Tales From Technical Support Content
I was working for a tech support outfit that operated 56k support all over the country. I get this call from a old man from North Carolina.
Customer: "yer Internet ain't working, I stuck the disk in there and it ain't doing a thing"
Me: "Well Sir, we can do everything that the disk does manually, just take the disk out and we will take care of it."
I hear the disk slide out and then
Customer : Ya'll be Quite back der I can't here the Man Speak"
SHEEP :"BAAAAH,BAAAH"
We've all experienced one or another variation of the clueless user before, but I have a relative who puts quite a unique spin on it.
Shortly after this relative moved her computer desk, she called my husband to fix her scanner. It wasn't working, no lights, nothing. Seemed broken, except that we had a hunch it wasn't. So several times, we both inquired the obvious -- if she was sure it was plugged in securely. She always answered, "Of course, I'm not an idiot!"
Well, history begs to differ. This scanner was somehow crucial to her latest half-baked moneymaking scheme, so after a couple weeks of freaking out at us, she flew us to her city to fix the scanner. Within 30 seconds of our arrival, my husband grabbed the scanner's power cord, plugged it into the wall, and the scanner works, imagine that. Her response? "Oh, I didn't know there were two cords." A forgivable error, really... except we found the power cord so quickly because both cords were a molded part of the scanner. How she missed that, I'll never know.
I've been in tech support for ISPs for the last couple of years and have heard many an apocraphal tale. This, though, I assure you is true. I was sitting next to him and heard his side clearly.
A good friend of mine working for a major ISP in australia took a call from an older gentleman who was clearly completely computer illiterate. To compound matters he had his grand kids there (he had only got the computer and the internet to amuse them while they were staying with him) and they were making a racket in the background.
The old man complained to my friend about the noise and the fact that he couldn't hear the instructions so my friend suggested he tell his grand kids to go out to the shed and fetch him the blue bucket with the white stripes. The old man, slightly confused, proffered the fact that he didn't have a bucket fitting that description. My friend pointed out that this was the point. The old man swiftly turned to the children and bid them fetch him this non-existant bucket; they dutifully obliged.
With the noise gone and the old mans thanks out of the way my friend continued with getting the old timer back online. The old man repeatedly relaying the fact that he hated the blasted things and would be quite glad to get rid of it.....and here is where my friend left me, and the old man, in stiches.
As is oft the case with people that are computer illiterate, the old man asked what he was supposed to do know that it was working. My friend advised him on how to open Word, change the layout to landscape and increase the font size. He then advised the old guy to type (using phonetics) F-O-R S-A-L-E. The old timer reading what he had just typed enquired what this was for....My friend advised that when the kids left, to print it out and stick it on the front of the PC.....after a few seconds for it to sink in I could hear the old guys laughter through my mates headset and his heart fealt thanks to my friend was the highlight of the day......
That's for you Joker, we all miss you and the laughs you gave us. R.I.P. wherever you ended up I am sure they are laughing.
This is a Russian text with the title "what would have been if people drove the cars the way they work with computers". Sorry if there are translation mistakes - I have little car knowledge.
Tech support call.
Tech: Driver tech support. How may I serve you?
Driver: This My car doesn t start.
T: I see. What is the car s brand name, model, manufacture year?
D: I Don t know. I bought it to get to the market, why would I give a damn
T: Alright, alright, relax. Let s try to fix it without this information (sigh). Is there any fuel in the tank?
D: Hmm Fuel, you say How would I know?
T: look at the control panel. Where does the arrow point, E or F ?
D: Where is the control panel?
T: It should be tight behind the steering wheel, if you are sitting in the driver s chair.
D: Ah! I see... There are a lot of arrows here, which one should I look at?
T: Look at the one which has E or F written near it. There might be a gas station drawn near it as well.
D: Ahhh! I see. The arrow points at zero.
T: What do you mean zero?
D: Yes! Right at zero. And there is also x1000 written near the arrow. Is that the model of the car? X-1000?
T: (a deep sigh while rolling his eyes). No, that s not the fuel, that s the tachometer. It is supposed to point at zero if the car is not started. The fuel indicator is usually to the left and smaller that the tachometer, and it should have E written upon it, then a semicircle, then F .
D: Ahhh. I see, I see! The arrow is between E and F
T: Excellent! Then we know at least that you have fuel. Now let s check the battery. Do you see the steering wheel?
D: Yeah.
T: Press right in the middle of it
D: (A loud beep) Hey! Is it supposed to do that?
T: (rolls his eyes). Everything is allright, that s your honk. If it works, then the battery is fine. Now let s try to start the car.
D: Well, damn, I m telling you it doesn t start. That s why I m calling, moron.
T: (grits his teeth), Still, let s try again! Press the clutch pedal, press the brakes, and turn the key.
D: Hey-hey! From the beginning. Where is this catch pedal ?
T: CLUTCH under the steering wheel on the left. Did you find it?
D: Found it.
T: Press it down as far as it goes. Good. Now, do you see two pedals under the steering wheel to the right?
D: Yeah.
T: the one on the left is the brake. Press it. Did you?
D: Done.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: How would I do that, if I have both hands busy?
T: Excuse me?
D: I am pressing with the left hand on the catch, the right hand on the brake, how the hell am I supposed to turn the key?
T: (chokes from laughter). Allright, let s try again, but this time, press the pedals with your feet.
D: Feet? Is that possible?
T: (still chokes from laughter). Yes, it is.
D: Let s try Hey, that s much easier Why didn t you tell me right away?.. (some fuss is heard). Allright, I pressed it.
T: Now turn the key in the ignition.
D: Where is the ignition?
T: In the base of the steering wheel, to the right.
D: Hmmm. I have the hole, but there is no key there.
T: Well, put it in.
D: What?
T: (loses his patience) The ignition key!
D: How would I know which one is the ignition key?
T: (grabs his head) It is usually the biggest key in the bunch.
D: The bunch.
T: Yes, where you keep the rest of the keys.
D: Ahhh! Well, I lost it two days ago. So what, I need a key?
T: (throws down the receiver). Beeeeep
D: Hello???
I sat through most of a beginning CS course as part of a requirement for my CIT minor. We "learned" the basics of HTML and Javascript, and a few things about computers in general.
Through the course of discussion in the classroom, my professor decided to tell us all about the autosave function built in to the Microsoft Office suite. She told us how great it was for this feature to be included, that it would protect your work in case of a power outage, and that it would autosave documents every few minutes so you didn't have to worry about saving it yourself.
Then she said something that left me dumbfounded. She said that all of this works through a built-in battery in the computer that, within a fraction of a second of your computer losing power, would save your open documents before losing power completely. And that this battery was only available on the "higher-end" Macintosh computers.
It was all I could do to stifle my laughter. And even though myself and several other students tried as hard as we might, there was no convincing her otherwise. I was tempted to ask her to open up her computer and find the battery, but decided to leave it alone after that.
I work at a small business. The IT support is handled by an outside company on a monthly fixed price contract, and any additional services are handled at an increased cost.
Recently, we had a major server issue which goes back to backups of data not being done regularly, if at all.
As a result, rather than admit to a c*ck up, the owners of the business decided to blame the staff and internet usage for this. As a result, they decided that noone needed internet access and so they would block it almost entirely. Except, some applications NEED internet and web access, so these would stay on a few computers.
The IT support company would charge the business for this as it wasn't just maintenance. Fine.
How did they do it? Well, they simply set up a proxy address for each user to 127.0.0.1. Some staff figured this out and removed the proxy. Next step, privileges were reduced to next to nothing, then the proxy was set up. Fine, but still some staff figured out a way round it. The IT support guys, which seems to consist of someone who has read a Dummies book and a high school leaver, gave up at this point, after having spend 2 weeks full time on this. Total bill - $8000. Total achievement - Nil.
I was then subsequently asked if I could find a way to sort it out, as the most tech literate employee - and I'm not that up to speed!
I asked to be paid for it - fine, as long as I got it sorted. My price $2500. Owners said it seems reasonable given what the others charged, but I wouldn't get paid unless it was fixed. OK.
20 mins on the router config and it was done. Best rate of pay I've ever had.
I can't believe that some people who call themselves IT professionals couldn't even figure out how to block web access!
One of the ones I always tell is the time at my old employer I was called out by the head accountant first thing one morning.
She'd tried to print and her Deskjet printer was dead, well, I got the old "I have to print this urgently" story and plenty of impatience.
I then fixed it in two seconds with the highly technical procedure called "pressing the on button".
