Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I work helpdesk for a computer store/service point.

One day a semi-computer-litterate man called, and asked if we could help with his computer turning off after a while.

after quite a lot of troubleshooting (overheating, powersupply, loose cable, windows etc etc)he brought it over. It worked perfectly on the bench.... We send it back, customer calls again. I get the customer to disconnect everything but keyboard and monitor, and it seems to be working, until the guy calls again a few hours later.

I'm getting seriously pissed now, as there a several other, and less annoying things, I had to do. I decide to drop by. When i get there I open the machine and check every single wire, the power supply etc etc. Nothing.

I decide my day is ruined anyway and decide to sit out the inevitable short (At this point I start wondering why this thing still works) Nothing happens. The customer explains that it only happens when he's away. "hmm that's odd"

Suddenly, a thought comes to me, check the power settings, it's simply going to standby. nothing, just set to turn of the monitor after 10 mins.

But to my amazement, after not touching the computer for 10 minutes, it does indeed loose power. I give up, I call a coworker and ask what could be causing this. he laughs and says "just check his power strip" and hangs up. So i check the power strip.

After a full seven and half hours of work, I finally figured out the problem. A ****ing standby killer. The cust plugged the monitor in the primary slot (with the huge label saying "computer here") So when windows turnes off the monitor, the standby killer cuts power to the whole strip.

I'm still trying to find out who's the idiot in this story, Him for ignoring the full manual, the big cardboard tag and the icons on the strip itself. Or me, for not realising people never look at those things, or checking beyond "is the power cord secured properly"

When I first started learning about networking I got a job as a student assistant in a computer lab at the local anonymous community college (Rancho Cucamonga, CA).

There were about 40+ computers in this lab, and only one of them had access to print to the jet-direct attached HP printer (they didn't want everyone to have access to printing, but I couldn't comprehend this at the time). I tried adding the printer to the other computers and it just wouldn't work due to security settings.

I decided to take it upon myself to share the printer on the only computer that had access to *fix* this problem.

Non-server Windows only allowed 10 connections to that printer, so I got about 10 installed, THEN reshared one of those (a share of a share of a share by then) and so on. Pretty soon everyone could print for about a day and I was a hero credited for my genius.

This spider web of printer sharing started backfiring over the next few days as some days they could print and other days they couldn't (depending which computers were on, but nobody made that connection). Needless to say I got my first dose of networking humility after the real I.S. department came to fix my mess.

I don't believe it - not only has the user I'm trying to help locate a document no idea where she saved it - she doesn't even know which PC she is signed onto and what username she has used. i can't think why but putting me on hold now might mean I "loose" the call!

A friend of mine bought a compaq from wally world and got it set up no problem by following the instructions (something I have learned the hard way to ALWAYS do). He got the internet set up through his cable company and it was working fine...at a whole 12KBs.

After talking to his tech support(comcrap,which wouldnt help him at all since they didnt provide his internet service, and his cable company) and asking them to increase the speed, they told him the problem was on his end.

So he asks me to help him out. After turning his computer right I see a somewhat related problem: it takes a whole ten minutes for it to boot up. After messing around a bit, increasing his virtual memory and other stuff, I cant figure out for the life of me why his internet was so slow.

Fast forward a few months. My friend has had other people come over to try and get to to speed up, with no luck.

After literally the 50th time of booting up his pc I decide to decrease his boot up time. I ask him what programs he is using and I delete everything else, to the point where it looks like a computer after a raw install of windows.

I hop on the internet. Wow, that web page loaded fast. Try to download a 5 MB movie. Click download, look out the window for 3 seconds,look back..its done. His internet is now working at 300-500KBs...

Death to all trial software!

This is the transcript from a live chat session between me and a certain company s Technical Support based in India or wherever. I obviously changed names.

Abdul: Hi, thank you for contacting Anti-Virus Company Live Technical Support. My name is Abdul. How may I help you?

Me: I was attempting to install Software Security Bundle 2006 and had a fatal error in the middle of it. I have tried to uninstall using Add/Remove Programs, plus your Removal Tool and Manual Removal Tool. I am unable to uninstall the product to try to reinstall again.

Abdul: I understand that you are not able to uninstall the Software Security Bundle 2006 program.Am I correct?

Me: yes

Abdul: I ll be glad to assist you with this issue. Do you receive any error messages?

Me: I received a fatal error while attempting to install the product for the first time. The Anti-Virus Company support site said to close all programs and try to reinstall. When I try to reinstall, I get the same error. So, I tried to uninstall to start all over and can't.

Abdul: May I know the exact text of the error message you are receiving?

Me: Error: "9999,171 The installation encountered an error and is unable to continue" when installing your Anti-Virus Company program

Abdul: Please note that this issue can happen when there are corrupted Symantec program files residing in your system.

Me: so how do i remove them?

Abdul: Inorder to resolve this issue I suggest you to uninstall and then re-install the Anti-Virus program.

Me: That's what I'm trying to do!

Me: Add/Remove Programs and your Removal Tools aren t working

Abdul: I will send you an email shortly, containing detailed troubleshooting steps to be

followed. If you face any difficulties in following the steps, please get back to me. I will be glad to

assist you further

Me: Will your e-mail have instructions other than those?

Abdul: Please note that the email contain a number of steps which you have to follow in order.Ensure that you follow the steps correctly.

Abdul: Yes.

Me: send it please

Abdul: Okay, thank you for contacting Symantec Live Technical Support. Have a great day!

He immediately disconnected. The E-mail arrived two days later and basically only told me to use Add/Remove Programs to uninstall the product. Also, there s no way to get in touch with a specific Tech. You get who answers and they can t transfer you to your previous Tech. Like I d want his help again anyway.

C-Yours truly

G-random girl

F-Friend

1)C-What's your problem?

G-Well, I need help inserting this disk *points to jewel case*

I open the case, nothing inside but the manual

C-There's nothing inside!

G-where

C-Where's the disk?

G-Isn't that what the disk is?

C-No, that's the case.

G-What is?

...

years later

F-I can't get this floppy disk inside the PC!

C-There's nothing but a DVD-ROM drive on that one.

F-So?

C-you can't put a floppy in this PC unless you buy a external drive for it

F-where does that go?

:|

C-The USB port

F-Well where is that

:(

C-*points to port* there

F-:O

>:(

F-How much are those

C-[insertrandomnumberhere] dollars.

F-I guess I'll just buy a Flash Drive.

He'll probably want to know where the USB port on his PC is.

>:O

I'm not a techie, but I think it would be fair to describe me as a techie manqué. Unfortunately as a teenager I got too good at languages and literature to be allowed to study computing, which was a lesser subject in the eyes of my headteacher.

Even so, I'm still the most computer-savvy in the house (mum, dad, four-years-younger-brother and me). This means that, when Dad messes something up, he'll come to me-- and has been doing so since I was about eleven.

A couple of things you might find entertaining...

(1) Don't Read This, Trent!

Dad belonged to a mailing list, back when the world was young and our computer still used Windows '95. The sub-admin, or whatever they are called these days, was a man named Trent.

One day, I find Dad chuckling at the computer. "This man's told Trent not to read or reply to his email," he told me. "Doesn't he know they have to read all the mail on the list?"

For some reason, I got a horrible tingle at these words.

"Dad, let me see."

I took a look at the offending email.

Sender: Shaun

Subject: DO NOT OPEN THIS EMAIL, IF YOU HAVE OPENED ANY MAIL FROM THIS ADDRESS DO NOT SEND ANY MAIL, TRENT.

Wait a minute... Trent couldn't delete mail from the list but he could adjust subject lines...

The message wasn't FOR Trent. It was FROM him.

We ended up having to run a program of my uncle's to remove a non-deadly, but quite nasty, virus.

And then send the same program to half the mailing list. Who'd done the same thing.

-----------

(2) Still got a long way to go...

When I read this site, I tend to think I'm pretty smart. However, a few days ago I moved back to college from home, taking my laptop and network cable with me.

Computer started up nicely, which was a pleasant surprise, as it's been known to crash nastily on hooking up to the college network. In fact, only one problem... no Internet.

Now I'm a 'net addict of sorts. If I can't check my email, feed my virtual pets and talk to my friends every couple of days I get jittery. So I began to worry.

I tried all the things you're meant to: I rebooted twice, checked the cable was securely attached at both ends, clicked Repair Local Network Connection several times, tried leaving the thing for two hours in case it was still travel-sick. Eventually, I gave up and went to the IT office, who said they'd send a technician.

Flash forward to the following morning. Fifteen minutes before the techie is due to arrive, and still no Internet. I double-checked everything one more time. Cable securely in computer, check; cable securely in wall socket, che--

Hang on.

Unlike my room last year, there isn't just one wall socket. There are TWO, both the same size and shape. And what was the one thing I didn't try?

Plugging the cable into the other one...

When the technician turned up quarter of an hour later I told him casually that "the connection seems to have come back up overnight." I don't know what the extra socket might've been for, but I couldn't face being his latest TechTale.

I would like that say that this site hits very close to home for me. I am currently an employee for a large northern retail chain and I work at the Help Desk. In supporting various equipment from Cash Registers, to Computers, to LRT Guns, the list goes on, but I hear many of these same scenarios as previously listed. Here's one of the most memorable...

This is MY Computer!!!!

I received a phone call from a Store Manager and the HR rep on speaker phone. Not my favorite way to talk to users since it tends to break up, but I gave it my best shot. The HR machine had crashed, and while it was being rebuilt she was using the Store Manager's PC. No biggie, they were able to work out their own schedule and seemed to be fine with it. The following dialog is b/w Me (Me), the HR (HR) and the Store Manager (SM).

Me: ...And what can I do for you today?

SM: Well, we are having a problem.

Me: Ok, I will try to help you fix it any way that I can. What's going on?

HR: Well, my machine is down, and I have been using the SM's machine in the meanti...

SM: (Cutting her off) The PROBLEM is that when she logs out so I can use the machine, HER username stays in the blank. This is MY computer, and I would like it to change so my username is in the logon box. How can we fix this?

Me: The computer will keep the username of the person who last logged in successf...

SM: (Cutting me off)WELL I have been TRYING to log in for the last 20 minutes, and cannot get in at all.

Me: Ok, let me check your account to see if maybe you are locked out. (10 seconds go by) I have checked your account, and everything looks to be in order. Would you like me to try changing your password to see if it will let you in? (This works 9/10 times).

SM: NO. I like my old password, and I'm not interesting in changing it.

Me: (Gently) I can try changing it to your existing password if you like. Could I have that password, please?

SM: NO. I don't want you to change my password, even if it is to the one I've been using...

Me: ??? (Looks blankly at the screen)

SM: Are you looking at the screen right now!?

Me: Yes, I can see your screen. (I had pulled it up through my viewing tool, and I see her continuously trying to log in with a PASSWORD THAT ISN'T WORKING!!!!!)

SM: If this won't let me in, then can we at least change the username so it will always know when I'm logging onto the machine? (Note how she completely ignored the above mentioned solution to the problem...)

Me: M'am, there is no way that I can do that for you. If you were to log onto the computer successfully, then it would retain your username in the logon bo...

HR: (Cutting me off) LOOK! It did it again! I'm still in there! Ha - haha!

SM: This is rediculous. This is my computer, and I should be able to use it whenever I want.

HR: (Chuckling Loudly in the background)

Me: You can take out the other username by clicking in the box and clearing it out. You will then be able to enter in your credential inform...

SM: HMPH! This stupid computer isn't working. THIS IS MY COMPUTER!!!! I'm going to go try to log onto another one. Thanks for being a lot of NO HELP! Send this over to a tech so that they can fix my computer to let me in.

Me: (Sweetly - ) Ok, I can do that for you. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

HR: No, Thanks!

SM: NO!

*Click*

Needless to say, this was definitely an interesting call. I did send the issue over to the LAN group, and they called her and wanted her to change her password, too. She finally complied, and when the HR got her computer back, there were no more "logging on" problems. If there was a way to make her computer "that" personal, then it's just something our LAN wouldn't do anyway... To this day, I bet the Store Manager still thinks that we "fixed" her machine so it will "only let her log on..."

>>Thank you for calling tech support, how may i help you today?

==i just registered a dialup account and i just paid for my account and i installed the disc but when i tried to connect it wont connect me.

>>Do you get any specific error message?

==i dont get any message

>>Ok, i will assist you with your concern. Ok, i see that you dont have any modem installed in your computer.

==Oh i didnt know that i need a modem for a dial-up internet

can i just cancel my account.

I work at the Help Desk for a northern US retail chain. We take calls from store associates who are needing help with inter-store functions.

One day, I received this call from a frantic associate (A):

Me: Helpdesk, this is (Me). What can I do for you today?

A: I can't send an e-mail to my customer! They needed some rebate information, and I was supposed to e-mail her, but I can't get this message to go through! Please help me!

Me: Ok, m'am. May I connect to your computer?

A: Sure! Do whatever you have to! This is a very loyal customer and I don't want to lose her for not being able to send a stupid e-mail!!!!

Me: Alrightty, I am looking at your screen with you now. Please try to send a new message to your customer.

A: (In a huff) I've tried this 30 times already, and it's not working, but I'll show you anyway...

As I watch her moving the mouse around the screen, she opens Internet Explorer and frantically types in the customer's e-mail address into the address bar of the Web Browser. After seeing what she's trying to do, I ask her.

Me: M'am, do you have a company e-mail account?

A: Well, yes.

At this point, I wanted to smash my face into the desk repeatedly.

Me: Could you open Outlook for me?

A: (Confused) ...Sure?

Me: Ok, now let's open a new e-mail message.

A: ....

Me: Now, please put that e-mail address into the blank next to where it says "To:"

A: Why are we doing this? I use this to e-mail people in the company. I need to send this message to a customer who's NOT IN the company, which is why I was logging into Internet Explorer since that goes outside of the company.

Me: ??? M'am, if you are opening Internet Explorer and typing in someting in the address, it will try to view what you're putting in as a web page. It will not send an e-mail unless you log into a webmail site like Hotmail, or Yahoo or many others. If you want to send a message to anyone whether they are in the company or not, you are able to do that from the Outlook program on your computer.

(Our company isn't set up with webmail of any kind)

A: Oh, so I can use Outlook to send a message to anyone, anywhere? Even in Japan if I wanted to?

Me: Yes. Just compose a new message, and enter in the address in that box.

A: Oh, I thought that anybody outside of the company had to be reached through the Internet. Thanks! That's very helpful.

Me: No problem, m'am.

ARGH!

I used to work as a field tech for [nation's worst broadband provider] Fixing up people's lines and setting up the basic programs.

I'm called to a place we will call Nowhere. This town wasn't in the car's navigation system, nor was it on any map i carried, so i make a call to the office. No clue where it is, so I call the customer. Turns out, Nowhere is a town of exactly seven houses near Bigtown.

Upon arrival, I'm directed to the pc and begin installing software, setting up the modem and router and then proceed to fix up the line. I ask where the cable acces point is, Customer shows me, I set up the line snap in the connector aaaand...nothing.

A call to the office confirm the line is set up on their end and everything works. it does. I ask the customer, this isn't sattelite or anything is it? (wouldn't be the first time a cust wants cable internet on their sattelite.) it's not.

Third call to the office, I need some help here. We check a load of stuff but the problem remains: The line is set up properly on my end (i'd better be, i checked three times) One last check later confirms that the line for customer nubmer ### is ideed set up properly for Randomstreet 123, Bigtown, postal code 1234AA.

Wait a second...

I ask the customer why their account says they live in Randomstreet 123, Bigtown, postal code 1234AA, while they're actaully in Nowhere?

Here comes the most brilliant reply, which is now included in our FAQ and has become a running gag in the hallways.

looking very guilty, the customer answers:

"Well, when I checked our postal code, it said that broadband wasn't available, so I filled in my sister's postal code in Bigtown. I know i'm not supposed to cheat like that, but I really wanted cable."

I used to work for [The worst broadband provider ever] as a fieldtech, laying out the cables and installing everything on the customer's machine.

Some background:

- The customer in this story opted for full installation.

- I'm dreadfully allergic to anything small and hairy

the first thing i notice is this huuuge guinee pig pen, it took up half of the room, holding at list a dozen small, furry, allergy inducing rodents.

Oh well, i think, best hurry up and get out of here. I quickly set up everything and proceed to plug in the cable. only, the entry point is nowhere to be found. I ask where the TV cable goes. "it goes under the carpet." figuring I could at least follow that. It leads straight to guinee pig pen. I sweep aside some hay and sure enough, there it is. And old entry point, which needs swapping out.

At this point, my sinus cavities, eyes and lounges are all screaming for me to get out, so I excuse myself. The customer freaks out and demands that i finish the job right now. I answer that "I weally neeb a bweak *snif* I'm nob chawging bor it" Customer get even angrier. After a brief and difficult explanation of my allergy and a blissfull 15 mins of clean air I head back in.

I'd never seen an entry point like this before, it must have predated my grandparents. The new one is never going to fit in the same hole. So I try to explain that i'm going to have to drill and cut a bigger hole, right underneath one of the pen walls, which may not be to good for these big rats, which by now have started to treat my hands as both play object and food.

I suggest she somehow relocate the vermin and someone (read: not me) comes by tomorrow. The customer however feels that "Full installation" should include me emptying half the pen, moving it and putting it's occupants somewhere, then applying powertools to dig up her floor (someone elses roof), install new entrypoint and rebuild everthing. All the while without "disturbing her little babies."

After I refuse, she swears she will cancel our service and lodge a complaint against my "unwillingness to work."

My boss thought I handled the situation admirably, but I really should wait with the "good riddance" until after the door is closed.

A little home story.

My neighbor asked me if I could fix his problem with his company laptop not being able to read his 'flash memory card', even though this machine has one of those multi card reader slots. "sure why not, bring it over"

He shows me a brand new dell, with an SD card in the cardreader, which was to small to hold a compact flash.

I'm thinking that he means the SD and start up the laptop.

"Ehhh, it works like it should. oh and that's an SD card by the way."

"no, not that one. It's about this big (size of compact flash) and says [cf brand]"

"no, it can't read that, because it doesn't fit."

"yeah it does, it fits in the other cardreader, right here"

Other cardreader????

"this one, I guess it's kinda stuck to"

He points to the PCMCIA card slot

His reasoning for putting the Memory card, not in the slot that said "SD/MMC/MS/XD memory cards" but in the slot that said "PCMCIA PC card" was "but the card DOES go into the PC, not the sadamccumsomething"

I used to work on a helpdesk for the military, and we would receive all manner of boneheaded calls from stupid squaddies throughout the week. I think the one that stands out in my mind most, though, was the following:

We received a call from a chap who was trying, unsuccessfully, to manipulate some SQL on-screen. So we asked him to send in a screenshot in order to figure out what he was doing wrong. "Screenshot...right.." he said, and then all was quiet for a good half-hour period.

What then happened to drop into our inbox? Yes, that's right - a JPG image, taken by our intrepid soldier with his trusty digital camera, of the screen. Even better, he had left the flash on so we couldn't see anything. Even better than that, he had left his thumb in the way of the photograph anyway.

I think that was the only time I managed to snort coffee out of my nose from laughing so much.

This anecdote was told to me by one of my college professors. I'm not sure where he heard or read it, but it's a true story.

A man called his computer tech support complaining that his computer would not boot up.

Tech Support: Have you turned the computer and monitor on?

Annoyed Customer: Of course. I'm not an idiot. How do you think I know it's not working?

Tech Support: Is the power light on?

Agitated Customer: No. Like I said, there's nothing.

Tech Support: Are you sure the computer is plugged into an outlet?

Frustrated Customer: I don't [I]know[/I]. I can't [I]see[/I] it. Our electricity is out.

Apparently, the man thought the computer's battery would allow it to run during a power outage.