Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

Working for a large internet ISP, I once got a customer that taught me the valuable information that not all devices on a network have a MAC address. We had a procedure which involved reprovisioning the cable modem, which required us to verify its MAC address.

Me: Ok, sir, I will just need the MAC address on the back of the cable modem.

Customer: Mine doesn't have one.

Me: If you look on the backside of the cable modem, you will see a label with a 12-digit number with letters and numbers.

Customer: I'm telling you, iut doesn't have a MAC address

Me: All the devices we supply have a MAC address, just like every device connected to a networ-

Customer: Actually, smarty pants, I use a PC -- not Apple. So there is no MAC address.

Working IT support in the corporate office of a mid-west pizza chain, I got a call from a gentleman in the personnel cepartment. Everyone in the building has a laptop with a docking station connected to a seperate keyboard, mouse, network connection, etc.

Him: I can't type anything! I think my laptop must be fried!

Me: Are you getting any kind of errors?

Him: No, but my laptop i smaking this constant dinging sound -- you know, like when you hold down a key that doesn't work. The mouse still works, though.

Me: Sounds like you might have a messed up keyboard. I'll be right over with a replacement.

I walk over to his desk with a new keyboard for his docking station ready to go and discover that there is a binder sitting on his laptop keyboard. I remove the binder and the dinging stops (naturally). Problem solved. He was embarassed and asked that I not share this with the rest of IT -- which I couldn't resist doing anyway.

I had a computer that the USB ports that would allow me to get into BIOS, but when I booted into Windows, the USB ports would not work. The first thing I did was make sure the USB ports where enabled in BIOS. Sure enough they where. So I decided to chat with Dell Tech Support. After you chat with them, they send you a transcript of the chat. This is the actual transcript:

NOTE: By the way, the system only had USB ports, no PS2 port for a keyboard, or a serial port for a mouse.

System: "Thank you for choosing Chat support. The next representative will be available to assist you shortly. While waiting, check some of our self support options above. No fear, you won't lose your place in line!"

08/05/2008 01:40:26PM URL Shown: "http://support.dell.com/support/topics/global.aspx/support/chat/en/chat_crashanalysis?c=us&l=en&s=gen"

08/05/2008 01:40:29PM Session Started with Agent (WPD Robert ########)

08/05/2008 01:40:29PM Brandon Jones: "Service Tag: ####### WPR Tracking #: Tech ID: ###### Questions: USB ports work in BIOS, but not in windows"

08/05/2008 01:40:32PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Thank you for contacting Dell Warranty Parts Direct. My name is Bobby. While I take a moment to review your question and pull up the service tag or WPR information you provided, can you confirm your phone number and email address are up to date?"

08/05/2008 01:41:08PM Brandon Jones: "IT is"

08/05/2008 01:41:13PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Thank you for waiting Brandon. I have your account information available. I am showing this Service Tag (#######) is a GX620. The warranty expires on 07-04-09. Is this correct?"

08/05/2008 01:41:32PM Brandon Jones: "It is"

08/05/2008 01:41:36PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "May I have the name of the company the system belongs to?"

08/05/2008 01:41:54PM Brandon Jones: "####################### ######################)

08/05/2008 01:41:57PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Do they work in safe mode ?"

08/05/2008 01:42:09PM Brandon Jones: "I have not tried"

08/05/2008 01:42:47PM Brandon Jones: "I am trying now"

08/05/2008 01:43:05PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Usually if the ports work outside of the OS, but not in the OS, then its going to be a software issue which would require a OS reinstall."

08/05/2008 01:43:37PM Brandon Jones: "They do not work in Safe mode"

08/05/2008 01:44:00PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "You may try reloading the Desktop System software and the chip driver, but otherwise it would need the OS to reloaded."

08/05/2008 01:44:46PM Brandon Jones: "There is not way to reinstall the chip set , so I will just reinstall the OS"

08/05/2008 01:45:12PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "I'm talking about the chipset driver"

I meant to say chipset driver, but I think he thought I meant the actual chipset on the motherboard.

08/05/2008 01:45:21PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "That should be able to be reinstalled"

At this point I thought, oh great. But then I thought, maybe Robert knows a way to install the chipset drivers some way other than in windows. Maybe copying them to a bootable USB drive, so I ask:

08/05/2008 01:45:28PM Brandon Jones: "How?"

08/05/2008 01:46:11PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "By going to support.dell.com"

Go to the Internet??? What was my original problem again??

08/05/2008 01:46:35PM Brandon Jones: "The mouse and keyboard will not work in windows"

08/05/2008 01:47:17PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Oh ok, that would make sense that you can't, then yes I would go with the Reload."

08/05/2008 01:47:22PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Is there anything else that I can help you with today?"

08/05/2008 01:47:42PM Brandon Jones: "That is it"

08/05/2008 01:47:58PM Agent (WPD Robert Snook): "Thank you for contacting Dell Warranty Parts Direct Chat Brandon. You will receive an email copy of this chat session at the email provided. Just in case you haven't seen it, warrantypartsdirect.dell.com contains more than just a venue for chat and"

&nbsp ordering parts. You can also check the status of your request, check your performance, find troubleshooting hints, find part numbers, and much more. Please feel free to provide your feedback on this interaction by emailing my manager Brian Vickers at br

&nbsp ##########@dell.com. Have a wonderful day! Your session ID is : ############

I'm a college student; this story was related to me by a friend attending a tech school.

At said tech school, this past year, she had the responsibility of overseeing a shop, specifically, one dealing in computer assembly. As anyone who has ever assembled a PC can attest, the task isn't that complex and it's only gotten simpler as time has passed. Inserting RAM, in particular, has been easy as pie for a LONG time. RAM is notched so it can only be inserted the right way into a socket supporting that specific type of RAM.

Enter the problematic student in my friend's shop. The kid, apparently, is unintelligent AND thoroughly unpleasant. Even the nicest students and teachers at the school can't stand him. By the time he got moved to my friend's shop, he'd already been removed from two other shops for doing various stupid and, in some cases, malicious things. The administration moved him to the computer assembly shop in the hopes that he wouldn't be able to screw up too badly.

Well, he couldn't do anything malicious, but he could still do things that were stupid. My friend happened to be overseeing the shop at the time of the incident, along with another student there. They're allowed short breaks, and after dealing with the kid for a while, she decided to take a break. The other monitor was apparently too busy doing something else to notice what happened next.

My friend had been trying to show the kid how to insert RAM into a computer using a dummy system. After she went on break, the kid moved over to a real, working system and tried to insert the RAM into that computer. His problem: he was trying to insert it backwards. Apparently it never occurred to him to simply try the module the other way. But our intrepid hero was not to be deterred. Rather than simply giving up, or calling over the other instructor, he proceeded to locate some solder and an iron and soldered the RAM into the socket backwards.

By the time my friend got back 20 minutes later, the computer (apparently one of the best ones they had) was ruined.

My dad was previously attempting to take a photo of a bunch of computer stuff he's selling on Craigslist. He noticed that the batteries were low - which was preventing him from taking the photos - so he turned the camera off and took out the batteries.

I noticed him staring at the inside of the camera in horror and asked "Dad, what's up?"

He told me in an annoyed voice that "those stupid 1-use alkalines" were corroding the inside of the camera. I asked him if he knew why and he said "Well, it usually happens after I charge the batteries."

I told him that usually 1-use batteries are meant for 1 use. He laughed and said "oh, I don't worry about that, I recharge these more times than I can count and use them for all the clocks in the house."

and I often wonder why every clock in our house is often showing a different time.

Later, he asked me about a file that appeared on a computer that I never use, and that he knows I never use.

This is the honest and faithful retelling of my conversation today with an over caffeinated, screamy customer who ignored our advice and suffered some data loss, like they do

I am FLC, she is OCSC

FLC: OK so what would you like me to do?

OCSC: I want you to take my QuickBooks files off this hard drive and onto my other hard drive.

FLC: Why do you have two QuickBooks files?

OCSC: One for invoicing for my employee and one with my banking info so that my employee didn t screw around in my banking.

FLC: OK that makes sense it s not the recommended way to handle that, but it s a valid work around.

OCSC: Now the employee is gone and I want you to combine the two files.

FLC: That s not possible, unless you do some custom programming.

OCSC: Intuit said I could.

FLC: Did you ask about moving or merging?

OCSC: moving

FLC: OK, you can move the files from computer to computer but you can t merge them.

OCSC: I NEED TO

FLC: I know you want to, but since you established the accounting in separate files they will stay that way.

OCSC: why?

(FLASH FORWARD TO ME TRYING TO EXPLAIN FOR FIVE MINUTES AND HER GETTING PISSED, YELLING AND FLUSTERED AND 30,000 WHYS)

OCSC: WHY!?!?!?!?

FLC: Because they are coconuts

OCSC: (finally quiet) huh?

FLC: OK, you started out with an invoicing coconut on this computer and a banking coconut on this computer, right?

OCSC: uhhhhhhh. I guess

FLC: OK, and you asked Intuit if you could put the two coconuts in the same drawer or computer and you can. They were right. But what you wanted to communicate, was can you take the two coconuts and smash them together to make one larger coconut, right?

OCSC: RIGHT, I think we re communicating now.

FLC: OK, What happens when you smash two coconuts together?

OCSC: They break and get milk everywhere?

FLC: Exactly And do you want to get milk all over your hard drive?

OCSC: No. I guess I ll start using my invoicing coconut and manually enter all the transactions from the banking coconut.

FLC: I m sorry, I know it sucks.

OCSC: It s ok, I should have gotten that new equipment when you said so

FLC: yeah, but I would never tell you I told you so.

OCSC: I ll listen now.

I worked for...lets say a green fruit, on Technical Support.

(M)e

(C)aller

Ok, after the usual greeting and verify warrantee, we get to the meat of the problem

C: When i install iTunes, there's no agree button for the agreement.

M: Are you sure? It should be on the bottom right...

C: Definitely

M: Is there a scroll bar to the right?.

C:Uh, yeah

M: Click on it and drag it down.

C: Oh. Ah.

M: Yes. Ah.

On another call, with the EXACT same issue.

M: Ok, so even after scrolling down, the agreement button is not there?

C:No, its not. This is crazy. I want a new copy. (Not realizing that software doesnt deviant that much)

M:OK, minimize it and...

C: What?

M:The button that looks like a flat line on the top right of the screen.

C:Ok, now what...

I went to his properties. Guy was running 800x600 resolution on XP. :/ and couldnt see the whole of the agreement window....

Other beauties...

Guy calls up, complaining that his battery on his notebook has died after three years, and now a replacement/refund. Apparently, he believes that rechargeable batteries should last indefinitely

A guy rings up, stating that his XBox 360 wont join his network. I assume he has an Green Fruit base station, And I ask which model he has. He doesnt have an Apple station. With some trepidation, I asked 'Do you have any product from Green Fruit?'

The ensuing 'No' baffles me.

M: Why did you call Green Fruit support when you dont have an Green Fruit product?

C: Oh, I thought Microsoft and Green Fruit were all the same company....

Indeed...

M: So you cant install this product?

C: No, I cant find the .exe file....

Windows, because it infects us all.....

C: Ok, I want you to ring me back immediately.

M: Sorry, Miss. I cant do that. We are strictly a Ring In Line.

C:But I was promised Free Technical Support!

M: This support is free..

C:But Im paying for this call

M:......

M:......

M:Miss, I havent taken any credit card details, and we arent charging you anything for the support that I am providing..

C:£$$%^%$& sake!!! I'm paying for this call!!!

M: How you pay for the use of your phone, Miss, has nothing to do with Green fruit...

This was quite possibly the most frustrating call I have even been on, This woman couldnt log into her gmail account, and in fact couldnt use the internet. And it was all the Macs and Green Fruits fault.....

Anyway...

As all of us in TS know, dealing with customers can be frustrating. However, dealing with companies can be far worse.

I received a call from a nice women who was having trouble connecting to the internet. After some steps, I found that she could ping any site, but the browser wouldnt display it. Yup, DNS problem. I asked her who her ISP was. Somewhat perplexed, she replied, 'You are'.

It turned out that she had initially rang the ISP, who told her that they would put her onto their Green Fruit department. They then put her on hold, and blind transfered her onto our line.

I felt sorry for they girl, and plunged around the web for the correct DNS and got it working....

When you are dealing with new customers that are new to something (EG:, Not Windows) its amazing the one line that they would often repeat:

'Oh, I bet if I was using XP, it would be compatible'

Apparently, their 10 year old printer is a valuable child to their family....and so it Windows 98...

C: 'I cant find Internet Explorer!!'

M: You see on the bottom of the screen, theres a symbol like a compass?

C:Yeah....

M:Click it.

C: ....Oh. Ah.

M: Yes. Ah. Please read the manual

However, the following is quite possibly the funniest call that has ever happened to me...

First of all, let me give some background on what working as a support agent is like, to those that have never worked in a call centre.

Ignore those ads that you see on TV, with happy smily people chatting to happy smiley customers. No one is that anal. More than likely, you have a cheap, bust up headset, head on desk posture. Your hands are either:

A)Hovering over the mute button, waiting to unleash a torrent of abuse at the too-stupid-to-live-customer.

B)Frantically trying to get the attention of a colleague who is going to the coffee machine.

C)Idly typing. Not your problem, but checking their latest email.

D)See A, but this time over the Drop button.

E)Engaged in a very complex hand language conversation with your call neighbor.

F) None of the above? Then we are actually trying to solve your problem.

Anyway. The call...

I get this youngish kid who had just brought a few of our products, and had a few problem to iron out. No biggies, just some security issues (PW's ,authentication, no worries..) While this was on, I found myself doing option C. by this point, I could walk through these problems while playing tetris and beating my teams top score...

So, fixing all that he had one more request....

C: Ok. Thank you so much...Now i have one more issue..

M: No problem.

C: This is slightly embarrassing that I have to ask..

I rolled my eyes, thinking that he needed help with setting up an email account, or some other. Maybe Mail? Nope.

C:You see, I quite like the ladies...

M:.....

With this line, he had my instant attention. I bolted upright in my seat, and with a mixture of B and F, brought over as many people as I could to my desk.

C:Oh you should see me, I'm bright red. Well, I quite like these sites, but I can't access them anymore. Is there a problem with compatibility with Green Fruit computers??

Doing A, and I burst out laughing. After some rather polite conversation, we find that his parent have enabled Parent Control. I tell him somberly that he must take to his parents to fix this problem.

I could almost hear the frustration in his voice as he pleaded for me to find someway around it. However, this was well outside of my Scope of Support. And inside my Sense of Humor.

And finally.

I understand why customers have horror tales from calling TS. I have seen some incredible howlers from both sides. But if you ever wonder my we can be so wired and taunt maybe this might help you...

Time Machine is a piece of OS X software that backs up your system automatically. Quite a handy bit of kit. However, it needs a dedicated volume, to itself. Most people get an external hard drive, and use that. Fine. Excellent.

However, the first time it runs, Time Machine formats the volume, to make sure it's in the correct format. Obviously this destroy anything on said volume. And then it works away fine. When you engage Time Machine, it comes up with a big windows that says along the lines of: WARNING. THIS WILL ERASE THE DISK YOU HAVE SELECTED. ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU REALLY SURE? OK? GOT IT?.

You cant make a mistake. Or so I thought...

Walking into work, I pass a work mate, who is sitting back in his chair. Even from here, I could hear the customer screaming down the phone. After a few minutes, my mate puts him through to Customer Relations. Curious, I asked him what had happened.

The guy had placed his ENTIRE college project on an external volume...and then had run Time Machine. Instead of doing A->B, he had done B->A. And blamed it entirely on Green Fruit. Yes, it was out fault you didnt read the BIG FREAKING MESSAGE!!! It was our fault that you didnt have your own back up first. Just like its our fault for Global Warming and the extinction of the Dodo.

And thats the crux of the matter. Technical Agents deal with these people ALL the time, so forgive us if we seem a little strung out. When irate customer come though to us, WE become the company. It's OUR fault the cable broke, its OUR fault you cant use a computer. Its OUR fault your machine is 15 years old and is not compatible with your brand new camera. the person you are speaking to on the phone?

Yes, it's ALL their fault.

Just some background on the story.

I have a laptop, had done since i was about 10, im now 13.

Not being big-headed or anything but i do know my way around computers, ive built one, run a server, have used Windows, Linux, Mac, and Unix to some degree.

So when i had my laptop I was ecstatic. Then, the problems came.

It was a Hell Inspiron 9100. Numerous problems, eventually got a warranty replacement, a nice new Inspiron 9400.

This has problems too, yes, I think im jynxed.

Wireless started playing up, phone up dell etc etc.

I get told that they only support WEP encryption with Wireless G. I thought thats wrong.

So it goes on, and me trying to prove to him its not the routers fault as all my other computers that can connect wirelessly are fine with the wireless.

Then, I cant quite remember the story, my apologies, but he basically called me a liar. And ofcourse, my mum wasnt happy.

My laptop, is ok now, but I'll probably have some more problems in the future.

Moral : Don't call Indian call centers, I have nothing against them, they're just trying to live, but just dont get a Dell, whatever you do. Its script stuff.

It just made me laugh, the engineer that comes out who i have grown friendly with said my laptop is jynxed and reckons I (well mum) should get a refund.

Just goes to show that even the engineers dont think they're very good.

I know a number of you complain about users who think they know something... A little knowledge can be dangerous, because everyone thinks they know everything. I don't claim to know everything, I did spend three years studying computer programming, and was something of a tech savant before that. I gave up programming not from being unable to cope with the programming but my personal inability to cope with the mentality of programmers... I probably should have switched to IT.

I should point out that I only believe a few things: Murphy's law, Place not thy faith in an Ace kicker, and a labor saving device rarely is.

With that preface, here's the story:

I bought a new "Hotorola" 2210 DSL Modem as part of my DSL package, stand-alone, no phone line, which causes a slew of problems (is the number you're calling from the number that is having the problem?... no). That aside the modem itself seems like its overheating, which cuts out the internet periodically, I base this theory on the fact that the house I'm living in has no AC at the moment, that the modem seems hot to the touch, and that the modem works fine when its cool, for a goodly amount of time, but when its hot it tends not to work for more than about five minutes. But, since I'm certain that I don't know everything I decide to find out if the heat is the cause or the effect of the problem. So I call Tech support at... lets call it HA&L (no, not IBM, for those who get that joke) high speed internet support. So bear in mind I've already tried all the connections on the modem, unplugged it, reset it, all SOP when something is like this is messed up, everything that is, short of changing the user-name, password, or any of the default settings that I don't understand(though I did browse the modems menu, using the default system diagnostics, etc).

So, tech support:

I spend five or ten minutes fighting with HA&L's new voice recognition system which is supposed to sort you for the techs, despite the fact that it seems to forward none of the information it gathers from you TO THE TECH!!! After I finally get it to admit that there are live people who might be able to help me I sit on hold for.. say another ten minutes (on my cell of course, no worries though I have tons of minutes)(ironically cell phone is with the same company). having been on the phone for twenty minutes without talking to a real person is frustrating, but to have you call taken by a tech who uses the script instead of their knowledge to deal with your problem is even more so. I start out by telling her that my internet blinks out, it works fine for a while then quites, then comes back, but all the cables are connected properly, the settings haven't been changed and the modem itself seems hot to the touch, which I think might be the problem.

Tech: Ok, I need you to open IE on your computer.

Me: will FIREFOX do?

Tech: No, it must be IE

Me: Alright (opens IE) its open

Tech: ok, start typing these numbers into the address bar: 192....

Me: (thinking: oh, she's going for the modem screen, 192.168.etc) got it, (read off the whole number to her).

Tech: ok, on i need you to go to the main screen and lok for your username and password.

Me: ... ok, its here

Tech: I need you to type it in again

Me: ....... ok

Tech: And the same with the password

Me: ok.(this isnt neccesary)

Tech: does it work now?

Me: Yes... (it was working when I called)

Tech: ok, now that I've addressed your Issue is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: No, no, if this solves the problem (it wont) then thats everything I needed. Thank you (for nothing really, I'll find another solution)

Tech: Well it was my pleasure dealing with your issue and I will e-mail you a few links to help you deal with any other similar problems.

Me: Thanks again. Bye.

(this is the short version, I was on the phone with the woman for thirty minutes)

I do try not to be rude, I know they have a list or a script (as in this case, she kept repeating herself, unnatural sentence structuring), and I know that everyone can make mistakes such as messing with a plug or something, but honestly sometimes I just wish there was a way to get tech support from someone who understands the material, isn't reading a script, had English as their first language (mainly because it makes things easier, fluency is not the same as familiarity) and LISTENS to what the customer is telling them.

Better yet, I keep wishing for an easy way to get to Tier 2 tech support, because for a number of us Techies, if we call tech support, there is a damn good reason, not a silly mistake. Of course if there was such a way people would abuse it and nothing would get done. So I'll wait and try again, to see if there is anything to do about my overheating modem.

Its so tempting to play the really stupid person who calls tech support and puts the modem in water to cool it off... I wouldn't actually do it, but I know a few of you are cringing at the thought. Anyway sometimes its the tech support that fails not the customer.

P.S. when did a problem become an Issue?