Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I run a local computer business and do some work for local motels installing wireless connections for them. At this one hotel the owner bought the parts (a consumer grade Linksys A+G wireless router and 2 identical Access Points) I explained that I could install lit but couldn t warranty the coverage as the parts he bought were never designed to be used in that situation. He agreed and it was installed.

After a week one of his employees had reset the router and caused problems so I was called to fix it. I didn t have the documentation on the router so I dialed Linksys tech support to get the default password to log into the router.

I end up with a lady in India I believe. I explained I was a computer tech working for a motel that was using a linksys router model Blah blah, and needed the default password for it so it could be reconfigured.

She wanted to know the model number and I gave it, then she wanted to know the phone number for the motel, and I gave it. All of this information I can understand wanting. The next bit of conversation had me laughing it went like this.

Tech: Do you have a cable or DSL Internet connection.

Me: Neither The motel has a T1 line.

(pause..)

Tech: What I am asking is do you connect to the internet with a cable or DSL connection.

Me: Neither, It s a T1 connection.

(pause..)

Tech: Hold on.

At this point I m a little upset all I want is a default password so I can fix this thing and be gone. Soon the tech returns.

Tech: You need to speak with the manager.. Hold on.

Me: Look all I need is the default password after this router has been reset and I ll get off the phone and leave you alone.

Tech: Hold on..

(pause..)

New Tech (male): Hello?

Me: Yess I have a linksys router model blah and I need the default password so that I can log into it after it has been reset.

Tech: Have you reset the router?

Me: Yes

Tech: And what is your internet connection Cable or DSL

Me: Neither, it s a T1 connection.

(pause..)

Tech: No I am asking if it s a cable or a DSL connection.

Me: Look T1 is a type of connection, that is what they have you asked me that is it.

Tech, But is it cable or DSL

Me: .. Cable..

Tech: Oh K.. your passwords is _____

I had a customer once that said she gave away her old modem. Figuring that it was the internal one I started to help her connect her DSL modem to the computer. After 15 minutes of trying to physically connect the modem I realised she was trying to connect it to her monitor. When I asked about the computer, it ends up the customer thought her tower was the modem and gave it away.

I was happy when I finally got DSL for my computer after having moved to a new state. I had just finished my computer networking degree thought I knew everything. I setup everything I need (hardware, IP addresses, etc) and then found that wasn't working correctly. Well, I spent about 2 hours rechecking every setting inside Windows but nothing worked so I was forced to call their support center.

The tech was petty nice and listened as I explained everything I had done as I didn't want to spend time going through things I had already done. He asked me, "Alright lets just check one thing, can you open up your computer for me?" When I opened up the side of my computer, my network card fell out of the slot. Somehow it had gotten loose. I have never been so embarrassed as to have to explain that this might be the cause of the problem. At least he didn't laugh too much at me.

I am currenty working for a tech support company where you work from home. I was literally reading the stories on this site when this call came in. A lady had a Micron pc that must have been given to her. It had to be 10 years old or more. She said she was having trouble installing Windows 98. She said she had downloaded it and was having trouble. When she inserted the floppy, it came up with the "no operating system" message. In order to make sure I understood her correctly, I repeated back to her what she said. That she had downloaded the Windows 98 operating system onto a single floppy and was trying to install it and she confirmed that. I told her there was no way Windows 98 would fit on a single floppy disk. I then asked her where she got it and she said download.com. I told her she must have downloaded some utility for Win98 and she said "No, that's what it said." I then informed her of the illegality of downloading it in the first place and if download.com had offered it, they wouldn't be around very long once Microsoft found out. I knew she hadn't downloaded it anyway. She insisted that's what she had and I politely told her there was no way and no way I could help her. I'm sitting here just stunned by this.

I used to work as a PC tech support agent and one day, I got a call from a gentleman advising me that his CPU was smoking.

I repeated what he said, to make sure I heard him correctly and then advised him to disconnect the power cable....and he said "But I'll lose my game".

I'm still trying to figure this one out. I'm a systems administrator for a large internet host. My co-worker showed me this ticket he received.

"I cannot obtain to connect. Why cannot I obtain to connect. My internet is the cable and the error reads error".

We get a laugh out of this regularly. Sometimes I wonder what the real issue is.

Just had a Linux user complain to me that "Linux is telling me bad words" when booting.

Sounded strange. I thought that maybe some module or command in the initialization files could be causing this, then I asked him to give a "dmesg > bootlog" command on the Linux console to give the Linux boot log then send me this file.

He done it.

When I started to read the file, there was a line like this:

"Warning: Mounting unchecked filesystems, running e2fsck is recommended"

(fsck is the Linux/UNIX equivalent of MS-DOS and Windows ScanDisk, checking a Linux file system for inconsistencies)

This warning message happens sometimes after a sudden shutdown (i.e. without halting the system with 'shutdown -h now')

It is just the same as saying "run fsck before it's too late, maybe your file systems has problems but you don't know".

He had read "fsck" as "f*ck".

I think that I will now refer to it as "file system check".

My household server died one afternoon, and since i have several other computers, I just tossed a second NIC into one of them and set it up as my NAT box. I plugged it into the Cable Modem and tried to get an IP address. No luck; I get a 169.254.x.y (autoconfig) address. I do release/renew a dozen times; no go.

I call my ISP's tech support and explain the problem. The tech asks: "Have you power-cycled the modem?"

I responded that I hadn't, because the cable modem's lights all showed normal operation. He responded with: "If you connect a computer with a different MAC address to one of those cable modems, you need to power it off for one minute and power it back on. That's to prevent customers from connecting extra computers to the Cable Modem and getting multiple IP addresses without paying for them; unless we program them otherwise, the cable modems will only accept requests from the first MAC address they detect on power-up."

me: "DOH!" I recycled the cable modem and everything worked perfectly. I insisted that the tech make a note in the case that I was "extremely satisified" with his support.

My wife called me at work to tell me that one of the (six) computers in my office was intermittently making a buzzing noice. She couldn't tell which one, but wanted me to know. I assumed it ws a bad fan. When I got home, my wife said she'd discovered the source. Our daughter had left her cell phone (set on vibrate) on top on one of the computers in my office (and plugged into the charger I have in there). Every time her phone rang, the vibration made the computer case buzz.

Like so many others on this site, I am defacto tech support for my entire extended family, and their friends etc...

However, some of my family seem to have realised that I am usually quite busy, and so try to get their problems fixed by others.

My aunt was having problems with Outlook. As soon as she read the message, it was disappearing. So she took it into her local computer shop (I live about 6 hours away, so it's not convenient to bug me). The "tech" there had it for almost a week, and when it was returned, he had set up another folder, with instructions for my aunt to move emails to this folder before reading them.

This obviously wasn't much of a solution, but my aunt lived with it for a few months, no longer trusting that tech, until she had a reason to come to our place.

When I opened Outlook, the first thing I saw was, at the top of the message list, the words "Filter Applied". So I went into the filter settings, and removed the filter that hid all read messages. Problem solved, Time elapsed, 10 seconds.

hi, i have done tech support for over 15 years now, and i have come across some real dumba$$es, but also done stupid stuff myself so i try not to get too annoyed with users.

however i have had to laugh sometimes, once working for a uk bank, i asked a secretary to send me a copy of her disk she needed sorting, and received a photo copy with a disk on it, i still have it somewhere.

even when i was at uni on the computer studies course one of my fellow students who liked stuff all neat wondered why his 5.25 disks stopped working. well maybe if you had not hole punched them to fit into your folder they may have stood a chance.

i used to work closely with dell, and they had a 'bloopers' tape, one of which was a woman who moaned that her foot pedal on her new word processor wasn't working. took the guy just 7 minutes to work out she had given up her old dictaphone machine and was frantically stamping on her new mouse from the pc.

i once was moving a colour laser printer for some bankers at my last job in london, had got fed up waiting for the hardware guys to move it, so did it my self, only to drop the thing on the floor with a huge crash, and looked up to see over 100 merchant bankers looking at me to see what had happened.

oh and lastly, the one about the guy with the powercut from a uk bank, is made up, and has been attributed to dell, gateway, microsoft, ibm etc, basically any large company in the last 10 years.

going back to the dell guys though, they did have a tape of a guy when being told to close all his windows, was heard putting down the phone, and closeing his windows, only to come back to the phone, say i have closed the windows but the machine still just beeps at me.

have loads more, will pop back soon, great site.

Customer call saying they just received there DSL self install kit in the mail ( modem, manual, wires, microfilters ) and it's not working

I ask what lights are on the modem

whats a modem?

the box we sent you

there are no light

( wanting to pinpoint the brand so I can give her the names of the lights ) what color is the box?

blue with white clowds

oh thats the package it came in, I mean the box that was INSIDE

I havent opened it yet

apparently she tought that receiving the box in the mail was all that was needed to get connected

how I got the strenght to tell her to get the kit out of the box and follow the instructions in the manual I will never know

feel free to edit and rewrite to your liking

Working for medium size insurance company we have agents all over the US. All I can say is god bless the souls who can't retire and continue to work until they hit the grave. But some should be told that their retirement is good, for everyone else.

Elder agent calls and wants to complain about the companies internet service. Wait... we're an insurance company. We setup our field agents to use VPN so they can use any internet service they want saving us the expense of T1 lines everywhere. Too give the agents a warm fuzzy feeling we 'suggest' two dialup services, one being Earthlink.

Me: Can you elaborate on the problem with your internet serice?

Him: I call Earthlink and they refuse to help me access our email and customer database. And they don't speak any english.

Me: Well they are an internet serive and don't know anything about our company.

Him: I think it deplorable the can't help me with the amount of money I pay them...

And this goes round in circles for at least 10 minutes. So, I try to be good soul and see if I can solve his dialup problem....

Me: Well how about if I try to solve the problem. Can you describe what happens when you connect to them.

Him: Well I call an 800 number and they refused to help me, blah, blah, blah.

Again another 5 minutes of circling about the ISP not helping him. Finally I offer to escalate this as a complaint call, after clearly documenting my many attempts to help him solve the problem.

No matter how manny times I tried to explain to him, he just couldn't grasp the concept that Earthlink is a seperate company from us.

Now for the kicker. I did a followup courtesy call to him to see if he did get connected or if there was anything else we could do for him. The number he provided for any callbacks.... A retirement home.

Been reading a lot of the tricks where you switch the mice between two computers beside each other to confuse the users. Here's one we did to our boss which was hilarious.

I used to work in a medium sized health care provider in the IT department. We'd had enough generations of pc's come and go that we had built up a fairly large stockpile of old keyboards and mice. The users on the nursing floors were particularly hard on keyboards and mice so we often wound up reusing them. The trick we played on the boss was to take a mouseball from one of the old mice and take a pocket knife and carve the rubber away from it in certain places so it had flat spots all over it. Then we took his mouseball out of his mouse and replaced it with the carved one. Needless to say he was quite shocked that his mouse pointer was jerking all over the screen when the flat-spotted mouseball was clunking around. He thought it was a pretty good joke.

Had a phone call today

my computer is turning off by itself

Me: ill come and have alook at it for you.

when i got there they said had been doing this for almost 3 months,and its the same time every day.

after checking the computer i found it was was pluged into a timer which was set to turn off at 3:45 pm

i thought it was funny but they didnt

I'm trying to train our users to tech support trouble tickets in by email. During the support call, I instruct them "write an email to help@companyname.com".

This seems to be a fairly difficult concept for many people, but one user did take the cake. "It's not working", she said.

Using our remote software, I logged in and viewed her screen. In the "To" field of the email she'd typed--

helpatcompanyname.com

Gotta love 'em!

I am the system administrator for a media outlet. One day I get a call from the "Big Boss"... Y'know, my Boss's, boss's Boss! The head hauncho in the big front office.

Seems that he has this important document, that he keeps making changes to, and sending to corporate office, but they keep getting the old version, minus his changes.

I figure that it's not saving properly, perhaps he doesn't have the correct "write" permissions, I'm not sure. So I go to the big front office and look over his shoulder, as he explains how he's doing this.

It appears as though someone emailed him a document, and he didn't like the way it was worded so he has to make some changes to it before he sends it off to corporate.

He opens his email, and goes to a message that was emailed to him, and double-clicks on the attached MS Word document. He then painstakingly makes all the changes that he wants to the document (this takes almost 20 minutes, as he "hunts and pecks" at his keyboard with one finger). Finally, he is satisfied with his work, and clicks the "Save" icon a the top of Word.

He then closes Word, goes back into his email, clicks on the original message that was sent to him, and clicks on "Forward". He types the address of where he is sending it, and types in the body "Here are my changes", then clicks "Send". He has forwareded the ORIGINAL message.

When he goes into his "sent items" in Outlook, I see that message 12 TIMES in his "sent items". He clicks on the most recent one, and opens it... Double-Clicks the attachment, and opens the Word Doc.

"See", he says "All my changes are GONE!".

I told him I would have to go check the server, and ran out of his office. It would be very detrimental to my carreer to laugh in front of him.

...In every office there is at least 1 nightmare user who reckons he knows it all because he's worked out how to change the title bar on Internet Explorer or something equally (un)impressive.

My favourite way of winding up these muppets (and getting much entertainment from seeing them panic) is as follows:

1.Open a load of windows and programs on muppet's computer

2.Take a screen print, and save as a jpg

3.Set the saved jpg as the desktop wallpaper.....

.....and watch in amusement as they scream "My computer's crashed!!!!"

Then after a suitable interval, saunter along and fix it with five easy clicks. Bwahahahaha

M= Me C= Customer

m: thank you for calling (insert company here) This is Brad how can i help you?

c: im sorry did you say Brian?

m: no Brad.

c: Brian?

m: NO Brad B...R...A...D.

c: Thats not how you spell Brian.

I then hung up on him because. If he was to stupid to figure that out, I wasnt going to be able to help him.

My boss told me that if i do that again im fired cuz it will be my third strike. (the first happend when someone called me to try to figure out how to work there screen saver) So i will probably be looking for a job in the next hour or so.

It was a semi-quiet friday until I was taken back by this email. Keep in mind this is coiming from a QA person:

My machine is making noise again, so I checked task manager, and both mcshield.exe and ad-aware.exe are running in the background. Is there someway to schedule these to run when I am not working? It would help me out a great deal to not have to wait for these processes to finish or hear the disk chugging (choking, really) while I am trying to get things done.

Thanks,

Ruth G

QA Test Lead

As an ISP tech support person, and a computer science student, I am often called on to do tech support for family members ( I know, this seems to be a common theme here right?). One of the "family" members who calls me quite regularly is my ex-wife. I provide said support because my son lives with her, and I dont want him to do without.

One bright sunny August day, I was sitting at home, enjoying an idiot-free day ( or so I thought ) when my phone rings...I debate with myself for a minute about answering it (knowing it was her) and decide I should, in case something has happened to my son. I answer the phone and it goes something like this....

M = Me

B = ex-wife (you figure out what it stands for lol)

B : Hey I just got a quick question. Whats the best keyboard to use? I need a new one, mine stopped working, and I can't figre out why.

M : (thinking I will do a bit of quick troubleshooting before I send her off with my child-support money to buy a new keyboard if she really doesnt need it) When did it stop working? Is it plugged in securely, etc etc etc...

B : it stopped working last night. I put it in the dishwasher to clean it and when I plugged it back in it wouldn't work

M : ....

B : Thom ( the new love in her life ) told me that if I let the cord dangle outside the dishwasher, it would be ok. I guess he was wrong, huh?

M : .....

B : So what type of keyboard should I buy to replace it?

M : (being unable to resist) A waterproof one !!!

(click)

What can I say. I didn't marry her for her brains !

these happened to me all the time. i worked for a major broadband company.

ME. hi thanks for calling XXXXX, can i have the telephone number on your account area code first?

reply one:

CUST. beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep

me. no im a real person, just go ahead and tell me.

reply two: oh i dont use the telephone to connect.

a couple short ones.

1. i had a lady call say she couldnt connect. i ping the modem and the pc, it fine, check her ip to make sure its good, open the browser, get a proxie error, so i have her uncheck use a proxy. it works

her: you know i think "pacific high command" must be messing up my computer.

me: uhhh ok... (then laughing on mute)

her: i know it sounds crazy but i work for the government and have been sending out sensitive emails to my friends.

somehow i think the gov. would do more than check use a proxy.

2. its not always the customer

another lady calls me up says she cant connect, and that she has called 4 times and no one has been able to help her. i look at the notes and see mesgs from 4 techs and one supervisor. they had scheduled a tech to come out for the problem. so i say " you got a techcoming out"

her:yeah but i just dont think i need one could you try again

so i start from the beginning first thing i do is have her powercycle. and bam two minutes ont the phone and shes online.

4 techs and one supervisor and not one of them tried a powercycle. unfortunately about %90 of the phone techs at this company(the largest cable inetnet provider in the US, starts with a C are just as clueless as the customers

Not quite a tech support history but here it goes:

So, a friend was looking at how to clean up his Linux box.

Then, he found the /etc directory, he thought "etc... miscellaneous files, maybe I can delete this".

So, he happily did:

root@linux:/# cd etc

root@linux:/etc# rm -rf *

Those that know Linux, know that in /etc there are files like inittab (a file that tells "what to do"), fstab (a file that has a list of all partitions to mount), rc.d (boot-up scripts) and Linux won't come up or would not work well without them.

When he tried to reboot the system... a surprise!

Linux would not boot because it didn't know what to do.

I ended up booting from a Live-CD and recovering the critical stuff: modules (similar to drivers in Windows), his files, configurations, then reinstalled Linux.

He also learned: never delete anything unless you're really sure.

I was hired by a small reseller to sell and support a paperless office product. It's my job to show businesses how to take volumes of paper and go electronic.

Day two on the job, the supervisor approaches my desk with a bankers box, a box of hanging file folders and a box of manilla folders and says: "What you need to do is make a file for each of the clients. Print out all their information, and you can file them in here.

I just stared at her for a second, because I honestly thought she was joking. It didn't register with her.

"You want me to print the information from the software" I asked. She nods affirmatively.

"The PAPERLESS SOFTWARE??????????"

Our university had two labs full of 35+ non-name-brand clone PCs. Their motherboards were supposed to be "auto-speed-sensing" to adapt to different CPUs. . . but instead just always settled at 150 MHz. Since we had 200 MHz chips in them, we demanded that they be replaced, and under warranty labor -- 35+ motherboard replacements in the era of sheet-steel cases would take more than a week!

The guy they sent out came across this one unit that failed to POST after he put in the new board. "Must be a bad one" he said, and put in another.

Same thing. No beeps, no whistles, just the fan hum, faceplate lights, and a black screen.

So he starts taking the thing apart down to the bare board to find the problem. He ends up with a unit that's literally motherboard + power + keyboard + video + mouse. No RAM, no CPU, no cards, no IDE. Still no change, and no BIOS beep codes, either.

So he puts it back together -- and it works! Windows and everything. Well, except that he'd accidentally disconnected the ordinary, white, Microsoft Intellimouse.

Which doesn't work after he plugs it back in. So he reboots. Black screen, no POST.

Unplug the mouse. Reboot. Windows!

Move the mouse to a perfectly working machine. Reboot. Black screen, no POST.

Wierdest short I've ever seen. We wanted to keep it (think of the pranks!), but were ultimately too afraid that it would find its way into the general mouse population. . .

A few years back I was doing support for a large ISP here in NZ. One day I received a call from an elderly lady who was quite chuffed that her grandson had bought her a computer so she could keep in touch with all the relatives via email. However, she proceeded to explain that she was unaable to get onto the internet in the first place.

At this point I thought I'd check her dial-up settings. I asked her to click on the START button ( a simple enough request ) and she promptly informed me that there was no STAR button on her computer.

"No" I explained, "I want you to press the START button (extra emphasis on the final "T").

"Ok", she said. A few seconds later, she responded "there is no STAR button".

After swallowing the urge to scream at her, I responded. "Madam, not the STAR button, but rather the START button, S-T-A-R-T!"

She then tried again and, you guessed it, promptly replied that there was no STAR button.

At this point I explained that I would need to speak to my supervisor, and quickly hit the RELEASE button on my telephone.

I hadn't given her my name and there were 50 of us on the support desk, so the chances of her getting me again were slim!

Many years ago I was working as an IT Support Analyst (read General Dogs Body) for a major law firm, here in Auckland NZ.

This was one of the biggest law firms in the country, raking in millions, mainly through corporate law.

Anyway, one day, one of the Senior Partners (we're talking Brand new mercedes, mansion in the hills, 50 ft yacht etc) rings me to tell me his monitor isn't working.

I check every setting under the sun and can't fault it. The computer is on, the Monitor is connected.

In the end I decide to go and visit his office. When I get there, I immediately notice that the monitor is not plugged into the wall. I plug it in and VOILA the monitor springs to life.

"Wow!", he says "how'd you fix it so quick?"

"simple really", I replied, "monitors need power to work, and plugging them in usually helps."

He looked very embarassed and always avoided eye contact with me after that.

Just goes to show, you can be a 'brilliant' lawyer earning big bucks, and still be a moron.

Our university provides an e-mail account to every student, faculty, etc., but the only access used to be through Pine. Some crafty students developed a web-interface, and now the (l)users don't need to learn the 'confusing' Pine commands.

At the web portal, immediately below the username and password prompts, sits a message centre where the admins valiantly try to keep the (l)users from hurting themselves. It doesn't always work.

One day, the message was:

"There's an email virus making the rounds that claims to be from userids like Webmaster@, Staff@, Info@, Register@, Admin@, Administrator@, or Support@machine.[university].ca. It isn't. Do not open the attachment, do not run the program, do not peek at the zip file.

If you weren't expecting it, treat it with suspicion. Bad software doesn't deserve your trust."

That very same day I overhear:

Luser: "Did you see that message from the admins this morning?"

Student WITH a clue: "You didn't...?"

Luser: "What was in that file? It didn't do anything..."

Doh!

When I worked for Telia(mayor swedish ISP), I got a dial up customer.. :)

M:"Telias internet support your speaking with Erik."

C:"Hi, my internet dosent work."

M:"Ok, what is your customer number?"

C:"Blablabla."

M:"So what is the problem?"

C:"I cant get out on the net."

M:"Ok, you have problems connecting, or?"

C:"Yeah, that's it."

M:"...so do you get any error message?"

C:"Yeah, Error 691, somthing to do with the password."

(Now I figured emidiatly that he had written the password totally wrong, as they usually do.)

M:"Ok, can I have your password, and I will test it from here."

C:"Sure, it is blablabla."

So I go test it on the server he is using, and not at all to my supprise it works perfectly.

M:"Exuse the delay, there is nothing wrong with your password. It works for me, and I connected to the server you are using."

C:"Well that's strange, what is the problem then? I know I'm typing it correct."

M:"Try typing it again."

C:"No, I have typed it a lot of times, it just cant be wrong."

M:"Mmmkay, your sure your using big and small letters as it says, and you dont have capslock on?"

C:"No, I never use that capslock."

So I help him type letter by letter and it still dosent work.

M:"Can you type your password on the Username field and tell me what it says?"

C:"What the...there is a C where a P should be."

Thinking, he must have typed wrong I ask him to tye again, but with the same result.

M:"Ok, between X and V what key do you have there?"

C:"Well P."

M:"Ok, someone has changed the keys C and P"

C:"Yeah, that does make sense. How strange, you get many calls about this?"

M:"No, and yes that is strange, but there is your problem."

He start's laughing.

C:"Well I think I know who changed them, thank you and good bye."

Very seldom it isent really the customers fault, and this sure was one of thouse moments :)

I used to support remote UNIX clients via a dial-up modem. At this one site, sometimes the Billing Manager (BM) would hear the modem noises and would start a Double-Vision session so he could spy on me. I knew he was doing this because it would give a little tell-tale 'beep'. I finally called and asked him why he's always spying on me, and he said he wasn't and didn't know what I was talking about. I said "never mind, my mistake".

Some time later, he called saying nothing would print. I logged in, and decided to have some fun. I knew he wanted Deeper System Knowledge, frustrated that he had to call me for simple problems. (Let me say here that for him, ANY knowledge would be considered EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!) First I cleared the print queue and re-enabled it. Then I created a couple of shell scripts that do nothing, but look like they do: "fixprinter" and "clearqueue".

Before long, I heard the little 'beep'. I then typed the names of the programs, which replied with my little satisfying messages "printer now on-line" and "queue successfully cleared". I did it a couple of times so he was sure to get them written down. I then logged off.

A few weeks later, I get the call I've been waiting for. It goes something like this:

BM: I've been taking classes in system support so I can fix the printers myself.

ME: (thinking "uh oh, for real?") Cool.

BM: I've tried the "fixprinter" command and nothing happens.

ME: Is there any way that I can watch what you're typing?

BM: Sure, just type 'dv' and choose my tty...etc...etc...

ME: (after logging in ) Okay, I see you, now try it again. (I see that he's doing it 'right' -- hehe).

BM: It's still not working!

ME: Well, you're doing it right, but it says here that you need 'root' level access. BM...do you HAVE 'root' level access...? (knowing he doesn't, never has, never will, and if he ever manages to, I will shred the support contract!)

BM: Um, no, how do I get that?

ME: There's only one 'root' account and I need it to support you.

BM: Okay...then could you get this printer going again? (the extreme sadness in his voice was unmistakable)

ME: Sure, no problem...

This wasn't the last time he spied on me, but considering he himself told me how to spy on him, didn't he realize I was on to him??

Just to keep it simple, let's just say that one of my jobs was to install some software, and that required configuring some settings. It was also my job to train new employees in such tasks.

The pupil I'm thinking of was completing a BS in Information Science -- clearly more than qualified for such a simple job. I had no such degree, being a Dietitian in a former life. That made me her inferior, and she often instructed me on how something proprietary worked (without any prior knowledge). I humored her much of the time, because she seemed to need this false sense of security, which I thought as harmless in the short-run. My mistake. I was only teaching the chihuahua how to dominate me...

M = Me, the fool

C = Crazy woman with 75% of her BS in I/S

M: Let me show you what these settings mean.

C: I already know, the big boss told me, simple stuff.

M: Well he told me to go over them with you, since he didn't have time to verify your learning, so I don't have any choice. Humor me (see the irony?).

C: Okay, waste of time, *grumble grumble*

(I proceed to cover all variables, about 25 -- their meaning, parameters, and the literals in the example. She has no questions but sighs and huffs a lot).

M: Now, you repeat to me what I've told you. If you've forgotten any, I'll go over it again.

C: No need, I got them all. I told you...

M: Okay, then, for instance, what does "TERM=VT100" mean?

C: It means that TERM equals VT100.

M: But what does that MEAN...what's it for?

C: It means that the TERMINATION is set to VT100, duh!

M: No, it's TERM as in TERMINAL; so what is VT100?

C: (She now stands up, and frenetically begins to hand-and-arm signal the letters V-T-1-0-0, a la the YMCA song.) Got it?? Are you deaf??

M: Okay...V-T-1-0-0...got it...now what does VT100 mean??

C: (shoving me in the chest, she runs off to my supervisor to tell her that I'm harassing her).

My supervisor calls me in to tell me to quit harassing the new person. "C" leaves, satisfied. I shut the office door. We laugh until we cry. This poor woman lasted 6 months(!) and never understood a single company thing, although she did finish her degree and is probably an I/S manager by now...

That's a long title for a simple caveat emptor computer tale. But it shows how dumb we all are. Or trusting. Same thing?

M = Me

J = Jerk computer supply salesman (also the owner)

M: (via phone) Hello, I've been looking all over town for a 1/4" tape for my RS6000. No one carries it.

J: We do. Currently, just the one tape.

M: Well, I'll probably need them from time to time, but for now one will do. How much is it?

J: Let me check (a minute passes). It's $20.

M: For just one tape??

J: We don't sell many. It's considered obsolete. You're lucky we even have one.

M: Okay, I'll come by, I need it right away.

J: I'll reserve it for you. Take your time.

So I jump in the car and am there in like 3 minutes. I walk in and ask someone for the owner. The clerk points me to a tall man with his back to me, hunched over a rack of tapes.

M: Hello, "J". I'm here for the 1/4" tape.

J: (startled) It's right here. Will that be all? (slides tape off little rod and hands it to me).

M: Yes...wait a minute! The price on this tape is $29.99! (The printed "$20.00" has been scratched out and $29.99 hand-written in). You told me $20!

J: I mis-read it. This is a 1GB tape, I thought it was 250MB.

M: Okay, but you just changed it.

J: No, this is the correct price. You don't have to buy it...

M: No...it's okay...it's not a bad price...I'm just surprised... (thinking, already planning my 'revenge'). I'll take it. In fact, I'll be needing at least 10 more really soon, if you could order some more.

J: No problem, I look forward to seeing you again. (Rings up sale) Do you need any PCs? Printers? We have everything here...

M: Not at this time, but I'll keep it in mind. Bye.

Needless to say, I never went back. I ordered the tapes from a catalog, which ran me about $20/ea. Some day I'll sneak back to see if those 10 tapes are still hanging on that little rod...

One particular co-worker provided an unlimited source of amusement for me. She was working on her BS in Information Science, while I was a mere apprentice with no such ambitions. Nonetheless, I was assigned to her, to show her the ropes and answer questions, since I had worked there a couple of years. Here's one of many such incidents:

M = Me

C = Crazy trainee

C: The boss wants me to copy my work onto this diskette and give it to him, but it's not working.

M: Where did you get the diskette? Is it formatted?

C: I've used this diskette many times and it's fine. The problem is with the drive.

M: What happens when you try to copy files?

C: I don't get that far. It won't accept my diskette.

M: Is it write-protected? Is it damaged?

C: (huffing) Let me show you. It's not the diskette!

M: Okay.

(she takes me over to what she says is her temporary workstation).

C: Let's see, the drive is different on this one...(she tries to stuff the diskette into various grooves, ventilation slots, gaps, etc....of an IBM3151 terminal!)

M: Er, um, that's a dumb terminal. It's not a PC. No drives...

C: I know it's dumb! How do you expect me to get the files off of it if you didn't put any drives on it?!

M: Well, it's not a PC. It's just a terminal.

C: ........I know that! (storms off)

The kicker? She had never even completed any work. She had no files. Ever! But she lasted 6 months...!

The title will (hopefully) make sense by the end of this.

While in college, a roommate of mine worked in a government office in the county seat. He supported a server that all of the other counties connected to over a WAN. He had just completed all client installations, and started receiving support calls. Several were interesting, but this one took the cake:

R = Roommate/Support guy

C = County worker

R: County Seat Support, how may I help you?

C: Well, I love my new computer, thanks for setting it up. I just don't understand why it is so hard to reach you.

R: Well, I've been traveling around the state, but I'm here now. What's the problem?

C: My mouse doesn't work.

R: What seems to be the problem?

C: Let me show you...(sound of phone being set down on desk...sound of muffled talking...then distant shouting...)

R: Hello? Hello?

C: (returning to the phone) Did you hear me?

R: Yes, but you were kind of distant. I didn't make out what you said.

C: I said "Can you hear me?" several times. Maybe the connection is bad.

R: Maybe...now back to the mouse...what's happening with it?

C: (Big huff) I've been trying to call you on it all week and you haven't answered once. Now that you're finally there, you can barely hear me on it. I need a new one!

R: (Visualizing county worker talking into the mouse) Well, if you need me, you can just call me on the phone. You can also use the mouse to...(proceeds to explain 'other' mouse uses).

At least she has the distinction of joining the ranks of Star Trek's Scotty...("Computer!")

"Rehab" can mean two things: 1) Physical Rehab. 2) Drug Rehab. I worked for a company that supported software for the former -- Physical Rehab. So I guess it shouldn't be too surprising that I would occasionally get a call from someone more strung-out than the typical physical therapist. This is the only one that I remember, and it is ABSOLUTELY true (can hardly believe it myself):

M = Me

A = Addict

M: Rehab support, this is Me, how may I help you?

A: You gotta help me man...(faint, near tears)

M: Okay, what's the problem?

A: Man I'm crashing fast...

M: You're PC is crashing?

A: No, man, I'm coming down hard...I think I need to check myself in...

M: (slowly realizing) Um, I think that's the other kind of rehab (interrupted)

A: ...come on, man, I gotta cool out...do you got methadone there?

M: No, we're a software support company. We do computer support...

A: Don't mess with me man, come on, let me check in...

M: Is this Dave...? (laughing, sensing a practical joke)

A: This is Scotty, you don't know me, my buddy told me to call, looked you up, please man...

M: Let me look up the DRUG rehab number for you, just hold on a sec...sorry, we do computer support, wish I could help...(I give him the drug rehab number)

A: (a little more sober)...thanks man...so you got computer stuff? In that case, I do need a parallel cable for my HP4...

M: (interrupting) We're SOFTware support, we don't sell anything...

A: Okay, thanks anyway, man *click*

If it was a practical joke, no one ever owned up to it. Found out later the methadone clinic was two blocks away...

This one almost cost me my job. Luckily for me, the user was too embarassed to turn me in. I still don't think I said anything so bad, but I guess when someone hangs up on you, you must have...

M = Me

C = Client

M: Support, this is Me, may I help you?

C: Hey, how's it going!! (crazy-friendly greeting)

M: Great! What's up?

C: I need you to tell me how to do something.

M: Okay, what is it?

C: Well, sometimes I need a report one way, and sometimes I need it another way.

M: Sounds like a custom programming situation (hint for later: this client knows we charge for custom changes). Which report?

C: It's the Charges report. Sometimes I like it to wrap around, and sometimes I need it to cut off on the right side.

M: Sounds more like a problem than a request...

C: Well I like it the way it is, but I want to have control over the way it comes out.

M: How do you do it now?

C: For the cut-off version, I call my co-worker, she prints it for me to her pass-thru printer, then faxes it. For the wrap version, I print it to my system printer.

M: So what do you need me to do?

C: I want to be able to print it to my printer both ways instead of bothering her.

M: It's going to only come out one way on your printer, unless I somehow program it to cut-off on the right side.

C: I need it to print both ways. Are you telling me you can't get the computer to do that?

M: I can, but I'll have to program it.

C: The computer's supposed to do what you tell it to do!

M: I know...but there are no menu options for this. How do you expect the computer to know what's in your head...?

C: *click*

Was that so bad? Was I wrong?

I work for a cable broadband company.

Tech Good morning my names is ...... can I take your name and account number please

Mrs whatever blah blah blah

Tech Thank you Mrs whatever how may I help?

Mrs whatever I want you to send a tech to my house please.

Tech May I ask what the reason is. I first have to ascertain that you need a tech to visit your house.

Mrs whatever My vacuum cleaner isn't working.

Tech Pardon

Mrs whatever My vacuum cleaner is not working.

Tech You are through to your cable internet company

Mrs whatever I know that and I want a tech sending to my house today.

Tech I am sorry I can't do that. We are not responsible for your vacuum cleaner.

Mrs whatever Well it is your broadband that is stopping my vacuum cleaner working.

Tech Pardon. How do you work that out?

Mrs whatever Well I got broadband installed 3 days ago and my vacuum cleaner has not worked since.

Tech It is just a coincidence.

Mrs whatever No it isn't your broadband is taking all my electricity and stopping my vacuum cleaner from working.

Tech That is impossible. The cable modem does not use a lot of electricity.

Mrs whatever No it isn't. How do you explain my vacuum cleaner not working then?

Tech As I said it is just coincidence.

Mrs whatever No it isn't.

Tech Ok explain how our broadband is taking all your electricity.

Mrs whatever How the hell would I know I am not an electrician?

Tech Ok is your TV still working?

Mrs whatever Yes

Tech Is you kettle still working?

Mrs whatever Yes

Tech Are you lights still working?

Mrs whatever Yes

Tech Ok. Has any other electrical equipment stopped working since the broadband installation?

Mrs whatever No

Tech See it is just a coincidence.

Mrs whatever No it isn't your broadband is obviously stopping my vacuum cleaner from working and I demand a tech out to my house.

Tech Our broadband is not stopping your vacuum cleaner from working and I can not send a tech out.

Mrs whatever Oh god you are obviously thick as two short planks. Get me your manager now.

Tech Sure no problem.

I work for a cable broadband company. One of our techs arrived at a house to do the install.

Tech Hi Mrs whatever I have come to install your broadband internet.

Mrs whatever Ok come in.

Tech Which room do you want me to install in?

Mrs whatever In the living room please.

Our tech then gets starts to get everything ready

Tech Excuse me Mrs whatever where is your PC?

Mrs whatever Do you need a PC to get on the internet?

How the F*ck did that idiot get past our sales team?

I work for a cable broadband company.

Tech Good morning you are through to John. Can I take your name and account number please.

Mr whatever Blah blah blah.

Tech Thank you. How can I help?

Mr whatever Befor you go treating my like an idiot let me tell you I am computer expert and I have a MCSE.

Tech. I would never treat you like an idiot sir. How Can I help.

Mr whatever My internet is not working.

Tech Ok first we need to check the cable modem out. What lights are on?

Mr whatever Blah blah blah

Tech Ok the modem is online. We need to check your PC out. What IP adress are you getting?

Mr whatever What is an IP address?

I work for a cable broadband company.

Tech Good morning you are through to ..... Can I take your name and account number please.

Mr whatever Blah blah blah.

Tech Thank you. How can I help?

Mr whatever My internet has stopped working. I must warn you I know nothing about PC's so you will have to bear with me and go slowly.

Tech. Don't worry we will get through it together.

Tech Does diagnostics and decides it is a PC fault not an Internet fault.

Tech Ok Mr whatever it appears you have a PC fault not an internet fault.

Mr whatever Well I know I know nothing about computers but I would have to disagree with you.

I work for a cable broadband company.

Tech Good morning you are through to ..... Can I take your name and account number please.

Mrs whatever Blah blah blah.

Tech Thank you. How can I help?

Mrs whatever My internet has stopped working. I have had no internet for 3 months and I have called you umpteen times.

Tech checks previous notes and sees customer has been told umpteen times it is a windows at fault. Tech Does diagnostics out of courtesy and comes to same conclusion as previous techs. He knows it is a PC fault not an Internet fault.

Tech Ok Mrs whatever I agree with our previous techs your PC has a problem and that is why you are not getting on the Internet.

Mrs whatever. There is nothing wrong with my. PC Microsoft Word works.

I work for a cable broadband company.

Tech Good morning you are through to ..... Can I take your name and account number please.

Mrs whatever Blah blah blah.

Tech Thank you. How can I help?

Mrs whatever My internet has stopped working.

Tech Ok lets check the modem out. Ok your modem is ok we now need to check the PC out. Can you click on the start button in the bottom left hand corner please.

Mrs whatever Oh do I need my PC on?

I work for a cable broadband company.

Tech Good morning you are through to ..... Can I take your name and account number please.

Mrs whatever Blah blah blah.

Tech Thank you. How can I help?

Mrs whatever My internet has stopped working.

Tech Ok lets check the modem out. Ok your modem is ok we now need to check the PC out. What version of windows are you using?

Mrs whatever Windows 98 Millenium 2000

Tech Ther is no such version of windows. You either have Windows 98, Windows Millenium or Windows 2000.

Mrs whatever I think I know what version of windows I have you know I am not stupid. I have Windows 98 Millenium 2000 edition.

You can guarantee 9999 customers out of 1000 will do this. After a while it really really annoys you.

Tech Go to start and run please.

Mr whatever Ok

Tech Type CMD and click ok.

Mr whatever Ok

Tech In the DOS window type ipconfig and press enter.

Mr whatever Ok. Wow a load of stuff has appeared on the screen.

Tech Ok good. Can you read out your IP address.

Mr whatever Do you mean physical address?

It drives me f*cking nuts. If I wanted your physical address I would of f*cking said tell my your physical address you f*cking moron.

You can guarantee loads of customers will do this. After a while it really really annoys you.

Tech Go to start and run please.

Mr whatever Ok

Tech Type CMD and click ok.

Mr whatever Ok

Tech In the DOS window type ipconfig and press enter.

Mr whatever Ok a load of information has appeared.

Tech Ok good. Can you read out your IP address.

Mr whatever Ok. Is it says subnet mask is blah blah blah

Tech Thank you but I am looking for the IP address.

Mr whatever Ok it says the DNS server is blah blah blah

Tech Thank you but I am looking for the IP address.

Mr whatever Ok it says the description is blah blah blah

Tech Thank you but I am looking for the IP address.

Mr whatever ok is says DHCP is blah blah blah

Tech thinks are we speaking the same language here?

You can guarantee 9999 customers out of 1000 will do this. After a while it really really annoys you.

Tech Go to start and run please.

Mr whatever Ok

Tech Type CMD and click ok.

Mr whatever Ok

Tech In the DOS window type ipconfig and press enter.

Mr whatever Ok. Wow a load of stuff has appeared on the screen.

Tech Ok good. Can you read out your IP address.

Mr whatever Do you mean physical address?

It drives me f*cking nuts. If I wanted your physical address I would of f*cking said tell my your physical address you f*cking moron.

Tech Go to start and run please.

Mrs whatever Ok

Tech Type CMD and click ok.

Mrs whatever Ok.

Tech In the DOS window type ipconfig and press enter. (said slowly as ip.....con.....fig)

Mrs whatever It says itcunflap is not a recognised command.

Tech Ok we must of made a spelling mistake. I will spell it it you phoneticaly

Mrs whatever Ok

Tech Please type I for India

Mrs whatever Ok

Tech P for papa

Mrs whatever Ok

Tech C for charlie

Mrs whatever Ok

Tech O for oscar

Mrs whatever Ok

Tech N for november

Mrs whatever Excuse me was that N for November or M for Movember?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh

Mr whatever My internet is not working I have Windows 98

Tech click on you start button please in the bottom left hand corner.

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech it is definitely there can you look again please

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech it is definitely there can you look again please

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech if it is not there you may have something wrong with your PC and you will have to contact our PC manufacturer

Mr whatever Oh I see it now

Tech ok Now click on settings and then control panel

Mr whatever Settings is not there

Tech it is definitely there can you look again please

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech it is definitely there can you look again please

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech if it is not there you may have something wrong with your PC and you will have to contact our PC manufacturer

Mr whatever Oh I see it now

Ok you should be in the control panel now and you should see lots of icons.

Mr whatever Yes

Tech ok Now click on Internet options.

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech it is definitely there can you look again please

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech it is definitely there can you look again please

Mr whatever It is not there

Tech if it is not there you may have something wrong with your PC and you will have to contact our PC manufacturer

Mr whatever Oh I see it now

Repeat for every single thing you ask the customer to do. It is funny how they suddenly open their eyes and see what you want them to see when you tell them to contact the PC manufacturer.

Mr whatever Before you go treating my like an idiot let me tell you I am a Pc and Windows expert.

Tech Ok just close any open windows a moment.

Tech then hears customer go away and come back 2 minutes later

Mr whatever Ok I have closed the bathroom window but I don't see how that will help.

Tech Thank you for calling xyz internet can I take your USERname please.

Mr Smith John Smith

Tech That is your name can I take your Username please.

Mr Smith J Smith

Tech Again that is your name can I take your USERname please.

Mr Smith What is a username?

Tech It is the account holders initals followed by a series of letters and numbers e.g. js000zz111. So can I take your USERname please Mr smith.

Mr smith John Smith

Tech Do you have your account number instead please.

This customer was English.

Tech can I take your USERname please and I will search for your account.

Mr Jones I don't know it.

Tech Ok do you have your account number instead? I can do search on that.

Mr Jones I don't know it.

Tech I can also search on your telephone number what is your telephone number?

Mr Jones I don't know it.

Tech I can also search on your posctcode (zip code) what is your postcode?

Mr Jones I don't know it.

Tech Ok what is your surname I will search on that

Mr jones then shouts to his wife "Hey love what is our surname?"

"What are you doing, Dave?" was my reply to an odd intrusion several years ago.

I used to work in a VERY tiny office with one co-worker. It also housed several servers, so the boss kept it fairly cold. Some Winters, it became unbearable. However, right next to me was a disproportionately large printer which I named HAL. While in a READY state, it put out a lot of heat -- enough to keep me warm. Problem: it went into idle mode quickly. To wake it up, I wrote a script called "firelog" which would address the printer, and the fan would kick on. A few key clicks, and...instant warmth!

Now, my co-worker -- I'll call him Dave -- was somewhat jealous of my relationship with HAL. If he wanted heat, he had to get up and stand next to HAL, first asking me to type the command for him. One wintry day, I ended up working at the other end of the building for several hours. When I returned to my desk, Dave was furiously typing on my terminal.

"What are you doing, Dave?" (see, told ya' I'd say that)

"What was that command? Firestarter? Woodlog? Firewood?"

I answered by reaching over to the printer and pushing a button. The printer hummed to life, then said, "Dave, what are you doing in my Master's chair?"

Okay, I made up that last line. The rest was true.

This one is not unique, but is the most extreme of its kind in my 10 years of tech support experience:

(M)e: Tech support, may I help you?

(C)lueless: I can't run my report.

M: Which one? I'll pull the menu options up...

C: The daily schedules. (she walks me through menu options)

M: Okay, I'm there, I'm running it....runs okay for me.

C: Well I need to run it to MY printer.

M: Try it again. Are you getting an error?

C: No...but I'm actually not looking at it right now.

M: Okay, go ahead and log in and try to run it.

C: I can't.

M: Why not? Forget your password? (usual reason for embarassing non-disclusure)

C: NO.

M: PC won't boot? (less common, but usually admitted to).

C: No...I'm locked out of my office. Can you come over and let me in?

M: Um, I'm in East Texas, and you're in Dallas...

C: Okay, never mind, I'll just ask someone else to run it. You could have told me you don't work here!

One of the first computer problems I had to deal with as a new techie was also my 'now I've seen it all' experience.

My boss traveled a lot and took his laptop with him. Whenever he traveled to Chicago or some such Northern state during the Winter, his laptop would not boot for at least an hour. This put quite a damper on the demos that he was flying in to give, often with little time to spare. After one of these trips, he handed me the laptop and told me to take it to the local authorized dealer to diagnose the problem.

I drop it off, explaining the problem, and after a day of diagnostics, they call and say there's no problem. So I give it back to my boss and say there's no problem. He's pretty mad, hands it back, and asks if they put it in the freezer. I said I didn't think so. He said to take it back to them and have them do this.

So I bring it back and ask them to put it in the freezer. They refuse, saying they would be liable if it ruins the laptop. I insist. Still they refuse. I ask to see the manager. He comes out and I explain the whole thing. He grabs the laptop and puts it in the staff freezer saying he'll call me tomorrow with the results. He leaves the thing in all night. The next day he calls and says, sure enough, it won't boot. He warranty replaces the hard drive.

I never told my boss about the 'over night' part. But it worked after that...

10 years ago, I had just started in the tech support biz, and that fact had become known to my next-door neighbor. She was an odd old bird -- nice enough, but totally paranoid. This conversation started because she told me that she had to cancel her internet account due to security reasons:

Me: It's not that bad, really. Just make sure you don't give out personal info, and hang up when you're done. (remember those days?)

Her: The government can log you back on and get your private info.

Me: Then don't store personal info on your PC. Do you?

Her: No, but they can get it anyway.

Me: Then just turn off your PC when you're done.

Her: They can turn it on again.

Me: Then unplug the modem phone line from the wall when you're done.

Her: They can re-attach it.

Me: No, I don't think that's poss...

Her: Oh, yes it is, you have no idea!

Me: Okay, then how do they do it?

Her: They have these beams that go through walls and can move stuff around and x-ray it and all.

Me: No, we haven't gotten that to work yet...er...I mean that doesn't sound possible...

Wide eyes, door shut, and then that was the last time she spoke to me.

My boss bought himself a lovely digital camera and asked how he connected it up to his computer to download pictures. Knowing, from previous conversations the age of his system, I told him he would need to buy a new system to cope with downloading, editing and storage of his pictures.

He rang around and got a few quotes and then came and showed me. I looked at them and told him that he didn't need a 3d graphics card. For what he wanted to do, the onboard video would be fine.

Anyway, he went and bought his system, allowing himself to be talked into the 3d card and I later heard him telling someone that he would be connecting up his camera and using his 3d graphics card to "edit" his pictures!

I left him Clueless but happy!!

This one is 3rd hand, but I believe it to be true

My brother did software support for a large paper-making company. The following took place between his co-worker (C) and a new secretary (S):

S: Something's wrong with my computer. The little cursor thingy keeps moving to the right. Then it stops further down the page. I start over, but it just keeps happening.

C: Have you tried re-booting? (Thinking it was a buffer issue)

S: Yes, but it didn't help.

C: Okay, I'll take a look at it.

Sure enough, it's happening when he shows up. He sits down in her place and the cursor movement stops. He asks her to sit down again, and it starts again. Suddenly he sees the reason.

C: Why don't you take a break -- I'll work on it, and by the time you're back the problem should be gone.

The secretary leaves. The techie lowers the keyboard tray about 6 inches. Secretary returns, sits down, and the cursor doesn't move. "Thank you so much!"

To save her from embarassment, he never did tell her that she was larger chested than most, and she was 'resting' on the space bar!

Okay, I will admit that I don't know what a COOS Bay (Sp?) server is...

I even tried to look it up on the internet, but can't find it. Anyway, my local ISP/server host has one, and they are quite proud of the fact. Has a gajillion byte drive and can run any O/S on the planet. It can replace my back-up tape drive (which has failed). All I need to do is push my hosted server backups there instead of writing to tape. So this is how it goes:

M = Little old me, ignorant in all matters

C = COOS Bay Lord God and Commander of...Me

C: What you need to do, see, is issue the 'backup' (plus switches) command on your SCO server and that will send your backups to my (trumpet blasts) CO-CO-COOS BA-BA-AY SER-SER-SERVER (those were echoes).

M: SCO 5.0.5 doesn't have the 'backup' command.

C: Yes it does, I have a highly paid consultant telling me on very good authority that in fact it does.

M: Well, I have both the commands listing, and an "I just tried it and it doesn't exist", authorities telling me it doesn't. I also did a 'find' on the server, and it's not found.

C: And now I'm telling you that it's there. Just set it up and when my guy is here next week we'll get it going.

M: I'm not going to argue with you. I'm going to tell my supervisor that we're at an impasse and she can decide.

C: She'll tell you the same thing. It's a very common command.

So I tell me supervisor. She has been 'wowed' by the COOS Bay talk, and doubts my every word. "Just try it", she says. So I try it, to humor her. I also do lots of research. I suppose some 3rd party software probably uses the 'backup' command, but it's not standard. The following week the jackas- ,er, ISP manager calls back:

C: So you got it all set up?

M: No, not possible. Let me talk to your consultant. We should probably use rcp, or ftp, or mount a partition on your COOS thing to my SCO (...Interrupted)

C: I don't know why you're being so stubborn. Just do it.

M: Okay, I just did it. It says "not found sh".

C: Then get me your supervisor on the phone. This is ridiculous. (I transfer him, gladly).

A bit later, my supervisor says she can't understand why I'm being so contradictory. I tell her it's because I'm being given fictional instructions. She says this ISP guy is VERY knowledgable and I need to find out how I'm misunderstanding his instructions. I say 'okay'.

I never called him back, and found another way to backup the system. Life went on without the aid of a COOS Bay...go figure.

I can't remember if this was 2nd or 3rd hand information. But it provides an important life lesson even today...

A roommate of mine in college told this story: he worked as a sysadmin in a computer lab in, probably, the late 70's. There was a printer that was starting to fail, and the department head refused to fix or replace it. Budgetary reasons.

Now remember, back in those days, printers were more like typewriters. Literal letters pounding on ink-soaked ribbons (I've just lost everyone under 20 y.o., right?). This particular printer was made up of several balls in a row that each contained the alphabet and other characters. They would normally just jump in and print, left to right, as needed. A smooth-flowing choreography of spinning and tapping spheres.

The problem was that these spheres were wearing out, and the output was messy, so students and professors were complaining. So my roommate wrote a program -- basically a printer driver -- to repeat itself thousands of times, sending all 5 or 6 spheres rapidly crashing into the paper at the same time, over and over, for hours. It was a night job.

The next morning, the department head opened the office, and discovered the printer out of place, smelling like smoke, and unable to print. He immediately put in a requisition for a new printer. And he never discovered what really happened.

How would you accomplish that today?

A PC is involved in one step of this embarassing evolution of moving images, so I think it qualifies for this forum...

When you adopt from overseas, often you receive a VHS tape of your prospective child. Well that's kind of old-fashioned, right? So when my wife and I received a tape of our future pride and joy, we did the following:

We took the tape to a local camera shop, where they converted it to DVD. We placed the DVD in our PC and watched it over and over. Suddenly I got an idea. I got out my camcorder, played the 2 minute clip on the PC, filmed it and voiced over it a bit. Then I put the 8mm tape into my VHS adapter and played it on my VCR.

I was very pleased with the results until I realized what convoluted steps I had taken. At least I didn't take digital photos of the TV screen (actually, I snapped shots of the PC screen)!

I've never refrained from laughing in a client's ear when it's an honest misunderstanding, and I always share the joke with them. Well, almost always...here are several:

(M)e: That server comes with 2x18GB SCSI drives...

(C)lient: Well, I'll go with the Scuzzi ones if they're enough cheaper than the good ones, but...

M: Looks like Barbi is the one hogging the system, I'm gonna kill her...

C: Hey, now, I'll tell her, it's no big deal...

C: Well I've got quite a bit of experience with Informix' Distributed (sic) Server, so I can assure you that it's compatible with Oracle's database.

M: Oh, really? They didn't mention that in my classes. Fine, YOU configure Dynamic Server, and let me know when that database is on-line...

M: Well that's not going to work because you don't even have TCP/IP configured...

C: Tee-za-jooza-wha? Two can play that game...

C: You know, the Central key, to the left of the Alternator key...

M: Oh, you mean the Ctrl key, right?

M: Do you know SQL?

C: No, but I know Sequel, so I could probably learn...

This one never goes un-corrected, and I pronounce it both ways, depending on my mood. And to this day I don't know which one is right:

M: Well it could be more cost-effective to install Linux (rhymes with 'sinus').

C: You mean Linux (rhymes with 'linen'). If you can't pronounce it, you probably can't support it.

M: (actually from my brother) ...Okay, now type '0'.

C: Is that the 'letter' zero or the 'number' zero?

M: Okay now make a copy of that diskette, and mail it to me.

C: Do you want me to copy both sides? Can I place them on the same sheet of paper? (sometimes it's just done without the questions...sometimes faxed...)

M: Press 'Start', then 'Run', then type "cmd", as in "charlie-mary-david".

C: Okay...I'm there...do you spell Charlie with a 'y' or an 'ie'?

And my favorite:

M: Oh, apparently a daemon is kicking that off...

C: (with all sincerity) Very funny! If you don't know what's wrong you don't have to make stuff up! And I know it's you running that print job!