRUS is up to date so that maybe able to be removed."

Oh, your VIRUSES are very much up to date in that you are infected with most of the recent variants. I am more concerned with your ANTI-virus software that is in fact out of date, but no, in fact, I will NOT be removing it. You need to purchase another year's subscription so that you can download the latest definition files.

"I think I may have 2 and 3 of the same programs doing the same functions LIKE PICTURES - MUSIC -MAIL Plus I might need a browser driver update?"

*Slaps forehead and realizes no amount of explanation will lead to understanding on her part*

So yeah, I've been working on it all day yesterday and most of today. I finally got Norton running again (it was disabled by some virus), updated the definitions, and ran SpySweeper and SpyBot to remove a horde o' spyware/adware crap. As this is a corporate environment, we do not have an AOL .09 (sic) CD available so I attempted to download it using our T1 connection as I didn't want to even think about using their pansy dial-up connection to do it. AOL, like many companies, provides a small installer file to download which then launches it's own download manager to go get the full program installation files. However, when I went to launch it, a message telling me that there is no internet connection available prevents installation, this despite the fact that I just used said internet connection to download said file. *Forehead vein pops*

So I realize I won't be able to complete this until next week, after I pick up an AOL CD somewhere this weekend. (As ubiquitous as those damn things are, we don't have a 9.0 version here.) I emailed the VP and let him know the status and got this response:

Hi Trase.

Thanks for your help.

is it full of virus? or, does she just screw it up by not knowing what she's doing?

(you can be honest) thanks,>name removed<

I resisted the urge to repond with something akin to:

"Those two factors are not mutually exclusive and in fact both are the case. My recommendation is that you purchase a set of playing cards and a WebTV unit to replace this high-powered brand new Dell PC as those are the sole functions she utilizes it for."

But of course I cannot.

That, along with our GroupWorst server going up and down all day, and another very ignorant user who just started here two weeks ago and seems to think if she pretends she's helpless and whines I will do her job for her, has me longing for 6:00....

I've worked in a Secondary School in the UK as the Network Manager for about 10 months now. When I arrived there was a culture of blaming IT for everything that goes wrong in the place.

I've worked hard to turn it around, but there are still the occasional little faux-pas that serve to undo all my hard work.

Like one of my junior Tech's renaming the print shares on two of our staff room PC's that had printers hung off the back of them because he didn't think "they were logical enough".

What? Something wrong with \\Staffroom1\colour and \\Staffroom2\monolaser then?? Good grief!

The names he came up with were linked to the model numbers of the printers in question and would have meant nothing to those less-IT-literate users who wanted to print to the colour inkjet or mono laser in the staffroom.

But because he renamed the shares, the 80-odd laptop users who were configured to use the existing setup suddenley found they couldn't print.

I only got called into solve the problem as him and the other techs couldn't fathom the problem out. When I connected to the share from another machine, I could print fine - no apparent problem.

And then he casually mentions his helpful reconfiguration.

Considering this chap works part time with us and part time with another college in the City, I would have thought he would have realised that the print queues were set up a particular way for a reason.

I was so chuffed with his initiative, I rewarded him with a very special job - the reconfiguration of the print shares and setup and testing on all 80 laptops personally!

Strangely he hasn't done anything like that since.

Well, up to now he hasn't anyway!

I work for a large ISP doing tech support. I thought this was going to be an easy call. The customer sounded bright, spoke intelligently without any sign of not being able to hear me, and simply needed some help getting connected....

Me: Can you right click on the 'My Computer' Icon please?

C: Okay

Me: Now, from the menu that popped up, can you left click on the word 'Properties'?

C: I don't see that.

Me: It should be right at the bottom of the menu.

C: I don't have a menu.

Me: Did you right click directly on the 'My Computer' icon?

C: I tried, but it wouldn't accept it.

Me: It wouldn't accept it? You mean you did a right click and nothing happened? (Notice I'm not yet clued in.)

C: I tried, but it wouldn't accept it.

Me: Could you try it again please? Place the mouse pointer over the 'My Computer' icon and right click.

...I listen to sounds of keys being pressed...

Me: I hear you typing, are you doing something else?

C: No, I'm writing 'click' like you said.....

A user asked me the following question.

If the printer says toner out does that mean I can not print??? Well Duh?

Working for an ISP in Australia providing voice-tech support, I find it easier if the customer doesnot think of anything but do what I tell them to do. The problem starts when they think they are techy too (Then why call me???)

This guy called with trouble getting connected to net.

Me: No worries mate, I'll help u

He: Dont worry mate.. I am a techy too.. we will fix it together

Me: What operating system was he using mate?

He: Pentium 3 with 256K, with DVD/CD combo

Me: Eh! I mean, Operating system.. which version of windows?

He: (Irratedly) I said Pentium 3

Nice job for a techy..

My good friend bought a new computer very recently. She's never operated a computer before in her entire life. While I was visiting her, we were looking at a bunch of immature joke websites she just had to show me. Then she tells me something interesting. She said that her "MSN can automatically track and shut down websites that have done things against the law. MSN shuts those guys down."

I wasn't sure what she meant by this, but I knew that that doesnt happen. Anway, I didn't say anything to her, since she is now freely giving computer advice since she's an "expert" now.

When I got home that night I realized what happens. While she opens her websites, she keeps opening more windows to new websites without closing the others. While more and more junk is running in the background (I noticed she was doing some of this at her house) she opens yet another window to a website, finally overloading the memory, and gets this message: "This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down".

I work at a local office supply store, and one day this guy came in and was looking through our microsoft software. So I went over to see if he needed help.

HIM: Yeah, right now my computers running D. O. S. (he spelled it out). and it just sucks nothing runs right so I want to get an operating system for it.

>

>

HIM: (he's reading the features on the back.) So what operating system does this run?

ME: excuse me?

HIM: What operating system does this run?

ME: It's Microsoft Windows, the new XP version

HIM: I know that but what operating system does it run?

ME: I pretty sure it's Microsoft Windows.

HIM: ::sigh:: Got any other operating systems?

ME: Well just Windows 2000 and Linux.

HIM: Could I see Linux?

ME: Sure.

>

ME: I don't have any personal experience with this tho so I unfortunately can't tell you much more than what's on the box.

>

HIM: So this uses the Linux operating system right?

>

ME: Thats right.

>

HIM: So what operating system does this use?

ME: It is the windows os.

HIM: (points to linux box) This says it uses linux.

ME: thats right.

HIM (points to xp box) This doesn't say what operating system it uses

ME: It uses windows.

ME: AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that saddest thing is that this guys kid (who was with him) has to grow with *that* for a dad. man i feel srry for that kid. he looked about four but i'll he still knows far more about computers that his old man.

My mother IMed me one day because she wasn't getting sound from her speakers. I had rebuilt her computer that summer and had tested the sound and it was working then.

I was trying to get her to go to device manager so that I could make sure the drivers were still installed.

J = Me

M = Mom

J - Right click on 'my computer' and choose manage

M - I don't have 'manage' just 'arrange icons'.... 'properties'

J - You have to right click directly over the 'my computer' icon, not just on the desktop

M - I'm still not seeing manage

I decide to bring her to device manager the long way through control panel when she finally says "I got it" then goes on to say "I don't know why I had to click directly over the icon"

Uhhh, because that's what I asked you to do...

I managed a small network for an electrical wholesaler, and also handled technical calls for the automation equipment we sold. On one of my field calls, a customer showed me a neat little program called "Winroach" that would wait for a preset time, then start hiding little images of cockroaches behind windows. Every time you'd move or dismiss a window, one or more roaches would be exposed, and would scuttle behind the nearest window or off the edge of the screen.

As a joke, I installed the program on the computer of the head sales engineer. When he closed his word-processing program, displaying about a dozen roaches, his expletive was completely unprintable. It turned out he had a phobia about roaches. Fortunately, the entire office was laughing so hard he never guessed who did it (though I'm sure he had his suspicions).

User -- the previous tech i spoke with messed up my computer

Me --- What is your computer doing that makes you think that

User --- whenever I type into the password box, all i get are little stars, how am i ever going to get online ???

Me: "okay sir go ahead and type your password in there keeping in mind its case sensitive"

Cust.: "I let go of the shift key for the numbers but theyre still capitalized."

Me: "The numbers? Did they actually show up as numbers?"

Cust.: "Yes but they're capitalized"

ME: "Sir they're not capitalized they're just bigger than the letters"

Cust.: "Are you sure?"

Me: Tech support. How may I help you?

Ms. Moron: I lost my file and I need it back right now.

Me: What kind fo file is it?

Ms. Moron: I don't know.

Me: Is it a Word doc or an Excel spreadsheet or what?

Ms. Moron: I don't know but I have to find it now.

Me: What was the name of your file?

Ms. Moron: I don't know.

Me: I'm not sure how we are going to find this file if you don't know the name of it or what kind of file it is.

Ms. Moron (speaking with increasing irritation): Look, that is why we have you people here. You have to find this file for me. You are the techie ones so find it.

Me (rolling my eyes and wishing I could find a real job): Well, this is difficult. I will have to escalate this issue to second level support and let someone come to your desk. (knowing that Ms. Moron was an executive who was always handled with kid gloves)

Two hours later:

Ms. Moron: You can cancel that ticket. I found the file. It was right here on my desk. (I think she meant desktop).

Recently I have been shackled with working on projects that also involve developers. Not that I mind, but they don't always have a firm grasp on reality it seems.

I am working away on a "urgent" issue, and a developer performs a standard drive-by...

"Are our servers running slow?"

"Which servers would that be?"

"The ones running slow."

"1. If you know they are running slow then why are you asking me if they are running slow. 2. Which servers?"

"The ones that are running slow!"

This wnet one for several minutes while I tried to ascertain what servers they were referring to, and then checked the servers to find that they were just fine.

After the developer leaves my desk I hear snickers and sobs mixed from around the half wall seperating me from the enterprise admin.

I look around the wall and all he has to say is...

"What? You didn't know you were supposed to be issued a crystal ball with this job?"

Everybody is a comedian.

Not really a tech tale, and I'll leave it up to you to decide if it's funny, sad or just ridiculous.

Many years ago I was the senior mainframe operator for a large company. (Remember mainframes?) The manager of the programming dept. left for a better job and a replacement was hired. No one liked the replacement very much, probably due to her arrogant attitude. One day, I was chatting with a very knowlegeable materials manager that had just come from a meeting with Ms. Programming Manager. They had been discussing some new software the programmers had been working on to fine-tune the details. The Mat. mgr. was getting frustrated by vague answers to specific questions and in the course of the meeting the new programming manager admitted - she did not know how to log on to the mainframe.

That was bad enough, but talking a few days later to the head of IT (cut from the same cloth as Ms. PM), I recounted the story and half-jokingly suggested I would be a better candidate for the job. He told me with complete sincerity and conviction - "You don't have to understand something in order to manage it."

cust i have problems connecting

agent could u give me your daytime tel no.

cust yes it is 21 may 2004 12323456

My father used to be a programmer (back in the days of the TI-99/4A... anyone remember that?) and, although he hasn't got the same level of expertise that he used to, is still fairly knowledgeable. He has a fairly new system running XP and is comfortable with its use and configuration. Of course, brain lapses happen to all of us at some point, and this one happened to both of us.

Somehow or other I acquired a virus, and I eventually had to reinstall XP on my computer. Unfortunately, after everything was done, I discovered that I had misplaced the drivers for my Wi-Fi card. No sweat, really - I called my father and asked him to download the drivers for me. I gave him the information he needed to download them, and when we were all finished, I told him I would be over in a little while to get them.

My father's response: "Instead of having to go through all that, should I just email them to you?"

Customer: I just got this new computer, and my mouse and keyboard aren't working.

Me: Well.. let's see. Are they USB or PS/2?

**blank silence**

Me: Are the ends of the cables flat or round?

Cust: It's wireless.

Me: Oh, ok. Go ahead and press the 'connect' button on the receiver on the back of your system, and then press the--

Cust: What receiver?

Me: The one plugged into your mouse and keyboard ports on the back of your computer.

Cust: This is WIRELESS. I don't know if you understand what that means, but I don't have to plug anything in.

Me: There's a receiver you have to connect to the computer. It accepts the signal from the mouse and keyboard.

Cust: This is WIRELESS.

Me: Yes, and it has to have a receiver. An antenna, if you will, just like a radio.

This part of the conversation repeats a few times while I beat this idea through 1/4" of human skull.

Cust: Well, I think I'm just going to return this whole stupid computer.

Why is it they always want to "box the f*n thing up and send it back," for a PEBKAC error?

Customer finally looked in the box and found the receiver. Finally got the mouse/keyboard package set up the way it was supposed to be. Surprise! It worked.

Now, I know she was just beating her brains out trying to figure out why I wouldn't just wave my "magic techie wand" for her...

My company was replacing older PC's with newer models. To do this we had a script that would pull all of the (l)users files (.doc, .pdf, etc) off of their hard drives and place them on a server. When the new PC was hooked up and they logged on all of their files would be pulled from the server.

Got a call from a (l)user saying that one of the files did not transfer over. Went to his desk and unhooked his new PC and hooked up his old one and asked:

Me: OK what was the name of the file that you are missing?

(L)user: I'm not sure.

Me: well how do you know it's missing?

(L)user: I just have a feeling that I'm missing a file.

Me: ??????????????(sigh) when you figure it out let me

know.

I just took over the IT dept. at a non-profit health clinic. I was underneath the table that the servers are on a few days ago, fetching my dropping pen, when I notice that we have two UPS backup systems. "Excellent!" I thought. Upon closer inspection, I found that NOTHING was plugged into them. Nothing.

I have to stay anonymous or my ex-girlfriend will kill me about this. We now share a place (not living together) and one morning she knocks on my bedroom door to wake me up & to tell me she got a message saying she'd been hacked into. I found that hard to believe, since she is behind her own firewall (to isolate her PC from my computers) as well as behind my "main" firewall. So I told her I'd go check it out.

I sit down at my computer, and I see on my email the exact same message she said she received< from "z", entitled, "I scored one hundred, and so should you". (apparently a reference to a small computer-game competition between herself, me and her then-current boyfrend, Andrew).

So I opened the meail. And was it interesting!

I then went to her computer and opened the same email there too.

It was a test to see "how much do you love Jesus?"

I was working for a tech support company that supported hotels. Here are some of the funniest things I've heard, come across, or said.

Clerk: "OK! I came across a problem with my monitor, so I fully dissassembled it but don't know where to proceed from here..."

Tech: "... Let's start with putting the monitor back together..."

Tech (with MUTE): "Alright, see big magnet sticking out the back? Give it a good lick. If you survive, call us back."

We used a intermediary system to talk between various devices. For any of you familiar with it, it was called a "Comtrol Box". Its a black box with various types of ports, etc.

Clerk: "My Point of Service isn't working again, help!"

Tech: "OK, first we need to find something called the Comtrol Box. It's about 6 inches long, 4 inches wide, and black."

...And of course a co-worker walks around the corner hearing this and busts up laughing.

Tech (with MUTE on blushing): "Do'h!"

Clerk: "Ok, I found it, now what?"

Tech: "See the blinking lights? Watch them for me."

(Working through a program that resets the box)

Clerk: "That's all?"

Tech: "Yes, just watch the blinking lights."

...And since the coworker is just hearing just the Tech side of it, he's laughing even harder now.

Clerk: "My system isn't connecting, help!!"

(Tech goes step-by-step and gets to the NIC)

Tech: "See the red and purple blinking lights in the back or your computer?"

Clerk: "Nope, but I see some green and yellow ones."

Tech: "Ok great, that seems to be working ok, lets move onto..."

One of the icons that shows the system is working ok on their side is a spinning world symbol.

Clerk (female): "My world stopped spinning, can you make my world spin?"

Tech (male): "... I can help you with that."

Tech (on MUTE): "I'd be more than happy to make your world spin baby!"