Funny and Humorous Technical Support Tales and Stories

I've worked both customer service and helpdesk, and this is one of the stories from the days of being a CSR...

I was working CSR for a large power company in the midwest, and the calls that day had just been horrible, people calling and screaming at me that their power had been shut off and they'd never seen any notices. (They never do.) We had the option to set up payment schedules, but they all wanted to scream at me for a while, and when they found out I couldn't go over to the 'magic board' and switch on their power (like we'd do that for non-paying customers), they wanted to speak to my supervisors. Which meant I'd put them on hold, transfer the call, and take another horrible call.

Well, at one point in the evening I got a call from one guy who'd received the first notice (this company sends three) and was very alarmed. He knew he was behind on his bill, but couldn't afford to pay it all at once. When he found out I could set up a payment schedule, he grasped at the chance like a drowning man gasping for air. It was a very pleasant call, and I found myself with a pleasant glow inside me as I hung up. "Gee," I thought to myself, "That guy was great, not like all the other morons who've been calling..."

The next call started fairly similar, until I brought up their account... and told the caller I had to put them on hold. Then fell on the floor, I was laughing so hard. My floor supervisor came over and asked if everything was all right, and I had to explain the story to them, then show them the customer name on the account.

The caller's last name was MORONI.

Call in a friendly small company from a known muppet.

User: I can't print my document

Me: Does it come up with any errors?

U: Oh, it babbles something about a spoiler - I just clicked OK. I just want it fixed.

M: Have you tried rebooting the PC?

U: That's what you ALWAYS say!

M: Then why havn't you done it?

U: errr ... no. Why do you tell us to do it anyway?

M: Because 90% of the time it works, can you reboot for me please?

U: (mumbles) I don't know why we have tech support - *I* can tell people to reboot

{Whirrrr} {tap tap tap} {whirr} {BEEP!} {Whirrr} {tappety tap tap} {Briiiiiing beep beep}

M: Can you please try and print again

U: (pause) Oh, It's working now

M: Good Good

I suppose it is better than the type of user that lies to you and says they have tried everything you suggest - forcing you to get up and actually *GO* to their computer

Being a tech supporter myself I often find it quite amusing when I have to call tech support myself.

The worst support I ever received concerned the conversion of my phone line from PSTN to ISDN (some years ago). To save money I chose a DIY-solution.

The phone company made the conversion as planned, and I started setting up the NT box and TA. I reconnected the existing wiring in the house to the new system, configured the TA and so on. So far so good.

Nothing works. No dial tone.

I check the entire configuration once more. Everything seems ok. I turn everything off and on again. Same result. After a few hours of trying everything I finally call the tech support of the phone company, and ask them to run a diagnostic on the line. The supporter insists on talking me through setting up the entire thing all over again, checking every cable and configuration option before running a diagnostic on the line. "The line is fine, the problem must be on your end - perhaps the wiring inside your house".

I live in an old house with old wiring, so I decide to replace the phone wire going to the NT box.

Still no dial tone. Nothing. Phone company is still insisting the line is good.

After several days of struggle (including forcing my way in to the locked box outside my house to test if my wiring is ok, and countless support calls) I give up and ask the phone company to send a technician, as this problem is now beyond my mental capacity.

The technician finds the problem after 2 hours of testing.

Me: What was wrong?

Tech: Well.. that's complicated... But it's ok now.

Me: I would really like to know what was wrong. Was it my wires?

Tech: No. Your wiring was fine. It was something else.

Me: OK, So I won't be billed for this visit?

Tech: No.

-- looking silently at each other for about 20 seconds --

Me: Look, sir, I have spent MANY hours getting this to work. I have a feeling that i'm on your phone supports' "wall of shame" or "stupid-user-of-the-year-awar

d-list". Would you PLEASE tell me what was wrong!?

Reluctantly he tells me that the phone company had made the conversion to the wrong house address, thus leaving my line totally dead and an other mans' line useless to him.

AAARRRGGGHHHHHH!!

I work in the IS department of a large restaurant company. I few months ago I was helping one of our support techs with a call from someone in the field. We kept telling him to press the "start" button on the taskbar. The caller informed us that nothing was happening. We figured the pc must be locked up. After having the caller reboot the pc, we again had the same result. So I asked, "Is the mouse working at all? Can you click on any anything?". The callers reply . . . are you ready . . . "Oh, you want me to use the mouse?"

Yes, that's right. We told him to "press" the start button. We never said click it with the mouse. He was using his finger to press the start button on the screen - um, no, we don't have touchscreens!!

I've been reading the archives, just to make sure this one isn't in here already, and so far I haven't found it. Hope you guys find this as amusing as I did.

A couple of years back I was having my front porch rebuilt, and when the guys took a break, the conversation drifted to computers. One of the gentlemen informed me that he was starting to think they had a ghost the machine at his house, as without anyone being near the computer it would suddenly decide to dialup and connect.

Now, at the time, my only 'training' was in general office software. I also did a little hardware exchange, but only on my old backup system. Heck, I kept it just to learn what Not to do to my new system. That was also the same system on which I was teaching myself the necessary settings, relying on my reinstall disc's to undo any serious goofs. Seemed to have helped... I can follow directions from most Tech's, and know better than to just assume that it Always needs the reinstall to fix errors. All in all, that just makes me a glorified user. But not a competely ignorant one.

I stopped, thought a moment, and asked him, does it happen randomly, or at a specific time every day.

A few variations thereof, and he told me that, yes, it generally did happen about the same time every day.

I chuckled and told him that most likely someone had put a web page under favorites, and then not knowing any better, had told it to syncronize daily.

Sure enough, the next day when the men returned to finish the work, he said that was indeed the problem, and thanked me for saving them a trip to the computer shop.

Somewhere, there should be a tech thanking me for saving him another pebkac call.

I work at a computer shop, one of the small places with only 3 staff.

One day while doing my stuff, my mobile rings.

This isn't unusual; my sister often wants to do something or other for her college graphics projects.

Me: Hello

Her: Do you do coloured paper at your shop?

Me: Not sure, I'll have a look. What colours do you want?

Her: Black.

Me: Black printer paper?

Her: Yeah, I'm doing a project printing on different coloured papers.

Me: how are you going to print on black?

Her: Easy! I'm going to print in white!

Me: How do you print in white?

Her: Easy, in word you select all the text and change the colour to white!

Me: Uhm, this is on the black and white inkjet?

Her: Yes

Me: Can you see why it won't work?

Her: I thought about it, but then I thought: It prints the white bits in photos doesn't it?

Me: *laughing too much now* nope, it just doesn't print on the WHITE paper

Her: Don't laugh at me!

Me: *tells the other engineer*

A user was on the phone with our laptop support tech, and he was walking her through some steps and was requesting her to go to the shortcut menu on the mouse :

Tech: "Please right click your mouse & you should see a shortcut menu pop up"

User: *user is typing something* "nothing is happening"

Tech: "Hmmm, did you right click on your mouse"

Userr: " I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME , I WROTE CLICK"

Tech: "Hold on please" holds back laughter "no maam, see on your mouse, there are 2 buttons, one on the left & one on the right"

User: " Oh, OK" "oh yea , now i see the menu, but you did tell me to write click"

Tech: "OK maam"

This was while I was supporting DSL connections

Me: Thank you for calling... blah blah blah How may I help you?

Cu: My internet connection isn t working.

Me: Are you in front of your computer now?

Cu: No. It s not connected but I know the internet isn t working.

Me: Do you have a dial tone on the DSL phone line?

Cu: Well... Ummm... I don t know. I m calling from a payphone down the street from the office because there was a storm here and lightning hit our building. It fried everything that was plugged in. Our TV s, computers, the whole PBX phone system. There s still smoke coming from the top of the building.

Me: I hope you have insurance.

I read one similar hear and it reminded me of the time this happened to me.

Running a multi-CD game (4 disks), everything's fine. After a while, the game tells me to insert disk 3. About a minute later the CD drive gets a LOT louder before making a sound like a gun. After climbing from behind the chair I opened the CD drive to find the disk had shattered in the drive.

After tipping the drive up (to get all the bits out) it still wouldn't work again. I reasoned that since it was out of warranty anyway I had no reason not to invalidate it. After slicing through the "Warranty Void If Damaged" seals and fighting with the fifteen screws (!) I eventually got the drive open.

Quite impressivly, a piece of the shattered disk had sliced part way through the ribbon cable from the lens and was wedged there.

I was doing some work on one computer in our office when I was hailed urgently by another user.

I came over, and have seen a printing error message on the screen. "What's wrong with the printer?" I asked. "It's so odd," she said, "the moment I'm turning it on all it does is switching off."

I took a look at this old printer and saw nothing wrong, so I asked her to try in again. She stretched her self to the on/off button, switched the printer on, and the immidiately switched it off as she withdrew her hand. "You see," she said mournfully, "that's all there's to it".

I turned the printer on - and surprisingly enough, it stayed on. "How did you do it?" she asked, "Was there something wrong with the cable?"

"Erm... yes, there was. It's alright now." I said and walked away quickly...

Working for a wide area network support desk, I have to deal with people from all over the country. Unfortunately I get a call from one of our remote office support people who lives up to the stereo type of their northeast state. The woman has had a tree stuck up her behind for over 15 years and she immediate displayed it when she called.

Nobody was able to communicate to the central office. I checked out the router and switch and can't see anything immediately wrong. I continue to investigate while she repeats to me, it would be fine to immediately escalate this to higher support. I know it ticks her kinds off when I tell her to please wait while I investigate. After 10 minutes, she becomes insistant that I escalate the issue. She says she needs a 'miracle'.

Knowing she has no sense of humor, I saw this as a good opportunity and say very calmly and straight faced, "Ok, well, I will have to call God and ask him to look at it. I'll call you back when I get a response". Of course I got someone human involved to solve the issue but for once she did not have a comeback to my comment.

Years ago I worked for a consultant that installed Novell networks. This story is not ammusing but humorous and will be absolutely true.

We install network with 20 or so computers. All new. One gentleman had problems with his mouse. He was very patient during this whole process and never lost his cool. Although his boss was another matter.

He called to solve a problem with his mouse. It would randomly stop working. The obvious first solution was to replace the mouse. But after replacing the mouse 3 times we took other avenues. We reinstalled the mouse driver. Then the operating system, both several times.

Back to hardware, we replaced the motherboard. Then the system. Then every component he had. Yet the problem persisted. This all occured over the span of 6 weeks.

The problem was always random and we never could find a commonality to it. Finally while discussing this with other techs, one college guy earned his paycheck. He tells us the mouse is an FCC device. (look on the bottom, no joke) And if we follow the rule that random problems are environmental, then it has to be something else near the computer.

I go back to the office the next day. The gentleman gives me that, 'Oh, taking another stab at it' look. I carefull followed the mouse and find its cord run right next to his phone. He confirms he has had it setup this way since the start cause he likes the mouse on that side. I ran the mouse the other way around the PC.

Four weeks later and the problem never came back. Absolutely true!

I was doing support for a internet giant. I was a rescue tech which ment I was the last tech they contacted before they canceled. This was back in the days of 98 firts edition when 8 gig drives were huge. I got a call from a writer, she was frustrated with her new PC the screen went blank and she did not know why. I ask what she had done . Well she said she was a writer and needed a lot of room on her drive and deleted everything out of the PC except her internet service and office and IE. that was a long call we reloaded office while she told me about how degreeded she was. I thought colleghe made you smart , wht happend?

Many years ago i worked at the IT support center at the govermental road administration in North Norway. We had recently uppgradet from terminals to PC.

People had to learn how to use a mouse to do their work at the new PC. One guy called me and said he had to have a larger work desk, because he did not reach down to to left corner of the screen with his mouse pointer.

I do not need to say what i ansvered him, but directly after the phone call i fetched up å broken mouse from the dustbin. With a knife and a hammer i did cut the mouse in half, whereupon i sent this smaller mouse with the internal post to the guy. Maybe he could use this mouse....?

Thorbjorn

Some years ago i worked at a IT support center in Norway. One guy called me with som troble on his DOS based PC program. I don't remember what the problem was, but i told him to press enter (enter is enter also in Norwegian).

Nothing happened, and i told him to press enter one more time. Still nothing happened.... I asked him what's on the screen....?

He answered me that on his screen he could read:

enter enter....

Thorbjorn

Don't you love it when non-IT departments insist on doing jobs you just know they should have let you do? here's a great example:

Our Accomodation team are responsible for the building we work in and all it's fittings. We recently expanded the office by putting in 20 extra desks and so they duly took on the job. When we (the IT team) asked about the network cabling to these new desks qwe were told that they would deal with it.

So the contractors came in this weekend. Lots of nice new floorboxes, all wired up to a nice new patchbay. 24 new PBX sockets for our telephony system had appeared. No new Switch to plug the data side into however. I stroll up to the accomodation manager and ask when the new Switch will turn up.

"What's a Switch?" he asks.

Upshot is I have 12 users who have been reseated in the new section who can't connect to the network. I have managers running around like mad ants trying to work out who should take responsibility and who should fix it and how. Maybe next time they will let us sort out the IT eh?

Network Admin = me

company receptionist = slack-jawed apewoman

ceo and chairman of the board = PHB

CEO/Chairman is CLUELESS, but the receptionist is just plain dumb, bordering on retarded, and i don't mean she's late.

There's something wrong with her face and head: horrible scars from some unmentioned high-speed car accident i wager: she looks like Dr. Frankenstein's fscking monster! and her ears are NOT level with each other: one is at least 1.5 inches higher! Plus she dresses like its '85, with spandex tights, and baggy sweaters and calf-high boots of cheap vinyl! goddamn, she looks like shit. AND she wears 80s makeup too: waaaaaaay too much blue eyeshadow, huge red blobs of rouge on her sagging cheeks and smothers herself in rank perfume: uugghhhh! she's disgusting on so many levels, its actually fun to hate her and find things to mock when having ten pints and a curry at the pub. Why does the company put this piece of work at the front desk greeting pholks and answering fones???

Anyway, she consistently calls me, ME, not the helldesk non-techs, but the network admin of all peepul, with dumb-ass problems. I mostly refuse to help her but when she says "the network is down" i sort of have to respond and check it out. Invariably though her POS comp is non-functional or she fukt it up, but of course it is NOT her fault. 99% of the time she calls to say the 'network is down' she simply needs to restart, the dumb ape.

It gets better: now she says "the server is down" whenever ANYTHING goes wrong with her computer. And I can't convince her that its not the server: like i wouldn't notice it was down: christ, i live on that server (gotta love ssh and root access!)

this is the kicker though, happened this morning, and now i want to put my head into a vice and squeeze out the memory of her stupidity.

she called the helldesk repeatedly for help but got no succour from those fools. i walk by (my mistake) and she grab

s me by the arm: "you gotta help me!" she pleads.

me: okay, what now.

luser: my windows close on their own and i can't work on anything

me: show me

luser: look at this, she says and she proceeds to open a folder window. then she clicks on the close widget, yes the red fscking X widget in the top right corner of the WinXP window and says: "look, the window closed! I HATE my computer, it never works."

me: whaaaa?

luser: i need to work right away Mr. CEO asked me for something or other...

me: walk away in shock

she's been here forever and has used XP since day one.

kill me now...

operator

end of line

I had a call from a user that wanted to apply the latest update for our software, which they can get by downloading from our site. As soon as they click on the link, they are presented with the normal options that Microsoft Internet Explorer gives (open this program or save to disk). In order to apply it, the program needs to be closed, so we always recommend saving the program to disk.

This one lady calls because when she tries to run the update, it says that the program is in use. She gets this message because she left the program open and she chooses OPEN instead of SAVE THIS PROGRAM TO DISK (Mind you, this is a MICROSOFT INTERNET EXPLORER message). I explained to her that she needs to choose SAVE THIS PROGRAM TO DISK. She says that she doesn't have a disk. I explained to her that by SAVING TO DISK, she can choose her DESKTOP, that it doesn't have to be a floppy disk.

She responds by saying well I wish you would change that for dummies like me. I tried to explain to her that it's a Microsoft error, but she keeps on insisting that we change it. So to humor her, I said, "Ok, I'll tell our developers."

Anyone have Microsoft's number?

I worked in a small tech support office in the back of, get this, a Reality Office in a town with fewer people than could fit into a medium sized hotel. It was a nice, job though because I loved working with computers so much, and, as my uncle was the owner, no stress from management. One day, I was working on a web-page and a guy came in who ALWAYS came in with trouble. Jordan, he says, I can't get spaces in my emails. I've been having to press tab, then backspace backspace backspace etc... I immediately started thinking about keyboard errors and such, but the first thing I asked him was if his spacebar was just stuck or something. His reply: "Spacebar?" Sitting at my computer, I tap the space bar and say, "Yeah, this little guy down here" To which he replies: "OH! That's what that does!" It really happened.

I work for a telecomunications group for tech support-this happend to me 5 month´s ago'this lady call me in need for set in up her cp we did all the trouble shooting'helper with the set up'at the end when we finished'i had the mistake to tell her that she was all set up that all she needed to do was double click on the explorer and she was al set-well gest what then came this silence i'm all helo Ma'am re you there-she then says i don´t have a explorer!what is a explorer?

I'm a library tech and I have two computers for library use. I had one in my office with my library automation program (at the time I was cataloguing the collection and it was easier to have the books piled out of site in my office--less shifting to do), and our area tech had hooked up an external burner for me to burn cd backups of my data. I also had a comp on my front desk that I used for email and day to day tasks. I found out, late in the game, that my library program was a single user license, which meant when I wanted to get up and running with automated book sign out that I'd need that office comp out front.

Now, I consider myself to have a few clues about computer tech stuff, so when I was close to being ready to go "live" with the automated system, I decided to switch the cpu's--the one in my office went out on my front desk and the front desk comp went into my office. I had hooked everything up, including the burner, and it seemed to be working okay.

It was about a week or so later that one of the teachers tried to burn a cd and it wouldn't work. I hadn't used it yet, as I hadn't changed any data in my library program. I checked, it was plugged in, power was on, I couldn't see the problem. I then noticed that the ready light wasn't coming on, and that when I unhooked the cable from the burner to went to the cpu, that the ready light would come on. I knew there was an extra burner/cable in the area computer tech's office, so I went and grabbed that. I changed the cable, changed the burner...I was getting really pissed off, and was about ready to give up and go leave a note for our tech (who only comes in once a week). Then, I looked at where the cable was plugged into the back of the cpu. I had it plugged into the printer port. I felt sooo stupid. Once I plugged the burner into the correct port, it worked like a charm. Go figure!

When our tech came in I told him what had happened, and that I'd plugged it into the wrong port. He looked at me strangely and said, "It doesn't f

it into anywhere else."

I replied, "Oh, yeah. It fits into the printer port." He laughed (which I deserved!) and said, "It happens to everyone." I think he was trying to make me feel better. It's not just the users who make dumb mistakes...

ME: Ok mam type in 8360200 no spaces or dashes.

Customer: Are those capital numbers or small ones?

1st Call from today;

Call is about 15 mins in. Done preliminary investigations, found out it's our software that sucks and tell him we'll have to contact him so I then asked him the following;

"Do you have an email address?"

"Yes,"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"er, hello?"

"yes what?"

"So can I have your email address?"

2nd Call from today (and one we are all familiar with, but always a good one ;))

"It says it can't read from drive D" (yeah u know what's coming)

"Ok can you double click on My Computer?"

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Hello?"

"Yes hold on i'm just putting the disk in the drive"

(AAARRGGHHH!!)

"[deep breath] Well how are you going to install it without the cd in the drive"

"rambles something not worth remembering and then... Oooh it works now, that's very odd?"

"Yes that's very odd isn't it."

sigh...

I wish this was my first call. I am pretty adventurous...This lady calls up our tech support helpline and, starts off with,"Hello, can you please tell me what is wrong with my computer. I can't play music on my computer...I have just bought my computer yesterday, and whenever I try to play a CD...as soon I put in a CD, it stops.

ME:: Could you please explain?

????

????

After lots of troubleshooting, and one hour she finds out her computer is upside down.....

I'm not really a tech support person as such but we do use computers where I study and one day a rather attractive girl in one of my classes came to me with a problem with her hard drive. She told me that she could no longer fit anymore files onto her computer and she needs a bigger computer. So I asked her if she had cleaned her temp files and cleared recycle bin and run a disk clean up.

She told me she didn t know how to do it so I went into her comp and had a look and I looked at the hard drive sizes and noticed that she had still 14 GB left on her 20 GB hard drive.

So I asked her why she thought it s was full and then she told me "go onto the file section" after a small amount of confusion I realized she meant her desktop so I had a look and she turned to me and said "See its all full, I cant fit anymore onto it".

She had put all her files and icons on her desktop. So I smoothly increased the resolution and said to her come get me when it gets full again.

So i reboot my computer, and due to some sort of hardware conflict, my keyboard drivers get deleted...

obviously, my puter couldn't resist the temptation to give me the Blue Screen of Death.

Luckily, Microsoft had the answer. On rebooting after BSOD, Windows detected the error and solved all my problems.

"Keyboard drivers not detected. It is recommended that you reinstall these drivers. Install? (Y/N)"

oh dear.

Here's a problem submitted by one of our clients-

"Myspacebarbarely works. Sometimes Ihavetohititfivetimestowork.(Ihititeverytimeinthis sentence It workedfine beforeChristmas. Now not!"

This doesn't really apply as a tech tale, but it fits right in.

I worked for a large call-in centre, supporting a well-known brand of printers. I had a very nice lady call in who was installing the printer on a new computer and getting a very common error, due to using the CD for the wrong Operating System.

When I found that the printer was out of warranty, I was forced to tell her that I would need to charge her for support.

She didn't want to pay, and I didn't really feel right charging her for the support, so I told her, "Unfortunately, I can't give you free support. If you would like to check the label on the CD by yourself you can do that, but in order to trouble-shoot, I will need to charge you."

"You can't charge me. I shouldn't have to pay for the support. I'm just installing the printer on another computer."

"Mrs. XXX, I cannot trouble-shoot your problem. I cannot even CHECK THE LABEL ON THE CD TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE PUT THE RIGHT CD INTO THE COMPUTER without charging you."

"Well, if you're going to be that way about it, I'm just going to stop buying *brand name* printers!"

SD: Hello Supportdesk

User: Why is LPT1 not working?

SD: Well, what is the message on the screen

User: Let me try again. The message says: Printing document ... could not take place while the device at LPT 1 is not pressent

SD: Have you had the laptop removed from the desk?

User: Yes and I put everything in place again

SD: Have you realy put in al the cables back where they came from?

User: No I have left out one, The color of the cable didn't match the color of the laptop.

SD: Please re-attach the cable to the laptop

with sound of starting deskjet printer on the background

User: Yes it works, I have solved the problem all by my self

At that moment I just hung up the phone

My first tale. It's not much but still kind of funny.

I had a customer call in who was getting adsl installed.

She asked me if she needed a static ip for her telephone.

Had a request in from one of the IT Teachers to change the name of the common resources area. It currently sits on Tyrant (a clapped out old server) and its called support. There is a button on the top of the start menu giving quick access to it. I have Named it Tyrant Support

When I asked said IT teacher why he wanted the name changed he replied "It sends out negative vibes to the kids and encourages "hitlerism" "

I went to a closet Historian (he teaches RE, indian guy top geezer!) and asked him what images the words Tyrant Support conjoured up in his mind. His reply .

"A woman in suspenders"!!!!!

Surely the have poisoned the water here!

I have way too many horror stories to tell, I just wanted to voice my concern on the number of calls i recieve daily from no brain, no common sense, jerk offs. I work for a call center where we provide technical support for small ISPs and dsl support for hotels across the US. First, the hotel guest, the majority of guest at the hotels are business travelers in town for meetings. They are usually clueless about technology and the internet and on top of that, they call into support with the nastiest attitudes. Now have had my share of calls from mom and pop in hill billy land, who dont know a computer from a whole in the wall, but the business user is a new ball game. On occassion I get a call from a so called network admin who doesnt know how to get the IP address. This type of call makes me really upset because I should have there job making lots more money. The guest who stay at the hotels are more arrogant and ignorant and demanding. Oh and the worst part is the more upscale hotels, they are worst. The people that work at the hotel are all about satisfying their guest, so when they call an outsourced support, they expect to get the same treatment. Sorry, its not happening. Finally, if I had to choose I would rather support dialup customers that the snooty, no brained hotel guest all day. Dont try to get help from the employees at the front desk, they are as clueless if not more than the guest. God forbid the company who installs the network also provide some training to the hotel staff..that would be a ludicrous. In conclusion, I have been in technical support for 3 years, that 3 years too many. As long as there are idiots in the world, there is always a need for technical support

This isn't really a tech support story, but i work as a scheduler for a handyman for hire type company so i talk to client's a lot, pretty much a nonstop customer service job. Anyway the other day I'm talking to this guy trying to set up an appointment for a bid, and I'm having the damndest time pinning him down. I talked to our guy sometime after this and he said the guy is kind of a hippie.

M = me

H = hippie

M: well the earliest i could get the guy out there would probably be monday at 9am, would that work for you?

H: (very slow and deliberate) well i'm not too sure if that'll work for me because me and my wife usually leave about quarter to 7..5..6 in the morning, at night.

M: ...i'm sorry could you repeat that?

H: monday at 9am should be fine.

haha, don't let the bong get cold there buddy.

Hi all. this is my first story for you. I have been doing computer tech off and on for some years. From basic stuff for small firms to large scale cable providers. I was working for a VERY large electronics company about 15 years ago and I had this one office that was always calling about something stupid. Most of the time it had to do with their new fancy printer. They would say that it wouldnt work. I would go up and find out it was unplugged or not turned on or even possible out of paper. Well one day I got a call to order them a new printer. I asked what was wrong with the old one and they told me that the return cartridge stops half way and wont go any farther. I asked them if they wanted me to look at it and they said "No, we are tired of the problems with it so we just want another" I asked if i could have the old one and they said yes. When I got the printer home I turned it on and sure enough the print head went half way and stopped. I opened the case and there, in the way of the print head, was the pager the boss had lost the day before. I returned the pager the next day and gave them thanks for my new printer.

As a tech support technician for a software company, we sometimes have to call back clients that asked for technical support.

One of the (many) things that frustrate me is if I call and the receptionist (or someone) answers. I tell them who I am and that I'm returning his/her call.

The receptionist will say NAME is not here. Can I take a message? As soon as I tell them who I am (again), he/she will say "Oh wait, let me get him/her for you."

This happened a few years back, in a well known computer firms tech support dept.

T-Tech C-Customer

C : My computer doesn't work, can you fix it for me?

T :

Can you take a look at the connections on the rear of the PC for me Sir?

C : No.

T : Why not ?

C : Its too dark.

T : Can you switch on a light ?

C : No !

T : Why not ?

C : We have a power cut at the moment.

T ....... !

Ok, this happened way back when 486 was the premium PC you could get, CD-ROMs were just being released, and viruses and anti-virus programs were just beginning to be popular. On a slow day, my group received a trouble call:

ME: Tech Support?

CALLER: Uh, yes. I have a couple of problems with my 486 Desktop

ME: Okay, what s the first problem?

CALLER: It s saying that I have the ____________ Virus

ME: Okay, unfortunately, I have to refer that problem to Communications Security (Comm Sec) , they handle viruses. How can I help with the second problem?

CALLER: My big floppy drive is jammed.

ME: Your 5.25 Inch Floppy Drive? I can help you out with that and will be out within the hour.

After taking all the rest of the info and transferred him to Comm Sec, I walked across the hall to Comm Sec

ME: Did you just the call from _________ ?

COMM SEC: Yea, I was just about to head out. You ready?

ME: Let s go!

So we both head out to the caller. I m breaking out my tools while my COMM SEC buddy is grilling the guy for getting a virus in the first place (There was no internet then, viruses spread by floppy discs!)

COMM SEC: Okay Sir, how long have you had this virus?

CALLER: Hmm, about two weeks.

I m thinking TWO WEEKS?!?!

COMM SEC: Okay, why haven t you reported this sooner?

CALLER: Well, I medicated it and waited to see if it got better.

COMM SEC: You ran an Anti-Virus Program? Which one did you use?

CALLER: A what-virus WHAT??

COMM SEC: You said you medicated it, I assume you ran some kind of program?

CALLER: I don t know any of that stuff. I told you, I gave it medicine.

Now by this time, I had put 2 and 2 together. We were in a MEDICAL SQUADRON!!!!

ME: Sir, when you mean medicine, do you mean like the kind people take when they re sick?

CALLER: Well what else are you going to fight a virus with????

Now

here s the surprising part both me and my buddy kept ourselves from laughing until AFTER we had left and set the poor guy straight! Turns out, he bent both the read/write heads in the 5.25 drive, and I had to give him a new drive. Our Tax dollars at work!

I work in a secure building. We have security guards manning a post in the lobby. Sometimes I think the users here are the most helpless people in the world.

Example: M=Me C=Caller

M: Helpdesk

C: Could I have the number to the security guards

downstairs so they can call 911?

M: What?

C: My coworker is on the floor curled up in a ball of pain

and I need the number for the security guards so they

can call 911.

M: Umm......why don't you call them?

C: I don't know the number for the security guards.

M: Umm........No.......why don't you call 911?

C: OK thank you.

I'm just glad that I was there to let him know it was OK for him to call.

I've been reading a number of tales where the tech support agent is laughing heartily when a customer suggests putting a keyboard in the diswasher. Well, let me tell you something - it works! My son spilt drink into his ancient HP keyboard. My husband pulled it apart, cleaned most of it off then put it into the top shelf of the dishwasher, with the connector on the outside, of course. That was six months ago and it still works. We end-users may not always be all the knowledgeable about computers and that is why we ask for help. Sometimes, though, we do have a good idea that doesn't come out of a manual. Listen to us occasionally instead of sneering at us and you might just learn something.

( By the way, I built said son's computer but I haven't the foggiest idea of how it works, I just know it does.)

It finally happened to me! I've been reading these tales for a while, and have been keeping my ears open for something to contribute. I needed to give access to on online account to my dad (who is quite intelligent, and good with computerts), so I was guiding him to the page over the phone, then started telling him my password.

Me: "Captial P, a..."

Dad: "Little a?"

Me: "Yeah, sorry, little a. Captial P, little a, 1, 2..."

Dad: "Little 1?"

Me (very smugly): "Little 1, Dad?"

Just got off the phone, talking to a new ISP customer. We finished setting up the new connection, and she asks me what happened to her call waiting. I informed her that that is a service you get through the local telephone company. She says that they had taken it off her account last week. So, that begs the question, why did she ask me?

Customer: I can't get my floppy disks I bought to go in upside-down!

Tech: They're not supposed to. Why do you want to do that?

Cust: The box says they're "double-sided".

The punchline is that I was that customer.