Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I spoke with a customer today who said that she couldn’t get logged into our site. As I was talking to her, she said that she was using her daughter’s laptop because her desktop computer was not able to connect through her cable modem. I asked her how the laptop was connecting to the Internet. She said, “Oh, it has wireless.” When I asked her how the wireless on the laptop was connecting to the Internet. She said, “Oh, I forget exactly how it connects...I think it has a modem.” So, after a few more questions and an “Internet Explorer cannot display this page” message at Google, I was finally able to convince her that the reason she could not connect to our site on either computer was because her Internet was not working. Did she call her ISP first? Nope, she called us. I guess she thought that it was just going to magically connect to our site without an Internet connection. As I finished the call, she told me she was going to call her cable ISP . Poor ISP. I feel really sorry for the ISP tech person that takes THAT call. Maybe they'll post here next!

I had a desktop computer for abou 3 1/2 years before it didn't boot anymore. I got the "UNMOUNTABLE_BOOT_VOLUME" bluescreen error. I tried all the usual recovery console fixes but it still would not boot. After a few days I called the local chain computer store and the following conversation ensued.

Tech Support: "This is Tech Support, how may I help you."

Me: "Yeah ummmm. My computer is not booting up anymore."

Tech Support: "Okay, tell me what happens when it boots up, sir"

I describe the problem to her.

Tech Support: "What have you done recently."

I tell her my computer routine int the last few weeks. (Browse the Internet, Write in Word, Install some games for my nephew to play with, said nephew playing with the games, etc.)

Tech Support: "(gasp) You've installed computer video games...... FROM A FLOPPY OR CD!!!

Me: "Yeah, what's the problem."

Tech Support: "Don't you know games from Floppys and CDs have tons of viruses.

Me: "No they don't."

Tech Support: "Yes they do. Have you bought games from (Video Game Manafacturer)? They are infamous putting tons of viruses on their disks."

Me: "I buy products from (Aformentioned Video Game Manafacturer) all the time and my other computers are fine."

Tech Support: " You are obivously wrong, That company put tons of viruses on their games."

Me: "I don't think you know what your talking about."

Tech Support: Sir, I'm the "professional" not you."

Me: (sighs)

Tech Support: I highly advise you bring your hard disk in. Ask for me, my name is (name)."

Me: "Okay."

I come in the next day.

Cashier: "Hello, How may I help you?"

Me: "I need to see (the same woman from the call)."

Cashier: "Okay, I will escort you to the tech support department."

It took 15 minutes before the Tech serviced me.

Tech Support: "Hello."

Me: "Yeah, Your name is (name) right?"

Tech Support: "Yes, are you the one with that problem?"

Me: "Yes"

Tech Support: "Okay, Give me your hard disk right now."

I give her the hard drive and she set it up for a virus scan.

Tech Support: "Okay, I'm going to scan your hard disk and get rid of those nasty viruses that (Video Game Manafacturer) put on your computer."

10-15 minutes later

Tech Support: "The scan is done let see how many threats you have."

She looks at the screen and it said "(The number of files on my hard disk), no threats detected.

Tech Support: (with a baffled look on her face) "OUTRAGEOUS!!!!! This can't be right. I want you to bring the rest of your computer unit, now!"

I come back with the computer unit.

Tech Support: "I'll fix this computer for you. It'll be ready to use again in about 5-7 business days. Free of Charge."

Me: "Okay."

7 business days later.

Tech Support: "Everthing should be all right now."

Me: "What was the problem?"

Tech Support: "You had tons of bad sectors on your hard drive and you needed a new CPU."

Me: "Okay, Thank you very much."

I left and hooked my computer up and pressed the power button, and it did not even boot. I tried several times before opening the case, and to my horror the Hard Drive was mutilated the metal was bent out of shape and their was some evidence that some of the platters (I don't know exactly what they are called) were taken out, but that was not the worst. The CPU and the Motherboard has been burnt so bad that they could pass as Barbecue. I called customer service and the case got as high as the CEO of the company (Its a very small chain, you know) and I got an expensive new state of the art computer with all the fixings for free, and the woman from tech support was fired for incompetence. Apparently she botched alot of other customers' computers befor mine.

I've come on board with a very small single-location supermarket that recently installed a new POS system, and the server lives in the small upstairs office. I never really crawled under the desk or looked at the wiring and cabling for the system. The building is old, and sort of a conglomeration of two small buildings combined in to one, also connected to a house next door (converted to businesses).

Recently, they decided they needed a new air conditioner in the office, to replace the ancient wheezing one.

A/C guy comes, puts in spiffy new unit, promptly pops the breaker. UPS alarm is beeping in the background. Guy wanders off to trace problem.

Fast forward half-hour later. Server dead, UPS battery long run down. (Did I also mention the server software for the program in question does not support automatic shutdown - that's coming in version 6 (currently just release v5).

A/C guy wanders back in - can't FIND the breaker box. ANYWHERE in the store.

Ho hum.

Another half hour later he returns triumphantly, and perturbed.

Turns out, the power supply line for the upstairs office, originates in the dim, dank, Revolutionary-War-era basement of the house next-door, where it was hidden behind an old wooden door in the crawlspace at the back of the basement. It uses FUSES. Glass ones.

That power circuit turns out to power a small refrigerator, a large printer, a lamp, two small desk fans, a laminating machine, the air conditions, oh AND the server. All on one circuit. Somehow, this system managed to function for years, at least until we installed the newer more powerful a/c.

o_0

(We've since had a nice heavy duty line run from our main breaker box, specifically for the server (and a separate one for the a/c) and everything is peachy keen.)

-----------------------------

Meanwhile.... down at the POS stations I was called down one day because "something was beeping and then the register shut off" - turns out one employee had stuffed their sweater under the counter, accidentally turning off the power supply, UPS fail, etc....

So, I'm looking through the wiring. Each POS has its own UPS box. Each UPS box is connected to a (VERY OLD) power strip - greasy, dusty, and with the light flickering (in other words, fried many times over) - which emerges from some unknown dimension under the floor. Sort of defeats the purpose, no?

And finally, I discover the network cables - practically SHREDDED, crimped, the sheathing looks like they went through a blender. Amazingly enough, they still work and carry the signal. I've covered them up as best as possible, because apparently they run buried in the ceiling from one end of the store to the other, one single run. Not gonna go there, with re-cabling. F8ck 'em.

The FiOS router somehow patches into an old patch panel, which connects with another old patch panel in the attic of the building next door, which then runs cables in squiggles all over the place and eventually back to the office, and I guess to the POS. I don't have the heart or strength to trace them for fear of what else I might find.

This is 100% completely true. Couldn't make this up if I tried. The person responsible for all this (initial install) - well, he's the Produce department manager. But he's good with a hammer and nails, and apparently he was the only one in the store who knew how to use a computer, back when they put the cabling in a few years back.

Somehow, it all keeps running.

This is similar to 'The Possessed Pointer' from 1997. REALLY similar, actually.

WE are a mixed company, Windows computers, as well as Macs. Since we're a printing company, our graphics people use Macs. Last Summer we upgraded to the fancy 27" iMac, being an Apple product, it came with all kinds of 'gee whiz' factor included. Their newest mouse, BlueTooth keyboard, all the bells and whistles.

I set up one of our less computer savvy users up on one of these. After a kind of painful tow days, we were ready to go. My boss(The Network admin) was in from our home office in Illinois after being in town to help me do some setup for a few days. We're at the office door, nailing down our trouble list for the next couple days, when my Mac user freaks out. She is also having the cursor zip and scream all over her desktop, apps are opening, things are moving on the desktop, entire folders are being deleted, on and on...

I come over and verify that this is happening just as she says. We do a lot of remote monitoring, since there are 3 of us(Plus a programmer who jumps in when there is a need), yet 7 facilities and a couple hundred users. After I check to see if she had our other tech remotely connected, I start looking for indicators of another connection(GoToMeeting, LogMeIn, VNC indicators, anything). I see nothing. Suddenly, I get an epiphany...

The BlueTooth keyboard that came with the iMac is pretty, but in an office, it's pretty useless without an 10-key, especially in the graphics department, where they are constantly entering dimensions and scale settings as they resize artwork, linked images, etc., so we had swapped out the keyboard for a wired one. My boss decided to take back the BT keyboard, and had it in his carry-on bag, ready to head to the airport, but it was still on, and happily sending commands to the computer across the room. I got the thing turned off, and we eventually discovered everything that had been moved or deleted on the Mac and restored it... Oh happy times.

I work for a small college that maintains a decent public wireless network for students and teachers to use that is separate from the enterprise wireless that the college's laptops use.

Each user connects to this wireless like any other network but then when they browse, they get directed to a login page where they supply their username and password. This page has a few helpful tips but also a very clear warning that use of peer to peer file transfer software will result in a 15 minute disconnection.

We have to do this because one user can tie up a huge amount of wireless and internet bandwidth with just a few downloads - that, and we're tired of tracking down P2P users for every lawyer letter we get.

Every semester, the first week of school, our helpdesk gets dozens of calls and walk-ins from people who just don't read or even understand what they're doing with this software. We've even had people complain that we're limiting their freedom.

Sorry... but we all have to make your tuition and tax dollars go as far as possible. Thanks for playing.

We were upgrading the software revision on our wireless controller; when we do that the wireless coverage drops in areas as the access points reboot and upgrade themselves from the controller. We can customize the loading screen for our business's main application and we had a message up warning people ahead of time that wireless coverage will be spotty between time A and time B on particular day. The day comes, the time comes, and I get a call from a user whose laptop "isn't working". They are a mobile user, so I asked them if they had seen the warning message about wireless during this time. She says, "Oh yeah, I saw it, I didn't think that applied to me."