Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

Submitted Tales From Technical Support

Tales From Technical Support Content

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Galon
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I work for a company that provides support for the banking industry, and we have service contracts all over the state. So when we get a call that someone is not up and running, we of course try to diagnose it over the phone. The site in question calls up and tells us they have a pc that is not working and that we need to get down there "NOW" not later. We rather than anger a good customer, I drop everything and drive an hour and a half to get there. I get there and check the pc out, everything lights up, but no video, so I pull the monitor and plug into a pc that is up and running and low and behold, no video. This was an AOC 7Vlr which uses a single control knob on the front to control everything(it is even a push button), I bring up the controls and discover the contrast is on 0(this means no video), so I crank it back up and put it back on the desk and write up the work order. The Bank Manager comes over and asks me how is it going, and I explain to her that it is fixed, and she asks how did this happen? So I stick my finger in the control and crank the contrast back down to 0 and explain that it was on 0. She asks me Does this happen often to this monitor? I tell her no, it takes someone sticking their finger in the control and changing it. And then I listen to her trying to tell me that she is not responsible for what goes on with the computers. All I could tell her is that I was not responsible for acts of god, stupid people, and ID10T errors. Later I get a call from the bankchain's Main VP, thanking me for my prompt service and taking care of their idiot users(his words)

Power strips are He!!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Wardog
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Some people shouldn't be allowed to have a pencil,

let alone a computer.

Me:XXXX Corporate Help Desk. This is me.

Luser: Yeah, this is M***. My computer won't come on.

Me: (after going thru a lengthy Q&A session with her on possible solutions

including asking if she powered it on.) OK, I will turn it over to our

PC Support Staff.(we hang up)

Luser: (30 minutes later)Can you cancel that call, please?

I didn't have my power strip turned on.

Ya gotta love it.

Wardog

Diary
Posted 07/01/2001 by Very tired tech
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All support companies have those nightmare customer and we have a few:(

One of them had his computer for 2 years and that is not strange but the %ยค&%#%&& has a little diry so everytime he has a problem he starts by reading his computer diry :(

You cant stop him because he will repost you or just scream and so on..

A normal call with him ;)

Me: welcome to this and that support my name is "Very tired tech"

C: Hi I got my computer 2 years ago and I took it home and started to set it up. The cables was no problems bla bla bla for about 20-30 minutes before getting to the d**m point :(

No Support!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Very tired tech
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We have one guy who been calling in for about a year. He has over a 100 cases here and always calls atleast 3 time to ask same thing. He is a real pain in the a*s. For some reason noone took the serial number on his computer.. We all just wanted him to hang up ;) He want to change windows programs. Example: In calculator the program has some button he dont want . can we remove them? And so on...

Well on tech here finally asked for the serial number and the answer he got was:

I sold the computer 8 month ago.. The support goes with the computer??? I thought the support was mine!

The idiot thought the support was his not that is belonged to whoever owned the computer.

Do I have to say we all are happy to not having to answer his questions :)

Spell Check - Whazzat???
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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The spelling on a lot of e-mails tells me that there are a few people who can do anything with a computer - except, maybe, run "Spell Check"....

"Callous" describes a thoughtless person - "callus" is the thick, dry skin on your foot.

A "biro" is a "pen" in the U.K. - for those Americans who don't read British mysteries......

"Paid" is what your bills are after the check clears the bank - "payed"??

"Stollen" is a German pastry - I was not sure what "stollent" might mean - but he mentioned calling the police.....

I could go on.....but this would be long & boring....

So - we'll find it easier to laugh at your joke if your spelling isn't so "funny" that we can't decipher the punch line!

Rancid stack of rhino dung
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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===============

Case Summary:

===============

Lotus Notes is a rancid stack of rhino dung.

We just found this case that had been submitted via webpage on our intranet:

===============

Description:

===============

Would someone please call I.B.M and 'tactfully' inform them that their 'LOTUS NOTES' application platform is a rancid stack of rhino dung.

Response from the Xxxxxxx location is not only non-productive, but greatly exceeds the "web eight second threshold of user tolerance". Luckily, Lotus Notes is NOT a choice for me, it is a standard business application for [outsource company].

However, due to it's grandios disappontment in performance I may soon force me to use my Yahoo mail, onsite at [main company], for business purposes.

I appreciate all your efforts.

===============

Work Log:

===============

called cust to give him the [outsource company] Lotus notes support phone number. Cust already had the phone number and requested that the case be closed. Closing case as per cust's request.

Nothing's changed
Posted 07/01/2001 by Catherine
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My favorite tech support call of all time:

Customer: This program crashes every time I try to start it. It was working on Friday, and now it won't work.

Me: Has anything changed since Friday?

C: No.

Me: Nothing at all?

C: No.

Me: OK, let's check ... (we then spent about 15 minutes trying to troubleshoot the application, the files, the hardware).

C: I don't understand it. Some of my other applications don't work either.

Me: Oh! So this is not specific to (the application I was supporting)?

C: No.

Me: And you're sure nothing changed?

C: No. Nothing changed. I mean, lightning struck the building on Saturday, but that shouldn't matter....

Me: Do you have business insurance?

Desktop Found
Posted 07/01/2001 by Kevin
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Tech services.

I am trying to find a file but I don't know how.

OK, go to your desktop and double click on My Computer.

hear tapping noise

OK now what?

Can you see your r drive?

No.

Can you see your desktop?

Yes.

Tell me what you can see on the desktop

My coffee mug, phone, pens.

Sorry, I'll try again. What do you see on your computer screen. That's OK I'll just log into your screen so that I can see what you are doing.

Without going into great detail I had to explain that I couldn't actually see her as such.

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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Shouldn't people be required to pass a test or something before they own a computer?

A lady at work says she's having problems with her computer and would I look at it. Sure, no problem.

I boot the thing and I find what had to be (no kidding) at least 100 icons on the desktop - four or five for the same application. Even though this didn't have anything to do with her problem, curiosity got the best of me and I had to ask the painfully obvious . . . why in the world . . . .

She screams, "Don't touch those picture-thingies! It took me an hour and a half to get them all lined up!"

I think it was truly five minutes before I quit laughing uncontrollably.

Job preperation
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I am part of tech support for a small university and one day I was talking with the boss who was describing his days in college before undertaking a career in IT. To better put you in the picture he was born 100% blind.

Boss to tech support - My monitor is not showing anything

techo - OK is it plugged in and turned on.

Boss - Yes, I checked all that. I just turned it on and couldn't see anything (I think you might see where this is heading)

Techo - OK, we'll just go through it again, just to be sure.

Everything OK.

Techo - OK, I'll come down and have a look for you.

The techo comes into the room and examines the monitor turning it off and on and can't find anything wrong until she turns around to talk to him and immediatly recognises the problem. Of coarse he cant see the monitor.

She gives him a mouth full and leaves.

He still pulls jokes like this much to our humour

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by John G
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On this one call I was trying to determine if his OS was DOS or Windows. I asked him if he had windows, he said "Hold on" I heard clunk, clunk as he dropped the phone on the table. After about a minute he comes back to me and says "No man! Theres no windows in here... Im in a basement and only have a door!"

Save me....
Posted 07/01/2001 by Chazz
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Dear lord. The first of the following stories isn't "tech support" so much as an example of just how bad the day was.

I recently went to visit a friend who works in a software shop that mostly sells video/computer games, as well as periferals thereto. So we get to talking, as we are wont to do, when a little old lady and her SCREAMING eight year old walk in. She promplty bumps me out of the way and SLAMS a box down on the counter, exclaiming that there were awful things in the game and it shouldn't be able to be sold to little kids. A quick glance at the box reveals a huge black-and-white "M" rating, and two distinct "For mature audiences only!" warnings on the front alone. My friend calmly explains that there's no possible way that the child purchased this game by himself, and (albeit MUCH more politely) listed the many ways that she would have to be a complete imbecile not to have known the content of the game. Also, the store did not give cash refunds, only exchanges or credit towards a future purchase. They left with a copy of Pokemon Stadium, if I remember correctly.

Shaking my head the whole time she storms out of the store, just about smashing the door into the face of someone else coming in. He is returning a copy of a very popular first-person shooter, saying it didn't work and tech support couldn't help. Knowing a few things about computers, I started asking what I thought would be the usual questions:

Me: Were you experiencing any other problems before installing this?

Guy: No.

Me: Did it instal properly?

Guy: No.

Me: Did you get any error messages from the instal software?

Guy: I couldn't get it to run.

Me: Okay... when you put the CD in the drive did the computer realize it was there?

Guy: Yes.

Me: GOOD! What happened when you went into the CD?

Guy: I got all these weird files, and none of them worked.

At this point I frowned and asked to look over the box to see the requirements. I asked him what type of specs his PC had.

Guy: What do you mean?

Me: Well, what's your hard drive, how much RAM, what version of Windows you have---

Guy: I have a Mac.

..... I then pointed to the large "PC" and "Windows" logos on the package, and that "Windows 95/98/ME" were among the requirements. He was absolutely stunned, and traded in the game for the Mac version.

And my mother wondered why I enrolled for the Software Engineering course instead of Help Desk....

The squirrel
Posted 07/01/2001 by Stacy
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Customer calls in and is having problems getting online. We start going into the settings and he tells me there is a damn squirrel on my mailbox. He said hold on while I try to get him. I held on and 2 seconds later heard a gun shot, well not 2 seconds later heard another one. I happen to be in training so I had someone listening in on the call. Caller got back on the phone and I asked him if he got he said no. He stated that he hated those damn squirrels. I never laughed so hard. Neither did the person that was listening in.

You will have good discount!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Raichu12
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) From: (spammer@example.com)

) To:

) Subject: to Web Designer

) Date: Thu, 5 Jul 2001 20:39:50 +0200

)

) Hello,

) My name is Jeff, and as i know you are Web Designer,

) I'm work in one Hosting Company, maybe you needed this ?

) If you will have buy for your customers my hosting, you will have

) good discount!!

)

) contact to me in my email,

)

) Thanks,

) (name deleted)

I will have good discount? You will set me up the Web hosting! All my site are belong to you!

When the light goes on!!!!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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O.K. this happened a number of years ago, will see if my memory still works. After agreeing to go out for an afterhour call to work on piece of computerized Graphic Art's equipment. It took a few hour's but we finally got the equipment to work right for him. But next morning when I arrive at work I get this call from this same guy. He's calling me every name under the sun and then some. I'm being told how I'm ripping him off for all this money he spent on last nights service call and now the #### machine dosen't work. After spending about 5 minutes trying to and eventually calming him down I suggest I'll try to help him on the phone. I ask him to tell me if there's any lights or error codes on the machine now. So he goes off and comes back and tell's me I don't think so the display look's blank you see were having a power outage right now!!!

???? As the light bulb in his brain starts to flicker! Could this be the problem??? You tell me I ask. Sorry he say's as he hangs up the phone.

Umm, mom, look down...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Fred
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I work tech support for a major national ISP (I won't say

who cause I want to keep my job!), but this isn't about

anything that happened on the job...

(p)

Like so many people, my mother is, well, not all that good

with computers ("Do I click this little picture thingy

once or twice to start it?").

(p)

Recently, for reasons known only to her, she had some

cosmetic surgery done, and came out of it with a somewhat

larger cup size... ;) (this is important to the story -

you'll see)

(p)

One night she called me asking why random letters and

numbers kept appearing on her screen when she was running

Word. Well, neither of us had any idea why, and we were

baffled.

(p)

This kept happening over the period of a couple of weeks,

and it was frustrating to deal with, as she lived on the

other side of the state, and I didn't have a car, so I

couldn't just pop over to take a look.

(p)

Finally, something came up where I had to go over to that

side of the state, so on the way, I stopped at her house

to take a look and say hi. I asked her to show me what

was going on.

(p)

LOL... Because she had accidentally set her fonts to

small, and her eyes weren't as young as they once were, she

was leaning forward with her reading glasses on to read

the screen. And guess what *new* part of her anatomy was

pressing on the keyboard!

(p)

Poor me had to break the news to her as gently as I could.

She was an awfully good sport about it, and we were soon

cracking up over it.

(p)

Solution, I set her fonts a little bigger, and she was

happy. :)

It never stops....
Posted 07/01/2001 by Chazz
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Regrettably, our family business TVL (my father designed hard/software that, plugged into PC's, creates/controls major corporate presentations, my mother was the "office manager") had to close down. Our "engineer" now handles the repairs (but refuses to honor warrantees) and a few customers offered to contribute their units to rentals. Well, we got a call at home from a customer that was also a friend the other day....

Okay, back-story time. Some time ago, we had two clients in Mexico that did business with each other from time to time, both named "Grupo" something-or-other. They had the Director, the first product TVL offered, made on 486's. They sent it in, no notes, only a garbled phone-call saying the software no longer works. Well, after reconnecting all the internal cords because they just put the computer in a box and shipped it internationally without padding, we fire the thing up.... to find they have installed Windows 98.

WINDOWS NINETY-EIGHT. On a 486, 66mhz machine with 32 megs of RAM. And are wondering why the software made for WINDOWS 3.1 isn't working. We call in a former employee that now has his own business, and collects odd things. Like the 16 floppy disks needed to install Windows 3.1 in Spanish. We call up the Mexican company, and I get the wonderful task of talking to the one guy who speaks English and try to tell them that we have to completely wipe out the drive. He starts shooting off in (at least) three different languages about how the hard drive is fine, but he had to give the board to someone that "knew a lot about computers".... que? We hadn't even checked the boards yet, the custom-made boards, nearly a decade old. We unplug it, flip it over, and now there's a whole bunch of wires soldered on very sloppily. Congratulations Juan, you just bought yourself a whole new $15,000 board. Well, eventually, we ended up finding a functioning board down in the basement, we got through the installation of Spanish DOS and Win3.1, replace the serial/printer plugs which had been DUCT TAPED into place with ones in a proper cover, spend two hours trying to navigate sites to find drivers for their archaic system, and (putting it back in a box with proper packaging) return it.

A month later, we get a horrific phone call. We now get THREE systems in.... the one we fixed, another belonging to the same company, and yet another belonging to their "sister" company. All three machines have virtually identical specs. All three have Windows 98 on them. All three (including the one we fixed) have some sort of significant damage, either superficial or in the parts. It takes a week and a half to fix all these machines, all of them requiring complete reformatting (and, in one case, replacing) of hard drives. El Mexicanos aparently don't believe in back-ups, at least I THINK that's what he was yelling about.... After this point, anyone calling up and screaming in some broken Spanglish hybrid was directed straight to Abe.

Well.... two weeks ago, we get a call from one of our "buddies." One of the Mexican companies is searching desperately for new systems. On a whim, I call up the guy doing repairs. Nobody's really sure how, but they were somehow able to CRACK THE BOARD IN HALF in one machine, and jostle the other one just loose enough so that the machine wouldn't boot properly, and just left it running.... until they smelt smoke. Smoke coming from the: motherboard, on-board-video-card, riser-card (so that the boards could be inserted horizontally as opposed to vertically, since the early desktops weren't tall enough) and several other plug-in connections on the board.

Anyone else want to make donations for my "Nuke Mexico" fund?

Password trouble
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous
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Working at the local credit union, we have numerous programs and systems that require passwords. Everything from network passwords and email to software specific passwords; you name it, we use it.

This morning I got this call through the Help Desk line:

ME: "Computer room, (Me) speaking..."

END-USER: (whining) "Whenever I try to type in my password, it won't wooork..."

ME: "Okay...which password are you referring to?"

END-USER: "Flower..."

ME: (sound of me smacking my hand to my forehead...)

This had the other techs in my department rolling...

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Albert Rojas
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My last year of High School, our school district we should have a "Computer Technician Training" class (to make our school look more technically inclined). Well as the new school year quickly approached they needed to hire "ANY" teacher. And of course who is the first choose: The football coach from the middle school. He was nice enough but he gave us quite a few Tech Tales.

Two thing important for these stories. One most of the stundent that were enrolled are more than computer literate. And second one of the intresting things about this class was we repaired any computer than the district owned. That included a "few" 286s (This was in the 99-00 year).

anyways here goes.

1.Networking

We had just recieved a pretty big shipment of old PC to fix. Our teacher's big concerns was that all the PCs should connect to the school's network. That was ok but he only had one disk with the drivers for the NICs. We were about to make a few more copies to speed up the process when he comes in and tells us to stop what we are doing. We announces we don't need to make any more disks he already put the drivers on the network.

2. His PC

Now him been the "Comp Tech" teacher the school saw fit to give him an 800Mhz PC loaded. The type of system gamers dream off. Well he calls me and one other tech in to "talk about the program". Thats his little code for he messed up his PC again. We get in to his system (he reset his password and forgot about it), and erase the virus that he got on the PC. And then we start looking thru his setting. He has his 21" monitor set on a 640x480 resolution with 256 colors. Instead of the 16 bit resolution because "256 is bigger than 16" so it gives more colors.

3. Boot Disks

We are asked to go offsite and fix a few PC at another school. We need a boot disk to fix their problem. He says we can't take the book disk because that "each school has to pay the lisence fee to use boot disks"

Well that all for now

more to come

Missing email
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I am the CEO of a computer Sales & Service business in Texas. You can bet I get my share of "questionable" calls and Emails. So it comes to pass. I received this Email from a customer whom was having a problem with thier email. Keyword is RECEIVED the email.

This is from the person with the "Virus" I can receive text and mail just fine on explorer but I cannot send or reply. I'll bring it back in one day next week when I have move(more) time. If I changed services I guess it would be solved or do they all use explorer?

Jerec

Can I get a cable thingy?
Posted 07/01/2001 by John Weintraub
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I work at Off--- De---t, a big box retailer, and I get the, whall we say, "lower end" of the technically proficieient. Hence this tale:

Cust: Hi. We need a cable for our internet thingy.

Me: (stifling groan) You need a telephone cable?

Cust: No, no, we just plug it into the computer, adn away we go.

Other Bus. Mach. Assoc.:So you have high speed internet?

Cust: No, we just plug it in and turn on the computer and we get internet.

Me: So which cable are you looking for? You need the cable from the wall plate to the modem or the other cable from the modem to the PC?

Cust: No, this cable just goes straight from the wall plate to the back of our computer.

Other BMA: So you need a telephone cable.

Cust: No, it's not like that. We just have a cable with many more connections.

Me: (Walking custs to telephone area [there were actually two of them but only she did the talkiing, since he sounded like a weasel with sinusitus]): Do you mean this? (holding up a two-pair phone cord)

Male Cust: It's quite different. It looks kindof like that, only bigger.

Me: (the light dawns): OH! Do you mean... (walking gthem over to the Networking section) ... one of THESE? (holding up a UTP Cat 5 Cable).

Female Cust: No. I don't think so.

Male Cust: Actually dear, it's the right item, you just thought it was wrong 'cause it's the wrong colour.

Male Cust: Oh, Yeah.

Me: So, you don't have a modem?

Male Cust: No, we just plug it right into the wall. It's integrated into the condominium cabling.

Me: TYou mean you have fibre optic in your building?

Female Cust: Yeah! That's right! I just turn on the computer. We just had plugged it in and got our internet.

Me: So you just needed an ethernet cable, is that all?

Female Cust: I don't know anything about that techie stuff (Gee could you tell?). All I know is that I turn on the computer and I get my internet.

Sheesh!

They ought to have to write a basic computer literacy test before they buy a computer!

The inkjet guru
Posted 07/01/2001 by John Weintraub
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I work in a big box retailer (Off--- De---t)and we get the "lower end" of the spectrum here for computer literacy. This one happens to me almost every shift:

Cust Service assoc.: Can you help this gentleman with a printer cartridge?

Me: Yes, of course. How can I help you?

Old fogey customer: Yes, I need a new printer cartridge please.

Me: Do you know the model of the printer?

OFC: I know it's a HP.

Me: Yes, sir. But do you know the model number?

OFC: Well, I was hoping you could help me with that. Do you have any I could see?

Me: (Walking the old gentleman to the printer aisle): Do you see your printer here?

OFC: Well, it's a big square one.

Me: Do you see it here, sir?

OFC: No, I don't. But can you tell me how much a colour cartridge would cost?

Me: Well I can't really do that, unless I know the model number sir.

OFC: But you don't know the model number?

Me: Well, sir, that would normally be something that YOU would know.

OFC: Well, I know it's a few years old.

Me: But that doesn't really tell me anything, sir.

OFC: What do you mean by the model number?

(I walk him over and show him a model number on the outside of a printer)

OFC: Oh. But I don't happen to know that.

Me: Well, I'm sorry, sir, but I can't really help you then.

OFC: I guess I will go home and get that information. I was just hoping to stop by and pick one up.

ME; I understand, sir, but there's really nothing I can do to help you.

OFC: Well, thank you anyway, young man.

Me: You're very welcome, sir.

Note to cartridge buyers: (1) Make sure you know if it's a LASER or an INKJET! (2) Who made it? (3) What's the model number OF THE PRINTER! Cartridge model numbers don't help us!

Are you a computer expert?
Posted 07/01/2001 by John Weintraub
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I work at Off--- De---t, a big box retailer, in Business machines, and we get some nasty critters along with the usual collection of idiots and novices. Thus:

In the middle of Back to School Week (ehll week for us) when I had LITERALLY twenty!!!!! customers awaiting my attentions, I get this from a VERY IRATE customer:

CUst: Look here! I've been waiting for twenty minutes for some help. Are you a computer expert?

Me: Yes sir, But I have twenty other customers ahead of you.

Cust: Look! I'm a very important person in my company! I DEMAND service Right now! Are you the best computer expert here? I've asked onthers but they said the ewren't. Are YOU?

Me: Well, sir, I am finishing my MCSE, how can I be of service (feeling very browbeaten).

Cust: Oh, good, I need a seriosu computer expert. Do you see that list of computer features there on that computer?

Me: Yes, sir. I do.

Cust: Good. Can you photocopy it for me?

"My husband played Netwk Admin"
Posted 07/01/2001 by adalger
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I work first level customer service for a cable modem provider. Here's my gem of the month.

Caller is a woman who sounds like a youngish, intelligent, and truly knowledgeable computer user.

Tech is me.

Tech: [standard opening spiel and info gathering] And what can I do for you today, Caller?

Caller: Well, my connection isn't working. We had a problem with not being connected sometimes, and that was traced to a bad network card, so we replaced it and now we can't connect at all.

T: And you've got all the drivers installed for the new card, I take it?

T: Let's see what we can do for you. you've got all the drivers installed for the new card, I take it?

C: Yes, I show all three cards now.

T: Three?

C: Oh, yeah, I didn't remove the ones from the old card. [does that]

T: [I've already determined that I can ping to her modem, but not to her computer.] It looks like I can see your modem on the network. Let's check some settings on your computer. What operating system are you running?

C: Windows 2000 Professional edition.

T: Great. Can you right click on "My Computer" and select "Properties" for me?

C: Okay, done.

T: Now click on your "Network Identification" tab and tell me what you have in there.

C: [reads off ID, which checks out right]

T: Okay, close out of that and go to "Start | Settings | Network and Dial-Up Connections" for me.

C: Okay, I've got two Local Area Connections. See, I'm running Internet Connection Sharing to my home network.

T: Alright . . . you can identify which one goes to the cable modem?

C: Yes, I disabled the other one to make it easier to troubleshoot.

T: Good, and the cable modem one is active? Double-click that one and let's go through the properties.

C: Okay. [all tcp/ip properties check out]

T: Hmm. This home network you're running, it's not through a router or hub between the cable modem and your computer, is it?

C: Nope. The ethernet cable from the modem goes into one ethernet card, and the hub is connected to the other.

T: And what, exactly, happens when you open a browser?

C: Well, it looks like it's looking for a site for about a minute, then it says the page can't be displayed.

T: [thinking that seems like a long time] Okay . . . there's one more thing I'd like to suggest. This may sound stupid, but have you checked that the ethernet cables are going to the right adapter? You might try swapping them and seeing if anything changes.

C: No, I don't think . . . wait a minute. My husband did play network administrator, and he just might have . . . there it is! It's working! And you know what the best thing is? I now have ammunition against my husband that just won't quit!

--

I feel sorry for the poor guy, a little, but . . . well, he *did* bring it on himself.

Can you find My brother?
Posted 07/01/2001 by NurosaD
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Ok the first thing im going to say is sadly this story is 100% True. Even if I wanted to make up a story about people not having a clue I cant top this. Anyways on to the tale.

I work for in tech support for a rather large group of isp's through out the United States. One day I get a call from a hysterical woman asking me if I work on the internet.

C: Do You work on the Internet?

Me: Yes , How can I help you today?\

C: Well I need you to Find my brother He works on the internet in Wilmington.

I have no clue what she expects me to do for her but I resign myself to do what I can .

M: Well I will try to help but the goes a bit beyond what we do here. We are just Internet Tech Support I can't really help you find someone.

C: Well I need to find Him soon. Its storming pretty bad outside and my kids need their supper. He said he would bring it home to us.

At this point she is half screaming half crying and I have no clue what is going on.

M: Well Ms. Do you know the name of the Company he works for? Maybe you can call him there?

C: No, I have no idea where he works , all I know is he is in Wilmington.

M: Well without that information there really isnt much I can do to help Ma'am.

C: You better help me .. My kids are hungry and I dont Like storms.

M: Ma'am I really wish I could help, but I cant find someone on the internet from where I am.

After about 45 minutes of Going back and forth that I would need more information to help her she became really Irate and hung up, Asking me Well what good are you then?

I shrugged it off thinkin it was just another crazy person loose in the world. Two Days later I get a priority callback to due.I call up the number Introduce myslef and what do you know... It's the same crazy woman! I ask her if she ever found her brother. Her response.. yeah he was in the garage out back the whole time....

*sighs* and I m thinking that she needs more help than Tech Support can give. Am I incorrect in my thinking?

We won't support it, no matter HOW many times you call.
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
Mark as inappropriate
 

Tonight(12/22/00) this guy from one of our sites called saying he was getting "you are not authorized to view this page" for every webpage he went to.

He was using an internet appliance with some browser called "enliven" or something. I told him we don't support internet appliances, and the only browsers we provide support for are Netscape and Internet Explorer, then told him he'd need to call @home so they could help him go through the settings on his internet appliance.

He wanted to know why we don't support them, I told him we only provide support for real computers running Windows 95, 98, 2000 or ME, and the MacOS 7.5 and above platforms, as well as only providing support for Netscape, IE, Outlook Express and Netscape mail.

He said "An internet appliance is a real computer"

"No, it's not, if it were a real computer it would be called a computer and not an internet appliance, and it would be running either IE or Netscape for a browser ***Most users aren't bright enough to know that there are other options***. "enliven" is more than likely some propriatary browser that comes with the machine. Is it even running windows?"

"I dunno...I don't think so..."(what DO those things run anyway?)

I give him the speech about only supporting PCs, what OSes we support, and the browsers we provide support for. He tries to convince me it's a problem with the site, I dalup to the site(with both dialup numbers) and can get to the sites he's trying to go to with no problem. I tell him this, he tries to weasel support out of me again, I give him the speech again, he says "Oh, so I need to call @home then?"

"Yes."

"Oh, okay, thanks." and he hangs up..

2 minutes later, the other tech here gets a call.

Same guy, same problem, the other tech tells him the same thing I told him.

He hangs up.

5 minutes later I get a call from a guy with a thick spanish accent. Same problem, same site, I say "You're the guy with the internet appliance"

...silence..."I am calling for my friend, yes."

"and your friend has the @home internet appliance with the 'enliven' browser, and is getting 'you are not authorized to view this webpage' errors all the time, and you're from *site name*, right?"

"....yes."

So by now, I'm really annoyed, this dork thinks he can trick us into supporting his PoS internet appliance, so in my best "Okay, I'm at the end of my rope, you've been told three times we don't support that PoS you have, now LISTEN TO ME and do NOT call back!" voice, I tell him "Sir, I told your friend that we do NOT support internet appliances, we do NOT support whatever the 'enliven' browser is, and we ONLY provide advanced support for COMPUTERS running *list of OSes and browsers*. We DO NOT PROVIDE SUPPORT FOR INTERNET APPLIANCES. Your friend needs to call @home so they can go over his settings with him."

....silence.....

"Okay, sir?"

"So he needs to call @home?"

"Yes. We CANNOT and WILL NOT provide any support beyond giving him dialup numbers and DNS numbers."

"Oh, okay." and he hung up.

"But it worked when my uncle had it!"
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
Mark as inappropriate
 

User has a 386(yes, that is correct, a 386) running Windows 95 with a 2400 baud standard modem and can't get a connection.

Honestly, all I could think to suggest(since she had already rebooted) was to have her unplug the phone from the modem and try it that way. Other than that, if she still can't get connected I don't think it's going to work.

---) 2001-02-02 at 20:21:46 by ME:

Still can't get connected. *SYSTEM TECH* suggested that I make sure she has log on to network unchecked, and to uncheck any protocols other than TCP/IP.***heh, you always think of the obvious AFTER you've hung up***

I had her do that.

>From what she told me she has NO system software/CDs/etc...so we can't mess with anything in network control panel, and it's an internal modem, so we can't have her just powercycle that.

After talking with *SYSTEM TECH* we figured that if doing this didn't do any good, her only other alternative(short of cancelling her account) would be to buy a new modem for the machine.

---) 2001-02-02 at 21:11:29 by ME:

Still can't get connected. I tried to explain to her that the reason was her modem was so old and was having problems communicating with our newer equipment. She only kept repeating "but I took it out of my uncle's computer and it worked fine in his", and was either not listening to what I was telling her or wasn't understanding.

I asked again if she had any system software with the machine and she said no. She also had no cab files(unless she mistyped it in the search) so there is literally nothing else we can do for her unless she gets a new modem.

I tried explaining this to her and she just repeated "but, what I'm saying is, I took this out of my uncle's computer and it worked fine in his"

I reiterated what I had just said and told her that there was literally nothing else we could do for her unless she

Had system CDs/floppies/Windows 95 on CD

Got a new modem

She hung up on me.

...yet I'm the stupid one?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
Mark as inappropriate
 

I had a man from one of our Southern sites call up, nightmarish...it went something like this:

C: "I done want ta set up..ah, ah, I done talked to some laaady at, ah, the, ah, office yestah'day, and she done tol' me that I gots ta do steps that she done tell me ta do and I done can't get ma' email!"

Me: *translating from redneck to English on the fly...we have a lot of customers in backwoods places in the South* "Okay, did you sign up with a new account yesterday, or did you sign up for an extra email address?"

C: "I done don't know what yew mean...I done talk to this laaady at that office there and she done set me up and I done can't get ma' email! I done follow the steps she give me over tha' phone and I done can't get ma' email!"

Me: "Okay, do you remember any of what she had you do?"

C: "No, I sure don't, I done can't get ma' email, she had me doin' all these steps and I done don't remembah' what she have me do, an' I can't get ma' email!"

Me: "Did you have an internet account with us before yesterday?"

C: "I sure did, ma' wife she done have an account with you all, and this laaady she sign me up with *username/password* and I done can't get ma' email."

Me: *SUCCESS! We just need to set up an identity in OE* "Okay, sir does your wife use Outlook Express for her email?"

C: *yelling across the house to his wife* "She do."

Me: "Okay, open up Outlook Express."

C: "I done can't! It don't do nothin'!!"

Me: "Did you double click on the little picture that looks like an envelope with two blue arrows?"

C: "I done did but it don't work, it just this screen with ma' wife's email, it don't done do nothin!"

Me: "Okay, does it say Outlook Express at the top?"

C: "It don't say nothin'! It just got her email, it don't done do nothin'! It just this screen with nothin'!

....edited for length, we went in circles like this for 10 minutes...finally...

Me: "Okay sir, is there a File menu?"

C: "There sure is."

Me: "Okay, click on it, then click on manage identities."

C: "I done did that, do I click on Add Identity now?"

Me: "Yes, then enter your name, and..."

C: "It done ask me for a password, do I done put one there?"

Me: "If you want a password, you can enter one, but if you forget it we can't help you get it back."

C: "Okay, I done want one, I type one in..does it matter what it be?"

Me: "Nope, just make sure you remember what it is.

C: "There done be two fields, what do I done do with the second one?"

Me: "You have to enter the same password twice, it's to make sure you didn't mistype something the first time."

C: "Oh, okay." So he miskeys and it asks him to type it again...."It done didn't work, it done ask me for the password again!"

Me: "Okay, that means you accidently miskeyed something, just type the password in EXACTLY THE SAME in both fields again."

C: "I don't done have anyplace ta' type it, it done not work, I can't type nothin'! It just ask for password in them done two spaces."

So, I tell him again to retype the password...and he says:

C: "Y'all better talk to ma' wife..." THEN he starts yelling, like I can't hear him, "Honey, you done come talk to them, they don't know what the hell they're doing, they done better hire some peoples that knows what they's doing, 'cause this one don't know a damn thing, she done don't know nothing and she done confusin' me. They got damn stupid people workin' there."

By this point I'm pissed, this guy is a MORON!!! And the morning tech is laughing because he's been listening in...so I say:

Me: "Sir, you can't even manage to follow steps a 7 year old child could follow and create something as SIMPLE as an identity in Outlook Express, and I'M the stupid one?!" and hung up.

He didn't call back.

"Is that 'write' or 'right'?"
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
Mark as inappropriate
 

Setting up an older guy with his first computer...let me mention I loathe family members who buy an elderly relative their first computer, then leave without teaching them how to do the basics...like set it up and turn it on! Anyhoo...

"...okay sir, now I need you to right click on *ISP*'s icon and..."

"Is that write or right?"

*stunned silence...maybe he's kidding?*

"Uh...no, um, with the right hand mouse button, click once on *ISP*'s icon and..."

"I know, I got that, but is it 'write' or 'right'??"

*more stunned silence.......he's not kidding!!*

"Sir, it has nothing to do with your keyboard. You have two mouse buttons, click the one on the right hand side of the mouse."

"OH!! There we go!!"

>From there it went pretty smoothly. I'm not sure what he was intending to do...

"Why won't it take my password? I put a new modem in!"
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
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Tonight(4/21/01), I got a call around 4:30am from a customer in Missouri...I am now convinced that there is something terribly, horribly wrong with people from Missouri.

C: "I got this email saying my account was past due, and yesterday my password didn't work, so I bought a new modem and installed that and my password STILL doesn't work! What's wrong?!"

Me: I look, his account is indeed suspended for non-payment. "Your account is suspended for being past due on payments."

C: "But, I put a new modem in!"

WHAT the hell was this guy thinking?! That a new modem would trick us into not knowing he hadn't bothered to pay his bill?

"freezed" out of email.
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
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"I get freezed out every time I clicks send and receive."

"Okay, what do you mean by 'freezed out'?"

"Like it freezes me off the internet and I have to reconnect."

"So, it disconnects you when you click send/recv?"

"Yes."

"Okay, do you have your mail program open?"

"Yes."

"Using Outlook Express?"

"Yes."

"Okay, click on the tools menu, then click on options..then..."

"Wait..click on outlook express? Where's that?"

"???...do you have your email program open?"

"Yes!"

"Okay, click on the tools menu, then click on options..."

"There's no outlook express to click on!!!"

"No..okay..ma'am, you're already in outlook express, I need you to click on the tools menu, ok?"

"I thought you wanted me to click on the outlook express..."

"No, click on the TOOLS MENU!!"

"I thought you said outlook express"

"Do you have OE open?"

"Yes."

"Then click on the TOOLS MENU and then on OPTIONS"

"There's no Outlook Express to click on!!"

"Okay...okay...do you see something across the top that says File, Edit, View, Tools, Message,

Help?"

"Yes..."

"Click on the word TOOLS"

"Oh okay..."

"Now click on the word OPTIONS"

"Okay..."

"Now click on the tab that says CONNECTIONS"

"I can't find any Outlook Express to click on!!!"

WTF?!?! What...is...she...thinking...?!

Finally I did get her over there and had her uncheck(after explaining five times that to uncheck a

box you just click on it...) hang up after send/recv. Not being rude to these people had better

count towards something in the afterlife...

Please keep your lies straight.
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
Mark as inappropriate
 

Guy calls up with the phrase I hate, "Are your servers down in the *city* area?"

Me: "No."

C: "Well I can't get anywhere."

Me: "When's the last time you rebooted your machine?"

C: "It's not a problem with my machine."

Me: "When's the last time you rebooted your machine?"

C: "Just now."

Me: "Okay, exactly what's happening then?"

C: "Well I can't get to nothing."

Me: "Okay, if after disconnecting/reconnecting and rebooting if you still can't surf we'll need to reinstall TCP/IP. What kind of machine is it?"

C: "It's NOT a problem with my machine! I can get to eBay!"

Me: "You just told me you couldn't get anywhere..."

C: "Well, I could get to eBay but the rest of the internet is down."

Me: "The 'rest of the internet' is not down, if you can get to eBay, there's nothing wrong with your connection. If you can't surf, we need to reinstall TCP/IP(quick fix, that'll usually take care of most surfing problems), or at the very least look at your browser settings."

C: "There's nothing wrong with MY computer!"

Me: "Well, there's nothing wrong with ours either."

C: "Well, I can't get to anything."

Me: "You just told me you were able to get to eBay, which would indicate that we're up and running fine."

C: "I just told you I couldn't surf!"

Me: "You also just told me you could get to eBay, which is it?" ***NOTE TO CUSTOMERS: Please keep your lies straight. Don't think we're not listening.***

C: "I can't do anything. What's wrong with your servers?"

Me: "Nothing, we need to check your browser settings and reinstall TCP/IP."

C: "No we don't! The problem's not on my end!"

Me: "Yes, it is."

C: "That's not what we need to do!"

Okay, so by this point I'm annoyed. What does he want me to do? Say, "Oh yes, Magnificant Customer, the problem is on our end, please allow me to plug the Internet back in."? I want him gone, but I can't hang up on him...nothing says I can't persuade him to hang up on me. They allow us to get "snippy" with problem(i.e. rude, uncooperative, totally ignorant without ability to learn, etc..) customers, we're even encouraged to suggest they find another ISP so we don't have to deal with them. :)

C: "So, are you going to fix your equipment."

Me: "There's nothing wrong with OUR equipment. YOU, however, need TCP/IP reinstalled."

C: "No, I don't!!!"

Me: "Tell you what, since you seem to know what you need to do better than someone who's been doing this kind of stuff for years, why don't you fix it yourself?"

C: "The problem is on YOUR end!"

Me: "All of our systems are currently 100% operational, you need to reinstall TCP/IP."

C: "NO, I DON'T!!!!" *click*

Thank you God.

Funny thing is, he probably only needed to disconnect/reconnect, reboot, or simply click "refresh". But, oh nooooo, he'd "already done that". Right, and I have wings.

"Well, isn't my password stored in RAM somewhere?"
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
Mark as inappropriate
 

This paranoid guy calls and is all pissed off and frantic that he doesn't have his personalized MSN page for his homepage anymore and that it takes him to a "please sign in" page.

He tells me his friend had been over that weekend and had used hotmail.

I tell him to just login using his MSN passport username and password.

He swears he doesn't have one for like 20 minutes, then finally says "I don't remember what it is." and wants to know why he can't get his personalized MSN page.

I explain the concept of cookies, and that when his friend logged in, it logged him out, and he'd have to log in again.

He said he didn't remember his MSN passport UN/PW and demanded I get it for him.

I tell him we can't do that, we don't have access to MSN's database.

He demands I get it for him.

I tell him this is impossible.

He demands I get it for him.

I tell him this is impossible.

This repeats for many long minutes.

I get sick of him, he keeps demanding to talk to a "smart tech" who will get it for him. I tell him no other tech will be able to get it for him. He demands to talk to my supervisor. I tell him my supervisor wont' be able to get it either.

He's convinced I'm lying.

I send the guy to my supervisor.

My supervisor has the same conversation I had with him, only it lasts about an hour this time.

Finally my supervisor says "you can either contact MSN through this forum page I took you to, or you can create a new MSN passport login and recreate your personalized page."

This guy says "I'm going to cancel my service if you don't get my personalized homepage back"

Supervisor says "That's fine sir, if you want to do that you'll have to submit it in writing or stop down here."

This guy says "I'll go to another provider who can get my personalized page back."

Supervisor says "No provider will be able to do this for you. I can help you get a new MSN passport ste up if you'd like."

This guy says "I don't want to spend hours customizing my homepage again!!"

Supervisor says "Then there's nothing more we can do for you."

So, this guy says "Well this computer is WORTHLESS to me if I can't have my personalized page!! I'll just go out and buy a new one!"

The entire tech office was on the FLOOR after the supervisor hung up with this guy.

LISTEN ALREADY!!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
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People who don't follow directions and just plain don't listen are fun, as seen below:

"Yeah, I was at this website and I got disconnected and it prompted me to redial. I don't want it to do that, I want it to automatically redial when I get disconnected."

Okay, simple problem, "Are you running Win98, or WinME?"

"Windows 2000ME..."

"Sir, Win2kME isn't a real OS..are you running Win2k?"

...silence...

"Okay, click your start button, what does it say up the side?"

"Windows 98."

"Okay, you have Windows 98. Double click on My Computer then go into Dialup Networking."

"Go into the computer?"

"No, DOUBLE CLICK on My Computer, then go into Dialup Networking."

"Okay, I'm in there."

"Good, now..hang on a sec.."*This is where I draw a blank as to where the setting in Win98 is, I haven't used '98 in many months.*...okay, click on the connections menu then on settings."

"Okay."

"Okay, now check 'Redial' and..."

"Wait, what? I don't have that!"

"...oookay, what do you have on your screen?"

"A:\, C:\, Control Panel, Dialup Networking..."

*sigh* "Okay sir, please go into Dialup Networking."

"...scheduled tasks, my documents..."

"Sir, PLEASE GO INTO DIALUP NETWORKING!"

"Oh, you want me to go into dialup networking? How do I do that? Do I double right, or left, or do I explore?"

*Wishing to explore his skull with a blunt object...:)* "You double click on it with the left mouse button, the same way you double click on everything else."

"Okay, so..that's two clicks, right?

"Yes..."

"Okie dokie, I'm in dialup networking, I have make new connection, and connection to *our ISP*, and nothing else."

"Okay, we're going to pretend the icons don't exist for now, okay? Click on the connections menu then on settings."

"Got it."

"Is Redial checked?"

"I have general, server types, scripting, multilink, and the phone number..."

*AAAAAARGH!* "Sir, you right clicked on the *ISP* icon and left clicked on properties."

"I may have, I don't remember."

"Close that window and look up where you see the words file, edit, and view...do you see a word that says connections?"

"Yes."

"Click on that then click on settings."

"Is that double left mouse or right click?"

"Once with the left button on connections, once with the left button on settings."

"Okay, got it."

"All right, is Redial checked?"

"I don't have redial..."

"What's on your screen?"

"General, Server Types..."

"You right clicked on the icon again...."

"I don't remember, I think I might have, isn't that what you wanted me to do?"

Repeat this scenerio about 4 more times...then, finally, I say...

"Sir, you are going to NEED to follow my directions EXACTLY if we're going to get this working for you, okay? PLEASE do exactly as I say, don't try to get ahead of me, don't assume you know what I'm going to have you do, and PLEASE only click on what I tell you to click on! Okay?"

"Okay..."

"Good, now please click ONE TIME with the LEFT mouse button on the word CONNECTIONS."

"Got it."

"Now, click ONE TIME with the LEFT mouse button on the word SETTINGS."

"I'm there."

"Okay, do you see the word Redial?"

"Yep."

"Is the check box next to it checked?"

"I have *goes off listing ALL the check boxes, checked or not...*"

"Okay sir, IS REDIAL CHECKED?"

He lists off all the boxes again...

"Okay, forget about the other boxes, let's focus on the one next to the word redial, okay?"

"Okay..."

"Is there a check mark there?"

"There's a check box."

"Is there a check in it? If not, put a check there."

"There's a check box there..."

"DOES IT HAVE A CHECK MARK IN IT?"

"No, there's just a check box there."

"Put a check mark in the box."

"Okay."

Okaaaaay, so we get through that, get it set to redial on its own...

"Click the OK button now."

"Okay...I did that, it just took me back to the Dialup Networking window! It's not working!"

"Sir...you need to get off the phone with me and redial before it'll work..."

"Really? I thought it was supposed to dial on its own!"

"It will REDIAL on its own, you have to tell it to dial intitially, and you only have one phone line, so we have to get off the phone for it to work."

"Oh! Okay then! Thanks, buh-bye!"(Yes, he actually said buh-bye).

Pardon me while I go beat my head against something hard and stationary.

Business Machines???
Posted 07/01/2001 by John Weintraub
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I work at O--ic- De---t *Big Box Retailer) and I get some very amusing phone calls, because of the "low level" ( computer literacy-wise) of the clientele we get here. Thus:

Me: Good Afternoon, O--ic- De---, John speaking, how can I help you?

Cust: Hi, I 'd like to speak to someone in your computer department, please.

Me: I'm in business machines, how can I help you sir.

Cust: No, I need to speak to someone in your computer dept.

Me: Well, sir, business machines INCLUDES computers. Maybe I can help you.

Cust: Aren't you listening? I said, I need someone in your COMPUTER department!

Me: Sir, We don't HAVE a computer dept.

Cust: So you don't sell computers?

Me: We DO sell computers, but we don't have a computer department.

Cust: Wait a minute. I'm confused. You sell computers even though you don't have a computer department?

Me: That's right sir.

Cust: Don't you have, like, a techincial department? Can I speak to a technician?

Me: Well, business machines IS our technical department. And I am a technician.

Cust: No, Look! I want to speak to someone who knows something about computers!

Me: (very slowly and carefully) Yes, sir. I am in the business machines department, I DO KNOW a LOT about computers. How (pause) can (pause) I (pause) be (pause) of (pause) service?

Cust: (sounding almost depserate) Look!!!! I WANT TO SPEAK TO A COMPUTER SALESMAN RIGHT NOW!

Me: Yes sir! I AM A COMPUTER SALESMAN! how can I help you?

Cust: You said you were in business machines! I want to speak to someone who knows something about computers. You know, CPU's and all that junk?

ME: I am what you are looking for, sir! How can I help you?

Cust: Do you sell computers?

Me: Personally?

Cust: yes.

Me: Yes.

Cust: so can you help me? I'm looking for a computer.

Me: (through very gritted teeth) Yes, sir. How can I help you?

Then we proceeded on from there. But honestly, how difficult is it to figure out that Business machines could INCLUDE computers, and that I could be both a tech AND a salesman? Honestly. SOme of these people. Ya wonder how they got through elementary school. Sheesh.

Webpage Updating?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Neeri
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I was chatting with my friend on AIM (Not the best program in the world, but it works), and he mentioned that people kept messaging him to tell him that his webpage was down. I figured if his page was down it was probably that the server was down as well, so told him to tell them that so they'd leave him alone.

At which point my friend replied in a manner that made me want to smack him.

(F=Friend, M=Me)

F: Huh? The server's down!?! How do you know??? This screws everything up!

M: Well if they can't see your webpage I'm guessing the server's down. It'll probably be back up in a few hours or so.

F: Yeah but I was just in the middle of updating my webpage and now I'll have to start over!

M: No you won't. Just save what you've got so far and upload it when the server's back up.

F: It's already saved, I just don't want my computer to lag.

M: ...Huh? What're you using to do your webpage?

F: Oh I'm using an HTML editor and then FTPing it to the site.

M: Yeah, like I said, just save it and upload it when the server's back up.

F: No no no, but my computer's going to be laggy till I can do that!

M: Okay, hold on. *Why* will your computer lag?

F: Because it's full of my webpage files.

M: Er... Wait a second. How exactly do you update your webpage?

F: I save it to my computer, then update it and upload it.

M: Okay, yeah, but it's just a few HTML files. That's not going to cause your computer to slow down.

F: No it's about 100 files.

M: HUH?

(At this point realization is begining to dawn on me.)

M: Wait... Let me get this straight. Do you download your webpage, including all the files on it like pictures and stuff, then upload it all again?

F: Yeah, I upload it after I delete the old stuff. It won't update if the old files are still there, but now I'll have to start over in case I missed any.

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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A buddy of mine once worked Tech Support in Germany. He told me about one call from a customer who complained that her floppy drive didn't work. He ran through the troubleshooting tree, and the drive appeared to be exhibiting some odd behavior. It would format and write, but reading was hit-and-miss. He arranged for a service call to replace the drive.

The customer was an artist living in an upscale apartment in Berlin; the place was decorated in a neo-Japanese style, including a corroded steel wall. When he arrived, my friend laughed out loud when he saw that the woman had very artistically arranged her floppy disks by affixing them to the steel wall with powerful magnets.

Sad install techs...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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A friend of mine recently showed up at my place, cable modem in hand. It appears he'd had myriad problems with the installation (by a cable provider rhyming with "Lode Runner"). After the techs installed it, it never worked, and they told him that "the server is down". This despite the fact that we share the same server, and I'd seen nary a glitch since installation several months ago.

Anyway, he had guessed that he had a bad modem, and wanted me to install it on my system just to be sure. I did, and sure enough, I got no internet. I ran through every troubleshooting routine I can think of, and the results were all the same. He had a bad modem. Just to be sure, I took my modem to his place and hooked it up. Sure enough, the network worked properly.

He called tech support and described the situation. The tech-support person praised his genius on thinking of such a creative way to diagnose the problem. He then requested a new modem, and was given a service date.

When the magic day arrived, my friend told the tech what he had done to figure out the problem (despite the fact that he told them he had a bad modem in the first place, and was repeatedly given the "server down" excuse). Apparently, the tech's eyes got big, and he said "You didn't connect ANOTHER modem to this machine! Now the system will think your computer is his!" The tech then insisted on re-initializing all his user information, which means my buddy now has to enter all his new user info, reset passwords, etc., because the tech was a moron.

THE STICKERED CARTRIDGE
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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This tale is a sweet short one but is quite amusing, lets call him (The Customer) Person "A", Person "A" brings in his printer which has a 1 year total replacment warranty, the print swaps out the faulty unit for a refurbished unit and finds during the swapout process that the black cartridge is empty, he places a sticker on the cartridge warning the customer of this fact. the printer is dispatched...... 2 Days pass and the customer comes back in saying the printer wont print, when checked the customer had removed the "this cartridge is empty" label off the black cartridge and reinstalled it into the printer trying to get it to go again.

Training the support peope
Posted 07/01/2001 by David
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I do network support at a large company but I was at home when I noticed that I was timing out when trying to get to various sites on the net. So I called my ISP (Qwest) and knowing that I'd be waiting a while on hold I decided to do some checking on my own. So I dug out Neo Trace and started doing some traceroutes and figured out that it was on of their upstream providers and not them. I was surprised when I was only on hold for about 2 minutes so I figured that people hadn't started calling yet.

So I told the tech support person what the problem was, where it was at and the ID of the switch. She wanted to know how I had found out all this suff , so I spent about 10 minutes giving her a lesson on how to use the tracert command and what it all means. She told me that they had been told that they had that program but had never used it.

Monitor needs ink
Posted 07/01/2001 by Howieone
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Last summer I worked the Help Desk for a large Dept Store Chain. It begins with a D and ends with a D and has illar in the middle. One of my coworkers took a call and then announced that her caller wanted to know how to put more ink in her Monitor because it was fading out. We had fun giving her suggestion on how to handle the call. I told her to have the caller look for the dip stick on the back of the monitor to check the ink level. If the caller was not able to find the dip stick she should use a pocket mirror to look behind the monitor for it. If she could still not find it she should hold the mirror straight out in front of her and look into the mirror and she if she could see the dip stick NOW. Because she was one.

Help Desk How can I help you

Howie

SneakerNet
Posted 07/01/2001 by Joel Tanzi
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I once got a call from a doctor while I was a database support technician. He described his issue to me as a "network problem." I asked what he meant, and he said that when he attempted to back up his database to the network, he was getting a message that the destination directory was out of space. I asked him where the physical location of the network directory was, and he said it was a computer in the next room. I suggested he check to see if the computer had enough hard drive space remaining to store his file, and he said, yes it did, he had already checked that. I asked how big the database was and he said it was 1.5 MB. So then I started in on what kind of network he was using; was it 10mps, 100mpb, Ethernet, Token Ring, whatever. He said he didn't know anything about that.

After having him describes cables running out his computer to me I was confounded by the fact that nothing seemed to match a standard network cable. I asked him to run through exactly what he did when he backed up his database. He started copying the database over the network, and got the same message again. He said, "At this point, if it worked, I would go to the other computer." I asked why this was necessary, and he said "Well, I have to go put the floppy disk in to copy it over!"

Free shares
Posted 07/01/2001 by Joel Tanzi
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When they encounter a problem with a Microsoft product, many end users are quick to call it a bug. Sometimes they are right, sometimes not, but often they believe they are the first to discover it. I once got a call from an Access user who indicated that he had found a bug in the product and wanted to prove it to me. He demanded 100 free shares of Microsoft stock for this discovery (no, I'm not kidding). I did attempt to explain that stock was not something we usually dole out over the technical support line, and the fact that I did not even work for Microsft did not seem to deter him. So I settled on determining first if his "bug" was in fact legitimate.

I asked him why he thought there was a bug, and he said he had created a query to restrict a record set to just those records that fell under a certain date. He was entering "9/31/98" as the date in question. When he did this, Access would change this value to "9/3/1/9/8" as soon as he moved out of the field. He triumphantly pointed out that his coworker's PC with the same version of Access installed performed in exactly the same manner. Now, I had been supporting Access for several months, and had covered a pretty good range of issues but this one did catch me off guard.

While I tried to think of possible causes and workarounds for this, I had a recurring memory of a little poem I used to recite in the fourth grade. You know it: "Thirty days hath September, April, June..." and so on. I said this out loud to myself without realizing it and the customer broke in to ask what I was doing. I apologized and then suggested the possibility he was having this problem was that September has only 30 days. He was silent for a moment and then sheepishly agreed that yes, this was probably it. Needless to say no stock exchanged hands.

The Only Thing Worse Than Clueless Users
Posted 07/01/2001 by Lauren Eve Pomerantz
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The only thing worse than clueless users is clueless tech support.

I have a laptop that I use on my company's network and on my DSL at home. I had been trying to work at a place we just purchased, and when I couldn't get on their network, support refused to help me until after I deleted my ISP's DNS IPs. I didn't find out until later that the problem was that their system was Novell and we run NT, so I didn't have IPX/SPX bound.

So I got back home and tried to get on the DSL. And I can't get any pages to open. Okay, sometimes I have system problems. But pages will open with IP addresses, just not the URLs. Good thing I wrote those DNS IPs down before I deleted them. Bad thing I wrote them in my scheduler, which I then left in the rental car.

I use dial-up to get online and go to my ISP's online tech support. Five minutes later I am chatting with a "tech."

Me: I need the IP addresses for the DNS servers.

Tech: You do not need those if you are using DSL.

Me: Well, I cannot open Web pages when I type in the URL. But I CAN open them when I type in the IP address, and I can ping and FTP to that IP address. Sounds to me like I can't resolve the URL.

Total "silence" on the part of the tech. What is he doing? Reading the manual?

Me: Okay, how about humouring me? Why not give me the DNS IPs just to prove me wrong?

He did. I entered them, and Lo and Behold, I can now resolve URLs.

I get every penny's worth on my free tech support.

Computer Store Advice
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I recently overheard this:

clerk: "Oh, how much memory do you have?"

customer: "128"

clerk: "RAM?"

customer: "Yeah"

Clerk: "Well, maybe you have too much memory, and that's why you're computer's overheating."

Backlash I mean Backslash
Posted 07/01/2001 by SkyHacker007
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I do Tech Support for a Major University in Canada. I support a ever growing list of products, Pine mail, Windows 95/98/nt, Lotus Notes to name a few. However what gets me is the Little things. Heres a small sample. ( these happen ALL the time over and over and still they won't listen to me)

ME-Q, Are you Logged into the machine?

USER-A, Yes. (No im not, I really dont know what that means even though this will greatly effect and attempts to help me solve my computer issues )

ME-Q, Are you using the backslash? Above your Enter key? The one that LEANS to the LEFT? If it was drunk it would fall to the LEFT? Right hand of the keyboard to the LEFT of the delete key?

USER-A, Yes. ( No I'm using the other slash due to lack of information on the exact planetary location of the "backslash" button you speak of)

USER-Q, My Netscape email does not work! All I did was change a few setting like my Office mate!

ME-A, Im sorry The University and my self do not support Netscape as a email package, I can help you with Pine or Lotus Notes. ( official sounding voice )

USER-Q, But my officemate has it installed, and helped me install it! I cant read my mail!

ME-A, Well since we dont support it, we didnt install it I dont know about it I'm not too sure how I can help.

USER-Q, But I cant read my mail!

ME-A, Im sorry The University and my self do not support Netscape as a email package, I can help you with Pine or Lotus Notes. ( official sounding voice )

USER-Q, But I cant read my mail!

ME-A, SO WHAT! USE THE &%^%$%^ SOFTWARE WE GIVE YOU! YOU SCREWED IT UP! YOU FIX IT!

I feel so much better!

Thanks! SkyHacker007

Err... Green Button???
Posted 07/01/2001 by Mark
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The first one us cincerning my dear sister of 16 years. She is not the most computer savvy of blondes, but she sure likes her siolitaire.

I was at work and in between calls tying to play with my website which is runnng off my personal server at home. The key word here is trying. I tried pingint it with no sucess. I figured the recent storm had probably knocked the power out of the unit.. No big deal.. it happens every now and then. The process to get it back up isn't all to hard, just disconnecting the power cord from the back, replacing it, and pressing the power button.

So I call home and my favortie sister answers the phone.

"Hey Holly, Mind doing me a tiny favor."

"ummm.. sure!"

"Go into my room and disconnect the power from the back of my computer, plug it back in, and presss the green power button."

*gives me a perplexed look over the phone.."ok..... wheres the power cord at?"

"It's in the back right when facing the front...."

"Ok.. now what?"

"pres the green power button.."

"errr.. green power button?"

"Yea.. it's in the middle of the front of the computer.."

"Ummm.. Ok yea.. got it..."

"Ok thanx sis."

I then proceed to ping my server... not found... I figured I must have wiped out the program or something so i wait till I get home. When i do arive home I find my monitor moved around and it's power light shining orange. It dawns on me... that my sister had mistaken the monitor for the computer. Poor thing, my parents gave her a hard time on that too hehe.

It Says What?!?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Mark
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I work as a phone tech support agent for a major printer manufactuer. I work primamrily with consumer modles so the majority of our callers lack great computer knowledge.

I was working with this really kind sounding lady who had just gotten a new computer and a printer to go with it. She had a very attractive voice and she was very patient with our long call. I had her open up wordpad as i often have customers do to test if applications print fine. I had her type in "This is a test." and told her to goto file ) print ) ok. Nothing printed, but she did get a blue screen o' death so I had her press any key on the keyboard to continue.

I was in mid sentence explain the next step in the process when she stopped me with this:

"I prolly shouldn't tell this to a complete stranger half way across the US, but I HAVE to tell you. When we got that blue screen and I pressed some keys to continue.... from that my WordPad now says "this is a testicle"."

We laughed together for about 5 minutes, and I still laugh today.

Static DHCP? / Send that tech / Oops
Posted 07/01/2001 by adalger
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Two from me today, me being cable ISP Tier 1 CSR.

(H1)Static DHCP?(/H1)

Dramatis Personae:

Caller (C) -- a young woman.

Caller's Husband (H) -- a young man.

Me (M) -- . . . well, yeah.

[M on phone, alarum via headset. Enter C.]

/Ad lib standard greetings/

C: I need my IP adress and nameserver IP address.

M: [Brief pause. She's using jargon, so I can too.] Okay . . . you can't use DHCP?

C: I have no idea what that means. I just know my husband told me I needed those things.

M: [Ooh, great. Knowledgable person leaves clueless one alone on the phone.] Umm . . . can I walk you through some settings? I think we can get you online. [Looking at report that modem shows up on network, computer doesn't.]

C: Oh, I guess.

M: Okay. What operating system are you running?

C: You mean like Pentium?

M: No. [Bang head.] What version of Windows?

C: I have no idea. I'm going to give you to my husband. You two "computer people" can talk.

M: [. . . why didn't /he/ talk to me in the first place?!]

H: Hi.

M: Hi. What operating system are you running?

H: Windows 2000.

M: [/He's/ the one that knows jargon. Okay.] Can you set that up to use DHCP?

H: Sure. So that's all we need?

M: Yes, that should work fine for you.

H: [pause] So . . . can I get the IP address?

(H1)Send that tech(/H1)

DP:

Caller (C) -- An elderly gentleman who doesn't sound too swift.

Me (M) -- same-o

[M on phone, alarum via headset. Enter C.]

/Ad lib standard greetings/

C: I don't want to talk to a technical person there, I want you to send that tech out that came out before.

M: [dingdingding! Danger, Will Robinson!] Umm . . . I have no way to do that. Can I ask what the problem is?

C: He said all I had to do was give you his technician's number. I've got it right here, last time he just plugged me in and made it work.

M: [staunchly holding ground] What is it that isn't working? [seeing that computer responds to ping]

C: My email! I want you to send that tech out! I've had people calling me, asking whether I got that email they sent.

M: If you want that tech, you'd have to call your local cable office. [I probably /could/ do this, but we /don't/ do that.] [casually:] Is it okay if I check a couple things in your settings first?

C: Well, I guess.

M: Okay, I'd like you to click on "Send and Receive" in your Outlook Express.

C: Okay. It doesn't do anything. Down at the bottom it says, "The requested operation was completed successfully."

M: [bingo] Okay, let's see what happens when you try to send. Click on "New Mail" and type your email address where it says "To:" ok?

C: Ok.

M: Now type "test" in the subject, and put a few words down below in the body, and click "Send."

C: [sounds of typing] Ok. Oh, it disappeared. I guess it sent.

M: Hmm. [babble and stall for half a minute or so] Let's try clicking "Send and Receive" again and see what happens.

C: Ok. [well-known OE new mail sound] Oh. Well . . .

M: Sounds like you have mail. Everything seems to be working ok.

C: [a little bewildered] I guess it does . . .

M: Anything else I can do for you today?

(H1)Oops(/H1)

DP:

Caller (C) -- a young woman, or perhaps an older girl

Me (M) -- why do I bother putting in this part?

[M on phone, alarum via headset. Enter C sobbing.]

M: Blah blah blah phone number blah blah

C: [sob gasp]What? Yeah, it's 555-555-5555. [gulp sob]

M: /and other info/

C: /answers interspersed with sobs/ and I've called three times and I've wasted my whole day walking back and forth to the library trying to get my email because my computer's broken.

M: Okay, let's see what we can do for you. [quick look at case notes, other two calls referring to web-based clients] Are you at your computer now? [tech being a little thick]

C: Yes, but it's BROKEN! I CAN'T USE it. [sob]

M: Oh, I'm sorry. Umm . . what can I help you with today?

C: I've got a lot of email messages coming in, and I'm trying to get to them, and I've called and gotten all these different sites to try to get my email, one of them even cost me ten dollars, and I still can't get my email!

M: Okay. [best reassuring voice] What sites have you been sent to?

C: [sob, sigh, and voice near hysterics] Okay, I've already wasted my whole day, let's start wasting my whole night too. I've tried [lists some sites] and none of them work. I tried to get to [our start page address] and it says "Click here for help" and I click there and it goes back to the same page!

M: [Finally understanding what she needs] Okay . . . I'm going to break the rules here. [I know how to do what she needs, and I know how to do it.] Do you have *any* web-based email account?

C: [slightly exasperated because she doesn't know what I know] Yes, hotmail, but I need to check my [our service] mail!

M: Right, Caller. Here's how you do that. I don't know if hotmail has this option, if they don't, you can get a free yahoo account and I know they do, but you want to check a remote POP3 account from your webmail account. Here's your mail POP3 server name: [gives name]. Now, just let me check something . . .

C: [most hopeful and gratitude-filled voice I've ever heard] Okay, sure!

M: [looking at outage board] Caller . . . I'm *really* sorry to have to tell you this, but the email server in your area is down at the moment.

C: [sob] Great! Well [sincerely] thanks for saving me another half-hour walk to the library, at least.

side note: I knew to check this because my previous call had been from a person who had disconnected near the end of troubleshooting with another CSR. That tech had checked, and there was no reported outage then. By the time she got on the phone with me, the outage was on the board. I had to explain this to her when she started complaining about how bad a tech the other person was -- the outage report was literally one minute prior to when I answered her call.

what password?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I recently had to distribute new Lotus Notes passwords to about 100 employees of my company. I decided to do it via email rather than using the phone coz they are long, complicated case senditive passwords. As you might have guessed, lots of people replied saying it wouldn't work, mainly coz they can't type 5 characters without making a mistake but all of them worked when I manually changed their password to something simple for them....

One lady rang up and said she COULDN'T type in the new password. I said "why not?" , and she said "Every time I try to type the password, all these X's appear ..."

SPACE Cadet
Posted 07/01/2001 by Dan Hill
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This happened to a friend of mine while we were both working on a National Help Desk.

He was helping a caller with her problem by walking her through the verious steps required to correctly set up her software.

Everything went fine for a few minutes, then she started getting error messages about the commands she was entering on the command line.

After having her re-enter the commands several times, he asked her to tell him what she was entering, key by key.

It turns out that instead of entering "D I R (space) C:" (or something similar), she was entering "D I R S P A C E C:". We all had a good laugh over this one and I have never forgotten it even though it happened several years ago.

Right Click Horror
Posted 07/01/2001 by SkyHacker007
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Being mostly a Windows 95/98/NT University I deal with a lot of Windows issues, Disapearing Printers, Network drives.

But in my travels none of these devices throws a collective monkey wrench into a tech call than introducing the "Right Click" to a novice Windows User.

Me-Now can I please have you "Right Click"...

User-???

Me-The button to the right side of your mouse offers you choices, a menu etc...the left mouse is used to select or highlight a object or icon.

User-Ok so I "Right Clicked" do I right click to choose it?

Me-No use the regular "left" mouse button

User-Ohhhhh! It went away!

Me-Did you "Right Click?"

User-Yes...

Me-Please right click to display the menu...then follow that with a left click...which SELECTS an option. do NOT use the right click after the menu has appeared. A simple normal click will work.

User-*CLICK* Ohhhhh! It went away!

Me-Did you "Right Click?"

User-Yes is that wrong?

Me-Yes, Im afraid I can't help you. Your grasp of the english dialogue is not on par with this service call. Thank you for your call goodbye! ( Id love to say this )

The Modem
Posted 07/01/2001 by Rymus
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Anyway, this is only a short one and its not so much a story of tech support as a story of tech.

I spent some time as a senior network admin & system support 'guru' at a small city based web company. The Managing director of this particular company was a nice guy to work for and generally treated everyone with respect (strange I know). He also had absolutely no grasp of computers whatsoever.

so.. Basically the whole office ran on a lan and internet access, email and all the rest was catered for thru this network. What I couldnt get for ages was that the boss had me move heaven and earth to get him a modem so he could dial out from his computer. We didnt have a direct dial PBX so everything had to go thru the switchboard. He had no fax software or dun connections at all and just expressed his dire need for a modem to be installed in his computer. After several months of searching I managed to locate a modem for my boss and he was truly delighted when I installed it. Now before I installed it I impressed upon him that he could access everything he needed (websites, email, etc) thru the company network. But no luck, he still wanted his modem. So I left him to his own devices and installed a modem and a second phone extension to his office (we had a cramped enough PBX as it was and really needed the extra line). Thinking nothing of it I worked away happily for months until I heard the boss moaning about the phone bills. Our ISDN bill was seperate to the voice lines. I managed to cop a look at the bill over one lunch time and after seeing a truly unbelievable amount of international calls I smelled a rat. On investigating further, I found about 20 of those direct dial porn dun connections on my bosses pc desktop.

Now maybe he just didnt realise that he was dialling long distance to get his thrills or perhaps he's just truly stupid. Not only that however, I also found his 1gig home folder on our file server practically full of very low quality amateur porn. I nearly died laughing and had to lie down for about half an hour before the laughter pains in my stomach stopped. I explained the situation to my boss and offered to transfer his beloved porn back to his own computer to save valuable space on the server. At first he said "What porn?" but about ten minutes later he rang my extension and said quietly "ok, but do it fast and quietly".

God bless him.. our phone bills took a sharp drop after that tho.

Strippers are the dumbest species
Posted 07/01/2001 by Obi Ron
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Before I started working as a computer tech, I was a mechanic for this shop that shared a parking lot with one of the more popular strip clubs in town. Needless to say I have some interesting stories. One summer im out in our typical 110-115 degree heat working under the hood of this car. I'm all covered in grease and oil and in front of the shop. This stripper comes up and actually says to me "Hi, do you work on cars????" I said "Depends, what do you got for me???" She tells me that the headlights on her car are stuck. I look over and they are in the full up position and it just happened today. I went right over to her car and pushed the button inside that locks the headlights up so ice won't freeze them down. She said "oh that is what that button is for" I tell her "Yeah, you really don't need it here. Especially in the summer time." I wonder what she would have given me if I actually asked to be payed for that. Hmmmmmmmm

MCSE my A$$
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I've had my share of the standard "click my computer and hear the mouse tapping the screen and 'how am I supposed to click your computer'" calls but who really take the cake are people with all thier certs or have degrees.

I had one call I listened in on while I was a Sr tech at a DSL provider(if you want to call them that as bad as thier network was) and the agent got a call. The first thing out of his mouth was "I'm MCSE certified in blah blah blah. I know everything and if you have a question you ask me." of course SOP for this at a help desk is mute the customer, bang your head on the desk and and moan "Oh god, it's gonna be one of those calls." So this guy goes through the blah blah on what is wrong and it was a simple fix. The tech said "OK lets reboot the computer." There was about 5 seconds of silence and he comes back with "Does that mean turn the computer off then on?????"

Hint for all the certified people, when you call the help desk or tech support your certs don't mean $#!+. Our qualifications are, well the one you should be concerned with, is that you are calling us for help!!!!!!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot

Obi Ron

Printing woes
Posted 07/01/2001 by _Mist_
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I’m attending a local (Norwegian) high school. At school, we have a class called Economics, where we rely heavily on computers (For spreadsheets, word processing and research (Using the 'net, of course). Combining computers with 28 wild & crazy seventeen-year-olds… Can you spell “disaster”?

One time, the old HP LaserJet printer hung and decided not to print any more pages. Since I am the most tech-savvy person in class, I’m called in to help. (My life is computers…).

First, I check if the printer is out of paper, which is usually why it hangs… Nope, there is paper in it.

OK, so I hit the power-button, shutting it down, waiting a minute or two, then starting it up again. No go.

This particular printer is connected to the local Novell Netware file/printserver using a HP JetDirect (Or so I think) device, which converts from LAN to LPT (And back again). So I try to shut it down (by pulling out the power-plug, the only way) and start it again. Still no go.

Nothing… I check the print-queue from my computer. 56 jobs in the queue… None printing…

OK, so I get an idea. How about I try to delete all those jobs, then restart the printer and the JetDirect device. That should cure it… The only problem is that since the school is using Novell for printer and file-access authentication, there is a thing called user rights, which means that neither I, nor the teacher, has access to delete other peoples print jobs…

That, in turn, means that I have to run around to 25 different workstations, deleting each job in sequence. And, of course, the best-known cure to printer problems is to hit the print-button several times… Even though the teacher several times ordered people to stop printing, the queue grew to about 75 jobs from 25 different workstations before I got that far. Instructing these computer dummies to open such an advanced thing as a printer queue is not easy (I learned the hard way – I tried…). So I had to run around and delete print jobs. Even though I told each and every one not to print until I said they could, guess what? They did anyway, which meant having to revisit at least ten workstations. Ugh…

The end: I got the jobs deleted, restarted the printer and the JetDirect, and all was well, the printer printing as usual.

The end II: A week later, the same thing happened… I was not happy, but knew what to do. And, of course, none of the others had learned anything from the first time…

Oh, well… I’m glad I’m finished with “Economics”. I don’t think I’d be lying if I said I spent about one third of the time in that class as combined tech support, computer use 101 teacher and sysadmin… (Not that I mind, it probably bumped me up one grade level)

_Mist_

You’ll find me in the Lockergnome chatroom

(http://www.lockergnome.com/chat.html)

Who's That Lady
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I got a call from a elderly gentleman with a deep southern accent , he wanted to know if I knew a lady who worked with me , he didnt know her name but she kept coming on his phone line when he tried to go online , he wanted to know how she knew when he was trying to go online ( he was alittle upset too ) so I tried to explain that it was an operator message and he would not take that for and answer , so with alittle time and a few laughs we got he dialer to dial the right number and got him online .

I didn't know our software could do THAT!!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I currently support a software package that some colleges and universities use to track their student data. One identifier the software uses to manage the data is the students Social Security Number.

One day a user called in with what seemed to be a minor problem with the database. I walked her through running the standard database utilities, one of which would flash the Social Security Number of a student record being fixed by the utility.

Well, while running this utility, the caller's own SSN appeared on the screen. Since she was not a student she wondered aloud why her SSN would be in the database. She then said "Oh yeah! I remember when I first got the software I didn't have any real student records so I played with myself!" Silence. "Um. Heh. Heh heh."

is it working or networking???
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work for an ISP in Montreal and I just got that call from a guy who subscribed today. He was getting disconnected every 10 minutes, and had one of those crappy HSP onboard modems. We have a string for those modems that work quite well, so I wanted to apply it for the poor fella...

Me = Guess who :p

Dumb = Guess who :p

Dumb: Your connection is not worth a penny. It keeps on disconnecting me every now and then!

(I proceed to do all regular checks, which modem he has, etc.)

Me: Alright sir, are you in front of your computer?

Dumb: You damn right I am!

Me: Okay, double-click on My Computer

Dumb: Mmmkay

Me: Now, do you see an icon called Dial-Up Networking

Dumb: Well yeah, of course my computer is working! It's YOUR system that doesn't work!

Me: Sir, I didn't said that, I only asked if you see an icon called Dial...

Dumb: Don't give me excuses, it is YOUR system that is crap!

Me: Sir, do you want me to solve your problem or not?

Dumb: Well, yeah!

Me: Then just listen and follow me. I KNOW what the problem is!

Later in the call, I went to lower his modem's fifo buffers, and here's what happenned:

Me: Okay, do you see a button called "Port Settings"?

Dumb: umm... no.

Me: Okay then, look at the bottom left of the screen.

Dumb: No, I don't see a button left either...

>From that point, the call went downhill BIG TIME!

God, tell me why can't we issue computer-operating licenses?

Boat Man likes hold music
Posted 07/01/2001 by Rayne
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a nice older man called in tonight and waited in our LONG que for about 80 minutes... when i answer the phone i do the full speil giving my name and company name and asked for his e-mail address...

he suddenly bursts out into a long rant telling me that his boat motor wasnt working any more and he has this fishing trip coming up and we needed to send him a new one... and he went on and on about what parts he needed and gave me some code number for the motor...

i kept trying to interupt him and all he would say is "you gettin all this sweety?"

finally when i got him to shut up he was like... "well... shit atleast you had nice hold music"

we all got a nice laugh out of this one.

You supply tech support for WHAT!!!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I have just spent a very fustrating morning with a most idiotic tech support for Rock(not)well.

I currently working on an urgent project, creating H.M.I. (Human Machine Interface), for a pumping station.

The operator interface is a industrial computer with Win.CE O.S., and I am creating the project using the manufacturer's studio software, with screens, data entry, and data logging.

Before going for this software, I checked the manufacturer's tech support, to ensure that it was man enough for the job, and was told, "Yes it can log 300,000 values". Great just what was required.

The software arrived, and work comenced, I then noticed that, according software help screens, it could only log 10,000 values, (TROUBLE).

So back to tech support, pointed out the difference, and asked why?

The software being sold to the public, was version, with its limit of 10,000 values, but tech support had got version 1.5, which they based all their answers on. BUT version 1.5, is still in development, and therefore only available to the Beta testers.

The tech support guy, refused to accept that this discrepency, was leading to incorrect tech support info being given.

How they expect to support any one other than the Beta testers I have no idea.

The 3 Year Virus.
Posted 07/01/2001 by SkyHacker007
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Me-Hello Helpdesk

User-*sharply* I need help I have a virus on my computer.

Me-How do you know that if I may ask?

User-It says so when you turn it on, I have had this virus for three years, and your Dept continues to ignore me! For three years!

Me-*calming* Ok thats a problem my name is "skyhacker" and I have worked here for only one year, Do you take disks to and from work?

User-Of course! So do my roommates! We all have had this Virus for years! We cant work at the College because of this! I used to use just paper and ink as a girl...( Freaks and and starts to SWEAR and F this and F that and how her IBM typewriter is better...goes on for 5 minites )

Me-Ok this is awful! Lets work together to solve this problem. You and Me. ( still new, should of ended the call )

So you mean to tell me over the last 3 years yourself nor your roommates have used your pc here at work and work only at home? How do you do your job? ? ?

User-Well I don't have time right now to deal with this...*click*

Me-???

Morale of the tale.

1. Dont let a user swear at you and gain control of a service call.

2. As a user do not call and swear for 10 minites and then when offered service say you dont have time.

3. Do not work for a major university if you fear change or computers.

Personally I would bet my collection of 486 SX's that she had Mcafee (C) running and scanning at her boot...scanning her MBR and files, Thinking this was actually a virus. hahaha. This site rocks. Im making it my morning duty to send you stories. Use the Force (C)

Too much of a good thing?
Posted 07/01/2001 by PosiCat
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I have this friend, he's one of those Amiga die hards. Nothing wrong with that, I'm a PS/2 diehard. Anyways, he has a PC, that he built himself, as he's more then able to do such. It's a Linux machine. Duron 800 or something, top of the line graphics card that he paid way too much for, huge harddrive for his art archive. His other machines in the past have included Next boxes, other Amigas, Macs, PC's, and his hoard of obsolete game console systems.

Recently with the cost of ram dropping, he added 256mb to his 128mb machine (at this point in time he was paying around $75 for 256mb). And again the next week added another 256mb of ram, bringing his grand total to 640mb of ram.

Being a computer geek myself, I can understand wanting to have more than 128mb of ram in my system, but I was very curious as to why he would go so far. I could think of nothing he ran (He runs a lot of games, being a serious gamer and other than that mostly webbrowses, chats and downloads picture archives (Over a 56k I might add). He dosn't do any high end graphics, rendering, large databases, programming, anything memory intensive, it's his game machine, not much more)

So, being curious I ask him "What on earth do you do that could possibly use that much memory?"

HIM : "Under Linux I run Enlightenment, Netscape, some mp3 players, and that kind of thing"

Doing the mental calculations, Netscape = 16-32mb unless the cache is set to be HUGE, Enlightenment = 32mb at most, mp3 players, his X terminal, and picture viewer, couldn't take more than another 32mb. I guestimate that this would all fit quite nicely in 128mb of ram.

ME: "That can't possibly take more than 100-150mb of ram"

HIM: "If I run top" (A system process usage monitor, a linux task manager essentially) "it says that I have only 7mb of free ram"

ME: "That's because Linux will use any extra ram as a disk cache, right now you have over 550mb of disk cache"

He had no further comments, oddly enough.

I wonder how come he never noticed that no matter how much more ram he added, he always had around the same ammount of ram free.

Sewing Machine
Posted 07/01/2001 by Lori
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I had an elderly woman call me for internet support a few months back. All we were trying to do was R&R the dialer. I asked her to right click on the dialer for about 20 minutes trying all kinds of things. We just couldn't seem to get it to work. I asked her if the mouse was turned up-side-down, it was not. I finally asked her where is the mouse??? She says, its on the floor. I said well pick it up!! She had the computer for over a year and didn't know the mouse and pad layed on the desk. She looked at it like a sewing machine pedal. She had been using her feet and toes for a year. No wonder shes couldn't right click.

Moving files
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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All our users have access to a shared drive on the server, and they are encouraged to keep their working files on this drive for security and positive backups. One user went on vacation and while she was gone, we updated her machine with a brand new PC.

Upon her return she went to her server drive only to find her files missing. She found some files in folders belonging to others and could not account for it. Some files were lost forever. I attempted to explain to her that someone who had access to her files must have moved them to use while she was gone.

Another office worker piped in, yelling, "The files are gone and it's YOUR fault. I saw you taking her old machine out of here and you were tilting it around, it was YOU who spilled the files out of her folder into other folders!"

With logic like that, all I could do was apologize and walk out.

What did they Expect??
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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Real email I received from a customer:

It has come to me attention that there are web sites on (the internet) that teach how to make bombs, poisens, etc. How do I block these? My 17 year old does not make the smartest choises. He has been browsing these websites. He even made a molitoff coctail, but was talked into getting rid of it. This cannot be allowed to continue. This needs to be blocked. We need to know every single website that teaches/shows how to make these dangerous things, so they can be blocked. If it continues, even one more time, I will discontinue the service, instantly. Please tell me what I need to know, so this computer will be safe for teenagers. I know that lots of things happen

I think I told them to seek out a psychiatrist.

Superman
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I am a system administrator for a collections department automated dialer. People tend to come to me for all ends of technical questions, but this morning....! As I am monitoring my system (reading tech tales!) a young lady is trying to use the fax machine nearby. She asks me if the outgoing fax should be placed type up or down, not too terribly stupid of a question with all the diff. fax machines out there. I let her know to insert text up and go back to my reading. A moment later I heard the fax machine dial, and before it was done, it was giving a busy signal. I looked up and asaked if she had hit 9 first to get out of the building, she said no. Soooo, she tries again. a minute later, she asks the zinger....do you also have to dial one? I asked is the call long distance? The sheepish reply was yes. I let her figure the rest out on her own.

yet another clueless tech
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I was just on the phone with an AT&T @home cable modem tech named Jan.

me: I'm not getting a signal on my cable modem.

Jan: Okay, let's power cycle the modem. First unplug the power cord from the modem, then unplug the ethernet cable from the modem and from the back of the computer.

me: .... What? Why should I unplug the cable from the computer?

Jan: Well, the ethernet cable can hold settings.

me: (hysterical laughter) Can I talk to someone who has technical knowledge?

Famous Last Words
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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My Cow-orker was talking with The Unix SysAdmin - He mutes the phone, laughs and says "Famous Last Words for a SysAdmin - 'What the hell command did I just run?'" then points at the phone. I know he's not joking too; How funny is that?

Good thing it wasn't 'rm -fr /'.

Details...
Posted 07/01/2001 by MtlTechChick
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I've worked at a couple of ISPs by now and this is a funny one from a couple of days ago.

Me: "ISP, how can I help you?"

Client: "I'd like to set up my internet connection."

Me: "Great, are you in front of your computer."

Client : "Yes"

Me: "Okay, I'm going to need you to click on Start..."

Client: "Oh, did you want me to take the computer out of the box?"

Me: "Why don't you give us a call back when it's all set up sir?"

Sometimes it's all in the details.

what help?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Irish Chit
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The cable light on my modem went out. It went back on for 15 minutes, during which time I contacted the online support. They told me there were no problems. Ten minutes later, it went out again, for 6 hours.

I tried to call them on the phone. You input your phone number and a recording tells you if there is an outtage in the area. Then the recording hangs up on you. So I borrowed my parents' computer to contact online support again.

The following is the transcript

(parenthesis are side comments, not made during the chat)

T-Marsha W says, Is this for cable TV or internet?

You say, my service has been out since 4. I'd like to know when it will be restored

You say, internet

T-Marsha W says, let me check on that, one moment please

T-Marsha W says, Is this *****

You say, yes

T-Marsha W says, Have you power cycled your modem?

You say, yes

T-Marsha W says, OK, I'm not showing any outages, other than the email

T-Marsha W says, What are the lights on the modem doing?

You say, power and pc are fine

You say, cable is either bllinking slowly or is off

T-Marsha W says, And is your cable TV working?

You say, data is blinking every once in awhile

You say, I don't have cable tv

T-Marsha W says, OK, let me check a few things, just a moment

You say, ok

T-Marsha W says, *****, when you power cycled, exactly how did you do that?

You say, the same way I have done it every single time your cable goes out

You say, unplug everything turn off the power wait and plug it all back up

T-Marsha W says, OK

T-Marsha W says, Just making sure

T-Marsha W says, OK I just sent a signal to the modem, do you see anything?

You say, ty computer I'm on

You say, my cable is out

T-Marsha W says, Are you at home?

You say, no

You say, my cable is out

T-Marsha W says, OK, we really can't help you if you're not there to power cycle the modem, let me set you up with a service call

You say, how precisely do you expect me to be online with you on a computer that can't access the internet because the cable is out?

T-Marsha W says, Well, I've always had 2 dial up accounts in case one doesn't work (so basically she is telling me the ISP she works for is so sh**ty that I need another one)

You say, I don't have a phone

T-Marsha W says, do you want me to set up a service call?

You say, is there any point? (I asked this because the earliest I've ever been able to schedule a truck is 3 weeks, and that's after using the service for 6 months)

T-Marsha W says, Apparently not

T-Marsha W has left this session!

The session has ended!

I gave up and went home, during which the cable was on for another ten minutes, and off for four more hours. Apparently (this is my guess, mind you) when they fixed the email that had been out in my area, it caused the entire network to go down)

Cheeseburger
Posted 07/01/2001 by Aneirin
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I work for a small Cellular/Pager/Internet company in a small rural area, so naturally I get a lot of PEBCAK errors. Two of the best, however, come not from our customers, but from my boss who has been working here since the company opened, hence the title, and his nickname

First, one day while checking out a customer's computer (we do in-house internet tech support for free) I was working away happily when I heard him on the other side of the room mutter "What the #$&! is wrong with this? This monitor port is backwards." One of the other guys in the office took a look and saw he was trying to plug the monitor into the serial port. Kicker is, the monitor port was next to it.

Second tale involving cheeseburger is similar. This time, he went to check out a modem in a customer's computer on our workbench where the modem wasn't responding properly. Unfortunately, he failed to notice the four little lights next to the ethernet port when he plugged the phone cord into it. Nope, no modem physically installed either, however, windows reported a 300 baud modem running in perfect order...

Broken Monitor
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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A coustomer came in with a monitor that he claimed was broken. I took it in and connected it to a computer, started the computer up and looked at the monitor.

All i could se was a very faint picture of the normal windows desktop. So its broken right ?

Wrong ! the coustomer had somehow turned the contrast down to zero and then you couldnยดt see anything. All I had to do was turn the contrast up again and everything looked fine.

Ten-dot-zero-dot-huh??
Posted 07/01/2001 by Heather
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I work DSL tech support and the other day I had 3 customer's in a row that made me cry out of pity, here's how the last one went.

Me: "Okay let's type in P-I-N-G space 10.0.0.1"

C: "Hold on hold on!! P-I-N-G and then what?"

Me: "space"

C: "S-P-A..."

Me: "No! Use the space bar."

C: "OH! okay space"

Me: "now type 10.0.0.1"

C: "10.0.1?"

Me: "No, 10.0.0.1"

C: "Slow Down!"

Me: *grrr* "Sorry, TEN-DOT-ZERO-DOT-ZERO-DOT-ONE"

C: "Okay, P-I-N-G and a space then 10.0.10.1?"

Me: (AM I NOT SAYING IT RIGHT???)

We finally got it in right! But I about had a mental breakdown. 3 Calls in a row just like this!!

Love the site, it helps me vent :-รž

Good People
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work internal tech support/help desk. We have a lot of password changes because of company polices. I have the person open the control panel window and have them change the password step by step after every user has a copy of how to do it. She even had the sheet right in front of her, So she restarts and logs in. I hang up 10 secs later she call's back.

Her: "I can't use my program, it will not let me access it"

Me: "Please describe the screen."

Her: "It says control panal"

Me: "please click the X in the upper right corner"

Her: "Where is the X"

Me: "Can you please if a coworker is nearby"

Her: "yes stand right next to me"

Me: "please give them the phone"

Well they knew what I ment and handed the phone back to her

Her: "Thank you now I can do my work agian"

It was a shortcut on her desktop and she had never seen a window open she has been using a computer here for 3 1/2 years. God help the stupid people

Click on MY COMPUTER...
Posted 07/01/2001 by (the) Amethyst!
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I have worked ISP for almost two years...

My most memorable moment ever was asking a user to click on my computer and getting the response, "How the hell do you expect me to click on your computer?!!"

How the hell was this guy smart enough to purchase a computer is my question?

The I is an L
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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We have a remote mainframe that several people in our office access from here via the Internet. We have been having problems with one particular user not being able to get in. We tracked it down to the terminal ID that she had configured to access the mainframe. If we substituted someone else's ID, it worked fine. It would only abort with hers. So we emailed their support people and asked to make sure we had the correct Id. The email reply said, "I checked on the Terminal ID and it is Terminal ID AAA11I the last letter is a L". So the I(eye) is an L(el)? Or is the L and I?

Free Cable Internet
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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My brother-in-law is an installer for cable internet. At one of his normally routine house calls he is performing an install for a college student and all is well. That is until he notices that the cable line has been spliced and runs into the roommates bedroom.

When he follows the cable he discovers tha the shielding on a sectio of the cable had been removed and a telephone wire has been spliced to the cable. The roommate had decided to access the cable internet (for free of-course) by using his dial-up modem spliced to the TV cable.

Go figure.

I Love My Mom but...
Posted 07/01/2001 by DJ
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Here's two incidents.

1. My mum calls me into her room cause her computer is beeping.

One power cycle later it is beeping. I look around and notice the keyboard,

or in this case the pile of clothes on the keyboard. Figure out the rest.

2. My mum wants me to install a new game. I said fine.

During the game's start up it says **Cannot run in DOS**

I wondered why. I asked her what version of Windows my cousin had.

She said Win ME. MY mum has 3.1

Reset actually DOES something... wow!
Posted 07/01/2001 by SmartGamer
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Not really computers, but still tech... and it's the techies with the ID Ten T Error.

I work at the local Science Center, where we just finished renovating our Planetarium; everyone was being trained to work in the redone area. During my "immersion" training (walk around with a clipboard and think what visitors might ask), I saw six tech guys huddled around the "Cosmic Crank." The Cosmic Crank shows how big the universe is- turn the wheel once and you go one light-year; it shows on a bar-graph how far across the known fifteen-billion light-year universe you are. (The graph doesn't budge... that's the point of the exhibit. The numbers keep going up, but that's it...) There are also two counters- one for Total Turns, one for Your Turns. Every turn of the crank increases both numbers by one; a RESET button will reset the Your Turns number and not the Total number.

I went over to see what the Tech Squad was doing, and I heard them make comments like "why isn't the number changing...", "only the total's going up, not the yours...",

"the bar graph isn't moving..."

I came over, looked at the situation, and said only two things.

"One, the bar graph not moving is the whole point- you can turn as much as you want, but it's not much in a galactic sense."

I continued...

"Also, you're leaning on the RESET COUNTER button."

User Account
Posted 07/01/2001 by SkyHacker007
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We have an Intranet site. You NEED a user name and password in order to access the secure areas. Heres a user call i JUST took.

Me- Hi Helpdesk how can I help you?

User- Yes hello I have made a made a number of requests for an account on your system.

Me- Ok and you have filled in the on-line forms? You can send them in using the PC or through direct mail...

User- I was told that would take to long and I am here only on a contract. Is it possible to have one setup?

Me- Yes of course, but the process is to fillout the online form sir...

User *pissed*- Well I really need to access that area! Could you please put this in place by noon?

( note to users...If you really want to make your local helpdesk tech laugh make a request you should of made months ago, except wait exactly one hour before you need that resource. )

Me- The chances of that happening are very slim to none. However if you fillout the online form we can...

User- Grumble swear grumble....etc etc click.

____________________________________________________________

Point 1- Dont bitch cause I can't create you a Unix-NT-Windows-Novell account in less than an hour

Point 2- Never call a helpdesk with an time critical request that has to be done in the next hour. Its not gonna happen

Point 3- Find out what resources you need for a job before you complete 2/3 of your contract THEN bitch to the helpdesk, we have root baby and can erase all records of your even being born.

Peace!

SkyHacker007

Coffee Mate...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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This is one of the calls when answering phones. After getting the main information on the customer, and their computer.

ME: How can I help you this morning?

THEM: It seems that the box for my laptop was wrong...

ME: Knowing either that this was going to be a fun, or very bad call.... I asked the customer what they meant.

THEM: Well, I thought the box was coffee proof, and therefore the laptop too... I guess that my thinking was wrong....

ME: Oh no... what happened?

THEM: Well, my coworkers and I were enjoying our morning dose of Starbucks, and ummm somehow the coffee jumped from the cup, and onto my laptop... Now it won't work... Is there anything that I can do?

ME: Well for starters, I would definitely send the box back for a refund....:)

That got a laugh out of the customer, and then I told him that he would not be able to use the laptop for about a week while it is in for service at the laptop service location.

I just loved the description he had given me...

You surf how?
Posted 07/01/2001 by SkyHacker007
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I do helpdesk and techsupport for a big university in Canada...eh. Once again I love my users but DAMM sometimes they need to stop drop and roll.

User-I seem to have problems logging in from home.

Me- Ok lets look at your settings....

( Insert tech stuff here )

Me- Looks ok, when did this all start?

User- Just today...It has failed 3 times.

Me- Interesting...you are aware we only have 8 modems?

User- Oh yes but ive never had issues like this before.

Me- Do you have a ISP? Maybe you can have better luck through them...as we only have 8 modems.

User- I dont have a ISP, I do all my email and surfing through the university.

Me- You surf through a remote connection using our servers on our T3 line using one of out 8 modems?

User- Yes. ( straight faced )

Me- well may i suggest...

____________________________________________________________

Point 1- Dont dial into a remote location ( Non-ISP ) for email and surfing and expect 100% connection

up time

Point 2- if you make a professors wage, get a freaking internet account! even AOL! OMG did I say that?

Point 3- 8 modems! count them 8! not 7 or 6 8!

SkyHacker007

What is this round thingie?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Cate and Missy
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This lady calls in wanting me to help her with microphone installation. I help her install the microphone (she kept wanting to plug it into all the wrong holes). Finally we got it hooked up properly and this is our our conversation went:

Stupid as hell **L mbr: ok, now what do i do with this round thingie?

Best Tech Chick ever: Ummm, what round thingie?

Stupid as hell **L mbr: I don't know, it's shiny.

Best Tech Chick ever: Is it a disc ma'am?

Stupid as hell **L mbr: yeah, I think so.

Best Tech Chick ever: Ma'am, did you have someone install your computer for you? Have you never seen a disc before?

Stupid as hell **L mbr: i don't know what these disc thingies are for.

Best Tech Chick ever: I suggest you call whoever set up your computer for you to come set this up for you.

Some people have to be hand fed, I don't get paid enough to hand feed people.

Two TV Tales
Posted 07/01/2001 by SilvorMoon
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Back again, with more tales from my redoubtable dad. Story number one is a case for the idiot files...

Before Dad got into the computer business, he worked installing satalite dishes. One time, one of his friends was trying to put one up, and simply could not get the thing to work, so he went to my dad to complain. Dad took a look and informed him that the dish was pointing the wrong direction.

"No, it's not," his friend replies. "It says right here, the dish should be pointed this way if you're in the southern hemisphere!"

"We're not in the southern hemisphere," Dad replied.

"Yes we are!" his friend answered. "We're in VIRGINIA, and Virginia is in the SOUTH!"

And one from the just plain strange files...

A woman called my dad saying, "Every time I open my front door, my TV turns green!" Well, Dad had to see that for himself, so he made a house call. Sure enough, as soon as she opened the front door, the TV screen turned as green as could be. When she shut it, the picture went back to normal.

The solution? The front door was made of steel, and just outside the door was a tree. The tree had recently been struck by lightning, and the resulting charge had magnetized the door. A few swipes with a demagnetizing ring set the door right, and the TV went back to the correct colors.

What's in a name?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Alix
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I support several types of hand scanners. An error in our

documentation refers to "filename.exe" when what the customer actually needs

for this specific model is "filename.bin". So customer calls, and

I find scanner is hosed because she followed our (wrong) instructions

and loaded filename.exe. I explained that was the wrong program,

apologized for our error, and told her I'd email her the correct

program. That's when I lost her -- she told me she'd simply rename

the file she had and save me the trouble of emailing it. I spent

about five minutes attempting to explain that the name was irrelevant

because the FILES were two different programs, but she couldn't get it. I

got to the point where I was going to use a cake analogy -- "If you order

a chocolate cake but the bakery delivers white, do they need to send

you a chocolate cake or just relabel the box the white cake is in?" -- but

I feared either she'd FINALLY get it and be insulted, or she STILL wouldn't

get it and we'd be even more stuck. Finally I told her I thought her program

was corrupted and asked her to delete it so I could send a fresh copy.

Does it have to be on?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Alix
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I support several types of hand scanners. One customer just called with a failure

uploading from scanner to PC. His question: "Does the scanner have to be turned on

to upload from it?" I considered several possible answers:

Does your VCR have to be on to tape a program? Does your car have to be on to drive somewhere?

Does your cell phone need to be on to receive a call? But I finally decided

my safest course of action was a simple email response that yes, the

scanner must be turned on to upload data.

The problem with end users: when placed in front of an object with an electronic brain, they turn off their own.

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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Tech: Thank you for calling ISP tech support.

User: I can't get it to work.

Tech: You're having trouble connecting to the Internet?

User: The screen is just blank. I hit the power button and nothing happens. I don't have a cord connecting it to the wall. Does that matter?

I need to schedule a rotation...
Posted 07/01/2001 by (the) Amethyst!
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During the course of work for my old ISP, I got several calls like this...

M = ME

C = CUSTOMER(?)

() = My thoughts on what the customer has to say...

M: Thank you for calling (bs customer service speil) how may I help you?

C: I need to schedule a rotation for next wednesday, what time can you see me?

M: (?WTF?!!!) A rotation sir? What exactly are you calling to schedule?

C: (Getting angry) What do you mean what am I calling about? I want my $%*#! tires rotated, why does everyone have to make everything so complicated!!!

M: Sir, this is XXXXXX Communications, we are an ISP providing internet service for the state of XC.

C: When can you rotate my tires then?!

M: Sir who are you calling for?

C: This isn't the Saturn dealership???

M: No sir.

C: OK, sorry.

-----------------------------------------------------

Why don't people listen to the introduction spiel? Do they honestly think what you have to say isn't important? BTW, the ISP Help Desk number was like one off of the Saturn dealership's number somehow so once a week WITHOUT FAIL, some idiot calls up and asks for an oil change, brake work, tire rotation, etc. to be done.

Lusers exist everywhere I suppose...=P

(the) Amethyst!

Come again?
Posted 07/01/2001 by pamina
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I work for a company that developes & supports business management software as the receptionist. One client once called and asked for our phone number. Hmmm. Another client called with the following problem:

Me: Good morning, company x.

Client: Hi, this is Client X, we just bought a new terminal & it's not working.

Me: Did you purchase it from us? Did you need help setting it up?

Client: No, we bought it from major chain x yesturday when our other link terminal died. Today I hooked it up, but it's not working.

Me: From major chain x? I didn't realize that they sold links. I'll have someone from hardware give you a call & help you out.

Later at lunch all the guys in hardware were laughing over the client who tried to replace a link terminal with a monitor.

Its 3 am and do you know what your computer is DOING??
Posted 07/01/2001 by Night-tech
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True story.

During my time as a 24/7 Internet tech support agent I had pulled a run of graveyard shifts. This didn't bother me as MOST people SLEEP from 1 am till 7 am (easy shift). Since we supported a large I.S.P. in Canada we had all kinds of people calling us.

Some smart and some well.. we won't go there now.

Anyhow one night about 3 am I get a call and for some reason I get the feeling. You know the feeling I mean.. The one of impending doom!!! So I answer the phone using the standard "Thank you for calling .. blah blah". When I am done the caller on the phone replies (in a slow and shameful voice) "I HAVE BEEN A BAAAAAADDDD GIRL!". By this time I am looking skyward wondering what I did to deserve this.

ME:

what seems to be the problem?

now frantic voiced lady:

I have had an affair on the internet. I met him in a chatroom on this website.

ME: (still wondering why she is calling)

OK.. What can I do to help? Are you having a problem with your connection?

frantic voiced lady:

NO!! I THINK MY HUSBAND KNOWS!! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIGE!! PLEASE!!

ME:(head firmly between both hands)

Well Ma'am we dont support that here.

I managed to calm her by deleting her temp internet files.

What else was I to do?

What to do now?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work at an installation service desk for adsl.

EU -Hi, I'm installing this green usb modem thingie of yours, and it asks "please insert the windows 98 second edition cd-rom", what do I have to do now???

ME -Insert the disk?

EU -Oh, ok, thanks.

ME -No problem, just gives us a call if you run into another problem!

This is a 0,5 dollar a min service-number !!!

redtech
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I have been doing phone support for a company on their commercial desktop side and with that should only be dealing with other techs. But one day

Tech: How can I help you?

Customer: I can't tell if my computer is booting up.

Tech: Ok, are you getting anything on the screen?

Customer: No... I don't have a monitor.. yet

Tech: Ok... "thinking he maybe wanting to use this as a server" do you have one to put on it.

Customer: No I don't.

Tech: Ok... are you hearing the post beeps?

Customer: yes.. but I am not sure if it is really booting.

Tech: Well... if you would like to see if it is powering on, you can hold down a key on your keyboard and want to the unit to get a lot of beeps.

Customer: I don't have a keyboard.

Tech: You don't have a keyboard and you don't have a monitor? Have you ever had a monitor or a keyboard on this unit before?

Customer: No, I just bought this and wanted to know if it works.

Tech: You will need a monitor and a keyboard at least to check it.

Customer: What?....You mean I have to go out and buy more stuff?

Tech: Yes Sir... Or you can take the computer back and return it where you got it.

We can only hope.

Another time:

A nice young lady called in and said her unit would not boot and she thinks the unit had some hardware that was bad.

Tech: Ok, are you at the system?

Customer: Yes.

Tech: Ok, go ahead and boot up.

Customer: Ok... done

Tech: what do you see on the screen?

Customer: Nothing.

Tech: What color is the LED on the front of the screen?

Customer: Amber

Tech: Ok... did you hear any beeps?

Customer: No...COUGH.. COUGH.. Sorry... this smoke is killing me.

Tech: Smoke?

Customer: Yeah.. the smoke that is coming out of the back if the computer.

Tech: TURN IT OFF!

Customer: Ok.. do you think it is hardware too?

Tech: I think that is safe to say.

Counting
Posted 07/01/2001 by Crowmark
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I was sitting at my desk this morning, cleaning up our database (thanks to the recent National Change of Address updates we had some 300+ duplicate constituents, and I'm the only one in the office today who knows procedure well enough to clean that up) when the phone rang at 11:45. Co-worker on the other side of the office. "Hey! Can you help- oh wait - Call you back."

*grumble* Not words I wanna hear 15 min. before lunchtime. Still, the DB needs fixing, so I figure I'll keep going with that and take lunch at 12:30 or something.

12:15 the phone rings again. "Help! The new computer in (department) is acting all weird. I thought at first it was dead or something, but it turned out just to not be turned on." Okay, that's something... "Now it's telling me I can't log on and my credentials are wrong and it's just like the problem we had this morning!" At first I think the user's logged into too many stations (i.e., more than one) but a check of her permissions shows her to be OK for up to 10 stations at once. (I don't like this much, but she deals with a lot of volunteers and seems to think it's better to log them all in as her instead of as multiple instances of 'volunteer', for some reason.) "Can you come over here and help us?"

So I get up and go have a look. "See! See, there's the problem." The login is a NetWare login - standard login on the machines in this office - and the error message is the one you get with the wrong password. Context is OK, tree is ok, etc. This user changed her PW last week, so I start to think it's just looking for her old pw or something, when I realise:

1. User's PW has seven characters in it now.

2. User's old PW had 7 or 8 characters in it.

3. There are five stars - five, not seven, not eight, not even six - in the PW box.

When the user's back is turned to ask someone else a question I type in her new password and it logs in smoothly. She then turns around, stares, and asks what was wrong with the machine.

"You typed in the wrong password."

"No I didn't, I typed in the same password as to log onto my machine this morning."

"Well, there were five characters in the box where you typed your password."

She blinked at me several times, looked down at her fingers, looked up again, and said, "I don't understand how that could've happened. Stupid keyboard..."

The only thing broken about the keyboard is one of the little legs snapped and had to be taped into place. The user started ranting about the keyboard and how weird it was as I walked away. As long as it's working *now*, I don't care. I'll get her a new keyboard if it'll keep her quiet, but one would think you'd notice being two letters short on your password.

TechnoVampire
Posted 07/01/2001 by TechnoVampire
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I work phone tech support for a large computer company. I just had a customer call in saying the cdrom wasn't playing cd's. (CDR101 error) When I asked when this started, she told me it had been doing this for 8 months. She then told me that she hadn't called in before now because she thought she was buying the wrong type of disks. She only figured out that there might be a problem when her mother sent her a disk and told her that it would work.

I arranged to send out a replacement drive, but had a devil of a time explaining that a cdrom drive wasn't a cd, and that it wasn't the tower case, either.

Help Desk Analyst
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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This really happened at an ISP in Melbourne,Australia.

Techi: " Hello Help Desk "

User: " Umh Yes, i have bought your Internet product today from the loca PC shop

and i am unsure of how to go about setting it up, it does not work"

Techi: " O.K, have you previously used the Internet"

User: " well, No, i have never used it before,

i am trying to set up my computer for the very 1st. time"

Techi: " O.K has the Disk auto loaded onto the Monitor"

User: " the disk, what disk"

Techi: " The CD ROM inside the packaging which you have purchased"

User: "where do i put the CD ROM"

Techi: "you need to insert the CD into the PC"

User: "into the PC, how do i do that"

Techi: "do you see a rectangular box on the front of your computer,

with a button just below the right hand side"

User: "yes i do"

Techi: "push the button"

User: "O.K, then what do i do"

Techi: "now place the CD ROM with the shiny side facing down into,

the rectangular box thing on the front of your computer"

Can't login...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Damiris
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I've just been the trainer of a workshop for a new application our company sold to our customer. This application uses the same username and password as the WinNT domain the users login to EVERY MORNING, five days per week.

And when I told this old lady (the customer decided to make her one of the administators!!! of our application) to login like she does every morning, she just typed her name and clicked OK. Naturally, this login didn't succeed.

Taking a look into the user manager, I told her that her username is Name_FirstName. She insisted that she logs in every morning with just her name. Yeah, right.

On the second attempt, she entered her correct username - but no password AGAIN!

Of course, I politely informed her that she has to enter her password - and she does... WITHOUT a username. DUH!

It took her (and me) four attempts to get her logged in. Fortunately, I'm usually calm and managed to maintain a friendly face although I wanted to put a new opening in her monitor with her head - because I just couldn't think of anything else it might be good for.

Do your little business!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work for an internal Help Desk, so I don't get as many strange calls as you ISP folks, but here's one that had us all rolling:

Caller had a "little old lady" voice, and this is verbatim from what she said to me.

"The computer was wiggling, so I pushed in the cord"

(Huh?)

"The screen went blank. I put in my magic numbers, and it did it's little business"

(Huh x 2?)

"Now I get this messageโ€ฆ."

The error was unrelated to the colorful background info, but it sure made for a laugh!

He who knows all, still get's caught out
Posted 07/01/2001 by Phazedout
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Hi, love the site, get's me through those long, boring days in the office, anyway, here's my tale.

Myself and afriend were installing anew 40gig hard disk in one of my machines, some intial problems (machine didn't see it, but one quick BIOS upgrade later, and all was well).

However, by the time we got the BIOS upgrade done and the disk in, it was 8pm and we were a little worse for wear (a few cans of Cider in us and so on). Installed Window$ and re-assembled the machine.

We rebooted the machine, and, following the POST, were greeted with a wierd beeping noise (yes I KNOW what your all thinking, but remeber the alchahol consumed).

now I've been in 'the industry' 10 years, my friend about 13, so we feel we know what's going on, so we re-opned the machine and began yanking out cards (netwrok, DVD encore, TV card etc.

After about 1/2 an hour (and 35 or so restarts, I decided to check the AGP video card by installing and playing a game. I pulled the keyboard shelf out from underneath the desk, looked at the keyboard and....

.

.

THE 'J' WAS STUCK DOWN!!!

agh,

just goes to show, no mater how long you've been at this game, you could still get caught out by the simplest thing.

Phazedout and Fiasco

And they let this man *teach*?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Crowmark
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I'm in the process of getting a master's degree in MIS, but my original career plans had veered away from computers early in college. (Pacino was right. They just keep sucking you right back in.) Anyway, this sad detour meant that I had to take a few courses at a local county college before I could realistically apply to the MIS program at a state university, so I signed up for the required ones. Figured I'd take a course in Visual Basic programming just to keep in practice during summer, too. There were two sections, w/two different profs, and one was already full. I got into the other. I should have known then...

Count the number of Bad Omens.

The professor told us there was no required textbook for the course (Bad Omen 1). There was a suggested textbook but 'Visual Basic changes so often that the textbook is really only a guide'. We would be trying to get to midway through the suggested book by semester's end (Bad Omen 2). We would NOT be using the book in class, but sheafs of papers handed out by the prof instead. Instructions, perhaps? Class notes?

No... screen shots. That's right. Page after page of screen shots. (Bad Omen 3) Not of VB code, but of already-designed boxes. 9/10 of the boxes were the same thing, with a few typed suggestions for how to achieve different results - or the same results via different means.

We were then told to work through these notes up to page 4 (or 6, or whatever). Was there a lecture? No. (Bad Omen 4) Just 'use the notes'. For the rest of the class period, the prof puttered around the classroom, waiting for people to ask him questions. He didn't give much advice, either. Just corrected errors. But not helpfully, oh no; it was more along the lines of 'no no no you should be using the yellow, see, here is the yellow, do that now, yes'. (Bad Omen 5)

Two class periods later I heard the students from the other section discussing *their* assignments. Apparently they were already halfway through the bloody textbook, and THEY were using actual code instead of 'here is the yellow'! They were being given assignments like 'design the visual interface for a calculator program, so as to use it with the code we will be designing next week'. Us? We were drawing yellow boxes with OK buttons written in red text. I had no idea what half the things were that they were talking about.

I tried talking to the professor about this in the next class. He didn't seem to know what he was being criticized for and suggested that I read the book ahead of class. I brought up the fact that LECTURES are kind of a reassuring thing, and that new collections of screen shots were useless (he handed them out before each class). Somewhat defensively he claimed it was his first class here and he did not know very much about teaching at this level but that if I would just make some suggestions...

I snapped. I screamed at him in front of the entire classroom, telling him that I wasn't paying $400 for the semester to have *him* work out his flaws in a class that other people *already teaching at the school* obviously knew how to teach well, that I wanted real notes and real lectures and real assignments, not this stupid 'drawing the box according to the photocopy' stuff, that I wanted a textbook I could actually READ, etc. I don't remember how long I went on with it but ultimately I stalked out.

The department head asked to see me at the next class meeting. I wound up having to write a letter of apology to the professor, with a copy going to the department head. But... since I had already paid for class, and we were past the point of dropping classes, and five other people had already transferred out of this man's class for reasons they refused to specify... I got switched into the competent teacher's class.

A small price to pay, I think. County schools can be excellent sources of computer education - but only if you get the right professors. They *are* out there.

Emergency Mice
Posted 07/01/2001 by Rachelle
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Working for a national helpdesk in which many of our clients are completely computer illiterate, my coworkers and I always get good laughs. One day, I received a call from a person who wanted to change her homepage and she didn't know how.

Me: Ok, the first step is to (spoken very slowly and carefully) right click on the Internet Explorer icon.

Dimwit: On the what?

Me: (said even slower) The Internet Explorer icon. It's the one that looks like a blue E.

Dimwit: Oh, ok. (I can hear clicking noises from the other end) Well, it's not doin' nothin'.

Me: Ok, what happened when you tried to right click on it?

Dimwit: Well, it turned blue. (So it did do something)

Me: Are you sure that you using your right mouse button to click on it?

Dimwit: (know-it-all voice) Well, maaaaa'am, I only have one mouse!

Me: (stifling laughs) Yes, but there are two buttons on it. I need you to click once with the one on the right.

Dimwit: Oh. I didn't know you could use that side.

What did she think? The right side of the mouse was for emergencies only? Jeesh!

Fax machine calls Cleo
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I provide technical support for Canon and heard the most outrageous story from a fellow co-worker. A customer who owns one of our multipass machines (fax,scanner,printer,copier) called because she received a telephone bill that shows calls were made to a psychic line and she claims the fax machine has doing it. She better ask her husband or kids if THEY'VE been calling Cleo!!!

The Miraculous Inkless Scanner/Printer
Posted 07/01/2001 by CoffeeWoman
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Every so often, you get one of those calls that just *beg* to be put on speakerphone so that the whole department can enjoy. Here is one such call:

One Saturday morning, a woman called the ISP support line I work for and was extremely upset. She insisted that the software we send out to new customers had broken her printer. (a side note: we do not have any proprietary software - the CD we send out is simply a bundle of MS, Netscape and FTP software utilities so that they can use their internet connection)

The woman claimed that until she loaded the CD we sent her, she was able to print, but now when she pressed print, it wouldn't work. Trying to solve the problem, the tech walked her through checking the drivers, the ports, etc. Everything seemed fine. Finally, he asked her to make sure that there was paper in the tray (you never know).

She became indignant. "Of course! I hold the paper to make it print!"

Uh-oh. The tech asked her to explain *exactly* how she was printing before it "stopped working." Her explanation had us in tears:

"Well, I hold a blank piece of paper up to the screen, press the 'print screen' button and it prints to the paper. And I know it's not working 'cause there nothing on the paper! I want you to send me a new printer!"

Tech: (incredibly not laughing) You mean you hold the printer up to the screen?

Lady: Yes!

Tech: And this always worked before?

Lady: I told you yes! You broke it! Now send me a new one!

Needless to say, she wasn't happy when the tech explained to her what a printer was and how it worked. She ended up slamming the phone down on him.

dashboard or keyboard?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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>From the end of a very long call...

Me: Now hit enter.

User: Is that on the screen or on the dashboard?

virus
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work technical support for an ISP. Note: this customer did not have antivirus software.

"My email address has a virus. Can you please get the virus off my account? Otherwise I'm going to have to change my email address just to get rid of it."

Sure, let me wave my magic wand and...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Threnody
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We have an absent minded faculty member who leaves her door unlocked constantly. She finally left it unlocked over a weekend, and someone came in and stole the Computer, the 19" monitor, the keyboard, mouse, and even mouse pad. (They left the new laser printer though...I suppose it was too much to carry.)

We did the police report shuffle, and she refused to admit she left the door unlocked (Sure. that's why there was no sign of forced entry.) Finally when the cop left, she says:

"I saved all of my research on the hard drive. Is there any way to get it back?"

Grrrr....
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work for a large internet provider. I am one of the better techs in my office even this did not prepare me for this customer. My department specializes in cable modems, I got this call on Sat. morning:

Cust: I cann get online.

Me: What seems to be the problem sir?

Cust: I nee to reinstall the modem.

Me: Well let me see what I can do for you sir.

No I am not misspelling anything this is the way he was talking. Come to find out he had been in the hospital all night, after going out to the bar and having a few beers( he claimed 6). Then the hospital perscribed Morphine for him.

Me: Right click on your my computer icon please and go to properities.

Cust: Stand by..... !@#$%^ firewall

Me: Then...

Cust: Stand by... Just be patient @#$%%^....

Me: Did you right click on your MY COMPUTER icon?

Cust: Stand by.... @#$%^& Ok. I see Background, Screen Saver.....

Me: Sir, did you right click over the icon that says My Computer?

Cust: No... !@#$$% Gd.. F!@#$$ computers

Me: Can you do that please sir, over the My Computer icon?

Cust: Stand by.

About 5 minutes into this I realized that this was going to be a really tough call. I finally got his drivers installed, got his modem configured, and was ready to attempt to get him online. I figured my call was just about ready for the rap up, unfortunatly I over estimated this customers abaility to follow directions.

Me: Ok sir can you double click on the Internet Explorer icon please?

Cust: Stand by... Oh yea ok.. @#$$%%^%^#$

Me: Ok sir what do you see in front of you?

Cust: I don't know... I am not a @#$%^%# tech.

Me: (Putting phone on mute and banging head on desk, accomplishing more doing that than talking to the customer) Ok what does the screen say in front of you?

Cust: Stand by. It says McAffee Shield.

Me: Can you close that out please?

Cust: Stand by..

Me: Sir?

Cust: Stand by please. Ok I closed it..

After 45 minutes on the phone with this guy he offered to pay for a room for me and a girl friend to go to where he lives. He would buy me a night in a hotel and dinner for two. I just wanted him off my phone so I did everything I could possibly do for him which took me another 15 minutes and then set someone to go out to his house to get him online. My usual talk time for this type of call is less than 15 minutes, usually around 6. This, unfortunatly, was a "special" circumstance.

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I've recently moved from customer service to the faults centre for the telco/cable company that I work for. Yes, you get the screamers in customer service, but the faults callers are generally just not all there. I was still in training and was listening in to some calls back on the floor one night when the guy I was with got this gem:

(T=Tech, C=Caller)

C: Whenever I receive a call I get a bleeping noise on my line.

T: OK, let's just take a look at that for you now then. What's your account number?

C: 143212513254

T: OK then Mr Fnairsborough, which of your four phone lines are you reporting this on?

C: I've got four phone lines? I thought I'd only got three.

[This is the point where it started sliding downhill]

T: How many phones do you have plugged in on this line, sir?

C: Well this phone isn't plugged into the line, it's just plugged into a power socket.

T: Is that a cordless phone, sir?

[At this point, wife grabs phone of caller]

W: Hello?

T: Hello madam.

W: Just tell me something. Do you think that beeping is a low battery in this phone?

T: That's what I was just about to suggest, yes.

W: I *told* him that, but he didn't believe me, and he insisted on calling you! Thanks a lot for your time, I'll just go and tell him that now.

Some people don't deserve *one* phoneline, let along three.

Read only = Only read.... doesn't it?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Xerxes
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I was sitting in my office one day when I got a phone call from one of our (l)users...

Her: I've been adding records to this database all morning, and I put one in by accident that I'd already inputted this morning, and it went in okay!

Me: What's the problem then?

Her: It should say that the record already exists and bring me to another form! I need you to come down now and find out where my records went!

The main office is just round the corner, so I took a walk over there to see what the problem was. I came into the office and she was in a complete panic about having spent all morning putting in records that didn't add properly. I asked her to show me what she was doing when she added a record. She put the details into the database, and clicked "Add Record" (Okay so far...) A dialog box popped up:

"Error: Database or object is read-only"

She clicked End (instead of debug), and (obviously) it brought her back to the (now blank) input form. She then put that document aside and began to add in the next record(!)

Sigh...

Our dumb coworker
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work for a large religous organization. We have (had) a female tech who knows nothing about computers (were not real sure how she got the job). anyway, one day we send her to a location to install a NIC. she calls back about 2 hours later complaining that the pc will not boot. We can only guess what she did. Finally we tell her to bring the computer in and we would look at it. Once we finally get everthing connected, sure enough, it won't boot up. We come to find out that the entire windows directory is GONE. We ask her what she did, (to this day, I don't think she knows). she said "while i was trying to connect to the MAINFRAME?? (we dont use mainframes, were not real sure where she got that either) that the "network interconnect configurator" (her meaning of the NIC) "just stopped connecting"....We all had to leave the room to keep from laughing in her face. Needless to say, she has been promoted to a secretary. By the way, during this entire episode, she treated us like we did something wrong, not her.

takes all kinds

Dot
Posted 07/01/2001 by Beth Trinh
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Okay so I got this caller who says, "I can't log in...I've been trying

for a week...something's wrong with my computer!"

So I verify his username with him, and he says,

"I've already typed that!" I say, "please check your

Caps Lock key." Groaning he says, "it's off!" I say,

"Okay, let's verify how you are typing

your username: lastname.staff.." "That's what

I've been typing", snaps user! (Meanwhile, I reset his

password and log in as user to test his username.)

So this time I spell out his username:

l-a-s-t-n-a-m-e.s-t-a-f-f. (By the way, I say "dot"

everytime there is a period). User says, "Dot...?"

I say yes, "Dot" like the period.

He says oh, I've been typing "lastnamedotstaffdot"!

"Oh...I see", I smiled.

"I can't connect"
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I've been working for an large ISP in the UK for about 3 months. When I started the job I had little technical knowledge. I knew how to use PC's and could just about fix my own...but nothing could have prepared me for my first week.

I'd spent most of the first week being told over and over again "I can't connect". When asking for some sort of error message the customer can never remember it, when you ask the customer to talk through how they connect (to try to get some clues) they say in a really pissed off voice "I tried to connect the same way I always do."

Anyway, at the end of my first week I had a foreign lady call saying that she could not connect. I was trying all the basics and she kept on saying "I cannot do zat because I cannot connect". Everything I tried I got the same response. The conversation continued for just over 30mins when getting really pissed off I asked the customer to describe exactly what she saw on the screen.

And she saw...A black screen with a falshing white 'thing' on it.

Doh!

------------------------------------------

And I suppose this one is quite cruel but here goes...

I had a telephone call last week from a man who couldn't remember his postcode, username, email addy etc...eventually he passed me over to a lady who explained that she worked in a home for children with learning difficulties and apologised for her 'little helper'. Anyway she was telling me that she had error 691 and I asked her what username and password she was typing in. She excused herself and locked herself in the cupboard (? - it will become aparent) ...and explained that the password she was using was 'mong'. Needless to say this wasn't the password she should have been using. When I left the lady it was clear that one of her 'helpers' had overheard the password and locked her in the cupboard.

Funny way to page number
Posted 07/01/2001 by Lucas Evart
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I support a word processing program and at times I get some odd requests. This one was perhaps the most shocking I had heard in a long time. Though the quotes are not verbatim since this was several months ago I am not exaggerating the least bit of this.

Me: What exactly are you trying to do now?

Customer: Well, I have this document I'm working on and I couldn't figure out how to number the pages.

Me: Okay, that's fairly simple. How did you go about numbering them? (at this point I am thinking numbers in the footer perhaps?)

Customer: I made a seperate page for each document.

Me: Alright then, you want to make your pages into one document now then?

Customer: Yes

Me: How many pages are there in your document?

Customer: 312

Me: You saved each one of your three hundred pages seperately? This must be a . . .

Customer: A novel.

Me: I see.

Customer: Isn't there some way to automatically put them together?

Basically the erst was me explaining to him that this program does not support stupid things like that, and that he would have to copy and paste 312 seperate pages together on his 5 year old computer waiting 5-6 seconds going between documents. At that speed it would take about 3 solid hours to copy and paste all that together. At least he didn't want to keep me on the line!!

sent emails
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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So I get this call from a (l)user who tells me that whenever he prints a copy of one of his sent emails it never comes up with the date and time of sending on the paper.

As he is quite important I decide to have a look straight away. I check all of his settings, thinking that he must have disabled something, but no, everything is in order.

I then ask him to show me what he does.

He opens a new message, puts in the recipient, types in a message and then presses the print button.

I then explain to him that you have to actually send the message so that the system knows when it has been sent.

university woes
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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ok, there may be one above this, as i hit enter instead of tab... oh, i'm still learning...

but, i provide over-the-phone tech support for a university. mostly we get faculty, staff, and students, and many of these are NOT familiar with computers.

i was walking a nice lady through setting up her netscape to read the university email. i kept on telling her what she should be seeing, and then what to enter where. at the end of the call, i wished her good luck and told her to guve us a buzz if she ever had any troubles. as she thanked me profusely, she asked how did i know exactly what would come up on the screen? did we have cameras in the offices so we could watch over their shoulders?

another one is something we get all the time. many people (me, too) simply telnet in to read email with Pine, a unix mail reader. students call in all the time to let us know our 'servers are down', they get an error message upon trying to connect.

to fix it, 99x out of 100, we mention the whole 'you gotta be connected to the internet' to connect to the server to read your email. imagine that. silly users.

i'm invincible...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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i work for a university, providing tech support within a specific college as well. seeing as how it's engineering and applied science, you'd think these people would be a little more intelligent. no such luck.

one client kept on emailing our tech support that someone in his dept (he felt it was the 'secretaries') had this virus. i responded to him to install the latest engines and dats and versions on all the machines, and to perform a full system scan. all that good stuff, and i thought it was fixed. two weeks later, the same client emails not only the support within the college, but also the university-wide tech support. the virus is persisting. this time, after many false emails and full outlook express headers (i wanted the headers in unix), it's one of two situations. either the client sent himself the message from outlook to his unix mail (sending it to himself) and then provided me with those headers, OR *he* was the originator of the virus.

needless to say, he hadn't updated his own box, thinking that *he* would never have done something like that!

--it was the snow white deal - gotta love that screensaver!

Worst story opening line
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I got this from http://www.locusmag.com in the news section.

I am NOT the author. This is a quoted story. Harold

---

Winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest

, named after the author

who penned the immortal words "It was a dark and stormy night"

as the opening to his 1830 novel Paul Clifford, given each year by

San Jose State University in California to the worst possible

opening sentences in lots of categories, have been announced,

and include this winner in the science fiction category from Mike

Rottmann of Reno, NV:

Kirk's mind raced as he quickly assessed his situation:

the shields were down, the warp drive and impulse

engines were dead, life support was failing fast, and

the Enterprise was plummeting out of control toward

the surface of Epsilon VI and, as Scotty and Spock

searched frantically through the manuals trying to find

a way to save them all, Kirk vowed, as he stared at

the solid blue image filling the main view screen, that

never again would he allow a Microsoft operating

system to control his ship.

More information about the writing contest -

http://www.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2001.htm

โ€” 2001 Results July 9, 2001

Poor Baby
Posted 07/01/2001 by iceberg_slim
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I was a tech at a fairly large and cool isp that got eaten by a corporate monster,but now elswere.

I had a guy once went like this

guy was trying to get pictures on ebay to sell his useless junk

told him that he can use his personal web space blah blah

guy was complaining about his computer not working well and that it was troublesome

gave him that pep talk about everyting he can do

he gets all co-op ready and gets lead into ws_ftp

heres where it gets ugly

For whatever reason (correct versions and all) this guy could not drag something from the left side of the screen to the right side of the screen.

guy was moaning about the whole thing and saying he will never sell anything on ebay

all of the sudded the guys voice starts to get shaky like he's crying, now I have a grown user crying on my phone

told him that that I could take him thru downloading cuteftp and trying that

his response was (crying)"I dont know how to download"

click

Daily Server Crash
Posted 07/01/2001 by Reagan O'Connor
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I work for a recruitment advertising company based in Cleveland, Ohio, with 42 offices across the US and Canada.

Several years ago, we started receiving daily calls from our Phoenix office; every morning, their network was down and their transaction files had not come over to home office for processing.

We agonized over this for weeks; we walked through the network setup with the office manager; we dispatched local technicians to troubleshoot the hardware setup; we manually dialed out to their server at odd times to confirm that it was running properly, to no avail. Every day, the server had rebooted, the network was down, and we hadn't received their files.

Finally, one morning, the manager went into the server room to reset the equipment yet again, when she noticed that the server was not powering up. She called us, and as we walked through the configuration, we found out that the server was unplugged fom the wall outlet (this was before we started implementing UPS units).

Turns out that the cleaning company had hired a new person a few months before. She had been unplugging the server every night in order to plug in her vaccuum cleaner, and then replugging it when she finished. It just so happened that one night she neglected to plug the server back in after finishing her vaccuuming.

Our Phoenix manager had a chat with the cleaning crew supervisor, who reported back that the cleaner adamantly denied unplugging the equipment.

But, the communication and server reset problems in Phoenix stopped immediately!

Kill 'em all!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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This isn't mine, but a co-worker.

I laughed, hard, when he told me...

... about the woman using Outlook Express, who was complaining that she wasn't getting any of her mail.

Sent some to her box, checked it, it was there. She did a send/receive, and it disappeared from the server.

So, assuming she got it... no! Finally found out why -

- a filter rule set to *delete* all mail from the server, whenever it came in. Why was it there? Of course the customer professes innocence...

Clueless I've seen. Maliciously disfiguring your own settings? Almost a new one...

porn and more porn...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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ok, i've seen some of the other little stories of user stupidity.

At the college i work for, we have printers that are abused quite often, as in any non pay-to-print university. (*we* have a quota system, but that doesn't always work.) Well, one morning i come in and am greeted with a paper jam in one of the printers. This time, as i forgot to clear the queue before i got the printer back to working condition, it spit out a few jobs. I picked up the printouts, intending to recycle them, when the densely packed text of the top document caught my eye. It jsut looked funny, but upon closer examination, i found it was a nice porn story about cousins and friends and strange positions... Ick. (it wasn't good stuff either ;)

the other one was when i actually let a bunch of the piled-up queue print so i could make sure the printer wasn't going to jam right away. Well, i was 'rewarded' with a series of pictures... and it was off the black and white printer, with the color printer not five feet away, unused.

Ok, i understand that people are sometimes careless, but Wisconsin (where i am) seems to me to be a wee bit conservative. IF YOU'RE GOING TO PRINT OUT PORN, AND THE PRINTER JAMS, REMOVE THE JOB FROM THE QUEUE!!!

it's not all that difficult. it's more to cover your bum than mine (but it also saves my delicate sensibilities).

and a little nugget for you...

a professor had a huge print job waiting that stalled the printers. he asks the lab consultants and helpdesk people in the computer lab to deliver his printout to his office... the only problem was that when the printout was done, it turned out to be 300+ pages of porn!!

what the hell was he thinking?!?!

The "No Password" password
Posted 07/01/2001 by Doctor Lars
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As a satellite TV receiver retailer we usually get the "help desk fallout" when a customer gets so frustrated with the service provider's help desk that they call our store or pack up their equipment and take it in to us. And somehow I usually wind up as point man for the weirder ones.

It is not unusual to password protect an account to prevent unauthorized family members from ordering premium services (porn) and part of the sign-up script at the call center is to ask a new customer if they would like their account password protected. I had a call from a customer who had called in to the provider to add some channels to their account and had been asked for a password. She told them that they had never asked for a password and was told that, not only was there a password, but the account was in her husband's name and not hers so she should talk him. He remembered making the call to set up the account but had never asked to have it passworded. A quick call by me to the provider's agent line solved the mystery. The original activating rep had followed the script, but when the customer declined password protection the clerk had entered "no password" in the PASSWORD field. This flagged the account as password protected with the password phrase "no password."

It just goes to show, you can't always blame the lUsers.

Of mice and men.
Posted 07/01/2001 by Doctor Lars
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Among my many duties in our store I babysit a ten user network. I always have time to explain things as simply as I can and like to use a lot of analogies. For instance, email 101 usually starts with how your email account is like having a post office box downtown and your password is like a key to open the box, and when you want your mail your computer "drives to the post office" over the LAN. Or how the Quark file emailed from the printer that won't open is like getting a letter in the mail written in German; it makes perfect sence to the sender but your computer doesn't "speak Quark."

The one they won't let me live down was the day the accounting manager called me because her mouse would go up and down but not left to right. So I stroll into her office, sit at her disk, turn her mouse over, and start cleaning the ball and rollers. After gouging out the worst of the grunge I blew into it to get everything out and put it back together. She sat back at her desk and happily went back to work. She asked me "Was that all it needed?" I answered, "Yah. Mice are like men. Every once in a while to get their attention you have to roll them on their back and blow on their balls."

Is This A Virus?
Posted 07/01/2001 by SkyHacker007
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I do the tech supprt helpdesk thing, during the Sirc Virus issue. And would you believe it...we JUST rolled out a GUI based email client, thus making attachments a million times easyer to open.

Me-Hello helpdesk....

User- Oh Hi...I hear theres a awful virus going around.

Me- Yes its not a very nice one indeed...

User- Well I think I have it...Ive emailed it to you and your support line...

Me- You emailed what?....A question? Or the Email?

User- Yes the email it has a virus in it...

Me- Ok as a general rule please do not email us virus infected emails to ask if this is a virus....we will help...

User- But I just took a course in Computers and the Internet at *Xcollege* ( well known good solid teachers )

Me- Ok im sorry I dont see the point of emailing us a virus for us to tell you its a virus...Its illogical, and the fact that you say youre educated in these matters seems even more illogical

User- Ahhhh yeah...*click*

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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So I'm at work one day, running a copy of crack against

the company password file.

Its the first time I've done this a while, so I'm not

sure what to expect .. anyway 15% of the company have

managed to change their passwords to "password", "secret",

or something like that.

I mail all the users informing them of the need for a good

password - and telling them the next time the login they'll

be prompted to change their password.

All goes well, they change them away, and thankfully they

seem to have avoided dictionary words.

A couple of days later I get a phone call from a user

asking "Do I need to tell you what my new password is?"

*dribble*

Shaved Video Card
Posted 07/01/2001 by Mrsee
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As a senior tech I often get asked questions like will an ISA card fit in a PCI slot? Well we all know the answer, but I had one determined technician take a Matrox ISA card and shave the end of the card to make it fit into a PCI slot. I use the term technician losely here! He was equally surprised when it didn't fit right or work at all. He now works for the client righting code.

Yell at it!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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My first computer related job was at a Radio Shack. I sold a client a computer with a 9600/14.4 baud modem, sound card etc. and explained that if he set up all the software he could send faxes and connect to the internet. He was very excited. I few days after the sale he returned with the unit and explained that the modem did not work. I spent an hour testing it all and had no issues. He took the unit home and called me the next day claiming that the modem still did not work. In the interest of good customer service I did a house call. There he sat in front of the box, punched in a number and....... when his Mom answered he started yelling "Hello" at the computer. He could hear her voice through the modme speaker so he thought that it could be used as a giant phone. I won't go into the fax portion of it....

Think Fast...
Posted 07/01/2001 by ~Lawrence
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This is short, but good. I work at a computer help desk that helps the company's Sales Reps with their laptop and software problems. I had this gentleman on the line, who wasn't that knowledgable about computers. So, to make him not worry, I stated that after he doubled clicked the .exe file, the computer would load the setup, and that the mouse arrow would changed to an hour glass, meaning the computer was "thinking". He replied with, "Yeah, when that happens, I always shake the mouse, and it makes the computer think faster." He was sincere in his reply.

Rrrriiiiiiight.

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I'm a law student in sweden, and i heard this story from a friend of mine who works at the university's computer department.

The university were skipping out older computers for free, and since my friends parent needed a new(er) computer, he went to the secretary who handled the matter to get one. the conversation went something like this:

(Friend)Hi, i'm intrested in one of the used computers.

(Secretary)Right, do you need a disk drive also?

(Friend)???What do you mean?

(Secretary)yeah, you know, the boxy thing under the computer...

Say no more..

CompuJerks, Part 1
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I'm telling this story anonymously, because if I didn't I could well be sued by my idiot ex-boss, who hates me. I'm sure if he ever saw this he'd sue me for everythig I'm worth! (which ain't much, but what the hey).

I apologize in advance for the length of this submission.

Anyway, I used to work as an on-site technical support for a company whose name was not quite CompuJerks. My boss, Mark, had set up the company with his techie friend, David. It didn't take long for all hell to break loose in this firm. Inititally, Mark was to handle all the non-technical stuff, and David was to manage the technical side of things, but Mark was very unhappy with how David managed the technicians. Some examples:

1) Mark focused obsessively on how we technicians "marketed" the company to clients. He couldn't understand why we didn't want to spend our time sitting around with the clients selling them new products and services, but would rather spend our time actually doing techie stuff.

2) we didn't get paid unless the problem ws solved on the first try. ANY glitches or hangups meant that the tecdh did not get paid!

3) We were switched from a fee-based system to a commision system, which, toward the end of my incarceration --oops-- I mean, "stay" there, required the following to recieve my pay ( -and ALL FIVE conditions had to be met to get the pay for the work completed):

a) the problem had to be solved on the first try, without ANY hitches or glitches. Even a reversed data cable on a floppy could cost the tech his entire pay for the job.

b) The client had to be happy with the work done. Now, this wasn't any ordinary "happy". The client had to nearly have had an orgasm in order to have been qualified as being happy.

c) Mark had to be happy witht he work. Now, if he became convinced that the job wasn't done perfectly (and since his standard was one of absolute perfection, his was a hard standard to meet), the tech would not get paid.

d) Mark had to be happy with the clients' happiness. If Mark wasn't satisfied that the client was sufficiently, happy, no pay for techie.

e) the client had to have no followup problems between the time the job was done, and the techie got paid. Unfortunately, he screwed us (or at least me) over, issuing only three cheques, and one of those was issued under threat of a lawsuit. That meant that I started in November, got paid once in December, again in April --yes, you read correctly, APRIL!!!!!!-- and the l;ast one in June, and that was a result of my siccing my lawyer on him with a sternly worded legal letter. That gave LOTS of opportunities for clients to call in complaining about unrelated, but paycheque-fatal complaints.

In short, I did about $17,000 worth of work, but got paid only $1,000, because of my "poor custimer service" and my "incompetent technical aptitude" To wit:

"poor customer service" meant that, for example, I hadn't said "Hello, how are you?" to the receptionist, but instead, simply said "hello" (Loss on paycheque: $50.00).

"Incompetent techncial aptitude": You have to understand that when Mark took over as techncial manager, he had basic user-level skills in Word, Excel, Simply Accounting, and Windows. He had never built a netwoprk in his life, and had built ONE computer (under the careful guidance of myself and David, his partner). This man had literally NO knowkledge or training in computers whatsoever, but he decided that since he was president of the company he MUST be a genius, so of course that made him the Steve Wozniak of the Management team (NOT!).

SO if I for example, attached a ZIP drive and TEHN installed the drivers, instead of the "proper" way, which is to install the software, then attach the zip dirve, I'd be written up for disciplinary action, even if I had accomplished the task successfully --and so I wouldn't get paid!

Some samples of the jobs for which I ws disciplined:

--Successful installation of Windows 3.1 (no, I don't know why. The Machine was a 486/66 and certainly could have handled Win95 [this ws just prior to the release of Win98]), but I had accidentally deleted some DLL files --under the instruction of the client. Because I had to go back and reinstall MS Office 4.2, no pay for me, adn a verbal warning. (Loss of Pay: $35.00)

--Successful installation of RAM for a client. I was penalized because I refused to demonstrate any initiative, instead depending heavily on Management to authroize each and every step of the install. Interestingly, Mark had ordered me (becasue of the above job) NOT to show any initiative, but to depend on Mark and David's approval of each and every step --yes, right down to getting senior management authorization to remove the screws from the case to remove the cover of the PC. But since "the customer is absolutely right in all cases" (direct quote from Mark), if the client ws unhappy if I did or did not show initiative, then I would be disciplined for showing/not showing initiative. (Loss of pay: $35.00)

--Disciplined because of an ultimately successful development of a data backup procedure for a client. I'll detail more in another story, but the essentials are:

* Installed the ZiP drive successfully, but didn't do it the "proper" way: driver first, then attach the zip.

* Caused a hard drive crash. Actually, the hard drive crash didn't actually happen, but Mark "interpreted" a hard-drive spool-down in the middle of a disk defragment as a "crash"

* Had to reinstall Win95. Client "apparently" ws mortally offended because her 17-year old nephew had done it and had (naturally) botched it. Actually, client wasn't mortally offended at all, MARK THOUGHT that the client SHOULD FEEL insulted, adn so took it upon himself to get offended for the client.

* Insulted ACCPAC Simply accounting, "THe best accounting package in the world, according to Mark's accountant, who, according to MArk, ws "one of the best accountants in the city of Va---u--r"

* Insulted the client (but never to her face) when I criticized her for installing FIVE copies of Wrodperfect and FOUR copies of ACCPAC to handle each of her nine file sets.

* Was pulled off a network installation that I set up with another client as punishment, becdause MARK forgot to include a hub in his estimates for the cost of the network.

Ultimate cost to me: $500.00

Was I an idiot for staying there? YES! But, live and learn. More to follow.

Mark

Pulling the plug
Posted 07/01/2001 by John Weintraub
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My girlfriend is a wondrously intelligent woman, someone who, in her own native country, trained students in technical skills, including computer skills. So what happened on day just freaked me out.

Pilar needed to put a drawer back in a dresser that sat across from the desk where I run one of my two network servers.

This machine runs WinNT Server 4.0. It also has no backups (I am backing it up soon. I know, though. Dumb of me not to have done it sooner).

So, seeing as the plug for the server was in her way (you can see where this is going, can't you?) she did the only thing one would expect a PC-literate person not to do: SHE PULLED THE PLUG ON A RUNNING NETWORK SERVER!

After my screams of agony died away, and after I rebooted the server I found everything (except my heart) was fine. I tried to explain what she had done wrong, but she didn't understand until I told her that she would have been responsible for $1500 worth of stuff --$300 for a new hard drive, and $1200 for a new copy of NT Server. THEN she understood!

Space Aliens
Posted 07/01/2001 by Julian Nicholls
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Luckily, I have not had to support people for many years. Back in the days that I did, this was going around...

Your Customer Could be a Space Alien

Many callers are actually space aliens who sound human, but you can expose

these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts.

Odd or mismatched software and hardware.

Aliens might run "MacWriter on their Apple Microsoft," or use

"PerfectWord on a Claris 610."

Strange or unusual software habits.

An alien might not understand the hierarchical filing system, so she might

put all her files and Applications in the same folder. Aliens can also exhibit

paranoia, so an alien may worry that if he throws out one document, all other

documents will disappear. Perhaps this occurs in different solar systems.

Bizarre sense of humor.

Aliens often exhibit inappropriate senses of humor. For instance, an alien may

burst out laughing in the middle of a serious discussion about the difference

between clicking and dragging.

Puts you on hold frequently.

Aliens have trouble with human language and often must put you on hold to

consult references in order to figure out what you are saying.

Keeps a written or recorded diary.

Aliens worry that they won't retain every subtlety of the conversation and feel

more comfortable recording it.

Misuses everyday items.

Aliens have trouble with human-based objects, so an alien would be more likely

to use a mouse upside down. Aliens having Pivot monitors are constantly

pivoting them. Scientists speculate that they are trying to align their

monitors with a distant magnetic wave system, but tests have been inconclusive.

Constant questions about customs.

Aliens want to know why thing happen as they do, so they may interrupt every

suggestion you make to ask why or to suggest another way of doing it.

Don't be put off by this behavior, aliens can't help it.

Secretive about personal life-style and home.

Aliens don't like to give anything away for fear of blowing their cover.

If a caller has a great deal of difficulty telling you, say, the names of the

fields used in a print merge, and then finally tells you the information is

classified, you are probably assisting a space alien. Another tip-off is aliens

that cannot reveal the names of their hard drives.

Frequently talks to himself.

The alien may be rehearsing or practicing what he will say next.

Displays a change of mood when near certain high-tech hardware.

An alien may become nervous or hyperventilate when near computer hardware.

Aliens also become unobservant and have trouble reading labels.

If a customer cannot identify the name of the computer, and the name is affixed

to the front of the computer, you may have a space alien on your hands.

Experts point out that a caller would have to display most if not all of these

traits before you can positively identify her as an alien.

Tecnician
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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Got a call from a customer that said. "Iยดm having problem with a mail that I sent from work, I canยดt get it down here at home." I asked her if it had an attachment. "Yes, itยดs a picture" was the answer. I then asked her how big the file was. The answer was. "Itยดs about 10x15 cm"

TITS on my screen
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I work for a well know company, with a rather laid back attitude. The following call to a colleague on the helldesk is beyond belief.

Caller Hello

Me Hello

Caller When IT reinstalled my computer after taking it away to be fixed, they proved that the internet worked by accessing www.boobs.com now whenever I go into the internet I get tits everywhere, please can you stop this happening!!

Me He He - show me

and the rest is beautiful history...............

Names withheld to protect the innocent

Drive Me Crazy
Posted 07/01/2001 by Mark Strijbos
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Customer: i've tried to install that new version according to your instructions but i'm having some serious problems.

Tech: in what way?

Customer: well, after i have loaded the first disk it tells me to insert the second diskette but i can't.

Tech: ???

Customer: there's not enough room for two disks and now they are both stuck in there!

(100% honest-to-God true story)

Weeks 1 to 3 are missing
Posted 07/01/2001 by Buzby
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In a previous job as a Tech Supporter I received a call from a guy in our centre.

ME: "Tech Support... blah blah"

HIM: "Aah.. I'm using Lotus (123) and my files are missing"

ME: "What do you mean your files are missing?"

HIM: "When I do a FILE/OPEN it only shows some of my week reports I make. In fact, now I look at it, it seems the only ones there are ones for week 4."

ME: "Can you give me a filename for one of the missing files?"

HIM: "Er.. yeah.. try SALESREPORT."

I then create a network drive for his home directory and take a look. Sure enough there are files there.. namely;

SALESREPORT.WK1

SALESREPORT.WK2

SALESREPORT.WK3

SALESREPORT.WK4

SALESREPORT.WK5

etc

As Lotus 123's file extension is WK4 - the only report that appeared in his FILE/OPEN screen was "SALESREPORT.WK4". He had mistakenly thought the file extension was the week number...

Oh how we laughed...

My Disk Won't Load
Posted 07/01/2001 by Buzby
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ME: "Good morning, Tech Support.... etc etc"

HIM: "Hi there.. I'm trying to load my disc and it won't"

ME: "Won't what?"

HIM: "Won't load."

ME: "In what way, 'won't load' - do you mean it won't display any files, or it won't open them?"

HIM: "No - I mean it physically won't load."

I give up.. and go and visit him.

Upon arrival he demonstrates how his disk won't load - he pushes it into the floppy drive but it only gets about half way.

I remove the disk from the drive only to find he has stuck the disk label right in the middle of the front of the disk, thereby disabling the disk door from opening....

The day I finally lost it
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tog
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After sixteen years in operations and user support I think that I was justified in losing it for the first time ever during the following exchange.

User: Hello there, I wonder if you can help me? I have a problem with... (goes on to explain problem).

Me: Are you using Windows?

User: I don't know - how can I tell?

(There is a pause, and then on the other end of the phone I can hear a conversation between the User and two other people in her office)

User: None of us knows if it's a Windows machine.

Me: You mean to say that you honestly don't know what Windows is? You can't tell me if you double-click on little pictures to do anything...

(CLICK)

Users - Can't Live With Them, Can't shoot them
Posted 07/01/2001 by Robin Sayer
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I worked as tech support for a smallish company and have a few user funnies that stick in my head.

First one. User calls up and says "Hey - Can you come and have a look at my mouse it's all screwed up."

"Whats wrong with it" I ask.

"Well" he says, "If I move the mouse to the left, the cursor goes to the right, and if I move it to the right, it goes to the left".

He was a failry new user and I didn't have the heart to make him feel stupid so I just went out to his desk and quickly turned his mouse round the right way when he wasn;t looking.

Second one - Get a call at 8 PM at home for support. We don't offer out of hours support, and how the hell did he get my home number. But anyway - It's a guy from our office and he's ranting and raving.

"Can't get to my network X: drive, its gone". I go through all the standard check, his network drivers are there, but nothing of his network has come up. I spend about 15 minutes talking to him on the phone when I can suddenly hear a dog barking on the line, and something that sounds like his mum clearing away dinner plates.

"Are you in the office" I ask. "No", he says - "I had a lot of work to do so I unplugged my computer and took it home."

Now I understand why he can't see his network drive.

Last one - I was sent a 5 1/4 inch disk drive from a company with some very important data on it. Luckily to make us realise it's importance whoever had sent it had been kind enough to staple a post-it to it, right through the disk on which was written - "This data is important, please take care of this disk".

Screen Savers
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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At a fairly large company I where I worked a few years ago, each of the Executives had to have a top of the line PC even though most hardly ever turned them on and of course had no idea how to use them once they did.

One of the tech support guys I worked with got a critical call one day to install the new Star Trek screen saver that one of the Executive VPs had just purchased.

He went up to the guy's office, put in the CD, clicked a couple of OK buttons that the CD's autorun routine popped up (about 30 seconds total install time) and kicked it off to show the guy how it would look when it ran.

Then the guy wanted to know if he could run both his old screen saver, which he really liked, and the new Star Trek one....AT THE SAME TIME.

B.T.W. this company is now in the process of going under, big suprise.

The power of trainees
Posted 07/01/2001 by Waynster
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I worked for a US owned cable TV provider one time, and had been off two months with a fractured spine. On my first night shift back I was introduced to a trainee who had been working there for two weeks. A friend of the boss it turns out who needed a break.

We had been working for several hours when she asked of me if there was a problem with her computer - You see every time she went to use her mouse no matter which way she moved it, the cursor went the other way - down was up, left was right etc. Now remember she had been there two weeks already....

Now if you can't figure the fault out then you should not be on this site man!

(Let me put it this way - you ever tried operating the switches with the cable in the way and using the palm of your hand???)

The inept tech...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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It's not always a user that is worthy of a submission to this site, sometimes, its the so-called tech!

First off, I work for a very large international company on their ITSD Help Desk. For hardware problems, we send a ticket to another company (a difernt division of the mother company I workfor) We got ourselves a new computer with the image that the users use (instead of our winnt image) provided by this hardware company.

Because of our location and network needs (having to connect to about 8 different domains), we run static ip's. this new computer was put onto the network for the user's domain (which is normally dhcp). The "tech" that installed the system 1) had the name as "Generic" instead of the inventory number (and he didnt know how to change the computer name) and 2) didnt know how to manually assign an ip address.

Of course after we kicked his inept carcass out, it was up n running in about 2 minutes.

have fun guys n gals! and remember, its all fun n games till someones domain login gets pooched

One line & Two lines
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tviokh
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I had a call today(7/27/01) that involved a middle aged woman who needed an init string for her LTWIN modem.

So, here's what happened:

Me: "Okay, now time in 'minus..v as in victor..9..0.."

C: "Wait! What's a minus sign??"

Me: "Um..it's..a minus sign..it's like a dash, a hyphen?"

C: "What's a hyphen?"

Me: "A dash, it's a dash."

C: "Okay, one line?"

Me: "Yes, one line."

So, we get the -v90 in, and I say:

Me: "..equals...0..s as in Sam..."

C: "What's equals?"

Me: "An equal sign."

C: "What's that look like?"

Me: *stunned* "It's like...like the math symbol?"

C: "The what? I don't know what an equal sign looks like!!"

Me: "Um...two lines on top of each other..."

C: "Okay, two lines..where is that on the keyboard?"

Me: "It's above the plus sign, near the backspace key."

C: "What's a plus sign look like?!"

Me: "like a little T."

So, she gets the equal sign in, but throughout the string she still couldn't remember what an equal sign was...so...

In the course of typing in -v90=0s38=0s28=1 it came out sounding like

"One line, v, 9, 0, two lines, s, 3, 8, two lines, 0, s, 2, 8, two lines, 1"

How do you not know what a minus sign and equal sign look like?!

I suck at math, but even I'M not that stupid!

Faster Dialup
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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One of our sales people after repeatedly complaining about how slow dial-up access was from home approaches the help desk asking if she can have one of the "blue telephone lines" she uses at work for home because its so much faster.

We gave her one.

MY Fault
Posted 07/01/2001 by LowKey
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I worked for an ISP...I know, nothing new, but this story is a little funny...

...I was helping This guy set up his dial-up account. I set up his username in Dial up networking. When it came time to enter the pass word I spelled it out phoenetically....Like a-alfa b-bravo.....so as I am telling him the 8 RANDOM character password made up of letters and numbers, he says "wow, that is a long password", I agreed that 8 random characters is a little long and thought nothing of it....

...later, while testing the connection (do u see this comming yet?) I got a password error....after a few mins of tooling around, I find out this is what he typed in his passoword

"a as in alfa b as in bravo c as in charlie....."

a-mazing...

Thanks for the Memory
Posted 07/01/2001 by Girl Geek
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I was working as a unix admin when I received a ticket saying that one of the groups I support was planning to install some new software that would require more RAM in the server. They asked for us to double the amount already in there, and I told them what that would cost. They decided they needed it quickly, though, so couldn't I just take some from their data filesystem and use that?

The sad thing is that this was supposed to be a programmer--a technical person.

Spelling
Posted 07/01/2001 by Geek Girl
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I was working as a unix system admin, and there was a person from another department who always acted like he knew more than we did about what we do. In one email, he referred to us as "unicks" admins. I exercised massive self restraint, and didn't reply telling him it was spelled "uniques".

Just one usual day!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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One day I recieved a call from one of my customer:

me: Good day mam!

she: Hello, you sold me a broken PC ... it's out of work!

me: what's not working?

she: Everything ... it's not running at all!

me: How it can be I've just this morning show you in our store that everything works and you were enjoying how fast system works and all the rest stuff ...

she: But now nothing ... just blank screen ... and mouse is out of work and keyboard do not type anything.

During the 10 minutes I was trying to figure out the problem and finaly ..

Me: Mam did you try to push a big round button in the top of the computer?

She: Nope!

Me: So how you expecting to run the computer then! What the hell? You even haven't run it!

(Sorry guys if something in my spelling or grammar wasn't that good ... the story from Kyrgyzstan one of the ussr ex countries ... and I've just translate it to English)

Vlad

Internet problems or just dumb user?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Vlad Taganskiy
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Call to technical service of one local Internet provider:

operator: Hello

user: I connect to your system and nothing works

op: What exectly?

u: two small icons of computer at the bottom of the bar are not highlighting when I connect a modem to your system ... and it's not downloading any information!

During fifteen minutes operator trying to find out what's wrong with computer of the client, he even check all his system for problems and so on ... during this time user learned how to install proxy service and remove it.

Finaly problem was he just ahven't run Internet Explorer to see any sites on Internet ... he just believed that if the comunication light are not blinking there's not connection at all!

i wanna chat
Posted 07/01/2001 by rew
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me and a couple of friends worked in the same are and would communicate through aim, yahoo, etc. one my friends happens to have been an ex-field tech for a unisys satellite office. while on IM's, i was telling him about some yahoo chat stories and he proceeds to ask me how to get into the chatrooms. jokingly, i tell him "just go to your IM window and type `i wanna chat`" thinking he was going to write back and say, "haha...no, really", he ends up calling me and saying "do0d...it didn't work!! i tried it 3 times!!" needless to say, i was in tears.

The good old 5 1/4 inch "CD" drive
Posted 07/01/2001 by Adam G
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Remember those good old 5.25" Floppy drives? Most people these days have never seen one, but if you owned an 8088 or a 80206 or some other "ancient" computer, you might recall them. One day, while working tech support for the IT department of a large Oil exploration company, we get a call from the engineering department. I take the call. It seems pretty straight forward at first:

"Tech support, this is Adam. How may I help you."

"Yes, I have a broken CD drive."

"OK, when you was broken, what do you mean? Is it physically broken that you can see, or is it just not working properly?"

"Well, I put in the CD, and flip the lever, and nothing happens. I tried everything to get it to work. I looked in the control panel and in "My computer" and all of that."

Right away, I was a bit curious. A CDrom drive with a lever? Hmmm... I wonder.

"OK, do you hear the drive spinning at all?"

"No, it doesn't make a sound, and it won't eject the CD. I think the CD is stuck in it. I can't get it out. It was hard enough to put in. The lever isn't ejecting it."

"Ok, I'll dispatch a tech to take a look at it. Now can I get your name, room number......"

I thought I knew what it was, but had to send a tech up to the 5th floor to see. Sure enough, the tech comes into the call center about 10 minutes later:

"Guess what? I just went to fix a CDRom drive for a guy up on 5, and it wasn't a CDRom problem at all. He was trying to play a CD in his 5.25" floppy drive. I had to pull it out with a pair of pliers, and I'm sure the drive is shot. How clueless can you get?"

"Very, apparently. Did you fix it? I need to log the results."

"Yeah, he has an actual CDRom now, but his CD was all scratched up after I got it out of the floppy drive..Funny, you would think an engineer would have known the difference."

Where the Sun Don't Shine
Posted 07/01/2001 by Charlene
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I received a call from an irate woman who could not get her system to perform the way she dictated. She was foul mouthed and the more I tried to explain what her system would and would not do, the madder she got and the more verbal abuse she heaped upon me. We are supposed to be polite to the customers but I really think this lady forgot to take her Prozac! After about twenty minutes of unsucessfully trying to explain to her that her computer would not allow her to access her husbands credit card records or her neighbors bank accounts, etc., she blew! She told me if this stupid computer could not do what she wanted then I could take it and shove it up my @$$! I very calmly and politely told her, "No maam, it is your computer, you use it."

I then walked outside for some fresh air.

I cant open this damn loveletter...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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Here is my story. I am a Sysadmin on an University Institute here in Austria. A technical institute, so theres usually no real trouble.

But one day a professor came to me and complained heavily about an email attachment he couldยดnt open. He said he tried everything. But the damn thing didnt open.

So I went to his machine and looked at this mail attachment.

The subject was "Loveletter for you".....

He didnt find it strange, that he got a loveletter in english (we speak german here in austria). He simply wanted to see who loves him....

Thank god for Pegasus mail. If someone programs a plugin for Pegasus mail to open VBS files, just shoot him....

Go find the box your computer came in...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Heather
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I just got off this call and this customer was SO STUPID I had to share it with you all. This call lasted 1 hour and 30 minutes.

I'm DSL support for an ISP and this guy calls up because he is getting an Error 678.

An Error 678 (with DSL) is almost always a line issue. All we have to do is check his setup, uninstall and reinstall the Intel drivers and submit a line repair ticket if all that doesn't work.

So I started checking his set up and found out that he had just moved the computer. He says that he was getting the error before he moved the computer so we continued troubleshooting. I made him install our microfilters on his other phones and try connecting again. He got an Error 680 (No modem detected). I thought maybe when he moved the computer, the Intel 2100 jiggled loose so I had him reseat the modem (he didn't turn it off to do this either) and reboot the machine. He still got an Error 680. So I ran the Uninstall file for the 2100 drivers, rebooted the machine and the computer didn't detect the Intel. So I tried it again. Same result. I checked device manager to see if the Intel was listed there, and it was not under Network Adapters or Other Devices. At this point I was a little confused so I called my Senior Technician to see what else I could try. When he learned that the customer hadn't shut the computer off while reseating the Intel, he thought the customer must have fried the Intel and I should send the customer a new modem. When I mentioned this to the customer he said, "But I have a new Intel 2100 here in my hands" I asked him how he ended up with 2 Intel 2100's. He said, "this is the one that your company sent me for DSL, I havn't installed it yet." I was so upset with this guy that I could talk to him anymore. He got the vibe and told me he would install the Intel and call back to get help installing the drivers. I didn't argue!! Why has he paid for DSL for 2 months and kept using his 56k modem?!? Why, when he called tech support, did he go to the option for DSL support if he's not even using his DSL?!? Why didn't he tell me at the beginning of the call that he hadn't installed the 2100 yet?!?

Sometimes I wonder why you have to have a license to get married, drive a car, own a gun and go hunting but ANYONE can buy a computer! This must change and soon.

Right click?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Sm!thy
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I've worked in IT for a couple of years now, but just recently a family friend gave me the best laugh I've had in ages.

(me) Okay, now I want you to right-click on your screen. You should see a small menu appear

-short pause-

(user) I've done that, but nothing happens.

(me) Strange, can you try it again?

-I listen closely this time...

-clickety-click-click-

(me) What was that?

(user) What?

(me) That clicking sound, were you typing?

(user) Yes. I was writing 'click' as you asked.

Suffice to say I now ask people to 'click with the right mouse button' :)

password or brain problem?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anon. tech
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I work for an ISP i Norway, and a couple of weeks ago I got this call (translated from norwegian):

me - [company name], I'm [my name]...

he - (very stressed) I can't figure out my password. It contains an upside down exclamation mark, but I can't find it on my keyboard!

Being slow in the morning the first thing that comes into my mind is 'could this be a password from a spanish-language ISP?' Then I just barely hit the mute in time before bursting into an uncontrolled laugh.

me - are you sure it's not an 'i' ??

total silence for a couple of seconds...

he - oh my god, how embarassing. I hope this stays between you and me...

(yeah, right!)

New Processors
Posted 07/01/2001 by Graham W. Boyes
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I just saw an ad that told of a "Celery 300" processor for sale.

throw it out the window
Posted 07/01/2001 by Waterlily
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I work for a small ISP and before that I worked for dell. I hardly get support calls at the ISP but when I do they are ussualy pretty odd. The callers go between the really stupid idiots and the I think Im a computer genius because I watched hackers once.

Me: ISP

Client: I can't get online

Me: Whats your error message?

C: Error message?

Me: yes

C: what do you mean

Me: (oh god not now Im really drunk) go to your my computer

C: Im sitting in front of it now

There is this old woman who calls in almost everytime were here a fairly old woman (retired) we had to make her bring her computer and labled everthing mouse keyboard tower but she insists on calling her tower a modem. AKKK

But this one takes the cake its from when I was working at Dell. This guy had to be on something because he was really cracked.

I went through the ussual trouble shooting steps and had him with his case open so I could instruck him how to reseat his videocard which has a tendency to come loose on dell systems. He swore that he could not reseat his video card because there was a strange glowing mass off goo connecting his video card to the motherboard. I didnt know where to even start with that one so I put him on speaker phone so my supervisor could hear. The guy began to really trip and say that he had to go because a bunch of mushrooms were giving him the finger. We didn't stop laughing for at least an hour.

The fine art of self-humiliation
Posted 07/01/2001 by Sparky P
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I work tech support for a quasi-governmental agency of the federal government, and while I may not know everything, I'm smarter than the average bear...except for this one day about a year-and-a-half ago.

I had been working on my computer at home and swapping out some components (video and sound). I got everything put back together (some cards in different PCI slots) and got called away for dinner. Later I came back and fired the computer up, and was pleased with the results. Great video, great sound. Ahhh. Then I tried to go online. I have a cable modem (hence the network card), and was getting nothing except Server Not Found errors. I took a glance at the cable modem and all the LED indicators were flashing normally, so didn't think there was anything wrong there, but you never know, so I power cycled the cable modem (since that's what my ISP would have me do anyway once I got their tech guy on the phone.) All LED indicators came back normal again, and I tried again to surf the Net. Nothing.

I tried a few pings to various servers using both IPs and domain names. Nothing.

Finally, with resignation, I resorted to calling @Home tech support. Here's pretty much how it went:

@Home: What seems to be the problem?

Me: Well, I can't seem to get any connection to the internet. My modem lights appear ok, but I can't surf, ping, get email, etc.

@Home: Well, let's try power-cycling the modem. [See, I told you that would be the first thing they'd try!]

Me: I've already done that...(and thinking fast on my feet, I added) twice.

@Home: Ok, well, let's see...Well, we appear to be able to get to your modem, but we're having problems getting to your computer. Do you have a new network card?

Me: No. Sure don't. In fact, I've got a 3com 10/100 card. It ought to work just fine. It has up until now anyway. I did move it to a different PCI slot, however.

@Home: Ok, have you tried uninstalling and reinstalling our software?

Me: No, because I don't have your software loaded on my machine. I found it too buggy. (I *do* so enjoy giving them a hard time when I can.)

@Home: Well, how about this--is the ethernet cable plugged into your network card?

The light of realization hit me full-force as he said each word. I had forgotten to plug the cat-5 cable back into the network card.

Me: Boy, do I feel like an idiot. I was working on my box earlier and I think you're right--I forgot to put the cable back in.

I did a quick check, and sure enough, the cable was disconnected from the NIC. I quickly reconnected it.

Me: Hey, look at that, I'm reconnected. (I was laughing pretty good by this point, too. If you can't laugh at yourself, you'll never make it through life.)

@Home: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

I am so conditioned to dealing with idiots in @Home's tech department that I usually mention that I do IT for a living, and actually know what I'm talking about. I was relieved that I hadn't bothered to bring that up at the beginning of our conversation!

I still chuckle about that incident!

Tech Support, by the book.
Posted 07/01/2001 by Sparky P
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I have a cable modem thru @Home. Well, one day I was surfing along and )sputter( everything died. I took a look at the modem expecting to see flashing amber lights indicating a problem, but instead was greeted with blinking green "everything's AOK" lights. What gives?

So, I opened up a command prompt and started some pings. Ping yahoo.com. No reply. Ping microsoft.com. No reply.

Well, isn't that interesting?

So, I thought, well, let's try some IP addresses, so I pinged the IP for yahoo and microsoft (always written down, just in case I need to test the connection), and what do you know? I get replies.

So, I ping @Home's DNS servers. Go figure, both are down (no reply).

I call the @Home tech support line to let them know their DNS servers are down.

The actual conversation/argument took about 30 minutes, but here's the gist of it:

Tech: What seems to be the problem today?

Me: Your DNS servers are down, and I can't surf the internet.

Tech: You say you can't surf?

Me: That's right.

Tech: Ok, let's try power-cycling your modem. (Straight out of the @Home tech support playbook.)

Me: What?!

Tech: We're going to power-cycle your modem.

Me: No, we're not. That's not the problem. The problem is your DNS servers are down.

Tech: I'm sorry?

Me: Your DNS servers are down. I do I.T. for a living, I know this stuff inside-out and upside-down. Your DNS servers are down.

Tech: Well, I need to have you power-cycle your modem or I can't help you.

Me: For the love of pete...fine. There, I'm power-cycling. And gee, big surprise, nothing's working yet. Think it could be your DNS servers?

Tech: Do you mean DHCP? Is your network card set up to "Obtain IP address automatically"?

Me: No, it's not.

Tech: Well, let's change your network settings.

Me: Ain't gonna happen.

Tech: I'm sorry?

Me: I said, 'Ain't gonna happen,' because when I subscribed to your service I was issued a static IP address. DHCP is for dynamic IP addresses, static means the IP address doesn't change, and since I have a static IP, it ain't changing. (I do love to throw down the gauntlet with these idiots.)

Tech: Well, our entire network is DHCP, Sir. You'll have to change your network card to DHCP enabled.

Me: No, I won't. And your entire network is not DHCP, otherwise I wouldn't have a static IP, now would I. Not that it matters, because the problem is your DNS servers are out.

Tech: You mean, DHCP.

Me: No, I mean DNS. Domain Name Servers. They're the servers that get hit between me making a request and me going to the web page. It translates www.yahoo.com into an IP address; it's like directory assistance.

Tech: You really need to switch your settings to DHCP.

Me: Quit with the DHCP already! I'm *trying* to do you a favor and let you know your DNS servers are out before you get swamped with a bunch of calls from angry customers.

Tech: Sir, if you're not going to switch your network card settings, then there's nothing I can do to help you.

Me: Fine. I'll try calling back and talking to someone competent.

(Click)

I then called back, and thankfully dodged the last guy. Here's how that conversation went.

New Tech: How can I help you?

Me: By not being as stupid as the last guy I just talked to.

New Tech: (chuckles) Ok.

Me: Your DNS servers are out. I called to report it but the last guy kept insisting that it was my lack of DHCP settings. I tried pinging Yahoo and Microsoft using the domain names, but got nothing, but I did get a response when I used the IP addresses. Plus, when I pinged your DNS servers I got no reply.

New Tech: All right, hang on here, let me check.... [Apparently running some kind of ping test himself.] You're right, Sir. Looks like those DNS servers are out. I'll write this up and have them get right on it.

Me: Thank you so much for not trying to make me power-cycle the modem, and actually *listening* to me. What's your name, and who do I write to let them know you're doing an excellent job?

He told me, and I *did* write the supervisor and let them know this guy had his act together and LISTENED to the customer who knew what he was talking about. Folks, if we want to get rid of the "by the book" mentality that too often plagues our chosen field, we need to make sure we let managers and corporations know that we despise "by the book" mentality when we already know what the problem is!!

Easy words...
Posted 07/01/2001 by Gabrielle
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I work for a cable Internet company and our modem connects on the computer through the USB port.

So, we have to guide new customers into finding if they do have a USB. Some people can tell right away if they do have one available, but some others need a little help.

Usually I go with the simple way :

"Go check on the back of the computer's tower..."

And that man one day goes :

"Tower? What's the tower? Don't start using those technical words with me... It's getting way too hard now..."

So I try a more casual explanation:

"The thing that looks like a plastic box sir..."

And he answers:

"Oh yes! The PROCESSOR! Why didn't you tell me before?"

Easy words, heh?

Support Officer
Posted 07/01/2001 by Craig Bruce
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Hi,

One day when it was my turn to man the Support Phone, I get a call from one of the Marketing girls complaing that she restarted her computer and now it is saying Missing OS. After all the usual checks to make sure that she hasn't done anything wrong, I log a job with one of the other guys. As you know the life a of a Support guy isn't all that easy, so this particual Support Officer was flat out with other business when we get another call from this girls boss.

Me - Support desk how can I help you?

Boss - Hi my Marketing girl phoned earlier this morning saying her computer wont boot and she was told someone was coming around. That was over an hour ago and we are getting a bit impatient. I've had a look and cant see anything wrong it just says Missing OS.

Me - I've logged the job with one of our guys, he's pretty flat out at the moment I'll see if I can get hold of him...

Boss - The sooner the better as we are getting behind big time here!

Got in contact with the relevant guy and he goes around.

A few minutes later I get another call

Me - Support desk how can I help you?

Support Guy - Hi mate, you know that Marketing girl who was having problems with her computer?

Me - Yeah...

Support Guy - Well its fixed now...I walked in there and they were really ticked off at me for being late, they showed me what they did. I looked down at the computer and pressed the eject button on the floppy drive and out pops a floppy disk. They were very silent when I left a few seconds later.

Me - (laughing) Man she said there was nothing in there...

It just goes to show that you can be confronted with people who not only dont know what they're doing with computers but ones that dont listen when you try to help them over the phone.

tale of two printers
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I used to work for a local authority with area housing office. A tech support guy told me this true story

The housing office had 2 sorts of printers. AN OKI microline for general purpose printing and a Mannesman Tally dedicated to printing job tickets for repairs.

A user rang up saying the ticket printer was not working properly so the support tech guy went through a set up from the printer front panel. The user said he couldn't see the control panel on the right hand side but it was on the left. (???)

Finally the support person asked the end user to read what it said on the printer and he replied OKI microline.

The support guy said 'that's not a ticket printer'

the user replied 'yes it is. it goes tick,tick, tick'

(Dot matrix line feed sound)

What OS was that again?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Arklier
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At the time I got this call, which was about a year ago, I was working for an outsourcer that handles Microsoft personal support calls for Windows 95 and 98. I was in the 95 queue. Those were the only calls we handled. Or we were supposed to handle, anyway...

I picked up the line, and right after I say my shpiel, this sweet old lady comes on, almost in tears. She sounded like someone's grandmother.

Her:

"Please can you help me? I've been trying to get on the internet and I've been talking to the internet people for hours and hours and I can't get online because I don't have a My Computer. The internet people said it must not have been installed! Please help!"

Me: (thinking, 'How can you have Windows 95 and not have My Computer?')

"Okay, calm down. Can you see the start bar down below?"

Her:

"No! It's not there!"

Me:

"Ok, what does it say at the top of the screen?"

Her:

"It says Program Manager."

Me: (thinking, 'Someone must have changed the shell to Program Manager.' And yes, that's possible in Win95)

"Ok, I want you to click on file, and then select Exit Windows and wait for it to say it's safe to turn off the machine."

Her:

"Done."

A few minutes of small talk go by.

Me:

"Does it say it's safe to shut off yet?"

Her:

"No. There's just a black screen that say see dot dot arrow."

Me: (thinking, 'That means we're in DOS. How did we get to DOS? It should be ready to shut off. Better try Safe Mode.')

"Okay, just turn it off and back on. When you see the screen that says 'Starting Windows 95' tap on the F8 key until you get to a startup menu."

Her:

"Ok, it's starting. Lots of text is going by. Drat, I must have missed it, it's going into Windows."

Me: (banging head on desk, since this machine was obviously a hideously slow booter)

"It's Ok, we can just do it again. Let me know when it gets there."

Her:

"Ok, Here's the flying Windows screen... Three eleven."

Me:

"...Wait...whatdidtheflyingWindowsscreensay?"

Her:

"Three eleven."

Me:

"AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!"

As it turned out, she had just gotten the computer from her son, who had also given her a Windows 95 CD, but had never actually installed it on the machine. It was still running Windows 3.11. We started the upgrade process with her CD, and she was satisfied. Since this was her very first computer, I really couldn't blame her for making the assumption that it had 95 on it. But you've got to wonder about those ISP people who worked with her for 'hours and hours' and never figured out she wasn't running Windows 95.

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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Once I called my ISP to sort out a billing problem. Some girl promised to check it up and send me an email. After several unsuccessful attempts to spell my office email (I admit, itโ€™s a long one - 29 chars) Iโ€™ve told her Iโ€™ll send her my address instead. Iโ€™ve sent a blank message, she received it while still on the phone and immediately cried - "Hey, you forgot to send your address, the message is blank! Please send it once more."

Remember, she works for an ISP...

Why don't they listen?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Heds
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We were asked to set up an FTP server for one of our clients (name removed to protect the stupid) to save them using ISDN.

A few months later we went to visit them to discuss the service and the MD mentioned that their ISDN bill for the last quarter had been ยฃ4000

Of course, we didn't think anything of this until he asked why the FTP service had not been set up up to save this expense... (surely I had done this??)

I then of course took great delight in opening up his email client and scrolling down to the LARGE red email called ******** FTP ACCOUNT DETAILS AND INSTRUCTIONS ********

that I sent to him 4 months ago.

Two Lessons Learned
Posted 07/01/2001 by JP Richardson
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This tale actually has two morals...

I was working in a help desk supporting some 1,000+ users on a Solaris network. We had a nifty automated trouble ticket application that was shared by (among others) the help desk and system administration folks. One day our boss came in & proceeded to chew our butts for "editorializing our feelings about users" in the trouble tickets. I being the shift leader took the flak for this but was not about to do so without a fight as I knew my folks were not that unprofessional.

After some time with the boss I discovered he had been contacted by a newly hired system administrator. This guy had been reading a trouble ticket that basically was user error. The remarks section ended with "Closing ATT." He got bent out of shape and called our boss complaining that we should not be expressing our personal views about trouble tickets and whether they are A Terrible Trouble ticket (ATT) or not along with how the user could not have known, etc. I explained to the boss that ATT is and always had been shorthand for At This Time. The boss apologized to the shift and wandered upstairs to explain all this to the new sys admin.

Needless to say, the new guy caught flack from us for several months after that.

The morals: If you're the boss, trust your people. If you're the new guy, keep your mouth shut until you learn the ropes.

(l)users .... I ask you
Posted 07/01/2001 by Kevin Marshall
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As part of my job, I do new media work, and CD preparing work. For this conference we were giving out credit card sized CD’s as a gimmick.

The cards were given out...

Next day, I get a user come up to me as I was preparing the computer to give the presentations for that day.

User - "Can you help me with this CD..."

Me thinking - Uh-oh... what have done wrong...

User continues - "I've put your CD in my floppy drive thinking it was a floppy disk..."

The cover on the CD said in large letters "Delegate CD"

Me - "Sorry... Can't help..."

I then went behind the lectern to let off a huge laugh...

I dunno... (l)users....

Kevin Marshall, UK

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Geert-Jan
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This little story isn't about computers, but of more archaic equipment: turntables.

For the past few years I've become familiar with the art of DJ'ing/mixing records. This involves two turntables, one pair of headphones and a mixer, with the intend to seamlessly mix one track into another. (From the same author: http://music.hyperreal.org/dj/AVH/ )

I was surprised to find out that one of my floormates had started doing this too and planned on bringing his equipment over from his parents. So, naturally, one time I asked if I could have a go on his gear...

I soon found out that manipulating vinyl was extremely difficult on his turntables. The slightest push to the platter would have dramatic effects, and the slightest of braking often resulted in a complete stop of the platter.

Now, to an extend, this was to be expected since he was using low-cost low quality turntables, whereas I was used to high torque quality turntables. But there was an additional problem, which, in order to understand this, needs some explaining:

When you're mixing you have to use slipmats. These thin discs, usually made of felt, are placed on the platter and enable the record to slide over the platter, so you can hold the record while the platter KEEPS turning.

After I finished mixing a little 'set' of 8 records, I decided to inspect the slipmats. Nothing wrong with them, not sticky or dirty. But then I noticed something else...

Slipmats are to be used as REPLACEMENT for those 1/4 inch thick heavy rubber mats, not as ADDITION to them. So I removed the rubber mats from both turntables, put back the slipmats, and showed my floormate how much more easy it had become. (Without the rubber mat the platter is much lighter AND has less friction. )

... My poor floormate had been struggling with this decks for OVER A YEAR, and had always wondered why it was so EXTREMELY difficult to mix two records. Now he knew why...

Can I kill this person please.............
Posted 07/01/2001 by Kenny Fox
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Well I have read some fantastic stories of this page but I hadn't seen one like this so I thought I would tell it. I was working as an IT contractor for a government agency helping to do some helpdesk support. They agency was on an army base and all IT support was centralized into one building so most of the time if you had to go support a user you would have to get into the van and drive over there if you couldn't fix the problem over the phone. Well this one chick called up with a problem that the either the computer or the speakers she had were defective and weren't working properly. She was one of those users that is so stupid that its usually easier to drive over to her building and fix the problem yourself rather waste time on the phone with her. A friend of mine offered to go over there and have a look.....When he came back he was pissed and still gets pissed to this day whenever we talk about what happened. When he went over there to find out what was going on he discovered that the problem wasn't defective equipment but that the sound for the left side of the speaker was coming out of the right speaker and the sound for the right speaker was coming out of the left speaker......This chick has a long history of help desk calls so any of you that have one more of these people that you have to deal with regularly I feel you pain.......

A real blow-up
Posted 07/01/2001 by Jonathan Southwick
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I do technical support for computers as a side job and frequently get calls from people about computer problems they are having. Once while I was out someone called and left a voice-mail saying he needed to talk to me about his computer and that it was IMPORTANT!!!

I called him back and asked what the problem was. The guy said, "Something inside my computer blew up!" I'm thinking that maybe there was a lightning storm and that maybe something got fried but I didn't recall any storms that had occurred recently. I asked him to explain what he meant.

He replied, "I don't know ... I just know that something blew up inside our computer!" I asked him how he knew that.

"Well," he said, "I got a message saying that something blew up in my computer."

I told him that he would never get a message saying something like that but he insisted that he did. I asked him to tell me exactly what it said.

Fortunately he had written it down but he spent the next few minutes shuffling through papers looking for it. Meanwhile I was trying rack my brains of what might have happened.

Finally he finds the paper. "Here it is! It said 'Pipeline burst (cache memory)'!!! So is it something bad?"

Suppressing my laughter I explained that nothing blew up in his computer and that it was nothing to worry about. After hanging up I was finally able to let go and laugh about the whole thing.

Cleaning up that C drive
Posted 07/01/2001 by Arklier
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I got this call near the end of my tenure as a Microsoft personal support tech. I could honestly say that now I'd seen everything...

This guy called in. He knew what the problem was, but he just needed me to tell him what files to move to repair the damage. He was running Windows 95, and it seems his wife had decided to do some 'spring cleaning' on the computer. She made a folder called 'system stuff' in the root of C and moved every single system file the computer needed to boot into it. They'd had show all files enabled, and she moved them all. Every one. Msdos.sys, command.com, you name it. Surprise surprise, the computer wouldn't boot. He had a boot disk, so we just moved the files back and reset the attributes in DOS.

Was a fairly quick call, but my god. I asked him if this kind of thing happened a lot, and he said, "All the time." So I told him to consider upgrading it to Win2K. File level security is so nice when you can't get away from the idiots.

But it can't be a virus....
Posted 07/01/2001 by Jeff Holsinger
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This story goes back a few years (about 7) when I was working tech support for a state university. I was setting at my perch, when a very harried, female student comes up to me and asks for my help. She has her final term paper on a diskette, but she can't seem to open the file.

Now, this was back in the days of 486 and old style Macs, and well before the day of very good antivirus products. She told me she created the file on MS Word for Mac, and I dutifully popped the diskette in. The Mac comes back and asks if I want to format the diskette. Obviously, I choose not to, open MacRescue (or some such thing) and try to recover stuff. No such luck. At this point the dear damsel was near tears, so being a good tech support guy, I dug even deeper, using some norton utilities type tool (again not sure of the name), to examine every sector. I manage to save probably about 50-60% of the file, and she was grateful, but curious and asked:

"What could have caused this to happen?"

"Oh, any number of things. It could have been a magnetic field. Did you happen to ever set in on top of the PC or television, or even near the motor on your dorm fridge?"

"No, I am very careful. I always keep my diskettes in the case, and stored away from stuff like that." (She then produces one of the plastic hard cases that are all the rage.)

"It could be heat, or even physical damage."

"No, I always make sure not to leave my disks in the sun, and also not to bend or crush them."

"Well there have been a couple of virus's goin around. That could have caused your problem."

"Oh that can't be it."

"Well, you never know. We do virus scans on these fairly often, but we could miss one. If you use very many computers, you don't know who else has been using them."

"No I am sure of it."

"You can't be too sure."

"No, I know because I sprayed it with LYSOL to kill any virus's after my friend got one. I even opened the little cover, being careful not to touch it."

At this point I walked into the back to keep from laughing in her face. How could she know so much but so little. I then explained to here about the difference between a computer virus and the other types of virii.

How do you like your CPU?
Posted 07/01/2001 by Arklier
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I got this call soon after I transferred to graveyard shift when I was working as a Microsoft TSR. The building had 4 floors, and I was on a different floor than the rest of the graveyard team until my stuff could be moved next week. Since I didn't have the right queue yet, the supervisor from downstairs would take calls and route them to me for support, while giving me a loose overview on what the problem was. On this particular call, he said the customer told him the computer had worked fine for an hour and then frozen up, and was now freezing immediately on boot. I had him give me the call, and that's when the fun started...

As a matter of course, I asked the customer if any changes had been made to the system, new hardware or software installed, ect. He insisted there wasn't. So I had him boot into Safe Mode and we got the infamous 'Himem.sys has detected unreliable XMS memory.' error. This error message is always caused by hardware, either RAM, CPU or cache. I was trying to convince the customer to take the computer into a hardware shop, but he would have nothing to do with it, insisting that the machine had worked fine up until a little while ago. Several minutes went by of me trying to get him to take a refund and go to the shop.

Then out of the blue he asks me, "What's that little skinny black cord coming out of the fan for?"

I replied, "It probably goes to the power supply. Why?"

His reply was, "I upgraded the video card earlier (guess that didn't count as a change, huh?) and it was being too loud, so I unplugged it."

I figured he'd unplugged the case fan and told him at the shop they'd be able to replace that too for a minimum charge. He still didn't want to take it in. So finally I put him on hold and walked all the way downstairs from the 4th floor and explained to the supervisor what was going on and asked him to come up and talk to the customer. We both tromped back up to my desk, and I put the customer on speakerphone to give the supervisor an idea what was going on.

Then I got a flash of inspiration out of the blue, and asked, "This fan that you unplugged, was it on the case, or on the motherboard?"

And the reply was, "On the motherboard."

The supervisor started cracking up laughing, and left for back downstairs without even talking to the guy. This guy had upgraded his video card and unplugged his CPU fan because it was too loud! After about an hour, the chip had gotten so hot, that it totally bugged out. I told him to wait for it to cool off, plug the fan back in, and see if it worked. And if it didn't work, then it wasn't our problem. I even gave him a refund and told him to spend the $35 it cost him to call us to have the computer checked out by a shop. Wasn't that nice?

Running a bit hot
Posted 07/01/2001 by Lucas Evart
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When I was about 15 the K6-233 was spanking new and 64mb of RAM was considered to be quite a lot I built a machine for our family (which of course means mostly for me). I spent a few hours getting it all set up with Win95 (again, still the standard at the time) and started to play my favorite games. Well, being the "genius" that I am I knew never to put the case back on a system before you were absolutely sure the hardware was all put together right. I should have noticed the problem sooner.

Long story short as the days wore on the computer started having more and more problms, locking up and the strangest errors in the directx help files (help files crash games???)

I must have formatted and changed the hardware around half a dozen times over a period of several days before I got curious as to why there was an extra power wire hanging out the side of the system . . . needless to say it was the power to the CPU fan. Amazingly it suffered no permanent damage. The chip must have had some kind of heat switch that shut it down when it got too hot causing total system lockup.

I must say that the K6 was a very robust chip as even after the abuse of my stupidity it still faithfully serves a friend of mine to this very day. Sometimes I think computers need protection from us (or me at least)!

"our internet dont work"
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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same client, at least once a week calls,

"our internet isn't working".

getting to the bottom of it is the usual fun, I can see 4 smtp streams hammering through the email server. it's now an hour and the same 3 connections are still live. I call idiot client and ask what he's emailing? "oh just some scans". I kill the smtp, and ask him to give me the properties of the files, "oh! two are 20mb and the other is 35mb". I couldnt get the to mail from my machine, so I used the machine next to me, when that one didnt work i tried the 2 machines opposite me. I tell you the internet dosnt work!

i explained how jpg's were much smaller than bmp's, and how the mass mailing he'd made would take the best part of a day.

The official report, makes no mention of human error.

Excuse me? You want to do what?!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Sioset
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Oh occasion, I get to be a second level tech, taking calls from agents who aren't too sure as to how to proceed with a call. Sometimes I get real doozies...

This one really sticks out in my mind though.

The agent calls up and says that he's getting ready to scream at this customer and just needed some time to cool off. He then proceeds to tell me this horrifying story:

Customer's friend is trying to format the computer. Keeps getting an error msg saying "volume in use". I ask the agent, where are they trying to format from? From safe mode, yes it's true, the lady wanted to format windows while she was trying to use it. The agent kept trying to explain to her that you CAN NOT format while inside windows.

She then starts arguing with the agent saying that yes you can, that she works for NASA and knows more about computers than he does. By this time, I'm laughing and wondering what this lady is smoking and how the heck did she get a job with NASA if she is this stupid.

The agent tells me that it gets better. The reason why she wants to format is... *drum roll* she can't keep the password box checked when trying to dial to the internet! It keeps reverting back to unchecked.

How, please tell me how, these people can keep down a job and earn the money for a $3000 computer?!

And my rant is over until the next time. And Michael, have you written any more stories to here? I've got to read them if you have. *grins* Glad we finally had the time to play euchre and see lindsay. *blows kisses*

Saved by a....... USER!
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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This tale goes back to my first days at work in an IT-department, Since then I've been in the business for many years and, like the rest of you have stupid users. However it's allways good to remember they're not all stupid.

I was just starting work, my 3rd day. Was assembling a large amount of pc's, didn't have an office yet so I was in the auxillery serverroom (too many servers to fit in the serverroom). servers all around me. I'd taken some of the servers keyboards amd stacked so I had a bit of space to work on. Now this particular day was the first one I was alone on the post, boss off overseas, assistant with him. I was quite happy.. jsut about to test a pc, when the lights went off, not a big problem as it was summer.... but then came the PPIIIIIIuuuuuuuuu..... PPIIIIIuuuuuuu.... PPIIIIuuuuu.... sound around me... something was NOT right.. the servers was spinning down around me!! I tore the door open to our serverroom, took a quick peek at the 2 big Supermax servers with the ups nestled nicley in-between.. It was on... screaming power faliure, but holding on 100% battery.

The Supermax computers powers a unnamed goverments systems, and are quite important.

They where SHUTTING DOWN, 16 fans in the top of each where slowly winding down..

I must say I panniced just a tad.

Anyhow.. turns out the power cords where connected to the outlets and not the UPS.. DOOOOOH

Tons of developers and users start to call, and wander in, me having NO answers.. cept in a very small voice "ehh the power's out?!"

Now the power came back quite quickly, and the 2 Supermax's apparently had a built in 1min UPS each, hence the last to die, cause they where shutting down properly.

This one of the users(developer, with nasty beard, sandals, wild hair, greasy glasses and a foul odor) informed me. Hurray hte eagleeyed user had spotted the letters UPS at the bootom for the supermax cabinet. As the power came on.. and servers started booting, he positioned himself at a console of the supermax.. Great! now idiot geek wants to fondle it. I gracefully told him to stand back .. while I dashed to the safe to pickup the password for all the stupid boxes requiring it for boot. Asked the secretary where it was:

she: the what???? (dumb look)

me: the list of passwords for the machines, for emergency?

she: we dont mess with the it department's stuff...

me: THE SAFE PLEASE...

she: duh there... (pointing to a room).

I tear open the door, only to find 6 MASSIVE safes, all open, all containing TONS of paper...

I trundle back to the serverroom and enter the 2 passwords I know.. and are actually able to do... nothing..

Greasy user still standing next to supermax..

we now have 2 out of approx 24 servers running, the rest either bogged down or demanding restart passwords.

me: I HATE UNIX...

nerd: well they ARE a BIT old some of them...

me: Is it normal for xxx (admin) to have his cell phone turned off????

nerd: mmm yes.. since the secretary put it on the phone list.. users call him all the time..

me: damn havent got the passowords to start em..

nerd: lemme have a go, im super user on a few of them.. maby I can use mine..

me: duh.. ok..

The geek the proceeds to try sevral passwords.. I counted more than 10.. until the individual servers started booting..

when done I asked the user how he had the passwords..

well I just tried the old ones..

Upon returning i spoke with tha admin about it, adn it turn out he degraded root passwords to superuser, and added a new one for the vital systems first... made it easy'er to remember...

Jeppe

Microsoft Golf
Posted 07/01/2001 by Arklier
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When I first started working for Microsoft as a Windows 2000 tech, the call center I worked at had supported certain games as well as Windows 95 and 98 up until they got the Win2K project and moved games support to another location. This wasn't my personal experience, but one of the techs that had worked on games and was still there after having transferred to OS support relayed it to me.

Apparently he had worked on the graveyard shift, and every Friday night without fail for about 4 months there would be this guy that would call in late at night. The customer's problem was he would sit down to play Microsoft Golf, and have a few beers, until he would be so drunk that he could no longer play the game. Then he would call tech support to have us help him 'fix' it. Getting this call was every technician's nightmare, as he would also be too drunk to follow instructions, and even though there was nothing wrong with the game, the calls would take hours. Finally it got to the point where every time this guy called, they would just transfer him straight to the supervisor, who would tell him to sober up and call back the next day. He never called back. I wonder if he even remembered calling tech support in the morning?

Spooky Problem
Posted 07/01/2001 by Callee Eyestone
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I am the Lead Technician for Charter Communications' High Speed Data Department. We take tech calls for the Pipeline Cable Modems. Just recently I received this escalated call:

Me: Thank you for calling Charter Communications Pipeline Department. This is Callee. How can I help you?

Customer (VERY Upset): Ever since you installed that Cable Modem thingy my computer shuts down or starts up at random!

Me: Ma'am, Nothing in our cable modem would cause random start ups or shut downs on your computer.

Customer: Well, it only started doing it after you installed that modem!

Me: Well Ma'am, we can certainly double check your settings and connections, but I just want you to know that we really don't have any way to start up and shut down your computer from our cable modem.

Customer: Alright, let's check the settings then.

We proceed to go through the settings and find nothing amiss.

Me: Well, ma'am, that was it. You may want to contact a computer repair store to address the random start ups and shut downs. I am very sorry that I was unable to help you with this.

Customer (sounding contrite): Well, just so you know, I don't really think it is your modem doing it. You see, last February my mother died in a nursing home. She told me that if I ever let her die in a nursing home she would come back to haunt me. Well, the computer is in her old bedroom, so I think her ghost is just turning the computer off and on randomly to get back at me for letting her die in a nursing home. I was just trying to eliminate the possibility of it being the modem. I guess I'm going to have to call someone else.

Me (disbelief and humor are warring within me at this point. Should I laugh or scream?): Well, Ma'am, I'm afraid that is definitely outside of my realm of expertise. I am sorry about your mother's death and wish that I could have helped you with this a bit more. Thank you for calling Charter and good luck with getting this problem resolved.

A small collection
Posted 07/01/2001 by Graham
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Having worked in support for some years, I have come across some real classics

"The bulb in my monitor has gone, can you come and fit a new one?"

---------------------------------------

"I was customising my desktop and now I cannot read any of the text"

Guess what! They had set it to white text on a white background.

A few months later I encountered black text on a black background.

----------------------------------------

"This mouse you provided me with is rubbish, it's unusable"

So I attended and found them using a trackball upside down. Honest!

-----------------------------------------

"I have a problem with my new laptop, I cannot double click anything"

The guy did have the grace to look horribly embarrased when we pointed out the two buttons underneath the touchpad.

And the real killer was that this guy was the team leader of a group of developers.

------------------------------------------

"My PC is dead, cannot get it to do anything at all"

Turned out, it was turned off.

Irate user replies "Well it wasn't me that turned it off"

------------------------------------------

Me with new user "You use the mouse to point at items on the screen"

User picks up mouse and literally points it at the screen.

------------------------------------------

And finally..........

In a company that dumped any problem they could onto I.T. dept. no matter how tenuous the link with computers.

"My laptop is in the boot of my car, please send someone to bring it to my office"

Grr.

Unfortunately a company director, so colourful suggestions were not suitable.

Factory Floor
Posted 07/01/2001 by Anonymous Tech Supporter
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I worked for a furniture manufacturing company who installed PC's & printers on the shop floor, we had two amazing calls:

Foreman: This computer will not open the order system.

Me: Is is connected (I go through all the usual questions)

Foreman: Yes its switched on every thing is connectcted correctly.

I then go down for a look, when I trace the network cable I find it is connected correctly, but that the cable has been cut & TIED back together....

Next week:

Charge hand (Foreman on leave): This printer wont print.

Me: Is it plugged in etc.

CH: Its plugged in, got paper in it & the ready light is on.

I stroll down to find the one piece of info he neglected to tell me. It had been crushed by a fork lift truck, but the ready light was on!

No Title
Posted 07/01/2001 by Tom Whitfield
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One day while working tech support at a telecom/ISP (now out of business), I received the following call from an internal user.

Me: Tech support, this is Tom. How can I help you?

User: Hi. I'm having a problem with my mouse. My cursor is in the center of my screen, and I need to move it to the left of my screen, but my mouse is all the way to the left side of my mouse pad and if I move it any further, it'll fall off the mouse pad.

Me: You're kidding, right?

User: No, I'm serious. I can't move it any farther to the left.

Me: Ok. Physically pick up your mouse and move it to the center of your mouse pad, then put it back down.

User: (long pause) You think I'm stupid, don't you?

Me: (trying not to laugh) Sir, that's why I'm here.

Tales From Technical Support Index

Tales from the Techs
July 2001
  1. No Title

  2. Power strips are He!!

  3. Diary

  4. No Support!

  5. Spell Check - Whazzat???

  6. Rancid stack of rhino dung

  7. Nothing's changed

  8. Desktop Found

  9. No Title

  10. Job preperation

  11. No Title

  12. Save me....

  13. The squirrel

  14. You will have good discount!

  15. When the light goes on!!!!

  16. Umm, mom, look down...

  17. It never stops....

  18. Password trouble

  19. No Title

  20. Missing email

  21. Can I get a cable thingy?

  22. The inkjet guru

  23. Are you a computer expert?

  24. "My husband played Netwk Admin"

  25. Can you find My brother?

  26. We won't support it, no matter HOW many times you call.

  27. "But it worked when my uncle had it!"

  28. ...yet I'm the stupid one?

  29. "Is that 'write' or 'right'?"

  30. "Why won't it take my password? I put a new modem in!"

  31. "freezed" out of email.

  32. Please keep your lies straight.

  33. "Well, isn't my password stored in RAM somewhere?"

  34. LISTEN ALREADY!!

  35. Business Machines???

  36. Webpage Updating?

  37. No Title

  38. Sad install techs...

  39. THE STICKERED CARTRIDGE

  40. Training the support peope

  41. Monitor needs ink

  42. SneakerNet

  43. Free shares

  44. The Only Thing Worse Than Clueless Users

  45. Computer Store Advice

  46. Backlash I mean Backslash

  47. Err... Green Button???

  48. It Says What?!?

  49. Static DHCP? / Send that tech / Oops

  50. what password?

  51. SPACE Cadet

  52. Right Click Horror

  53. The Modem

  54. Strippers are the dumbest species

  55. MCSE my A$$

  56. Printing woes

  57. Who's That Lady

  58. I didn't know our software could do THAT!!

  59. is it working or networking???

  60. Boat Man likes hold music

  61. You supply tech support for WHAT!!!

  62. The 3 Year Virus.

  63. Too much of a good thing?

  64. Sewing Machine

  65. Moving files

  66. What did they Expect??

  67. Superman

  68. yet another clueless tech

  69. Famous Last Words

  70. Details...

  71. what help?

  72. Cheeseburger

  73. Broken Monitor

  74. Ten-dot-zero-dot-huh??

  75. Good People

  76. Click on MY COMPUTER...

  77. The I is an L

  78. Free Cable Internet

  79. I Love My Mom but...

  80. Reset actually DOES something... wow!

  81. User Account

  82. Coffee Mate...

  83. You surf how?

  84. What is this round thingie?

  85. Two TV Tales

  86. What's in a name?

  87. Does it have to be on?

  88. No Title

  89. I need to schedule a rotation...

  90. Come again?

  91. Its 3 am and do you know what your computer is DOING??

  92. What to do now?

  93. redtech

  94. Counting

  95. TechnoVampire

  96. Help Desk Analyst

  97. Can't login...

  98. Do your little business!

  99. He who knows all, still get's caught out

  100. And they let this man *teach*?

  101. Emergency Mice

  102. Fax machine calls Cleo

  103. The Miraculous Inkless Scanner/Printer

  104. dashboard or keyboard?

  105. virus

  106. Sure, let me wave my magic wand and...

  107. Grrrr....

  108. No Title

  109. Read only = Only read.... doesn't it?

  110. Our dumb coworker

  111. Dot

  112. "I can't connect"

  113. Funny way to page number

  114. sent emails

  115. university woes

  116. i'm invincible...

  117. Worst story opening line

  118. Poor Baby

  119. Daily Server Crash

  120. Kill 'em all!

  121. porn and more porn...

  122. The "No Password" password

  123. Of mice and men.

  124. Is This A Virus?

  125. No Title

  126. Shaved Video Card

  127. Yell at it!

  128. Think Fast...

  129. No Title

  130. CompuJerks, Part 1

  131. Pulling the plug

  132. Space Aliens

  133. Tecnician

  134. TITS on my screen

  135. Drive Me Crazy

  136. Weeks 1 to 3 are missing

  137. My Disk Won't Load

  138. The day I finally lost it

  139. Users - Can't Live With Them, Can't shoot them

  140. Screen Savers

  141. The power of trainees

  142. The inept tech...

  143. One line & Two lines

  144. Faster Dialup

  145. MY Fault

  146. Thanks for the Memory

  147. Spelling

  148. Just one usual day!

  149. Internet problems or just dumb user?

  150. i wanna chat

  151. The good old 5 1/4 inch "CD" drive

  152. Where the Sun Don't Shine

  153. I cant open this damn loveletter...

  154. Go find the box your computer came in...

  155. Right click?

  156. password or brain problem?

  157. New Processors

  158. throw it out the window

  159. The fine art of self-humiliation

  160. Tech Support, by the book.

  161. Easy words...

  162. Support Officer

  163. tale of two printers

  164. What OS was that again?

  165. No Title

  166. Why don't they listen?

  167. Two Lessons Learned

  168. (l)users .... I ask you

  169. No Title

  170. Can I kill this person please.............

  171. A real blow-up

  172. Cleaning up that C drive

  173. But it can't be a virus....

  174. How do you like your CPU?

  175. Running a bit hot

  176. "our internet dont work"

  177. Excuse me? You want to do what?!

  178. Saved by a....... USER!

  179. Microsoft Golf

  180. Spooky Problem

  181. A small collection

  182. Factory Floor

  183. No Title

Past Tales from the Techs:
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