Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I just went through a week of shuffling through Microsoft's website, trying to find out why my IE v.7 (Windows Home Basic) shut down sometimes when I try to open more than one window -and _absolutely_ will not let me open three or more. And complains by shutting down. It's not my net provider -checked that, even had to download fresh software because of an unrelated problem- and Earthlink stays active even when IE is gone to bed.

Guess what? If their posted advice doesn't work (which it hasn't) you gotta PAY for a real person's help. $59.00 for one e-mail!

Normally I don't have many compaliants about Microsoft -and I think Bill Gates and his wife are rather nice people- but COME ON!

I'm a moderator at the Darwin Awards site (where many lusers may wind up on) and we often get repeats of submissions.

Now, when a story has just broken/hit the wires, that's no surprise. After all, if two moderators haven't seen a story and voted, it won't show up in the slush or reject piles. And if the first two disagree, it can take five (or more!) votes to get a tale thru. (Unless "Darwin" herself takes a hand.)

BUT...when a story's been out for two weeks/six months/a bloody-flippin'-stinkin' YEAR -why don't people use the search functions? It's not that hard: enter three/four keywords, check/uncheck particular boxes, badabing, badaboom. If you're not careful with the keywords, might take another try. But it's NOT that hard AND there's buttons and fields for the search functions all over the site.

The Rules list and the Submissions page both specify to Search before submitting. The Submissions page has a question "have you searched" with a BIG "No" button and a tiny "yes" button. And the moderators are _constantly_ reminding people to search both slush and reject piles, esp. if the story is more than two or three days old! AND YET...

Right now, in the reject pile, we have multiple (40+!) copies of different stories that broke three or more weeks ago. A couple stories are more than a couple months old, and at least one is a year old! A search would've uncovered this. But no. People see these online or get them in their email boxes and submit them without running a search or checking the date. OR...most people, when submitting, use a title that more or less describes the contents. So, going to the piles and scanning the titles -not even an in-depth search- is often enough.

These gotta be some of the same people who don't plug in their machines, hit the monitor button and complain their computer's crashed, don't know how to right-click, etc, etc, etc. GOOD GRIEF!

Thanks for listening to me rant. :)

(No names are mentioned to protect the gui...er...stupid)

Okay, first off I'm farly kowledgable about computers so I got roped into tech support at college.

Now there was this guy who had a rich father, who bought him anything he wanted. Including a new notebook.

So guess who got roped into installing it? Yep. We got it set up and I said I'd help him fix any tech issues.

BIG MISTAKE...

He wanted to speed it up and had read about overclocking. He's a gamer, so he posted on a bunch of forums and got the same message every time...he then posted on a forum I'm on, and got the same message again.

So, in his infinite wisdom, he (along with Red Bull), decided to overclock the notebook. So he gets a new 3ghz processor, manages (IDK how) to get it in and working, then reads that a guy in America got his up to 12 gigahertz. So he tried it.

Our chat went like this

M = Me

H - Him

M: What are you doing?!

H: Making it faster...like I wanted

M: You got told you cannot upgrade a notebook. I dunno how the f**k you got a 3ghz CPU in there....

H: I soldered it

M: WHAT?!

H: On top of the other CPU

M: Oh God...

H: It works. I got 4.8 gg CPU now!

(At this point the system locks up)

M: Nope, it just locked up

H: Huh (he hits it)

M: ...(I walk off at this point)

A few days later...

I came back to the dorm after class to find him googling overclocking. Suffice to say, a few days later his notebook quit working

Years ago I used to work in the tech department of a large chain store. One morning an older gentleman came in and asked if we sold "pickle files." Thinking I had misheard him, I asked him to repeat himself, and sure enough, he was looking for "pickle files." I told him I wasn't sure what he meant; he clarified by saying that because he didn't know what they were, he deleted out every "dill" file he could find and now his computer doesn't work.

Needless to say it was very difficult to not laugh in his face.

In my third quarter at the local (and overall wonderful) community college, I opted for a MS Excel class (1997 flavor).

Now, the college's policy at the time was this: the teachers were given a schedule. As long as everything on it was taught by the end of the quarter, the higher-uppers didn't care about how any individual teacher taught their particular class. 99% of the time or so, system this worked. [It helped that the students got to anonymously evaluate their instructors at the end of the quarter. ;)]

UN-fortunately, the Excel teacher I had was the other 1%.

The student syllabus was passed out with 8 3.5 disks that contained the spreadsheets we'd be working on. The syllabus clearly stated we would have to turn in two parts to all assignments: one to show we got the answers right, and to show we got the _coding_ right. (Cell CE + Cell CF = ?, etc.)

Warning #1: Our dear Mr. Teach said we would not have to turn in the coding sections 'since you can't cheat at this.' (???? Can anyone say 'calculator' and 'manual entry'?)

Warning #2: He spent about ten minutes of class 'teaching' and the rest (of an 1 1/2 hr. class!) talking/griping about either his other job at Weyrhauser or his time in the Air Force. (They wouldn't let him reenlist, apparently. I wonder why, as clueless as this guy turned out...)

The disks came in several different colors. Four of mine were orange, and on the fourth assignment, I accidentally reprinted the second. (That's what happens when you don't check disk labels!) I didn't realize this until AFTER I turned it in, so on Monday, (assign. due Thurs, no class Fri.) I printed out the correct assignment and hustled to his office to see if I could salvage my grade.

Warning #3: Before I could say more than 'Hi', he handed me the assignment -with an __A+__ at the top! AND congratulated me on my good work!

!!!!!!

Of course, I just HAD to mention this to my 14 other classmates. (Moron-teach was always AT LEAST ten min. late.) Everyone agreed to prank -*ahem* test him.

(Transferring was out; the only other class was full.)

By the end of the quarter, everyone who cared was learning from the textbook. The teach received whatever was handed in and ALWAYS gave A's and B's -even to an 'assignment' that one girl made up from scratch, containing NONE of the curriculum. Most of the rest of the time we spent goofing off on our computers -internet, whatever- while he was 'lecturing' on what we were supposed to be doing. (I kicked some serious rear in a MUD I joined.)

When evaluation time came around, _his_ grades stunk. I wonder why he wasn't retained? ;p

And I still can't get a handle on how MS Excel actually WORKS.

My dad's pretty computer savvy. He can use MS Word, handle email, look up sites, type address in the address bar, etc., etc., etc. I don't have to hold his hand, and he stays away from doing stuff that can freak out or damage the computer (and we both don't touch .dll anything!). Not bad for a guy who fought in Vietnam.

So imagine my shock when I told him I was emailing him a couple of Wiki links (4 cats + 2 kids = paper notes getting lost) and that, courtesy of **hoo, he could either just click on the link or cut/copy and paste.

He says, "How do you cut and paste?"

Now, I've SEEN him cut, et al, in Word, with the little buttons to help. He also know what right-clicking is and about the menus that pop up when you do that. AND he remembered how to open attachments after only one walk-thru. So I tried to explain it.

He said, "I'll never remember all of that."

So I included instructions for cut/copy & paste in the email I was sending him.

I'm not sure if I'm crazy about the idea of having a license to get a computer -esp. if it costs- but I do think a test, correctly identifying basic hardware and sofware items, IS a good idea.

In 7th grade, and again in 10th, we were given a first-day-of-class lecture on basic computers, hard and software. Basic Keyboarding and Basic WordProcessing still used DOS (some version that was near impossible to screw up.) We didn't see Windows 3.11 till 11th grade.

The next day we were given a test. No one was allowed to touch a computer until they passed 100%. Hardware: Picture of computer, monitor, etc., label correctly (including drives). Software: Remembering what we were told the day before, including WHY you do/don't something. If a person couldn't pass after five class days, they were dropped.

The basic skills required were no more than needed for various basic operation of an computer. Even tho a test today would have a CD instead of a 5.25 drive, and other changes, a basic skills test does make sense.

This came to Systems but probably should be redirected.

Work request from [name removed to protect the poor guy] in CATALOGING:

Ticket Date: 2009-04-20

Ticket Time: 13:32:28

Ticket Description: The printer next to Jane's desk needs a new cartilage. Does Systems still provide us with cartilage for this printer?

Hmm, should we send an orthopedic specialist?

Except when it comes to computers.

I used to work for a major supplier of GP systems. We were doing very well in taking customers off several major competitors. However, there were always a select few who didn't like change. Some of these guys probably hadn't really got used to the typewriter.

Anyway, we sold a system to a large GP practice. The drill was that the engineers would install the system and a few days later the system trainer would do their bit.

Now, we knew very well that GPs were incessant fiddlers, so the system was locked down in a rather devious way until the trainer had done their bit. So were a bit surprised to receive a call from a very irate GP.

This new system was useless. Absolutely bloody useless. Why the hell had we wasted our money on buying it?

???

After we'd got him down to specifics, it turned out that he was annoyed that the keys on his keyboard weren't in alphabetical order. This guy was a GP, remember.

Well, we explained that just about every keyboard in the Western hemisphere used the QWERTY layout. That didn't go down well, and he rang off seriously peeved.

The next morning - while the system was still locked down as the trainer wasn't due until later that day - he rang up again in a state of near-apoplexy. The system was worse then ever. He pressed one key and he got something else. None of the keys displayed the correct letter. The numbers were OK but the letters - useless! Absolutely useless! What sort of supplier were we anyway?

We logged into his system over the modem (this was before the days of broadband) and monitored his terminal. It turned out that this genius - a doctor, remember - had prised the keytops off his keyboard and replaced them in alphabetical order.

I gained immense respect for the lad taking the call as he didn't piss himself laughing. That's more than I'd have managed.

It's not so long ago that updates and patches were sent out to customers on floppy discs (ask yer parents, young 'uns). We stuck with 5.25" discs (ask yer grandparents, young 'uns) for quite a while. I once had the pleasure of sending a 5.25" disc to a customer. The drill was that they would stick the disc in the machine and we would then dial in and process it.

So I got the call. She hadn't done one of these before. So I explained carefully - hold the disc with the label uppermost under your thumb, slide it into the drive until you hear a click and turn the lever clockwise 90 degress until it stops.

OK, she says. Now what?

I dial in and try to read the disc. Up pops a, "drive not ready" message. Uh-oh. I try again and again. No joy.

So I guess that maybe the disc wasn't properly inserted and ask her to take it out and try again.

"I can't," she says. "It's gone right inside the machine."

Eh??

I ended up having to go out and see them. Nothing major, just a 600 mile round trip(!) When I got there, all became clear. Their machine had a big tower case, and she had slid the disc into a tiny gap between the drives. Fortunately I had my toolkit with me. And a lot of practice in keeping a straight face.

This call had me pannicked from the word go:

Me: IT help desk **** speaking can I take

your name please?

Cust: **** Browne (silent E pronounced Brown)

We have a wild card of but in this case I thought

not to use it as brown would be easy to find and

indeed I found a few but beofre I could enquire

further...

Cust (irate): before you ask I am not in scottland

I am from England.

I noticed all the accounts are scottish accounts.

CRUD!

Me: errr...have you got any previouse tickets with

us as I can not find your account on the sytem.

He gives me a ticket and I find out his name is

Browne with the silent e on! thanks for telling me!!

Me: How can I help you ****

Cust: You have lost all my work!

Me: Excuse me?

Cust: you have lost all the work from my drive! and

I want it back.

Now I asked for his server details but he wouldnt

give them to me could not remote to his desktop so

I sent it onto our tier2 team who have better

remoting tools than tier1 as this sounds like a

simple server pointing fix. I thought this was the

end of Mr Browne.

After an hour our two I hear a college really upset

after she had been insutled at and been told very

rude thing by Mr Brown calling back. I woundered why

has he come back? surly tier2 would have resolved his

issue by now?

Much later on another colleage of mine got the user

on the phone and by this point his name had spread

around the office! She quickly got onto a team leader

who Mr Browne complained to at leanth. This is a

simple fix for us to sort out why wasnt it dont

right away?

I got in contact with the tier2 agent that delt with

the issue who told me Mr Brown hung up the phone after

he was asked to tell the agent what server his drive

was on him but not before firstly declairing that it

was not on any server and saying that everyone on the

help desk have been conspiring agganst him! Turns out I wasnt the first, a few days early he was asked for

server details of another colleage and again he said

that he didnt have a server. We watch out for him now.

Morel of the tale: if you think IT is conspiring aganst

you dont tell them that! because they will do from that

point on!!

Years ago, back in the days before most people had internet access, but after computers were used for complex print graphics work, I worked for a company that decided it would be cool to set up a data line so that our customers could have their modem dial our modem and directly upload files to a server in our shop. We even gave them modems to use.

Since I was A: Lowest on the Totem Pole, and B: a Geek, it was decided I'd be "the computer guy," and handle any tech support questions from our customers about uploading files to us.

One day, I get this irate caller. The conversation goes something like this:

M = Me

C = Caller

C: This stupid modem you guys gave me doesn't work.

M: I'm sorry, I'll try to help with that. Let's see if we can figure out exactly what's wrong with it...

C: (cutting me off, mid-sentence), The stupid thing doesn't work, that's what's wrong with it!

M: Okay. First, does the modem turn on?

C: Yeah, the stupid thing turns on! It just doesn't work.

M: Okay, and you've got all the cables still hooked up, right?

C: Yeah, all the cables are hooked up. Here, let me just show you what the stupid thing does.

M: Uh, okay... but how are you going to show me...

(I am cut off by the hideous screeching noises of a modem dialing into my ear, followed by a disconnect)

A minute or so later, the guy calls back

C: You still there?

M: Yes,

C: See what the stupid thing just did? Did you hear that?

M: Well, yes sir, it sounds like you tried to dial out with the modem on the same line we were talking on, while we were talking.

C: Yeah! Every time I'm trying to use the phone, if I try to use the stupid modem, it doesn't work right!

M: Sir, you can't use your phone to make phone calls on the same line that you are trying to have your modem make a phone call.

C: That's stupid! Why not?

M: Sir, can you make a phone call on that line, and have someone else make a different phone call on that line to someone else, using a different phone?

C: No.

M: Well, your modem can't either.

C: Well, that's stupid. I'm not using this stupid thing any more.

And he hangs up.