Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

Cust: Your Internet-server with my site on it is offline.

Me: No, it's working fine, I'm looking at your site right now.

Cust: No really, and your own server doesn't work either.

Me: Really, just before looking to your site I checked ours. The servers are working fine.

Cust: Well, explain me why I get these error messages?

Me: Have you tried another Website? Please try www.yahoo.com or some other popular site.

Cust: Ehrm, okay, oh, sorry, I see, my modem is not switched on. Sorry.

Click.

I work for a major ISP supporting connection and email. I recently had a guy on the phone who had rang up to complain about all the email we kept sending him "SPAM, I think you call it" he says. Knowing that we only send out the monthly newsletter plus important announcements to our members, I proceeded to investigate.

Me - Can you open Outlook Express please...

Member - Outlook wha???

Me - Outlook Express, sir, its on your desktop

Member - My desktop???? what do you mean?

Getting slightly miffed, I remembered my training - Never assume anything

Me - OK... *Deep breath* On your computers screen you will see lots of little pictures called icons. One of these icons will have an envelope with a little blue 'e' on it - its called Outlook Express....

Member - *Long silence*........ but I don't have a computer - never had one...

Me - *SHOCKED* well, ahem, how are you recieving email from us???

Member - From the postman

Well, jeez, from the postman - of course!! silly me!

I thought about it that day and the only explanation I could think of was that he'd received some promotional mail through the post

I didn't take this call myself, I was told about it - it may have already been posted here. I would have though it was a Technicians Urban Myth until I read some of the stuff here.

Guy rings up Tech Support cause his computer is going 'Beep Beep' every so often. So it begins.....

The technician trys everything he possibly can with help from half the other techs in the building. He eventually reinstalls Windows. But still 'Beep Beep'

The tech is weary, his call time is about 2hrs 30mins and the customer is about to be referred to OEM, when the customer pipes up and says..

"Oh, its OK .... I've found out what it is..... I forgot the batteries were low in this smoke alarm, so I put it in the top drawer of my desk until I could replace them ... thats whats going 'Beep Beep'

At this point the tech reaches down the phone line and strangles the customer until hes well and truly dead!!!!

The only relation this really has to computers is that it took place at a major computer company. Several years ago I was an admin in the Human Resources dept. and was stuck with the mind-numbing task of handwriting "B/XXX (the building), MS (for mail stop) P911" on about 1,000 self-addressed no-postage-required-if-mailed-in-the-U.S envelopes. (These were handed out with the employment applications.)

Wouldn't you know we got several back with cover letters that started out "Dear Ms Pall...." Now granted, my handwriting isn't especially nice, but up until then I'd thought it was at least sort of legible.....

And yes, I think at least one of them actually got hired....

I work for a large call center at an area we call the Bridge. It is not technically I/T (mostly call routing and results analysis), but we get a lot of calls from LAN users who don't know the Help Desk's number.

One evening (late) I got the following call:

Me: Bridge this is Nathan

Caller: Yeah, I'm having some trouble you may be able to help me with.

M: Sure. What's up?

C: Well, I'm having trouble logging on.

M: To the mainframe or to the LAN?

C: Both (Not good)

M: Is it a password error?

C: (Pause) Do you have the number for the Telecom On-Call?

M: No, but I.T. would have that. I have our staff, but not I.T. (Pause) Have you tried calling the Help Desk?

C: Um...I am the Help Desk.

The other day I spoke with a woman who had a severe printer problem . The first thing she said was there was nothing wrong with the printer itself as it had worked just fine until she got her new computer.

Following standard procedures I had her first do a self test on the printer ( if I hadn't the call could have lasted for hours). It failed the self test as the printer wasn't getting any power. I had her test her power cord. After five minutes of explaining what the power cord was it was determined she didn't have one. She was certain she had never had one so why would she need it now? It had always worked before!!. The only thing she needed was the "cable".

The end of the story , her daughter had lost the power cord.

Working for an ISP (not doing techsupport) I send out the information to our customers that they need to know to get access.

Looking at this every day, I thought that it would be easy for me to setup my account after reinstalling windows. I type in the username password and phonenumber, but when I make the call, the server didn't respond. After checking everything I gave up and called our support. I got our 1. level support and we quickly ran over the things to see if everything where setup ok with correct username and password. I told him that I've typed everything in correctly. I knew what I was supposed to type and I´t was the coorect. Not knowing what to do he send me of to 2. level support. We checked the drivers for the modem. Switch the modem on and off. Rebooted. Did everything possible. Then he asked me what i used for username, password and phonenumber. I told him, and after I told him the phone, I was told that, that wasn't it. I typed in the correct number and then i worked perfectly.

Guess if I was embarrased the next day at work.

This is a story a friend told me when he was working on a tech support line in the UK.

The call was recieved, and the symptoms were that the PC didn't power on at all.

Obviously, the first thing to check was to check all the power was connected properly, but the customer said it had been working fine, and although he had touched nothing, the PC now didn't work. After half an hour of covering every angle of the problem, the tech support guy cracked and admitted defeat, but as a last ditch effort, asked if the pc had been dropped or anything. The customer replied ....

"well.... it was struk by lightening last night..... would that make a difference?"

The technical support department of my company was having a quick meeting when all of a sudden, the support line rang. Our manager put the call on speakerphone.

"Technical support."

"Yeah, I'm having a problem.. I can't seem to find my icons."

"What did you do to them?"

"Well, I'm not sure, I tried to open a program, but I'm just not very good at this double clicking thing.. and I think I might have done something to them.. and I don't know what to do."

"We'll, we're in a meeting right now..."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Anyway, we'll call you back later when we find your icons."

"Okay! Thanks!" *click*

I do tech support for an industrial automation company. The control systems that we sell are programmable via a software package that runs on a pc, and connect to various networks via proprietary NIC's that we sell. One of the most common calls we get are in reference to the PCMCIA NIC, because of PCMCIA services, conflicting interrupts, etc.

I got a call recently from such a customer. This should make us all sleep better, the customer is a nuclear power facility (nameless to prevent hysteria). After spending close to an hour walking the guy thru the install of the product, still could not get 95 to see the card. OK, bad card, right? It happens. Sent new card to the guy, next day delivery. He calls back, same problem.

So I make an appointment to visit. Keep in mind, this is supossedly a programmer, a double-E, and this is also the guy in charge of the Y2K surveys for a major power company. When I arrive, this guy hands me a brand-new Dell laptop (very nice) and a ISA bus network card! Like, the card is longer than the damn machine!

Me: no, sir, we need the PCMCIA card that I sent you.

him: well, that card came in yesterday but I sent it back because you screwed up and sent me the wrong one!

me: no sir, that is a PCMCIA card, designed for laptops. You see, sir, (me holding the ISA card up next to his laptop) this card won't work, it won't fit!

him: oh, i see. well, I think this laptop has an infrared port, can you set it up so that the ISA card will work over infrared?

me: no sir, I wish you had told me from day one that this is the card you had because it would have saved us both a lot of time.

him: you're telling me that I have spent $1100 for a card that i can't use?

me: well, you've already broken the seal, since it's not an actual problem with the card, we can return it for exchange, but there will be 10% re-stocking fee.

him: son, i was in the Navy for two tours on a nuclear powered sub, and have been at this plant for 8 years, but I have NEVER seen a system as over-complicated as the one (my company) sells!

i think he had friends that were in charge of Chernoble...

I was working at a shop where in addition to programming, we provide desktop support to users when necessary. One day I was talking with my boss when his phone rang. A user was having a problem with his number pad. When he typed a number his cursor jumped all over the place.

My boss: turn your num-lock key on.

User: It is on.

My boss: Are you sure? It’s the button to the top left of the num pad.

User: Absolutely certain!

My boss hangs up and I asked him what he thought the problem was. He says “ it’s the num lock”. I said there was no way could anybody be that stupid and we ended up betting $2 on this point.

Needless to say I was $2 poorer. I learned my lesson that day. Never bet against stupidity. You will always lose.

A few years back, when CMOS IC's first came out, it was perty easy to damage them with static electricity.

The lead programmer where I worked had a carpet in his office, and would regularly destroy boards by walking across the carpet and touching them without grounding himself first, no matter how many times I asked him not to.

Because of the design of the boards (very cool running), an easy way to find most of the bad chips was to put my hand on the chips, and feel for the warm/hot ones that had been destroyed by static. He had never seen me do this.

One day I went to his office because "Another one of these damn boards quit for no reason - why can't you design things properly, etc, etc". I walked over to the board, ran my hands over it, replaced the bad chips, and told him to try it again. Of course everything was OK.

He got this really wierd look on his face, and asked how I had done that. I told him that I could 'feel' where the problem was, that I could also 'sense' that he and caused it by not following my instructions, and that I would be checking from now on to see if he did it again.

Never had another board come back bad from him for the next two years I worked there.

Back when I was working for Ass Backwards Technology, I

got a call from someone foolish enough to buy one of our

demo disks - it was policy to sell demos for a 'nominal'

price to keep people from 'frivolously' requesting them

and wasting our resources. The results of this were

predictably dismal, adding to the company's already lousy

rep.

This particular jackass had decided that our product was

designed wrong - and it was, in several ways, but the

particulars were unlike any I'd heard before.

As a little background on this, the products in question

were an office accounting suite, I won't go into details

but there were six different versions tailored for

different kinds of offices. These had all been made by

copying one version and making minor changes to it, one

suite at a time, and now covered a very broad set of

areas and had diverged widely. This, added to the brain-

damaged decision to implement it in Access (which has

no library facility), meant that we had six very very

similar products on six different development tracks,

written in a language that was a moving target. As a

result, some of the details differentiating one type of

office from another didn't get enough attention.

Basically, this person was complaining that the package

for his type of office, which was basically a copy of

one for a related type of office with some cosmetic

changes, was All Wrong, and he wanted to talk to the

Developers.

Now, as it happens, I was not only the one and only bob

for this company (supporting not only this software

abortion, but also a dinky ISP and several network

integration clients), I was also the junior developer

(and assistant sysadmin for said ISP - it was a really

small company, about eight people including the secretary

and ad rep despite somehow having been in business twenty

years). I could see very well what he was complaining

about, and could figure out just what it would take to

make the changes needed - but I didn't have any authority

to make them.

The two people who *did* have said authority never took

calls. They were the senior tech and the owner (like I

said, small). And we only had one voice line, for

everything (*really* small). All I could do listen to him

rant and repeat "I'm just the support person, sir", over

and over again (a small lie, but close enough to the truth

that it made little difference). After I got him off the

hook - an hour on the phone arguing about a product he

hadn't even bought yet! - I stormed into the tech lead's

office and began going over this guy's list of demands,

asking why it wasn't like this to begin with when it was

sure to bring us this kind of grief.

The answer? 'Because'.

Even after two years, that pisses me off...

My most memorable call was from a gentleman who was having a great deal of difficulty installing our ISP's software. During the call, he placed me on hold several times to answer his call waiting, and seemed to have difficulty following basic instructions for checking his settings in Windows 95. I asked him if he had sufficient RAM, and he had no idea what I was talking about. I told him to right click on the My Computer icon, and select properties. He said," I done that, but I ain't seein' no property or nothin" We repeated the that little exchange several times(in between his incoming calls) but to no avail. I thought maybe he really did not have 95 and was flailing away at some 3.1 icon, so I asked,"Do you see a little picture of a computer in the upper left hand corner of the screen?" "Yup, sure do!" he replied. I asked,"What does it say under the picture?" "Click- just like you told me to write, but I still don't see what you told me to look for!" Yes, he WROTE CLICK on My Computer. As I was ready to loop my headset around my neck and leap out the window, he asked if it would be alright if he called back, "cuz his buddies was comin' over" I said,"Sure, call right back, ask for Dave(not my name)" I don't know what kind of little get together he was hosting, but I think we can rule out a Mensa meeting.

This was a call about a week ago 8-3-99

OK... I have done my fare share of tech stuff...

Currently I am in computer sales...

*ring* Pick up the

phone "Store Name, Computer's how can I help you"

Yes I am looking for a new computer... It MUST! have

at least 8MB RAM, and at least 14MB of AVAILABLE hard disk

space, can you guys meet my order...

or...

Lady walks up... Yes I need to upgrade my memory...

OK, do you have any idea how much you want to upgrade to ?

Yes, I need 32k more then I have...

I work for a major office furniture manufacturer on their help desk. You wouldn't believe some of the calls we get every day. I took this one yesterday.

(half way through the call)

me:ok lets restart your computer.

him:ok, "pause" it's shutting down.

m:alright

h:it says windows 95 startup.

m:ok

h:does this mean that I have windows 95.

m:yup. "duhhhh"

h:or does this mean I have office 97.

m: "mute, insert laughter" no sir, you have win 95.

duhhh, whats an operating system?

just found site, nice

I was doing TS for a multinational PC oem a few years ago.

Got call in from woman with screwed up video drivers.

proceeded long job of talking her through a driver reinstall

everything was going 'ok' until I asked her to right click

on something.

didnt understand, fair enough , I explained, clearly

said her mouse didnt have one

asked for oem pn, checked database and same mouse in lab

v.common part. 2 buttons.

explained again, and again, and again

she just couldn't see it

eventually told her to point finger touching the wire coming

out of the mouse, move down middle of mouse 1cm, move right

1cm and press down.

"Ohh that worked" she says

I still think I was on candid camera.

I do tech support for a southern US region ISP and I got a call from one of our more air headed customers. She swore up and down that to get on the internet, she was told to double click on Microsoft Network (later found out her HUSBAND told her that). So she's going through all this junk and I thought she was in Internet Explorer...uh-uh. MSN.

So I get her to go to control panel...here's the fun part:

Me: Ok, click Start, then settings, then click on control panel.

Her: Left or right click?

Me: Left.

(Ok, come to find out, she right clicked anyway and got completely lost in Explorer...Got her straight now)

Me: OOookay....let's try that one again. LEFT click, on YOUR Start Button...then LEFT click on Control Panel.

Her: You want me to use my finger?

Me (perplexed): Uhm, uh...yeah, use your finger.

Her: It's not doing anything.

Me: Okay, how are you trying to do this?

Her: I'm putting my finger on it, but it's not doing anything.

Me: Ma'am, do you have a touch sensitive screen?

Her: What's that?

Me: Okay, so it's pretty safe to say you don't have one, huh?

Her: Yes, I guess...I don't know.

Me: Okay then...this time use your MOUSE BUTTON to click on it.

It's been a long day and I've only been here THREE HOURS. Been nothing but the common sense challenged and some a**hole doctor who decided to throw his degree in my face more or less. That one's coming soon. :-)

I received a call today from one of our locations. Recently a clerical person had moved on the floor to a new cubicle and different PC. Today she calls in and left a message about transferring her c: hard drive to her new computer. I return the call and said I should have done this when I set her e-mail (despite the fact that I lost my ability to read minds). So she asks that I copy her "My Documents" folder to her new computer. Thinking that she could do this herself since both computers were connected to the network, I asked her why she didn't and she replied that another of the clerical staff said it couldn't be done.

I went to that location during my own break and checked on her old machine. I was easily able to copy the files to a shared network drive while the users at each computer were still logged on as themselves. The original clerical person was noticably gone. I did find out that while I was working on her computer and on a few others (one on a different floor)for twenty minutes, she was not able to copy the files because she had been chatting with a co-worker.

I also wanted to point out that all of the files copied were less than 250 kb total and could be transferred by floppy. I guess that is what I get when dealing with a group of users that keep spreading a macro virus on the network.

Setting up Netscape Nav mail settings.

Tech : Ok type in your email address blah@blah.net

User: Ok ooops does it matter if it has a dot in front of it.

Tech: Yes! delete it.

User: How do I do that?

Tech: take your mouse and move the pointer over to the edge of the

blank near the dot and the arrow will turn into a I looking thing then click and press delete.

User: Ok the I turned into a flashing line.

Tech: Great ! now push delete

User: It put another dot in there.

Tech: Ok now push backspace.

User: It is not doing anything.

Tech: OK take your mouse and highlight every thing in the box and then

Push the delete key that is the key above your arrow keys that says delete.

User: it is not doing any thing.

Tech: Ok try backspace that is the key two above the enter key it says backspace.

User: Oh im sorry i am using the wrong key board.Ol I got it

Tech: (what?) Ok, click finish and callback if you have any more problems.

We're a midsized ISP in Ohio, and we support an ISP

in San Diego as well. One of the SD users calls us up, this

happens to be his fifth call tonight. He's having problems

connecting. He's elderly.. and the word 'novice' is a

ridiculous understatement.

Me: Ok. Is the 'connect to' window up?

User: Yeah, it is.

Me: In the 'username' field, what's in there?

User: Uhhh.. field? Uh.. oh. My wife's name.

Me: Ok. That's our first problem. Delete that and put in

your username.

User: Uh.. this might sound dumb.. how do i do that?

Me: Click into the text box and hit the backspace key on

your keyboard.

User: Into the what?

Me: The username box. The text box. You see that?

User: .... text?

Me: Text. Do you know what text is?

User: No.

Me: *sigh* it's words, letters, the name.. you know, WORDS!

User: uhhhhhhhh...

Me: *suppressed anger* It's where the name is.

User: Ohhh. ok.. hold on.. click in there once?

Me: YES.

User: Uh... dang.. clicked in the wrong spot..

This went on and on for another 5 or so minutes. Eventually

he got the point and left me alone... i'm going to go

petition Congress to get a legal IQ limit on using computers.

It's not a toaster, people.

(This may be a bit long winded but I think it is necessary to get the point... 8^)

My Girlfriend's Brother and Sis-in-law bought a new 350Mhz system from Best Buy and hooked it up according to the assembly manual. Once the system was up and running, they decided to subscribe to one of the isp's that pollute the system's hard drive from the factory install of the O.S.

Lets just call the ISP Aww Oh Hell ! ! ! once the account was established, He wanted to see if I could tweak up the speed at which the modem was connecting. I asked what speed they were connecting currently and he said "2800".

Thinking he meant 28.8 I said that we might be able to get a better connection since he had a 56k modem and newly installed phone lines (They live 1 mile from the Phone net Exchange) Upon review of his dial up config. and noting that everything seemed normal, I tried to connect to AWW OH HELL ! ! with their system. While watching the connect indicator provided with the software, I noticed a connect speed of 1200BPS appear on the screen. I was astonished and immediately checked the dial up settings again and tried a new set up dial up #'s to no avail, I was stumped. I asked to use the phone to see if the isp had any problems with their dial up as of late, and noticed the worst sounding Phone line connection I ever heard. tracing the line back to its outlet, I discovered a little adapter that the phone line was plugged into, which then was plugged into the ELECTRICAL OUTLET.(they hadn't wired a phone jack for that room) I'd seen these before but never heard one. The premise being that the phone line would be run through the 110VAC lines and to another box that was plugged into an outlet that was near a legitimate phone jack and this would serve as the extension. I informed them of the problem an they never quite understood why it didnt work.

Thanx

I have just received this call :

User : I have a small problem with my laptop.

Me : OK, what exactly is the problem?

User : I ran over it in the car, and it is now slightly thinner than it was.

After much laughter, I managed to tell the user that there was nothing that we could do. The manufacturer would sometimes repair cracked laptop cases, but if there was Pirelli printed on the case, they wouldn't touch it.

Having been brought up with a silicon spoon in my mouth, I've always been the neighborhood tech support to my friends and their families who really had no business owning anything more complicated than an Apple IIGS. In some cases they were better off with a IIe. Whatever the case, I was the butt of many geek jokes unless someone needed to know how to print something in "The Print Shop" or wanted to know what "syntax error" meant. [sigh]

This particular incident happened way back in the early 90s (probably around or just after my junior high days). My friend had just bought a PS/2 (microchannel!) and I had spent a few days explaining the new machine to him and his parents. I felt confident enough about their learning curve when they seemed to get the gist of how DOS (without the help of a memory manager) will completely ignore your upper memory.

So why was getting a straight answer out of them regarding windows so difficult? (names changed to protect the ignorant)

Me: Hey, Dan! Do you have Windows?

Dan: yeah.

[I proceed to type in "win" nothing happens]

Me: you _sure_ you have windows down here? (first mistake was phrasing the follow up question like that)

Dan: yeah, I'm positive.

Me: well, something's not right then. Better come down here and show me where you installed it (again...phrasing).

[Dan comes down and gives me a funny look. He then points directly to my right]

Dan: they're installed over there!

....

He was pointing to the windows in the basement (along the ceiling. you know the type).

Anyway, I'm pretty sure that's how it went. Needless to say, I explained what I meant after I disguised my laughter as a coughing fit.

I'm not a tech, but I am often on IRC when people have technical questions...and sometimes fail to comprehend the answers...

[This guy, I'm calling him S, has asked how to register his nick.]

(RuneWalsh) [S] - /msg NickServ register -password

(JChance) more trouble than it's worth, imo.

(S) Eh?

(S) I don't understand that...

(RuneWalsh) ?

(JChance) having to identify is a pain in the arse.

(S) What do I do again?

(RuneWalsh) umm...

(RuneWalsh) [S] - I JUST TOLD YOU

(S) I don't know how...

(RuneWalsh) [S] - TYPE THAT IN!!

(S) What do I put for my password?

(JaRRaL) S - anything you want

(RuneWalsh) [S] - WHatever

(JChance) lol

(S) Type what in?

(JChance) two foolfile entries in one night

(JaRRaL) S - type in anything you want your password to be

(S) Now, how do I register this name?

(RuneWalsh) erm...

(RuneWalsh) [S] - type /msg NickServ register -password

(S) Did I do it?

(S) It's still saying that this is an unregistered copy.

(S) How do I make it stop saying that?

(psych[e]) S: it has nothing to do with your irc client

(RuneWalsh) [S] - Doing that doesn't stop that message. Are you using the Java APplet?

(S) Eh?

(S) What Applet?

(RuneWalsh) ummm...

(S) Where's the Applet?

(S) I came thorough http://www.[whatever].com/chat/.

(RuneWalsh) [S] - What IRC program are you using?

(RuneWalsh) [S] - That's the java applet

(S)I don’t have an IRC program.

(RuneWalsh) [S] - Get mIRC

(S) I don't have...

(S) .....

(S) miRC?

(JaRRaL) S, you still confused?

(S) Hmmm... No...

(S) Not really... I just didn't know that you had to have mIRC...

(S) Hrmmm...

I'd say offhand, he _is_ still confused. What a maroon.

One of my co-worker was taking a call, early one Saturday morning. We both work for an ISP selling cable modem and this particular lady was having difficulties with her Ethernet adapter. My colleague had her remove the card and told her to put it back in and to reboot the computer. THe lady in question asked him how she would know the card was properly inserted in the PCI slot. My friends answer to this was:"Push it firmly all the way to the bottom, if done right, you will feel a satisfying sensation" I don't need to say that the lady caught the sexual meaning of this, but fortunately, she took it well. My friend was mortified though. I tought it was the best slip of the tongue I heard in years! (Freud meets tech support)

I'm a tech for WebTv, and let me tell you I miss the callers I had with CXXXXQ.

Caller: I'm going to this webpage, and everytime that I do I have to re-register.

Me: How exactly are you going to the web page?

Caller: I just go to my favorites.

Me Thinking: This ID10T just saved a registration screen as the favorite.

Me: Tell me... when did you save the page as a favorite?

Caller: Right after I finished typing in all of that stuff to get registered.

Me: You mean BEFORE you submitted?

Caller: Sure. I always do it that way when I have to get back to a web page.

Caller: But... That reminds me.... I'm having the same problem on another site.....

No matter what kind of support you provide, and no matter what kind of product it is there ARE ALWAYS stupid people!

I'd hate to be in peanut butter support.

I was working for a major parcel company and we had one

PC that stayed on basically 24 hours a day 6 days a week.

We were concerned that the heat build up would cause problems.

We decided to remove one of the expansion slots to aid in cooling

the unit. Well needless to say I got the call about a week later

the computer wouldnt power up. After having the user check all the

power connections I told the user that I would come by and check it out.

All cables were secure. Popped the face plate crossed the wires

no power up? Time to take the case off. When I removed the

case I noticed that there was what I though a large dust bunny on

one of the cards. Not looking too closely I went to pick it up.

SON OF A!!!! (screaming like a girl) I immediatley dropped

the mouse!!!!

Ok no problem... heart slowing down people getting a good laugh.

Ok back to the problem. First thing check the wires the mouse

may have been a little hungry in there. I looked at the

main board power connectors. Oh there is the problem, the black

wire must have been chewed threw. I went to pick up the wire to

see what I could do about it. I couldnt reach it, it was a tight fit.

I stuck my face in the CPU to get a better aim on my grab

at the wire. I grabbed the wire and the show started, it was the tale

of a second mouse. At this point I was screaming like a girl again and

the mouse was spinning around in circles as I held its tale.

First thingsfirst, I'm not a tech support person,this is just a story I heard.

A teenage computer gamer rings up the tech support for agame he recently bought. Nothing unusual, game won't work, eroor message says he needs a 3DFX card to run the game. This lad tells the tech supporter he has a 3DFX card and wants to know why his gamewon't work, and how to fix it. After going through all the usual checklist of likely problems,ie. DirectX not installed, wrong DirectX version etc,the tech supporter decides to check that the teen's card is in fact a 3DFX card. The boy is adamant that it is, but reluctantly checks the box and manual.He gets backon the phone and says "well it says it's a Diamond Viper ..... [I forget which on] and that on the box it quite clearly says that it is a 3D card." This tech supporter finally manages to nut out the problem. The boy has a 3D card,but not a 3D card from 3DFX.

A designer called the helpdesk:

"My drawing doesn't fit on the paper.

The sheet of paper has to be rotated, how can i do that?"

Sometimes we like to fool around a little so i said:

"Just turn the printer 90 degrees"

15 minutes later he called again. "It didn't work. Please

can you come over to check what i'm doing wrong".

When i went downstairs to check, i passed the printer.

It was really turned 90 degrees.

I work in a local library, keeping the peace in its little 8 computer lab. I get people in all the time that don't quite understand how computers work, and sometimes I am mystified as well.

This is mainly because we run Pentium 133's that we bought when the lab opened in 1996. But that isn't what my story is about. Recently, like today, I had a patron come in that want to email her Grandma. First problem, she didn't know she needed an email address to send anything.

After I get her started with an online free account, she had no idea what to do. First, when it asked for her member name, she asked if she wa sopposed to put in the Grandma's address. Later, after 5 minutes of trying to explain what the password and verify password meant, she tried to submit the information.

We got a message back saying that the two were different, she had to type it again. After about 20 minutes of various problems involving her password, including having her password and verify password blanks different and the fact that she couldn't have strange characters (&$#*!) in her password, she got on. She tries to type the letter. She starts typing away, ALL CAPSANDWITHNOSPACES. And the really bad part about it, she didn't use the caps lock, she just held the shift key down the entire time.

I also had to show her how to get to the next line, and how to delete things (explaining when to use backspace and when to use the delete key is not fun.)

When she's all done, this took her about an hour and 15 minutes, she tell's me she doesn't know much about computers, and that she should learn.

My first thought contained several explatives, and I don't think I should share it.

My second thought was, "My god, lady, how stupid do you think I AM, that I didn't notice that!!!"

Oh, and to make things worse for her, her 4 or 5 year old daughter could keep still. Wandering away, or playing with the mouse while she was typing.

Thanks TechTales, for bringing laughter into my life.

This one happened recently to me while trying to help a lady

with a write protect error while copying floppies. Easy

enough done for someone who isn't used to using PCs, and

was trying to copy a 3.5" disk in the B: drive while her

commandline instructions were to try copying in the A: drive

this was the usual fare, and I went to finish the call

Her: Oh, before you go, one last question?

Me: Yes sure?

Her: If I need 9 copies of the master disk, does that mean I'll need to use 9 separate destination disks?

I was -this- close to telling her that copying her master

onto the same disk 9 times would do...

me:) thank you for calling technical support this is matt speaking, can i get your user-id please?

cust:) hi, may i please speak to brian? his extension is 4423.

me:) may i ask why you want to be transferred? (required to do before transferring a call)

cust:) yes, i'm having a serious problem and he set up my computer for me and told me to call him if i ever have any problems.

me:) mam, i have no way of knowing if brian is at his desk right now. so if i transfer you there you might just get a busy signal. maybe i can help you with your....(cutoff)

cust:) ...is kristen there?

me:) once again i'm not sure if she's at her desk right now. if you'd just please tell me your problem maybe i can help you.

cust:) okay you can try i guess..you see i'm trying to write this e-mail to my friend and i can't figure out how to make the @ symbol.

me:)(laughing my ass off while on mute)(20sec later) okay mam i want you to hold down the shift key and hit the number 2.

cust:)oh...okay...thank you very much bye

Until recently I worked on a helpdesk for a large international organisation. We received questions ranging from the utterly stupid to mildly intelligent, but the strangest call I received went like this:

C: I have problems using MAS, send somebody around now!!!(mas=a custom made menu for easy use of mainframe)

me (knowing there were a lot of known problems and easy fixes for this program):What error message are you receiving

C: Oh, you know about computers do you?

m: Yes sir, could you tell me the error again.

c: No, I'm not sitting anywhere near my computer I'll call back later.

AAAAAAAAHHHH

I'll first say that I'm not a tech support person, I'm a computer salesman at an Office Depot. It's not unusual to get stupid questions from the customers, though.

I'll give you a short version and a detailed version, that way you can skip the long one if you've heard something similar.

short version: A female customer asks me for a new CD-rom drive for her older PC. It turns out that she had been sticking CD's into a 5 1/4inch floppy drive! Oh, I once had to explain to a customer that he couldn't use his computer without an operating system. It seems he bought it from a friend who had just replaced the hard drive. The hard drive had absolutely nothing on it, and he couldn't figure out why it wouldn't do anything.

detailed version:

One day at work I was approached by a customer carrying a white plastic shopping bag. She asked me about a new CD-rom drive for her computer because her old one quit working. I ask her the usual questions, hoping to solve the problem for her without costing her the 40 bucks for a new drive (I don't work on commission) and it turns out that she just bought an older PC from a friend and the CD-rom drive won't work. She says that when she puts a CD in, it makes an odd grinding noise and then nothing else happens. Deciding that she did indeed need a new drive, I then asked her what brand, speed etc. drive she needed. Of course, she know nothing of the subject, but said she had removed the broken drive and had it with her so she could get an identical replacement. She reached into the bag and produced a 5 1/4 inch floppy drive! I asked her with as straight a face as I could muster if she had been putting CD's into it. "Yes, of course." She didn't even seem to be embarassed when I told her what she had been doing to her CD's.

About ten years ago my machine was an original IBM PC. No CD-ROM, just 5 1/4 inch drives. No hard drive, either. You had to insert your DOS start-up diskette to do any work, otherwise it went straight to Basic.

Shortly after I married Husband #1, I had a housewarming party and got a chance to meet my best friend's new boyfriend. The first thing he said to me was not "Hello" but "That's your husband's computer, right?". My friend must have seen me bristling, because she said hastily "You'll have to excuse him. He thinks only men can operate computers." ("How nice," I thought.) The party was a success and I was having such a good time that I almost missed Boyfriend running out of my study like a bat out of hell. If I hadn't gotten distracted, I would have wondered why he looked so panicked.

Anyway, the following day I went to start up my PC. I tried to insert my DOS startup diskette as usual, but it wouldn't go in. Hmm. Odd. I tried turning the PC on, and it made a horrible grinding noise. I promptly turned it off and did a little investigation into the A drive. This revealed a diskette JAMMED IN BACKWARDS. I was able to extract it with no harm done, but I've been wary around this guy ever since. He and my friend have been married for years and have two children, so I guess he no longer has problems ... oops, nope, better not say that.

JChance the non-tech again, here to tell you another computer illiteracy story or several.

My father is actually a very smart fellow...he just doesn't know Richard about computers. Therefore, he uses me (age 18) as impromptu Tech Support, and here are two stories about his valiant struggle with Windows 95. This first one isn't so bad, it's the attitude behind it that's funny...he's the worst kind of l-user, the kind who thinks he knows what's what, and there's something wrong with whatever isn't easy enough for him.

RING!

[I run in the kitchen and answer the phone. It's him, calling from the small bookstore he runs.]

F:I just installed [program]. How do I get it on the desktop?

Me:You want to put a shortcut for it on the desktop?

F:Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Me:Right-click the start menu, and select explore on the menu that pops up.[At least he knows the terms.]

F:OK, now what do I do.

Me:Find [program] and right-click on it, then select Create Shortcut, then drag it to the desktop.

F:That's too damn complicated. isn't there a simpler way to do it?

Me:yeah, find it and right-drag it to the desktop.

F:I's not here. All I see is a folder that says "programs."

Me:It's in there. Open it up.

F:There it is, but it's a folder.

Me:It's in there. Open it up. See it?

F:Yeah. What do I do now?

Me:Right-drag it onto the desktop.

F:What?

Me:Click on it with the right mouse button and drag it to the desktop.

F:Now I'm seeing a menu. it says Open etc etc..[typical right-click menu]

Me:No, click on it with the right button and hold it, and drag it to the desktop, then when a menu pops up, select "copy." [now remembering that the start menu entry was already a shortcut]

F:And that'll do it? I'll be able to start it from the desktop?

Me:Yes.

F:There it is. Why do they have to make these things so damn complicated?

That's his perennial complaint. He says the PC will not really be a household necessity until it is as easy as the telephone. It is to no avail to explain to him how much more complicated its _tasks_ are.

Anyway, story number 2.

[I've just walked him through uninstalling a program.]

F:It's still here!

Me:What?

F:I click on the start menu, and it's still here.

Me:That's not the program, that's just the start menu shortcut.

F:What? That's what I click on to get into the program.

Me:It's just a shortcut. We've already deleted the program files.

F:So whay's this still here? They really need to make these damn things simpler.[Bang Head Here.]

My father--perfect customer for Bill Gates's central computer service. Sigh....

I used to do tech support for an all girls dorm back in college

and one day this girl came up to me and said, "I spilled Coke

on my keyboard and now it won't work. Can you fix it?"

I stared at her trying not to laugh and told her I would get

back to her later. She came back later and sheepishly told me

that her boyfriend got her a new keyboard.

well, it was a regular tech support day when this call comes in

-thanks for calling tech supprt this is derek, how may i help you?

-i want to set up for the internet

-no problem, lets go thorugh the connection wizard

-ok

-chose your modem

-mo-dam???

-yes, chose your modem

-i don't have a mo-dam

-Sir, you need a modem to connect to the internet

-no i don't need a mo-dam, it says right here on the cd

run this cd to connect to the internet

-no sir, you need a modem to acces the phone line to connect

to the internet

-no you don't understand, i don't want to use a mo-dam, i

don't want to use the phone line,i want to use the internet

so i don't have to call people.

-Sir, you need a modem to connect you to the internet

-NO I DON'T NEED A MO-DAM, i want the internet

-sir, you will need a modem before you can hook up to the

internet.

-You are stupid, it says run this cd to connect to the internet

-get a modem and then we can set you up

-screw you, i don't need a mo-dam.......CLICK

and there you have it, another day at the office

Well, here's another tale of my father the luser...Last night, he wanted to check his Hotmail account at about quarter-til-11 at night. Well, I typed in the URL, and after practically elbowing me out of my chair, he sat down and waited for the Hotmail login screen to come up...and waited...and waited. As always happens around that time, my ISP had slowed to a crawl, and I could plainly see the data coming in fits and starts. Guess it's when all the newbies, lusers, and lamers are downloading their "PR0N G1FFZ."

What he said next absolutely dumbfounded me. "This is running awful slow...when did you last defragment your disk?"

I honestly couldn't remember, but I said, "I can't see how it would be very fragmented. I don't delete much."(maybe this is MY stupidity.) He then said, in a tone of total paranoia, "That doesn't matter. Everything you do fragments the disk." As if it affected the connection speed. He then tried to blame me for the fact Hotmail wasn't accepting his login, and left the computer disgusted.

I used to work with an engineering group who were, on the whole, utterly brilliant--and at times utterly lacking in common sense. Like the one guy who came bursting into my office in a panic about an organic solvent leak---that turned out to be garlic chicken....

While I was there, our company switched over from a mainframe based email/calendaring system to Lotus Notes. One of the managers couldn't figure out why his calendar entries kept showing up in "All Documents" and figured it must be a flaw in the system. So he kept deleting them. Then later, he would come to me in a panic wondering why entries were vanishing off his calendar. It took me several days to figure out what he was doing---and another couple hours to convince him not to. "Just leave the All Documents alone, please? Don't go there..."

I was an AV nerd in school, and naturally, I ended up in computer support as an adult. One instance I remembered from my high school days was how I was unofficially "on call" whenever something broke in my school. "Get Grig, he'll fix that VCR/projector/film strip..."

I was in my Chemistry honors class. We had one room for lab work, and one room for watching films. This was an advanced class taught during the summer, so it was 5 weeks of six-hour classes. Sometimes, we had to watch like 5 or 6 films in a row, our classes were so accelerated. Typical of you education dollar at work, the films were antiques, some had been spliced hundreds of times, some so far they were actually missing the first few minutes of the film. Many of the films were old acetate, and were brittle and faded. They often broke in the projector, usually when loading. My professor finally had me do it, and I became this unofficial projectionist for the class. One day, one particular film was agonizingly brittle, yet for some reason the professor thought it was vital to see it. After a lot of swearing and cursing, trying to get this film to stop flipping the image all over the screen, I finally saw the humor of the situation, and became dramatic. I started hurling creative curses aloud, blaming evil spirits, and vowed I would drive the evil spirits away from the projector. I grabbed some ancient Chinese spirit bells the professor had hanging over the doorway, and waved them around, chanting gibberish, and making a big production out of it. Finally, after two minutes of this "act," I flipped the projector on, having some BS speech ready in my head about stubborn demons and would give up until a preacher was called.

But damned if it didn't work flawlessly. In fact, for the rest of the year, that projector never had any problems again.

Since then, on rare occasions, when nothing else has worked, I have tried this, with mixed success. Mostly failures. One spectacular failure happened at this retail place I used to work. We had this AT&T Merlin phone system that was constantly freezing. Since we weren't some big-name company (and only had two lines), it would take forever to get a tech on the site. After watching the techs work, I figured out how to fix most problems that occurred, and one day when it froze again, I was in a goofy mood, and told an employee I was going to chase evil spirits out of our phone system. I grabbed a "spirit rattle" (a wooden baby rattle we sold), and pretended to "work magic" on the system. I reset some switches, and the phone system came back up. Although this was meant purely as humor, one employee became very afraid of me, stating that I was working with "demons," and my boss bragged to everyone I had magic powers and "practiced witchcraft in the store." At first, I thought they were just teasing and joking with me, so I went along with it. But much later (after I left) I found out the head office had this in my file, with concerned comments from management about how to handle things with me in the future. I found my district manager was afraid he'd be turned into a frog. Some feared I was a member of a cult, and feared I'd pull a religious descrimination suit if they fired me.... or worse.

Since then, I have been more careful with my "magic." :)

Our company is dealing with Y2K compliance from our local government. One of our jobs was to deal with the administrative end of the compliance issue. On our survey we noticed that there had been no communication with the local transit authorities. We considered this unusual because they deal with a lot of hardware that is fairly old. When we called the supervisor in charge he assured us that they were compliant and did not need testing. We explained that they had to follow procedure. The gent at the other end became belligerent and demanded to speak with my higher-up which I promptly did. When he asked how they knew they were complaint, their answer was amazing.

"We are compliant because we have a 15 year contract with our equipment which ends in 2002. This is well past 2000."

We had to explain to this poor bloke that just because his warrantee with his service contract went past 2000, that didn't mean he was year 2000 compliant. All this time he thought that Y2K compliance simply meant that he had a guarantee that if anything failed, it would be fixed. It turned out that most of their main equipment was woefully not Y2K compliant, and when the vendor was insisting he upgraded their old systems, he said he didn't need them since they worked fine and had a service contract through 2002. And we found this out last week.

So now we have only four months to upgrade and test a major transit system for a whole city.

The Numbers Game

I own an independent hardware shop in West Texas. I started the business in 1985. Needless to say we have some unique characters for customers. I discovered your site last year and it has given me many hours of much needed relief. It is good to know that everyone has these people calling them.

Over the years I have come to find out some interesting specifications that the manufacturers missed while writing the documentation.

The numbers game:

Number of possible positions on a two-position 120/240 voltage selector switch:

3.

These switches were common on old style powersupplys. Somehow the customer managed to balance the switch halfway between the two possible choices. The irate customer called cause: “The thing just won’t boot”.

Now this switch is recessed, and you need to use a screwdriver blade to move it.

I setup the system up at their office and it was working fine. They moved the system to a new location. It would not start.

“Did anyone move this switch?” asks I.

“No” replies the customer.

Whatever you say…

Number of times a single individual can manage to delete critical system files and/or reformat his hard drive:

6. (so far in the last 4 years).

This guy just can’t leave well enough alone. He even manages to un-hide and un-write protect critical files (after I have tried to protect them from his good intentions).

He has plenty of free disk space. He just wants to keep things clean. This guy is a M.D. Ph.D.

I hope his patients keep their critical parts write protected…

Number of CD-ROM disks that will fit in a 5.25” floppy drive:

2.

You really have to push to get the second one in there.

I understand the CD into floppy drive. It happens all the time (I guess if it sorta fits, go for it).

But why oh why stuff a second one in there?

“I figured something might be hung and a second disk might free it up”

Sure, whatever you say…

Number of CD-ROM disks you can stuff into a 4 disk changer:

6.

Seems the customer bought an NEC Pentium (with a 4-disk changer) for home use. He lets his three year old use it.

The only way to get the disks out was to go fishing with a hook thingie stolen from my wife (I have no idea what the thing is actually used for but she can’t have it back).

I Mangled the heck out of the last CD “installed”. It was a new copy of MS-Office Pro (Borrowed from work). I’d like to hear the story next time it needs to be used at the office.

The Freddie the Fish CD made it out without a scratch (naturally).

Darned if the drive didn’t work just fine after fishing out the six disks…

Number of CD-ROM disks that can be stuffed in the crack between a 4 disk changer and a 5.25” face plate:

All of them.

See the saga of the three year old user above. The disks were piled up nicely in the bottom of the drive bay. A later look by Pop indicated that all of the CD-ROM boxes at home were empty. Junior had stuffed them all.

Several were scratched over about a quarter of the surface. That’s as far as the disks would fit into the over-full four disk changer. Junior couldn’t get then in any farther so he pulled them back out and put them in the space between the drive and the faceplate. Hey, if it don’t fit, PUSH!…

Thickness of mouse poop that a motherboard can support (and still run):

2 inches.

This feed supply store had an old 286 setup as a Novell server. It lived in a storeroom. They left one of the slot covers open on the back of the system. The mice thought it was a nice place to live. The system got cranky after they (the customers, not the mice) moved it to a new location.

I opened it up and found the mouse nest. Mouse crap and nest stuff were everywhere.

I told them there was probably no hope, but since the system was toast anyway, I figured anything I did wouldn’t hurt.

“You guys got a hose?”

I pulled the thing apart and hosed all the “stuff” off of everything. We let it sit out in the hot Texas sun for a couple of days. Then I put it back together.

The only thing that didn’t work was the floppy drive. I can only guess that it is so dry out here that the mouse pee evaporated before it corroded through any of the traces.

Gee did it stink for the first few hours after we fired it up…

Largest poisonous insect found inside a PC:

4 inches long.

I think I might have said something to the effect of “Oh My” (not a direct translation) when I pulled the lid off the system to add a sound card.

Sitting on the powersupply was a big brown scorpion. For you folks not blessed with such creatures, these are the things that look like little lobsters, with a poison stinger on the tail.

The entire female office staff headed for the door. Most of the male staff too. I selected the extra-long forceps from my tool kit.

I charged them an extra half-hour to “debug” the system. They were delighted to pay it…

Largest number of living creatures ever found in a PC:

Several zillion.

I picked up a customers system at their house. As I was carrying it out to the van, out stormed mom and several zillion baby spiders. I do not like spiders. Especially little ones. I think I said something like “Oh My” again.

As these little guys headed up my arms, I dumped the PC on the grass and started doing, what I was later told was, a very interesting dance. I guess I’ll start carrying RAID in my tool kit…

Largest mammal ever found in a working computer:

12Lbs.

This one was mine. I was messing about with my home PC (a desktop 286, it’s been awhile). I wandered off to the kitchen to eat dinner.

I came back to find my cat, John, sound asleep inside the case. I only had a video and a controller card in there at the time. John is a large cat, but he managed to snuggle down on the motherboard. Only his tail and ears were sticking out.

Big John was just out of kittenhood at this time in his life. I figured trying to poke him out might do more harm than good. Any attempt to mess with him would bring on a play frenzy.

The hard drive finished low level formatting (remember those days?). So I just ran FDISK and let it format. He woke up and moved to my lap before DOS finished loading. I guess the floppy made too much noise during the file copy to suit him.

That PC is long gone. Big John is 14 now (and 16Lbs) and he still likes to help me work on the home computer. He just does not fit the new ATX cases very well, and those pesky CPU fans are so annoying…

Largest number of people who can look at a PC, for several days, that won’t power up (and not think to try turning it on):

5.

An entire office, bossman (the computer expert) and four sectary types couldn’t figure out that the big red power switch, on the side of the case, needed to be in the “ON” position.

They always started the system with a surge strip. Someone had apparently switched off the system at the case. This system was sitting in the middle of a large table. Nothing was blocking the power switch from view. Someone had even marked it with a label.

This was a cold call from a new potential customer. I flipped the switch, handed them my card, and told them to call me if they needed something in the future.

“No charge” says I, “Happens all the time.”

They never called again. One of my competitors picked up the account. He says they never called me back because the boss was too embarrassed over the switch thing. Oh well…

I work for AOL tech suport for the MAC queue, and as you can imagine we get a lot of phone calls from people who don't have much knowledge about computers. One day I took a call where a woman was in her office and AOL kept crashing. After spending about 25 minutes helping her, we finally had to reinstall. Once the installation was complete, I had her try to sign on, when we encountered another problem:

Member: Oh wait! Now I am getting a connection warning - the modem has reported no dial tone.

Me: Ok well let's see - we are not on the same phone line right?

Member: No we have 4 phone lines in this office

Me: Ok do you happen to have voice mail on the line the computer connects with?

Member: Yes but it is not activated right now

Me: Ok let's try adding some commas in front of the numbers you're dialing.

Member: Ok

(walk her through that)

Me: Ok go ahead and try to sign on again

Member: (signing on) Nope I get the same message.

Me: And you're sure we are not on the same phone line as the computer?

Member: There is no way we could be

Me: OK Let's check your modem profile

(checked setup - changed a few things)

Me: Ok go ahead and try to sign on again

Member: (signing on) (all of a sudden you can hear the computer dialing over the phone) Is that you?

Me: No M'am I believe that is you - you're computer is trying to dial in

Member: Oh now I get the same message

Me: That's because we are on the same phone line as the computer

Member: We are? No we can't be.

Me: That is the only way we could hear the computer dialing.

Member: Oh I guess we are on the same line. So now what?

Me: Now we get off the phone and you sign on Have a nice day.

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeshhhhhhhh

it just goes to show you should never trust the member

This is probably not a unique experience, but here goes;

Working for *.B.* several years ago (yes I'm over 30), we designed and installed an automated wharehouse control system in the PC destruction.. sorry.. refurbishment lab.

Due to initial problems with installing a fixed link to the mainframe, we established a sneaker net using 5.25" floppies.

All went swimmingly for several weeks until 'problems' started to occur, ie we had to replace the drive units with alarming frequency.

After tracking the systems operation, we finally asked the sneaker net transport layer, how he operated the system. After much huffing and puffing he said in a slow and pained voice (after all I was still a student).."first I take the disc out of its envelope, using the finger holder..."

last caller "I've been sitting in front of my computer for a few minutes and I get what looks like a plumbers nightmare"

I say " what do you meen"

he states " well it looks like all kinds ao colored pipes going all over my screen".......

At the company I worked for we didn't really like to make the user feel bad when they did something stupid. So to make up for this we would make up problems to blame it on.

Some of the best.

You need a new BLT drive.

Your transformer return springs need replacing.

You need to have you CPU bearings lubricated.

Your computer runs slow because it is using alternating current. Some computers convert it to direct current and can process all the time. Your computer only processes on the up cycle.

This is funny for those boring hours on tech support, but really

frustrating if you are trying to get something done.

Happens something like this.

M:Hello, Internet helpline. Can I help you?

C:Hi, I have a problem with my computer.

M:What type of problem?

C:Well....the computer won't connect to the internet.

M:Are you sure you have all the wires plugged in right?

C:Yes...I think so.

M:Okay, first things first. What type of computer are you

using?

C:I don't know.

M:Well (sigh) if its an IBM compatible, it would be running

windows. Otherwise it could be a Mac.

C:What does windows look like?

M:It has a tool bar on the bottom with a start button on the lower

left hand side.

C:Okay...I'm still not sure. Can you describe something else

about it?

This goes on for about 15 minutes.

M:If you don't see any of the things I've told you, you probably

have a Mac.

C:Can you repeat what windows looks like. I wasn't able to

write all of that down.

M:What?!? Are you in front of your computer?

C:No, I'm just calling so that I can fix it when I get home.

M:I really can't help you unless you are with your computer.

C:OH, is it possible to call back when I'm home?

M:Yes, we are open till 11 pm.

C:Okay. (hangs up)

To the guys/gals at my work. (Melissa, Jon, Dang, Erik)

Sorry if that person calls back.

This did not happen to me, but a co-worker of mine.

One day he was on the phone to one of our clients, helping them set up the paths for ODBC. Well, imagine his surprise when he told her to click the start button... he is what followed:

C: "Where is the start button?"

T: "On the left side of your Start Bar."

The tech is feeling like it is going to be a long day...

C: "What is the Start Bar?"

T: "Ok, let's try something different. Press the windows key on your keyboard." - after all, everyone knows the keyboard...

C: "windows key? Is there such a thing?"

The tech had to hang up to avoid laughing in her face. Keep in mind that this woman used a windows 98 computer every day for at least a year. In fact, she was a receptionist at an optometrist's office...you know, the kind that write down what you need as glasses...kinda scary.

I laughed about that one for a while...

Me: Thank you for calling F*x Internet, my name is blah, how can I help you?

Angry woman: Yeah I want to terminate my account.

Me: Can I as you why?

Angry woman: Because your network is not compatible with Outlook 8.6...

Now her account is gone, but we still laugh at her when we're on smoke breaks :o)

As I cannot take the credit for this story (The call was actually logged by one of my good friends) I felt that I should tell you about it. We both work for a major PC manufacturer in Dallas which shall remain unnamed. He recieved a call involving someone whose elevator did not quite go all the way to the top floor.

TS: Thank you for calling @#@ support can I help you?

Customer: I cannot get my PC to connect to the internet.

TS: Is your Phone line connected to the back of your computer

Customer: No

TS: OK then go ahead and plug it in for me then.

Customer: I cant I am on a payphone.

TS: Well go home connect it and call us back

Well the customer goes home and calls us back about 30 mins later and says that he is on a payphone again.

TS: Well Sir I cannot get you on the internet if you dont plug your phone into the computer.

Customer: (Surprised) You have to have a phone line? My PC says "Internet Ready" on the box, I dont even have a phone line at home Damn!

Needless to say we all laughed about that one.

Brian

I work for a big tech support company who support many ISP's in UK. I got this call which I thought was so funny it needed to be told to the world!

Here's how it went:

me: good afternoon tech support how can i help

cust: i want to set up a web site and charge people by making them dial up a premium rate number

(i start wondering)

me: I'm afraid the only way to actually charge people is to ask for credit details

cust: but i want to set up a video camera in my shed so people can see me working

(working!!! - what type of working - he's now got me thinking this could be a not so very clean site!)

Me: Okay sir if you want to do that you really need to get their credit details

cust: but that means i have to process them while i'm working (what so he doesn't have a spare hand)

Me: sorry sir but that is the only way

cust: you really should think about doing it this way

(this now has smoke coming out of my ears as i try to explain for the second time about ISP's!)

Cust: So how do i go about it

Me: You need to go to your bank

Cust:(goes quiet) okay thanks

So here's me thinking about what he could be doing in his shed then he goes all quiet when i suggest he should go to (or for) a bank!

One early morning an older women walks into my place of work where we have free internet terminal use. She sits down, turns on the computer and asks me who the "mailer demon" is. I sat there in my dazed morning state as a big grin began to grow. I couldn't help it, finally, I burst out laughing and almost fell on the floor! After that she was still convinced the "mailer demon" was stalking her! She said, "I think it is one of two things! He is breaking into my account, copying my message and sending them back to me, or somehow I'm getting his message that he is sending to someone else!" She was so determined that the "mailer demon" was after her I had trouble telling her otherwise. When told her it is an error message sent to you by "mailer-daemon," because she made an error in typing the address she told me I was lying and I was probably the "mailer demon" in the flesh! Well, the rest of the day way pretty darn hilarious! I'll never forgot my day with the lady stalked by the "mailer demon!" I wonder if he ever did get her???

This is, strictly speaking, not a tech tale. But I have a lot of fun with it anyway.

I play a lot of Age if Empires on Zone.com and I stipulate in the games I host that your ping MUST be under 600 ms in order to play with me. I like my games to be fast and hate it when some kid pops in with a 1000+ ping demanding that I start the game NOW. (yes, your Highness)

Invariably some kid asks me "how do I see what my ping is?" The Zone has it set up so that all you have to do is click on someone's name and that shows you the lag. Way too easy. I get a kick out of the ones who click on their own name and prowdly declare their ping is 0 ms. Do ya think?? Rather than argue with them I state "if you want to see what your ping is, how down te ALT key and hit F4 four or five times. That'll give you a good average." I only have to count to five and people start dropping like flies.

The sad part is they have no shame. Thirty seconds later they're back in the room saying "veeerrry funny."

I went on trip to Africa a few years ago and took some pix

which didn't turn out because of bad film.

So later I e-mailed one of my fellow passengers and asked

for some copies of their photos.

No problem.

A few days later I get an e-mail that takes nearly half an

hour download. Great, I think, lots of photos!

When the download finally stops I look to see what I've got.

One Word Perfect document, one photo! Total 2.5 megabytes!

My father has been into computers since the mid-eighties.

I think his first was ZX80 or something.

He got me into computers and taught me a lot in that time.

But as he gets older he gets a little less competent.

(old age comes to us all eventually).

His latest bent is "minimalism".

His desktop wallpaper (Win95) is a black blank screen

(to conserve RAM)!

He has icons on the desktop for every program on the drive!

He has the task bar on auto hide.

He has the annoying habit of double-clicking on everything,

I mean everything! (A hangover from Win 3.1).

The result of this is that he quite often has multiple

instances of the same program open, but he doesn't realise

this because his task bar is on auto hide!

The first hint of this is when the machine grinds to a halt

after running out of RAM!

One day I saw him doing something. I asked what. He said

he was cleaning out unwanted files. I looked closer and

saw he was deleting the Windows directory!

Luckily we were able to get all the files back from the

recycle bin!

He's always worried about viruses. (He's not on the net).

One day he got a virus. (This time it was real and not

imagined). It came on a set of Win95 installation disks

sent to him by . . . Microsoft!

A couple of jobs ago, one of the secretaries I worked with started having trouble with her computer. It was beeping at odd times, with no apparent relation to what she was doing (or not doing, as it were.) Remembering some of the tales about computers and pagers, I asked her if any of her "guys" had left a pager at her desk. We looked---and no-one had. Finally, getting somewhat concerned, she called tech support. The tech couldn't find anything wrong with it, but when it beeped after it was shut down, he got suspicious and took the cover off the case. Lo and behold, it was a pager---IN the computer. Good thing it wasn't set to vibrate......

My stepfather is so proud. He has a computer (I bought it for him) and tells everybody he's a real expert now. Yeah, right.

One day, my mom calls me at work. Listen, she says, do you hear that?

What?

That sound. He spilled a whole cup of coffee over his keyboard and now tries to dry it.

I told him to use tissue papers or maybe a hairdryer, but he is using a paintstripper.

(machine that blows very hot air to remove paint from walls and wood and stuff).

What? Tell him to stop it. Now!!!!

Rob, she tells you to stop.

Buzzing sound in the background stops. I hear him shouting:

Ehr, yes, you are right, but it's too late now, the keys have melted.

So he came on the phone, he told me that over half of the keys have shriveled to pathetic clumps of plastic.

I told him he should get a new one at a computer store.

In the meantime, I heard my mother laughing...

A week later, my stepfather calls me. He has his new keyboard, working like a charm.

I asked him: did you tell what happened?

Yep, he did, and because it's the same store where we bought the computer, he got the new keyboard for free.

Didn't they laugh?

Laugh? No, why should they?

I guess that keyboard is now the main object in their price cabinet! I certainly would give it the best place in my office.

Our account managers are not the super heroes they claim to be.

Well, one of them is better at HTML than I am, but I used to be a programmer. Ha.

Anyway, this little nerd and a colleague wanted to have radio mice.

Way cool, finally getting rid of the cables.

And, mucho importante, with a radius of approx. 100 metres. Wow.

And of course, we need a radio mouse in the meeting room as well, together with a radio keyboard.

That's impressive for the clients, and easy with demos: no cable, everyone can have a go.

Of course, the rest of us are having fun switching the mice. Not too often though...

It always takes them a while to figure out why the stuff isn't working like it should.

And a reboot doesn't help.

In the 5.25" floppy era, most of us were very very carefull not to harm the floppies.

They are quite fragile.

Indeed, quite often I got calls from customers that the system floppy of the product

they bought from us, was damaged and if I could send a new one please.

Accidents can happen, of course.

I never forget the face of the customer who once visited us and who gave me such a floppy, with

the question wether I could save some of the info on it.

No, couldn't be read on any of the computers, lots of errors, and an awful sound to match.

Right in front of his eyes, I ripped out the disc from it's envelope.

The horror in his eyes!

Harharhar.

Why don't they understand the importance of backups? Sigh.

Even the most technical guys don't make backups of their important stuff.

So when the harddisk crashea, their email is gone, their bookmarks,

their downloads, all the nice digital pictures, the letters that they didn't save yet on the server.

You know the excuses:

It was a new harddisk, less than a year old.

I was planning on doing that next week, all those letters, and my email to.

Well, I thought, most of my work isn;t that important to the company, because most of the work is done on the server, and that has a good backup. But I miss may email...

I am working with computers now for over 12 years, and the first thing I learned from my teacher, almost 13 years ago: do backup!

I am a DOS freak, I love it. I hate Windows, it is stupid, it is for people who are lazy, who don;t like to think too much about the inner workings of a computer (you don't know the inner workings of a car yourself..., they tell me).

Well, I am the one who is installing the nice DOS batch files on their computers and adding little buttons on their desktop on which they just have to doubleclick to start the backup. Easy as hell.

And of course, some of my colleagues still don't have a backup.

When their disk crashes, their mail is gone. And all the other personal things they rather wouldn't want to miss.

I do love it when I hear (once a year, and that is more than enough) that they could restore a file from those backups.

Listen, you all non-believers: learn to do it yourself. Do backup!!!

I do not work tech support for a company, but rather a small business some friends and I put together.

One night I was building the last computer for an order placed by a local business, when i recieved a phone call (it was about 8 pm). It was from a guy who had recieved a computer from our business a week earlyer. He apparenly bought a new video card and installed it, but it wouldn't work. After 20 or so minutes of helping him over the phone, i told him that i would come over and take a look at it on my way home. When i got to his house (it was atleast 10 pm by now) he invited me in and showed me to his computer. when i walked in the room i saw his old AGP video card laying on the desk. Next to it i was horrified to see small pieces of green silicon with gold connectors still attached to it. I looked in his computer, and realized he bought a new PCI video card and had CUT the connector at the bottem of it to fit into the AGP slot.

"If you bloody brain dead bastards dont fix this bloody computer .... I'm gonna blow some bastards up!" *click* *beep beep beep*

While there are plenty of stupid lusers out there, they seldom manage to as creative in their stupidity as people working in computer stores

One of our customers had bought one of our CD-writers and couldn't get it to work. At one point I asked what other IDE devices he had in the system, turned out he had two harddisks, a CD-ROM and an LS-120.

Now, this seemed a bit odd to me since he only had the standard two IDE interfaces, so *how* did he manage to connect a total of five different IDE devices to it???

Turned out he had actually realised that he lacked the neccessary connections on the cables so he turned to his dealer for help

The dealer took an IDE cable and added one more connector to it...

It took me quite a while to explain to the genuinly surprised customer why his writer wouldn't work

me tech support how may I help u

her yes I cant connect

me ok what is the error message that u get

her I dont know

me ok what does it do when u try and connect

her it dosent give me a dial tone

me ok how do u have the lines hooked up in the back of your computer do u have it in the jack that says line

her well theres only one spot to plug it in

me "thinking ok she has a network card" is there a little green light next to the jack

her yes

me Mam u have to get amodem for you to be able to connect

her dont I have one no what u have is a network card

her wont that work

me only if your on a network

I work for a good-sized ISP doing Tech Support, so i get alot of the usual stupid people. The last odd one i received was from a lady wanting to know if we made copies of video tapes. SO i put her on hold, laugh a bit, and then i compose my self, and tell her that sadly, we do not....

THis is kind of a lame tale, but i thought it was kinda funny.

I'm a PC tech at a retail distribution center office.

A user called to state that their diskette drive did

not work. When I got there, he said, "Let me demon-

strate", and proceeded to insert the diskette, sit

back, wrap his arms over his stomach, then state,

"See! It doesn't work!" Turns out he was expecting

his laptop to work like his Mac at home, which creates

an icon when inserting a CD-ROM, for example. He has

used PCs for over 4 years.

How frequently is it that people mess up the connections on their Modem? Too often do they have the phone line plugged into phone, and the phone plugged into line. Recently I heard the funniest excuse possible:

"I switched them around on purpose. When I tried it the other way around it sounded like a fax machine. I thought something was wrong."

Why can't there be some sort of entrance exam before you qualify to buy a computer?

Our company started with my partner and me working home.

We quite well remember the day we bought our first printer.

Almost 13 years ago, and it was a matrix printer. Nothing special.

But we didn't have any budget, so we were quite happy with it.

It printed like a charm. The first day. The next day, not.

Some characters printed OK, others not, other others differed from what they should be.

We were confused, what did we do wrong?

We left the door open!

The door to the office.

Our nice cats chewed on that lovely smelling new cable which tasted soooo nice.

Some of the small cables inside were gone, some were barely left others were ok.

We didn't explain why we needed the new cable.

And we shut the door to the office, and even though we've grown from 2 to 25, we still

have one office at home, and at night the door is shut!

In the middle of a queue spike on a Saturday afternoon, I pulled a call and said

ME: Thank you for calling (brand name computer here)Tech Support, can I get the serial number fo you machine, please.

EU: Sure, hold on.

(sound in background) FLUSH!

K.C.

I'm now getting internet access through my cable line, which is much faster than the telephone. When the system was installed, the "provision" (that's what the installer called the provider!) was down, so he couldn't show me how the system worked. He did, however, give me an 800 helpline number. Which I called a few days later:

Me: I recently signed up for TCI@home, with Netscape, and I can't find my e-mail. Can you help me?

Tech Support: You'd better ask someone knowledgeable, like a neighbor.

I work in faculty tech support at a major university. Sometimes it is truly frightening how many of these highly intelligent university professors and deans have absolutely no idea how to operate a computer. Just a few of my favorite stories.

E for Effort

I get a call from the dean of students.

Me: “Hello, XXXX technical support can I help you?”

Him: “Yes, this is Dean XXXXX. My laser printer is out of toner. I have a new cartridge.”

Me: “….”

Him: “Well, could you come install it for me?”

Needless to say I went up and took the largely printed instructions out of the box. Pulled the old toner cartridge out and slid the new one in. This man has a Phd.

A few weeks later, same guy calls “My laptop won’t see my disk drive can you fix it?” I quickly ran up the stairs (they keep us in the basement) and grabbed his laptop, bringing it down to the dungeon so as not to bother him while he worked. I got downstairs and booted up, but when I went to insert a disk to check it out, I noticed a piece of green paper sticking out of the drive. You guessed it, the man had inserted a disk complete with the post-it note someone had attached to it which had, of course become lodged in the drive. At least he had the good grace to laugh at himself when I explained what the problem was.

Where is that button again?

While doing a routine Y2k check on the psychology department I went into the department head’s office. There written on the front of her Dell in Sharpie Marker were the words ON/OFF next to the power button. My first thought was there are a grand total of four buttons on the front of that machine, only one is big and round… Then I thought, this is the department head? Wouldn’t you rather press the wrong button a few times than have every person who comes into your office know you are a moron?

Help I can’t see over my nose!

My favorite story of all time was from my first year in tech support (as a freshman). I went over to the art history department because some lady had deleted half of the system files on her mac. Needless to say I had to boot off of an external and selectively replace a lot of them. As I’m doing so she starts a conversation. First telling me about the horrible study habits of a friend of mine who I’d mentioned was in one of her classes. Then she starts in on undergrads in general. How they have no clue and are infinitesimally stupid etc. etc. I take it all without a word and finally she asks, “so are you a graduate student in computer science or something?” I said sweetly

“me? Nooooo I’m a freshman history major.” It was one of the greatest looks I have ever seen on another human being. Her jaw just about hit the floor. Then she starts in on how,

“In my field a freshman could never know enough to….” I cut her off,

“well m’am its all fixed if you have any more problems give us a call and I’ll be happy to come over and take a look.”

My company supported CBT (computer based training) developers for years.

During 2 years, we also were dealer of a package to create examinations and tests,

including software to do the tests on a computer, to scan in and store the results.

A very nice and modern concept. Minor point: it was a DOS package.

My company was quite small. I did marketing, helpdesk, admin, invoicing and user group (not USA).

That was not the worst part. Our users were quite smart people (except for buying the program...).

The really worst part was the developer of the program (in the USA).

He was not the best programmer we've ever seen, but not too bad either.

But he didn't listen to normal end user requests, only to requests of the really big customers.

And he really hated doing bug fixes. At least a quarter of the program was not usable because of

these bugs, and he just refused to fix them or -most of the time- ignored bug reports.

Not just bugs like typos, but real system crashers, even some that corrupted all data of a customer.

He only liked to add new features and complete new subsections to the program.

I thought it was a good idea to create a list of known bugs and send that to the customers on a regular basis.

Together with the most faithful customers, I created that list.

After 2 years of being a dealer, the list was 7 pages full, small print.

I maintained two versions, an English one and one in the language of my country

(I don't dare to say who we are, what the name of the package is, which country we are,

because of possible legal steps...). I sent the English version to the programmer in the USA on a

regular basis.

Our dealership ended quite soon, with a legal threat, we were not allowed to ever being involved with this program.

He now has a new dealer, one who's only concern is money,

no word about bugs, no user meetings, no courses. Help desk service is 'thank you for calling,

we will send your remarks to the producer of the program, goodbuy'.

Last thing I heard the user base in my country dropped down during the last 4 years for over 30%.

There even is a Windows version, since some 3 years.

My, I am happy not being a dealer any longer. But I really feel sorry for all those nice people, the end users.

I was working at a helpdesk for a Norwegian telephone company when a woman from our research department called.

(her) Help, there's something wrong with my harddisk fan !

(me) The harddisk fan, mam ? Don't you mean the powersupply fan ?

(her) No, it's the fan in the big white harddisk under my desk.

(me) Thats the PC mam, but nevermind, what seems to be wrong with it?

(her) No, it's the harddisk fan, and when I press the power button, it only spins for a few seconds, then it stops!

at this point I gave up on explaining what a harddisk was, and to move on to the problem.

(me) Alright. Now, what about the lights on the front of your "harddisk", are they on ?

(her) NO, there all off, I'm telling you, there's something wrong with my harddisk fan

(me) Allright mam, have you checked all the cables ?

(her) no.

(me) could you please look under your desk and see if all the cables are properly connected to your "harddisk" ?

At this point she started arguing how something could happen to the cables under her desk, and obviously not wanting to go under there. Finaly she gave up, and looked.

(her) There is nothing wrong here, all the cables are connected.

(me) Look at the floor too, are you sure there is no cable laying loose there.

(her) Yes .... oh wait a minute, there is one large black one here.

That was the problem, she probably had kicked loose the powercable somehow, and when she reconected it, everything worked again. Thats how i fixed the "harddisk fan" problem.

But did she thank me ? NO

This call happened to a coleague while I was working for a Norwegian computer manufacturer. One of our (so called) tech's called in from a different part of the country.

Amazing what they hire as computer support persons in the less civilized part of the country.

(tech) Hi, I'm setting up this new pc for a customer, and I seem to be needing one more PCI port!

(support) ... OK! would you like me to send you one ?

(tech) could you do that ? It would really help me out!

(support) Sure, do you want me to attach it with an e-mail perhaps?

(tech) Yeah, that would be great, send it to "stupid@brain.no".

Needless to say, the guy never got his e-mail. He never called back either, so somebody probably explained what a pci port is.

Still, this gave us all a good laugh.

This is too funny and it was a company wide broadcast!

(For an alleged leader in the computer industry, at that!!)

To: xxxxxx@inacom.com

cc:

Subject: Gnat Problem

TO: THE PLEASANTON TEAM

FROM: INACOM FACILITIES DEPARTMENT

SUBJECT: GNAT PROBLEM

As many of you have noticed, the Pleasanton building is currently

experiencing a problem with gnats. This problem is caused by bananas that

have ripened for too long and are left out. The gnats are carried on the

skin of the fruit and are released when the fruit has become too ripe. Our

exterminators have looked at the problem and at this time the suggestion is

to do nothing as the fix is much worse then the problem. This problem will

fix itself as the weather gets cooler and the gnats die off.

Please look around your area and be sure that you do not have any fruit that

is left out.

Thank you.

A lady called in asking why our software kept putting adult sites into the address bar and how to remove them. I politely informed her how but also informed her that they had to be directly typed in for them to show up there and that our software would not put them there. She then screamed out at the top of her lungs, "my sons are not gay!!!!" It turned out that she had 4 sons ranging in age from 13 to 18 and also her husband who all also used this computer. All of the sites on the address bar led to hardcore gay porn.

I work for a technical company that sells & services computers locally. Anyway, this is a hilarious call I got.

Me: Thank you for calling ******* support line, how can i help?

Him: Yeah I bought a computer from you guys and I got it today, and now it doesn't work.

Me: (HHMM...Good Detailed Problem Eh?) What seems to be the problem sir?

Him: Well when i pulled the thing out of the box I accidently spilled a can of pop on the TV thing.

Me: That's not too good, did you spill it into the inside of the monitor or just onto the display?

Him: Well, I think some leaked inside so I took it outside, and hosed off the sucker.

Me: (Laughing HYSTERICALLY) Sir, your monitor needs to be kept in a cool..DRY ENVIORMENT, if you get water inside your monitor you most likley have shorted it out and will need to buy a new one. The policy of computer damage is clearly stated in your users's manual.

Him: Are you *(S&**** with me? I just got the damn thing, and all I did was clean it, now I suppose your going to tell me that I shouldn't hvae hosed off the Box thing that came with it?

Me: You mean the Computer Tower?

Him: Yeah, big old rectangle box that had a few slots in the front, i took off the shell of it and hosed that off while I was doing the monitor.

Me: (Hitting the mute button as fast as i could and burst out laughing)

**Needless to say he had to order an entire computer because 'Hosing It Off' isnt' covered under our standard warrenty. Hope ya have enjoyed this one :)

It was about two years ago and I needed to do some work experience for high school. I decided to do my work experience at a small local computer shop that amazingly gets a lot of business. The work experience went for one week and it was about halfway through the week and this woman had brought her computer in a couple of days before. The tech guy they're wanted me to check the computer out defrag it and such and I think the woman wanted a small upgrade. We looked at the back of the computer an found that it had 3 serial ports, not knowing which ones worked, the tech guy got me to do a loop-back test on the each serial port. Port 1 and 2 worked fine, until I got to the last port! The computer wouldn't detect it. I told the tech guy and he look at it and said that port probably doesn't work, I move over to the computer when smoke starts to pore out of the computer and I shout turn-it-off turn-it-off really loudly! I think to myself oh-oh I'm in trouble, since I was only a work experience person I am going to have to pay for the damage. The tech guys looks a little worried, but not to much and I ask him if that has ever happed to him before and he says "no". eeek!

The tech guy opens the computer and I think the whole thing must be melted, but at close inspection only some of the wires connection the serial port the main port are melted. The tech guys looks at it and says that the wires either shorted together or the cords were around the wrong way. I am relieved that the computer is not a total wreck, we take out the 3rd serial port, not needing it all. I turn on the computer and it works fine and I am relieved! =)

I work for a commercial real estate firm doing desktop publishing. I'm more computer literate than some coworkers, less than others.

Sometimes the scary part is dealing with folks outside the firm who have computers but forgot to buy a clue at the same time.

One of our brokers asked me to email a copy of one of our property flyers to an interested party plus some extra photos.

I had the copy of the flyer ready to go but needed to scan the photos. So I sent the flyer out in a separate email & told them the photos would be along shortly.

I get several emails saying the flyer arrived OK, but that they're having problems accessing the photos.

Two things to remember -- one, the photos were sent as "tif" files & two, I've had coworkers who were clueless when it came to graphics & complained that when they doubleclicked on the graphics "they wouldn't open." There would then be 15 minutes of first explaining why you can't open a "tif" file direct, you need to import into a document & then, how to do that (step by step by step).

Figuring this was the case with the woman at the other end, I tried to explain all of this to her. And tried & tried & tried. (SFX -- me banging my head on the desk) I knew we had a major problem when I attempted to clarify that she knew the difference between left clicking & right clicking with the mouse. She got huffy & said at one point, well, I NEVER have had a problem with my email before. I always just double right click & it opens up!

Me -- um, you've got a system that has you double right click to open your email???

I repeated that several times before she said -- oops, I meant double left click.

I finally just gave up & used an alternate method to send her the photos. I haven't heard back from her so I guess that worked.

Had a good one...

Doing standard OEM support for a major PC manufacturer which we only support two OS's (W95/NT) and come across a good one. Don't remember verbatim the issue/call at hand, but she needed to reinstall the OS on one of our units. It was an older unit, out of the 1st year of support we gave them for free, but it was a basic issue. The PC didn't ship w/ the OS recovery like the newer ones do and she had to make the backups upon first boot, many many moons, eons, light years ago.

Well, she was an extreme NOVICE, I can't emphasize that enough, and her immediate unit was dealing w/ NT. Bad combo. Well, I told her she needed to download the DOS CD drivers from our www site and make the DOS CD boot disk. The readme would walk her through it. I told her how to create a boot disk and asked if she had another W95 or DOS machine around so I could walk her through that portion and get her out of my hair. She had other W95's in her office. So I told her how to create a DOS diskette in windows on her terms: Start--)Run--)Format a: /s. Simple enough.

Well, she tells me she has a DOS machine nearby. She also happened to be running some custom shell. Well, we finally exit her shell, after explaining since this isn't the OEM config, I could not show her how. her Help Desk (thank god) was also conferenced in. So they told her. Well, I told her what she needed to do. She proceeded to type "Start Run format a:/s" Needless to say, we get invalid parameters. I told her she just needs to concern herself w/ everything after the Run when dealing w/ DOS.

Well we get a disk, but it turns out we boot w/ that and get "Starting PC DOS". Needless to say, she was about to meet my best friend, Dr. Dialtone. I told her to get to her W95 unit, create her disk, and call back.

Tech: Thank you for calling xxx technical Support, my names is xxx how may I help you?

Caller: Well, I 'm getting this problem with my modem and well, can you tell me how to fix it?

Tech:(I walk the caller through and find the problem and fixed it then...)Okay miss, now you'll just have to close all the remainning windows and reboot and you should be ready to go

Caller: Oh Great! Okay, just a sec.

(I hear her put the phone down and hear in the background things bing closed and some squeeks, she comes back all out of breath and says:Few, okay, I closed all the windows!)

I answer all my calls with the same intro: "Thank you for calling ****, my name is Amy, may I have your area code and phone number?" I constantly get the question "Are you a real person?"

I'm tempted to answer, "No, I'm an Automated Member Interface, called AMI for short." But I usually tell them I'm a real person.

These are the same people that when I ask for their phone number, I get the answer "beep beep boop beep..." as they dial it in. I'm never sure quite what to say to that one. My colleague suggests "This unit is not programmed for tone input. Please give verbal input." *sigh* Somehow I suspect they'd still be dialing in their phone numbers.

I do voluntary tech support for a computer user group I belong to. I was approached by an older gentleman who told me that whenever he surfs to a particular web site, he is presented with an error dialog that says his Internet connection is not optimized. I tell him that I am not familiar with any such message in the system. He then shows me a floppy disk and tells me he received this disk after paying $35 and that if I could install this for him it should take care of the problem. The program appears to be some kind of web cache program.

It turns out he mistook a banner ad on the web page for an error dialog and ordered the program.

*Sigh*

I work for large, national ISP in tech support. One of our

new hires has been rather cruelly nicknamed "Death" due

to the fact that he is about 2,000 years old and has an

oxygen tank he always has to carry around; needless to say,

an odd thing to see in a business largely dominated by

young males. Anyways, one day, while taking one of his first

calls for his training, a customer called him with a password

error. As most of you probably know, the most common problem

is that either the password or username are mistyped,

typically meaning they're in all caps. So, while asking the

customer if their un/pw is in all lowercase, Death says, and

I quote, "And you'd better make damn well sure that it's

in all lowercase letters."

>From what I hear, the customer just said, "Yes, sir."

i work on a help desk for a large company; we do over-the-phone support for brokers and such. we're told that when we get a call from an employee involving unsupported software or hardware [non-business related or purchased from outside the company] to give our 'best effort', and then let it go; it's a bit of a gray area that we occasionally suffer from. oh, the horror...

user: i need help installing 'free cell' [yes, the game] to my palm pilot from the internet.

me: well, unfortunately that's not really something i can help you with.

user: [ignoring me] a technician had told me earlier i just needed to click onto 'feedback' to unlock my computer.

me: [rolling with this] your computer is locked up?

user: no.

me: ok... was it locked up previously?

user: [moving on] well, what i'd like to do is install 'free cell' on my palm pilot so that i can play it while i'm travelling - it helps me relax.

me: ok. i can't help you install a game onto a piece of company equipment.

user: oh, i don't use it for business.

me: well, i certainly can't help you install a game onto equipment that you don't use for business, either.

user: [undaunted] i tried to install the game from the internet, at the site the salesman told me to go, but the site is locked.

me: [remembering earlier comment] do you mean 'blocked'?

user: i guess so. the technician told me to click on 'feedback' to make it work, but i have no idea what that means.

me: [guessing] could they have been referring to the 'feedback' selection on our company home page? it allows you to send comments about issues/problems you might be having with intra- or internet sites.

user: yeah, that's it. where is that so i can click it?

me: well, i think what the technician might have been suggesting was that you use the 'feedback' function to email the Web Administrator in regards to your inability to get to a blocked site; when our customers make attempts to get to sites that have been 'blocked' by our firewall, they can put in requests to have them unblocked, provided they can justify the request.

user: [excited now] oh, well let's do that!

me: i think it's reasonable to assume that they're not going to let you get to this site.

user: [shocked] why not?

me: because you're asking permission from the company to use their computer with their internet connection to download a game for your personal use to a non-company owned piece of equipment.

user: but i love 'free cell'! i want to play it on my palm pilot! it soothes my mind and makes me more productive. don't you think they'd cut me a break?

me: i seriously doubt it. do you have access to a non-wheat internet connection and computer?

user: yes, i have one at home.

me: [pause] have you tried to download the game at home?

user: no. do you think that would be easier?

me: considerably.

user: great! can i call you guys from there to walk me through it?

me: [longer pause] no... this is not a supported issue in any way whatsoever.

user: [back to earlier plea] but it helps me relax and makes me more productive!

me: you have my sympathies... but i cannot use company resources and time to help you install a game to your own computer. i'm certain that the site in question has a help line of some sort if you run into problems.

user: [boldly switching tracks] the salesman told me i could access the internet on the palm pilot, but i haven't had any luck with that. i'm supposed to be able to get to the internet w/o being physically connected to anything.

me: [foolishly taking the bait] wait... you mean, they told you that you could connect to the internet without plugging into a telephone line? does it have a wireless modem, allowing cellular connection?

user: no, it has the internet on the chip inside.

me: [recoiling in fear] um... maybe you should speak to the salesman you bought your palm pilot from about these problems.

user: yeah, if i can't get 'free cell' on it, i'm going to take it back. that's the only reason i bought it.

me: [stunned] you... [recovery] ok.

user: well, thanks for your help!

me: eeeeeeeeee

I was discussing my newly upgraded computer with a boyfriend of one of my friends at school. when I ask him,

"When you turn on your computer how many kilobytes of memory does it say your computer has?"

"Kilobytes?"

"Yes, you know it says XXX KB okay?"

"Oh, my KEYBOARD has like 8 megs"

"your keyboard?"

"yes that's what the KB stands for"

"ummm,no it doesn't"

"Yes it does, that's what it stood for on my old commodore 64!"

he still maintains that KB means keyboard memory

Hi, get your billing telephone number, so that I can pull your account up?

I want my number Off the list...

I am not sure what do you mean by that?

I want it off your list...

Well if I can get your number I can access your account, and we can go from there one.

You listen to me! I want it off your list today, or I am contacting Attorney General, and BBB.

I can't help you sir, unless I get you phone number, it is the only way I can access your account...

You know I am sick and tired of you people calling me every day! I am going to contact my lawyer! Bye!

A couple of years ago I was working as a tech in a little store, and one day, I got this call..

Me: Hi this is ***** Tech sercice, how can I help you?

Lady: My disk drive isn't workin' how it is supposed to work?

Me: Well, you just have to insert the diskette in the drive

Lady: I did but nothing happens when i'm trying to read it.

After all regular checkups, the drive was still unable to read the diskette. Then I asked her to come at the store so I could take a look.

when I see the thing... I was unable not to laugh in her face... she had a 3"1/2 Drive, and she folded a 5"1/4 diskette in the disk drive.

And the worst part... she asked: Why are you laughing at me? What did I do wrong?

---

Another cool one....

Me: Hi this is ***** Tech sercice, how can I help you?

Client: My cofee cup holder is broke, how does it cost to fix it?

M: Your what?

C: My coffee cup holder!

M: Can you describe it for me, i don't see what you're talking about

The guy describes me his CD-Rom... he was using the tray as a Coffee Cup holder.

Dumb Dumb Dumb.

I'm female and working with computers for almost 13 years.

Some of the tales on this site have been submitted by me,

and I certainly will send in some more. As a programmer

who did a lot of helpdesk work, me too has quite some stories.

I just read one contribution from March in this site about

that solitaire game from the big Bill Business. Which reminded

me that I really really hate everything that is connected

to Bill. Anyway. When I get the change, I like to fool them

around as well.

One day, some time ago, I was working my way into Windows,

learning what all that DDE and DLL stuff is. Yegh. But there

was this big exhibition in town about software, so I go there.

Walking around, one of the few females on her own (geeez,

it was only 10 years ago, not the Medieval ages, women do

use computers, look around on this site, lots of techies!)

and I became quite pissed of that the only other females

were the partners of computer-crazed men, and bunny girls in

tight suits parading around to attract man to that wonderful

software product their company was offering (well, their

company, just hired for their looks).

So I arrive at the stand of Bill Business, looking around,

seeing mostly air and no substance. But hey, there I see

a screen with info about developing toolkits yourself, about

DDE and DLL. Nice, lemme see. I sit down and start reading,

scrolling, and I was even tempted to ask for more info.

This young guy in a posh suit comes walking towards me:

Hello little lady, is there something I can explain about

all these nice software thingies?

Que? Little lady? I'm 6 foot 6, I'm a programmer, I own

my own company, I teach boys like this how to use our

software and how to program. After counting to ten (smoke

must have come out of my ears) I knew I had him.

I started simple. This is a real Windows PC, isn't it?

His happy face couldn't be any more happier.

Yes little lady, this is all windows, it is the door to the

future, and we will all be very happy with this, our lives

will be much more happy.

Ah, so it will be more easy to make new programs with Windows,

not as difficult as it used to be?

Noooo, it will be much much much easier, you are completely right.

Nice, do you think I could learn how to make these programs?

Of course you can, everybody can do that, it's as simple as

baking a cake in your oven at home.

Nice, nice, please can you explain to me how to avoid bugs

like the blue screen of death while I am programming some

DDE's and DLL's for a connection between the multimedia

authoring system and the text editor? My computer often

crashes when I let the compiler run a test version. I am sure

I've got enough memory, but maybe I am addressing the memory

in a wrong way. Because you just said it was soooo easy,

I am sure you can explain that to me, you know, me just

being just a little lady.

At that point I stood up from the chair I was sitting on,

and I was quite right in my estimate of his length: more than

a head shorter than me.

He began to stutter, his face went red, he told me he did have

no idea what I was talking about and that he would try to find

one of their senior programming staff to talk to me, because

obviously I would be an important client.

I laughed in his face, told him to stuff it in his &&& and

walked away, laughing like a demon.

Hah, some men...

I am developing

Just told you that story about me bullying one of Bill's boys.

Being a tech female with my own company brought me in quite

some amusing situations.

Like, a couple of weeks after we hired our first account manager.

That was over 3 years ago. He is now the only male member

of our 4 person management team and doing fine. Quite a nerdy

account manager, knowing his way around computers. But in

the beginning, he was not very self-assured. He had made

two websites on his own before he came working for us, and before

that he finished his study where he learned how to become

an account manager (sales, project management, marketing,

lots of blah blah as well...).

The two of us went to what is now our biggest client. We were

visiting a manager of that firm, and he was a bit macho. Not

annoyingly macho, just a bit.

Since our account manager has quite a bad handwriting, and

because I am a very very fast writer, I took notes and he did

most of the talking. Beginning with the easy stuff, later

going to the more tech stuff. And yes, he mentioned I was

his boss, but hey, clients not always listen that well.

At one point, the conversation was coming to programming and

database design, and the client asked some technical questions.

I answered with quite some tech detail, and it seemed to be

more technical than the client could consume.

He started with a sentence like "but how do you know all of

this, you're just a female, a secretary of this wonderful

man who explained everything in understandable words and

sentences, how how how?". Not exact these words, but the

look on his face made it that way.

On our way back to the office, we did have a good laugh.

And next month we got our biggest order ever. From this

same guy. Maybe he really thought I was just a secretary,

and maybe he thought that if even the secretaries of our

company were this high-tech, than what about the rest.

Yeah, right.

Working tech support in a university library has its moments;

a couple of classics:

We used to print a complex report on 5-part carbonless forms,

and distribute copies to branch libraries. One day, one of

the recipients requested that her copies not include the

data in one of the columns. When we told her that would be

difficult, because we were making 5 copies at a time, she

asked, "Well, couldn't you just cut out the carbon paper on

that column?" The truly scary part of this is that she went

on to become a computer paper salesperson....

When we deployed a new public catalog product using a GUI

interface, one of the reference librarians called us to ask

"Would it be okay to put stickers on the mouse buttons so

people will know which is the right button and which is the

left?" This was one of our more technically savvy people,

too....

I just think of it as job security :)

I work for a small ISP in upstate New York.

I was reading some of the tales on this site and heard my Oulook Express new mail sound. This is the message I received from a customer..

Gentlemen

This is NOT an advantage to me!

No auto spell check, in fact, none at all!

Terrible noise on connecting

difficult address useage! How do you?

Screen does not PLAINLY show what I have up in operation.

Apparently my cc did not just now (copy to)

I am going to wait till first of week, but unless you can show me my errors, aol is worth more per month!

Wha?

I was not able to witness this first hand, but I'm sure i

would have lost our contract witht he company if I had.

This is one for how stupid an IS dept. can be.

The company I used to work for used to contract out some

employees to help various businesses in the area. One of our

clients had an IMS department that made me wonder how they

ever got thier jobs. First off, they paid us $125 an hour

for one of our techs to install Win95 on thier systems and

do basic upgrades like Evergreen overdrive CPUs, ram, and

hard drives on site. They also would contract one of our

MCSE's to help them with thier network (god knows they

needed it). So one day the head of the IMS dept was tinkering

on thier main NT server. The server had 2 8.4 gig IDE drives

mirrored to protect thier data. For some unknown reason, the

guy decides to pull the IDE cable out of the C: drive while

it is running NT and under a heavy load. AS you can guess,

the data on the drive got scrambled and even the drive was

screwed. So he takes the other mirror-imaged 8.4 for copying

to a new HDD so the server could be put back online. Well

somehow walking across the floor, his foot gets caught up in

a network cable and he drops the drive on the cement floor.

Our engineer said you could her the platters ring like a

bell. So they spent the next 4-5 hours bringing the server

back and restoring all the data from the slowass tape drive.

gotta love the IMS

We create Websites for rather large companies.

Most of our contact persons are very smart people.

But even the smartest ones are not the one with a lot of experience.

New project. Client insists on a screen resolution of 640*480 for the website.

We try to convince him it would be better to create a site that is resolution independant,

so that people with a better resolution like 800*600 or 1024*768 would see a nice screen as well.

Well, no, their target group had been defined very well, and most of them would have monitors

that offered 640*480 at best.

Mmm. And you are targeting the upper class market?

Yes.we do, and the results are clear as glass.

OK, but please think of the consequences.

It really is easier to do it the other way.

No no, really, take our word for it, 640*480.

We made sure we documented this and we got it confirmed.

So we created this website for 640*480.

It was a nice site, good layout, with some nice animated GIFs,

no Javascript or Java (this was 2 years ago). Just nice.

Within a week after the site was opened for the public

our contact person called. The site looks awkward when you

have your resolution set to 600*800, and it looks ridiculous

when you set it to 1024*768: it's just a little box in an enormous

window. Why did we make it that way.

With a big grin we explained it. We referred to several emails

and even to the final offer they signed. it was all in there,

including our recommendations to do it the other way.

The got angry, called us a bunch of frauds, wrote us a letter in

which they ended the contract, and they would look for another provider.

A day later, we got a call from another provider. They asked

how come, you people our good at your work, we know you well.

We explained (and thanked for the compliments and returned them,

we knew them as well).

They explained to the customer as well it was really their own fault.

The customer is still with us. They pay well.

And now they listen a bit better. Their website is very very nice, and

scalable...

And the other provider? Also doing well. We are friends.

We agreed we don't need to have eachother's customers.

One day our neighbour knocked on the door. Since they

knew we worked with computers, we were their victim to

help them.

They bought a Swedish computer from a friend, for just

US$ 800. This was 10 years ago, and this is Europe...

He couldn't get it to start. He just wanted to do word

processing, a bit of accounting and some games.

We looked at the computer and had trouble to not laugh.

It needed a tape, and a TV as monitor. The keyboard was

not standard issue either.

OK, I told him, give me the manuals and the tapes

and I will spend two hours on it, maximally.

Manuals? Why would I need them, I am a computer expert, right?

Yes, but I know nothing about computers of 15 years old that

are not compatible with IBM PC, Mac, Apple, Commodore, etc.

The tapes are even worse. Completely worn out, ghastly condition.

They looked like they were used as beer glass padds. They surely

wouldn't work anymore

The computer wouldn't start up either. No noise, no light, nothing,

when I turned the switch to ON.

I told them they wasted their money. They couldn't believe it.

I guess the guy who sold them this stuff, had a very very good day.

Almost 13 years ago, we started our own company. That means,

we also had to do the books. Yegh. OK, we are programmers,

so let's see how to handle that. Buy an off-the-shelf program

or make something with a spreadsheet program?

Not a big decision. All off-the-shelf stuff was expensive,

no GUI's, dumb shortcut keys, did not contain the features

we needed, etc.

Ok, so I made something with our spreadsheet of choice: Reflex.

It was a program of Borland, a company I appreciated greatly

for their compact programming and abundance of features.

For many years, our administration and bookkeeping and personnel

info was done in this spreadsheet program. It was very fast (hence the name),

it didn't cost much memory, it used disk space scarcely, very very compact.

But no Windows version. We used DOS versions 1.0, 1.1 and 2.0 and that was the end

of it.

Now we use an off-the-shelf program, Multivers, for the administration and bookkeeping,

but I hate it. It's Windows and it contains a lot of features Reflex didn't offer.

But it is bug ridden. It doesn't contain a lot of things Reflex does. It's

slow! A database of 1,000 records is over 5 times the size of my

original Reflex database of 11,000 records.

My old 80486 with Win 3.11 and Reflex finds a record in the 11,000 record database faster

than the Pentium II 350 Mhz with Win98 and Multivers with only 1,000 records.

I just can't explain it to my colleagues. DOS is archaic, why

do I like it so much, I really must be stupid. Yep, I must be.

And Bill and his friends must have convinced the world that larger and slower and buggier is better.

I really hope that Linux will win from Windows.

I swear, sometimes I think all the idiots live in the south, and they subscribe to our ISP services. The day was already beginning to be idiot-day, but this one just baffled me. This lady seemed innocent enough (as they all do, until you get to the problem...)

After I get through the usual spiel getting the info, I ask her what I can do for her...

Customer: Well, you can get the remote computer to reconnect my port.

Me: (baffled for a moment) The error you got was "port was disconnected by the remote computer"?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Well, let's go to my computer, control panels, and modems. Read me what you have in there...

The customer proceeds to read off 7 modems, most of which I know for a fact are not the correct modem (1 28.8 modem, the rest are 300 and 2400 baud modems). I get her started on removing some of the modems, and then she throws out another question...

Customer: Will I get these back?

Me: No, ma'am, most of these don't belong in there, and they'll only confuse your computer.

Thankfully, that seemed to pacify her, and the rest of the call went off fine.

My company has about 30 salesmen going around the country

(Argentina) with notebooks. Whenever they have a problem

they call me, long distance. Some had never used a

computer before, but others just seemed to have been found

frozen into an iceberg, survivors from the ice ages.

Salesman: "Hello, Jorge. I'm having some trouble with this

program. Says something and then stops."

Me: "Did you write down the message?"

Salesman: "No"

Me: "Do you have the notebook with you?"

Salesman: "Yes"

Me: "Great"

Seconds pass by...

Salesman: "Hello?"

Me: "Yes, I'm here. What does it say?"

Salesman: "What"

Me: "The message, what does it say?"

Salesman: "I don't remember, I didn't write it down..."

Me: "Yes, you told me... uh, are you running the program?"

Salesman: "No"

Me: (Argh) "Please do, and try to do the same you were

doing when you got the message"

Seconds turn into a minute, then another minute...

Me: "So?"

Salesman: "What"

Me: "Did you get the message?"

Salesman: "Yes"

Me: (exasperated) "So, are you going to tell me what it

says?"

Salesman: "I don't know what it says, it's in English"

(Spanish is the official language in Argentina)

Me: "It's ok, just read the words to me"

Salesman: "I don't know how to pronounce them"

Me: "Doesn't matter, just read them as if it was Spanish"

Salesman: "RECORD OUT OF RANGE"

It was a Foxpro program. That meant a corrupted index.

No big deal. I thought.

Me: "Ok, no big deal. Exit the program"

Seconds...

Me: "Done?"

Salesman: "Just a second"

More seconds...

Me: "Well?"

Salesman: "..."

Me: "Hello!"

Salesman: "It takes a while"

Me: "What is it doing?" Then I heard the notebook beep...

that meant a cold boot...

Me: "Er, how did you exit the program?"

Salesman: "I pushed the purple button and then pushed again"

The only purple button is the power switch.

Me: "Why didn't you exit as you always do???"

Salesman: "I always do it this way!"

No wonder indexes were screwed up...

Me: "Ok, the eighth menu option will take you to the DOS

prompt"

Salesman: "What?"

Me: "Press eight"

Salesman: "Ok"

Me: "You see at the bottom of the screen C:\) ?"

Salesman: "Yes"

Me: "Now, type CD FOXPRO2"

Salesman: "... ok"

Me: "Now you should see C:\FOXPRO2)"

Salesman: "Yes... well... yes"

Me: "Do you see it or not?"

Salesman: "It says C:\)CD FOXPRO2"

Me: (almost sobbing) "Press ENTER"

Salesman: "Ok"

Me: "Ok, now..."

Salesman: (interrupting) "Says BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME"

Me: "What? Can't be!" (As far as I know no user has been

able to erase an internal DOS command, though I'm pretty

sure they have tried)

Me: "Let's try again, must be a typo. Type C, D, SPACE,

F, O, X, P, R, O, 2. Ok? Now, ENTER"

Salesman: "BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME"

We tried two more times with the same result.

Me: "Damn. Are you sure you are typing C and not S? Did

you type the number 2 or the word TWO?"

Salesman: "I typed what you told me"

Me: "Read it to me. Spell it" (I was prepared for the

moment when he would read "SPACE" to me)

Salesman: "C, D, F, O, X, P, R, O, 2"

Me: "Sounds right... but it was C, D, SPACE, F, O, etc

right?

Salesman: "..."

Me: "Hello?"

Salesman: "What's a SPACE"

I worked with administrating rights, groups and users at a large company. They have 2 domains, each containing about 25 000 users. There are also alot of global groups, and for accessing a share on the corporate LAN you have to be a member of the right global group, which is then tied to a local group.

One of our users called in and was very upset. He said that he had been looking over the groups and it seemed as if there was something very strange going on because the groups did not contain the same set of users. He was referring to two global groups, seated in each domain, which gave access to one share.

I tried to explain to the man how NT works, but he just wouldn't listen.

Before I was working in the computer field, I used to manage a furniture store. Our POS systems were old Tandy 1000 systems with green monochrome monitors, which even for those days, were ancient. The people who had put in the systems, possibly in the mid-1980's, had gotten a hold of surplus parts, slapped a crude network together, and built practically bullet-proof code, only to mysteriously vanish as quickly as they had come. Now, ten years later, they were really showing their age. Their wisdom long forgotten, our home office's chief technical person was a woman with a slow Hispanic accent, who was a sort of Oracle of our network. Her source of knowledge came from an old three-ring binder with yellowing laminated pages. No one ever saw this book, but from her questions when something went wrong, I guessed she had some sort of basic flowchart that took her step by step through troubleshooting. Sadly, 90% of her answers involved her sending you a "new" (rebuilt, same system) computer in exchange for your old one. This was a problem because of the profit-bonus incentives was directly tied to anything your store costed out, so if your computer crashed, well, that was $500 out of this year's bonus...

I recall how enslaved this woman was to her notebook. This is a replay of a conversation we had once:

Me: When I enter in anything, I get "Item not found." I checked the master database file, and it shows zero bytes, I think it's corrupt.

Her: Hookay... go to dee main menu [This was actually a DOS prompt] and type een the followeeing... cee... den da colon... slash... dee.... eyeee.... arrr.....

Me: [trying to speed this up] You want me to do a directory search on what file?

Her: NOOO! [pause] type een the followeeing... cee... den da colon... slash... dee.... eyeee.... arrr..... den heet da space bar.... [and so on]

Me: Okay, that showed that the master database has zero bytes, like I told you before.

Her: Ohh... hokay, we send you a new wan.... [whole new system]

Me: No no... can you just mail me a new database file? You send me an updated file every Sunday night via the modem, can't you have the main computer re-send it right now, then we avoid the cost of rebuilding this machine, plus shipping.

Her: [long pause] Oh, I don know.... [flipping of laminated pages heard]... thees says your whole macheen ees busted. We send you a new wan... hokay?

Me: Listen, I know computers. I went to college for them. This system is fine, the master database file is corrupted. I can't justify $500 for a replacement for something that can be fixed by 20 minutes of modem time.

I finally persuaded her to send it to me, and even suggested how (I didn't know exactly how the system on her end worked, but I must have been close because she finally uploaded the file). The computer lady wasn't really stupid, she had just been put in charge of a system she barely understood by people who just sort of dumped the job on her. Now that I work in International Telecommunications, somedays I can sympathize... :)

I used to work for a local ISP, and one day a woman called in wanting to access her web page, but did not know how. I did not take the call, but we all laughed like hell listening to the poor guy who did.

Tech: Thank you for calling tech support, how may I help you?

Cust: Hi, I'd like to get to my web page. How do I do it?

T: Just type in www.isp.net/~your username.

C: What's a tilde?

T: It's a little sqiggley line.

C: Where is it?

T: It's on your keyboard.

C: I don't see it.

T: It's the key above the Tab key and to the left of the 1 key.

C: There's nothing there.

T: (muted sigh) Count backwards with me, 9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1...What's the key next to the 1 key?

C: The Tab key.

This went on like this for about 5 minutes, until the tech finally sent her an email _filled with tildes_. She finally got the point.

This one happened while I was doing 1st level tech support for a multinational tech support company...

I was on their internal helpdesk, which covers the corporate users, and also covers the various Government contracts. One day a woman calls, first she tells me that she is the network admin, first sign of trouble. Then she tells me that she cannot access the internet, Second sign. I ask her to open IE... She asks "What is IE?" Third sign, at this point, I'd normally asume that three strikes and I'm outta there, but some masochistic craving kept me going.

I ran through the standard taught her what a graphical browser was, helped her turn it on, Had her attempt to access several websites, had her try to ping yahoo... nothing worked.

Finally in desperation, I asked her to give me her IP address, IP she knew, and immediately told me that she couldn't give it out.

"Why not?"

"Because this computer is located in the Warroom of the Pentagon, Security is so tight here that no unatherized communications are allowed in or out..."

Needless to say, she somehow did not answer her own question, So I spent about an hour explaining it to her, as I contemplated the quiet serenity of pumping gas for a living...

Well, My name is Ben.. And this is one of the calls I had today, I was sitting at my desk doing the normal things like surf the web and some web design.. and then my phone rings.. By the way, I work for a small ISP in Virginia. I had a call today from a lady who said she couldn't get her email. So here's the convo:

Me: What's the error you are getting?

Her: It says cannot connect to pop.i******.net..

Me: are you connected to the Internet?

Her: Yes, but everytime I try to goto a web site it says it can't find it.

Me: How do you connect to the Internet?

Her: I open my browser up and I type in a web address.

Me: Do you actually connect to the internet?

Her: Huh?

Me: Does your modem actually dial the phone number to our service?

Her: No..

Me: Well that means you're not connected..

I ran her through connecting any everything.. but still. It's just really getting sad when anyone can get a computer and we have to suffer for it.. To the rest of you techs.. I understand.. And I'm sorry to say, but it can only get worse.. :)

This really isn't a tech thing, but it's still funny, and it just demonstrates how stupid some people are. I was working for Babbage's about 3 or 4 years ago.. And I live in Virginia. Well anyways.. It was Christmas time and if you don't know what Babbage's is, then it's a software/video game/play station/ and whatever software store basically. Well anyways, this lady brought back this game that she had bought. And she wanted a refund. No problem.. My assistant manager looked at her and asked if she had the original box that it had came in. She told us that she did not and proceeded to hand us the cd that was on the tip of her finger and demanding money.. We tried to explain to her that she had to have it in original condition, but she just wouldn't listen, she said "It's not on your return policy.. " So after about 10 minutes of fighting with her and trying to tell her she was a dumbass.. :) My assistant manager took back the cd and told me to give her money back.. Anyways, she looked at me and started talking bad about him and how he was being a jerk for not giving her money back and I just looked at her and said "Listen lady, he shouldn't have given your money back to you.. I wouldn't have.. You should be very greatful and thankful that he even considered it".. She turned her nose up and stormed out of the store. After about 20 minutes, we got a call and my assistant manager answered the phone and it was HER husband, and he bitched him out for giving his dumb*ss wife grief. Ohh well to make a long story short, I told them what I said and they laughed their asses off, and we got a big laugh because that had to be one of the stupidest people on the face of this earth. And I still beleive that she wins the stupid award of the century, because I haven't run into anyone since then that was any more ignorant.

A guy I work with got this call yesterday:

Tech:Thank you for calling Wisconsin Internet, how may I help you?

Customer:Yes, I'm having trouble connecting to the internet. It won't let me on.

Tech:Okay, so what do you do, step by step, to connect to the Internet?

Customer:Well, my husband wrote this program called Microsoft Internet Explorer, and...

I love the stories you all share. I do tech support for a medium sized ISP. The other day I had a customer on the phone that was trying to hard to tell me what was on her screen. I needed her to tell me what folder a certain file was in. The file was in c:\windows\system. She was concentrating so hard, this is what she told me:

sea colon backslash backslash forward slash backslash forward slash.....

And then she realized it was actually a "W" she was looking at. Luckily she started laughing so I could hit the mute button and laugh like crazy. All my co-workers wondered what was so funny, so I told them. That has kept us smiling for a couple of days now.

Several years ago, when 32-bit Windows was new, I worked for a company that sold a Win32S-based package. The package prominently declared that you required Windows 3.1 or later and at least 4 MB of RAM.

I received a call from Tech support; they had a customer running Windows NT 3.1 (the then-current version), and when he tried to run our application, he'd get an "insufficient memory" error. I asked how much RAM he had, and was told "8 MB." I told the TS guy that NT 3.1 required at least 16 MB of RAM. He called the customer back, then called me back. "He says he knows NT 3.1 requirs 16 MB, but figured he'd try it, and, since it installed, he figured that was an error on the NT package. He also says that our box says it needs 4 MB to run ,and he's got more than that."

I told the tech to tell this guy it required 4 MB on Windows 3.1; NT takes more RAM just to be able to do anything.

Our next box indicated that for NT 3.1 and later a minimum of 16 MB RAM was required and 24 was recommended.

I got a call once from a high-ranking manager in our building. I logged a trouble call and walked down to her desk.

When I got there, the first thing I did was took the coffee cup off the CD-ROM drive and closed it. I then took the floppies off the side of her file cabinet where they had been stuck with magnets. I pulled the case off the machine and dumped out the diskettes that had piled up inside, and for good measure I pulled the CD-ROM out of the 5.25" floppy drive. After doing all of this, the computer still wouldn't work, so I picked up the keyboard and dumped out the coffee that was spilled in it. The manager walked up while I was doing this and told me "The first level tech said I'd need a copy of my startup disk, so here it is." She handed me a photocopy of a diskette.

I picked her mouse up off the floor and put it on her desk where it belonged. The machine started up just fine, but when I checked the disk it only had 5 megabytes left on a 4.3 gigabyte hard drive. Looking around, I found that the C:\WINDOWS\TEMP directory was filled with porn. I asked her what she was doing when it stopped working, so she showed me: she sat down at her desk, leaned over to pick up the phone, and her breasts bumped the keyboard. I told her she was too stupid to own a computer.

This is short but to the point. I do Tech support for a Government Agency. Some of our calls are people in need of software support/ the other half is are the people that don't know their head from a whole in the ground.

I get one of many calls today network card is working. So I grab my bag of tools and a replacement card (just in case) when I get there I look at the pc and the women says she didn't do anything and proceeded to tell me that the "night people get on her pc and play around on it" and as I drowned her out at the end I look at the wall and check the cable it was out just enough but still in the jack to loose connection.

I promise to have more funnier stories coming soon.

Great Site, please keep it up.:-)

I do software support. Yesterday I was on the phone with a female caller, and we were comparing what happened in two different job files. One of the job files was called HAND. I actually said:

"Okay, what happens when you try to do the hand job?"

A girl in our office who was doing web development was using

Dreamweaver to make her web pages. She had a huge table

with many links in it. She was annoyed that the links were

underlined. She wanted to know how to search and replace underlines.

Her picture was on the proverbial dartboard that night...

I work for a large ISP and one quiet summer evening I received an incoming call.

The guy who calls me said he was having troubles with his internet connection; it alwys said that the 'computer you are dailing does not respond'. I check on the POP servers if this guy makes a connection and see that he last logged on about an hour ago. I tell him this and he said that was true but that was with his analog modem. He is now trying to connect via his ISDN connection. I check if his ISDN option is activated which is the case. He told me he connected yesterday with his ISDN connection and that everything went fine. He even checked it before he brought it to the computer store.

Then I start troubleshooting with him... he seems knowledgeable and we check everything. After 45 minutes he still couldn't connect and I'm just about to tell him that he should maybe contact his hardware dealer when I smell a dead fish. I ask him why he brought the PC to hi shardware dealer.

He told me it was to install a network card. I ask him to check the cabling. Sure enough, he had plugged his ISDN connector to the network card. I could hear him blush trough the phone

To make a long story short:

One old lady was confused about using her mouse. "I put it on the screen (monitor) and nothing happens, what I'am I doing wrong?"

Me: "Do you have a mouse pad?"

Old lady: "What's a mouse pad"

Me: "Piece of thin foam that's placed on a flat surface to help you move your pointer."

Old lady: "Does it matter if it's Windows95 or Macitosh compatable?"

Then I had another old lady who thought the mouse was used by her foot. She thought you operate a computer like a sewing machine.

I'm working for a museum in Sweden and is right now writing touristinformation texts over interesting historical sites in our region. Such as over medival churches, runestones et.c.

Our media department designed the homepages where the texts I write will be placed. The main problem is that there is an other profecional homepagecompany that will publish the pages.

When (finaly) the pagaes where published, toughter with a lot of other touristinfo the link to our startpage/part didn't work.

So, I mailed the one responcible for the site and pointed out the problem with the broken link. After a few days a mail arrived explaining to me that the reason I couldn't access the page was that the museum where I work usees Mac!!. If we had used PC-machins it would have worked just fine.

I became to say the least a little bit baffled. But, well it's pretty easy to check. I loged on from my homePC to check. Noting worked. Then the lightning struck me. I copied the link and pasted it in the locationbar just to find out that this homepage company had swaped all slashes to backslashes.

Nedless to say I mailed them again pointing out my little discovery. Just got a mail back with a: Thats not our fault! We would never make misstaks like that!

What can I say.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I recently "acquired" a new boss. Right after he started he made a point to tell the support staff (that includes me) how computer literate he is & how we should never hesitate to ask him for help. OK.

Obviously his area of expertise does not extend to desktop publishing. Or to word processing for that matter.

I had worked up a document for our branch office. The document was done in Pagemaker. I tried to create a pdf file via Adobe Acrobat so I could email it to the fine folks at the branch office (they needed it in their hands fairly quickly). Experienced some problems & had to place a call to our computer "wizard" who was out of the office at the time.

Apparently after much "deep thinking" on his part, the new boss looked at me & asked in all seriousness, "Can't you just save the Pagemaker document into Word & send it to them like that?"

Sigh. I decided there was no real point in discussing the finer points of why this wouldn't/couldn't happen. Just told him no.

The funny part is that by the time he came up with this "solution," the computer wizard was back in the building & had solved my problem with Adobe Acrobat. The pdf document was already on its way.

God preserve from "computer literate" bosses.

Hi TechTales! Sorry for the "vacation" I haven't had any "bright" callers since the last one asking what to do when the IE told him to choose files and click on the work offline to remove the offline mode, but this one reminds me that you never can forget the ingenuity of the customers is euqal to their ignorance.

When I was taking first-level calls one day, my last customer call of the day was an inDUHvidual that felt.....

He: So your email [domain] name is hurlnet.8tt.bet, and I thought it was too long, so I changed it to USA.net, and now I can't receive email, but I can send mail, why is that?

Well, he just went into his email program and changed the email address and incoming mail server to what he liked. Mr. I. M. Notacorp

Of course he didn't understand that a CONSUMER couldn't just CHANGE the end of their email and was confused why he needed to make this "web page" thing with a BUSINESS account.

Now even after I offered to help shorten our domain for his personal account and fix the email address and incoming and outgoing servers (which he partialy understood yet he changed the incoming one to his domain he liked) to @8tt.bet, he didn't understand why I couldn't support his third-party contact management software program which we didn't know instead of our co-branded fully supported program.

I hope our Web Site Services for BU&U likes him.

Guess you'll never guess which ISP hurlnet.8tt.bet and BU&U stand for?

Well, for any clueless, until about the early 80's, it's name used to ring a Bell.

[At least he didn't ask the speed of email for it take for the e-mail to get to Japan instead of to the Phillipines, one of my personal it-happened-to-me-favorites]

Josh (who gets so many customers who ask for tech support when they aren't even in front of the computer or it's not turned on, that I don't even submit them)

I worked at a summer job (High School Senior, yes we are that young, plus we are cheap) for a nameless county government as a Hardware Tech. LTE (Limited Term Employee, or if you prefere, Peon, Cheap Help, Grunt or my favorite "Intern"). We where in the Hardware Tech's office (storage for unused/unusable/spare/upgrade parts computers exc.) and we where going over some of our Information Technition's overstuffed voicemail inbox (he's been here for 7 years, older than the building we where in, if people don't know his extention they are either too new or like me, an intern [I'd call him from his phone to leave him voicemails]) and there was a report (in person) from an Automation Information Advisor (small county, she was one of two employees in the AIM department) that a Typist in a 'public' department had spilled water on her keyboard, easy enough for the intern (swap keyboards and wait for wet keyboard to dry) then the person was described, a year older than me (assumed) and wearing a hot item (cloths wise), mind you that the three of us, our Information Tech. Hardware Tech. and myself, the Hardware Tech. LTE, practically fought for this one, jokingly, then the Hardware Tech. went and swapped the keyboard without incident.

P.S. To the guys at the old office, please contact me at home if you spoted this, give me a call.

please note I am only willing to give out some details, our office is fairly large for this size county, but we all agree to nondisclosure to public about numbers and names, and I don't want my former boss and his employees to get in trouble]

I work for a U.S. based ISP, in both Customer Service and Tech Support. I must say that the best call I ever heard about was taken by a fellow CS agent, but I thought it deserved to be here.

The member called in because "something is wrong with the software". It just wouldn't install on the computer. He had the CD-ROM version, which is sent by default upon upgrade of service.

After asking several questions, the agent discovered that the member had cut the CD-ROM into a square to fit inside his floppy drive. And then wondered why it wouldn't work.

I was just looking at the June tale about the guy who put "Wally" for the server name....it reminded me of the area I used to work in. The shared laser printer's network ID was "Bob." It was always good for a laugh when a new department member asked for the printer ID.....

As a technician for a computer company to be known as A$+ computers, I had to deal with the type of person who bought their computer at Wal-Mart. One particularly bright individual contacted me on a bright spring day:

ME: A$+ Technical Support, how can I help you?

HIM: Yeah, my computer won't turn on!

ME: Is the system plugged in?

HIM: Yup, got it plugged into one of them there power

strips.

ME: Is the power strip switch on?

HIM: Yup, shore is!

ME: Is the power strip plugged in?

HIM: Why in th' hell wud I do that? We ain't got no

'lectricity in m' trailer!

ME: Um, sir, a power strip doesn't _supply_ power. It only

allows a several devices to be plugged in to one

power outlet, and maybe act as a surge protector.

This was bad enough, but then he really floored me:

HIM: Oh. Heck, no wonder my TV and toastr don't work

neither.

This isn't really a tech-tale, but a funny thing that happened to me when I was teaching a course in BASIC.

I had a class of 15 students and all never programmed prior. So I had them sit in front of a PC and follow

my directions. I wrote a simple BASIC program on the black board, and told them to type what I had written on the

their machines. They all did this very diligently.

Then I said, "When you get to the 'Ok' prompt, type RUN followed by the Enter key.

They all started typing away, but then stopped!

I asked what the problem was and they said they were getting some error message, or nothing was happening at all.

So I went around checking their screens, and Lo and Behold, all of them had entered this verbatim at the BASIC

'Ok' prompt: RUN FOLLOWED BY THE ENTER KEY

Talk about taking something quite literally.

While working for a certain large modem manufacturer, I had plenty of bizarre calls. This was one of the best.

Customer bought modem, can't install it. He said it would not fit into the slot. I thought perhaps he was trying to install a PCI card into an ISA slot. Further investigation pried the admission out of him that "the card is about an inch wide, and the slot is only a half inch". What?!? ..."sir, how many screws did you remove from the computer before trying to install the modem?"..."one"..."from where?"..."from the slot". In other words, he'd removed the guard plate for unoccupied hardware positions from the back of the machine, not the tower cover, and was trying to stuff the modem in through the now open slot as if he were mailing it.

This is a rough transcript of a conversation I had with tech support from an ISP who I won't name regarding the availability of a static IP...

me: "why is there a cost invloved?"

tech: "that's what we do"

me: "it doesn't cost you anything to give me an ip address.."

tech: "well...."

me: "tel$tra don't charge you anything for ip addresses"

tech: "...."

me: "i can get a class c off Tel$tra for nothing" (Telstra are the main telecommunications company in Australia)

tech: (not understanding he class c): "what?"

me: "you only need to add one line into your zone file pointing my login details at an ip address..."

tech: "i can't set that up..."

me: "well, what _does_ it cost you?"

tech: "i don't know"

me: "i need this static ip to run a web and mail server from. how is my mx record going to function without a static ip address?"

tech: "........"

me: "look, i'll even come in and set it up for you if you like..."

tech: "no, we have guys here that do that, anyway we're out of ip addresses... can we setup ie now?"

I had a guy call in, he was agitated and talking much faster

than I could comprehend. Once he had ventilated his anguish,

I said "Pardon me?" He responded with "What's the matter

with you, are you deaf?" Dumbfounded, I replied "What?" It

was at that precise moment I realized I couldn't have said

it better if I tried. The rest of the call went fine (His

modem was pointing at LPT1) --Dave

Here's a bonus quote that I wrote myself...I'm not sure if

it makes sense, but...

"What I lack in technical prowess, I make up for in

contrition"

I work for an ISP and take on average about 50 calls a day from a wide range of people. This morning I took a sales call(rare for me) and received the following conversation:

Me: "Good Morning, This is (isnert tech name here), how may I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I am new to the internet and would like some information about your service?"

Me: "Sure...procceded to tell her about the pricing and the software we had to offer."

Customer: "Thank you. Now I am a highly intelligent person, I mean I am a mensa, I just dont know nothing about computers, so I am weary about getting a service that I have to give out my credit card information."

Me: Ended call on a pleasant note with the spill about our check payment plan.

What I couldnt believe however was that:

1) she felt the need to announce that she was a MENSA

2) this MENSA had massacred the English language!

I work as technical support for an on-line brokerage firm, E*Trade. We do basic trading on the stock market. One day I got a call from a woman who was rapidly getting impatient with me when I couldn't find her account. And the conversation goes like this:

Me: Thank you for choosing E*Trade Technical Support, this is xxxx, how may I help you?

Woman: Hello, this is xxxx. I mailed a check into your company for $45,000.00, and have received no documentation whatsoever! No account, and the check has cleared my bank.

(She's frantic, and understandably so.)

Me: Okay, can I please have your SSN# and full name?

She gives them to me.... can't find an account for her.

Me: How about your street address? (She gives it to me, nothing.)

Woman: I can't believe this, I'm going to sue your company!

Me: Wait just a second, let me do some more research.

I put her on hold and call down to the new accounts department. Nothing on her. So I come back to the woman and let her know that I will do everything I can and call her back.

Woman: Forget it! When you find my money, just send it back! I'm going to tell all my friends NEVER to send money to IBM!

-Click-

Wait a second... IBM?

Maybe this story happends more then I think, but it really

is just up to the customer how he defines his story.

So the customer calls the helpdesk and said in panic:

'Please help, my word isn't working and I have to type

this text before lunch'. So, I was thinking in the worst

case her word crashed and I could install it by network

again. With good faith I was walking all the way over

there and when I got there her computer was standing in

a dos box saying 'Non System-Disk or disk error'. So I

said 'why didn't you tell me your whole computer isn't

working?' and she said 'Well, I only have to use Word...'

(Sigh)

I work for an ISP and one summer evening I received a call.

The customer reformatted his hard disk and now of course he couldn't get on to the internet. Would we like to help him out with it? Why of course. So I guide him through all the dialup networking of Win 95. Although the customer responds very slowly this is a routine job. Finally we get to the point where he has to insert his username which consists out of alphabetic characters and ciphers. I caution him to type in the alphabetic characters in lower case. To which he responds positively. Then he asks me:

"Do I have to type the numbers also in lower case?"

Whoosh, there goes 2000 year of math

User......I'm buying a network card for my home PC.

Support...Really, why's that then?

User......So I can connect to the network.....

Support...But you don't have a network at home do you?

User......No...

Support...Tell you what - try sharing another users drive

at work - that'll be fun won't it?

User......yeah - I guess it will...