Tales From Technical Support Content
Back in 1996, I worked in Computer Services at a place beginning with K that is known for making copies. Well, our definition of Computer Services was making resumés, tri-fold brochures, etc. However, there were several times when people would come in with their own computers, thinking we could fix them. We mostly had Macs in the store, so that s what people usually brought in.
One guy, a middle-aged self-important business type, came in with two Powerbook 5300s: one new system, still in box, and one which had caught fire and burned to a slag state, with all his personal files on it. He wanted me to construct one magically non-incinerated 5300 with all his files on it, right there in the store. I had to tell him that we had neither the expertise nor the fairy dust to perform such an operation. The guy left in a huff and I never saw him again.
Another day, a pre-med student came in, carrying a Mac Plus in a laundry basket. He said his baby seemed to turn on but the screen stayed dark. Turns out the Plus had a particularly common loose connection that I had previously heard about, which could be momentarily remedied by squeezing the sizes of the case...squeeze firmly on both sides of the box, and the monitor would pop on. The guy spent about 10 minutes attempting to type while simultaneously squeezing the computer. I suggested that he have someone else squeeze the Plus long enough for him to transfer his files to another computer, but he said That wouldn t be a good long-term solution for me. He finally left after he managed to squeeze it with his elbows while typing with his hands sorta upside down, pointed at his chest...nevermind the mouse. I guess he found that long-term solution he was hoping for!
I got fired from that job after I defeated the security on my boss Linda s computer to run a Pov-Ray render after hours. Linda s computer was a Mac 8500 tower, the only Mac in the store that wasn t customer-accessible. Keep in mind, that the only reason I was using her 8500 instead of the customer-accessible 8500 is because she had prevously expressed paranoia that some power user might come in and need a midnight session on the big box. Such a situation had never occured; almost every customer used the slower machines because they cost less to use, and Computer Services was always dead after 8 PM.
As soon as she left one Friday evening, I fired up Pov-Ray on her computer, before her last session could time out (she could ve manually ended the session, which is where the actual security breach occured). The thing was, if the mouse was moved at all, Pov-Ray would conk out, and after about 5 minutes the session would time out and I wouldn t be able get back in without a password. So, I delicately flipped her mouse upside down (this is where I officially defeated security, according to Linda) to prevent some random slight vibration from killing Pov-Ray in my absence. I left later that evening, expecting to come in on Saturday afternoon to find a ray-traced chess board waiting for me. She was not supposed to be back in the store until Monday, and she d be none the wiser. Well, she unexpectedly came in on Saturday morning, found the inverted mouse and Pov-Ray crunching away on her precious 8500 with all her sensitive (not even remotely sensitive) files. I was hastily terminated, before her boss could find out that she was the one who left the machine unsecure.
Been doing this for 30 years, from VAX/VMS to HP-IL commands to CP/M, to DOS and Windows; FORTRAN through FORTH (anyone remember FORTH?) to VB. May I share a few of my pet peeves?
Users: If you don't know a whole lot about computers, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE STUPID. If I know nothing about your area of expertise, I do not call myself dumb. We all have different skills and interests.
Techs: If the user is clueless about the arcane procedures or terminology that we use, that does not make him/her and ID10T or a (l)user. The person's inexperienced--not stupid. (It's fun, though, to snicker about some of the mistakes afterward.) Some things they do are, however, truly stupid-- I had a user wax his monitor after doing his desk, for instance.
Users: What makes you turn into a mindless robot when I've remoted in to your system or are standing behind your chair? If I were not there, you'd be able to figure out--all by yourself--that you're supposed to press the "Next" or "OK" button... why ask me if you should do so just because I'm present?
Programmers: How about making error messages easier to understand? Use PLAIN ENGLISH-- "This happened. This might be a good fix." Then, give the techie stuff.
Users: "Is the server down?" is not particularly helpful to me when the real problem is that your computer won't start. Give me two items of information-- 1) what you're trying to accomplish, and 2) what happens: what error message (if any) you see. Unless you are knowledgeable and are helping in the troubleshooting, you do not need to sound technical. I need COMPLETE information to help you, including-- yes,-- that error messages that you did not bother to write down.
Users: When I ask for your email username and password, do not give me another account's information. Each person may have 10-20 accounts in our company, so I understand the confusion... but please do help me, here. When I set up your account and assigned you a password, do not tell me 6 months later, "I don't remember my password. You know what it is-- you gave it to me".
Users: When I'm troubleshooting with you over the phone, and we go to the command prompt, would you please not read me the Windows info and your entire prompt in a monotone? I know what it says by now.
Users: The purpose of a password is SECURITY, people! When the system makes you change it, do not ask me to put it back to what it was before. Your last name or initials (!!!) are not good passwords.
Users: If you don't like something, or equipment does not work properly, TELL ME-- don't just live with it. I'm not an ogre, and-- ya know-- some of the best suggestions come from the people who actually use the stuff.
There, that's off my chest. Lunch is over, and coincidentally, the gentleman who'd waxed his monitor is having password problems. Onward and upward!
I do desktop support for a Fortune "60" company and one of our end users is a "Superuser" for a famous 3 letter brand of enterprise software.
After going to see why her new PC wouldn't boot up (she was trying to power it on with the monitor power button!) she asked if she could ask a stupid question....
"Last night when I took my laptop home," she said, "I didn't disconnect the wires, and this morning when I plugged it back in the dock everything worked OK. Can I do it that way every time?"
"Uh, yeah -- that's the way you're supposed to do it."
"Oh good," she said. "That way is a *lot* easier."
She had been disconnecting her connections to her dock every night, reconnecting them the next day, and *then* docking her PC! For weeks! Sheesh.
How do you get these jobs?
Okay, I'm not connected with tech support in any way, nor have I ever had to call them. My dad is the computer expert and as far as I know no problem has ever passed him.
My siblings and I quickly learned from Dad everything we needed to know about the computer/s, like, for example, to not just press the button on the big box to turn it off. Good things come from having had a computer in the house for as long as you can remember. ;)
My youngest brother is definately not the smartest of the four of us, but he knows what he needs to know: How to generally use any of his favourite games and the internet, and how to open and talk to people on MSN Messager. He's smart enough to ask for help when he needs it, but has that annoying habit of saying he didn't do anything when he knows he's done something wrong.
One morning, he bugs me the moment I'm awake to say that he wants me to check my email: "I've sent you this really funny picture! Go and see it!"
"Not now," I say. "I'm a bit busy."
He leaves me alone and runs off to play his game. Twenty or so minutes later, I'm reading something on my laptop and laugh at it, and a certain ten-year-old appears at my bedroom door.
Bro: ARE YOU LAUGHING AT MY EMAIL?
Me: No, I haven't got to it yet.
Bro: Oh... Maybe you should check it on the big computer, because I used it to send the e-mail...
Me: No (bro's name), the email's out in the internet. It'll get to me no matter which computer I'm using.
Bro: Okay... I'm on MSN Messager if you want to talk to me!
Me: No, it won't wo-
Bro: I used it to send you that email with the funny picture...
Me: You WHAT? Are you sure you e-mailed me?
Bro: YES! It's really funny, go and see it!
Me: But you said you used MSN Messager-
Bro: No, I didn't! Go and see it! *runs off*
Me: *sigh*
I gave up questioning him at that point. I know neither what exactly he did, or what his 'funny picture' was, because I still haven't recieved that email.
This is a 2nd hand story that I found pretty amusing.
Tech Support agent working for a MS was providing a customer with some assistance with his *brand new* computer. Apparently, this was Mr. Customer's first computer...
Agent: Alright sir, do you see that "ok" button in the middle of the screen?
Mr Customer: Barely.
Agent: ...Okay, let's go ahead and move your mouse over to it, and click on that "ok" button.
(After a few seconds)
Mr Customer: Well I can't do that, the mouse is in the way.
(It took the agent a few minutes to realize that the customer had his mouse on the monitor's screen, instead of on his desk.)
Agent: (trying not to laugh) Here's a crazy idea, that we've been thinking about trying. Do you have a book or something that you can set the mouse on?
Mr. customer: Yeah.
Agent: Let's set the mouse down on that and see if its easier to move the mouse to that ok button.
Mr. Customer: You're a bloody genius!
Agent: (Slaps forehead)
I am a Systems Administrator with a state health department based a a large regional hospital. One of my jobs is restoring data for users who mysteriouly misplace important files. This is a request I got recently:
" I need one of my files restored asap. I think it was a word document but I can't remember the exact name or exactly where it was saved. I think it was there 2 months ago but I am not sure."
This on a server with over half a tera-byte of data.
I am afraid she did not get her file back.
i used to work for a chain of pizza restaurants. lots of times i was dealing with shift managers when the registers went down. this wasn't one of those times, though.
i had noticed on our WAN down page that this particular store was off its main connection and the backup didn't kick in. i called the store and asked for the manager on duty.
he comes on the phone and i let him know that he's not connected to the main office and we need to do some troubleshooting on his backup modem.
i ask him to go into the manger's office so we can look for the modem to see what's going on. he changes phones and says he's ready.
so i say "ok. we're looking for the backup modem. do you know where it is?"
manager: yeah, i'm here in front of it...what do you want me to do?
me: ok. do you see any lights on it?
manager: yeah. the power light is on.
me: is that the only light that's on?
manager: no, the number light is on, too?
me: ???? the number light?
manger: yeah...the one next to the caps lock light.
me: oh...i'm sorry. this isn't what i'm looking for. the backup modem will probably be black, it'll say u.s. robotics on it and it should have a couple of red lights lit up.
manger: oh..sorry...ok i'm looking for it now...
i hear him moving things around and shuffling through papers
manager: is it a piece of paper?
me: hold a minute, please (i hit the mute button until i'm finished laughing)
me: no sir, its not a piece of paper. it will probably be on a shelf somewhere back there with some other equipment. possibly mounted on the wall.
I had been browsing some of the older TechTales and came across one about a customer by the name of Jesus Christ. The format of the call sounded familiar, so I tried a search on the name, and sure enough, he was a customer of ours. Looking through his notes, I found one that made me smile.
"TSET called in to cancel out customer's account. Customer was not on the line. Informed agent I would call Mr. Christ back. Called available number but line was busy. Will call heaven later."
Hi there.
I am actually a student (Adv.Dip Computer Systems Engineering) so I'm sure I'll have plenty of these stories in a few years but for now I'd like to tell you one my friend (who works in a computer shop) told me. He had a customer on the phone one day and there was something going wrong with his computer. My friend asks, "have you tried rebooting it?" The guy says, "hang on a sec...(after about 5 seconds), nah, that didn't work mate." So my friend tells him to bring it in. The next day the guy rocks up with a computer with a big scuff mark down the side where he tried to "reboot" it!
Tim
My company has been pushing out an upgrade to our proprietary software for our servers. Now, while I'm not directly connected with the upgrade, users hear Install on the phone menu and assume that's what they want. I generally help them, since it's a matter of navigate to this folder in Windows 2000 , run this file, and all done.
Now, this user. I tell him where to go, which file to run, no problem. Server reboots, and apparently he's never seen a reboot before. At one point of the boot cycle he suddenly tells me that the screen has presented a list of options, including rebuild, reconstruct, ect. Now, I panick. If this server's RAID array is in trouble, they can kiss their system drives, content, everything goodbye. Put him on hold, and go reboot our testing server of the same model, hoping that he did something during boot, even though I told him not to. During the boot process, it says "press ctrl+m to enter RAID utility." I press ctrl+m, and oh, look, it's the options he's seeing. So, tell user to hit esc, yes to exit, and ctrl+alt+del. Then, tell him to just let it boot, WITHOUT touching anything. Low and behold, windows appears and the server is good to go. Parting question from user...
"So, it was just a random thing that happened there, right?"
Yeah, sure, right.....
A few weeks ago a member of my family came to me in a state of worry saying that someone had hacked her email account and was sending a message from her laptop.
I asked her if she could still log in to the account; it turned out that she could, so I told her to change her password, and explained to her about secure passwords.
A few minutes later she was back saying that when she tried to change her password, the hacker had tried to change it. So I put down what I was doing (!) and went to have a look, and lo-and-behold she had a new message open and a phantom hacker was indeed typing away random strings of words into the message.
A few moments of reflection, and something went click. I switched off her stereo that was playing on her desk, and the phantom hacker slacked off. Maybe he got writer s block.
When I disabled the Msoft speech-to-text engine he disappeared altogether.
She changed her password anyway just in case.
This was one of those interesting calls I received while working for a major computer company. It was one of those calls that start out with. "I can't get on my websites! What did you do!"
Since, of course, all techs spend their spare time going in people's computers and making their websites stop working.. we are the evil ones.
To Paraphrase:
Me:"Ok, so you are unable to access some websites, what are some examples of the websites you are unable to access?"
Caller(Mr. Attitude:"I don't have to disclose that information"
M: "Ok sir, are these secure websites?"
C: "They had better be! Why'd you block me?"
M: "Sir, we don't have control over blocked websites. Is this a site you have to log into with a user name and password?"
C:"Yes yes, now let in my website. Push your little buttons or whatever you do and fix it! I know you watch the websites I go to and it's not for you to block!"
M:"Ok sir, what does it show on your Internet Explorer when you try to access the page?"
C:"Can't you see what I see? You can block it, so I know you can see what I see"
M:"Sir, I can't see anything on your computer"
C:*loud sigh*"Look, I told you, it says you blocked me from my website"
M:(this is where I really started to wonder)"Does it give you any specifics on the block?"
C:"It says blocked by parental controls, we don't have children, it's just me and my wife, so you had to have done this!"
M: "Sir, are these sites that may have restricted content?"
C:"I don't have to tell you anything, it's my business which websites I visit and no one else's. I paid $6,000 something dollars for this computer(note, the computer, topped out, might retail at around $1200 with everything) You had better release your (bleeping) block on my (bleep bleep) comeputer!"
--At this point the caller was yelling pretty loudly with one of those lovely attitudes that so many customer like to have when they feel that you are cheating them out of thier inflated money.
I then heard a *click* on the line.
Appearntly this was the customer's wife, she stated to her moody husband..."I know what you've been looking at on this new computer of yours.. your precious little sites are discusting. I set up controls so you can't look at such perverse things ever again, now get off the phone (man's name here).
The customer mumbled something about technology in general and hung up the phone.
Looks like parental controls work for both kids.. and husbands that like to look around the internet a little bit too much.
I work as an analyst where I only have to deal with internal clients (people that also work for the company), we have over 35,000 employees so I can get any call at any time.
Last week, I had a user call me while trying to work from home and he could not establish a connection to our intranet. After checking his rights to make sure that he had the neccessary permissions, I started to walk him through the steps to get connected. I got to the point where he has to enter the code on his VPN token when he informed me that he left it sitting on his desk back at the office.
It gets better, after telling him that without the token, I can't help him he got irate and demanded that I give him a temporary passcode. I explained to him that I don't even have rights to access a temp passcode but can escalate the ticket to someone that can, but they probably won't get back to him until tomorrow (it was the end of the day)he got even more mad and stated that by tomorrow I will be back in the office and needs it now. My advice to him was to put the token on his keychain. I closed the ticket as a FCR
Having been in computers for a while (I'm in my 5th decade), I sometimes get conditioned responses. While I've never supported XP (or hope to), I assume the "conditioned response" usually given is either "reboot", or "reload XP". Now for my conditioned response. I was recently (3 years ago) married and have a very loving wife. But when she asks me things I seem to respond "Yes, Dear". The problem is that it usually works. Now the sad part: I go to another relatives house (sister, etc.) and when I get nagged, I almost say "Yes, Dear" as well. Sometimes it just comes out. At least when it comes to computers, my wife defers to my understanding, but she still yells at the screen.
What all of need is a "secret word(s)" that will:
1) Indicate that we actually know what we are talking about.
2) Bypass all the 0th and 1st level tech support people.
3) Indicate to us that the person on the other end (if we are providing support to them) has brains.
From Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In:
Spy1: I've got the Yo-Yo.
Spy2: I've got the string.
The spys have a jolly good time.
You know, you can actually do edits with a keypunch!
Tales From Technical Support Index
